Chapter 69 suicide

Everyone said that Miss Huan had become more and more quiet recently, almost eccentric. She hides in her small bedroom all day, and never comes out easily except for meal time.And even if she showed her face occasionally during meal time, there was only a lonely smile on her lips to show that she was not angry, and she spoke very little as usual; Lively.Her gentle eyes are always focused on her own rice bowl, and sometimes a witty remark from her cousin will cause her to smile with her lips pursed, and she will look at him innocently, but there is still no words.Sometimes she was so teased that she had to speak. She was also very stingy like an old money fan with money. When one word was enough to express the meaning, she would never use two more.My cousin often teased her, saying that such words are "telegraphic style"; my aunt praised her for not being as noisy as the new women nowadays.But whether it was a joke or a compliment, what Miss Huan talked about instead of answering was still a smile full of thoughts.

The maids often used what Miss Huan was doing in the room as information for gossip.When hearing such discussions, the aunt always scolded: "Don't talk too much! Miss Huan is reading and writing in the room!" So the old aunt would think of her deceased brother, and the old aunt would appear in front of her eyes. Being entangled in books to the shadow of her yellow-faced and thin brother; so she moved Long Zhong's body and went to Miss Huan's room to see if her beloved niece was really too busy reading and writing there.And when she saw that Miss Huan got up from the bed to greet her sleepily, and saw that there were no books with colorful covers beside her pillow, the old lady felt relieved, and she often walked away without sitting for ten minutes. out. "Let her rest quietly for a while." The old aunt often said to herself and left Miss Huan.

Two children grabbed hold of the cousin at the corner of the skirt, and they often found time to come to Miss Huan's room once in a while.As usual, she threw herself into the wicker chair that Miss Huan used to sit on as if she was very tired, sighed, and then said with a smile: "It's really hard to eat. Oh, I'm bored." This was her opening speech. .So I continued with the account-reimbursing narration of housework: Ah Da, Ah Er, are going to make summer clothes; I just delivered the birthday gift of the old lady in the palace yesterday, and tomorrow will be a "good day" for Miss Li's family; maybe the day after tomorrow will be Encountering the funeral of the fourth aunt's paralyzed father-the doctor has already concluded that he will be sad tomorrow evening. "The only thing Mr. Huang can do is to determine when the patient will die, which is very accurate!" said the cousin, flipping through the few books that were piled up on the table as usual.Miss Huan always listened silently, until her cousin took another breath and came to her stereotyped conclusion: "So I'm at the end of my schoolbag, and I'll pay you back, Mr. Zi." Sometimes the cousin recited her poems. Just in the middle of the housework, if she suddenly remembered something, or heard the cries of the children, she would change the form of her conclusion: "If you have housework, read the end of the book, and you can't get it straight." The young lady often looked at her cousin's pretty back, and said softly: "It's okay not to look at it. It's just disturbing!"

Besides my aunt and cousin, it was the maid Ah Jin who came to Miss Huan's room more often.She has to come in every day to sweep the floor and treat her to dinner; she should understand Miss Huan's "deep boudoir" life better than others.So whenever the maids talked about Miss Huan in the kitchen, Ah Jin's opinion was very authoritative.Unfortunately, Ah Jin couldn't tell why; she could only negatively deny the old lady's so-called "Miss Huan is reading and writing"; she never once, at least in the past half a month, saw Miss Huan pick up a book and read it. Pen.Although when I went to sweep the floor in the morning, I occasionally found some small pieces of paper, torn into long and thin strips, and threw them at the foot of the desk. Only then did I realize that they were not words, but some unnamed pictures, some of which looked like human faces.

After fruitless discussions, Ah Jin would always shake his head and say, "Miss Huan is really a strange lady!" Perhaps my cousin's guess is the closest: One day, I happened to talk to my wife about Miss Huan, and he once said: "Look at that, it's a bit close to the so-called boredom." But why boredom?That is not only the cousin is completely at a loss, the cousin also finds it difficult to change the words.It is true that Miss Huan's parents died and she was homeless, but her aunt loves her so much, her cousin is her companion who grew up together since she was a child, and her cousin sister-in-law is extremely wise, and her aunt's home is also Miss Huan's home. It has been twenty years, why do you suddenly feel strange now?Therefore, if Miss Huan really felt depressed, her cousin and sister-in-law had reason to be sure that it was definitely not due to the feeling of drifting away.

"Probably thinking about the important things in my life." The cousin once reminded her husband of this meaning again.But thinking about it carefully, it's still not right.Both my aunt and cousin allowed Miss Huan to marry freely; my aunt had already prepared the dowry very carefully, so as long as Miss Huan had a crush, it would not be difficult to get married immediately.And Ms. Kuang Huan herself is not an old-fashioned lady who does not leave her boudoir. It turns out that it is common for her to go to the lake with her boyfriend and girlfriend. It is only in the past half a month that she is willing to confine herself in the bedroom and refuses everything. Invitation to play.

Therefore, Miss Huan's sudden coldness is inexplicable, but also because it is inexplicable, and no one can take responsibility for it, so only the maids with good deeds are used as the material for idle stories, and the atmosphere on the master's side is always indifferent. The day is gone, and it is dusk again.Miss Huan sat under the electric light, resting her head on her left hand, letting herself be distracted by distracting thoughts.The four walls are as quiet as sleep, reflecting the laughter from the cousin's sister-in-law's room on the opposite side.Miss Huan hated these too happy laughter, but Wei Shi did not want to hear the content of this too happy.Distracting thoughts but refused to obey, pestering extremely rascally.A few crisp words, which seemed to be the cousin's tone, had hit Miss Huan's brain, but suddenly disappeared.Her conscious world is filled with many other inexplicable things, absolutely rejecting new impressions from outside.And among these chaotic and inexplicable things, there is something struggling there, as if insisting on getting ahead.It was finally revealed, but it was a very familiar sentence: "Huan, let's go here."

A gust of cool wind blew outside the window, sweeping away the heat on Miss Huan, and she was already in the cave under Feilai Peak in a trance.The same sentence "Huan, let's go here" rings in my ears, very thin but very distinct.A slight itching started from her wrist and spread to her chest, and she couldn't help her heartbeat.Suddenly, a young man appeared in front of her, pinching her wrist and looking at her pleadingly.Her heart beat faster, her face was hot, and she felt a strong arm around her waist.She suddenly yelled "Ooh!"As soon as this strange sound wave shook her eardrums, there was nothing left, she was still in her small bedroom, still sitting alone under the electric light.

The itching on the wrist was still numb and intensified; a moth-footed mosquito, with a red belly, pulled its long mouth out of Miss Huan's tender skin with great effort, and flew away generously.Miss Huan watched the mosquito until it disappeared into the darkness.She suddenly felt that this little flying insect seemed to be the man in the hallucination just now. One day half a month ago, she had touched her virgin soul, but after he left generously, he disappeared and left her behind. In loneliness and resentment.Miss Huan sighed lowly, and switched to her right hand to support her head.The laughter in the cousin and sister-in-law's room has long since subsided, and now there is only a cold silence.The intermittent sound of angry frogs coming from a distance seemed to be complaining for her.

Miss Huan stood in front of the window in bewilderment.Near the Phoenix Stage over there, under the shroud of misty light, there was a faint noise.On this side, there are mountain peaks around the lake, standing darkly, like giants watching the night.Also, scattered and flickering are the lights of many villas by the lake.The world is beautiful and life is happy, but Miss Huan thought sadly that she has nothing to do with it.She is already a broken and incomplete person, she can no longer enjoy her precious youth comfortably, and the beautiful world has turned into a vicious mockery for her.She could only close herself in the room, and deal with the stress in her heart over and over again.

This secret burden oppressed her every moment, forcing her to flee into solitude.Whenever many people are chatting and laughing together, and suddenly all the tongues stop, Miss Huan feels that she has become the focus of everyone's attention, and the corners of her mouth that still have smile marks seem to say: "We all know about you." What happened!" The usual closest friend also changed his appearance.When they talk to Miss Huan, they always like to laugh; and this smile, Miss Huan can clearly tell that it is not a good intention.They often talk about the love affairs of acquaintances or strangers, and Miss Huan can also see that they are all pointing at Sanghuai and mocking herself.She is like a timid rabbit, she can only hide in the nest.She spends years reading novels, but the authors of the novels seem to know her secret and use her as a model.Fortunately, my aunt and cousin and sister-in-law don't seem to know about her, otherwise... Miss Huan turned around and couldn't help shedding two tears.The world is too beautiful, but her fate is too cruel; thinking that she has no share in this happy life, she feels that life is worth cherishing.It is true that the misstep has long since passed, and even the momentary joy that caused this lifelong hatred has also passed away; but what will never pass is the malicious face and mouth of others.She will grope her life's journey in sarcasm and indifference!Thinking of this, Miss Huan's tears rolled out one after another.She took a few steps back, threw herself on the bed, hugged the pillow tightly, and almost burst into tears.Her heart, shattered by grief, was throbbing as if struggling hard, as if screaming, "Suicide! Suicide! Suicide!" She herself didn't know when she had this unavoidable thought, but every time she was sad, the cursed word was bound to hit her heart back and forth.And I don't know when the date was set for her to go to this end: that was the day when my aunt and the others knew her secret.She subconsciously admitted that this was the natural destination, the only solution; but she remembered that after she died, the world was still so beautiful, and there were still so many happy people enjoying it peacefully, and there were so many people, even There are also people she usually despises, talking about her faults, ridiculing, cursing, pity -- even pity is unbearable: then she thinks that suicide is not enough, not enough!She wished that the world would be destroyed immediately, and that the evil fire would burn herself, all people, all things, all sad and happy memories, all without a trace. She jumped up angrily, opened her red eyes from crying, and looked around the room.Her already ordinary face was now born with a provocative demeanor due to anger.She quickly walked to the desk, opened the drawer on the left, took out a key from a delicate box, and opened the drawer on the right. There were bunches of old letters, some photos, and a Rectangular ocher kangaroo leather folder for women.She opened the folder, put her slightly trembling fingers in, took out a photo from a very secret compartment, and tore it up with a snort, then as if she had exhausted all her strength, she let out a long groan, He just fell into the chair and lowered his head dejectedly.Tears burst out slowly again, falling on the back of her hand.Seemingly taken aback, she raised her head and stared blankly at the light.Now her eyebrows were full of remorse again, she regretted that her actions just now were too rough and unreasonable. "Why blame him!" Reflecting in this way, she picked up the torn photo, put it together gently, and spread it on her knees, like a mother caressing her wronged baby.She couldn't help but kiss the person in the photo again.She loves him, and she will love him forever!What reason is there to hate him?Although the experience in the cave at the foot of Feilai Peak is the root cause of her current pain, it will always be the most precious page in her youthful history!The several carnivals in the hotel afterwards also embellished her adolescence very brilliantly.Her face felt hot, and she felt a numb and sweet smell spreading from her heart to her whole body. She thought bewilderedly: "Anyway, I can't blame him alone. Didn't I also be very emotional at that time? But, people are like that, and the land is like that, who dares to say that they will not fall into it? Besides, the Buddha statue on the stone wall cave can testify, At that time, I was not too absurd, and I was not overwhelmed by the temptation of sensuality; even though I let him touch and kiss me like a dream, his last request was resolutely rejected. It's a big mistake to go to his hotel, but God knows, the ghost is chasing after me, so I can't resist it!" She figured out how she felt at the time.Two forces are pulling her.One is inexplicable, yet irresistible, urging her to go; the other has very clear moral values, and stops her.All the blood in her body supported the former, but there was something cold in the corner of her brain cheering for the latter.But when he finally got to the hotel, there was a sentence that convinced the moral concept: since he had opened his hands and mouth to the sacred body yesterday, today's stinginess is meaningless. Just because of this thought, she sank deeper and deeper, until she finally sucked up the sugar coating of the happy fruit noodles and tasted the bitterness in the center.When she arrived at the hotel for the third time, he had already left, leaving only a letter and a photo.This is the end of the romance between them, and the tragedy of her alone begins. Miss Huan sighed softly, put the broken photos back into the folder, walked to the window, and stared at the sky.A full moon floated among the few thin white clouds, it seemed to be running fast, but it always seemed to be in the old position.The many stars staring mysteriously are like a group of children chatting noisyly there.The cool wind was blowing in patches, and it was like a miscellaneous feeling from the sky.Miss Huan looked at it blankly, her thoughts became more chaotic and busier: Was her behavior really too reckless?Is it entirely my fault that I stumbled into the mud in a daze?Was the man she loved really a terrible liar?Even if he has stolen the innocence of a virgin, he still tells a big lie to make people miss him so hard, is he such an extremely bad guy?Are all his actions a predetermined trick?The letter he left was also a long-term institution, and maybe it has deceived many people?Could such sincere and lingering words be hypocritical lies?Could such a handsome and lovely person be a liar?Could it be that I am so useless that I can't even recognize a liar?Could it be that I really fell into the so-called sexual boredom and ruined my life like a dream? "No!" She resolutely cried in her heart, "Not at all! My girlfriend who is much more reckless than myself has never encountered such a thing. He is not a bad person. He left because of his last choice. He gave up his own happiness. , to sacrifice for mankind, he is an upright man. Although a person with a heavy responsibility like him should not fall in love with others hastily, hasn't he said that? He is also a person of flesh and blood, and he also has Passionate, he can't resist the temptation of meat." Miss Huan remembered that she was indeed tempting him to hug her, so she covered her face with her hands shyly.She deeply regretted why she didn't go to find him immediately, and followed him into fire and water, to the ends of the earth.Then a new hope suddenly touched her heart; what if he could come back?One should be proud to be a lover of a man who works for the happiness of the many. "But according to what he said in his letter, he may not have the hope of returning alive. His mission is to fight forever, and he cannot leave his post until he dies; therefore, he said that he had to go alone, and he did not want the woman he loved. Accompanying you to make unnecessary sacrifices." The black shadow covered her heart again.But now that she has confirmed that her virginal innocence is not indiscriminately given to a man who is not worthy of love, she feels that the burden on her heart has been lifted; .She should be ashamed to reveal her secret to others: she fell in love with a man, she gave him her heart and soul, but for a more sacred cause, he bravely left her.Is not this the brightest and noblest thing! She could still laugh a few times with peace of mind among the cheerful people in this beautiful world. In the pink glow of masturbation, in the mysterious embrace of the night, Miss Huan had many pleasant dreams: she dreamed that everyone listened to her in awe when she told her first love, and praised her lover as a real revolutionary youth; I also dreamed that my lover came back, and his chest was covered with glorious jewel stars. The mysterious night is gone, and it is the real day again.The dazzling sunlight and the noisy human voices made Miss Huan extremely timid; the courage she had when she fell asleep last night had fled, and her faith had been shaken.She still saw scorn and sarcasm on everyone's faces.She had to confine herself in her room again. She reads the newsprint to amuse herself, but the trivia column in this city is full of men's misfortune, and every square typeface seems to scold her with a straight face.Throwing down the newspaper, she picked up an old novel; what the old novel showed was nothing more than "the infatuated woman who betrayed her heart", which just happened to portray her.If she reads a new novel, she will be even more disgusted; she sees herself stripped naked as the protagonist of a tragedy, and she sees herself as a thing in the palm of fate, like a small flying insect in the hands of an urchin. She lost her book and lay on the bed, trying to think about it.She stared blankly at the gray clouds in the sky, trying to figure out their shape: it was like the face of my aunt, it was a white horse, and the one galloping from far behind looked like a train, didn't it? "Yes, of course the train," she said to herself. "What's on this side? It's not a car window? And, moreover, a human head is coming out of the window hole!" Like a drop of water on a rough edged paper, the outline of the human head gradually enlarged and enlarged, and it seemed to be aimed at Miss Huan Running over, getting closer, getting bigger, getting bigger, getting closer; when Miss Huan realized that it was her lover, she suddenly blurred and disappeared like a photo with light leaked. Miss Huan's eyelids slowly closed, leaving only a thin slit for watching, and finally closed completely.But she was still thinking: maybe he is on the train, maybe he came again today, maybe I ran into him suddenly when I was going out, maybe he was waiting patiently at the place where we used to date, maybe... Miss Huan turned over lightly , she had already left the bedroom, and without being seen by anyone, she went to the lakeside covered by flowers and trees where she had dated a few times before.The water of the lake is like a small silver mirror, and there is a man sitting on a stone railing.It was him!Miss Huan threw herself on his shoulder and said hastily: "Ah, you're back!" "came back." "Of course you came back and married me; I want to tell everyone that we are getting married soon; I want to tell everyone that you are not a lucky man, you are not a liar." "Not a liar, but not your husband either." "But we've—" "Already had a relationship? But it's best to forget it completely. Not your husband, just your one-time lover. You are still young, and you can still make someone who loves you happy, a lot more than we have ever experienced It will be several times more fun!" She couldn't answer, but hugged his neck and cried softly. "You ought to enjoy life. Though you have had a lover, you can still get what you need from another man. Assuming I'm dead—" "Now you are not dead." "I'm going to die now!" As he spoke, he turned around and jumped into the lake.Miss Huan screamed and hugged him; she did, but it was just a pillow on her own bed.Cold sweat had soaked her shirt, and a gust of wind made her tremble. Miss Huan looked back in panic, lest someone would come and peep at the secret of her dream.no one.But it was as if a voice was shouting "I got it, I got it!" Her heart sank and began to throb with pain.Shouldn't it be my cousin?Nor is it like the sharp-tongued Miss Kim.Not to mention...Miss Huan thought mechanically in pain.Suddenly the sound came again, and she realized that it was the distant cicadas brought by the breeze. She sat by the window recalling that lovely and hateful dream.She thought it was a bad omen.But thinking that the few words he said in the dream turned out to be in the farewell letter, he felt that this demon dream was not surprising. "Is his opinion really reasonable?" Miss Huan deliberated more peacefully. "Is it really not a big deal? I am no longer what I am, I have lost the most precious qualifications that made me me, and I am already a broken white wall. Can it be nothing, and I can forget it Do I have to be clean? However, I am still me, and I am not missing anything. I can indeed give all the happiness, infinite happiness to those who love me. As long as I can completely forget it, how good it is! Even if I can’t forget, How good it would be if it were never revealed to anyone else! His letter allowed me absolute secrecy. He said he was going to his grave. On his part, the secret was buried forever, on my part. , buried in the depths of my heart forever. Surely there will be no third person to know? I hope no one will know!" So Miss Huan has pink hopes floating in front of her eyes again, fantasy castles in the air are piled up layer by layer, she will - and she will definitely be able to, with the secret of the first carnival of adolescence hidden deep in the forgotten corner, to enjoy this beauty calmly All the joys of the world.The hateful thing is that this beautiful world belongs to many third parties at the same time. "I hope no one knows! But are you really sure?" She dare not say that there must be.Many third parties, -- boring third parties, malicious third parties, third parties who are always busy prying out other people's secrets, and always ready to sneer at others, all appeared in front of Miss Huan.She hates these third parties deeply!She put her face in her hands and clenched her teeth.She firmly believes that she has the full right to live in this happy world, and there is no reason for others to stop her from living, but the power of their ghosts prevents her from living happily; the hateful third party, she prays for a great plague Wipe them all out! Cursing, resentment, and disappointment helped Miss Huan pass the dreadfully too realistic day. During dinner, my cousin suddenly said that she was going to watch the newly arrived movie "The Sad History of Ma Zhenhua".She looked at Ms. Huan, as if asking for permission; she also talked about the reason for Ms. Ma's suicide, afraid that others would not understand.Miss Huan felt that every word was like a needle, pricking her heart.She peeped at the faces of her aunt and cousin, and saw that they were still the same as usual, so she felt a little lighter in her chest.She tried her best to pretend not to mind, and smiled slightly.But my cousin's voice was cast on her throbbing nerves again like a piece of lead: "Things like this are actually not worth making a movie about. Ma Zhenhua-style tragedies are being played out in society every day. If no one knows about it, it will be assumed that there is no such thing, and the deceived woman will not commit suicide." My cousin suddenly made such a comment.Ms. Huan suddenly felt that her eyes were completely dark; the chair she was sitting on also became strangely soft, like a pile of cotton, sinking her, sinking, and sinking.Fortunately, the cousin's conversation slipped into another direction, and Miss Huan felt that there was never a glare on her face, otherwise, she must have fainted. "Since my sister-in-law likes to watch it, I'll go with you." Miss Huan tried her best to utter these words.The desktop was suddenly silent.Everyone felt that it was unexpected: Miss Huan was actually interested today.There was a thankful smile on the cousin's mouth.Ms. Huan also smiled softly, feeling glad that her strategy had worked.At least the people in this door didn't suspect her! I also met a few acquaintances in the movie theater.Miss Huan carefully read their faces and analyzed their words; they were all honest, without sarcasm or malicious smiles. "It seems that they don't know about me," Miss Huan thought while watching the tryst in the movie.She is sure that her lover is absolutely capable of keeping secrets, and she can't think of any traces that only two secrets will fall in the eyes of others.That is completely different from Ms. Ma Zhenhua's experience! "In the past two weeks, I was really nervous. This is surprising and suspicious, right? You should explain it to others." She took the opportunity to say it several times: she is afraid of hot weather, and in summer, she often has "sickness." heat". Gradually, she feels that all third parties are not absolutely hateful, and the road of life is still full of light.However, she was really getting "sick" gradually.Naturally, it is "disease heat".I feel drowsy and drowsy all day long, often retch, and want to eat this or that, but the taste is not the same as before. When this abnormal phenomenon lasted for a week, Ms. Huan discovered a new secret: the monthly appointment was delayed. "Really—is it?" Miss Huan thought with palpitations.The little hope that had just been created was immediately dissipated. How to do it?This unwelcome little life!There is no way to keep a secret to the end.Now, even the mysterious and gentle moonlit night can't give Miss Huan some beautiful illusions.Day and night flew by like chasing each other, and Miss Huan felt that she was walking towards the grave and destruction step by step.And I walked alone and lonely, without comfort, sympathy, or even hatred.If someone still hates her, it's better than emptiness and indifference; she really wants to have a mother, even the most stern mother, she will cry in her mother's arms for a while, and will tell her sufferings directly, and then to die.But no.When her mother died, she was still in her infancy; her mother's voice and smile have long been forgotten.In this world, she has no relatives.Aunt is her protector, cousin is just cousin.She remembered that when her cousin was not here, her cousin was not just a cousin, but now she has become an official cousin, no more, no less, just a cousin. When night came, she sat by the window, staring at the stars in the sky.Sorrow tormented her, and her thoughts flew far, far, among the stars.She saw a red light rising from the southern sky, and she saw her lover's face in the red light, and she heard him say again: "Unexpectedly, the reunion left such a memorial. I wanted you to forget before, but now I Please cultivate our memory!" She knew that this was an appeal from the depths of his soul, and the world heard his appeal, and the stars also nodded in agreement. She was brave enough, and a way out lay in front of her.She will announce her secret, her determination to the world; she will stand fearlessly in front of the society, embracing the fruit of her first love. But the disfigured last quarter moon gave her a sly look, smiled coldly, and said faintly: "Fantasy! Such a good dream! Can you be allowed by the cruel society? Besides, you have bid farewell to the happiness of life forever. But if someone comes to cover your name, it will be different. The society needs a false name. Your smartest way is to quickly find someone to cover your mistakes." Miss Huan hesitated again.There are two ways out, which is embarrassing.There are always two paths with their own advantages and disadvantages, making it difficult for people to decide.Xing and Yue are so quarreling with each other, which only made her more impatiently irritable.She really forgot to laugh, but she also forgot to cry.This too big question, too strong a shock, made her numb. Besides, she was losing weight day by day.It seems that the "secret" can no longer bear not showing his face.My aunt also became anxious about this "thinness"; she swayed Long Zhong's body and sat in Miss Huan's room for half an hour, saying repeatedly: "Huan'er, you've lost weight recently, you're sick, tell my aunt, what's wrong with you? What do you think, what do you want? Tell me, and I'll ask them to get it. Huan'er, are you upset? Sister-in-law, what do you want to say? Ah Jin is not considerate? Tell my aunt. You are the only one left in my natal family. If you have any troubles, how will I see them in the underworld!" My aunt's old eyes were also a little moist.Miss Huan held back her tears, only smirked lonely, and shook her head gently.She really wanted to say: "Auntie! You love me, old man, because you are responsible for the dead in the underground; but do you still love me, if you know that I have already had the scandal you hate?" But she opened her eyes. I looked at my aunt's long aging face with wide and worried eyes, and said something vaguely like "I'm not sick", "It's just that it's hot and uncomfortable", "I'm not unhappy at all".She would not—never had enough courage—to announce the secret of her anguish. She knew that her aunt cherished her for the dead of her mother's family, her cousin for her aunt, and her cousin for her cousin; they were all for another reason, not for her.There is only one person who really loves her for her sake, and this person has gone far away, causing her current pain.What if this is fate?What if she is destined to die?She is willing to die in front of this man.However, he has gone far, far away.If there was anyone else who could love her for her sake--just one, she would die too, would pour out her bitter secrets before him, would die under the fist of his wrath. Thinking in confusion and pain, Miss Huan couldn't help crying.She looked at the back of her aunt's Long Zhong, and her heart was twisted. The cousin also came to ask Ms. Huan what she was "displeased" with, and also said that she had lost weight; and said, if there is anything inconsiderate, please forgive her, and ask her to speak up, and don't look outside.Miss Huan trembled all over; she felt that the comforting of these diaphragms was more uncomfortable than scolding, and she felt that her abnormal attitude had indeed aroused speculation and anxiety in the family; she felt that the eyes of detectives were ambushing all around her. .Right now, even if I shut myself up in my own room, I can't get a moment of freedom.Every whisper, every footstep outside the room made her jump in shock. "Isn't it the footsteps of the god of death that came so suddenly? You died just like that? You, just in the prime of youth, just drank a drop of happy wine, and died silently in loneliness?" Miss Huan was so sad that she almost had a seizure.She would not die; she would not die so long as there was escape.But now it seemed that death was the only escape.Come forward and announce your secret, how about laughing at all the sneers and abuse?Miss Huan thought about it again and again, but she didn't have so much courage; the courage needed to commit suicide is only temporary, but this is a long-term one.Find another man as cover?That is not necessarily sure.Besides, this kind of thing can't be rushed. If you get close to a bad person, wouldn't it be even worse? She hated her girlfriend for no reason.Each of them is always followed by two or three men.They are not afraid of the trouble of circling around, maybe they just see that one day they will use it as a cover? "So I have only one way to commit suicide," Miss Huan thought desperately, "I'm just too straightforward and kind; in this world, there is no room for good people to stand on their feet!" Behind Baoshu Pagoda, a small star is shining coldly.The night became more and more quiet, filled with the breath of death.Miss Huan made up her mind, took a ribbon and hung it on the bedpost, shedding tears at the same time.Her mind became active as if electrified, and she brought out all her short twenty-three years of life.She remembered at seventeen how new fashions had stirred her soul, how she had longed for new light, how she had dreamed of future happiness, how she had congratulated herself on not being betrothed, how she had hinted at her own marriage to her aunt and cousin. To hear her free, how half-surprised and half-joyed to approach the man, and yet the result!She twisted the ribbon into a ring with trembling fingers, and uttered a desolate curse as if her heart was about to burst: Deceive, deceive!Everything is deceitful, liberation, freedom, light!It's better to be ignorant and ignorant, and let them decide to marry someone, at least there will be no current depression, and there will be no current ending!At least she can be a safe and satisfied living person like my cousin sister-in-law! She stood on the edge of the bed, trembling all over, her eyes filled with blood.She couldn't think anymore, only one thought was spinning in her head that was so painful that it was about to burst: declare those deceitful sins of liberation, freedom and light!To die is to announce!Without letting herself hesitate, she quickly inserted her head and neck into the loop of the ribbon, turned her body to the side, and left her feet off the edge of the bed. At the same time, a very vague concept suddenly moved in her mind: there should be a way out, if she boldly follows the trend, if she can adapt to the steps of this rapidly changing society.But the ribbon had already been tightened, her eyeballs began to protrude, her tongue stretched out, her face turned blue and white. A pair of protruding eyes stared forward, as if they wanted to prove what could be in tune with this turbulent life! July 8, 1928