Chapter 13 Thirteen. The Story of Kui Lin (Part 1)

Thirteen. The Story of Kui Lin (Part 1) 121 When C's boundless dream becomes a concrete nightmare.At that time, and in that mood, I heard the story of Kuilinli through the poet's message. The poet L became the news, spread in this place called the earth.One year, he walked into the sunflower forest in the north during the season when the sunflowers were in full bloom. In the north, there are many loess huts scattered in the sunflower forests all over the mountains, walls made of brambles and loess, roofs covered with brambles and loess.That's where the beekeepers live.The loess path snakes through the sunflower forest, turning eastward and westward, connecting each other with bee flying saucers. After walking for a while, you can see a hut like that, either a beekeeper lives there, or the beekeeper has left. In the empty earthen hut there was only a straw mat and a water tank left.The beekeepers drove their beehives by cart, and followed the fragrance of sunflowers to migrate in that season. Wherever the sunflowers bloomed vigorously, brightly and beautifully, they would go there and live in small earthen houses there. some days.Dozens or perhaps hundreds of beehives are arranged around the hut, and tens of thousands of bees sing in unison, which is deafening, so that the beekeeper's ears are still beeping up and down until winter, and he can smell the fragrance of sunflowers in his dream like an addict wind.

The poet L wanders around this place called the earth, and every time he fantasizes that his lover suddenly appears in front of him.One day he walked into the boundless sunflower forest in the north, from sunrise to sunset, lost in the intoxicating fragrance of sunflowers.When it was dark, he walked to the small earthen hut of an old beekeeper and stayed there overnight. The old beekeeper asked, "Where are you going?" Poet L said: "Not necessarily, anywhere." The old man smiled and said, "I don't believe it." The old man brought dry food and fresh sunflower honey to satisfy the poet's hunger, so he didn't ask any more questions.

L ate greedily and said, "I don't want to go anywhere, I want to go anywhere." The old man smiled and shook his head, closed his eyes and listened to his swarm of bees returning to their nest one after another outside the door. L said: "Really, if I can't go all over the earth, it can't be because of anything else, it's just because I'm too late." The old man said, "I don't care about the earth or not. I'm asking you, what are you looking for?" The poet remained silent, looking at the old beekeeper. The old man laughed secretly, blew out the lamp, and stopped asking.

The moonlight is like water, insects sing like singing, and the night wind blows sunflower leaves like waves. The poet couldn't fall asleep, but when he listened carefully, it seemed that amidst the chirping of insects and the sound of leaves, there seemed to be a more familiar voice faintly here and there in the sunflower forest. He asked the old man what that sound was. The old beekeeper said: "Laughter, or crying." L asked: "Who is it? What's going on?" The old beekeeper smiled and said, "Young man, let's talk about love." The old man said: "The sunflower leaves have grown wide and big again. At this moment, there are at least a thousand couples of girls and boys swearing behind the dense layers of sunflower leaves."

The old beekeeper said: "The children in this place all grew up in this sunflower forest, and they all learned about human affairs in this dense sunflower forest." The old beekeeper said: "The girls and boys here are the first time to really see men and women behind the airtight sunflower leaves in this season." The old man said: "The bees gather honey like drunk in this season, and so do people. It's time for girls and boys." The old man said: "My parents approve it. I can't finish kissing enough when I come here for a date. I can't wait to see the woman's body. The family is opposed to it. Come here for a tryst, talk and cry, a pair of tearful people, swear and swear Death cannot be separated. But the woman understands in her heart that this body may inevitably be given to someone else, so she decided to give it to the man she wanted first under the sunflower."

That was their voice, the old man said. The old man said: "I've been keeping bees here all my life, and I've heard and seen a lot. Some got married later, some got separated when they arrived, and some, alas, died." The old beekeeper said: "There are really fierce men and women who ran here alone and drank the poison, and died quietly. There are also two people who ran here together, took off their old clothes, and made love again." Once, inside and out, they changed into married clothes, neat and beautiful, and they drank a bottle of poison separately, and died in this dense sunflower forest all summer without anyone knowing."

The old beekeeper said: "I have heard and seen countless things in my life. How many lives were planted here, and how many lives were left here, who can count the generations?" The old beekeeper told the story of the man and the woman in the sunflower forest all night.One of them seemed familiar. 122 At that time, a woman in the sunflower forest also said (like O once said to the young WR): "I will not leave here, did you hear?" She said: "As long as the sunflower is still the sunflower, I will still be in this sunflower In the cup. If you come back, if my father and mother still won’t let you in, you can go find me in that small earthen hut.”

A man in the sunflower forest said: "I will come back in a few years. At that time, whether your parents agree or not, we will get married in that small earthen house. There are you, me, and that small house." Tsuchiya is enough." The woman in the sunflower forest said: "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere, I'll stay in this sunflower forest until I grow old, waiting for you." The man in the sunflower forest said: "No, it won't take that long, three to five years at most." The woman said: "One hundred years, are you waiting? Are you waiting for your hair to be gray?"

The man said: "No, I won't wait, I will marry you as soon as I come back. Seven or eight years at most." "If my father and mother don't let me stay here, if we move to the city, I will often go to the small earthen house to see if you are back." "I'll send you a message." "What if you can't deliver the message?" "I can always find a way to send a message." "Where do you send your letter?" said the woman in the sunflower grove. "If we move house and you come back, you can find me in that small mud hut. There is my address on the wall of the house. I Wherever I go, I will write my address on the wall of the hut. Then you will send me a letter, and you will stay in that small earthen hut and wait for me to come. I will come right away. know that cabin..."

I think this small earthen hut may be the one that Z went to with his mother when he was five years old.This woman is probably the one mentioned during the conversation between Z's uncle and Z's mother (she has a delicate name).Then, this man is Z's uncle. 123 The poet asked: "What happened later? Did he come back?" The old beekeeper said, "I've been back." The poet asked: "Where is the woman, are you still waiting for him?" The old beekeeper said, "The woman is dead." The poet asked: "Dead? Did her parents force her?"

The old beekeeper said: "It may not be as simple as you think." The old beekeeper said: "The girl's father is the big landlord of this land, and the sunflower fields with a radius of hundreds of miles are all his." The old man said: "First of all, the girl's parents didn't let her get along with such a person who was dishonest and led the school riots. At that time, the two of them often came to meet each other in this Kuilin. I really deserved that girl. Later, the government issued a list to arrest the student who led the trouble, and the man ran away, and he didn’t know where he went for several years. Later, our team won the battle, and the man followed our team to fight. If you win the fight, everyone says this is a good one. It’s really like the poor scholar who won the first prize in the ancient book. What can the girl and her father say now? But who would have expected that the man’s side will not be able to do it again.” L asked: "He doesn't want her anymore?" The old man said, "That's not true." L asked: "Then, why?" The old man said: "Class position. Do you understand the class position? The organization on the man's side does not allow him to marry the daughter of such a big landlord." The old man said: "They came to meet again in this sunflower grove. At night, the bees all went back to their nests and stopped beeping. Under the moon, in the shadow of the sunflowers, I could hear the woman crying. I couldn't hear the man talking but I could hear him. When I was with that woman, I only heard the woman talking and crying night after night, but the man didn’t say anything. It was like this for many days and nights. Until later, the organization said that the influence was not good, Transfer the man away." The old man said: "The man left. The woman died in this sunflower grove and in a small earthen house over there. People carried her body out and buried her on the spot. I saw it with my own eyes, the girl Ruhuasiyu is really worthy of that man." The poet asked: "What about the future?" The old beekeeper said: "For many years, that little earthen house has been haunted." "Really?" the poet asked. The old beekeeper said: "In the second year, a beekeeper lived there. He slept soundly in the middle of the night and suddenly woke up. He heard a woman crying in the sunflower grove outside the small earthen house. , like crying while walking, staying here and there for a while, but not leaving the surrounding area of ​​the small earthen house. The beekeeper wanted to get up and look, but he couldn’t move, and he knew clearly in his heart that he couldn’t move. The woman’s crying The sound was real, but the beekeeper couldn't move at all, and the woman said, 'You don't have any man in your bones'." "What, what did she say?" "She said 'So there's no man in your bones'." The poet L asked: "Did she say that? Do you remember correctly?" The old man said: "Who else is it if it's not her? That's her." Said the poet: "Oh, my God! Did she really say that? What else did she say?" The old man said: "She only said this sentence. 'It turns out that there is no man in your bones... It turns out that there is no man in your bones...' Repeatedly. This sentence sounds strange, and it seems to be a bit strange. Because, maybe it was a spell, the beekeeper could hear it clearly, but he couldn’t move. The woman didn’t leave until the moon went down, and the beekeeper couldn’t move without the woman’s crying.” The old beekeeper said: "The beekeeper came to tell me the next day that he didn't dare to live there anymore and wanted to live with me. I didn't believe what he said. I changed places with him the next night. " The poet asked: "How is it?" The old man said: "It's not fake at all, it's true." The poet asked: "Really? You are not dreaming, are you?" The old man said: "I didn't intend to sleep, I wanted to see what happened." The poet asked: "Isn't she still alive?" The old man said, "No, she's dead. She'd better be dead." The old beekeeper said: "When the moon came up, I went out to urinate. In the sunflower forest around me, there were only crickets and toads screaming, and the sunflower leaves were shaking in the wind as usual, making a sound like water. Just now I went back to the house and lay down, but I couldn’t move. I heard her coming, and I heard it really. She cried for a while in front of the house, and cried for a while in the back of the house, never leaving left or right. They didn't come in around the house, and they kept saying, "It turns out that there is no man in your bones", "It turns out that there is no man in your bones", sobbing and saying the same sentence upside down. That The beekeeper is not talking nonsense, I want to get up and have a look, but I can't explain why, I can't move at all. I can't move, but I know it clearly in my heart, I guess it was the time when she had a tryst with that man when." The old beekeeper said: "She didn't leave until the moon was going down. I saw the light of the moon gradually narrowed and went out from the window. I heard the wind outside the house quiet down, and the crying stopped. I felt my body It was lighter, and I was able to move. I sat up and looked through the window. The sunflower forest seemed to be quiet, and the sky was about to dawn. I came out to have a look. After she had cried and walked by Looking around, I can't find anything special. There are no footprints, no traces left."' L asked: "What happened next?" The old man said: "The beekeeper came at dawn and asked me how I was doing. I said we should report together and prove each other." The old man said: "We ran to the township government to report. A platoon leader and a soldier came, and the two stayed there overnight." L asked: "How is it?" The old man said: "It's the same. Both of them had guns, but when they heard the woman's crying, they couldn't move. They wanted to touch the gun, but the gun was on their body, but they couldn't move, and they couldn't cry out. " The poet L asked, "Did they hear that too?" The old beekeeper said: "It's exactly the same, word for word is still the same sentence. At dawn, the platoon leader reported to the company commander, the company commander reported to the battalion commander, and the battalion commander reported to the regimental commander. The regimental commander came that night. The regimental commander was half an ordinary person, and he slept there alone, without guards. It was really strange, and nothing happened all night. As a result, the unfortunate platoon leader was dismissed." 124 The man mentioned by the old beekeeper doesn't seem to be Z's uncle, or it seems to be true, paradoxical. So as far as my impression is concerned, the man in the sunflower forest may or may not be Z's uncle.For example, it could be Dr. F's father, or someone else.For example, it could also be—for whatever cause, whatever belief, whatever reason, other men who had to leave a woman in the sunflower grove. If that man, as the old beekeeper said, he came back but could not marry the woman in the sunflower grove, so he left the land of sunflowers in full bloom, he is probably Z's uncle.If that woman hadn't died and was still in this world, in this boundless sunflower forest, that man would be Z's uncle.But if that woman, as the old beekeeper said, had already died, and died alone in the sunflower forest after the man left, that man would no longer be Z's uncle, but someone else. When Z's uncle returned to his hometown, it was the time when the sunflowers all over the mountains and plains bloomed most freely and beautifully.That day Z followed his grandfather to see the sunflowers, and met his uncle unexpectedly in the sunflower forest. Z snuggled into his grandfather's arms and felt his grandfather tremble from head to toe.Uncle stood a few steps away and looked at Grandpa without a trace of a smile on his face.Neither uncle nor grandpa spoke or moved, and looked at each other for a long time.Later, when Grandpa put Z down, Uncle came over to see Z and stroked his head.The uncle said to Z: "You should call me uncle." The uncle knelt down and looked deeply at Z's face: "It must be you, I am your uncle." Grandpa listened. Grandpa knew in his heart, for whom uncle came back.Of course grandpa knew, but grandpa didn't dare to tell uncle that the delicate name in the sunflower forest - that woman was already someone else's wife. Uncle said to Z: "Go back and tell your mother that I'm back, and let her come to my place?" Z said: "Where are you here? Aren't you going home with us?" Uncle stood up, looked at grandpa for a long time, asked "how are you?", and went deep into the sunflower forest. Z asked Grandpa: "Uncle, where is he going?" Grandpa didn't answer, tears flowed into his heart.But Grandpa has hope in his heart: as long as the woman in the sunflower forest is alive, he will have a chance to see his son again, and no matter who the woman marries, as long as she doesn't leave here, his son will come back.Grandpa believed it must be so, he knew his son.So he thought of Z's father again. Z's father hadn't come back yet. He must have wanted to come back but couldn't, or he was really dead.Grandpa's tears flowed into his heart. Grandpa sat down on the ridge beside the sunflower grove, looked blankly at the sunflower grove where his uncle disappeared, looked at the sun that had risen, and held his grandson in his arms. "Grandpa, uncle, who is he looking for?" "Son, when you grow up in the future, grandpa only needs you to remember one thing, don't tell others your secrets, and don't know other people's secrets." "What's a secret?" "You will understand this when you grow up. Grandpa, as long as you remember, don't listen to any other people's secrets. If someone wants to tell you something secret, don't listen. If someone wants to tell you something secret, say that It is a secret that cannot be revealed to other people. You simply don’t want to know about such things. You don’t let him tell you. You don’t listen. If someone wants to tell you, don’t listen. " "why?" "You will understand in the future, it is something more terrible than death. Before you understand it, remember what Grandpa said? Please remember, don't tell others your secrets, and you won't reveal their secrets either. Listen. Huh? Can you remember?" 125 Because, that woman in the sunflower forest is a traitor. "XXX is a traitor." We are very familiar with such words.For example, it is the lines in many movies.The woman in the sunflower grove was just like that, a traitor, and not an unjust case. We therefore imagine a story of a traitor, that is, a revolutionary who was accidentally caught by the enemy, tortured, threatened in every way, and then became a traitor.No matter what you can imagine, it is not an exaggeration, as long as she finally gives in and becomes a traitor, she will be the woman in the sunflower forest. Because I heard that there are such people and women in the world. As for how the woman in the sunflower forest became a traitor, Z's uncle never mentioned it.So you need to imagine, to imagine an experience based on countless such stories and legends from ancient times to modern times. The woman was the man's junior high school classmate, and the two of them studied in the same school when they were thirteen or fourteen years old. They were in the same class in the middle school in the northern county.After graduating from junior high school, the woman stopped going to school, and Z's uncle continued to study in high school and teacher training.After graduating from junior high school, the two rarely saw each other.But for a young girl who is growing into a woman, and a young man who is growing into a man, few encounters are enough to create endless dreams.Seldom seeing each other will remind them of their childhood childhood, that they lost their way in the sunflower forest and called each other's names, that they caught crickets together in the sunflower forest where the moon moved and shadows moved, and held hands. Holding hands to catch grasshoppers in the scorching sunflower cup, I remember the girl watching the boy pee in amazement, wondering why he can pee like that, remembering that they suddenly found their brother deep in the dense sunflower forest.Then they found their sister in the arms of their brother.They rarely meet each other, but every time they see each other grow up, and discover the wonderful changes in each other's body, the scene is roughly similar to the poet L's summer. One day (of course it was one day), the girl was walking in the sunflower forest, and the young man suddenly jumped out in front of her, which startled her.As for him, his face was flushed so embarrassing that he couldn't speak clearly, and it took her a long time to understand that he meant that he wanted to lend her a book, that she should read it, that she could not go to school but she must read it, she shouldn't Care about what is going on in the world.Of course, he must have said something else, the scene can be imagined, it is roughly similar to WR and O, similar to the moment when WR and O found each other again among the rows of bookshelves, but the surroundings are not surrounded by bookshelves and Ten thousand books are just replaced by tens of thousands of acres of sunflower groves and the fragrance of sunflowers. Yes, there may be a white bird flying in the sky.For eternity fly in such moments. He kept lending books to her, and she kept returning them, walking deeper and deeper in the dense sunflower forest.Until the white bird in the sky pierced through the clouds and fog, its beautiful wings stretched and rose and fell, stirring the clouds and scatter the drizzle.At that time, if the other two children happened to walk into the sunflower grove, to take shelter from the rain under the broad overlapping sunflower leaves, they would see it and ask themselves with interest—what are they doing?How did their sister run into their brother's arms? Through those books, men lead women into a secret that is simply called: the revolution.The woman began to stand guard for a group of men in front of the small earthen hut.Of course, she was willing, and she was excited and longing for the future that the secret described.She walked around the small earthen house alone, stopped to listen to the changes of the insects, walked to the side of the sunflower forest, and looked around the sunflower leaves, whether the sun was shining or the thunderstorm was roaring or the moon was moving and the stars were moving. Rolling over and feeling prouder than ever before. (I think it must be the same mood when the young poets went to write the "Revolutionary Series" decades later. Generation after generation, that is the necessary mood for young people.) Later, she sent letters for them, passed on news and Information, it is inevitable to participate in that kind of secret, knowing things that maybe her weakness should not know.But her weakness does not exclude the romance and pride reverberating in the secret. She sincerely believes that she has stepped into the truth. The truth can not only make all people happy, but also make her strong and make her the person she admires. The person she loves, and the person he likes, connects her fate with the man she loves, makes her feel that she is his comrade, their own. This pride, this strength, or even this romance, made this woman bravely and wisely lead the enemy astray and save the man from danger on that night when the man had to leave his hometown in the north; , admiring the enemy. That night, Z's uncle took one last look at his seriously ill mother and bid farewell to Z's father. After that, he arrived at the small earthen hut in the sunflower forest, where the woman was waiting for him.As soon as the man's shadow appeared, the woman pounced on it.Two shadows merge into one shadow.In the quiet night of Kuilin, there are crickets and insects singing everywhere.Time was running out, and they could only kiss each other, feeling the heat and trembling of each other's bodies through their clothes.Time is too little, women just say "I'll wait for you, I'll wait for your return, and I'll wait for a hundred years", and men say "It won't take that long, three to five years, at most seven or eight years, I will come back, I will I will marry you when I come back."There is too little time, and most of the time is spent kissing, feeling the plump or strong body of the other party, feeling the burning desire and trembling yearning between the tough and soft body, so it is not necessarily possible to talk a lot. The woman said: "When you come back, come to this small earthen house to find me. If I move, the address will be written on this wall. Tell me again." The man said: "When I come back, I will come to this small earthen house to find you. If you move, your address will be written on this wall." The woman said: "If this hut is gone, you still have to wait for me here. I will write the address on all the sunflower leaves around here. Tell me again." The man said: "If this hut is gone, I'll come here and wait for you. Your address will be written on all the sunflower leaves around here." The woman said: "When you come back, if it's winter, if the hut is gone, and the sunflowers haven't grown, my address will be written on this land." The man said: "When I come back, if it is winter, if there are no sunflowers in the hut and they haven't grown yet, your address will be written on this piece of land." At this time, the sound of insects in the sunflower forest was a bit unusual.The man and the woman separated gently. They were so familiar with the sound of the sunflower forest. They held their breath and looked at each other, pointing out the abnormal changes from far to near. , one voice after another stops, the silence expands and the jubilation shrinks.They hugged each other and listened for a while.Undoubtedly, the chirping of insects in the distance is stopping layer by layer, stopping round and round, and a silent envelopment is tightening.Needless to say, someone is coming.It was obvious that someone had come.More than one, more than a few, is a group, obviously the enemy is coming, coming from all sides. The panicked man pulled the woman up and ran. The weak woman instantly understood that this was the time for her to devote herself.Devotion had long been written in her romantic pride. The woman broke free from the man, gave him a few hasty instructions, then turned and ran in another direction.The man didn't hold her back, and she had already run away.Her slender body made the sound of sunflower leaves, she was a little embarrassed, she stretched out her hand to comfort the layers of sunflower leaves, then she got inspiration and knew the magical effect of this sound, it was the sound of a man who could save her, so she became more dissolute Running quickly, arms outstretched, like a bird flapping in a net or a fish hopping in a pond, she purposely makes the sunflower leaves make a noise like the wind and the waves... She stopped and listened, the man seemed to be far away, the enemy seemed to be approaching, and the sense of pride when she was standing guard in front of the hut was multiplied at this time.She was afraid that the man would not go far enough, and that the enemy would not come close enough, so she stood there and said, "Oh, I am yours, I am yours, I belong to you from head to toe..." It feels so good to finally say what I've been wanting to say but was ashamed to say, and it feels so good, she went on, "Kiss me, kiss me all over, I'll always be yours you know, oh, You can do whatever you want with her, it's all yours..." She moaned excitedly, and continued, "Oh, my man, how good you are, how good-looking you are, how strong you are, you want me , you take me, put me in your arms, put me there, don't lose it, stay with me, forever, don't lose it, don't lose me..." how the moonlight without the sound of insects It is rare to find a night in the sunflower forest without the sound of insects. The old beekeeper said that the night was surprisingly quiet, and there was only one woman's words, clear and bright. On the ground and in the sky, a woman's voice echoed in the sunflower on every leaf. No insects, not at all.The enemy was near, she knew it.I believe she was not necessarily a revolutionary at that time, at that time she was just a lover, a passionate lover or: a, crazy poet. Gunshots rang out, ping-pong-pong gunshots rang out all around her, some bullets whizzed past her head, pierced the sunflower leaves, broke the sunflower stems, and knocked down the sunflowers... She was not afraid at all, and again Running up, the sunflower leaves were also shouting under the moonlight: "Wait for me, wait for me, I'm here, give me a hand... Oh, slow down, I can't run anymore ...No, no, I don't need you to carry me, no, I don't need it, I'm fine...』·" The shouting didn't expand, and it didn't expand enough to be heard by the men going away, but only for the approaching enemies , leading a lost way for the enemy, pointing to a direction farther and farther away from her lover.In the end, she didn't have time to think about the direction. She ran with passion, under the bright moon and starry sky, among the green leaves and yellow flowers, and in the poetry. In the direction farther and farther away, the world has been separated for decades... My imagination may be too unrealistic, too romantic.The road to becoming a traitor is the same as the road to the ideal, colorful and strange, and endless styles can be imagined.But these stories all end in the same way, and they are all the same.Poetry is doomed to do nothing there, it is a desert, or a dry well, that's all, leaving no room for imagination.There is no romance there, there is real, solid, boundless gravel or high well walls.From ancient times to the present, the world has not had a second attitude towards traitors, and has not given second imaginations to the fate of traitors.A traitor, if he is not dead, if he is alive, there will be no second consequence other than being reviled by thousands of people.People agree that a traitor is more terrible and hateful than an enemy, and that treason is the most shameful and despicable act.In this regard, the opinions of all mankind are rarely unanimous.Ever since I opened my eyes to see this world, I have been looking at it day after day, walking towards it day after day, trying to get close to it, listening to its depths, but so far I have not found anything that can To make all mankind so united in opinion.In this matter there were no dissenters, including the traitor himself.Therefore, the story of the woman deep in Kui Lin cannot have a second continuation.Just when she was full of passion, talking, running, shouting and spreading her arms to make waves in the sunflower forest, she was already dead.Even if she is not killed by the enemy or eliminated by "one of my own", she is already dead. In the future, she is just a traitor, a hateful and shameful symbol, a kind of heroic hero with lofty ideals and benevolent people. The background contrast that emerges.For her, the future time is just a long dying time. 126 The enemy interrogated her and tortured her, which is inevitable.It sounds simple, but it's not an imitation in a movie, it's real endless torture.The penal law is omnipotent, the criminal law that will not let you bite and let you suffer, let you die, let your natural nerves exist only for pain.During the intermission of the criminal law, the flesh and blood cells that have evolved for hundreds of millions of years dutifully repaired themselves, but the poor nerves knew that it was just a preparation for another pain.Pain and fear prove that you are alive, and you are alive, but pain is just fear, and it is just the time when pain and fear are alternately connected.I don’t want to (and can’t) list all kinds of criminal laws, but those hateful and terrible things are recorded in human historical materials and can be imagined (human imagination in this respect must exceed their ability to bear, because this Imagination is what you can’t bear, and you can imagine yourself experiencing one or more of them, especially you should imagine its endlessness,...· Perhaps, the enemy will strip her of her clothes in public, let her be naked in front of everyone, and let all kinds of greedy eyes molest her youthful flesh and blood. , But this is not worth mentioning, it is nothing special compared with other criminal laws.If the obscenity is not through seduction but through violence, in fact there are only the molested but not the molested, and there are the humiliated but not the humiliated. Maybe the jailers gang-raped her under the command of the officer?Maybe.But she is powerless to resist and unable to express her will, in her, there is no longer any responsibility.She didn't even have any special fear, her heart was dead and numb, only the pain of flesh and blood, the pain was not necessarily more cruel than other criminal laws.She didn't know who they were, she couldn't feel the difference between them, she couldn't even make out what the noise around her was, her body was bumped, bumped... She felt as if she was drifting on the empty and bone-chilling sea ... So for her, chastity is not touched. Atrocities are the same.The sinful imagination, at its extreme, must be uniform. (In the future, I think it is only after she becomes a traitor in the future, in the long dying days of her life, that she knows what the crueler punishment is.) Among the uniformity of the atrocities, there was only one singular thing worth remembering: before she fell unconscious, she felt that someone had not approached her, that a jailer had not joined in, that a figure had silently left amidst the rage.Before she passed out, she remembered the eyes, the eyes closed first, and then squeezed out of the crowd, squeezing a path between contorted faces, bare arms, legs, sweaty backs, and screams. Gap, disappeared. (This reminds me of the scene decades later when boy Z walked out of the roaring and tsunami-like frenzied crowd with his lips tightly shut.) 127 The woman in the sunflower grove did have a history of heroism. During that time, every family tore off a few pages of the calendar without much concern. The sunflower seeds were more or less full, the temperature hardly changed, bees and butterflies danced in the sunflower forest, and the insects sang in chorus day and night without fading. She seemed to have spent centuries during that time. We can imagine her suffering, and when we imagine, we put our bodies more comfortably on the sofa, we will be angry, we will light a cigarette with trembling hands, we will hate a dark age and a kind of evil system.We will admire that woman, but this is conditional.If the sunflower seeds were more or less full, and the woman went to the execution ground to die bravely, the indomitable days of those days would be immortalized forever, and we are moved and cherished.But if the temperature hardly changes, and the woman finally becomes a traitor after being tortured and threatened with death, those centuries of torment will be wiped away and no trace will be left in history.History will no longer remember that time.History has no time to remember a person's suffering, because the interests and desires of the majority are the masters of history. History does not emphasize the process, but the result.As a result, she finally gave in, finally told the secrets she didn't want to tell, told the secrets that others let her know but didn't let her tell.She had thought that she would be heroic and unyielding to the end. She did have a short history that was quite poetic and picturesque, but torture was not romantic, and endless physical torture would wipe out the poetry and picturesque. What's more, the world also has an overly tricky logic: if everyone can be brave and unyielding, cruelty is meaningless; the reason why cruelty still exists is because people are afraid of suffering, pain and death.I heard that there are heroes who are not afraid of anything. I often admire them while trembling with fear.When cruelty and cowardice coexist, heroes have meaning. The word "hero" needs to retain a meaning, and the way to do so is to create another word—"traitor". She has become a traitor.In other words, the woman who became a traitor happened to be her, the woman in the sunflower grove.It makes others, like me, congratulate themselves.那些酷刑，在其灭亡之后使我愤怒，在其畅行时更多地让我庆幸——感谢命运，那个忍受酷刑和那个忍受不住酷刑的人，刚好都不是我。 几十年中很多危险的时刻，我记得我都是在那样的庆幸中走过来的。比如在那个八月我的奶奶被送回老家的时候，比如再早一些，当少年WR不得不离开母亲离开家乡独自去远方的时候，我就已经见过我阴云密布的心在不住地庆幸，在小心翼翼地祈祷恶运不要降临于我。 128 葵花林里的女人成了叛徒，这不是冤案这是事实。 一种可能是，面对死的威胁，她没能有效地抵制生的欲望。她还没来得及找到——不，不是找到，是得到——她还未及得到一条途径，能够使她抵挡以至放弃生的欲望。这途径不是找到的。没有人去专门去找它，这途径只能得到。有三种境界能够得到它。一是厌世；她没有，这很简单，没有就是没有，不能使她有。二是激情，凭助激情；比如说在那个没有虫鸣的葵林之夜，在敌人的枪声中她毫无惧色，要是敌人的子弹射中了她，她便可能大义凛然地死去，但是那机会错过了，在葵籽更为饱满了的那些日子里，敌人留给她很多时间来面对死亡。三是坚强的意志，把理想和意志组成的美德看得比生命更重要；她不行，不行就是不行，有的人行有的人不行，葵花林里的这个女人恰恰不行，她也许将来能行，但当时她不行。她贪生怕死。虽然每个人都有生的欲望和生的权利，但在葵林故事里，在葵林故事并不结束的时间和空间里，贪生怕死注定是贬意的、可耻的，是无可争辩的罪行。 贪生怕死——今天，至少我们可以想一想它的原因了。 也许是因为她还想着她的恋人，想着他会回来，想着要把她的地址写在小土屋的墙上，想着如果他回来，在葵花林里找不到她，他会怎样……想着他终于有一天回来了，她要把自己交到他的怀里，她还没有闻够那个男人的气味儿，没看够那张英武的脸，没有体会够与他在一起的快乐和愁苦，没有尝够与那个结实的体魄贴近时的神魂飞荡…… 当然也可能非常简单，仅仅因为她对虚无或对另一种存在充满恐惧，对死，有着无法抵挡的惧怕。 再有一种可能是，她无能权衡利弊，无能在两难中比较得失。比如说，敌人把她的亲人也抓了来（我们听说过很多很多这类“株连”的事），把她的母亲和妹妹抓了来，威胁她，如果她不屈服，她的母亲和妹妹也要有她一样的遭遇。那时候她没能够想到人民、更多的人的长远利益、社会的进步和人类的方向，就像她没有得到拒绝生的方法一样，她也没有找到在无辜的人民和无辜的亲人之间作出取舍的方法，没有找到在两个生命的苦难与千万人的利益之间作出选择的逻辑。看着母亲，看着妹妹，两个活生生的性命，真实的鲜血和号叫，她的理智明显不够。或者是智力，人的智力于此时注定不够。我常想，如果是我，如果我是她呢我怎么办？How to choose?我能想到的唯一出路是死，我去死，不如自己先去死，一死了之，把后果推给虚无，把上帝的难题还给上帝。但是，如果万恶的敌人不让你先死呢？你不能一死了之呢？你必须作出选择呢？我至今找不到答案。两个亲人两个鲜活的性命真真切切在她眼前，她选择了让她们活下去让她们免受折磨……为她们，葵花林里的那个女人说出了秘密。 当然还可以有很多种设想，无比的浪漫，但无比的浪漫必要与无比的现实相结合。 129 Z的叔叔第一次回到老家，差不多可以算是没有见到他当年的恋人。他走进葵花林，找到了当年那间小土屋。小屋很破败了，像是多年没有人用过的样子。在那小土屋的墙上，没有她的地址，没有她留下的话，没有她的一点点痕迹。一切都与当年一样：太阳，土地，蜂飞蝶舞，无处不在的葵花的香风，和片刻不息的虫鸣。好像他不曾离开，从未离开过。蜜蜂还是那些蜜蜂？蝴蝶也还是那些蝴蝶？无从分辩。它们没有各自的姓名，它们匆匆地或翩翩然出现，又匆匆地或翩翩然消失，完全是它们祖辈的形象和声音。葵花，照旧地发芽、长大、开花，黄色的灿烂的花瓣，绿色的层叠的叶子，世世代代数不尽的葵花可有什么不同么？太阳和土地生养它们，毁灭它们，再生养它们……它们是太阳的功能？是土地的相貌？还是它们自己呢？虫鸣声听久了，便与寂静相同，让人不安，害怕自己被淹没在这轰隆隆的寂静里再也无法挣脱。太阳渐渐西沉，葵林里没有别人来，看样子不会有谁来了。仿佛掉进了一本童话书，童话中一个永恒的情节，一个定格的画面。小时候我看过一本童话书，五彩的图画美丽而快乐，我不愿意把书合起来，害怕会使他们倍受孤寂之苦。Z的叔叔试着叫了一声那个纤柔的名字，近旁的虫鸣停下来，再叫两声，更远一点儿的虫鸣也停下来。有了一点儿变化，让人松一口气。他便更大声些，叫那纤柔的名字，虫鸣声一层一层地停下去，一圈一圈地停下去。 晚风吹动葵叶，忽然他看见一个字，一张葵叶的背面好像有一个字。他才想起与她的另一项约定，因为小土屋并未拆除，他忽略了那一项约定。 他走过去把那张葵叶翻转，是个“我”字。再翻转一张，是个“不”字。再翻转一张，是“等”字。继续翻找，是：“叛”、“再”、“是”、“你”、“徒”、“要”。Gone.再没了。 他把有字的叶子都摘下来，铺在地上，试图摆成一句话。但是，这九个字，可以摆成好几句话： 1我是叛徒，你不要再等。 2你是叛徒，我不要再等。 3我不是叛徒，你要再等。 4你不是叛徒，我要再等。 就不能摆成别的话么？ 太阳沉进葵林，天黑了。 他摸着那些叶子，怀疑它们是不是真的。 至少，在月光下，那些叶子还可以再摆成两句话： 5你我是叛徒，不要再等。 6你我不是叛徒，要再等。 130 养蜂老人告诉Z的叔叔，那女人昨天——或三天前，或一个月前，总之在Z的叔叔回来之前，在符合一个浪漫故事所需要的时刻——已同另一个男人成亲。 葵花林里的女人从狱里出来，到那小土屋去，独自一人在那儿住了三年。葵林，在三年里一如在千百年里，春华秋实周而复始，产生的葵子和蜂蜜销往各地，甚至远渡重洋。她一天天地等待Z的叔叔回来，等候他的音讯。她越来越焦躁不安，有多少话要对他说呀，简直等不及，设想着如何去找他。当然没处去找，不知他在何方。她向收购蜂蜜的商贩们打听，听商贩们说外面到处都在打仗，烽火连天。没人知道他在哪个战场。 焦躁平息一些，她开始给男人写信。据养蜂的老人说：一个年轻的女人，在葵花的香风中默默游荡，在葵林的月色里，在蜂飞蝶舞和深远辽阔的虫鸣中，随处坐下来给远方的男人写信。据养蜂的老人说：在向日葵被砍倒的季节里，在收尽了葵花的裸土上，一个女人默默游荡，她随时趴下来，趴在土地上，给不知在何方的那个男人写信。用眼泪，而后用誓言，用回忆和祈盼，给那男人写信。她相信不管他在哪个战场上，他必定活着，必定会回来，那时候再把这些信给他看吧。 这样，她平平安安地过了一年。据养蜂的老人说：敌人认为她已经没用了，自己人呢所谓自己人呢，相信她大概是疯颠了，战争正打得火热胜利就在眼前，顾不上去理会一个疯子。于是她过得倒也太平。春天，又一代葵花子埋进土里，她才冷静下来，葵子发芽、长大、开花，黄色的灿烂的花瓣，绿色的层叠的叶子，这女人才真正冷静了。她忽然醒悟，男人不管在哪个战场上，他必定活着，他必定回来，但必定，他不会再要她了，他不会再爱一个叛徒。她是叛徒，贪生怕死罪恶滔天。她就是这样的叛徒，毫无疑问，铁案如山。这时她才看清自己的未来。看清了叛徒的未来，和未来的长久。据养蜂的老人说：此后那女人，她不再到处游荡，白天和黑夜都钻在那间小土屋里，一无声息。就像无法挣脱葵林里轰隆隆的寂静，她无法挣脱叛徒的声名，无法证明叛徒应该有第二种下场，只能证明：那个男人会回来，但不会再要她。 就在我的生命还无影无踪的时候，1949年，我的生命还未曾孕育的时候，这世界上已经有一个女人开始明白：未来，只是一场漫长的弥留。 革命的枪炮声越来越近，捷报频传，收购葵子和蜂蜜的商贩们把胜利的消息四处传扬。夏天的暴雨之后，女人从那小土屋里出来，据养蜂的老人说，只有这时候她出来，认真地在葵林里捡蘑菇。据养蜂老人说：这葵林里有一种毒蘑菇，不用问，她必是在找那东西，她还能找什么呢？据养蜂老人说：见有人来了，不管是谁来了，她就躲起来，躲在层叠的葵叶后面，也可能失魂落魄地跑回小土屋。 她躲起来看外面的人间，这时候她抑或我，才看到了比拷打、羞辱、轮奸更为残酷的惩罚：歧视与孤独。 最残酷的惩罚，不是来自野兽而是来自人。歧视不是来自敌人，而是来自亲人。孤独，不是在空茫而寒冷的大海上只身漂流，而是在人群密聚的地方，在美好生活展开的地方——没有你的位置。也许这仍然不是最残酷的惩罚，最残酷的惩罚是：悔恨，但已不能改变（就像时间不可逆转）。使一个怕死的人屈服的惩罚不是最残酷的惩罚，使一个怕死的人想去寻死的惩罚才是最残酷的惩罚。 她在雨后的葵林里寻找那种有毒的蘑菇。据养蜂的老人说，就在这时候，另一个男人来了。老人说：这男人一直注意着这女人，三年里他常常出现在小土屋周围，出现在她所到之处，如影随形，躲在她看不见的地方注视她。他希望看到她冷静下来，打定主意要等她终于去找那毒蘑菇时才走近她。现在他走近她，抓住她的手，烫人的目光投向她，像是要把她烫活过来。 在写作之夜，诗人L或者Z的叔叔问：“他是谁？” 我想，他可能就是没有参加轮奸的那个狱卒。 写作之夜，养蜂的老人说：“对，就是那个狱卒，除了他还能是谁呢？” 诗人L或者Z的叔叔，问：“他要干什么？” 养蜂的老人说：“他要娶她。” 诗人L或者Z的叔叔，问：“他爱她？” 养蜂的老人问：“什么是爱？你说，什么是爱？” 养蜂的老人说：“他想和她在一起，就这样。他想娶她。” 葵花林里的女人想了一宿。一切都将永远一样：月夜、烛光、四季来风、百里虫鸣。那虫鸣声听久了，便与寂静相同，让人恐怖，感到自己埋葬在这隆隆不息的寂静里了，永远无法挣脱，要淹死在这葵林里面了。她试着叫了一声Z的叔叔的名字，近处的虫鸣停止，再叫一声，远些的虫鸣也停止，连续地叫那名字，虫鸣一层层一圈圈地停下去。但是，如果停下来，一旦不叫他了，虫鸣声又一层层一圈圈地响开来，依旧无边的喧嚣与寂静。Can't break free.毫无希望。她想了一宿，接受了那个狱卒的求婚。 131 Z五岁那年，叔叔站在葵林边，望着那女人的家。 鸡啼犬吠，土屋柴门，农舍后面的天缓缓地褪色，亮起来。他看见一个男人从那家门里出来，在院子里喂牛，一把把铡碎的嫩草洒进食槽，老黄牛摇头晃脑，男人坐在食槽边抽烟，那男人想必就是她的丈夫。屋后的烟囱里冒出炊烟，向葵林飘来，让另一个男人也闻到了家的味道。 Z的叔叔向葵林里退几步。 那个有家的男人走回屋里去，过了一会儿端了一大碗粥出来，蹲在屋门前“唏溜唏溜”地喝，一只狗和几只鸡走来看他喝，侧目期盼但一无所得。这时太阳猛地跳出远山，葵花都向那儿扭过脸去，葵叶上的露水纷纷闪耀。 Z的叔叔蹲下，然后坐在葵花下湿润的土地上。 那个有家的男人喝饱了粥，把大碗放在窗台上，冲屋里说了一声什么，就去解开牛，扛起犁，吆喝着把牛赶出柴门，吆喝着一路如同歌唱，走进玫瑰色的早霞。 Z的叔叔站起来，走几步，站到葵林边。 狗冲着他这边连声地嚷起来，农舍的门开了。 他想：躲，还是不躲？他想：不躲，看她怎样？ 所以，那女人一出屋门就看见了他。 她看见葵林边站着一个男人，尚未看清他就已知道他是谁了。还能是谁呢？其实她早听见他来了。夜里，在另一个男人连绵不断的鼾声中，她已经分辨出他的脚步声了。那时她已经听见，一个熟悉的脚步声穿过葵林，穿过月色．穿过露水和葵花的香风，向她走来。 他看见她的肚子不同寻常地隆起来，又快要为别人生儿育女了。 他不躲避，目光直直地射向她，不出声。 她也不躲避，用自己的眼睛把他的目光全接过来，也不言语。 他想：看你说什么，怎么说？ 她差不多也是这样想，想听见他的声音，听见他说话，想听他说什么，怎么说。 她想：要是你问我为什么不等你，那么你还要我吗？要是你还肯要我，我现在也敢跟你走。 她想：要是你骂我是叛徒，那你就把我杀了吧。那样最好，再好没有了，再没有什么比你把我杀了更好的了。 她想，但也许，他什么都不说。就怕他什么都不说…… 果然，他什么也没说，转身走进葵林。 时间在那沉默中走得飞快，朵朵葵花已经转脸向西，伫望夕阳了。 他们什么也没说。女人一动不动站在柴门前，望着男人走进葵林。像当年那个没有虫鸣的深夜一样，他又消失在层层叠叠的葵叶后面。葵林边，几只蜜蜂和蝴蝶，依旧匆匆或翩翩出没而已。