Chapter 8 Show Dou 2 Years (2)

April 21 Why is this grassland full of gorgeous flowers?As the saying goes, the more flowers bloom in a place, the more corpses there are beneath it... So scary... The second senior brother turned over a rock: "Mom! It's so scary... Eh? Brother Monkey, what kind of plane are you hiding under the brick?" Senior senior brother: "I'm peeing." Second senior brother: "I rely on est! Are you squatting and peeing?!" Eldest brother: "At first I wanted to write a note, but after you threw it like this, I didn't feel any shit at all, so I had to change it to a small one."

At this time, a black cloud drifted across the sky and a gust of wind blew... Master: "That cloud just now, ah... a small cloud slowly coming over..." I said: "Master, the sun is in the sky, but a dark cloud has come inexplicably, isn't it a monster?" The second senior brother: "Brother Sha, are you making a fuss again? Even if it is a monster, it is a monster passing by." Master: "A monster passing by? Bajie, why don't you say it's a monster returning to your mother's house? I think there is a deceit in it. Bajie, Brother Sha, protect the white dragon horse, and let me go and find out!"

White Dragon Horse: "P! Super imitation show." Eldest brother: "Master, don't provoke me! Is it okay if I go to inquire now? I'm afraid of you!" After a while, the elder brother came back. Eldest brother: "I've done some research, and there are a total of 50,000 demon caves in a radius of 50 miles, with 1.2 million fairies, including 200,000 male demons and 1 million female demons. Master: "Oh? The male-to-female ratio is so out of balance? Wukong, you said that there are more than one million goblins in a radius of 50 miles. Doesn't that mean that there are hundreds of goblins in every square?" Eldest brother: "Yes, everyone, please lift up. Feet, Look! Dozens of them have been trampled to death!" Master: "Wukong, did I tie your tail into a bow that is difficult to untie yesterday, are you still not happy? Please! What I want you to inquire about is Are there any monsters here that pose a threat to our lives!" Eldest brother: "I have also inquired about this, and there are two: one is the white bone spirit; the other is you."

Master: "White bone essence, white malted milk essence...sounds like a condiment!" I said: "'White Bone Essence, as the name suggests, is an elf made from white bones trained under high temperature and high pressure in a suitable environment..." Eldest brother: "This elf is no fun! She specializes in sucking human brains for a living, and people in the Jianghu gave her the nickname 'Cannibal Bones! By the way, master, you will definitely be disappointed when you meet this monster..." Master: "Say I'm brainless, you stinky monkey! Hurry up and get something to eat, or I won't tie your shoelaces for you tomorrow when I get angry." Teng" and returned to the original place.

Senior brother: "No, now that I'm leaving, what if the white bone spirit comes to trouble you?" Wouldn’t it be alright to just come back?” Eldest brother: “Ok! I’m leaving right now... We’ll have dinner here in three days.” I said, "Fuck! You'd better find a way before leaving." Big brother: "Well, I'll build a wall to surround you." The second brother: "When you build the wall, I'm afraid everyone's legs will be hungry!" The first brother: "Okay, it seems that I am forced to do a unique job! Look! I use this to draw a big circle on the ground , you just need to stay in the circle and wait for me to come back, I guarantee you are all right!"

The elder brother really drew a big circle on the ground, and we walked in. Master: "Wukong, what did you use to draw the circle? It seems very fun!" Elder brother: "Ahaha, this is the legendary 'Super Invincible Thunderbolt Killing Cockroach Pen! This pen is harmless to humans and animals, and it is designed to kill cockroaches and ants. Wait for the reptiles! It is easy to use and has remarkable effects, and the pests will die as soon as they touch it. Usually put it in the shoes, and it also has the effect of sterilizing, deodorizing and treating athlete’s foot. Ten minutes after the big brother left, a PPMM walked up to us with a basket.

PPMM: "May I ask a few big brothers... Oh! No, may I ask a few objects, how can I get to Rome?" Master: "Girl, you are really asking the right person. As the saying goes, all roads lead to Rome. Come, let me show you..." PPMM: "Although I have a poor sense of direction, I also know that Rome will not be in the sky!" The master withdrew his finger and said, "Oh, benefactor, what is in your basket are buns? There are pork and cabbage stuffing, and celery. Egg stuffed..." PPMM: "The elder really has boundless powers, he can even guess the stuffing of the buns in the little girl's basket!"

Master: "Bajie, don't eat it, it's already the sixth one." PPMM: "Elders, if you are hungry, take it and eat it, but I hope you, the master, will come and pick it up yourself." The master walked out of the circle with joyful steps, and sang as he walked: "Only I am the most swaying... Oh! Oh!" At the moment the master walked to PPMM, the elder brother's voice suddenly came from the air: " Oops! Not good..." Immediately he threw down the golden cudgel, smashing PPMM to death... Master: "Wukong, you pay! You pay! It doesn't count if you beat the girl to death and turn the buns into toads!"

I said: "Master, you are wrong to blame the elder brother. The elder brother has sharp eyes. He must have seen that the girl was a goblin before beating her to death." Master: "Let me spare you this time, it depends on what you get to eat, wow! It's fried rice! There are eggs in it." Dead man, it doesn't matter whether PPMM is a human or a demon at this moment. After dinner, I asked my elder brother: "Your eyes are getting stronger and stronger. That woman is a goblin. I was almost blinded by her. Tell me about your feelings at that time." Elder brother: "I'm really sorry. , I was not sure at the time, so I just admired the neckline of that girl on it, but I didn’t expect the white-faced donkey to sing suddenly, I shuddered, and the stick fell..."

April 22 This morning, before we left the prairie, the master asked me to make him a garland of flowers and wear it on his bald head, very proud of it. At this time, an old woman came. The old woman: "This eldest sister on the horse, have you seen my daughter?" Master: "What does your daughter look like?" The old woman: "She's very pretty, with a pumpkin seed face, and she's carrying a basket with steamed stuffed buns in it." Master: "I didn't see it, we only saw a bun carrying a basket, and there was a girl in the basket." The old woman: "Ah? What is this? Isn't this my daughter's basket! Say, what have you done to my daughter?"

Master: "Oh, Wukong, why are you still holding his basket after you beat him to death?" Senior brother: "I'm also doing this for the cause of environmental protection. What a meaningful thing." The old woman: "What, you...you killed my daughter, I will fight with you!" Master: "Hey, old lady, did you make a mistake? It was that monkey that killed your daughter. Why did you bite me?" The old woman: "I don't care, I can't beat him, I can only bite you." Master: "Damn it! Wukong, throw the golden hoop on her head." Big Brother: "Got it, I'll throw it away!" Master: "Okay! I'm reciting the mantra, so I won't accept gifts this year, no gifts, no gifts." The old woman: "I... ah!" The old woman was chanted to death by the curse. Master: "Did you see, am I easy to bully? You don't pay for your life, you don't pay for your life, you don't pay for your life!" Children, have you seen it?Don't be fooled by other people's superficial phenomena! Because this world is too impermanent. April 23 Finally out of the prairie, there is a family on the edge of the prairie, we walked over to ask for a glass of water to quench our thirst. "Bang bang bang", the second senior brother knocked on the door, but no one answered for a long time. Master: "Use this." The master rang the bell on the door. Host: "Who is it?" Master: "We are monks from the Tang Dynasty in the Eastern Land. My name is Tang Sanzang. Everyone calls me Xiao Sanzi. I want to come in and ask for a glass of water." Owner: "Oh, wait a minute, I'm pooping." Ten minutes later, the door opened, and an old man stood inside the door. Old man: "Please come in, please sit down, please drink tea." Master: "Old man, if you say that, we are too busy." Old man: "Are you guys from the east?" Master: "Yes." Old man: "Then did you see an old woman and a young girl?" Master: "I guarantee with my personality, the few of us definitely didn't see it." The old man: "Oh, my daughter left relatives and didn't come back for two days. My wife went to look for her, but she hasn't come back yet." Master: "I'm afraid it was eaten by wild animals." The old man: "You crow's mouth! Why didn't I eat you." Master: "Drink tea, drink tea." The old man: "Hey? What are you wearing on your feet? Aren't these my wife's shoes. You... what did you do to them?" Master: "Wukong, I really don't know what to say about you, it's not that you don't have shoes, why are you wearing dead people's shoes?" Eldest brother: "I think these shoes are finely crafted, beautiful in style, and very comfortable to wear. It's a pity to lose them?" Old man: "Huh? You killed my wife and daughter? I'll fight with you!" Master: "Hey, old man, you made a mistake, he is the one who wears your wife's shoes, why are you pinching me?" Old man: "I don't care, I will pinch whoever rings the doorbell." Master: "I rely on ness! Do you think I'm easy to bully? Wujing, take my guy." I said, "Master, get on with the guy." Master: "I will fight! I will fight! I will fight!" The old man: "I..." Master: "Thanks to my weapon, it was custom-made in Chenjia Village last time, it fits very well, hahahaha..." Second senior brother: "What a copper hammer!" At this time, the old man's body suddenly spun, and a female goblin in white came out of the old man's body. Master: "I'm afraid this is the white bone spirit you mentioned, I'll hammer it again!" White Bone Spirit: "The world is unpredictable!" After the banshee died, she became a pile of bones. Eldest brother: "Master, you killed two people in a row and deceived us with blindfolded methods. As a Buddhist disciple, I really can't tolerate your actions. We don't care about you anymore. You can go." Master: "Wukong, you have seen it too, this is clearly a goblin, please forgive me once." Eldest brother: "Stop quibbling, my Buddha has compassion in mind, and the quartet of Buddhist scriptures cannot have someone like you." At this time, a yellow cloth floated down from the sky, the senior brother caught it and said: "By God's blessing, the Buddha said, Tang Sanzang is a murderer, so he should be sent back to his hometown immediately." Eldest brother: "See, the sky is hard for you, I'm sorry, goodbye!" Master: "Okay, Wukong, but before I go, I want to kiss each of you one last time." Second senior brother: "Ahem, monkey, let the master stay." I said: "Yes, yes! After the master is gone, there will be no one to mend your socks." Eldest Brother: "No, don't you want to go on a horse? I'm going crazy!" Master: "Wukong, it's too inhuman for you to drive me away just because of this. Big deal, you ride the white dragon horse one, three, five, and I ride two, four, six." One day off." Master: "We ride together on Sunday." Big brother: "Okay, you don't have to go." White Dragon Horse: "..." May 1 Today, Heavenly Court sent an envoy down. Envoy: "Hello everyone, I am the tax envoy of Heavenly Court." Second brother: "Tax shit? What do you want from us?" Envoy: "Damn it! It's an envoy, not a shit... Ok? You haven't paid all kinds of taxes to the Heavenly Court for two years, and the Jade Emperor ordered me to urge you to pay them." Master: "We don't enjoy the heavenly salary, so what taxes and fees do we have to pay?" Envoy: "You can't say that. Everyone needs to consume while they are alive. Naturally, they have to pay taxes if they consume." Master: "What taxes do we have to pay?" Envoy: "Twenty taels for road maintenance, twenty taels for construction of the Fourth Ring Road, twenty taels for water, twenty taels for frequency occupation, twenty taels for domestic garbage disposal..." Senior brother: "Tch, you didn't build the roads, so why collect taxes?" Envoy: "That's wrong. The whole earth was created by the heavens. Do you want to pay taxes?" The second senior brother: "What frequency occupation fee is that, what is it?" Envoy: "You often ask people from Heaven to come down to help, which takes up their daily work time, so you have to charge for it." Master: "Oh, we don't have so much silver." Envoy: "I don't care, you pawned your luggage today and have to hand it over!" I said: "Master Envoy, can you accommodate me for a few days?" Envoy: "No, how much money do you have?" Master: "It adds up to fifty taels." Envoy: "So little? Do you want an invoice?" Master: "Of course." The envoy: "If you want an invoice, you have to pay it quickly. If you don't want an invoice, you can pay fifty taels." I said, "Master, it's useless for us to ask for an invoice. Let fifty taels be fifty taels." Master: "Okay, here, fifty taels. But you have to write me a receipt." Envoy: "No problem." Master: "You won't harm us, will you? Don't let someone come to us asking for money in a few days, it will be broken." Envoy: "Don't worry, I will take people's money and help them eliminate disasters. Okay, that's it, I'm leaving... By the way, I almost forgot. Next month, remember to bring the white dragon horse to the Heavenly Court to register and get a license." Bai Longma: "Damn it, horses also need a license?" Envoy: "Yes, are you upset? We will have annual inspections every year in the future. Goodbye." May 3 Recently, the second brother has practiced a kind of hippo boxing. This kind of punch is extremely lethal, and most people will be dealt with within three seconds. First, the second senior brother smoked his opponent to the ground with his breath. Then, get on your stomach and crush your opponent. Such a vicious move, to practice this boxing, you must first practice your breath. How to practice tone? First, eat more onions and garlic; Second, stuffing socks in mouth while sleeping; Third, never brush your teeth. Children, you can try it at home, and when you have almost practiced, you can use your parents as an experiment, yay! May 5 Today is my idol's twenty-sixth birthday.I am so happy for him! It is not easy to survive twenty-six years in this dangerous living environment. Let's wish him every year on the way to the west, and every year have the present!A step up in appearance!I wish the old man good luck and the sky, and life is boundless and joyful! May 8 Today we are walking on a bustling exotic street. There was a blind man next to the street under the guise of "pinching a half-immortal". Blind man: "A few friends who have come from afar, let's do some divination. I will know the future and fate with a single calculation." Zilong: "Feudal superstition is not credible." Blind man: "How many of you are going to the west to learn Buddhist scriptures?" Master: "Hey, can you count this?" Blind man: "I also know that you are a very handsome monk." Master (get off the horse): "The old man is really a half-immortal, can you give me a fortune teller?" Blind man: "Yes, five taels of silver is a hexagram." Master: "Here's the money." Blind man: "What do you want to be?" Master: "I want to know what I will look like in twenty years?" Blind man: "This is simple, please hold this crystal bone-piercing magic ball with both hands." Master: "What kind of crystal bone-piercing magic ball, isn't it just a big glass marble." Blind man: "Stop talking nonsense, praise you if you are told." Master: "Okay, I will hold it." Blind man: "The sky is dark, the wild is vast, the wind blows the grass and the cattle and sheep are low...Look!" The crystal ball pops up and the image appears. Everyone hurriedly looked at it, wow, it turned out that the inside of the crystal ball was the scene of the master selling eggs in the heaven twenty years later. Senior brother: "Master, your future is not a dream. I'll try it too, and the blind man will give you money." Blind man: "The sky is dark, the wild is vast, the wind blows the grass and the grass looks down on the cattle and sheep... Look!" In the crystal ball, there is a scene of the elder brother juggling in the heaven twenty years later. Second Senior Brother: "Haha, monkey, your future is not a dream, it's my turn." Blind man: "The sky is dark, the wild is vast, the wind blows and the grass looks down on cattle and sheep... Look!" Immediately in the crystal ball appeared the wretched image of the second senior brother reselling pirated CDs in the heaven twenty years later. I said: "Second brother, your future is not a dream, hey, look at me." Blind man: "The sky is dark, the wild is vast, the wind blows the grass and the grass looks low... Look!" Oh my god, the scene of me teaching and educating people in the heaven 20 years later appeared in the crystal ball. How could I become a teacher? ?The image is too brilliant, ahaha! Finally, under the threat of everyone, Zilong also touched the crystal ball.Unbelievably, 20 years later, Zilong will be the chancellor of the heavenly court, and Chichimi will be his teacher. Oh, My nose, are these real? I forgot to see which subject I teach. I think it should be dance. May 12 Another big river blocked our way.Ask the boatman, the boatman said this is the Yangtze River. When the boat approached the north bank, a dozen small boats piled up with straw came into our eyes. Master: "Boatman, they seem to be very serious about transporting straw." Boatman: "Elder, don't you know, there is going to be a war. Sun Ce, the ruler of the Wu Kingdom in the south of the Yangtze River, was debauched and made people live in dire straits. Cao Cao on the north bank resolutely attacked Sun in order to save the suffering people on the south bank. Cao Cao's army arrived at the riverside because The soldiers in the north were not familiar with water, so they had to tie up big boats and let the soldiers practice on them. These small boats filled with straw were the idea of ​​Zhuge Liang, the military adviser invited by Sun Ce. They wanted to take advantage of the fog on the river , so that Cao Jun mistook it for the enemy and shot it, and then Sun Ce's Wu Jun shot a good harvest of arrows on the haystack. Look, the arrows are almost full again." The second brother: "That ' Zhu Geliang is too cunning." Master: "Brothers, why don't we help Cao Cao win this war? With our looks and strength, we will definitely make that so-called 'pig leather' shine." So, we came to Cao Jun camp.When Cao Cao heard that someone was coming to help him, his jaw almost dropped, and he rushed out of the bedroom without thinking about putting on his shoes. Military division: "My lord, it's really disrespectful for you to run out like this." Cao Cao: "It doesn't matter. I just want to show the world that I, Cao Cao, regard talents as gods. If I don't wear shoes, it shows that I am eager for talent." Come out." Cao Cao: "Oh, sorry, wait a minute..." Cao Cao came back after a while. Cao Cao: "I heard, how many of you want to help me defeat Wu?" Master: "That's right, all of my apprentices possess special skills." Cao Cao: "Oh, can I have a look at the show?" Master: "Please look!" The eldest brother came on stage, took out the golden cudgel and made it into a suitable size, and then quickly rolled out the dumpling wrappers. The second senior brother came on the stage, took out the nine-toothed rake and skillfully cut the large sheet of dough into noodles. Then I went on the stage, I took out the crescent shovel, and quickly fried the noodles in the pot into fried noodles. Cao Cao: "Well, you should report to the cooking class." Master: "They were joking with you. When I came here today, I saw that Wu Jun used a straw boat to cheat you of a lot of arrows." Cao Cao: "Oh, shit, fuck, no, no wonder they keep feigning and not attacking these days, ah, it's a trick." Zilong: "I have a way to break it." Cao Cao: "Please tell me." Zilong: "Shoot it with a rocket." Master: "It's more enjoyable to use missiles." Cao Cao: "You bald sweet potato, what nonsense are you talking about? My little friend, I agree with your suggestion. You are really smart. Military commander, send an order to shoot rockets whenever you see enemy ships." Master: "Actually, each of us can come up with unique tricks to defeat the enemy." Zilong: "Prime Minister Fuck, you have fixed the big ships together, which is really a big taboo in the use of troops." Cao Cao: "Why?" Zilong: "If the enemy attacked with fire, wouldn't you all be roasted ducks?" Cao Cao: "Yes, why didn't I think of it? Tang Sanzang, with your wisdom, how do you solve this problem?" Master: "Hey, if they use fire to burn, then I will spray it with a fire extinguisher." Cao Cao: "Screw you! You use a fire extinguisher to put out the fire, and the enemy just stabs you in the rectum with a red-tasseled gun. Idiot, let this kid give you a countermeasure." Zilong: "According to common sense, we have to separate the ships as soon as possible, but now we have to formulate countermeasures according to the actual situation. Chichimi, you fly across the river and go to the Wu army camp to find out the news." The carapace flew away with a "teng". May 13 This afternoon, while we were eating, the carapace flew back.We immediately took it to Cao Cao's big tent. Master: "Yo, you are indeed in the mosquito net." Cao Cao: "I'm sorry, I was sleepwalking last night. I drove more than 30 miles on the mountain road and didn't sleep well. Oh, the carapace is back. Let me tell you about the situation of the enemy army." Chichimi: "Yesterday I was hiding in the enemy's tent and saw Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang doing their homework." Master: "I am surprised." Chichimi: "But I was not deceived by the false appearance, and continued to peek. Sure enough, Zhou Yu suggested that each of them write down the strategy of breaking Cao on their hands, and then shouted one, two, three, and showed them together. After Zhuge Liang finished writing, he called 'one, two, three' , he showed his palms, the despicable Zhou Yu wiped off the words written by Zhuge Liang after seeing the words written by Zhuge Liang, and then copied Zhuge Liang’s. --Korean BBQ." Chef: "What, Korean BBQ? Are they crazy hungry?" Cao Cao: "This is the password, it must be to roast our army." Zilong: "Yes, it seems that my worry is right. I have a plan, but I'm afraid it won't work." Cao Cao: "How?" Zilong: "It's the middle of May, and the wind must be blowing from south to north. And our army is on the north bank, so it's easy for the enemy to burn our army. But if the wind blows south before they light the fire..." Cao Cao: "This is difficult. Where is the north wind in May?" Master: "That's not a problem. Ask my big apprentice to borrow a plantain fan. One fan is ok. Not only can it fan out the north wind, but also any tornado, fresh and natural wind..." Cao Cao: "The banana fan? It's a legend. Produced by the No. 6 Harbinger Magic Treasure Factory in China? I heard it’s very powerful. Elder Lao Sun will also come.” Eldest brother: “Okay, I’ll just make a trip. But, Lao Cao, how can you thank me after it’s done?” me?" Cao Cao: "If the elder can borrow the precious fan to help me defeat Wu successfully, I will betroth my little girl Cao Ying to you, how about it?" Senior brother: "That's not necessary, you just need to let Hua Tuo go." Cao Cao: "Come on, let Hua Tuo go, and tell him not to drink and drive again." Soldier: "Yes!" Eldest brother: "My grandson is going too! Also—————(echo)" May 15 Tonight, the spies came to report: "Prime Minister, something is wrong, the eldest wife and sixth aunt are fighting!" Cao Cao: "Good fight!" Another spy came to report: "Prime Minister, something is wrong, the fourth concubine's father is dead!" Cao Cao: "Good death!" The spies came to report again: "Prime Minister, something is wrong, a pig was lost in the pigsty!" Cao Cao: "Good loss!" Another spy came to report: "Prime Minister, something is wrong, Sun Ce's army has started to set us on fire!" Cao Cao: "It's burning well! Well, damn it, the enemy army is coming, go and invite Elder Sun quickly." Eldest brother: "Old Cao, don't worry, I'm here. Okay, I'll go and slap those little turtles to death." Eggy, my grandson will go too!" ... Three minutes later, the spies came to report: "The enemy army has been wiped out." Cao Cao: "Good job, wait for me to lead an army to kill the generals, wow!" In this way, we helped Cao Cao destroy the state of Wu. Children, see it.As long as we're here, there's nothing we can't do. May 18 Friends, do you still watch A? What impressed me most about A-A was that the players refused to accept anyone.Don't you see, those players with such a low level raise their hands high on the court, why are they raising their hands?One is to show the referee that he is innocent; the other is to show that the opponent has already fouled, and it doesn't count if he enters. How did these scumbags become like this?They are not very old, but the word honesty can no longer be seen in their eyes, and they have become the rascals I hated the most when I was young. The rule of those rambunctious ghosts: Everyone else is wrong, everyone else is worse than me; even if you are wrong, you must find a grandiose reason first. One of my favorite things to watch when I was a kid was to see those rascals get slapped in the face by the teacher.Fan, fan, fan... so enjoyable! May 22 It was rather hot at noon today, so the second senior brother unbuttoned his clothes, exposing his big belly to enjoy the cool air. The master went over, patted the second brother's belly and said, "Hehe, what a big piece of pork belly!" The elder brother has been learning Chinese characters in recent days, and it is said that he has made some achievements. He said: "The meat of pork belly, is it the meat next to the dog?" Everyone "haha" laughed at the elder brother. Big Brother: "Haha, Bajie. Everyone is laughing at your belly." The second brother: "Everyone is laughing at you, there are meat and anti-dogs, idiot!" Master: "By the way, how about we make a game?" Everyone: "Yes! Yes!" Master: "I say a word, and then the next person will use the last word of this word as the first word of the next word, do you understand?" Senior brother: "I don't understand your words at all. What are the words?" The master made Zilong spend a lot of effort to make him a dead monkey understand, so the game began. Master: "Guanyin." Zilong: "Sound, music." Shellfish: "Music, sheet music." Me: "Compose, compose." Second Senior Brother: "Write, write." Bai Longma: "Words, copybooks." Big brother: "Post, post." Master: "Son, bullet." Zilong: "Slingshot, slingshot." Carapace Mi: "Bow, bow back." Me: "Back, back." Second senior brother: "Back, behind." Bai Longma: "Noodles, noodles." Eldest brother: "Tiao... Tiaozi." Master: "Smelly monkey, can you change it to something else, don't use 'subgroup words! Son, child." Zilong: "Female, female devil." Chichimi: "Demon, witch." Me: "Female, female devil." Second senior brother: "Demon, witch." Master: "Bai Longma, if you pick up the 'female devil again, I'll tie your tail into a knot!" White Dragon Horse: "Female, female." Big brother: "Sex... sex..." Master: "Damn, it's really mentally handicapped, not a disease, it's terrible to be weak. Don't use ' to form words again, yes, understand." Zilong: "Solution, solve the problem." Chichimi: "Problem, problem solution." Me: "Solution, answer." Second senior brother: "Answer, yes." White Dragon Horse: "Yes, yes." Eldest brother: "...Dang...dang... Loudly...yeah!" Everyone: "$%^#%@!" advertise Drive a Buffalo tractor... Be an urban gangster! ——Tractor tractor factory May 29 Today, we walked to the blue sea, the sea breeze was blowing, the waves were a little bit, and the scenery was beautiful. Eldest brother: "Be good, what a big ditch." Zilong: "Uncle, this is the sea. This sea is called the Tianzhu Ocean." Master: "Tianzhuyang? So, the other side of the sea is Tianzhu?" Zilong: "Over the sea is Australia." Master: "No way, then this sea should be called Australia Ocean. Where did Tianzhu fly?" Zilong: "Tianzhu is right behind us." Master: "Oh, we have already passed through Tianzhu? It's a sin, the one who collected the waste yesterday may be the Buddha." The second brother: "Master, don't be sad. Anyway, we have youth and physical strength. Why don't we go for a swim in the blue sea and go back?" Master: "Yes, I haven't had a chance to wear the swimsuit I bought last year. Okay. , go for a swim." So we ran to the embrace of the sea. Master: "Oh, it's so comfortable. Hey? Zilong, don't make trouble, don't pull my leg. Huh? Who turned off the light?" The second senior brother: "Look, the master has been swallowed by an octopus. The scene is so exciting! Master, don't be afraid, I will save you." The master came out of the octopus and said, "Thank you, Bajie, there are some in the sea who want to eat me. Hey? Bajie, don't you feel awkward like this?" Second Senior Brother: "No!" Master: "I don't believe you don't feel uncomfortable swimming in a suit?" At this time, I heard the big brother shouting: "Come and see, I caught a big fish!" What an unlucky submarine, caught as a fish by the big brother. Master: "Okay, let's get here in a few days. Let's compete to see who can swim to the shore first. Whoever swims first will not have to wash their own clothes. Okay, get ready—start!" The second brother: "You think we are stupid, you are standing on the shore, you are more like a bird." Zilong: "Hey? Uncle, what are you doing? Why are you so still?" Eldest brother: "Well... I'm farting, hey... ah, it's so cool!" I saw a large piece of blisters gushing out from under the surface of the water, and then the stench came in. Big brother: "I really like the feeling of farting in the water, when the fart bubbles stick to the buttocks and pop out of the water... that feeling is really cool, wow haha!" Zi Long:"……" June 2 In the evening, I sat by the fire and mended my socks. Zilong: "Uncle, go and see, what is Second Uncle doing?" Together with the master, we walked to the side of the second senior brother, and saw that he had built a fire and was desperately absorbing the smoke from the fire. Master: "Bajie, are you hungry? There are still some steamed buns in the bag, you can eat them. Smoking can't fill you up. Alas, Bajie is so pitiful." The second senior brother: "Master, you don't know something. Recently, I found that throwing the leaves of a local plant into the fire and inhaling the smoke is very refreshing. After I smoked it, my whole heart flew up, as if wearing a The feeling of running on the scarf on the beach." Master: "It really has such an effect?" Second senior brother: "If you don't believe me, you can try." The master took a deep breath: "Ah bah! Cough cough! What, it almost choked me to death. You pigheaded, dare to tease the teacher, you will be fined to carry luggage for three days." Master is wise! June 9 The master has been smoking that cigarette for a week. Master: "Bajie, hurry up, go and help me find some more of those leaves. I need it so much, I'm so fascinated! If you can't find it, I will punish you to carry luggage!" June 16 Another week has passed. Master: "It's okay if I kneel down and beg you, go find that life-saving leaf and give it to me. Bajie, I'll help you lead the horse, Wukong, I'll help you melt your fast. Wujing, I'll help you carry your luggage, Chichimi, I'll help you fly. In short, find me quickly, if you can't find me, you will die." Children, you have seen it.You can't smoke casually, because tobacco leaves are really hard to get. June 25 Although we have already arrived in Tianzhu, we can't find Xitian Paradise, which makes us anxious. Master: "Tianzhu is so big, it is really difficult to find where the Buddha is." Senior brother: "Tianzhu is full of cows, why don't you ask them?" Master: "You're stupid again, aren't you? Can a cow talk?" Cow: "Moo - I know, I won't tell you. I won't tell you, la la la..." Master: "Damn, Tianzhu's cows are very attractive! Tathagata is too mean! He hides cats and cats with us! Brothers, let's hide too, so that Tianzhu hair-haired men can't find them!" The second senior brother: "The Tathagata will definitely see us, we have to find a way to lure them out." Me: "How can I attract them?" Eldest brother: "We can disturb the public order in Tianzhu, let's see if he comes out." Master: "No, this will affect our image a lot. I have an idea, let's put some delicious cheese on the mousetrap, hehe, to lure them out." The second senior brother: "Idiot, the Tathagata is not a rat. I have a solution. Let's draw a few nude portraits of the Tathagata and post them everywhere to see if he can come out?" Everyone: "Ok!" So we drew many nude portraits of Tathagata and posted them on the streets. June 26 Early in the morning, Tathagata appeared before us, holding his portrait in his hand. Tathagata: "You are so skinny, if you can't find me, you will damage my image, it's vicious!" Master: "I thought you would keep hiding regardless of face?" Tathagata: "I'm scared. If I don't come out again, I'm afraid you will draw all the nude pictures of the five hundred arhats and Guanyin." Master: "Take us to get scriptures quickly." Tathagata: "Think beautifully!" Master: "Bajie, prepare to paint according to the Tathagata." Tathagata: "Okay, okay, let me tell you a clue. If you want to enter the Paradise of Ultimate Bliss, you must first find a magical seed." The Tathagata said that after riding the mop, it will disappear with a sound of "Teng". June 28 After searching for two days, I still couldn't find the miraculous seed that the Tathagata said, and everyone was a little discouraged. When the master saw someone, he asked, "May I ask if you are that magical seed?" Others scolded: "You are full, do you have a handsome seed like me?" Just when we were confused, an old woman came slowly. The old woman: "You guys are so ugly, and you walk around our village every day, making me dizzy." Master: "Are you a magic seed?" The old woman: "Plant your head. If the Tathagata won't let me tell you about the seeds, I will definitely not tell you. You are miserable, you should go back." Master: "The Tathagata is really poisonous. Since you didn't tell us, we have no choice but to leave." Old woman: "Goodbye." Zilong: "Uncle, how can we leave? She knows the whereabouts of the seeds." Master: "It's useless to know, Tathagata won't let her tell us." Everyone: "#$@%^$#!" 我们一哄而上，将老太婆按倒在地，师傅用脚踩住她的脸说：“刚才差点儿让你蒙过去啊，快说，种子在哪里? ” 老太婆：“就是不说，踩死我吧，踩死我就没人知道种子在我家里了。” 二师兄：“看来如来安排个美丽与智慧并残的人来对付我们呀。大妈，你今年可有四十？” 老太婆：“我都七十啦。” 二师兄：“你骗我，哪有七十岁的老太太皮肤还这么光滑有弹性呀，踩上去的感觉和二十多岁的差不多。” 老太婆：“呵呵，是吗，平时保养得好啊。” 二师兄：“我师傅对美容也有研究，不如让他到你家教你一些护肤的秘方？” 老太婆：“好啊，好啊，我家就在旁边，走！” 我们来到老太婆的家里，师傅拖住她。我们几个分头找种子。 师傅：“你怎么认识如来的呢？” 老太婆：“我是他表姐啊。” 师傅：“不会吧，佛表姐？当时我的脚一踩到您脸上就觉得踩的不是一般人，还望海涵。” 老太婆：“哎，你们几个是在找种子吧？那头猪，你家的种子有放在被窝里的吗？还有那个猴子，种子会放在针线包里吗？你们不要忘啦，那可是颗神奇的种子也，不一定就是……就是普通种子的模样……” 子龙：“请老奶奶明示。” 老太婆：“比如我的拖鞋就有可能是颗种子哩。” 师傅：“哈哈，种下去一定能长棵拖鞋树。佛表姐，你好有创意！” 大师兄：“那可就难找喽。” 子龙：“怎么会难找呢？这个屋子除了被窝、针线包、拖鞋，不就还剩下那个咸鸭蛋了嘛。” 老太婆：“乖乖，我的亲娘哟，藏得这么隐蔽都被他找到了哇，这哪里是小孩啊， 简直就是小孩中的极品，孩中之孩，简称孩中孩。太聪敏了，我佩服。” 我说：“如果这个咸鸭蛋就是神奇的种子的话，那如来肯定是让我们找到种子后就种下去。” 师傅：“长棵咸鸭蛋树？更有创意，耶！” 晚上觉觉前，我们把那个咸鸭蛋种到地里，浇好水，等待着明天发生奇迹。 June 29 奇迹如期而至，早上，师傅一推开门。 哇，好大一棵树！鸭蛋的祝福……乖乖隆地咚！这么高的树耶！直插云霄，树上还结满了咸鸭蛋。 老太婆：“爬吧，极乐世界就在上头。” 师傅：“如来每次上去也是用爬的吗？” 老太婆：“是啊。一开始他每次上去要用三个月，后来爬熟练了，半天就上去了。” 师傅：“这只老猴子，兄弟们，我们撤！” 子龙：“怎么能撤？好不容易胜利就在面前啦。如来那么肥硕，半天就可以爬上去，我们加把油一定能上去。 ” 大师兄：“我同意，爬树虽然是我的弱项，但是事已至此，不得不豁出去了。” 我说：“那些行李怎么办？我又不能背着它们爬树。” 甲壳咪：“行李我包啦。” 我说：“甲壳咪你行吗？这可是上天去，不是闹着玩的。” 甲壳咪：“没问题，天天拖着八戒飞都不觉得什么啦。” 这时，就听到有人在哭，大家一看，原来是白龙马。 白龙马：“呜呜呜，有谁见过马上树啊？” 甲壳咪：“白龙马，不要哭。我拖着你飞上去。” 白龙马：“谢谢你甲壳咪。” 于是我们和佛表姐告辞，开始爬树。 July 27 太阳当空照，花儿对我笑，小鸟说：“早早早，你为什么爬上这树梢……” 我们都爬了一个月了，还是望不到顶。一路上以咸鸭蛋充饥，咸得大家都说不出话来了。 师傅：“爬了那么久，你变了没有，现在我有点儿怀疑那个老太婆的话了，她别不是骗我们的吧。” 二师兄：“我看也玄乎，上当啦。走，我们回去找老太婆算账。” 就听下面老太婆骂道：“一群废物，爬了一个月，还没有超过我的房顶。还好意思瞎吵吵，继续爬！我在下面用皮筋做个弹弓，射你们屁股。” December 29 整整爬了半年，今天，我们终于来到了西天极乐世界！ ! ! 好快乐呀！几年的辛酸劳累都化做无声的泪，我们激动得拥抱在一起。 我仔细看了一下这里，哇噻est！比天庭干净多啦，地上没有烟头和纸屑，更没有烦人的口香糖渣，到处都是食物！连房子都是用巧克力做的，到处都是好玩的，到处都是我偶像的玉照，太极乐啦，太糜烂啦！ 几位身姿曼妙的天使MM接待员领着我们去了佛祖的候客室。 师傅：“小姐，你贵姓？我叫唐枫浩南，交个朋友吧。” 天使：“我叫喜儿，因为爹爹欠了如来的钱，到期没还，就把我抵债到这当接待员啦。当当当，我就是那个姑娘。” 师傅：“看来人间正道是沧桑啊。” 天使让我们沐浴更衣，然后再去佛殿，我们像下饺子一样跳入如来豪华的浴池。 师傅：“子龙，来帮小叔我搓搓背。” 子龙：“哎呀，好多泥条条啊！” 二师兄：“靠，如来这儿够奢侈的啊，全套韩国的洗浴设备，有桑拿还有芬兰浴也。” 大师兄：“大家现在知道如来他们的生活有多腐朽了吧，不过，我喜欢！” 洗完澡，大师兄站在秤上一称：“咦，怎么洗个澡竟然轻了二十多斤？” 我说：“猴子，你看看浴池里那泥汤就知道怎么回事啦。” 师傅：“哦耶！刚才用那个滑溜溜的块块洗澡，好舒服！好多泡泡！现在身上还留着清香哩。咦？那个块块怎么不见啦？” 大师兄：“是不是那个白乎乎、粘搭搭的块块？闻起来味道还可以，没想到吃起来那么难吃。” 天使妹妹带我们来到大殿。 五百罗汉：“升堂—— ” 如来：“你们瞎喊什么，请取经人进殿！” 五百罗汉一人喊一个字：“请——取——经——人——进——殿——殿——殿——（殿×500次）喊完收工！” 如来：“拜托你们不要在外人面前搞这种低级的飞机好不好。” 师傅上前：“我祖如来，我们几人历经磨难，今天终于来到了西天，见到阁下，非常亲切。此时此刻，我们的心情难以形容，正所谓是，看今朝，想当年，我此起彼伏……老大，我苦啊！到现在还没有媳妇啊。” 我们也跟着哭起来，太不容易了。三年多，我们风餐露宿，历经坎坷，为的就是这一天。尽管大家也不知道这究竟又是为了什么。 如来：“不好哭啦，唐三藏上前听封……封你为'白面秃驴佛，哦，不好意思，叫习惯了。咳咳，封你为'降龙罗汉果。” 师傅：“降龙罗汉就降龙罗汉，为什么还要在后面加个'果？” 如来：“加个果，表示你已经修成正果。孙悟空，上前听封……封你为'阶级斗争猴中猴！” 大师兄：“谢谢佛祖，我主要管什么？” 如来：“主管阶级斗争，猪八戒，上前听封……封你为'超级无敌霹雳猪中猪！” 二师兄：“老大对我真照顾，名字都比他们长啊。” 如来：“沙悟净，上前听封……封你为'西天无厘报主编。” 我说：“多谢佛祖，还知道我有这爱好呀。” 如来：“白龙马，上前听封……封你为七龙珠之'怎样都可以龙！” 白龙马：“吁，谢啦！” 如来：“子龙，甲壳咪上前听封……封子龙为'天庭自由超孩，甲壳咪为子龙做军师！” 子龙：“多谢佛祖。” 大家都封了官，心潮很澎湃。 二师兄：“猴哥，你头上在发光也！” 大师兄：“那是当然。成佛了嘛，头上有点儿佛光很正常。” 二师兄：“除了光，好像还有烟也。” 大师兄：“哇靠，烫死我了，哪个不要脸的往我头上扔烟头！” ... 如来：“好了，罗汉们，不要闹了。藏经阁使者，你带他们去拿经书吧！” 使者：“Sure! ” 于是我们跟着两位藏经阁使者来到了藏经楼。 使者：“掏钱吧。” 大师兄：“什么？” 使者：“掏钱吧。” 大师兄：“什么？” 使者：“叫你们掏钱给我们。” 大师兄：“啊，什么？我听不到也。” 使者：“我们掏钱给你们。” 大师兄：“好哇！” 使者：“耶，露馅了吧，经书不是白给的。” 师傅：“我们没钱，不给我们经书，我们马上就走，反正那玩意也没什么用。” 使者：“哎？别忙着走呀，好不容易来一趟，就算买个纪念品回去嘛。没有钱，给值钱的东西也可以呀，比如金箍棒。” 师傅：“没有，我们走。” 使者：“好，好，没有值钱的，给点儿不用的东西也行。当当当，我知道这样不好，也知道你的爱只能那么少……我只有不停地要，要到你想逃……” 二师兄：“我穿过的内裤有几条，你们要不要？” 使者：“要，可以做拖把呢。” 师傅：“你瞧你们的德行。连内裤都要，真是丢人啊，我这儿有一堆化妆品瓶子，你们拿去当废玻璃卖了吧。” 使者：“谢谢啊！” 我们把破烂都给了这两个使者，他们高兴得不得了，开始给我们抱出大摞的经书。 师傅：“这么多啊！有《大金刚经》《小金刚经》《中金刚经》《大变形金刚经》《小变形金刚经》《家家有本难念的经》《经中经》《生意经》《日经》……哟！还有《月经》， 真是拽死酷毙帅疯啦。” 使者：“是啊，你们统统拿走吧。” 师傅：“好吧。回去看看，不好看就擦屁屁用。” 我说：“师傅，我们取经结束了。每人说一句话吧。” 师傅：“好，我先说，取经真消魂啊， 欢迎大家来取经。” 大师兄：“自从我取了经，头不痛啦，腰不酸啦。连跳楼也有劲啦！” 二师兄：“取经虽然结束啦，但我的心和大家永远在一起。” 白龙马：“吁，朋友们，再见啦，我会想你们的！” 子龙和甲壳咪：“小朋友们，你们要好好学习天天向上，争取做个像林长治大哥哥那样人见人爱的好孩子！” 我说：“三年了，我的日记也要告一段落了，谢谢大家一直对我的支持和鼓励，我会再接再厉，写出更诱人更美味的作品给大家！” 取经全体：“祝大家——新年快乐，万事如意！” yeah! Bye-Bye! --Finish--