Chapter 16 16. The Story of Kui Lin (Part 2)

16. The Story of Kui Lin (Part 2) 150 When WR gained power step by step, he didn't know that the next door to this world was not limited to the kind of existence he had experienced.The next door to this world does not require spatial isolation.There is no need for spatial isolation, and there are still people who are left out of this world.Such a "wall" does not occupy space, for example, as long as language is enough, for example, as long as discriminatory eyes are enough to isolate you in another world. WR is looking forward to a higher power to cancel the next door in the world. At this time, he must have had no time to think that there is a kind of "wall" that cannot be touched, and of course it cannot be knocked on. The middle is not filled with sand or an era of decades. It is a kind that has survived thousands of years without seeing decay: ideas, or even habits. WR may not know that such a "wall" cannot be broken by power, although it is likely to be the work of power.On the other side separated by such a "wall", power is beyond reach.

For example, the woman in the sunflower forest was there once, if she is still alive, she can only be there. 151 Z's uncle took the train for a day and a night, and at dawn he saw the long-lost sunflowers again.As the train runs through the ever-expanding sunflower forest, the rumbling sound becomes weaker and weaker, as if being absorbed by the sea-like sunflower forest, and the smoke flutters in the blue sky, as small as a wisp of white breath. The train stopped at the edge of the small county town, and Z's uncle didn't recognize it at all. If it wasn't for the sunflowers blooming all over the field, Z's uncle thought: Could it be that one name is used to find his hometown?The station is a very modern building. Tall buildings are rising in the city and outside the city. The long arm of the tower crane rotates in the air with the sound of the whistle. The streets are full of vendors shouting hoarsely. It fell on the curly hair that girls spend a lot of money and time on, and it fell on the colorful skirts and awnings, and it fell on the ravioli soup and French bread on the side of the road. Walk through the stomach.In fact, the old house no longer exists.I think that Z's uncle is not very interested in the city, he just ate something in a small restaurant on the edge of the city, rested his feet, looked at the strange town from a distance, and then got up to look for sunflowers Xiangfeng walked away.

Everything is changing, but the fragrance of sunflower remains the same. The sunflower forest is still the same, and the insects are still singing.I think that when Z's uncle walks in the Kuilin, he should still have an idea: the "traitor" is still the same. The meaning of the word "traitor" has probably never changed since ancient times. It is a shame that cannot be washed away, and it is a punishment that will never end.Everything in the world can change, the world can be turned upside down, the dynasty can be changed, everything can be overturned, rehabilitated, and rehabilitated, except for traitors, and people's views on traitors show no sign of wavering.

What happened to her, that woman in the grove? Z's uncle, he didn't come all the way to see his hometown, he came to find that woman - the warm body that trembled in his arms, the soul that obsessively told all his dreams in front of him .In the past, it was as continuous as this sunflower forest, and the sunflower leaves from generation to generation grew up layer by layer, guarding the past so that it could not disappear.It seems that she is still in his arms, still under the shade of the sunflower forest, in the sun or in the moonlight, she is still young, soft, strong, and dancing, her sharp teeth are biting his arm gently, tears Flowing, crying and laughing, with two distant and small moons in her eyes... that's her.That was her, but with a gap of decades.Has she been in this world for decades?I heard people from my hometown talk about her, and she is still alive.But how did she survive?Even, why, is she still alive?What did she rely on to not... die? Z's uncle can hardly imagine.He could imagine how those decades were arranged for her, but he couldn't imagine how her heart or her life could survive those times.In the years when he himself was knocked down (also known as the "traitor"), he never died, did not jump from a very high chimney because there were still people who knew he was wronged, because His wife and daughter said "We believe you are innocent" to him very promptly.The chimney is more than ten stories high, and it stands not far from the window of his house. If you climb up in the dark, no one will notice. If you jump down, you will die. If you jump down, there is no way to save you. Just climb up and close it. You can bid farewell to this world when you close your eyes, and this nightmare world can dissipate as soon as you close your eyes.Only because of the words of his wife and daughter, and because of the timelyness of those words, he was able to return to his hometown now. "We love you as much as ever, we know you are not a 'traitor', and we believe you are innocent." These words moved him to tears, and were the most precious words he had ever heard in his life.Just because of this, because of that sentence, and because of the time, now there is an old man and his shadow walking alone in the sunflower forest.But what about her?

No no this can't be mixed up, and yes, it can't even be mixed up on writing night.So good—but what about her?What about her soul like yours?What about the heart that longs for equality, respect, freedom, peace, and happiness like everyone else? How does she live? I heard people talk about a traitor, he lived, he was not killed by the enemy or eradicated by his own people, he was lucky to survive, but in the time since then, history just ran around him.The crowd just passed by before his eyes, and he stayed in the position of "traitor" like staying on an isolated island, with no one in his heart, and there was only one thing left for him in life: repentance.This person, in my imagination, entered the Kuilin in the north and entered the image of a woman.This person can be a woman, but not limited to a woman, she can be in the Kuilin in the north, or anywhere outside of this Kuilin, and my writing night is separated by decades, or even thousands of years , traitor—throughout the ages, this is the immortal name and immortal island of so many people.After decades or even thousands of years, an old man finally thought of going to see her.I entrust my hopes to this old man, and on writing nights I refer to this old man as "Z's uncle," although he is not limited to Z's uncle.

152 There was news from her hometown in the north: her husband, the jailer, was dead.Die was very simple. In the age of famine, I fell from the tree when I was climbing the tree to hunt jujubes. I was delayed and couldn't be saved. I was less than forty years old when I died. There was news from her hometown in the north: her son and daughter had grown up and left her for various reasons, but one reason was included in all the reasons—she was a traitor.She agrees that her children should leave her, and hopes that they will not be burdened by her anymore, and that they can have a satisfactory family—husband, wife, and children.She hoped that only herself would be punished.Alone, she guards the loess hut in the sunflower forest, the quiet courtyard of Chaimen, year after year, only the change of seasons in the sunflower forest marks the passage of time, she hopes to redeem her in this lonely punishment sins.

There was news from my hometown in the north: she was a smiling face of apology to everyone, and she was the same in front of urchins. "Hey, traitor!" She stopped no matter who called her. "Hey, are you a traitor?" "Are you a coward? Are you a selfish? A villain?" "Say, are you guilty?" Whoever asked, whenever anyone asked, she They all stood down, said "yes", said "I am", and then walked away silently amidst people's laughter.She can't die, she knows she shouldn't die, and living to bear the endless discrimination and loneliness is the sincerity of her redemption.

There was news from my hometown in the north: During the Cultural Revolution, and in all the movements for decades, no matter what she criticized or fought against, she stood on the stage, stood aside, and hung a "traitor" sign on her chest, Standing with her head bowed from beginning to end, she did not need to say a word from beginning to end, but she was required to stand there to show guilt and shame from beginning to end. There was news from my hometown in the north: she just worked all day long and rarely spoke.She does all the farm work well, impeccably as a man.She raises chickens, raises pigs, spins thread, weaves cloth... She supports herself, and she does all the housework well, better than all women.She has never been sick, it is her nature.

There was news from my hometown in the north, saying: Once during the Chinese New Year, she had a whim and wanted to write a pair of Spring Festival couplets on the door of her own house, but when she picked up the pen, she found that she hadn’t written for decades and almost forgot all the words. up.She clutched her pen, couldn't write, and burst into tears. For the first time in decades, people heard her cry, heard her cry in the hut, and heard her cry for a long time.After that she began to write, on paper, paper is very expensive and on the ground, on the ground is not as good as on the leaves of sunflowers.Some people have seen her writing on the sunflower leaves, and some people took off the sunflower leaves with the words and put them together to spell out a sentence - "I have sinned deeply, but I have never doubted my original belief."

There was news from my hometown in the north: from that year, from the days when the fragrance of sunflowers was flying, sunflower leaves with words could often be found in the dense sunflower forest.That woman, she's crazy, maybe she's crazy?The number of sunflower leaves with writing grows day by day, and when the sunflower seeds are harvested, among the sunflower leaves you can pick, one out of ten will have the words written by that crazy woman.The old people scare the children with this, and the children dare not go to the depths of the Kui Lin alone.The lovers who had a tryst pulled off the sunflower leaves with words and tore them into pieces, thinking they were unlucky.That woman, she is old and old, is she going crazy again?The characters on the sunflower leaves do not exceed those fifteen characters.People spelled fifteen characters back and forth, and it seemed that they couldn't connect any other more fluent sentences.

153 This is very much like a joke, but this is a reality: Z's aunt, or not limited to Z's aunt, has gone abroad to run a private restaurant, but the woman in the sunflower forest will always be a traitor who can't hold her head up.This is very much like a joke, but it is a reality: some people give up their original beliefs and go to another life, and they are reluctant to return. There is a former traitor who silently sticks to his original beliefs in the sunflower forest, year after year. Months, months, and even days and nights, they are atoning for their cowardice back then. Isn't that so? Z's uncle said nothing, and walked step by step along the path between the sunflower forests. Then, maybe Z's uncle or someone else, replied: No, no, that's not the problem.The problem is that she is greedy for life and afraid of death, and the problem is that her rebellion affects others. other people?who?Her mother and her sister? No.her comrades. So that's the case.But the enemy only gave her two choices, either to harm her mother and sister, or to harm her comrades, how should she choose? Z's uncle didn't answer.Or someone else, no answer. But the answer has been there, and the answer has existed for decades or even thousands of years: if it hurts comrades, she is a traitor and should be punished, and if it hurts those two innocent people—just like you did—she Maybe you can become a hero and enjoy the glory. Like me back then? Z's uncle looked at the familiar Kui Lin in surprise.The endless chirping of insects makes it even more silent, but every sunflower is struggling to bloom in silence, and every bee is dancing in the fragrance of the sunflower. Yes, like you did back then.You led her into that faith, and you ran away, leaving her alone to face the two choices the enemy gave her. Z's uncle walked slowly in the sunflower forest, his shadow changing shape on the rough ground. why are you runningWhat are you afraid of?Afraid of being caught by the enemy, right? yes, but... Don't say anything but.You only answer, what is so terrible about being captured by the enemy? But…… Nothing but.Of course you know what the scary things are. Still, I daresay I'm not afraid of death. No one dares to say that now, but how did you narrowly escape back then?Moreover, you just picked the simplest situation now, which is simpler than she once imagined.And you also understand now that it is not a situation that can be resisted by a dead word.If the enemy only sent you to die, you could be a hero whether you were strong or weak.And now you often think: If she was shot and killed by the pursuing enemy on that night in Kuilin decades ago, you would not abandon her but commemorate her. Z's uncle was walking in the sunflower forest, his shadow twisted and drifted on the sunflower leaves. Not only you know how dire the situation is, but all traitor-haters know how dire it is.That's why the most shameful word "traitor" was created, and the eternal punishment of "traitor" was created. Can't you understand?So why do people who hate traitors hate traitors? Yes, not primarily because of a traitor's betrayal of any belief.Freedom of belief.That is to say, everyone is free to believe and give up any belief freely.Mainly it hurts.It's what you said - disaster!That is to say, being a traitor would bring the person who hated the traitor into the same dire situation that the traitor faced. Pain, death, humiliation, hurting innocent relatives, torn flesh and soul... People are well aware of the terrible situation, so they create an even more terrible punishment - "traitor", to warn that they have fallen into One in that dreadful situation, warn him not to bring us into that dreadful situation. This is how the word "traitor" was coined, as a warning, as a punishment, as revenge in case of disaster, as a threat to prevent disaster, as a way for "heroes" to avoid pain A way to survive and shirk responsibility was created. Isn't that so?So, why did you run away?Why should none of us be willing to step in her place and rescue her from that dreadful situation? You know, the situation is terrible, yes, we all know it, so, I hope that the person captured by the enemy will not tell you or me, don't tell us, and don't hurt us.Let him (her) bear the terrible situation alone. We are so afraid of being harmed, because we still have a secret in our hearts, that is: we may not be able to withstand the torture of the enemy, and we may also become traitors and suffer eternal punishment.It was the most horrific backdrop to that dreadful situation. Otherwise, we don't have to be so afraid of being hurt, and we don't have to hate being hurt so much.Otherwise, it would not be a disaster.Let the weak go and let the strong stand, it's a glorious opportunity if we believe that we will surely survive any torture, and that there will be no harm. Yes, yes, if the enemy's torment is not so terrible, we just want to be heroes, so what harm is there?If we can't become a hero, the consequences will be more terrible, and the enemy's torment will not be so terrible. When we really can't stand it, we just surrender.However, it can be said that "the former is afraid of wolves and the latter is afraid of tigers", "traitor" - after the punishment of eternal life is created, the situation is even more terrifying, that is, complete despair.As long as a person is caught by the enemy, he is finished, he is dead, or, as a human being, his life and soul are already over.How ridiculous that the threats we make to prevent being harmed are also threatening ourselves, and we create an even more dire human condition.At this time, people's only hope can only be: not to be caught by the enemy, and not to be harmed by traitors. So that time, you left her alone and escaped from Kuilin alone.You know, if caught by the enemy, one is dead and the other is still dead, or endless torment on one side and eternal punishment on the other.So you ran away by yourself with the help of that girl's innocence and passion, and with the help of her love for you. Don't be so mean, don't be so mean.I didn't think that way, and I didn't have time to think that way at the time.I ran, ran out of Kuilin, it was purely out of... out of instinct. Out of a desire to survive?Out of escape from torture, and from eternal punishment—human instinct? Maybe, oh, so be it. What about her? Her desire to survive should be ignored, right?And her mother and sister, should they die for you and suffer the torture for you?What would she do if she couldn't bear to watch innocent relatives being killed and tortured?In short, if she wants to live like you, she must die; if she wants to be tortured like you, she must suffer eternal life and eternal punishment.Is that right? Z's uncle, or not limited to Z's uncle, sat down in the Kui Lin. Very tired, he sat on the ridge.Really tired, he threw himself on the ground.The roots of sunflowers brushed his cheeks lightly, and the dried sunflower stalks still exuded fragrance. He wanted to sleep in that scent for a while, or just sleep like this forever, don't wake up, don't wake up, as long as he doesn't wake up, the world will dissipate, just like jumping off that tall chimney, but it's more expensive than that Much more comfortable... That chimney is so tall, it's just outside his window, not far away, and white or black smoke can be seen from it every day... He has walked down the big chimney several times and wandered there ... One day, he met two children there. The boy asked, "Grandpa, do you believe me if I dare to climb up?" The boy asked: "Grandpa, do you dare to climb up?" The girl suddenly recognized him and shouted: "No, he is not Grandpa, he is a traitor (capitalist roader, gangster, spy...)!" The boy The son asked: "Traitor? What is a traitor?" The girl told him, "A traitor is a villain! You don't even know that?" The boy raised his head and asked him, "Really?" He patted the heads of the two children: "Yes, a traitor is a bad guy, but I'm not a traitor." "Then why did my mother say you are?" "Your mother doesn't know, your mother doesn't understand." "Then I'll tell my mother, you are not." "Thank you, but she won't believe it." "Then you go and tell her yourself? Come on, I'll take you." "No, that's useless." "Why?" "Oh, how old are you , and you?" The boy was seven years old.Girl, "five and a half years old!" she said, stretching out five fingers, and then looked at all the fingers one by one, but couldn't think of how to express half a year old. "Don't go up there," he said, looking at the chimney, "you are still young, don't climb up there, promise me?"... That day, he and the two children played under the big chimney For a while, the two children had forgotten about the traitor... Where are the two children now?They must have grown up, they may have forgotten what happened that day, as if it never happened, but they will never forget the word "traitor", whether it is remembered from that day or not, they will remember this word for life ... He was lying in the sunflower forest, with his ears on the ground, he could hear small insects crawling on the dry sunflower leaves, and with his eyes slightly closed, he could hear the songs and laughter of various insects within a few miles, and he could even hear far away. The local train is rumbling in and rumbling away, all kinds of sounds, how peaceful, how serene, how contented... All kinds of sounds are gradually getting smaller, gradually becoming ethereal and spreading away, thin but A long voice, about to disappear, maybe the world... that's how it disappears... maybe the world disappears... that's how it is... it's like going to sleep... deep sleep and no dreams, everything sinks and disappears, or everything floats and disappears ...But his gradually hazy eyes were startled suddenly, and he saw a sunflower leaf with writing on it. Z's uncle sat up.Or, not limited to Z's uncle. That word is: sin. One of fifteen words.That's right. That word, one stroke at a time, neat and childish, was blown by the wind and rain, and split into three pieces along with the veins. He looked at the word.long time. That leaf gradually turned red, painted with the color of the setting sun. "No, this is not right!" He stood up and shouted to the heavy Kui Lin in the dusk. "That's for the cause, yes, it's for the whole cause not to suffer losses!" The blood-red sunflower forest undulates and sways with the wind.Dusk crows came in groups, black flocks flew over the sunflower forest. What business?Punishment for the cause? No, that's an inevitable sacrifice in any career. So, why you can avoid it, but she is inevitable? Such an algorithm is wrong, I am not alone, it may be hundreds of our comrades who are affected. Why not, for example, with you alone, just stop?Just like you want to stop with her alone.Or why not stop at any one of the thousands of our comrades?Why didn't one of the thousands of heroes stand in her position, replace this coward, let disaster happen, and stop at a hero? If someone is willing to stand in her position, there will be no harm.If no one is willing to do this, the shame of a traitor is just a substitute for many traitors, and it is just a strategy for many "heroes" to protect themselves. No no no!She has already been captured, so we should stop at her place, and we can't lose one more person. Oh no, it's just because you were faster than her, or she just "matured" later than you.Really, really stop talking.Maybe we will weigh our comrades soon to see who can lose a few catties less.It's like a gamble to see who gets that bad hand. But, but what should we do otherwise?One hurts the other, will there be an end if this goes on? Continue like this?You mean you're afraid that no one can stop it, right?So everyone wants to stop with her? After all, we have to stop with one person, why can't this person be her? Oh yes, I forgot that.And now, our consciences can be a little easier. If we stop with her, we can relax more. If she is killed by the enemy, we will remember her, we will cry for a hero, at this time, our conscience is still easy.We will regret, we will say: "It is a pity that she died so young, how we wish she is still alive, hope that she can see victory and enjoy life when she is alive, she is still so young, especially her heart is so beautiful. She has such a noble spirit, she doesn't deserve to die, she has the right to enjoy all the happiness and good life." We will say that, we will definitely say that.But, have you noticed a strange circle?Note: if she is noble she must die, if she lives she is no noble, if she dies she cannot enjoy happiness, if she is not dead she can only be punished—since she was captured by the enemy, Such a fate was already doomed to her. But this is the crime of the enemy! Yes, it is crimes like this that we want to eradicate, otherwise what would we do?But the enemy is also punishing!Generation after generation, the human world has never given up punishment. Punishment begets punishment, punishment breeds punishment, and after punishment there is still punishment. But where is the value of human beings?A person, a young life, a heart full of longing, a pair of innocent eyes, a desire for justice, has long since died between punishment and punishment... wrong!The method is the same, but the purpose can be completely different. May I?Can the method of hate achieve the purpose of love? Besides, where is the purpose?If it's not in a method, where else could it be?Is it at the end?What we call the beginning is often the end / And the end is the beginning / The end point is the place where we started. Uncle Z, or not limited to him, sitting in the sunflower forest, sitting under the moonlight: Then what do you say? manage?What should she do, what should I do?And you, what on earth should we do? Kui Lin was silent again. Tell me, why don't you speak this time? There is a huge question buried in the silence, and a difficult answer must also be buried. I have no idea. All I know is that we should be looking for that answer. All I know—I whispered in Z's uncle's ear—you love her, you have loved her all these years, and you haven't forgotten her for a single day.All I know—I whispered to Z's uncle—is that you love her, so you still love her. Z's uncle found fifteen sunflower leaves with different characters written on them.With the help of moonlight, he spread out fifteen leaves and spelled out a sentence: I have sinned deeply, but I have never doubted my original belief. Then the moonlight gradually dimmed, and the sunflower forest began to sway like the waves of the sea, and the wind blew up the fragrance of sunflowers all over the sky. He was still sitting in the sunflower forest, not moving, as if his body and mind were completely silent. Until the wind blows away the fifteen leaves and blows them back into the depths of the sunflower forest. Until, the first drop of rain knocked on an unknown sunflower leaf. The torrential rain until August shook the whole sunflower forest, and every sunflower leaf seemed to be shouting. 154 After decades of separation, on a rainy night, it is said that the woman in the sunflower forest waited for her young lover. The poet L traveled around and walked into the Kuilin in the north, and heard this legend, which passed into my writing night. The sunflower forest in the torrential rain was like a mountain shaking and a tsunami, roaring endlessly.But as soon as Z's uncle approached the small farmyard where the chaimen was concealed, his young lover heard his footsteps.Amidst the deafening rainstorm and the roar of the Kuilin, the woman could hear who was coming. As soon as Z's uncle stood up in front of the chai gate, the lights in the room came on.For a long time afterwards, there was complete silence amidst the din of Kui Lin inside and outside the courtyard. Then, the door opened.The woman didn't greet her out the door.When the door opened, a lonely light came out, shining on the rain curtain under the eaves, which seemed to say: "Are you here after all?" The old beekeeper said to the poet: It is not surprising that she heard him coming. The old beekeeper said to the poet: For decades, she has been used to hearing all the sounds of Kuilin alone, whether it is noisy or peaceful, it is the same for her, and there is only silence in her ears and heart. The old beekeeper said: For decades, no one's footsteps have ever approached her yard in the middle of the night.Thousands of dusks, nights, and dawns, she listened for any unusual sounds, for anyone approaching her.She has been listening like this for decades without knowing it. She can distinguish the footsteps of a fox or a weasel, a dog or a badger, she can hear the jumping of a cricket or a grasshopper, and the flying of a dragonfly or a butterfly. The old beekeeper said: If there is an unusual sound, she can distinguish it even in a dream.If someone came to her small courtyard in the middle of the night, she would have expected that it could not be someone else, it must be the person who still cares about her, must have come back decades ago and stood by the sunflower forest to greet her The person who looked over, and then turned and left his hometown without saying a word. The poet traveled around and stayed in the sunflower forest in August.In the fragrant wind of endless sunflowers, the poet can often see the small courtyard shaded by grass and trees. There is smoke during the day and lights at night. You can often see the woman yelling at the animals to go out and yelling for the animals to go home. She is seen in the courtyard. Chop firewood, grind mills, feed pigs, and chickens.The man was seldom seen, and at the same time, the windows of the cottage had been hung with curtains since that rainy night. In the Kuilin area, people who knew Z's uncle died, and those who lived were also old-eyed and dizzy. Therefore, wherever the fragrance of sunflowers touched, there were legends: that woman, after so many years, couldn't bear it anymore. A wild man got off. Although people can't hide the excitement of exploring the mystery and their strong interest in details when they tell each other, people seem to take a tolerant attitude towards this incident.It may be because this tolerance can benefit everyone together, freeing people from interrogation of many erotic dreams in night and day, and finding a way to escape with peace of mind from sighs of relief.This tolerance may also include a kind of taken for granted inference: they are all old and will not cause any more physical affairs.But some men and women who were still curious quietly went to the back window of the hut to listen in the middle of the night. When they came back, they laughed and said that they heard the sound of the two old people making love. Really? Listen to it yourself, an old wooden bed creaks like a wedding night. Others also took advantage of the moonlight to tiptoe to the hut to listen, hiding behind the sunflower leaves. Isn't it true that the whole loess hut was shaking, moaning and shouting like two young wolves. Did they... say anything to each other? The woman says she's old, the good old days are gone, the woman says I'm ugly. What about the man, what did he say? The man said no, saying that your face that has experienced vicissitudes of life makes me desire even more. On your tortured body, in every wrinkle, in every clump of hair that is about to turn white, is my desire. What about women? The woman said that she didn't expect her to be like this, she thought her desire had already died.She asked the man, don't you feel sorry for me?ah?You're not just here to comfort me, are you? The man said look for yourself, he wants the woman to see him, he said that I thought I had rested... woke up again... I thought that I would rest in peace forever, but he woke up again... So in those bright and dark nights, more people went around the hut to listen, even some old people listened. Yes, it is true.People who have heard it say that they have been having sex almost all night, just like the night wind stirring the sunflower waves, one wave after another. The woman gasped and said no, said no no I don't deserve your love... I'm a sinful man you should punish me, I'm a sinner, I wish you would punish me, it's you, it's you who punish me, I don't want anyone else ... I don't want others, I want you to come, you come and punish me severely, beat me, insult me ​​and despise me, I want you to despise me, I like it... because then, others won't come, They don't come anymore, they don't look at me coldly... Then I can know that it is you and no one else who punished me, only you and no one else... Then my sins will be done, and they will won't come... The man didn't move at first and didn't make any sound. After a long time, he did what the woman asked... That woman, she yelled and cried freely, as if whispering, let her relatives enter her unscrupulously, enjoying the rudeness of being dependent on each other , and enjoying the pouring... she kept mumbling... I'm a traitor, you know I'm a shameful traitor Wow, I'm a sinner, you know?Punish me hard but you want me, you don't abandon me... you still want me, don't you?I'm a ghost, I'm a weak person, I want you to punish me, but you still want me, you still want me, don't you?Tell me you punished me but you wanted me, you punished me because you wanted me... This August in Kuilin came into my writing night, and one thing suddenly became clear: the woman’s masochistic tendency was to write warm content into cold form, so that the cold would deteriorate accordingly , followed by melting.Masochistic intentions, like a model of war in peace, stand apart from the horror, watch its horror together, and celebrate its falsity together.When love imitates hate, enmity becomes a debunked prank, dissipates like a nightmare in the woman's wish, cruel reality dissipates like a nightmare, and the dream of peace congeals into the reality of that moment . That man, he threw himself into the woman's scarred body and heart, and said: I have always wanted you. For decades, I have always wanted you in my heart. What I worry about is whether you will want me again, you Can you still love someone again. In the Kuilin area, the old and dim-sighted people suddenly woke up, and there were rumors everywhere: that woman, yes, that traitor, her former lover came back to find her. The old beekeeper said to the poet: Look, it won't grow anymore. The poet L asked: Who are you talking about?Is that man? The old beekeeper said: He won't stay long, he's leaving again. Poet L asked: Why? The old beekeeper was silent for a long time, and said: What else can I do? The word "traitor" is not a poem, it is a curse that cannot be broken for thousands of years. It is deeper than this forest of music, heavier than all the sunflowers combined, and it is older than the sunflowers in this forest. The combined age of all people is even older... The poet L walked into the night of Kuilin, walked under the rear window of the loess hut, and stood in the August rainstorm. The poet heard the woman say to the man: "Do you still remember the south? Do you remember when we were young? Do you still remember a white bird flying in the sky?" The poet heard the man say to the woman: "The white bird flies very high and very slowly, flapping its wings once and for all, hardly moving in the huge blue sky." "That white bird," said the woman, "hovered in or over the rain, and flew as evenly and long as time, do you remember what I said to you then?" "You said let us go to the wind, to the rain, to the place where the sunflowers flourish, let the wind blow our bodies, let the rain drench our desires, let the sunflowers see us make love," said the man, "we How many years have we waited? Now let's go." "But I'm afraid, I'm afraid there will be others outside." “别怕，那儿只有风和雨，只有葵林，只有我和你。” 诗人于是看见，两个老人走出小屋，走出柴门，男人和女人走进风雨的环抱，走进浪涌般葵叶的簇拥，走进激动的葵花的注目……他们都已经老了，女人的乳房塌瘪了，男人的脊背弯驼了，皮肤皲裂了松弛了，骨节粗大了僵涩了，风雨吹打得他们甚至喘息不止步履维艰，但他们相互牵一牵手，依然走得痴迷，相互望一望，目光仍旧灼烫……八月的暴雨惊天动地，要两个正在凋谢的身体贴近、依偎，要两个已入暮年的心魂重田间疯狂，不要害怕，不要羞涩，不要犹豫，那是苦熬了一生而盼来的团聚……她们虔敬地观看对方的身体，看时光过的地方雨水流进每一条皱纹……男人和女人扑倒在裸露的葵根旁，亲吻、抚慰，浑身都沾上泥土忘死地交合……坦荡而平安，那是天赋的欲望，坦荡平安，葵林跟随着颤栗，八月暴雨的喧嚣也掩盖不住他们无字的呼唤与诉说……诗人远远地看着他们，并不觉得有什么不恭，毫无猥亵，诗人感动涕零满怀敬意 当然，这只是诗人的梦想。 只是诗人L的想象和希望。 过了八月，果然如养蜂老人所料，Z的叔叔或者不限于他，再度离开葵林。 L看见，整整一宿，那黄土小屋的灯没熄。 L听见，那女人说：“你走吧，离开我，离开我……因为……因为我爱你所以我不能连累你……我爱你，我不能把你也毁了……我爱你但是，我不应该爱你……你走呀，离开我离开我吧……你来过了这就够了，记住我爱你，这就够了……放心吧我不会去死，我爱你所以我不会去死……呵，我不应该爱你，我也，不应该去死……不应该不应该不应该……我从始至终就是这样……” L听见那男人低声地说：“可是，每一个人，都可能是你。每一个幸福平安的人，都可能是你……” L听见那女人回答：“可是，并不需要每一个人都是我……你走吧，离开我，离开这葵林，离开我就是你对我的宽恕……” L看见，翌日天不亮，那女人送那男人出了葵林。 诗人无比遗憾。梦想总败于现实，以及，梦想总是要败于现实么？ 诗人L收拾行囊，也要离开葵林。他拿出地图，再看那巴掌大的一块地方，仍梦想着在40000000倍巴掌大的那块地方，与他的恋人不期而遇。 155 与此同时在南方，母亲——Z的母亲或者WR的母亲，或者不限于他们的母亲，走进当年的那座老宅院。荒草满院，虫声唧唧，老屋的飞檐上一轮清白的月亮。 母亲拾阶而上，敲一敲门。 The door opened.开门的是一个老头，同母亲一样鬓发斑白。 "Can I help you?" “几十年前，我是这座房子的主人。”母亲说，“您认不出我了？” “噢噢……对不起，您老了。” “不用对不起。您也是，也老了。” 母亲进到老屋，绕一圈，看它的每一根梁柱。老屋也只是更老了，格局未变。 老头跟在后边，愣愣地望着母亲，像是惊诧于一个无比艰深的问题。 “您还记得我托过您的事吗？”母亲问。 “当然。记得。”老头混浊的眼珠缓缓转动，目光从母亲的白发移向一片虚空，很久才又开口：“这么说，真的是有几十年丢失了？” “是呀，几十年，”母亲坐下说，“几十年就好像根本没有老头一声不响，仿佛仍被那个艰深的问题纠缠着。 “这几十年，”母亲问，“可有人到这儿来找过他的妻子和儿子吗？” “没有。”老头说，“不，我不知道。不过这儿有您的一些信。” 老头拎过一只麻袋，那里面全是写给母亲的信。母亲认出信封上的字体，那正是她盼望了多年的。 “您为什么早不寄给我？” “我也是才回来。我回来，看见门下堆满了这些信，看见屋里的地上，到处洒满了这些给您的信。” “您，到哪儿去了？”母亲问。 “大山里，我只记得是在没有人的大山里，就像昨天。”老头闭上眼睛。很可能这时，几十年时光试图回来，但被恐惧阻挡着还是找不到归路。 母亲一封封地看那些信，寄出的年月不一，最早的和最近的相隔了几十年。她看那封最近的，其中的一段话是： ……一个非常偶然的缘故，使我曾经没有上那条船。 那条船早已沉没了，而我活着，一直活到了给你们写这最 后一封信的时候。我活着，唯一的心愿就是还能见到你 them.可我不知道你们是否活着。如果你们活着，也许你 们终于能够看到这封信，但那时我肯定已不在人间。This 样，那个偶然的缘故就等于零了——我曾经还是上了那 条船…… 母亲收好所有的信，见那老头呆坐在的书桌前。母亲走近他。 “您在写什么？” “我要写下昨天。” 书桌上堆满了稿纸。母亲环顾四周：到处都是一摞摞的稿纸，像是山峦叠障，几千几万页稿纸上密密麻麻写满了字。母亲走近去细看：却没有一个字是中文，也没有一个字像是这个星球上有过的字。 母亲谢过那老头，抱着那些信出来。黎明的青光中，她听见树上或是荒藤遮掩的地方，仍有儿子小时候害怕的那种小东西在叫，“呜哇——呜哇——”一声声叫得天不能亮似的。母亲在那叫声中坐下，芭蕉叶子上的露水滴落下来打湿了她的衣裳，她再把刚才那封信看一遍，心里对她思念的人说：不，你说错了，当我看到了这封信时，那个偶然的缘故才发生，才使你没有上那条船，才使你仍然活着，而在此之前你已葬身海底几十年。母亲把那封信叠起来，按照原来的叠法叠好，揣进怀里，可能就是在这时候她想：我得离婚了。 这个母亲，当然，可能是Z的母亲，也可能是WR的母亲，但并不限于他们的母亲，她可以是那段历史中的很多母亲。