Wang Er was born in Beijing, and I am Wang Er.On a summer morning, I rode my bike to work. When I passed the school gate, I looked at the school’s majestic gate, the wide playground and the tall chimneys behind the playground. I suddenly felt: no matter what, I couldn’t believe it. It seems that not long ago, I was a first-year student in junior high school.When school is over, I fight with my classmates at the school gate.My schoolbag hit the person with a muffled sound, and the person was thrown more than one meter away.It turned out that there were not only books in my schoolbag, but also a whole brick.At that time, the whole class was outraged and chased after me with a shout.I ran across the playground, toward the gray chimney.Later, the principal came out to walk around, and saw me climbing high on the scaffolding, facing the east wind, opening my young heart, and shouting: ×Your mother!Whoever dares to come up, I will kick him down!It seems like something that just happened.

In a blink of an eye, I grew up a lot. I am 1.90 meters tall and weigh more than 80 kilograms.Anyway, a bunch of first-year boys couldn't push such a big man up the chimney, so I don't believe it. Before I knew it, I got off the bicycle and the cart stood by the side of the road.The school was so quiet that there seemed to be no one there, which made my heart tremble.How many times have I arrived at school when it was quiet, walked through the quiet corridor, and came to Reci's classroom, and when I opened the door, dozens of faces turned to me-I was always late.If there is a blackboard newspaper for praise and criticism in the classroom, I will always be famous in the criticism column.After class, the squad leader, class cadres, squad leader, and squad leader scrambled to talk to me, and then went to the class teacher and counselor to show their merits.It's not every day that good things like picking up money and helping a blind old man get home come across, and I'm a steady source of good things.As long as you talk to me, a good thing has been born: "Helped the underachiever Wang Er!" I was able to grow up healthily, and I didn't kill the principal teacher, set fire or pee in the classroom, all thanks to these help.

Twenty years ago, no one would have believed it—the principal did not believe it, the teachers did not believe it, the students did not believe it, and I myself did not believe that Wang Er could arrive at school 40 minutes earlier, but this has already happened.Now Wang Er is a university teacher, and he visits the laboratory first before giving an experimental class.It is said that the experimenter Xu You is in charge of the experimental class, but I am worried about him. It's unbelievable that it's my turn to worry about other people now.Xu You and I have been friends for 30 years. We conspired to kill my aunt in the kindergarten. It seems like it happened yesterday.I clearly remember that I was very fierce in the big class, and I got through all the children.I still remember my auntie grabbing my ears and turning them towards Liu Bei.I will never forget that after the afternoon nap, my aunt took us to have a bowel movement.All the children lined up in a long queue, squatting on the long ditch with nine bends and eighteen loops to defecate, and the auntie hid outside the glass door to watch.She was supposed to come back to wipe everyone's buttocks after everyone was finished, but that day she was in a daze while knitting a sweater, and we squatted so hard that we wanted to suck all our intestines out, and she didn't care about it.That smell is really bad too.I stood up, wiped my bum with a toilet paper, put on my pants, and then picked up someone else's bum.The children in the class formed a row, and I was the first to wipe them off. I am really proud that I can't tell.How many today's fair and fair ladies have been preempted by me and patronized their buttocks, what a crime!Suddenly the aunt grabbed my ear, and she humiliated me to the fullest.

I'm bummed out.When I got home on Sunday, I brought a bottle of potassium permanganate water from washing peaches at home.My mother said that this potion was poisonous, and I wanted to poison my aunt with it.My friend Xu You saw my red potion, asked about its purpose, and agreed with it.He also has a secret recipe to strengthen the medicine, which is lime. Xu You swallowed everything. Once he swallowed lime, his uncle choked him, saying that lime could burn through the intestines.Later, we added foot mud, urine, toad juice, etc. to the potion, so that the potion became colorful.Later, the bottle of potion was exposed before it was sprinkled into the aunt's lunch box. This is the Wang Er poison murder case that caused a sensation in the kindergarten.Based on the above facts, I can't believe that I would be so worried about an experiment if it wasn't for poisoning the headmaster.

It's true, whether I believe it or not.One morning in early July of 1983, I was essentially a good person, a good teacher, a good citizen, and a good husband.Facts have proved that society is a melting pot that can transform all kinds of people, even Wang Er.Now I am not only a lecturer in microbiology in the Department of Agriculture of a certain university, but also the director of the biology department of the basic department.Not only do I have to manage myself well, but I also need to manage others (such as "underachiever Xu You" and the like, because this guy was transferred in after I patted my chest on the principal).So I put the car down in the carport and headed for the lab.When I opened the door, it was as expected.There was a pot of leftover noodles on the laboratory bench, and several beer bottles scattered about on the floor.The last time the principal visited the (laboratory) room, he saw leftover sausages on the laboratory table and asked me, "What is this?" I said it was an experimental sample.He roared: "What experiment? The experiment of making manure!" It made me feel numb for a while.After I cleaned up these things, I smelled a very strange smell: it was like a dead cat or a dog, and it seemed that something had fermented.After searching for a long time, I couldn't find the source of the smell.Hurry up to the back room and arrest Xu You.He said sleepily, "Wang Er, what are you doing? I was dreaming of finding my wife..." "Bah! It's seven forty. Get up! Let me ask you, what does the room smell like?"

"Don't interrupt me. This dream of mine is extraordinary. It's more beautiful than any other dream. I'm about to..." I grabbed his ear: "Let me ask you, what is so smelly in the house?" "What's all the fuss about? You're a rat. I'm on rat poison." "It's not that smell! It's your smell!" "I don't know." He sat up.This thing is so shameless, sleeping naked. "Hey, where are my shoes? Wang Er, don't make such jokes!" "You are dead! Who will show you the shoes!" "Ah! Wang Er, I remembered. I put the sneakers in the oven and forgot to take them out!"

I rushed to the oven, opened the door—my lord!Almost smoked to death.He hurriedly turned on the ventilator, put on a gas mask and rubber gloves, wrapped his stinky sneakers in newspaper, and threw them into the toilet.Looking back, Xu You didn't prepare for the morning experiment at all, and the students will arrive in fifteen minutes, and the table is bare.I rummaged through the box and took out all kinds of utensils, sweating from the tossing.Looking back at Xu You, this guy was wearing work clothes, and he was sitting in front of the microscope, looking into it intently.Seeing this scene, I couldn't help feeling angry and shouted:

"Xu You! I want to use adhesive tape. Bring me some in the infirmary." "Don't panic. Wait a minute." "What time is it? The bird's hair is on fire! Go!" "Don't worry. I have a few more clothes to wear." "You're well dressed." He flicked the hem of his clothes gracefully.God, why didn't lightning strike him!The guy is still naked.He did a few ballet moves in a row, dancing the three pieces like a pendulum, and went into the house to get dressed.After a while, she danced again and went to the infirmary.I got the experiment ready and he hasn't come back, it doesn't matter, he can't die there.After wiping off my sweat and dusting off the dirt on my body, I returned to normal.The students have to come in a while, so let me see what Xu You just saw.

The microscope is full of white flowers, and the field of vision is full of living microorganisms, long and thin, like a box of live pins.what is this?What kind of rare stuff can Xu You get?I try to stump it, teaching microbes in vain.This thing looks familiar, but I just can't remember it. Suddenly Xu You grabbed me by the back collar, "Wang Er, you are from a major, tell me what this is?" "Did you bring the tape? One piece for each test bench." "Don't try to get away with it. Say it! Say it!" I straightened up, put away the face of the director of the department helplessly, and put on Wang Er's face and gave him a sinister smile.

"You think you can stump me? I'll look it up and I'll tell you right away. But you can't even do a Gram stain." "Yes, yes. I admit that you are very knowledgeable. You also published two papers this year, right? Let's not mention these for now. Just tell me what is under the mirror?" "I'll tell you the truth, I don't know. I forgot for a while, and I forgot to write. It's a common thing." "This attitude is good. Let me tell you, this is mine..." I made a "Gordon" in my heart and looked into the microscope - didn't he, his sperm crawled like a big tail maggot. "You packed it! Quick!"

"Don't be so prudish! Don't I know who you are?" "Keep your voice down, the students are here, if you see this thing, we're done!" "What are you doing? You can't finish it. Let them see human semen and learn a lot." "They want to ask, where did this thing come from? It's broad daylight, and this is not a hospital clinic! How do you answer?" "Of course it's yours. You have contributed to science and yourself. This spirit is as noble as voluntary blood donation. The school should give you nutritional subsidies. Comrades like you who are married and cannot make ends meet can do this. Especially valuable." I was anxious to scold, when the students came, a few girls came over and said, "Good morning, Mr. Wang. What are you doing?" "Morning. Go to your lab bench to see if there is anything short. If you need something, ask Teacher Xu." "Teacher, what movie are you watching? Let's watch it too!" I quickly leaned over to occupy the lens tube, but these students were very rambunctious.Someone squeezed me with their faces, and their long hair filled my neck.Very indecent! I had to get out of the way.The gang of girls gathered around, chattering while watching: "It's alive!" "It's still crawling!" "Teacher, what is this?" "Oh, it's my job, not yours. Go back to your seat." "We want to know! We must know!" I shouted: "Squad leader! Section representative! Where have you all gone? If anyone doesn't return to their seats, I will give you zero points for this class!" "Teacher, what's the matter with you?" "Hey! Pretend to be an old man." "Why don't you tell me?" "It's not right to tell you girls this. Do you still want to listen? Okay, let me tell you. This is semen imported from Holland. I want to see how the sperm is alive." This class gave me a headache.Seventy percent of the time is spent answering questions about breeding, and girls are especially interested.From artificial insemination to the structure of artificial sows, they asked questions I didn't understand, which made me more and more angry.When class was about to end, the principal came in, gave me a hard look, and told me to go after class. I went to see the principal, and walked around the door of the principal's office a few times before entering.To tell you the truth, whenever I see someone like a teacher, it will stimulate the bad roots in my soul and make me not a good person.When I entered the door, the principal was watering the flowers. He turned around and put on a smiling face: "Xiao Wang, what do you think of my flowers?" "Report to the principal, this is the genus Rosa of the family Rosaceae, I don't know its scientific name. Because it doesn't grow anywhere else, it only grows in the donkey shed, and the common people call it donkey flower." "Then I'm a donkey? Your mouth is hopeless. Sit down, how's work?" "Report, it's going well. I've already talked to their homeroom teacher about what happened to the students in the experimental class, and told him to do his job. If he can't do it, he can call the criminal police. Xu You is cooking in the laboratory, and I have given him the most serious warning. If you don’t listen to him, pour laxatives into his cauldron. The laboratory is plagued by rats, and I have a solution, go buy some cats.” "It's all nonsense. It's not outrageous to keep cats to prevent rats. But have you thought about it, I'm next door to you. I have a meeting here at night, what should you do if your cat makes a fuss?" "I have a solution. If I eunuch it, it won't make trouble. I can eunuch all kinds of animals, from big elephants to small yellow croakers. I'm sure of everything." "Haha. I asked you to come here, not to talk about laboratory constraints. I'm going to move out anyway, and you can make trouble as you please. I'm out of sight and out of mind. Talk about your business. How old are you!" "Two out of thirty." "Still at thirty. You're an adult now, don't be like a child, bring your lover to my house to play on Sunday. What's your wife's name?" "Zhang Xiaoxia, nicknamed Erniuzi. Report to the principal, this person is a shrew who often violates my civil rights. If you can educate and influence her, it will be a great merit." "Okay, that's enough nonsense. Let me tell you one thing, don't get emotional. You are going to be seconded to go abroad. The party committee has discussed it and cannot agree." "What are they doing? Why don't you agree? Did you take the wrong medicine?" "Don't do this. It is a fact that our newly built school lacks teachers. Besides, you are too unseemly. People say that letting people like you go out is an embarrassment to the school. Comrades are prejudiced against you. I tried my best to persuade you. You still have to use this as a motivation to correct your problems..." The headmaster scolded me, neither sour nor cold, but I didn't listen to it.In the past two years, I have cooperated with Professor Lu of the School of Mines on projects. In good conscience, I have done 90% of the work.During the day, he attends classes at school and at night goes to him to do experiments.Not to mention being tired, he also ran the risk of being blown into minced meat.Because it's dynamite.I'm so desperate.Why?It's because Professor Lu's subordinates have quotas to go abroad.As long as the project is completed, he will have to lend me to him to go abroad and see how beautiful the foreign girls are.This was a good deal, but now this project has won the first prize of the National Science and Technology Award, and Professor Lu has gained both fame and fortune, but he didn't do this little thing for me.Suddenly I heard the principal call me; "Hey, are you in a trance?" "Report to the principal, I'm listening carefully. What are you talking about?" "I'm asking you, do you have any other opinions?" Of course I have an opinion!But I can't talk to him. "No! I want to find Lao Lu and tell him all about it."' "You don't have to go, Professor Lu has already left. He said it's a pity that the quota is abolished. Since you can't go, he will take care of you. In good conscience, he also tried his best. Call me seven times a night, It made me unable to sleep. I was transferred from the mine, and you are a child of the mine, so we can’t make it too much. The most important question is: Did you report this matter to the organization in advance? This happens again, I hope you can let me stand up and speak for you. First of all, you must take care of Xu You, and second, don’t be so crazy. People say that all the students who have listened to your class are crazy .” "Report to the principal, it's not my fault. The students in this grade were all conceived during the three-year difficult period. Everyone was hungry in those days, and it was inevitable to cut corners when making them. I read a material that Jewish children are very smart and well-behaved. It's all because the Jews are scrupulous about this kind of thing. It turns out that a little touch would be a big mistake..." "Shut up, how do you look like a university teacher? I blush for you. Go back and think about it, and let's talk about it." I came out of the principal's office, bristling with anger, trying to vent my anger on Xu You.As soon as he entered the door of the laboratory, he saw Xu You eating on the laboratory bench, and screamed desperately: "Eating in the laboratory again!!! You pig..." When he was out of breath, he stopped to pant, and saw his hands tab.At this time, I heard the principal knocking on the wall next door.Walking up to Xu You, I saw that he was eating tofu mixed with toon, and made such a big pot, so I continued to teach him: "Aren't you ruining my platform? This thing produces gas, and it's okay to eat it in your stomach? Every time I talk at the front, you make strange noises behind, like blowing a trumpet. Then the students exploded!" "Come on, Wang Er, why are you so serious. Look, the tofu I mix is ​​not worse than your wife's." "Eat it inside. Xu You, you're only causing me trouble!" "Hey, don't treat me like this. I know why. You didn't make it when you went abroad. Wang Er, there are nine out of ten unsatisfactory things in life. Don't take it to heart. If you haven't gone abroad, you still have a chance. I still have a chance. What chance? My wife doesn't know where to look for it." Speaking of this matter, I felt a chill in my heart.Maybe he didn't mean that, but I was supercilious.In the thirty years of friendship between Xu You and I, I have always suggested that he do it.From elementary school to middle school, we did everything we could to have fun, and we never made a big mistake.Never should, never should be, during the "Cultural Revolution", I asked him to go with me to make explosives in an empty laboratory to play, causing a catastrophe.Now Xu You's face is more numb than having had smallpox ten times, and it was all caused by me. Several test tubes burst into his face, and now he sometimes cuts his hands while washing his face, all because of me waving a detonator on the bench.No one is willing to marry a marijuana shell, so he can't find a wife.We never talked about the cause of the accident, but I think we all know it.I told him: "You don't need to stab me with words!" "Wang Er, why did I stab you?" "I blew you up! I remember!" "Wang Er, you've fucking eaten gunpowder, you're a dog who looks down on people. Hey, you got assed by the principal, take it out on me. I don't care about you, think about it for yourself!" He stormed away. After I quarreled with Xu You, my heart was in chaos.This is the first time I have quarreled with Xu You, which shows that I am very abnormal.I've heard that some people go abroad to become prostitutes, or they complain about hysteria if they can't be rated as lecturers, and scold their children for beating their wives to make the chickens and dogs restless.Am I too humble?This is news. I was pacing in the laboratory, and suddenly felt that life was very boring. It seemed to be a kind of torture in Tibet: people were wrapped in wet cowhide and exposed to the sun.When the cowhide hardens and shrinks, the black beads will burst out.The same is true in life: you get older day by day, and the cowhide gets tighter day by day.This cowhide is the law of life: going to and from get off work, eating and defecating, and even making love is part of it. Everything goes according to the schedule. Lying in the cowhide, there is still a small luxury: go abroad and become an associate professor.Once hope is dashed, sow hysteria.What a fucking bullshit: What a fucking bullshit! Before I knew it, I sat down on the high stool in the laboratory, propped my chin on my hands, and looked at the blackboard through the test tube rack.Some briquettes are drawn on the blackboard.What am I doing drawing briquettes!After thinking for a long time, I realized that it was the yeast I painted.Some trivial thoughts sneaked up from the bottom of my heart.For example, if I go abroad to occupy the quota of the mining institute, why does the school block me?And what kind of person am I doing your football and so on.Then I thought again: Why should I think about such shit.This shouldn't be my thing at all. I looked at the test tube rack, and those test tubes stood upright, causing me to think.The stench of the growth medium made me smell of the swamps of the Southlands, and so did the smell of life.The smell of new life mixed with the smell of decay, plus the smell of water.The sun in the south is white and bright, and it swells at the zenith. The grass and trees on the plain are covered with lush greenery, and patches of oil film are oozing out from the roots of the grass by the water's edge.This is a dream, a story, to be understood slowly. Once upon a time, there was a group of people who were exiled from the imperial capital to the barren land in the south.One day, one of the masters of Neo-Confucianism wanted to find a place to wash himself, but he couldn't find a river and fell into a stinky pond.He hurriedly lifted the hem of his clothes.The black mud was printed on the snow-white thighs.The sun made him dizzy, and there was a pungent grassy smell.There was no one around, and suddenly he had an unprovoked erection, which was very strong, which made him terrified.He unbuttoned his clothes, only to see that the guy was as red as an overcooked prawn, and it was hot to the touch, but he couldn't explain why, and he didn't think of a woman either.The water is steaming, and there is a primordial desire here, long before men and women.Suddenly a burst of laughter broke the master's confusion - a pair of native men and women passed by on a strong buffalo.They were naked and hugged each other to see the embarrassment of the master. Someone spoke to me, and when I looked up, it was a young boy with a red school badge. He must have just stayed in school. I didn't know him.He seemed to be saying that the sewer on the first floor was blocked, and asked me to check it out, which was strange, "You go to the chief of general affairs, what do you want me for?" "Master, the General Affairs Office is off work. Please take a look, you are idle anyway." "Really! I'm free, are you busy?" "That's not the case. I'm a teacher and you're from the boiler room." "Who is in the boiler room? Hey, the sewer is blocked, what are you doing!" "School hygiene is everyone's responsibility. Your boiler room must be irresponsible!" "×Your mother: You are the boiler room! Get out of here!" After scolding this guy away, I remembered why people said I was from the boiler room.This is because I spend a lot of time in the boiler room.And I certainly don't dress like a schoolteacher.Maybe that's why I can't leave the country.this is nothing.I was originally a foreman, and I will never forget my roots.If he hadn't said I was "idle", I might have poked the sewer with him. How can you say "you are idle anyway" to a worker? The sun shines in from the west window, and I don't want to leave when it's time to get off work.Resentment accumulated in my heart, and I wanted to find someone to talk to.Xu You came in and asked if I was eating at school.Xu Youzhen is a good friend, I want to talk to him about my depression.But he didn't understand, and he didn't have the patience to listen. I think of a fable by La Fontaine: There are two friends who live in a city, and one of them goes to find the other late at night.The man hurriedly got up, put on his armor, held the sword in his right hand and the money bag in his left, and called his friend to come in and said, "My friend, there must be a serious reason for your visit late at night. If you are in debt, here is the money. If You have been insulted, and I will immediately avenge you. If you are bored at night, there are beautiful female slaves here for you to spend." Xu You is such a friend, but now he is useless to me.There is a dullness in my heart, and I can only tell it to a woman, and I really can't think of who she is. two I got on the bike and left the school gate, but I didn't want to go home and wandered around the street.When my wife sees that I'm bored, she just babbles at me and makes me more annoying.There is a bitter taste in my heart, which is my true color. Many years ago, when I jumped in the queue in the suburbs of Beijing, I often walked home in autumn, and the road was long and endless.My heart was tense, I didn't know where to go, and I didn't know what to do after walking.The roadside is full of tall poplar trees, and countless fallen leaves fall from the sky like a golden rain.The wind howled, sometimes tight and sometimes loose.The wind blows out the fallen leaves in the ditch, like a golden tide rushing across the road.I was walking alone, and I saw no one in front or behind.Suddenly, my heart began to loosen.As I walked, I felt like I was going to fall headfirst into the blue sky, and the fallen leaves on both sides were like the golden gates of heaven.My heart swayed, and some poems came to my heart.At this moment, I got rid of all my troubles and returned to existence itself. I saw that the sky was blue as if it had been dyed.At dusk, a person came along the path, walking fast, how familiar the posture of kicking dirt and dust was!I ran after her and patted her on the shoulder. When she saw it was me, she cheered, "It's you! It's you!" This is my girlfriend Xiao Zhuanling when I jumped in line. We walked back against the wind, and I read to her the poem I just thought of, which contained this sentence: Walk in the silence, walk in the sky, And the penis hangs upside down. While there's nothing on her to hang upside down, she says it's conceivable.Little Zhuanling is such a rare friend, she can imagine anything. I should go back to Jinsong, but I went outside the You'an Gate, where Xiao Zhuanling lives nearby.I don't know why I came here, I never meant to look for her, but I happened to meet her. She was wearing a light yellow blouse and a red skirt, standing on the side of the road, her lips were trembling, she looked like she was about to cry, she seemed to have seen me a long time ago.I quickly got out of the car.Say hello and say: "Suzuko, how are you?" She said, "Wang Er, you fucking..." and started crying, and I think it's a bad thing—we'd better never see each other. Little Zhuanling asked me to accompany her to dinner.Walking into the newly opened Deyuelou and looking at the menu, I almost cursed: How dare such an unknown restaurant ask for such money, it is shameless.I can't afford to do this, but I'm embarrassed to ask her to invite me.In the past I could say: Suzuko, I have twenty dollars.how much money you have!Not now.I am someone else's husband and she is someone else's wife.So I faltered and looked around. When Xiao Zhuanling saw me, Yoko, he pouted first, and then became angry. "Wang Er, if you are in a hurry to go home, get out! If you and I still have a friendship to eat together, please sit down. Don't be like a dog that took your heart away." "What's the matter with you, I was thinking, how much does it cost to eat in restaurants these days, and it would be bad to have a big blush when you pay the bill." "Do you need to say that! If I had no money, I would have spoken earlier! Wang Er, you really make me sad, you must have been mistreated by your second girl!" "Don't you say that. I wouldn't say that." Little Zhuanling blushed.She said: "That's what I wanted to say. Well, let's not talk about it, how are you? Have you been writing anything lately?" I said I couldn't care less.I've been busy making explosives lately.She pouted when she heard that.As we were talking, the waiter came to order.She ordered a lot like a puff.I'm not used to leaving things on the table, so she might be trying to kill me. Ten years ago, I often went drinking with Xiao Zhuanling.I always feel bad after drinking, but every time I want to drink.But Xiao Zhuanling has a special constitution, drinking white wine is like drinking cold water, and he doesn't respond to how much he drinks.Born a wine leak.In the summer in Shahe Town, we drank a kind of green plum wine, which tasted okay, but afterwards we had a headache like brains were coming out of our ears and eyes.There is only one appetizer in the tavern, which is pig's brain.Suzuko said it was disgusting to look at.I still ordered a plate, tasted it, and it was terribly fishy.She didn't dare to look at the thing, pushed it to the corner of the table, and we found a topic to start discussing. The so-called discussion is nothing more than nonsense.It was about the philosophy of history.It is said that Cleopatra's nose determined the rise and fall of the Roman Empire, and by analogy, all great consequences are doomed by small antecedents.And as early as billions of years ago, even at the beginning of the creation of the world, there was the tiniest chance that decided that today and today, there is a Wang Er and Xiao Zhuanling, who decided that they would drink here, and also decided what to do next. The food and wine are pig's brains, and Xiao Zhuanling refuses to eat them.You can also say that this is due to the law, or it can be said that it is destined.Xiao Zhuanling said that if this was the case, she simply didn't want to live.In order to prove that this statement is not true, she bit the bullet and ate a pig's brain.As soon as the thing entered her mouth, she wanted to vomit, and I persuaded her to vomit it, but she swallowed it forcefully, seeing it jumping into her stomach like a live frog.Little Zhuanling is so stubborn! Little Zhuanling is serious about everything, but I am always half-true.Sitting in front of her, I was not without a sense of guilt, grabbed the beer bottle and poured it into my stomach, my face immediately turned red. Lingzi said: "Wang Er, I'm rarely happy today. Please be careful not to get drunk. Remember? That time in Shahe Town, you made a fool of yourself!" I can't remember what fools I made that night, I just remember that she carried me back. It's hard to imagine that she can carry me.But if she insisted on carrying it, there seemed to be nothing she could not carry.I got up and went to the counter to buy a bottle of brandy.When I came back, Suzuko asked me what I was doing.I said I didn't want to go home tonight, I wanted to spend the night with her in the park, and the bottle of wine would be needed in the middle of the night.Little Zhuanling is overjoyed: "Wang Er, if you want to make me happy, you can always find a way. You don't have to go to the park, go to my house, it's very close." "Isn't it? Your husband is going to fight me." "I'm already divorced." "why?" "No reason!" I said that divorce is not easy, especially through the court, she said, isn't it?Their newspaper sent an associate editor to do the work and told her not to divorce. "Prudish! Totally prudish!" "How did you tell him?" "I said, some people deserve to fuck my x, and some people don't! The old man fainted on the spot, and no one will find fault in the future!" "Don't pretend to be shocking, there is no such thing." "I said it! When did I tell you a lie? I'm not like you. I blush when I tell the truth. Your paper is still here! I read it often and benefit a lot!" When I mentioned that thesis, my heart sank, as if a tall building was kicked into the air.I had long forgotten that in addition to explosive chemistry and microorganisms, I also wrote a philosophical treatise many years ago.How could such a thing be forgotten?I have a little suspicion that I forgot on purpose, which is a very strange thing. During my last winter in the educated youth spot, everyone else went back to the city, and I was the only one in the boys’ dormitory.I asked Suzuko to move here, we are like a couple.I brought a lot of books from the city, and seeing so many finished books piled up on the kang, it's really exhilarating! That year, the Chinese Bookstore in the city opened an agency service department, supplying old books in foreign languages.I took the letter of introduction from my mother and my father's money and mixed in, and found everything in it.There are many books in the past that have inscriptions and seals on the title pages.Many of them are dead, and many others are missing.Standing under a tall bookshelf.I feel like a grave robber.I remember that there are thousands of books stamped with the words "Zhimo Collection" - once upon a time, there were many people like Xu Zhimo who used these books to build an isolated city in the desert.Now that the city has been destroyed and the people have died, it is really embarrassing! I read books all winter at the Educated Youth Spot.When you lie on a hot pit and see a headache, just look at the icicles on the windowpane.At this time, Xiao Zhuanling came up and said, "Wang Er, tell me!"She flipped through the dictionary slowly, and couldn't read a few pages a day. I was educated by second-hand foreign slaves from my family, and my English is pretty good, so I can enjoy reading, but I just talk a few words in a nonsensical manner, and then I immerse myself in reading.After dark, I lay on the pit like a dog, my hair yellowed by the kerosene lamp.When my scalp became tight and my eyelids became heavy, I said, "Lingzi, we have to go to sleep." But I was still reading a book, and vaguely felt that little Zhuanling was busy by my side, packing things and stripping clothes off me.Finally she blew out the light, and I found myself lying naked under the covers. In the dark, I told Xiao Zhuanling about the book I had just read, and because of excitement and exhaustion, my false fire rose.Little Zhuanling took the necessary measures for me, and urged me: "Talk. What happens next?" She stopped talking when it started, and just after it was over, she said, "What happened next?" This is really unreasonable!I said, "Hey, are you talking like that?" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but what happened next?" "I haven't seen it since then. I'll have to light a lamp to see it!" "Don't look at it! You are so empty now, I can feel it, go to sleep." One night I couldn't sleep, thinking of Descartes' famous quote "I think, therefore I am".I am not surprised that Descartes can come up with something, I just wonder why I am not Descartes.I feel like I'm missing something, and I feel restless thinking about it.I got up, smoked two marriages, and lit the kerosene lamp. Judging from the state that Descartes and others have reached, we are not only confused, but also mentally ill. Xiaozhuanling woke up and asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I wanted to do Cartesian speculation.I don't know what to make of this inference.She was overjoyed and said, "Wang Er. Push! Push!" After that, there was that paper. I didn't like to think about what I wrote down, so I said to Little Zhuanling: "Lingzi, we had a good time! Will we still have the days of studying that winter?" She put down her glass and said, "Reading books is not as exciting as reading your thesis." Mention that paper again!This is like a pool of hot water in a bath, I really don't want to jump into it.I had to recall that my thesis started like this: If Descartes were Wang Er, he would not be able to reason.If Don Quixote had been Wang Er, he would not have fought the windmill.Even if Wang Er got to Rhodes Island, he would not jump.Because Wang Er does not exist.Not only does Wang Er not exist, but most people do not exist either, and this is the crux of the problem. After posting this strange theory, I tried to prove it.If Wang Er exists, then he must not exist.But there is no such clarity in Wang Er's world, so it is difficult for him to exist.There are the following examples as proof: Everyone is going to die.The emperor is a man, long live the emperor. and also: Everyone is going to die, the emperor is a person, and the emperor will die. Wang Er accepts both of these arguments, do you think he can still be saved?Obviously, there are two systems in this world.One comes from the necessity of survival, and the other comes from existence itself, so there are two answers to every question at the same time.This is called hypocrisy, and the title of my thesis is called "On Hypocrisy". I was too young when I wrote that article, and made a lot of radical comments.Only one thing is still clear: I did not criticize hypocrisy itself.Not only that, I think hypocrisy is a great civilization.Xiao Zhuanling was very dissatisfied with this and asked to delete this paragraph, but I showed Lu Buwei's spirit of spring and autumn and said: It is not easy to make money with one word.Thinking about it now, it seemed like I was mentally ill at the time. Thinking about it, I drank a lot of wine without realizing it.It was already late, and there were only a few tables of guests left in the dining room.There was a waiter standing at the door of the kitchen with his hands on his hips, as if Sun Erniang was looking at the stuffing of the buns.I was dragged into the kitchen by her in a trance, and hung upside down on the iron frame.The master chef said: "This beef has more tendons and less meat, and the meat is tight. You must put some pepper when adjusting the stuffing." The dominatrix said: "Just leave it for me to make a noodle, what do you think, Niuzi?" 她上唇留一撮胡须，胸前悬着两个暖水袋。我说道：“毋宁死。”她踢了我一脚说：“不识抬举。牛子，忍着些。过一个时辰来给你放血。”于是就走了。厨房里静悄悄的，忽然一只狮子猫，其毛白如雪，像梦一样飘进来，蹲在我面前。 铃子对我说：“王二！醉啦？出什么神？” 其实我还没醉，还差得远。我坐端正，又想起自己写过的论文。不错，我是写过，虚伪还不是终结。从这一点出发后，每个人都会进化。 所谓虚伪，打个比方来说，不过是脑子里装个开关罢了。无论遇到任何问题，必须做出判断：事关功利或者逻辑，然后就把开关拨动。扳到功利一边，咱就喊皇帝万岁万万岁，扳到逻辑一边，咱就从大前题、小前题，得到必死的结论。由于这一重负担，虚伪的人显得迟钝，有时候弄不利索，还要犯大错误。 人们可以往复杂的方向进化：在逻辑和功利之间构筑中间理论。通过学习和思想斗争，最后达到这样的境界：可以无比真诚地说出皇帝万岁和皇帝必死，并且认为，这两点之间不存在矛盾。也不知道为什么，这条光荣的道路一点也不叫我动心。我想的是退化而返朴归真。 在我看来，存在本身有无穷的魅力，为此值得把虚名浮利全部放弃。我不想去骗别人，受逼迫时又当别论。如此说来，我得不到什么好处。但是，假如我不存在，好处又有什么用？ 当时我还写道，以后我要真诚地做一切事情，我要像笛卡尔一样思辩，像堂吉河德一样攻击风车。无论写诗还是做爱，都要以极大的真诚完成。眼前就是罗得岛，我就在这里跳跃——我这么做什么都不为，这就是存在本身。 在我看来，春天里一棵小草生长，它没有什么目的。风起时一匹公马发情，它也没有什么目的。草长马发情，绝非表演给什么人看的，这就是存在本身。 我要抱着草长马发情的伟大真诚去做一切事，而不是在人前差羞答答的表演。在我看来，人都是为了要表演，失去了自己的存在。我说了很多，可一样也没照办。这就是我不肯想起那篇论文的原因。 服务员拿了把笤帚扫地。与其说是扫地，不如说是扬场。虽然离饭店关门还有半个钟头，我们不得不站起来，恋恋不舍地到外面去。那年冬天我和铃子也是这么恋恋不舍地离开集体户。 我和小转铃在集体户住了二十多天，把一切都吃得精光，把柴火也烧得精光。最后离开时，林子里传来了鞭炮声。原来已经是大年三十，天上飘着好大的雪，天地皆白，汽车停开，行人绝迹。我们俩在一片寂静中走回城去。 如今我和铃子上她家去，走过一条田间的土路，这条路我从来没走过，也不知道通到哪里去。我有点怕到小转铃那里去，这也许是因为她对生活的态度，还像往日一样强硬。 我和小转铃走过茫茫大雪回城去，除了飞转的雪片和沙沙的落雪声，看不见一个影子，听不见一点声音。冷风治好了持续了好几天的头疼。忽然之间心底涌起强烈的渴望，前所未有：我要爱，要生活，把眼前的一世当做一百世一样。这里的道理很明白；我思故我在，既然我存在，就不能装作不存在。无论如何，我要对自己负起责任。 到了小转铃家，弄水洗了脸，我们坐在院子里继续喝酒。不知为什么，这回越喝越清醒，平时要喝这么多早醉了。小转铃坐在我对面的躺椅里，一声也不吭。我看着她，不觉怦然心动。 那一年我们踏雪回家，走到白雾深处，我看着她也怦然心动。那时候四面一片混沌，也不知天地在哪里，我看见她艰难地走过没膝的深雪，很想把她抱起来。她的小脸冻得通红，呵出的白气像喷泉一样。那时候天地茫茫，世界上好像再没有别的人。我想保护她，得到她，把她据为已有。 没人能得到小转铃，她是她自己的。这个女人勇捍绝伦，比我还疯狂。我和她初次做爱时，她流了不少血，涂在我们俩的腿上。不过片刻她就跳起来，嬉笑着对我说；王二，不要脸！这么大的东西就往这里杵！ 我和她是上大学时分手的。在此之前同居了很长时间。性生活不算和谐，但是也习惯了。小转铃是性冷淡，要用润滑剂，但是她从没拒绝过，也没有过怨言。我也习惯了静静躺在身下的娇小身躯。但是最后还是吹了，我总觉得是命中注定。 小转铃就坐在面前，上身戴个虎纹乳罩，下身穿了条短裙，在月光下显得很漂亮。我还发现她穿了耳朵眼，不过这没有用。她的鞋尖还是一场糊涂，这说明她走路时还是要踢石子。这就叫江山易改，本性难移。 我知道，如果小转铃说：“王二，我需要你”，结果会难以想象。小转铃也知道，我经不起诱惑。但是她什么都没有说，只是放下了酒杯又抽烟。其实她很想说，但是她不肯。 小转铃说过，她需要我这个朋友，她要和我形影不离，为此她不惜给我当老婆。和一个朋友在一起过一辈子可够累的。所以我这么和她说：也许咱们缘分不够，也许你能碰上一个人，不是不惜给他当老婆，而是原本就是他老婆。不管怎么说，小转铃是王二的朋友，这一点水远不会变。说完了这些话，我就和她分手了。 假如今天小转铃肯说：“王二，我是你老婆”，这事情就不妙得很。二妞子可不容人和她打离婚。但是这件事没有发生。我们直坐到月亮西斜，我才说：“铃子，我要回去了。” 有一瞬间小转铃嘴唇抖动，又像是要哭的样子，但是马上又恢复了平静。她说：“你走吧，有空常来看我。”我赶紧住家赶，可了不得了，已经是夜里两点钟！ three 我蹑手蹑脚出了院门，骑车回家去。把车扛上楼锁在扶手上，轻轻开门进去，屋里一团漆黑。脱下鞋小心翼翼往床上一躺，却从床上掉下来。然后灯亮了，我老婆端坐在床上。刚才准是她一脚把我从床上踹下来，她面色赤红，头发都竖了起来。 “你上哪儿去了？我以为你死了哩！学校、矿院，到处都打了电话，还去了派出所。原来你去喝酒！和谁混了一夜？” 我虽然很会撒谎，可是不会骗老婆。和某些人只说实话，和某些人只说假话，这是我的原则。于是我期期艾艾地说：“和小转铃碰上了，喝了一点儿。” 她尖叫一声，拿被子蒙上头，就在床上游仰泳。现在和她说什么都没用，我去厕所洗了脚回来，关上灯又往床上一躺。忽然脖子被勒住，憋得我眼冒金星，二妞子在我耳边咬牙切齿地说：“叫你知道我的厉害！” 这个泼妇是练柔道的，胳膊真有劲。平时她也常向我挑衅，但是我不怕她。不管她对我下什么绊儿，我只把她拎起来往床上一扔。她是四十七公斤级的，我是九十公斤级的，差了四十多公斤。现在在床上被她勒住了脖子，这就有点棘手。这女人成天练这个名堂，叫做什么“寝技”。我翻了两下没翻起来，太阳穴上青筋乱蹦。最后我奋起神威，炸雷也似大喝一声（行话叫喊威），往起一挣，只听天崩地裂一声巨响，床塌了。我在地上滚了几滚，又撞倒了茶几，稀哩哗啦。我终于摔开她，爬起来去开灯，只见她坐在地上哭，这时候应该先发制人。 “夜里三点啦！你疯什么？诈尸呀！” 我是如此理直气壮，她倒吃一谅，半天才觉过味来：“你混蛋！离婚！” “明天早上陪你去，今晚上先睡觉。” “我找你妈告状去！” “你去吧，不过我告诉你，你没理。” “我怎么会没理？” “事情是这样的：不管怎么说，我和小转铃是多年的老朋友了，见面哪能不理呢？陪她吃顿饭，喝一点，完全应该。” “一点儿？一点是多少！” “也就是半斤吧。不是白干，是白兰地。” “好混蛋，喝了这么多。在哪儿吃的饭？” “齐家河得月楼。莱糟得一塌糊涂，小转铃开的钱。” “混蛋！显她有钱。明天咱们去新侨，敢不去阉了你。菜！一样一样说。” 这还有完吗？深更半夜的，我又害头疼。“炒猪屄！” 二扭子气得又哭又笑。扯完了淡，已经是四点钟。刚要合眼，二妞子又叫我把自行车搬进来，结果还是迟了一步。前后胎的气都被人放光。还算客气，没把气门嘴拔去。这是邻居对我们刚才武斗的抗议。 那一夜我根本没睡。二妞子在我身边翻来覆去闹个不休。天快亮时，我才迷糊了一会儿，一双纤纤小手又握住了我的要命处，她要我证明自己没二心。这一证明不要紧，睡不成了。第二天早上教师会，校长布置工作。不到一刻钟的工夫，我往地下出溜了三回。校长大喝一声：“王二，你站起来！” “报告校长，我已经站起来了！” “你就这么站着醒醒！以前开会你打磕睡，我没说你。你是加夜班做实验，还得了奖嘛，可以原谅。如今不加夜班了，你晚上干什么去了？” 不提这事犹可，一提我气不打一处来。难道该着我加夜班？一屋子幸灾乐祸的嘴脸，一屋子假正经！不要忙，待我撒泼给你们看：“报告校长，老婆打我。” 全场哄然。后排校工座上有人鼓掌。 “报告校长，我为了学校荣誉，奋起抗暴，大打出手，大败我老婆，没给学校丢脸！” 后排的哥儿们全站起来，掌声雷动。校长气得面皮发紫，大吼一声：“出去！到校长室等我！” 到了校长室，我又有点后悔。太给校长下不来台。校长拿我当他的人百般庇护，他提我当生物室主任，虽然只管许由一个宝贝，好多人还是反对。人事处长拿了我档案去说：王二历史上有问题，他和许由犯过爆炸案。这两个家伙可别把办公楼炸了，最好让我当副主任，调食堂胖三姑当正主任。校长哈哈大笑说：两个小屁孩，“文化革命”里闹着玩，有什么问题。倒是食堂的胖三姑好贪小便宜，放到实验室里是个祸害。最近我和吕教授项目搞成，到手二千元奖金，他拿大头，给我三百。这钱到了学校会计科，科长就要全部没收。理由是王二拿了学校的工资，夜里给外单位于活。白天上课打呵欠，坐第一排的学生能看见我的扁桃腺，校长又为我说话，说王二加班搞项目，功在国家，于学校也有光彩。国家奖下来的钱，你们克扣不是佛面刮金吗？结果这钱全到了我手，比吕教授到自己手的还多。 想到这些事，我心里发软。我不想被人看成个不知好歹的人。但是转念一想，心里又硬起来，×你妈，谁说我是你的人？老子是自己的人。正在想着，校长进来了。他坐下沉默了两分钟，凝重地说：“小王，我要处分你。” “报告校长，我早该处分！” “你不要有情绪。出国的事，你不满意，可以理解。但不能在会场上这么闹！我不处分你，就不能服众。” “报告，我没情绪。我对组织一贯说实话。二妞子是打了我。你看我脖子上这一溜紫印……也就是我，换上别人早被掐死了。” 校长一看我脖子，简直哭笑不得：“你这小子！夫妇打架也要有分寸！” “校长，你不知道。这可不是夫妇打闹！我老婆是真打我。她是柔道队的！上次把我肘关节扭掉了环，贴了好多虎骨膏，现在还贴着呢。” 校长沉吟了半晌，走了出去。我心里暗笑：看你怎么处理我。过一会儿他把工会主席和人事处长叫进来，这两人是我的大对头。校长很激动地说： “你们看看，这成什么体统！把人打成这个样子！男同志打老婆单位要管，女同志打老公，我们能不管吗？不要笑！这情况特殊！得给体委打电话，叫他们管教一下运动员！工会人事要出面。伤成这个样子，影响工作。小王呀，要是不行就回家休息。最好坚持一下，把会开完。” 鬼才给他坚持。出了校门我就拍着肚皮大笑：世界上居然有这样的校长！回家睡了一大觉，起来已然三点钟。我老婆留条叫我四点钟去新侨，还把西装取出来放在桌上。我打扮起来照照镜子，怎么看怎么不像那么回事。我这个人根本就没体面。出了门我怕熟人看见我，就溜着墙根走。到了新侨门口，老远就看见我老婆。她穿了一件鲜红的缎子旗袍，有加一床缎子被。她还擦了烟脂抹了粉，活脱脱一个女妖精：我走过去挽住她的手，手心里全是汗。只听她娇叹一声： "I'm dying!" “别怕，往前走，打断我骨头的劲儿上哪儿去了？别看地，没钱，有钱我比你先看见。抬头！挺胸！” “我怕人家看见我抹了粉！” “怕什么？你蛮漂亮的嘛。抹了粉也比没鼻子的人好看。要像模特儿那么走。晃肩膀，扔屁股！” 她这么一走，好似发了自发功，骨节都响起来。我老婆穿得随便一点，走到街上还蛮有人看的，现在别人都把头扭到一边去，走进饭店在桌前坐下，她都要哭了。 这顿饭吃得很不舒服，我觉得我们俩是在饭店里耍了一场活宝。回家以后，我有好一阵若有沂思，似乎有所领悟。第二天早上到班，我就比平时更像个恶棍。 我一到学校，就先与许由汇合。出国出不成，我已经想通了，反正没我的份。前天和许由闹了一架，彼此不痛快，现在应该聊一聊。从小到大，他一直是我的保镖，我不能叫他和我也生分了。正聊得高兴，墙壁响了，这是校长的信号，召我去听训。 进了校长室，只见他气色不正。桌子上放着我上报的实验室预算。只听他长叹一声： “王二呀王二，你的行为用四个字便可包括！” “我知道，克己奉公。” “不。少年无行！你瞧你给总务处的预算。什么叫'二百立升冰箱三台，给胖三姑放牛奶'？” “她老往我冰箱里放牛奶，说是冰箱空着也是白费电。冰箱是我故菌种的，她把菌种放到外边，全坏了。现在人家又怀上了，不准备下来行吗？” “这意见应该提，可是不要在报告里乱写。再说，为什么写三台？有人说，你是借题发挥，有意破坏团结。” “校长，三姑生的是第二胎。第一始是生肚子，生不多。第二胎生十个八个是常有的事。真要是老母猪，人家有那么多个奶。三姑只有两个，咱们要为第二代着想。这道理报告里写了。” “胡扯！本来有理的事，现在把柄落在人家手里。你坐下，咱们推心置腹地谈谈。你知道咱们学校处境不好吗？” “报告校长，我看报了。现在新建的大学太多，整顿合并是党中央的英明决策。就说咱们学校，师资校舍一样没有，关了也罢。” “你这叫胡说八道！咱们学校从无到有，在很艰苦的条件下给国家培养了几千名毕业生，成绩明摆着。现在有了几百教职员工，这么多校舍设备。怎么能关了也罢？学校关了你去哪儿！” “我去矿院。老吕调我好几回了，都是您给压着。你再看看我，是不是放我走了更适合？” “你别做梦了。学校有困难，请调的一大批。放了你我怎么挡别人？党委讨论了，一个都不放。谁敢辞职，先给个处分，叫他背一辈子。另一方面，我们也要大胆提拔年轻人。能干的我们也往国外送，提教授。就说你吧，几乎无恶不作，我们还提你当生物室主任，学校有什么地方对不住你？” “对不起我的地方太多了。就说住房吧。我同学分到农委，才毕业就是一套房。我呢？打了半天报告，分我一间地下室。又湿又黑，养蘑菇正合适。就说我落后，也没落后到这个份上。蘑菇是菌藻植物门担子菌纲。我呢，起码是动物，灵长目，人科人属，东亚亚种，和您一样。您看我哪一点像蘑菇？” “当然！谁也不是蘑菇！我们要关心人。房子会有的。你不要哭穷。你住得比我宽敞！” “那可是体委的房。我老婆说，我占了她的便宜，要任打任骑。要说打，打得过她，可是咱们理亏。咱们七尺大汉，就因为进了这个学校，被老婆打得死去活来，还不敢打离婚——离婚没房子住。要不就得和许由挤实验室。许由的脚有多臭，你知道吗？”