Chapter 7 Part 3 Chapters 15, 16 and 17

His ten pounds and twenty pounds, his fifty pounds and one hundred pounds, and other amounts are limited to multiples of ten. It was not until six days later that I had the opportunity to enter my father's room again to check the shirt box in the wardrobe. The first day was Wednesday. Joseph Fleming took off his trousers and defecated on the floor of the locker room. He wanted to grab the poo and eat it, but Mr. Dai stopped him. Joseph ate everything, once he ate a small piece of blue antiseptic hanging in the toilet, another time he ate a fifty pound note in his mother's wallet, he ate string , rubber bands, toilet paper, homework paper, paint and plastic forks.He also likes to tap his jaw and often screams loudly.

Tyrone said there was a horse and a pig in the poo, I said he was bullshit, but Sharon said he didn't.It turned out that they were the little plastic animals in the library that the school staff used to tell stories, and Joseph ate them. I said I wasn't going to the bathroom because there was poop on the floor.Although Mr. An came in and cleaned it up, I felt sick just thinking about it, so I peed on my pants, and I took out the extra pants from the closet in Mrs. Ge's room and changed them on.Sharon said I could use the faculty bathroom, but only for two days, after which I had to go back to use the student toilet.We strike a deal.

The second, third and fourth days, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, were lackluster. The fifth day was Sunday, and it was raining heavily outside.I like heavy rain, it feels like white noise fills the sky and earth, and it feels like there is no emptiness in the silence. I went upstairs and sat in my room and watched the downpour of rain fall on the street so hard it looked like white sparks (this is a simile, not a metaphor).There was no one around, and everyone hid in the house.It reminds me that the water on earth is actually closely related. The rainwater may be the evaporation of seawater in the Gulf of Mexico or Baffin Bay, and now it falls in front of the house, and then flows into the sewer, and then flows to the sewage station for purification. It is then discharged into rivers and finally into the sea again.

On Monday night, my father received an emergency call that the basement of a woman's home was flooded and he had to go immediately to fix it. If there's only one emergency call, it's usually Roddy who fixes it, because his wife and children live in Somerset and he has nothing to do every night but play pool, drink, watch TV, and he needs extra money. Some overtime pay is given to the wife to take care of the children.My father usually needs to take care of me, but two emergency calls came this evening, so my father told me to stay at home obediently, and call him on his mobile phone in case of anything, and then he drove out.

So I went into his room, opened the closet, took down the toolbox, opened the shirt box. I counted the letters, there were forty-three in total, all addressed to me in the same handwriting. I took out one and opened it. The letter reads: 3rd May, Block C, 451 Chater Road, 5NG, 2nd North West London 0208 887 8907 Dear Christopher: We finally got a new refrigerator and gas stove!Roger and I drove to the dump last weekend and dumped the old ones, where everyone sends their old stuff to throw away.There are also three different colored giant bins for recycling bottles, cans, paper, engine oil, garden waste, household waste, and bulky waste (that's where our old fridge and gas stove go).

Then we went to the thrift store, bought a new gas stove and a new refrigerator, and now the house feels more like a home. Last night I was looking at some old pictures and I was sad, and then I found a picture of you playing with a toy train set we bought you two years ago, and I felt better because we were all very happy when that picture was taken. hapiness. Do you remember that toy train set you spent all day playing with and wouldn't even go to bed at night?Do you remember how we taught you how to read the train timetable, and you ended up making a train timetable yourself, took an alarm clock, and told the train to start on time.You also have a small wooden railway station, and we also tell you how passengers who want to take the train go to the station to buy tickets and get on the train?Later we took out a map and taught you which routes lead to which stations.You've been playing for weeks, and then we bought you more train parts sets, and you know how they work like the back of your hand.

I love reminiscing about these past events. I have to stop writing, it's 3:30 in the afternoon.I know you always like to know the exact time.I must go out and get some ham and come back and make some sandwiches for Roger with his tea.I'll post this letter on the way to the store. Love you mom ××××× I opened another letter and it read like this: No. 312 Lausanne Road, 5BV, North Eighth District, London 0208 756 4321 Dear Christopher: I said that when the time came I would explain to you why I left you.Now I'm free, so I'm sitting on the couch with the radio on and writing this letter to you, and I hope I can make my words clear.

Christopher, I have never been a good mother.Maybe in another situation, with a different you, my mother would do better.It's a pity that things turned out like this. I am not like your father. Your father is more patient than me, even if he is submissive, he will not show it.I am not this personality, and I can't change it. Do you remember the time we went into town together to go shopping?We went into Bentalls and it was crowded, but the time we had to buy grandma a Christmas present?You freaked out because there were so many people in the store, it was the Christmas shopping season, everyone went to town, and I was talking to Mr. Lan from the kitchen department, and you squatted on the ground, covered your ears with your hands, There are crowds all around.I'm so mad because I don't like shopping at Christmas either, I told you to be good and obey, I tried to get you up and walk, but you kept screaming and knocking over everything on the next display shelf , everyone turned their heads to see what happened.Although Mr. Lan is very kind, there are overturned boxes and broken dishes and pieces all over the floor, and everyone is staring at you.I found you wet your pants, I was so mad, I wanted to take you out, but you wouldn't let me touch you, you just lay on the floor screaming, pounding the floor with your hands and feet, even the manager came over and asked about it What's up.I was so helpless that I ended up paying for two broken mixers and waiting until you stopped screaming.Then we walked all the way home, for hours, because I knew you wouldn't take the bus home anyway.

I remember crying and crying and crying and crying that night, your father was very considerate, he not only offered to make dinner for you, but also sent you to bed, he said it’s not a big deal, just let it go.But I shouted that I couldn't take it anymore, and then even he got mad, called me stupid, and told me to cheer up.I hit him in a fit of anger, which was wrong behavior of course, but I was so upset at the time. Arguments like this happen a lot because I always feel like I can't take it any longer.Your father is a very patient man, but I am not, I am easily angered, although I don't mean to.In the end, we stopped talking to each other because we knew that if we spoke, we would end up in an argument and it wouldn't help.I feel so lonely.

That's how I started hooking up with Roger.On the surface we seem to get together with Roger and Eileen often, but in private, I have more and more opportunities to meet Roger alone, because I can confide in him, he is the only person I can confide in, and I no longer feel lonely . I know you may not be able to understand this kind of thing, but I hope I can explain it clearly so that you can understand.Even if you don't understand it now, I hope you can keep this letter, and maybe one day you will understand it when you read it again. Roger told me that he and Eileen had long since fallen out of love, that they hadn't done that together for a long time, in other words, he was lonely too, and we had many similarities.We found out later that we were both in love with each other, and he suggested that I leave your father so we could move to another house and live together.But when I said I couldn't leave you, he was sad, but he understood how important you are to me.

Soon, you and I had another quarrel.Do you remember?Just one night for your dinner?I cooked something for you and you refused to eat it.You won't eat anything for days, you lose weight, and you start screaming again.I got so pissed off I picked up the food and threw it, I knew I shouldn't have done that, but then you grabbed the cutting board and threw it at me and it hit my foot and broke my toe and of course we had to go Emergency room in the hospital, and put on a plaster cast.When we got home, your father had another big fight with me, accusing me of being mad at you, saying I should let you eat whatever you like, even if it's just a plate of lettuce or a strawberry smoothie.I said I just want you to eat some healthy food, he said you are such a person, and I also said that I am such a person, and then my temper came again.He said that if he could hold back his temper, I should be able to hold mine too.We kept arguing like that that night. I couldn't walk properly for a whole month, do you remember, and it fell to your father to take care of you.I remember watching you father and son together and seeing that you and him were very different, much calmer.You don't argue loudly with each other and it breaks my heart because it makes me feel like you don't need me at all.This is more serious than our constant fight, because it makes me feel that I am not in your eyes. I think it was during this time that I realized that it might be better for you and your father if I didn't live with you.He just needs to take care of you alone. Soon Roger said that he had asked the bank to transfer him, and he asked to be transferred to work in London, and he was leaving soon.He asked me if I wanted to go with him.I thought about it for a long time, Christopher, really, I thought about it for a long time, and it broke my heart, but in the end I decided that it would be better for us all if I left.So I promised him. I was going to say goodbye in person, I wanted to wait until you came home from school to get some clothes and then explain to you the decision I had made and tell you that I would come back to see you whenever I could and that you could come to London sometime to join us live together.But when I hung up on your father, he said I couldn't come back.He was very angry and said I can't talk to you.I don't know what to do.He said I was too selfish, I could never set foot in this house again.So I haven't come back to see you, but I've been writing to you. I don't know if you understand what I mean by writing this letter. I know it's hard for you, but I hope you can understand a little bit. Christopher, I never meant to hurt you, I thought it was best for us all if I did it, I hope so, and I want you to know it's not your fault. I often dream that everything is smoother and better.remember?You often say you want to be an astronaut, I often dream that you are an astronaut, you appear on TV, and I think that is my son.I don’t know what your ambition is now, has it changed?Are you still struggling with math problems?I hope so. Christopher, please write to me once in a while, or call me, the number is on the letterhead. Love you kiss your mother ×××××× I then opened the third letter, which read: September 18th, No. 312 Lausanne Road, London North Eighth District 0208 756 4321 Dear Christopher: I said I would write to you every week, and I didn't break my word.In fact, this is the second letter of the week, so I do more than I say. I found a job!I'm going to work in Congdon, it's called "Pugin and Rasheed" and it's a chartered appraiser that specializes in appraising house prices and things that need repairs and the cost of repairs.They also help calculate the cost of building new homes and offices and factories. The office is beautiful and another secretary named Angie has lots of little teddy bears and soft toys and pictures of her kids on her desk (so I framed yours on my desk as well).She is very nice and we often go out to lunch together. I don't know how long I'm going to be here though, we have to send bills to customers, so I'm crunching lots and lots of numbers, which isn't my job. (If you, you will do better than me!) The company is run by Mr. Putin in partnership with Mr. Rashid. Mr. Rashid is a Pakistani. He is very strict and always asks us to do things faster.Mr. Pugin is very strange (Anji called him blame Pugin), every time he came to ask me something, he always put his hands on my shoulders, his cheeks were pressed down, almost touching my face, I can smell his toothpaste and I can't help but get goosebumps.The treatment here is also not good, so I will change jobs as soon as I get the chance. I went to Alexandria Park the day before yesterday. It is near the corner of our apartment. It is a big mountain with a large conference center on the top of the mountain.I think of you there, if you come, we can go fly a kite together, or watch the planes fly into Heathrow Airport, I know you will love it. I have to stop, Christopher, I'm writing this during lunch (Angie is off with a cold, so we don't have lunch today), please write me when you are free and let me know how you are , and your situation at school. I hope you got the gift I sent you, have you unwrapped it yet?Roger and I found it at a shop in Camden Market, I know you've always liked puzzle games.Roger tried to separate the two before we packed it, but it didn't work.He said if you can do it, you're a genius. Love your mother very much ×××××× The fourth letter reads: August 23rd, No. 312 Lausanne Road, London's North Eighth District Dear Christopher: Sorry for not writing to you last week, I went to the dentist and had two decayed teeth extracted.You probably don't remember when we took you to the dentist, you wouldn't let anyone's hand near your mouth, we had to give you anesthesia to put you to sleep, so the dentist could extract your teeth.But this time they didn't let me sleep, they just gave me a local anesthesia so that the whole mouth was numb.This is the right thing to do, because they have to cut the bone to remove the root, and after anesthesia, it doesn't hurt at all.I'm actually still laughing, because the dentist is pulling and pulling, and pulling and pulling, and it's funny to me.But when I got home, the anesthesia woke up and the pain started. I lay on the sofa for two days in pain and swallowed a lot of painkillers... I dare not watch any more because I feel sick and want to throw up. My mother didn't have a heart attack, my mother didn't die, my mother was still alive, my father lied to me. I tried to think of other reasons, but I couldn't think of one.Then I couldn't think anymore because my brain couldn't function normally. I feel dizzy, as if the whole room is shaking from side to side, as if I'm standing on top of a tall building that's swaying back and forth in a strong wind (also a simile), but I know the room can't be swaying back and forth, so it must It's my head that's wrong. I collapsed on the bed, curled up into a ball. My stomach is cramping. I don't know what happened after that because my memory was disconnected, as if a videotape had been erased.But I know it must have been a long time, because when I opened my eyes again, it was already dark outside the window.I also vomited and my vomit was all over the bed, on my palms, arms and face. Before that, I had heard my father coming into the house calling me, so I knew it had been a while. Strange to say, my father shouted: "Christopher...? Christopher...?" He shouted, and I saw my name appear in words in front of my eyes.Usually I see it in print on my computer, especially if it's in another room, but instead of the computer screen this time, I see it in big letters, like an ad on the outside of a bus, and It's my mother's handwriting, like this: Then I heard my father come upstairs and into the room. He said, "Christopher, what are you doing?" I knew he was in the room, but his voice sounded weak and distant, the same sound I heard when I groaned and didn't want people near me. He said, "What are you doing...? That's my cardboard box, Christopher, that's... oh shit, shit, shit, shit." Then he was silent for a while. Then he lifted me up by the shoulders and said, "Oh, Christopher." But this time, unlike usual, when he touched my body, it didn't hurt at all.I watched him touch me, just like watching what happened in the room in a movie, I didn't feel his hands on me at all, I just felt like a gust of wind blowing over me. He was silent again for a while. Then he said, "I'm sorry, Christopher, I'm really sorry." That's when I noticed I was throwing up because I felt all wet and smelled like someone at school who vomited. He said, "You read the letters." I could tell he was crying because his voice was muffled and nasal, like a stuffed nose with a cold. He said, "I'm doing it for you, Christopher, really, I'm doing it for you. I never meant to lie to you, I just thought... I just thought that if you didn't know the truth, it would Better, I...I...I didn't mean to...I'm going to show it to you when you're a little older." There was another silence. Then he said: "It was an accident." silence. He added: "I don't know what to say...my mind is in a mess...she left a note...then she called again...I said she was in the hospital because...because I I don't know how to explain it, the situation is too complicated, it's hard to tell, I...I said she was in the hospital, I know it's not true, but I've already said it...I take...can't take it back, do you understand... ...Christopher...? Christopher...? Everything is beyond my control, I hope..." Then there was a long silence. He touched my shoulder again and said, "Christopher, let me clean you up, okay?" He shook my shoulder lightly, but I couldn't move. He said, "Christopher, I'm going to the bathroom to fill your bath water now, and then I'll take you to the shower, okay? I'll put the sheets in the washing machine later." I heard him get up and go into the bathroom and turn on the water.He came back after a while, touched my shoulder again, and said to me: "Let's be gentle, Christopher, we will make you sit up first, then take off your clothes, and let you take a bath in the bathtub." , okay? I'm going to touch you, but it's okay." After speaking, he helped me sit on the edge of the bed, took off my jumpsuit and shirt and put them on the bed, then he helped me stand up and walked to the bathroom.I didn't scream, I didn't fight back, I didn't hit him. 157 When I first went to school as a child, my advisor was Julie. Before Sharon came to school, she came to work when I was twelve. One day, Julie sat down on the table next to me, put a smart bean on the table, and said, "Christopher, what do you think this is?" I said, "Smart Beans." Then she opened the Smarties box, stood upside down, and a small red pencil fell out.She laughed, and I said, "It's not Smarties, it's a pencil." Then she put the pencil back and put the lid back on. She said: "If your mommy walked in now, and we asked her what this smart bean contained, what do you think she would say?" At that time, I was called mommy, not mother. I said, "Pencil." That's because I was young at the time and didn't understand other people's psychology.Julie said to her mother and father, it may be difficult for me to understand this kind of thing in my life, but I don't think it is difficult now, because I regard it as a mystery, since it is a mystery, there will naturally be a solution method. Just like a computer.The average person thinks that computers are different from people because they have no mind.Nevertheless, we know from a method called the "Turing test" that computers can also converse with humans, gossiping about the weather, wine and the scenery of Italy, and they can even tell jokes. And the mind is actually a complex machine. When we look at something, we think we are looking through our eyes, as if there is someone in our head looking through a small window.actually not.What we see is a picture in our brain, like a computer screen. This is what I learned from an experiment done on a TV show called "The Workings of the Mind."In this experiment, you put your head between a splint and fix your eyes on a page of text on the screen. At first it is no different from a normal page of text, but after a while, when your eyeballs move around the page of text quickly After a few turns, something strange happens, because when you try to read the page again, it becomes different. This is because when your eyes move quickly from one point to another, you can't see anything at all. At this time, you are blind. This kind of rapid eye movement is called "saccade".You experience dizziness when your eyes move rapidly from one point to another and you see things at the same time.In this experiment there is a sensor that detects when your eyeball moves rapidly from one point to another, and as you do so, the parts of the text that your eyes are not looking at begin to change. But you won't find out that you're blind when you roll your eyes quickly because you have a picture in your head that makes you think you're looking through two small windows above your head, and you won't notice certain parts of it. Words change because your mind is filled with images you didn't see at that moment. At the same time, people are different from animals, because people can have pictures in their minds that they can't see.They can see a picture of someone in another room, or of what will happen tomorrow, or of them becoming an astronaut someday, or of a chain of reasoning they are trying to solve a mystery. This is why a dog, after undergoing major surgery with steel studs in its legs, sees a cat but immediately forgets that it has steel studs in its legs and tries desperately to catch up.But when a person undergoes surgery, there will be a picture of pain in his mind, which will not disappear for several months.His brain will also produce images of many stitches on the leg, broken bones, and nails on the bones. Even when he sees a bus to take, he will not run quickly, because there are bones in his brain that are broken again, surgery, etc. Images of stitches popping, even more painful than they are now. This is why people think computers don't have minds, and why they think their brains are more special and superior than computers.Because people can see the picture in their head, they think there is someone sitting there looking at the screen in their head, like Captain Picard in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" sitting in the captain's seat watching Same as the big screen.They think that this person is their distinctive human mind, which they call a "dwarf", which they think the computer lacks. However, this little man is just another picture in their minds. When this little man appears in the picture in their minds (because he is thinking about this little man), there is still a part of their brains looking at this picture. When the person thinks of this part of the brain (that is, seeing the picture of the dwarf looking at the screen), this part of his brain will appear on the picture, and at this time another part of his brain will look at the picture.But the brain can't see this because it's like eyeballs moving quickly from one point to another, and people's brains are also blind when they go from one thing to another. Therefore, the human brain is actually the same as a computer.It's not that they're special, it's that they have to remain off for a short while between screens.At the same time, people think it is special because they can't see it clearly.That's because people always think something special about what they can't see, like the dark side of the moon, or the other side of a black hole, or being afraid of waking up from sleep in the dark. At the same time, people think that they are different from computers because they are sentient and computers are not.But perception is just a picture your mind has of something that is going to happen tomorrow or next year, or is likely to happen but not actually happened. If it is a happy picture, people jump for joy, and if it is a sad picture, people feel happy cry. After my father took a shower for me, removed the dirt for me, and dried me with a towel, he took me back to my room and helped me put on clean clothes. Then he said, "Have you had anything to eat tonight?" I was silent. He said, "May I get you something to eat, Christopher?" I am still silent. He added: "Well, I'm going to put your clothes and sheets in the washing machine and then I'll come back, okay?" I sat on the bed and stared at my knees. Dad came out of the room, picked up my clothes from the bathroom floor and put them on the landing, went to get his sheets and put them on the landing, along with my jumpsuit and shirt, and he picked them up and took them to downstairs.I heard the sound of him activating the washing machine, and the sound of the boiler igniting and the hot water flowing from the pipes into the washing machine. For a long time I only heard these voices. I do powers of two in my head to calm me down.I have been mentally calculating to the twenty-fifth power of two, and the number is 33,554,432.That's not much, and I've done calculations to the forty-fifth power of two before, but my brain isn't very sharp today. The father went back into the room and said, "How are you feeling? Shall I get you something to eat?" I said nothing, still staring at my knees. My father didn't say anything. He sat down beside me, his elbows on his knees, and he looked down at the rug between his legs. There was a small red Lego cube with eight protruding knobs on it. . That's when I heard Toby wake up, he's a nocturnal animal, and I heard him wriggling in his cage. Father remained silent. After a long time he said, "Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but... I hope you know that you can trust me... Yes, maybe I'm not telling the whole truth. God knows, I tried, Christopher, I tried But... life is not easy, you know, it's hard to tell the truth in every word, sometimes it's impossible. I hope you know I've tried, really. Maybe it's not the best time to say things like that Timing, I also know that you will be unhappy, but... I want you to know that from now on, I will never hide a word from you, about anything. Because... If you don't tell the truth now, in the future... the future will hurt even more Big, so..." Father wiped his face with both hands, his fingers grabbed his chin and pulled it down, staring blankly at the wall.I peeked at him out of the corner of my eye. He said, "I killed Wellington, Christopher." I suspect it's a joke, I don't understand jokes, people don't mean jokes when they tell them. But the father continued, "Christopher, let me... let me finish first." He took a deep breath and continued, "After your mother ran away...Eileen...Mrs. Be nice to us, be nice to me. She helped me through a really rough time and I don't think I would have made it through without her. You know, she's been here for a while, cooking us Meals, cleaning, checking in on us every now and then, asking if we needed anything... I thought... well... damn, Christopher, I'm trying to keep it as simple as possible. I thought... maybe I So stupid...I thought she might...eventually...move in, or we'd move in with her. We...we got on, really. I thought we were friends, I guess I was wrong Yeah, I think...after all...it's going to be...damn...we had a fight, Christopher, she said something, I don't want you to know, because it's not good, it's hurtful But, I think she loved that dog more than me, loved us. Now that I think about it, maybe it was true, maybe we were really troublesome people, and maybe I was alone with a stupid dog. Dogs, better than living with other live humans. I mean, damn it, we're not really badly maintained, are we? ... Anyway, we got into a fight about it. Several times, in fact But when it broke out, she kicked me out. You know what happens to that goddamn dog after surgery? He's freaking out, rolling meekly on the floor one second and letting you scratch his stomach the next The second bites you hard on the leg. All in all, he was resting in the garden while we yelled at each other. When she slammed the door behind me, the smelly dog ​​​​was waiting for me ...I know, I know, maybe a kick will do the trick, but, damn it, Christopher, when you get red-eyed... God, you know what it is. I'm Said, we are all the same, you and me, at that time, all I could think of was that she loved that dog more than you or me, and the resentment accumulated over the past two years seemed to burst out at that moment..." Father was silent for a while. Then he said, "I'm sorry, Christopher, and I assure you that I never intended it to get to this point." That's when I realized it wasn't a joke.I started to panic. Father said, "We all make mistakes, Christopher, you, me, your mother, everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes even terribly wrong. We're all just human." He held up his right hand, Five fingers spread out into a fan shape. But I screamed and pushed him over and he fell off the bed. He sat up and said, "Well, Christopher, I'm sorry, that's it for tonight, okay? I'll go downstairs, you sleep, we'll talk tomorrow morning." The past, really, trust me." He stood up, took a deep breath, and walked out of the room. I sat on the bed for a long time without moving, staring at the floor.Then I heard Toby commotion in his cage, and I looked up and saw him looking at me from across the cage. I must leave this house.Father killed Wellington, which means he might kill me too, because I don't trust him anymore, even though he said "Trust me".Also because he lied to hide such a big thing. But I can't walk out like that, he'll see, so I have to wait until he's asleep. It was eleven sixteen in the evening. I tried to calculate the power of two in my head again, but I could only get to the fifteenth power of two, and the number was thirty-two thousand seven hundred and sixty-eight.So I stopped thinking, and passed the time by moaning, hoping that time would pass quickly. It was finally 1:20 in the morning, but I never heard the sound of my father going upstairs to sleep. I don't know if he fell asleep downstairs, or he was waiting to come in and kill me.So I took out my Swiss army knife, pulled the saw blade aside for defense, and then I quietly left the bedroom, listening to him carefully.There was no sound at all.I slowed down and crept downstairs.Downstairs, I caught a glimpse of my father's foot through the living room door, and I waited four minutes to see if he moved.No.So I continued to walk to the corridor, and then peeked into the living room. Father lay on the couch with his eyes closed. I have been watching him for a long time. He snored suddenly, I was startled, I heard the sound of blood flowing in my ear canal, my heart was beating rapidly, and there was a pain in my chest, as if someone had popped a balloon in my chest. I wonder if I may have a heart attack. Father's eyes were still closed, wondering if he was pretending to be asleep.I held the knife tightly in my hand and deliberately knocked on the door frame. Father's head tilted from side to side, his feet twitched, and he made a "uh-" sound, but his eyes remained closed.After a while, he started snoring again. He fell asleep. This means that if I can keep quiet all the time, I can get out of the house.So I didn't wake him up. I unhook my coat and scarf from the hook by the front door and put it on, as it will be cold outside at night.Then I went upstairs quietly again, but it was difficult because my feet were shaking.I went into the room and picked up Toby's cage, which scratched and rattled uneasily, so I took off a coat to cover the cage, turned the volume down, and carried him downstairs again. Father was still fast asleep. I went into the kitchen, took out my special lunch box, unlocked the back door, and walked out of the house.I still gripped the handle as I closed it so that it wouldn't rattle, and went out into the garden. 花园边上有一间小屋，里面放着割草机和修剪枝条的大剪子，还有许多母亲平日使用的园艺工具，例如花盆、堆肥、竹竿、绳子、铲子之类的东西。小屋内比较温暖，但我知道父亲会进去里面找我，所以我绕到小屋后面，挤进小屋与围墙之间的缝隙，躲在搜集雨水的黑色大塑料桶后面。我坐下来后才有了一点安全感。 我决定用我的另一件外套覆盖托比的笼子，因为我不希望它冻死。 我打开我的专用餐盒，里面是那条牛奶巧克力棒和两条水果糖、三盒鲜橘汁、一包粉红色的华富饼干，还有我的红色食用色素。我并不饿，但我知道我应该吃点东西，因为如果不吃东西，身体会觉得冷，所以我吃了两盒鲜橘汁和牛奶巧克力棒。 然后我思考我的下一步。 167隔壁邻居在围墙边种了一棵树，枝枝高悬在围墙上方，我从小屋屋顶与枝枝之间的间隙望向天空，看见猎户星座。 但这是无稽之谈，它不过是一群恒星而已，你可以随自己的意思连接每一个点，你可以把它连成一个撑伞的少女，手上拿着一把意大利式的咖啡壶（像席太太那样），咖啡壶有握把，壶嘴还冒出蒸汽来。当然你也可以把它连成一只恐龙。 此外，太空中没有任何线条，你甚至可以把猎户星座和天兔座，或金牛座、或双子座串连起来，为它们命名为“葡萄星座”，或“耶稣星座”，或“自行车星座”。（不过当年罗马人与希腊人为猎户星座命名时，自行车还没发明。） 何况，猎户星座原本就不是猎人或咖啡壶，也不是恐龙。它只不过是参宿四、参宿五和参宿二，以及参宿七和另外十七个我叫不出名的恒星的总和，而且它们是数十亿哩以外外层空间发生的核子爆炸的结果。 这才是事实真相。 我一直保持清醒到凌晨三点四十七分。那是我睡着以前最后一次看表的时间。我的手表表面有夜光显示功能，按下按钮表面就会发亮，我可以在黑暗中看清时间。我虽然又冷又怕父亲发现，但藏匿在花园里还是比较有安全感。 我不时望着天空。我喜欢入夜后在花园看星星。夏日期间，我有时会在夜间带着手电筒与星座图走出屋外。这个星座图是由两片圆形的塑料片组成，中间以针相连。底下的部分是天体图，顶端有个呈抛物线的缺口，你可以转动塑料片找到你要观察的年月日当天北纬五十一点五度的方位，那是史云登的纬度。绝大部分的天空永远在地球的另一边。 当你注视着天空时，你会发现你所看到的星星和你之间都有数十万光年的距离，有些星球甚至已经不存在了，只因为它们的光需要很长的时间才能到达地球，其实它们早已死了，或者已经爆炸分裂成红色的矮星。了解这些真相会使人自觉非常渺小，当你生活中遭遇到挫败的时候，你便能体会它们正是所谓的“微不足道”，意思是小事一桩，不足挂齿。 由于天气寒冷，地面凹凸不平，托比又不安的在它笼子里骚动，我睡得很不安稳。但我醒来时天已微明，天空布满蓝、橘、紫的光彩，小鸟在枝头高唱“黎明合唱曲”。我又等待了两个钟头又三十二分，这才听到父亲来到花园里高声喊：“克里斯多弗……？克里斯多弗……？” 我转头看到一个沾着泥土的旧塑料袋，是以前用来装肥料的。于是我带着托比的笼子和我的食盒，奋力挤进小屋的墙角与围篱和搜集雨水的塑料桶之间，再用肥料袋把自己遮盖起来。这时我听到父亲往花园这一头走过来。我从口袋掏出我的瑞士行军刀，拔出锯刀拿在手上，以防万一他发现我们。我听到他打开小屋的门往内看，听到他说：“要命。”然后我听到他的脚步声绕到小屋另一边栽种植物的地方，我的心跳得飞快，那种胸腔内仿佛有个气球在膨胀的感觉又出现了。我以为他会搜寻小屋的背面，但我看不见，我躲起来了，不过他没发现我，因为我听到他又往花园另一头走过去。 我继续保持不动，看看手表，我保持了二十七分钟不动的姿势，之后我听到父亲发动货车引擎的声音，我知道那是他的货车，我听惯了它的声音，而且声音很近，我知道那不是邻居的汽车，因为吸毒那一家人开的是福斯露营车，住在四十号的汤先生开的是沃克斯豪尔的Cavalier轿车，住在三十四号的邻居开的是标致汽车，它们的声音都不相同。 听到他的车开走，我知道我安全了，可以出来了。 接下来我必须决定下一步，我不能再和父亲住在一起了，那样会很危险。 于是我做了决定。 我决定去敲席太太的门，我要和她住在一起，因为我认识她，她不是陌生人，而且我以前去过她家，那次我们街上这一排住家都在停电。相信这次她不会叫我走开了，我可以告诉她谁杀了威灵顿，这样她就会明白我是她的朋友，同时她也会明白为什么我不能再和父亲同住的原因。 我从食盒取出长条水果糖和粉红华富饼干，和最后一盒鲜橘汁放在口袋里，把食盒藏在肥料袋底下，然后我拿起托比的笼子和我的另一件外套，从小屋后面爬出来。我穿过花园，经过屋子侧面，拉开花园小门的门闩走出去。 街上一个人影也没有，我穿过马路到对面席太太家，敲过门后等了一会，一面在内心琢磨待会儿她开门时我要说的话。 但她没有来开门。我继续敲。 我转身，看见有人从街上走过来，我很害怕，因为我认出那两个人正是住在我家隔壁的吸毒的邻居，于是我抓起托比的笼子，绕到席太太家后面，在垃圾桶边坐下来，这样他们便看不到我了。 我必须再想下一步要怎么办。 我把所有我能做的事都想过一遍，再来推断它们是否正确。 我断定我不能回家了。 我又断定我不能去和雪伦住在一起，因为学校放假以后她不能照顾我，她只是个老师，不是朋友，也不是我的家人。 我也断定我不能和泰利叔叔住在一起，因为他住在桑德兰，我不知道要如何去桑德兰。何况我也不喜欢泰利叔叔，因为他喜欢抽烟，又喜欢摸我的头发。 我更断定我不能和亚太太住在一起，虽然她养了狗，但她既不是我的朋友，也不是我的家人。而且我不能在她家过夜或使用她的厕所，因为她用过了，而且她是个陌生人。 然后我想到我可以去和母亲住在一起，因为她是我的家人，而且我知道她住在哪里，我记得她的地址是伦敦西北二区5NG查特路四百五十一号C座，惟一的问题是她住在伦敦，而我从未去过伦敦。我只去过多佛，从多佛转往法国。我还去过桑德兰拜访泰利叔叔，也去过曼彻斯特探视得癌症的露丝阿姨，不过我去拜访她时，她还没有得癌症。我也从未独自去过路口小店以外的任何地方，现在想到就要一个人去很远的地方，委实令人胆战心惊。 我又想到回家，或留在原地，或每天晚上躲在花园里一直到被父亲发现。这些念头令我更加恐惧，昨夜那种难过的感觉又再度袭上心头。 我明白无论我怎么做都不会有安全感。我在脑子里画出这样一个图表： 接着我想象逐一划掉所有的可能性，就像作数学测验题一样，逐一审查所有问题，然后决定要选哪些答案、不选哪些答案，把不选的答案划掉后，剩下的就是最后的答案，这时你就不能再做任何改变了。所以我现在的决定是这样： 换言之，我必须去伦敦和母亲同住。我可以坐火车去伦敦，因为我已经从玩具火车组学会一切有关火车的常识，如何看火车时刻表，如何在火车站买票，如何察看发车时间看列车准不准点，以及如何找到正确的月台上车等等。我要从史云登站上车，那里也是福尔摩斯与华生医生在《波士康比溪谷秘案》一书中，从派丁顿前往罗斯途中停下来用餐的车站。 这时从我坐着的地方越过小巷，我看见席太太屋子旁边有个圆形的老式锅盖倚墙立着，上面覆满铁锈，看上去很像星球的表面，铁锈的形状仿佛一个个国家和大陆、岛屿的地图。 我想到我这辈子大约是不可能成为航天员了，因为要当航天员就必须离家去那数十万哩以外的太空，现在我的家在大约一百哩外的伦敦，比起太空自然是缩短一千多倍以上。想到这里不禁令我伤心欲绝。以前我曾经有一次在操场边的草地上跌倒，被不知是谁打破一支瓶子留下的玻璃碎片划破膝盖。戴太太用消毒水替我消毒并清除沙子，伤口非常疼痛，我忍不住大声哭叫。但此刻的伤在我的脑子里，想到我永远不能成为航天员，不禁令我感到悲伤。 然后我又想到我要学习福尔摩斯，要做到随心所欲具备超然的见解，这样我就不会对我脑子里的伤痕耿耿于怀。 我又想到如果我要去伦敦，我会需要一些钱。我也需要一些食物，因为那是一段长途旅行，我不知道半路上可以在哪里买到食物。我还想到我去伦敦期间，必须找个人替我照顾托比，因为我无法带着它一起旅行。 于是我拟出一个计划，这让我感觉好过一些，因为我的脑子里有了先后顺序和图形，我只要按照计划依次进行就得了。 我站起来，看清楚街道上没有人影，这才来到隔壁的亚太太家敲门。 亚太太出来开门，她说：“克里斯多弗，你怎么啦？” 我说：“你能替我照顾托比吗？” 她说：“谁是托比？” 我说：“托比是我的宠物鼠。” 亚太太说：“喔……喔，是，我想起来了，你告诉过我。” 我举起托比的笼子，说：“这就是它。” 亚太太后退一步。 我说：“它吃专用的老鼠饲料，你可以在宠物店买到，但它也可以吃饼干和红萝卜和面包和鸡骨头，可是你不能喂它吃巧克力，因为巧克力含有咖啡因和可可碱，这些都含有甲羟基嘌呤，老鼠吃太多会在体内产生毒素。它的瓶子还需要每天换干净的饮水。它不怕生，因为它是动物。它喜欢离开笼子，不过如果你不想让它出来也没关系。” 亚太太说：“为什么你要找人来照顾它，克里斯多弗？” 我说：“我要去伦敦。” 她说：“你要去多久？” 我说：“直到我上大学。” 她说：“你不能把托比带去吗？” 我说：“伦敦很远，我不想带它上火车，我怕会把它弄丢。” 亚太太说：“对。”又说：“你和你父亲要搬家了吗？” I said, "No." 她说：“那，为什么你要去伦敦？” 我说：“我要去和母亲住在一起。” 她说：“你不是告诉过我，你母亲死了吗？” 我说：“我本来以为她死了，其实她还活着，父亲欺骗我，他还说他杀了威灵顿。” 亚太太说：“啊，我的天。” 我说：“我要去和母亲住在一起，因为父亲杀了威灵顿又说谎，我不敢和他住在一个屋子里。” 亚太太说：“你母亲在这里吗？” 我说：“没有，母亲在伦敦。” 她说：“你要自己去伦敦吗？” I say yes." 她说：“克里斯多弗，你何不进来坐，我们聊一聊，一起想个最好的办法。” 我说：“不行，我不能进去。你能帮我照顾托比吗？” 她说：“我不认为这是个好主意，克里斯多弗。” I said nothing. 她说：“你父亲现在在哪里，克里斯多弗？” I said, "I don't know." 她说：“那，也许我们应该打个电话试试看能不能联络到他，我相信他此刻一定在担心你，我也相信其中定有某些严重的误会。” 我一听立刻转头跑回家，我也没有先看左右就跑过街，一辆黄色的迷你车紧急煞车，车胎摩擦路面发出尖锐的声音。我跑到屋子后面，从花园的门进去，再反手将花园的门闩上。 我想打开厨房的门，但门锁着，我捡起地上的砖块，打破门窗，玻璃碎了一地，然后我从破裂的玻璃伸手进去把门打开。 我走进屋子，先把托比放在厨房桌上，然后我跑上楼，抓起我的书包，放了一些托比的饲料进去，又装一些我的数学课本和几件干净的裤子，以及一件背心和一件干净的衬衫。然后我下楼打开冰箱，抓了一罐纸盒装的橘子汁放进书包，和一瓶尚未开封的牛奶。我又从碗橱拿了两盒鲜橘汁和两罐烤豆子、一包奶油小蛋糕放进书包里，我可以用我的瑞士行军刀上的开罐器来打开罐子。 这时我在水槽边看到父亲的移动电话和他的皮夹与电话簿，我立即感觉我衣服底下的皮肤……就像中，华生医生在诺伍得的巴托罗缪?修尔托家屋顶上看见安达曼岛民东迦的小脚印一样，冒出鸡皮疙瘩，因为我以为父亲回来了，现在就在屋子里。于是我头疼得更厉害了。但我在脑子里倒带，回忆先前的画面，知道他的车并没有停在屋外，所以他肯定是在匆忙离家时，忘了带走他的移动电话与皮夹与电话簿。于是我拿起他的皮夹，取出他的银行提款卡，这样我就可以去领钱了，因为提款卡都设定有密码，你要输入密码才能从银行的提款机领钱。父亲没有把他的密码写下放在安全的地方，但他曾经告诉过我，因为他说我不会忘记。他的密码是三五五八。我把提款卡放进我的口袋里。 我把托比从笼子里拿出来，放进我的外套口袋内，因为笼子很重，不方便一路拎到伦敦。然后我走出厨房，来到花园。 我穿过花园的门，确定都没有人在附近之后才开始往学校的方向走，那是我惟一知道的方向，等我到了学校，我可以问雪伦火车站在哪里。 如果我往学校方向走，按理说我会越来越恐惧才对，因为我从来没有这样做过，但我害怕的事有二桩，一是怕远离我平常熟悉的地方，一是怕接近父亲居住的地方，两种恐惧的比重相当，所以我离家越远与离父亲越远的恐惧总量维持不变如下： 恐惧（总量）=恐惧（新地方）×恐惧（接近父亲）=维持不变 从我家坐巴士到学校要十九分钟，但我走路花了四十七分钟，所以当我抵达学校时，我已经非常疲惫，我很希望能在学校休息一会，吃点饼干和橘子汁后再去火车站。但我不能，因为当我走到学校时，我发现父亲的货车停在学校外面的停车场内，我知道那是他的货车，因为车身上漆着“爱德华?勃恩暖气保养与锅炉维修”几个字，还有交叉的扳手图样：见到货车的那一刹那，我又开始感到不舒服。但这次我知道我快要呕吐了，所以我没有吐在自己身上，而是吐在墙上和人行道上，而且吐出来的秽物不多，因为我没吃什么东西。往常我呕吐的时候，我都会蜷缩在地上呻吟，但我知道如果我蜷缩在地上呻吟，父亲出来一定会看到我，把我抓回家。因此我用力吸了几口气，像雪伦教我的那样，她说假如我在学校挨打了，我就这样做。我还数了五十下呼吸，并且全神贯注在数字上，一面念出它们的立次方，疼痛才减轻一点。 我把嘴巴内的呕吐物清干净，决定自己想办法去火车站。我可以问路人，找一位女士来问，因为学校教我们有关“危险的陌生人”时说过，假如有男性找上你、和你说话，而你感到害怕，这时你就应该大声呼叫，并且向女士求救，因为女士比较安全。 于是我取出我的瑞士行军刀，将锯刀弹出，一手紧握，藏在没有放托比的口袋里，以防坏人抓住我时，我便可以刺向他们。这时我看见马路对面有位女士推着婴儿车，车中有个小婴儿，旁边还有一个手上拿着一个玩具大象的小男孩，我决定向她问路。我先朝左右看了又看，免得被路过的汽车撞到，这才横过马路。 我对那位女士说：“哪里可以买到地图？” 她说：“对不起。你说什么？” 我说：“哪里可以买到地图？”我可以感觉我握着刀子的手在颤抖，虽然我并没有在抖动那只手。 她说：“派屈克，把那个东西放下来，脏脏。哪里的地图？” 我说：“这里的地图。” 她说：“我不知道。”又说：“你要去哪里？” 我说：“我要去火车站。” 她笑起来说：“去火车站不需要地图。” 我说：“我需要，我不知道火车站在哪里。” 她说：“你从这里就看得到。” 我说：“我看不到，我还想知道哪里有提款机。” 她伸手指着，说：“那里，那栋建筑，屋顶上有'Signal Point'招牌的那一栋，它的另一边就有英国铁路局的招牌，火车站就在那栋建筑的地下室。派屈克，我说过了，我已经对你说过几百遍了，不要捡地上的东西吃。” 我往前看，果然有一栋建筑物的屋顶上有招牌，但是距离很远，看不清招牌上的字。我说：“你是指那栋有一排一排窗户的长条建筑？” 她说：“正是。” 我说：“要怎样才能到那里？” 她说：“戈登班奈特，”然后又说：“跟着那辆巴士。”她指着刚刚开过的巴士。 我拔腿就跑，但巴士开得很快，而且我必须留意托比不让它从口袋内掉出来。但我还是跟在巴士后面跑了很长一段路，越过六条横街，直到它转弯失去踪影，再也看不见。 我停下脚步，因为我呼吸急促，两腿酸痛。我发现我站在一条有许多商店的街道上，我想起我曾经和母亲一起出来购物时来过这条街，街上有许多人在买东西，可是我不希望他们碰到我，所以我走在马路边上。我也不喜欢太多人靠近我，更不喜欢那些噪音，因为它们会在我的脑子里灌进太多信息，使我无法思考，仿佛我的脑子里充满大声嚣叫的声音。于是我用双手掩住耳朵，无声地呻吟。 这时我注意到那位女士指给我看的记号，于是我跟着那个记号走。 不久，那个记号消失了，我又忘了刚才来的方向，于是我开始恐慌，因为我迷路了。通常我会在脑子里画出一个地图，跟着地图走，然后我会在地图上画出一个小叉叉，标示我的位置。但现在我的脑子里有太多干扰的因素，造成我的迷惑，于是我走到一家蔬果店，那里有一箱箱的胡萝卜、洋葱、荷兰防风草和花椰菜，我在商店外绿白相间的遮雨棚下站定，开始拟订计划。 我知道火车站近在咫尺，假如你想寻找某个近在咫尺的东西，你可以以螺旋状的方式移动，以顺时针的方向在每一个转角的地方右转，直到你回到刚才走过的地方，这时你再改为左转，然后又在每一个转角的地方右转，依此类推如图所示（但这是假想图，并非史云登的地图）：我就是以这个方法找到火车站。我专心一意遵循这个法则，一边走一边在脑子里画出一张城区地图，这样也比较容易忽略其它人和四周的噪音。 我终于走进火车站。 现在跟席太太住去跟妈妈住跟泰立叔叔住呆在花园里回家现在跟席太太住去跟妈妈住跟泰立叔叔住呆在花园里回家