Chapter 11 11. poplar tree

11. poplar tree 100 Dr. F's calm stream flooded into that turbulent summer, I think, is unlikely to be because of politics. Dr. F is notoriously apolitical. Dr. F has always been concerned only with his medicine, and some mysteries beyond medicine, such as the origin and destination of souls.He believes more and more: the brain and the soul are two different things, just like the computer and the person who uses the computer are two different things, just like reasoning and intuition are two different things, just like reason and desire are two different things, just like writing and what it wants to pursue and approach That feeling of boundlessness is two different things.Doctor F once said to poet L: Where do your poems come from?On what basis does your brain write lines of poetry?You must see a chaos before writing, you must pursue that chaos while writing, and you must find that you are still very far away from that chaos after writing.The chaos that motivates you to write is where your soul lies, and it may be that all the news of the world is weaving in an intricate and disorderly manner.You try to see it, to express it—the brain is at work, and before that, the chaos was there, the soul was there before your intellect, the soul of poetry was settled before your lines.How you try to get close to it is the task of the brain; how much you can get close to it is the taste of your poetry; It proves that the brain can never catch up with the soul, so the brain and the soul must be two different things.This is off topic.I mainly think that if F is indifferent to, keeps a distance from, and even fears any kind of politicians, then he must have gone into that turbulent summer because of the overflow of old feelings. I can only understand and imagine that he is just looking for his old friends. Lover - female director N.

Later, Mrs. F insisted: Dr. F went against the norm of more than 20 years. In fact, it started when he saw the little black book—"LOVEE STORY"—and it could only be earlier than that!This judgment is neither completely wrong nor completely right. It can be said that Dr. F’s flood of old love began at this time, but it was by no means earlier than this. In fact, the real flood occurred after Dr. F walked into the kitchen. The sons and daughters of Dr. F later deduced that it was when he was frying dumplings that he touched the printed matter from his pocket. It was stuffed into him by others during the day. Li touched it out.This inference is neither entirely wrong nor entirely correct. Dr. F was standing in front of the gas stove frying dumplings, and his voice of "sizzling la la" was full of past events that were touched in the little black book.He always saw the girl N holding the little black book, moved to tears by the tragic love story of the hero and heroine in the book, and always heard the young man F vowing to the girl N over and over again, saying that he would be like the hero in the book Fall in love with her, marry her, and never separate from her father's order.At that time, the old love began to surge continuously. Doctor F did not accidentally need a piece of waste paper to find the printed copy. He was looking for something readable to withstand the storm of old love, but what he found was the copy The print, with N's name on it, said how and how this female director is shooting a feature film that doesn't even have a script. After reading F, I was stunned for a long time, as if I heard an ominous sound, a group of hustle and bustle, that sound is like firecrackers on New Year's Eve every year, what is it?He couldn't tell, but he clearly felt a danger.

When Doctor F came out of the kitchen, his expression changed drastically.He walked slowly into the bedroom.Sitting on the sofa, he muttered indistinctly and non-stop, his face was stiff and his eyes were in a trance. Mrs. F thought: something hopeless is happening, and F, who has never turned day and night upside down, is entering a state of indiscriminate day and night—he is wandering on the edge of reality and dreams again. Madame F., as she had done in the night, led the off-guard dreamer to reveal the secret.She shook the little book in front of F's eyes, convinced that he had entered the honesty of the dream, and asked him: "Is there a cure for this disease now?" "A little, not much." "What?" Illness? What kind of condition is that?" "Leukemia. But do you think it's really because of leukemia? But it's not the cause of the tragedy." Mrs. F tactfully followed his dream path and asked: "Then, what is the cause of the tragedy?" F did not answer for a long time. Mrs. F chased after him: "What is your tragedy, or someone else's?" At this time, Doctor F seemed to suddenly remember a long-forgotten event, and while frightened, racked his brains to recall What the hell is that.What is it?So he heard the ominous sound of the future again, and even smelled a terrible smell. Mrs. F still didn't let him go: "For example, what about your tragedy?" F buried his head deeply, and he really couldn't figure out whether it was day or night.Just at the place where F was ignorant and didn't know where he was, the words that had been lost for many years gathered together and oscillated with the help of his vocal cords: "Your bones have never been a man."... Maybe there has always been such a secret : The spell is spoken by the person who is cast the spell, which is the way to break the spell.Outside the window, the stars are bright and the moon is shining. F murmured and repeated that sentence, and his heart became as clear as the night sky outside.After a while, a cloud-like smile flitted across his eyes.Twenty years of spells and twenty years of "calm river" will die together. Mrs. F was a little scared again, she approached him, patted his shoulder, stroked his back, called his name, trying to wake him up.But this time, Dr. F didn’t sleep, and he didn’t wake up again. When he stood up, he said a word in a low voice, as if he was talking to himself. After a long time, Mrs. F thought she heard that sentence clearly, but she didn’t, that sentence was not "I'm going to see her", instead: "I have to go to the conservation area."

But it has been gone for more than 20 years, and there is no news. Where can I find N? 101 There is a path.There is a row of poplar trees.The background is a three-story building, and the messy buildings are still the same. Except that the row of poplar trees are obviously taller than before, nothing has changed. (My feeling is: the stage designer has nothing to do, and the row of trees is a forced explanation of time.) Doctor F leaned on his bicycle and stood on the path.The west end of the trail was still blocked, with a telephone pole and a crumbling street lamp.From the position of F (this is still the position, it is still the position of the year, it can also be regarded as: the position of the previous game), through the branches and leaves of the poplar tree, you can see the long-lost window. F looked at the window, even the posture of looking did not change.

(It’s as if the theater was on a break for a quarter of an hour. During this quarter of an hour, someone imagined some unfounded stories. Now, the scheduled drama continues to be performed. Or it’s just a change of scene, and the stage lights are turned off for a while. Dr. F took the opportunity to go backstage to change the costume, and when the lights came back on, the audience had already recognized from the poor subtitles: this is more than twenty years later.) The specific time is a dusk in late spring, when I get off work. Here is a relatively quiet area, in the distance (or behind the scenes), the noise of the city is hustle and bustle.

(Because of the hints of life changes, or of life reincarnation, or considering that life itself provides such hints anytime and anywhere, the director of the play did not forget to arrange the next one not far from F An elderly man.) An old man kept turning his head to look at F, with suspicion in his expression. F has already recognized this old man, or this is the same old man back then, or—time has passed relentlessly—this old man is already the son of the old man back then. When N's mother refused to let F in, he had to wander along this path. At that time, there was always such an old man with wary eyes around him.Back then, the old man wore a red armband more than he does now.The old man pointed to the red armband on his arm and asked F:

"who are you?" "Chinese," F answered him. "Don't talk nonsense, I didn't ask you this." "Then what are you asking me?" The old man thought for a while and said, "I asked you what you are always here for?" "Then what do you always want to do here?" The old man stared blankly at F, feeling a little confused for a moment, but soon came to his senses and said, "I asked you, not for you to ask me." "Why do you ask me?" "I've been paying attention to you for many days. You're always walking around here, looking around furtively. Do you think I haven't noticed?"

"I'm asking you, what right do you have to ask me?" The old man pointed to his red armband again: "I'm asking you based on this!" F touched the red armband and said: "Are you on a mission? Then let me tell you, my mission is a hundred times more important than yours. Your right is the red armband, but my profession prevents me from doing it casually." Expose your identity, do you understand?" The innocent old man was dumbfounded at first, and then had a look of guilt on his face: "So, you are...?" F couldn't bear to torture him anymore, and said, "Let's do our best and don't ask any more questions. It's best not to publicize this matter."

Back then, the poor old man cast suspicious and fearful eyes on Dr. F from a distance for a long time.Because, in the last days before F broke up with N, N's mother rejected him several times, leaving him to wander alone under the poplar tree... N's mother: "Don't come here again, don't come to her again." The kind but haggard mother: "Let's go, let's stop torturing her. I only have this one daughter left." You, she meant you, not you but you. The mother who has gone through ups and downs: "No, no, no, I understand, there is no need to say anything, I can understand everything." The mother who has experienced vicissitudes and hardships: "Yes, yes, it is very likely that your parents are right. , not to mention that we don't want to affect your future."

This time it's us, she doesn't mean me, she means us. To which she added: "We, N and I, we don't want to jeopardize anyone's future." Anyone, yes she meant anyone. Indisputable, the still proud mother could not be distinguished: "Okay, so be it." Her eyes looked outside the door, indicating that it was the direction you should retreat. "No no, no goodbye, that's it." N's father, a rightist in 57 years, used to be a writer, a well-known writer, was expelled from public office in 57 years as an extreme rightist, and later had to leave the city like WR, far away from his hometown earlier than the young WR.I only have a vague impression of him: a tall man with a big smile and a hearty laugh, with extraordinary physical strength.I remember that in front of that unexpectedly beautiful house, in the yard full of green grass and flowers and trees, he stretched out his arms left and right, and the childhood F and N each clasped one arm. "Are you ready?" "Okay!" He swung the two children up, and the sky turned around, the sun jumped and the white clouds flew away, until N called out, "Let me down, let me down, put me down, O mother— Look daddy, I'm dizzy", and then N's white skirt unfolded like a parachute, and landed on the ground, the boy F and the girl N hugged each other amidst the man's hearty laughter, waiting for the world to calm down.The world calmed down.The world calmed down, but the hearty laughter was gone, the tall figure was gone, and N and his mother moved away from that beautiful house...

N's mother took N away from that beautiful house and lived in this messy building area. N's mother, her face and hands are getting rougher day by day, but her demeanor is still gentle, and her expression is still dignified and dignified. N's mother, still dressed neatly and unfashionably, still played the old-fashioned piano at night and on Sundays, playing the pieces she had always loved.The sound of the piano flowed through the cluttered buildings, as always, neither lonely nor arrogant, neither sad nor sorrowful, alone seemed more long and easy to be trampled The strong mother: "Okay, okay, our only consolation is that we have not deceived anyone. Her father is like this, and so are she and her mother!" The upright mother closed the door and turned away the young doctor Outside the door: "We never intend to deceive anyone, yes, especially love!" F withdrew like a liar who was found out, like a thief who was caught and released, with his head bowed, he stood on this path for a long time, not knowing where to go.At that time, there was an old man not far from him, the current old man or the father of this old man, such vivid eyes can only be attributed to genetics.At that time, the row of poplar trees were still thin, and the summer vacation had passed but the singing of the cicadas had not yet died down.Those days, those long minutes and seconds, he had to wander on this path, waiting for N to come out of the house or come back from the outside, waiting for her to appear so that he could say a few words to her again, thinking about it day and night. He told her all the things he had said, and showed her all the letters he had written but not sent. (So ​​far, there are two options for the development of the drama. One is that N will appear soon, so that F may not be the current F, and he will frantically pour out, howl, shout, and if the fiery language bursts and overflows, it will be Activate his other nature to forge him into a lover who will give up his life and forget everything. Of course, there is another plan.) Day after day and night after night, with all his bravery, he paced up and down waiting for N under the watchful eyes of the old man, and was ready to be questioned by the police at any time.But he fails, and the play adopts another plan. (Another solution is: if N appears too late, F's madness will dissipate, and his weak nature of seeking peace and smuggling will gain the upper hand in the waiting day after day, month after night, night after night. It will take more than 20 years for the breakthrough, and all those blazing words will pour back into my heart, only a few broken echoes in the night dream, and F is still the F of today.) Man is never a match of fate, and N did not return home for more than a month. F forgot that it was the last semester before N's university graduation. When F was wandering on this small road day and night, N was visiting the poor in the northwest plateau thousands of miles away, preparing for her under the oil lamp in the loess cave. graduation thesis.I think that the reason why N chose such a distant place for practice is that he wanted to use the strangeness of space to escape the suffering of time. And now, as for F, he is standing on this path again, standing in the time of suffering and peeking at those familiar spaces. The window is still the same window, "the human face does not know where to go".He watched from noon to dusk, only the setting sun was slowly passing by in the window and on the balcony, only a basket in the wind and rain shifted its shadow, it was deserted and silent, and no one appeared.What if it happens? (Hey, what would happen if it appeared? The director in the dark asked: What would happen if N appeared on the balcony? The balcony door opened, and N came out, leaning on the railing to read a book, what would happen? The balcony door opened, N walked out, took a deep breath, and did a few gymnastics, what would happen? The balcony door opened, N came out with a strange man, and dried the clothes, what would happen then? N walked out, and her watering the flowers and talking and laughing together, what will happen to this earthly character F?) In that case, I think, Doctor F will definitely hide in the shade of the poplar tree, hide behind the thick tree cup of the poplar tree, look at them from a distance, or look up at the leaves and buildings of the poplar tree narrow sky.His penchant for dreamscapes is almost masochistic.He will look from afar, or in the sky, to see his disfigured former lover, and all that is connected with her.According to my understanding, F would never go upstairs to find her immediately.The birds returning home collect the sunset, and the lights of thousands of houses spread out the night. If my understanding is correct, F will not go upstairs to find her.Regarding the form of reunion, what we fear is not cruelty but mediocrity. Doctor F must just watch silently, neither wave nor summon, he must hope for the old lover as I hope: -: Didn't notice him at all. Two: Noticed him, but didn't recognize him. Three: recognized him but ignored him, turned and went back. Four: She saw him, and suddenly recognized it was him, so no matter what she was doing, she immediately stopped, remained motionless, her smile slowly melted, and stared at him, like him, without beckoning or calling, staring at each other until In the dark night, no one can see anyone anymore. But it must not be five: She suddenly saw him, recognized him, froze for a few seconds, then waved to him, and then came downstairs, "Hey——, why are you here?" She asked knowingly, "It's been a long time See you, how are you?. Heh, it's fine, how about you?" "I'm fine too, go up and sit down?" "No, how is Auntie?" "Are you busy? Go up and sit down? We We're still friends, aren't we?" So we had to go upstairs together... Don't be five: Walk through the very familiar corridor, walk into the very familiar hut, see completely unfamiliar furnishings, "Let me introduce, this is my husband, this is our child, mom, who are you looking at?" Here you come, don’t you know him?” No, once you enter the hut, you don’t know anything, not even the teacup, not even the tone of voice, not even the smell of the air , "Smoking?" She handed over the cigarette, keeping a proper distance... Don't be five: "You'd better smoke less, okay?" She didn't mean him, but another man, "Oh, his heart is not very good," explained politely, and then flitted across the face A trace of anger that outsiders can't see, "Hey, did you hear, you smoke less, am I wrong?" That's right, that man's heart is not very good and you have no right to interfere with this man's heart , "If you don't believe me, you can ask him, he is a doctor," Anger retreated politely, and put on a smile, "You should believe what the doctor says, right?" "But the doctor is smoking too?" So they all laughed, although they didn't Humor is not funny at all Don't be five: Then you have nothing to say, "Oh, how are you?" "It's okay, okay, okay." "Busy? What have you been busy with?" I don’t know what I’m fussing about, what about you? What about you?” “It’s all the same, what else can I do?” I can’t find the topic again, it’s not that I can’t find it, it’s because I’m hiding some sentences that I’ve already lined up in my heart ... Don't be five: "Hey, do you know where XX is now?" Thankfully, there is another thing to say, "What is XXX doing?" "Where is XXX, have you seen him recently?"" No, no, there has been no news about him for so many years, how about him?" "I met XX on the street a few years ago, and I heard from him that XX has become the director of the bureau." "Yes, that guy is An official." "What about you? You must be a professor, right?" "I'm ashamed, I'm just an attending doctor who uses knives like a barber all day long."... "Oh, it's getting late, don't bother me any more It's over." "Alright, then, come here often when you have time." "Oh, why don't you just leave? Are you so busy? Well then, it's nice to meet you."... Oh my God, it must not be the fifth type.As long as it’s not the fifth, the first four are fine. As long as you don’t be so polite, any of the first four is advisable, and it can be regarded as a relief to Dr. F.Consolation does not exclude love, hate, or even "even if we meet each other, we should not know each other", but only mediocrity, only marking you as a guest without being rude, and pushing you away at an appropriate distance Outside - by the way: friends.This location, this distance, is a magic valley, a ghost wall, an ugly, ferocious and soul-eating old demon, who can turn gold into stone, turn blood into water, and turn your life-saving treasures into one. A casual joke. Yes yes, I believe that Dr. F must be: if that polite situation is possible, his only option is not to give it a chance.He or me—we will stare silently, across a vast space and vast time, gaze at the sorrow and impermanence of life, and appreciate the richness and shortness of history.He or I, calm but dejected.He said did you see it?I said I could see it: getting close, but for a moment it was alienated.He or I, trying to be calm but with cold limbs, he said, did you hear me?I said I could hear it: the bubbling blood was still flowing, I said I could hear it, and my heart and soul were being bitten again, and I said yes, yes, I could hear it.I said that you have dreamed about Dr. F's scene and voice for more than 20 years, which is not surprising.He said but you look again, you look again, he said that standing on the balcony is not her, that is not them, that is a stranger, I said yes I said ok ok I said it doesn't matter it doesn't matter, what It's all possible. I said seven thousand seven hundred nights. Have you dreamed of such scenes?Isn't it? He said dreams that we haven't dreamed, and what dreams we haven't had in time, we are no longer a rare and strange age. F or me, we will quietly watch from afar for a long time, stand in the afterglow of the setting sun, stand in the noise of evening crows returning to their nests, stand in the midst of indifferent crowds who don't know the truth, stand until the stars and the moon rise and stand until the night The wind rustled and stood until everything was silent, at the knot of the sky and the earth, at a point of resentment, F, or me, let's look at it. (If the director in the dark asks: What did you see? These two earthly characters can only tell him: So what is there in this world? This is what you should answer, not us.) If the lights of this stage are on you, if we're close enough for your image to come into my eyes, that's called: reality. If the lights of this stage have illuminated you, when I come back your image has drifted away, if your image has drifted into the vast universe, this is called: the past. If I have come back, if you are no longer there, but my consciousness surpasses the speed of light, I will track your drifting image with the eyes of my heart, this is: look out. If reality has become the past, if the past is forever reality, if a scarred desire catches up with a drifting image in a time without place or in a place where time has been obliterated, it is a dream. That is the dream. For more than twenty years, or forever, nothing more than that. 102 That window is on the third floor. N windows. N window of the year. The buildings here are all three stories, the same height, the same width, and the same length. This building area must have been designed by a fool. All the buildings are gray and have the same rectangular shape. Before dawn, they look like sections of city walls, and after nightfall, they look like deserted tombs. Fleet, mottled and brilliant flags are unfurled at every window: sheets, shirts, diapers, old sheepskin jackets and women's flowered underpants.Like a song sang: "It used to be like this, and it's still like this now..." Once upon a time.Once upon a time. In the past, youth F followed his lover into one of them... Walking in, the corridor is dark and narrow like a tomb passage, with doors lined up at equal distances on both sides. (Well, this is the kind of building that a nine-year-old painter or a nine-year-old me can understand!) Public toilets release blinding gas day and night.There are eight stoves in the common kitchen on each floor, indicating that there are 3824 households in this building, and the sound of frying and frying starts at dawn and ends at night.When young F walked into this building with his lover for the first time, he was no less surprised than me or Z when they broke into that maze-like beautiful house.The young man F followed N into one of the buildings, and into N's house, trembling and not daring to show his air. The scene must have been like a nine-year-old boy following a nine-year-old woman.For several months thereafter, every time F came to look for N, he had to ride his bicycle around the building area for a long time to identify, looking for N's ​​house.He instinctively didn't want to be familiar with this place, didn't want to admit it, didn't want to accept the fact that N lived here.In the mind of young F, N is the embodiment of all things holy and pure, his conscience at every moment, his hope when he wakes up in the morning, his prayer before going to sleep at night, and even his belief itself.For several years, only when F entered N's room and saw that N was safe and still alive, could he be sure that N had just moved out of the old house, from that beautiful and secluded house, and came to live here.When the sky was bright and he hadn't seen her, or when night fell and he left her again, he always wondered anxiously whether he could find her again from this building. F dreamed more than once that he was lost in this building area, running around looking for the only lovely window, the only warm building door and the small room, but he couldn't find it, no matter what. He couldn't find it, he really seemed to have walked into a lost city, into a boundless cemetery by mistake, and strangers told him: No, no, the person you are looking for is not here at all!Or no one told him, no one was around, all the doors and windows were closed, and the burning sunset jumped from one piece of glass to another, like shining on a group of model buildings.There are not even drying items on the balcony, no women's bright clothes, no children's fluttering diapers, only hard cement and their gray shadows, no signs of life.The shadows of the buildings are all falling in one direction, neat and empty... It's just a faint voice wrapped in the empty wind: No, no, there is no room you are looking for these few days There is no building you are looking for, there is no girl you want me at all... F woke up with a loud cry, froze for a long time, stopped sleeping, got up and walked to the balcony. In Dr. F's deep-rooted desire, just as in my unconfirmed impression, N should still live downstairs in his house as he did in his childhood and teenage years.Yes, that magical, beautiful, dreamlike building, where F and N once lived. F lives in its upper left corner (the far left of the second floor), and N lives in its lower right corner (the far right of the first floor). From the balcony of his bedroom, F can see whether N's ​​window is open or closed, and whether N is at home or hasn't come back as soon as he leans over.He can see her every day, see her in the morning glow or in the sunset, see her clapping her hands and dancing rubber bands in the snow, see her coming back from swimming with her wet hair loose under the scorching sun, see her swimming in the rain Going to school with a bright red umbrella, seeing her raise her face and calling him "Hey F, come down quickly, you come down quickly, you coward!" Seeing the lonely sunshine in front of her house when she was not there...For the first time in his life, he saw her by leaning over the balcony railing.But maybe not, maybe he was not grown up then, not tall enough to lean over the balcony railing, not yet aware of her need for him, maybe he saw her for the first time through the gap in the balcony railing Yes, I have not yet felt a fate approaching. The young man F walked up to the balcony, whether it was due to his deep-rooted desire or my impression that I could not corroborate, he could not help but lean on the railing and look towards the lower right of the building: it seems that N has not moved away, especially not Moved to that complex, she still lived with him in that beautiful and elegant house... 103 It was in the year when the young girl N was just admitted to the drama (or film) academy, N’s father became an “enemy of the people” with one of his fairy tales and his subsequent defense of the fairy tale, and was ordered to leave his wife. Son, leave literature, leave hometown, and go to the mountains in the northwest to reform your soul. IO4 A few years ago, there was a festival, maybe it was "July -" or "July 1", in short, it was some kind of festival party, the stage lights were light blue, and the female young pioneer N stepped onto the stage and began to sing.The first line of the song is: "When I was young, my mother taught me to sing, and in her loving eyes, there were faint tears..." When she sang, the little boys in the audience didn't shout. Stop making noise, the singing voice flows from the soft stage lights into the clear and peaceful summer night starry sky. At that time, the young female pioneer N was ten years old, and she had just come to the north from the south with her parents. The party was over, and the children happily jumped and walked home, and the sky was full of stars and moons.The girls surrounded N in the middle, and the soft-spoken group walked in front.The boys trailed a little behind, stomping a little, then laughing, stomping a little more, and laughing a little more.One boy said, "She's from the south." Another boy said, "Yo-yo--you know." The first boy said, "Nonsense, isn't it?" The second boy said The boy said: "Nonsense, the south is big." N heard all these words.The little boys walked behind in a mess, and the little girls walked quietly ahead in skirts.At that time, the street lights were not as bright as they are now, and the streets at that time were quieter than they are now.Near the river, the third boy said, "Her family lives just around the corner on the east side of the bridge." The first boy said, "No. 5." The second boy said, "Yo-yo- -, you know again." The first boy said: "Then what number do you say?" The second boy said: "Anyway, it's not number five, and it's not Qiaodong." The third boy said: "It's Qiaodong, don't you believe it's a bet?" The girl N heard all these words, she pursed her lips and smiled secretly, but she will always remember these lovely friends and the shining stars in the sky.The second boy said: "You can tell me what bet you want to make." The third boy said: "You must lose the bet. Her house is next to the oil and salt shop on the east corner of the bridge." The second boy said And said: "Yo yo yo - number five?" The girls all looked back, thinking that the boys were going to fight again... Only one boy remained silent throughout.Only he knew exactly where N lived—downstairs from his house.But he didn't say it.This boy is F.Boy F listened to the arguments of those boys, and felt extremely proud.Waves of pride and happiness stirred in his heart, and made him want to utter this accurate news several times.He still didn't say anything.He looked at the starry sky excitedly, and suddenly believed for no reason: there will never be just indifference, emptiness, and nothingness. N does not live elsewhere, N came to the north from the south and lived downstairs in his house. A few years later, the young man F felt that this was an arrangement that already existed in the unfathomable sky and the vast nebula. That arrangement used Xia Ye's moving singing voice to link him with N. But that arrangement was more than that.That ray of singing also alarmed a famous film director.The old man happened to live not far from the auditorium and the stage. He came looking for the sound, stood by the window and listened for a while, then went into the auditorium to see the singing girl.In this way, not long after, I saw the female young pioneer N in a movie pictorial.I read that pictorial year after year, watched the movie she acted in, saw her beauty and innocence, and followed her dream to dream, and at that time, N’s wish to be a director became firm year after year . 105 Girl N was finally admitted to the drama (or film) academy.She lives at school and doesn't go home until Sunday. As for F, he is in the third year of medical school. He also lives in the school and only goes home every Sunday.That is to say, they may not meet until Sunday.The theater (or film) school and the medical school were not far apart, but they rarely met on campus; at that time, college students were punished for falling in love, even expelled from school. One weekend, F came home from school.It was neither the midwinter weekend of painter Z, nor the midsummer weekend of poet L, but the late autumn weekend of college student F.The leaves of the climbing plants on the courtyard walls were turning purple and brown.The wide leaves of the sycamore tree are falling with the wind, and they sigh when they leave the branches, and fall quietly into the grass without making a sound.There are still patches of lingering green on the grass, and the grass has set seeds in time.The autumn light was just right, but there was no one in the yard.The fallen leaves on the gravel road are inevitably crushed, and it is actually very complicated to listen to the cracking sound.The shadows of the pillars fell long and broken on the steps, and so did the shadows of people. No one at home is here.There are not many such cases, but for F, the absence of parents means ease and freedom, and there is no harm.He searched around for a while, then stood in the kitchen and stuffed a can of canned food, half a braised fish and three steamed buns into his stomach. (Boy Z guessed wrongly, there must be steamed buns in this beautiful dream-like house.) He swayed his body while eating, his eyes were looking at the setting sun outside the window, and his feet took turns stepping out on the ground. It seems that that allows the food to pass through more smoothly and quickly.If his mother was there, he would scold him for being absent-minded all day long, and everything he did seemed to be in a dream.He wanted to go out at once, to find N, without having to come back for dinner in between, and to stay with her until he had to go home to bed—that was the chief value of ease and freedom.看来母亲说的实在不错，至少有半个F是在作着梦——他希望打开的是一听午餐肉，而实际打开的是一听番茄酱；因此整个进食的过程中他总感到有什么地方不大对劲。直到三个馒头都已通过食道，他才看见那听午餐肉还在橱架上享受着安祥的秋阳。 但是N 的家里也没有人。按了门铃但没人应，推一下门，开了。 满地都是书。 一万本书，像山倒下来似的铺满在地上。所有的房门都开着，但是没有人。窗也都开着，风，翻看着一本本写满了字的稿纸。风把零散的稿纸吹起来，让它们像蝴蝶那样飞来飞去，在一座座书的山丘上掠过，在山巅上招展并发出欢笑，或又滚下山谷去沉睡。那只猫像张望一群鸟儿那样地张望飞舞的稿纸，转着头仰视它们，或扑向它们，或被它们惊得逃窜，躲在山洼里依然保持着对它们的欲望。 F叫着N的名字，在那只猫的陪伴下走遍所有的房间。但是没人应，哪儿都没有人。他想给家里打个电话，报告这儿的情况，问问父母知不知道N 家出了什么事。但电话里什么声音都没有，电话被掐断了。到底发生了什么事？F坐在书山上，抱着那只惊魂未定的猫，一直等到阳光退出窗外，N 还是没回来，N的父母也没回来。他把窗一一关上，把门一一关上，在倾倒的书山中推开一条路。他把门厅里的壁灯扭亮，给N留下一张字条插在壁灯上：“我来过了。不知出了什么事。猫先跟我去，它饥肠辘辘。” 106 过了三天，N和N的母亲回来了。 那三天里，F每天下了课就往N的学校跑，N不在，N的同学说她这几天都不住在学校，F转身就走，骑上车飞奔回家。那三天晚上，F回到那座美丽的房子，不让父母知道，直接到N家去，但看见的只是那张字条孤独地插在壁灯上。那三个冷清而惶恐的夜，F与那只猫在一起，不开灯，躺在书山上不断地从恶梦中惊醒。第四天晚上，他一走进院门就看见N家有灯光。他大步跑进N家，见N和N的母亲正坐在孤零零的饭桌前吃晚饭。那些书大多不见了，一本本写了字的稿纸也不见了，一排排的书架都不见了，只剩很少的几件家具码放在角落里。 F愣愣地站了一会儿，问：“你们也得走吗？” N和N的母亲互视，无言。 “你们要到哪儿去？你们也得跟伯父一起去吗？” N的脸上没有表情。N的母亲请F坐下，坐下说。 那只猫跳到他怀里。 “我们不过是，”N的母亲说，“要搬出这个院子，到别处去住。” "where?" “不远。还在这座城里。” “真的？不到西北的大山里去吗？” “不。如果要说方向嘛，倒正巧是东南。”N的母亲神情自若，甚至面带微笑。“东南，这座城的东南角。换个环境，不好吗？” N把那只猫接过去，一心一意地爱抚着它。 “可我不相信伯父他会是……” “嘘——”N的母亲示意F不要再说。 那一声“嘘”很轻，但在空空荡荡的屋子里仿佛响了很久，仿佛全世界都在屏息聆听它。三个人都不再说什么，目光投在三个方向。屋子显得很大，甚至辽阔，窗和门相距遥远。四壁空空，仿佛没有被踩过的雪。 那只猫“喵呜——喵呜——”地叫着，在四壁间震起回声。 “以后再到我们家来，可能，你应该加一点地警惕了。” “不，不会。伯母，我不会的。” “你……唉，你们俩可真是年轻。”N的母亲看看F，又看看N。 “伯母，我不会那样的，我不是那种人。而且我相信伯父他不是……” “如果你相信，”N的母亲又急忙打断地：“只要你相信他是坦诚的就够了。他如果错了，你相信，他可能错在很多地方，但他没有错在良心上，这就够了。不要再多说了，我想你们……毕竟也是不小了。” “以后，要是你还愿意来看看我们，你就到……哦对了，我给你一个我们的新地址。” “什么时候搬？” “礼拜日，”N说。N和那只猫一起看着F。 “那我来帮你们搬。” "no." “为什么？礼拜日我没有事呀？” “我说了——绝对不行！” “怎么啦，伯母？” “那天这座楼，所有的窗子后面都有眼睛。” "I'm not afraid." “可我怕。” 107 礼拜日，天还没亮，F就骑上车到N的新家去了。 这是他头一次走进这片灰暗芜杂的楼区，此后的三年中他将要百次千次地到这儿来，有时候一天中就要来好几次。而且未来，有一个万死不悔的夜晚在那儿等着他，但只一夜，疯狂而辉煌的一夜。 F找到了那座楼。楼前有一群孩子在游戏，又脏又快乐，以后F将常常看见他们并羡慕他们。他找到了三层上的那套房间。八个房门中的七个都传出礼拜日早晨嘈杂的家庭交响曲，只有一个锁着，寂无声息，这一个显然就是N从今往后的家了。他在那门前站着，一无作为甚至一无思想。八个门中的七个不断地有人出来，或提着拖把、或攥着手纸、或端着尿盆从他面前走过，一路向他行注目礼，甚至在拐进卫生间两手向腰中摸索裤带时还回头再把他审视一回。以后，F将要在这样的目光中经受三年考验，而最终与他们不辞而别。 搬家的车到了。N的母亲看见F，只对他说：“那就别站着，动手搬吧。”F被这句话感动着，整整那一天他再没有站过或坐过一分钟。 N的母亲看见，从昨天到现在，F和N的目光时常相遇，但互相没有说过一句话。N的母亲想道，这正是所谓“风暴眼”吧，又差不多是一场战争前的沉寂，但可惜他们不可能永远都呆在那一块平安的地带和纯净的时间里。N的母亲知道，未来是不可阻挡的，不管那是什么。 里外间，两间小屋，都安顿好了，N住里间，母亲住外间，不多的家具安排得很紧凑。看样子还不坏。两个年轻的大学生站在门口往那屋里看，看他们平生的第一回创作。光线渐渐地昏暗了。因为匆忙中忘记买灯泡了，少女N点起了一支蜡烛。三个人围着那烛光坐下，开始吃冷面包和一条冷熏肠。 N的母亲说：“这倒很像是一次圣餐。” N的母亲说：“确实像基督徒们说的，感谢主赐给我们食物。” N的母亲说：“好像还应该有一点地音乐，是吗？” N的母亲说：“要不要我给你们弹支曲子？” N说：“妈，你累了。” F说：“要不，放张唱片吧？” N把电唱机端出来，随便捡了一张唱片。我想，也许正巧就是画家Z最喜欢的那一张——天苍苍，野茫茫，落日如盘异地风烟中的那激荡的歌舞，那近看翩翩远闻杳杳的歌舞 三个人啃面包的速度都渐渐放慢，目光都盯在那一点摇动的烛光上。N的眼眶里，两团晶莹的东西一点点涨大。N扔下面包，跑上阳台。 “别，别管她，”N的母亲把F按在椅子上：“到现在，她一直都忍着呢。” 108 再次想起点亮那支蜡烛，是另一个夜晚，是母亲不在家的日子，母亲去西北探望父亲却终于没有见到父亲，是她在回程的列车上泪水不干的那个长夜。酷热的八月，暑假的最后一天。 N不像O或T那样胆小。F不像WR那么胆大。 两间房子没有独自的卫生间。 F来时，里屋门关着。 “喂，我能进来吗？” “哦，不，等一会儿，我洗澡呢。” F心里一乱，但老老实实地坐下来等着。 “你吃过晚饭了吗？” “我就是来给你送晚饭的。” “什么呀？好吃的吗？” “但愿你会认为是好吃的。反正，反正总比煮挂面强吧。我可不想再跟你一起吃那玩意儿了。” “那你就赶快去找一个会做饭的吧，跑这儿来干嘛？” “我，我不是那个意思。我是说……” 里屋传出水声和笑声：“老天爷，你要是能有一点儿幽默感，说不定我现在就想嫁给你了。” F的心嗵嗵地跳，哪儿还去找幽默感呢。现在，现在，现在……F坐在那儿设想着N的现在，现在，此时此刻，N 的美丽动人……但设想不出，或者是不敢相信，觉得生理学和解剖学上那些烂熟的名词和形象不能与她符合，对她甚至是亵读。还谈什么幽默呢。他坐在那儿一声不响，大气也不敢出，生怕N会窥见他庸俗的欲望。 “喂，你走了？” “哦，没。什么事？” 又是水声和笑声：“我还以为你走了，或者死了呢。” 远远的，在很远的地方，一只白色的鸟正朦胧地舒展翅膀。 “喂，我真想去游泳。可惜这附近哪儿都没有个能游泳的地方。” “你知道吗，小时候在澡盆里我就学会游泳了。爸爸把我按在水里，说游吧，把我吓得直哭。” “那时候我们在南方。南方，我跟你说过，到处都能找到可以游泳的小水塘。我还记得我和好多小男孩儿、小女孩儿在小水塘里游泳，一丝不挂可真痛快呀，累了就趴在池塘边晒太阳，热了就又跳到水里去……” 南方，那只白色的鸟儿鼓动翅膀，起飞了，在暮天中，在青年医生的心里和身体里，一下一下扑打起翅膀。 “有一次我和爸爸妈妈到山里去玩，住在爸爸的一个朋友那儿，那个朋友是看林人。晚上我躺在床上，听见满山的树像浪涛一样地响，有时候传来几声鸟儿叫，我问是什么鸟儿叫，妈说是猫头鹰。我有点儿害怕。妈说你怕吗？我不说话，我真是有点儿怕。爸说你怕吗？我说有点儿。爸说，那我们去走走吧，看看'怕'是个什么玩意儿吧。妈说好极了我们去看看那到底是怎么回事，妈说我们去吹吹夜风，去闻闻夜里山是什么味儿，月亮、树、草都是什么味儿。你说他们俩是不是都有点儿精神病？ “我们就走出去，月光很亮，走在那山林里，到处都很静，听得见很多小昆虫在叫，我们一路走一路又笑又喊又唱，绝对的——仨精神病患者。我们使劲喊，亮开嗓子唱，妈说太好了多亏你爸想出这个主意，爸说那你们就喊吧唱吧这儿没有人管你们，妈说太好了真是太好了，人真是难得这样，难得有这样的机会。 “后来我们到了一个小水塘边，妈说我们何必不游它一泳？我说我们没带游泳衣呀？妈说这儿没有别人天黑了这山里没人来，怕什么？爸说好主意绝对是个好主意，我们都快让衣服给勒死了，都快不知道风吹在屁股上是什么滋味儿了。妈说那就让风吹吹我们的屁股吧，让月亮照耀照耀我们的屁股吧。爸说唉，真可惜，我们的女儿可是已经大了。妈说真糟糕你怎么这么快就长大了呢？妈对我说，那只好你一个人到那边去，我跟爸在这边。我说，咦？这就奇怪了，应该我们两个女人在这边，让爸到那边去他是男人呀？爸和妈都给逗笑了，我说笑什么笑，我说的不对吗……喂喂，你听着呢没有？” “噢，听、听着呢……” 又是水声、笑声。水声和笑声中，白色的鸟儿振翅高飞，从南方飞来北方，从南方到北方都是那鸟儿飞翔的声音…… “那……”F说，“那我，先去把吃的东西热一热吧。” F回来的时候，N好像不那么快活了。N穿着一件旧睡袍，坐在桌前呆呆的。F把饭菜放在桌上，要去开灯。 “别，别开灯，”N说。 “天黑了。” “那也别开灯。” 她可能是在回想童年的那个山林之夜，因而想起父亲，想起母亲现在去看他但不知是否见到了他。 N猛地站起，睡袍在幽暗中旋展一周，她找到了过去的那支蜡烛。把蜡烛点亮，放在他们俩中间——他和她面前。烛光摇摇跳跳，她盯着那一点灿烂看。很久，她脸上又活泼起来。 她说：“你不想……不想看看我吗？” 他看着她，一动都不敢动。 她站起来，睡袍拂动，走出烛光之外，走进幽暗。 他垂下眼睛，不敢去惊动她，不敢惊动那脆弱的时间。 那只老座钟“嘀嘀哒哒”地响着，让人想起它从来没有停过。 “抬头看我。” “看看我。” “看我一个人的时候是什么样子。” He looks up.睡袍，沿着一丛新鲜挺秀、蓬勃、柔韧而又坚实的光芒掉落下去，掉落进幽暗。 “不，别过来。” “对，就这样看我。” "that's it." “放心大胆地看看我。” “我想让你，胆大包天地看我。” “我一个人的时候就想让你来这样看着我。” “我想在你面前，就跟我一个人的时候一样。我想不知羞耻地让你看我。” 她慢慢地走来走去，那光芒在幽暗中移动、舒展、曲伸、自在坦荡。那是幽暗中对我们的召唤。我，或者F，或者他人。那是自己对他人的希望，和自己对自己的理想。是个人对世界的渴求，是现在对永远的祈祷。看吧这就是我，一览无余，她是在这样说。看看我，不要害怕，她是在这样说，要放心，要痴迷，不要羞愧。这不是一件羞耻的事，这是粉碎羞耻的时刻。看看，这耸动的胸脯，并不是为了呼吸而是为了激动才被创造的呀，这腰腹不是为了永远躲在衣服里面的，恰恰是为了扫荡那隔膜才一直等待在这儿的，这健康茁壮的双臀难道不应该放她们出来栉风沐雨么？不能让她们在永远的秘密中凋谢，千万不能！不能让她们不见天日，不能让她们不被赞叹，不能让她们不受崇拜，因为她们，不正是凡俗通往圣洁的地点么？她就是这样说的。在喧嚣嘈杂的千万种声音里，可以分辨出她的声音，我，F，或者还有别人，我们可以听见她就是这样说的，这样宣告。所以来吧，此时此地她们不是一触即灭的幻影，她们尊贵但不傲慢，她们超凡但并不脱俗，她们有温度，有弹性，有硌痕，有汗，是血肉，但那血肉此时此地恰是心魂的形态…… F冲过去，双唇压住N的双唇，然后走遍她的每一处神奇和秘密，让她软弱地喘息，让他们俩在喘息中互叫着对方的名字，让两个肉体被心魂烧得烫烫的…… “我一个人的时候，你为什么不来？” “你一个人的时候就总是我和你在此起的时候，记住，以后也是这样。” “我一个人的时候，你就胆大包天地来过我的房间里吗？” “是的，来过，在梦里。” “不，不是在梦里，是真的，我要你爱我，我要你对我有欲望，你就来了，你就也看见了我的欲望。” “是，是的，那是真的，我忽然觉得我好像没有过一个人的时候，我一个人的时候就是我在想你的时候，就是我看见了你的时候。” 老座钟嘀嘀哒哒地响着。他们如是说。他们必如是说： “你看见我，是什么样子？” “就是现在这样子。” “就是现在这么赤裸着？” “就是。 “就是现在这么毫不知羞，毫不躲藏，这么目光毫不躲闪地躺在一个男人怀里吗？” “就是，那个男人就是我。” “就是这么孤独这么软弱这么哭着？” “不，你从来都不哭。” “不，我常常哭，哭得好痛快哭得好难看，你没看见？” “看见了，你哭得好勾人。” “就是现在这样么？” "yes." 他们如是说。老座钟不停地走着。他们必如是说： “就像一个勾人魂魄的妖精吧？” “和一个被勾去了魂魄的家伙。” “一个坏女人把他勾引坏了吗？” “对，勾引坏了，然后她后悔莫及。” “她要是死也不侮呢？” "I hope so." “她要是欲壑难填，那么他呢？” “他万死不辞。” 109 “我是不是一个坏女人？”她在他耳边轻轻说。 “我是不是太不文雅端庄？”她的头靠在他的肩上，轻声说。 他看着车窗外的天空，那只白色的鸟，稳稳地飞着。他知道她并不要他回答，她只是要说，要沉在那自由里。 “我算不算是一个放荡的女人？” “我想我可能就是。没准我妈我爸也是，两个疯子。” “我们，是不是太没有规矩了，啊？你和我，是不是一对淫荡的爱人？”她在他耳边轻声地笑。 火车隆隆的声音使别人听不到她的话，所以她大胆地在他耳边说着。她想，周围那些人肯定想不到她在说什么，想不到这个漂亮文雅的女人竟是这样引差为荣，她觉得这实在是一件很感人的事。 “我淫荡吗？” “不。一般来说，'淫荡'是贬意的。” “那，什么才是淫荡？” He didn't answer. 火车奔驰在旷野上，显得弱小，甩动着一条银灰色的烟缕。他们想不出这个词的含义。我相信，热恋中的人会在这个词面前惑然不解，猜不出它的含义。 未来，F才能对这个词有所理解。在他不得不放弃真诚的爱恋时，在他一言不发，对N的迷茫默不作答时，他理解了这个词。父母要他不再与N来往，不要再与一个右派的女儿来往，不要任性要想想自己的前程，那时他相信世界上真是应该有这么一个词。但是他自己呢？他不得不吗？他不是万死不辞吗？他不是仍然爱着她吗？这样想着的时候，他相信以往人们都把这个词错认了，真诚的一切里面都没有它，背弃真诚的一切理由里面都是它，它不是“不要任性”它可能常常倒是“要想想自己的前程”。有人用前程来开导他的时候，有人用眼泪用心脏病来要挟他的时候，有人整天在观察他在监视他在刺探他，那时他看见并理解了那两个字。在他终于为了两颗衰老的心脏而背离了自己的真心之时，在他终于为了两份残年的满足而使N痛不欲生之时，在他终于屈服在威胁和哀求之下离N而去之时，一头乌发忽如雪染的那个夜晚，他感到那两个字无处不在，周围旋卷缠绕着的风中淫淫荡荡正是那两个字的声色。 F和N坐在火车上。火车的终点是一个素不相识的小镇。F陪N去那儿堕胎。F的一个同学毕业后在那小镇上的医院里当医生，幸亏这个同学帮忙。 F忧心仲仲，他知道那会是怎样令人难堪的局面，医生和护士们的冷眼，窃窃地议论，背后指指点点，甩过来一句软软的但是刻薄的话，用那些冰冷的器具折磨她美丽的身体同时甩给她更为冰冷的讥讽，整个小镇都会因此兴奋因此流传起种种淫秽的想象。 “我不怕，”她在他耳边说，“你放心好吗？我什么都不怕。” 自从发现怀孕以来她一直是这样说。她甚至说她不怕要下这个孩子。她甚至说她不怕挺着大肚皮在人前走，那是生命，是爱，是真诚的结果，不是淫荡。她甚至说，为什么不在我们的结婚典礼上，让他或者她，也伸出小手接受一枚小小的戒指？为什么不让这个孩子，来证明我们的自由真诚呢？为什么不让他或者她，亲眼看见自己庄严的由来？ 当然不可能。这世界不允许。 她说过：“只有这一点，我觉得遗憾。” 她曾说：“他，或者她，是在最美丽的时刻被创造的呀！” 她说：“因此，他们与众不同！” 她曾在日记中写道：“如果得请你们先回去，请你们先等一等，请你们别急晚一些再来，那，肯定是我们还太软弱，但我们保证：我们还要在那样的美丽时刻创造你们。你们有权利那样希望，希望自己不是来自平庸。” 车窗外有了灿烂的金黄色，有了一阵强似一阵的葵花的香风，那个小镇就要到了。 110 时隔二十多年，F医生在那片灰暗芜杂的楼区里徘徊了很久，朝那个牵心动魄的窗口张望多时，不见N的踪影也没有她的消息。这时，那个老人走过来。 “您，怕不是要找N吧？要找那母女俩，是吧？” "yes." 看来还是当年那个老人，并不是那老人的儿子。 “她们搬走好几年啦。” “搬到哪儿去了？” “N的父亲回来了，平了反，落实了政策，他们搬走了。” “搬到哪儿去了，您知道吗？” “她父亲原来是个有名的作家，现在还是。是什么还是什么。” “您不知道他们搬到哪儿去了吗？” “您可是大变了模样儿了。除非是我，谁还能认得出您来？” “没人知道他们搬到哪儿去了吗？” “没有。我要是也不知道，这儿就没人能知道了。这么多年了，您可还好吗？” “哦，这些年您也还好？您有七十了吧？” “八十都多啦。好好，好哇。怎么还不都是活着？可活又说回来了，末了儿怎么还不是都得死？谢谢您啦，还惦记着我。” F离开那片芜杂的楼区，没有回家，直接走进那个夏天的潮流里去了。他从老人那儿明白了一件事：凭这头白发，很少还有故人能认出他来了。他可以放心大胆地到N 身边去了，去提醒她，保护她。那道符咒顷刻冰释，男人的骨头回到了F身上。他想：现在，他应该在N 的身边。他想：她不会认出他来了，这真好，“纵使相逢应不识”，这着实不坏。这样，他就不至于受那种客套、微笑、量好的距离、和划定的界线的折磨了。他一路走一路想：他要在她身边，在危险的时候守在她身边，在她需要他的时候不再离开她，这是他唯一可做的事了。 111 因而未来——数月后或数年后，不管女导演N在哪儿（在国内还是在国外），如果她拍摄的那几本胶片没有丢失，已经洗印出来，她对着阳光看那些胶片时她必会发现，在那两个青年演员左右常常出现一头白发，那头白发白得那么彻底那么纯粹在炽烈的阳光下熠熠生辉。如果N对那头白发发生了兴趣，赞叹这个老人的激情与执着，想看清他的模样，那么她必会发现，这个人总是微微地低着头，那样子仿佛祈祷仿佛冥思仿佛困惑不解。如果N 放映这几本胶片，她就必会发现，这个一头白发的男人似曾相识，他的一举一动都非常熟悉，他低头冥思不解的样子好像是在演算一道难题，那神情仿佛见过，肯定是在哪儿见过。但无论如何，无论哪一种情况，不管N是在哪儿看那些胶片，都一样——那时F医生已不在人世。如果有人认出了他，如果时隔二十几年N 终于认出了他，大家记起了二十几年前那个乌发迅速变白的年轻朋友，那么，F将恢复男人的名誉，将恢复一个恋人的清白，将为一些人记住。否则人们会以为他那平静的水面下也只有麻木，从而无人注意他那一条死水何时干涸，年长日久，在被白昼晒裂的土地上，没人再能找到哪儿曾经是F医生的河床。