Chapter 26 Chapter Twenty

Lin Hong made a glass of malted milk and found that the rain outside the window seemed to have stopped.At noon, the school playground was watery and silent, so she decided to take a walk outside.Over the past few days, the rain has kept people in the house, and I feel a little bored.Before leaving, she hesitated, should she bring a sketchbook?Decided not to bring it, closed the door and came out.The air outside was damp and cool, and the dirt road under her feet was muddy. She stepped on the grassy place, walked out the back gate of the school, and walked slowly along the river.The river flowed by quickly, and the water swelled to the top of the river bed, as if you could touch it with your hand.

She stopped.Lately, she has often had trouble concentrating. Meeting Li Xiangnan at the meeting brought back many memories of her. She didn't suppress her recollection.She understands the laws of human psychology. The more suppressed thoughts and feelings are, the more tenacious they will appear.She tried to be as casual as possible, unwilling to allow the past to disturb her soul.However, being inattentive did not make the memories dull. The past events of the student days are not so easy to forget.She sat down on the rock under the big pagoda tree.The river flows in front of my eyes, and the floating branches and leaves and foam pass by backwards.For a moment, she felt a sense of emptiness again: more than ten years of life were passing by her side.She closed her eyes for a moment, destroying the feeling.When I opened my eyes, that feeling was gone, and the sense of movement of the river was stronger.

The scene of breaking up with Li Xiangnan at the train station in 1968 emerged before my eyes. The preparation bell rang, and the train would leave in a few minutes. Lin Hong looked around, but Li Xiangnan hadn't come yet.The white rain and fog covered Beijing Railway Station.The students who saw her off waved to her on the platform.Suddenly seeing Li Xiangnan running towards him, he eagerly poked his head through the crowd of people, looking through the car windows one by one.Lin Hong hurriedly leaned out the car window and called him.Li Xiangnan heard it. He ran to the car window, unbuttoned his raincoat, took out a book from his pocket, a red suede notebook, and a pen, and handed them to her together.Books and books still carry his body temperature.He took Lin Hong's hand, shook it again and again, like a big brother, but also with a deep affection that a big brother didn't have: "I hope you are all well." He lowered his eyes slightly, and lowered his voice with complicated emotions .

Lin Hong nodded with tears in her eyes. "Petty bourgeoisie again?" Li Xiangnan said jokingly.Lin Hong forced a smile, but couldn't stop the tears from streaming down her face. "Be confident at all times." Li Xiangnan encouraged. Lin Hong nodded obediently. "When I get to the countryside and the situation gets better, if you are willing to come, then transfer back." In the heavy rain, Li Xiangnan waved his hands and stood where she could see, but was finally covered by the rain and fog.That was the last time they met. Half a month later, Li Xiangnan also left Beijing and went to the mountainous countryside.

It's passed.Thinking of the lost youth, there is always a trace of sadness; but thinking of having experienced so much pain, she was able to find peace.After all, everything is in the past, the past is in the past, and I won't bother myself anymore.In a trance, I feel that someone is coming to me, which is probably a hallucination.But when she raised her eyes, she saw Li Xiangnan.She stood up and brushed her hair, because Li Xiangnan saw the daze in front of the river just now, she was a little embarrassed. "Is the road easy?" she asked.Although I have imagined the scene of meeting Li Xiangnan many times these days, I never thought that everything would be so peaceful.She is not excited.

"It's okay to go out of the city, this section is too muddy." "Knew you would come," she said. The two looked at each other and smiled, and walked slowly towards the school side by side. "I'm quite familiar with this place." Li Xiangnan said. "heard." "How did you hear that?" "A place where the county grandpa lived when he was a child, who can not tell the story?" She looked at him and couldn't help smiling.He laughed too.He never expected that the reunion would be so natural, which made him feel a little more relaxed, but also a little disappointed.

"I still remember this big locust tree. I climbed it when I was a child." Li Xiangnan said with a smile, "Look at the east end of the village over there." He pointed to the front, "My nanny's house is there." "Nurse?" Lin Hong casually grabbed the willow branches that brushed her face as she walked, then turned her head to look at Li Xiangnan, "Aren't you going to see her?" "Today's time is too tight. In a few days, I will make a special trip to see her." Li Xiangnan replied. The two walked a few steps in silence. "I heard about you as soon as I came to the ancient tomb. I couldn't believe it at first, but after I asked again, I became more and more convinced that it was you. What a coincidence." Li Xiangnan smiled.

"It's such a coincidence. I met me in the place where you were the county magistrate, and the place where I teach is the village where you lived when you were a child." She said.The shoulders of the two touched lightly. "In a flash, we broke up for more than ten years." Li Xiangnan said with emotion. "We're all getting old." She turned her head and looked at him, "You haven't changed much, you're still the same. It's just that your guttural voice is a little heavier." Li Xiangnan smiled sadly: "In fact, the changes are quite big, and the enthusiasm is far less than in the past."

"Really?" She glanced at him attentively, "However, you seem to be very enthusiastic and a reformer." "The title of 'family' is not easy to seal randomly, but what I'm doing now, I think it has some meaning." "I'm old." Lin Hong said slightly sadly. Li Xiangnan glanced at her thoughtfully.She looked different from when she was a student. Although she was still beautiful, she looked like a mature young woman.This made him quite melancholy about the vicissitudes of life, and there was also a kind of disappointment that could hardly be called disappointment.But it wasn't just that that silenced him. "How have you been these years?" he asked.

"That's it." Lin Hong kicked the stones in the puddles on the gravel road, her voice lowered: "Have you heard about my situation in the ancient tomb?" "I've heard about it. What's your plan in the future?" "I don't have any plans. Hey," she looked up, and changed the subject with a smile. "How do you feel when you come to the place where you lived when you were young?" "Are you changing the subject?" "No, I really want to ask," she said. "Did you see those two poles?" Li Xiangnan pointed to the other side of the river. On the other side of the river, next to several farmhouses covered by green trees, there were two rusty iron pipes with a rope in the middle, which were used to dry clothes. Yes, "The two iron poles stood there when I was five years old, and I climbed over them. They are still there for more than 20 years, but I don't think they are as high as before."

"Do you think China is changing too slowly?" "Yes. Of course there have been changes. The houses in the village are much better than before." "You're here for change, aren't you?" "Do you care about that?" he asked. "I do not care." Li Xiangnan was silent for a while, and asked, "Why haven't you written to me for so many years?" "There is nothing to write about." Her tone was very cold, indicating that the question could not be asked any further. "Where have you been since you left Inner Mongolia?" "First transferred to the Northeast, and then transferred to Shanxi." "I heard about it. I wrote to you. You didn't reply. What happened next?" "Wandered a few more places." "What's next?" "I've done everything. After that, I will be married and divorced." After saying this, she shook her hair and said calmly, "That's it, more than ten years." Lin Hong's carelessness made Li Xiangnan feel blocked by something. "Finally reached the ancient tomb?" He asked again. "yes." "Because your uncle is here?" "He's my only relative." The two walked into the back door of the school. "Some say you're being cynical now." "Maybe, but I hate the term cynicism. It's all cynicism, it's used everywhere, it's so vulgar," she said. "Lin Hong, you should be more active in life." Li Xiangnan said. "Are you encouraging me to be a reformer like you?" There was a hint of sarcasm in Lin Hong's words. "I'm not talking about what you do specifically, I'm referring to your general attitude towards life." He glanced at Lin Hong, "Do what you should do." "What am I supposed to do, is that I wrote the letter of complaint?" "Of course it should be done. It shouldn't be done. How could you do it?" She took two steps, "That's just a little inertia left by my past." "Lin Hong, maybe your life these years has been full of twists and turns. Everyone has their own twists and turns. It may not be very meaningful to chew on these. I can understand that you don't want to look back. But the key question is..." "Shall we not talk about this?" "Listen to me. I don't want us to become estranged from each other after we haven't seen each other for more than ten years. I hope you are as frank as before." "The past is too far away for me." "Lin Hong, what I mean is that you shouldn't lose faith in life. I'm not giving you a formulaic lecture." "I think your words are quite formulaic." The two had already reached the door of the dormitory, Lin Hong walked up the steps, turned her head and smiled: "Tell you the truth, don't be angry, I'm tired of hearing your words." Li Xiangnan stopped under the steps. "Are you angry?" Lin Hong had already half-opened the door, then turned around and asked again.Li Xiangnan looked at her inquiringly, but did not answer. "Did you hurt your self-esteem?" She still said casually, "Come in, don't be angry, I'm just in the habit of talking now." Li Xiangnan silently followed her into the house. "Do you drink water? How about making a cup of cocoa? Is my room too messy? By the way, let me pour some hot water, can you wash your face?" She was busy.He shook his head. "Then you can wipe it off." She wrung out a hot towel and handed it to him, and he took it and put it on the table. "Eat candy." She pushed the candy box on the table in front of him. "I'm not a child." Li Xiangnan gently pushed the candy box aside. "Still angry with me?" She sat down on the bed facing him. "You should at least listen to me." Li Xiangnan said. "Just talk about whatever you want to talk about now, and I will listen patiently." She pulled the sheet, took the pipa by the bed and put it on her lap. Emotions were generated due to anger, and due to the emotional arming of the mind, Li Xiangnan completely got rid of the unnaturalness of the reunion. He felt that he could talk to her frankly like he did more than ten years ago. When they met for the first time, Lin Hong aroused his complicated emotions, and he couldn't figure it out for himself for a while. "Don't think that what others talk about is imposing something on you." He criticized, "Although we haven't been in touch for more than ten years, I still know you well." "That's not necessarily true." Lin Hong lowered her head and said softly as she tuned the strings. "Lin Hong, in Beijing, there are quite a few people with thoughts and emotions like yours. I have come into contact with them." "Don't compare me with them. No one is like me." "Perhaps you've had a rougher life than the average person, or a more ravaged life. I hope it doesn't hurt you to say that," "What's the difference between more and less?" She smiled, her left finger carelessly pressed down on the strings, and played a silent tune, "You can speak whatever you want, nothing can hurt me now." "Are you so numb?" "What's the matter?" Lin Hong plucked the strings lightly, rubbed her fingers and vibratoed, and then slid her fingers from high to low, "I'm telling the truth, I don't care about anything now." "It doesn't matter what you say. It's a kind of spiritual self-defense for the weak. I'm afraid that facing life will cause pain, so I have to numb myself." Lin Hong took a look at him, and smiled as she thought it was amused. "Don't hide yourself with a smile." Lin Hong's eyes flickered for a moment, and he laughed even more happily, and it took him a while to stop.She stroked her hair habitually and said, "What am I trying to hide? You don't know me at all." "Lin Hong, you are too dishonest." "Why am I being insincere?" Seeing Li Xiangnan angry, Lin Hong said with a smile.She was not willing to hurt Li Xiangnan. Li Xiangnan stood up and took two steps in the room, then turned around, looked at Lin Hong's feet, and said, "I didn't expect you to be like this now." Probably only this sentence had the impact on Lin Hong, and the indifference on her face disappeared instantly. "No matter what a person goes through, he can't be insensitive. If that's the case, what's the point of living?" "It doesn't make any sense at all." Lin Hong whispered. "Lin Hong, I really didn't expect you to be like this. I can imagine that you are disillusioned and even world-weary. But I didn't expect you to have no sincerity at all. To be honest, you can't even see a shadow of your past. .” "Stop it," she whispered. "Don't you care about nothing, are you afraid to say a few words? It's not terrible to be told by others, and it's not terrible to be ravaged by life. The most terrible thing is to ravage yourself." Li Xiangnan threw the words out like an explosion. Lin Hong bowed her head in silence, a twitch passed on her neck.Li Xiangnan walked back and forth in the room, restraining his excitement.Outside the window, it began to rain again. "I might be a little restless." He stopped and said. "It's okay." She said coldly. Li Xiangnan walked a few more steps silently: "I know, you must have been very difficult these years." "I don't need sympathy." She raised her head and shook her hair back. "Shallow sympathy for the past is disgusting, I just want you to live life to the fullest in the future." "How do you know I'm not fulfilled?" She said calmly, "I'm busy every day. I teach my books, draw my pictures, play my piano, and I know how to live. You have to be like you Is it full?" "of course not." "I have more self-choices, more freedom, and a better reflection of human existence in this way of life." "Is it your philosophy of life?" "I would probably add one more line to my philosophy: self-improvement." "It's kind of like religion." "Who has no religion? Heroes should go down in history forever, and writers should live forever. Which one is not religion? Don't you want to improve society? You improve your society, and I improve myself." "Without a perfect society, one cannot perfect oneself." "That's not necessarily true. Maybe you can't improve the society, but I can improve myself." Seeing that Li Xiangnan was about to open his mouth to say something, she added, "It's your point of view more than ten years ago: leaving the ideal society. It’s not about personal ideals.” Speaking of “the past”, her retorting voice hesitated, and she and his gaze met for a moment. "Do you remember the past?" Li Xiangnan sat down and asked. She looked at him, lowered her eyes and played the pipa carelessly twice. "I will always remember you." Li Xiangnan said. There was a sudden sound of the pipa, and finally the four strings clanged. She stopped and put the pipa on the bedside: "This is so boring." "You..." Li Xiangnan's jaw trembled with anger. "Why do you keep talking about this? Do you see that I am too calm and dissatisfied?" "I want to have a frank talk with someone who used to know each other." Li Xiangnan said. "Do you think I didn't expose my inner weakness?" She became excited, "I can tell you, tell you all. You said that I am the self-defense of the weak, and I am the self-defense of the weak. I can't let anyone hurt me You say I am a religion, but I am comforting and paralyzing myself. I say that I am disillusioned, but I can’t escape it. In recent years, I have also thought about painting, thinking about composing music, and having all kinds of sweet dreams , but it’s just a flash. I have dreams in vain, but I don’t have that much power. Looking at other people’s exciting lives and success, I despise, envy, and even suffer. As soon as my birthday is over, I will think that I am almost thirty I respect you when you transform the society. China is richer and more civilized, and I will not be unhappy. But why do you want to reform me? Didn’t you say that life has ravaged me? You know what ravaged means ?" "Life has been ravaged by a lot of people in the past few years." "You mean it in a broad sense. You asked me why I didn't write to you within a year after I arrived in Inner Mongolia. Do you know what it means to be ravaged to a sixteen-year-old girl?" Her eyes burst out. tears. Li Xiangnan was stunned like thunder. "Why didn't I write to you? You blame me, maybe you hated me. Is it because I don't want to write to you?" She choked up, "You are looking for me now, you are looking for Lin Hong from the past, but the past Lin Hong is gone. I know you used to be good to me. You loved me. I still remember that day when the north wind was blowing, I stood alone in front of you, my parents died, no one cared about me, only you took me in Me, let me join your Long March." Tears were streaming down her knees.It was raining heavily outside the window. "Lin Hong." He handed her the towel that was twisted to him on the table just now. Wiping her tears, she tried her best to restrain herself: "Don't tell me these things." She brushed the hair that was wet on her cheeks with tears, stood up and opened the box, took out a book and a red suede notebook, and put them in front of Li Xiangnan.It was the one he gave her more than ten years ago.And that diary.He gently placed his hand on the red suede of the diary, feeling unspeakable melancholy.He looked up at her, and she had calmed down: "I haven't forgotten the past, but it's over after all." She looked away and said. Li Xiangnan's throat seemed to be choked by something: "Everything can be started again." "Have you studied history?" Lin Hong smiled lightly, "What can be repeated again? Don't try to influence me anymore. My outlook on life has no plasticity. Really, I know myself far better than you .” "There is nothing in the world that cannot be changed." "You may be very proficient in politics, but you don't have much research on human psychology. Let's talk about it here." Lin Hong put the book and diary into the box, leaned on the box and looked at him, "Don't What fantasies do I have, I know myself too well." After a while, she smiled and took off the stack of paintings on the wall, "Look at my paintings, okay?" "I've seen it." "Listen to me playing the piano, will you?" "No." "Shall I cook you something to eat?" Li Xiangnan shook his head: "I should go." She sent him out, and the two walked silently in the rain.Li Xiangnan was pushing the cart, and she was holding an umbrella. "Do you still like red?" she asked. "I like the sea." Li Xiangnan replied with a trace of anger. "Why don't you get married?" Lin Hong asked. "How do you know I'm not married?" "It feels like that." Li Xiangnan smiled sarcastically: "No reason." When they broke up outside the school gate, Lin Hong stopped and said, "Don't be angry with me." He looked at her with a bit of reproach. "Don't come here again." She smiled faintly, "I'm already making rumors about you." Li Xiangnan snorted almost silently. Lin Hong pointed to the muddy road across the school gate and said: "This road should be repaired, it will win people's hearts." She then pointed to a small red brick building surrounded by green trees in the distance, "That is the dry rest center , the old men have already complained." He nodded: "I'm about to go." "Don't rush anything." Li Xiangnan nodded. "I can't help you with anything else. I don't want to get involved in the matter of the ancient tomb." "I don't want you to get involved again." Li Xiangnan looked at Lin Hong gloomyly, and stretched out his hand, "Goodbye, I must change your attitude towards life." "It's impossible." Lin Hong wanted to pull out her hand. "I've made up my mind, and I'll be able to." Li Xiangnan held her hand and looked directly at her gloomily. "Nothing can move me." "Yes, many things in the world are not resolved by words." He said fiercely, shook off her hand, turned and pushed into the car and left. Lin Hong froze there.