Chapter 4 create.1

The small desk next to the south window was covered with a dark green tablecloth, and two half-opened red roses protruded from the mouth of the small light blue porcelain vase in the right corner of the desk, like the smiling faces of a naughty girl, with a bit of "You Nai!" What am I?", sneering at a stack of dress books sitting in the opposite corner, their moralist attitude makes you think that it must not be a novel that cannot get rid of the relationship between men and women.The Saiyin ink cartridges lay across the upper middle of the table, forming a perfect pair with the neat blotter plates.The paper version contained an old letter in one corner of a holster.There is also a small desk under the west window over there.A few magazines with crumpled covers were thrown on the table, and a small tea-green glass triangular heat watch was knocked down; the nib of the gold fountain pen kissed the snowy cheek of a woman in a picture postcard.A large dot of ink has condensed on it, like its black tears, mourning the disappearance of its pen cap; a delicately carved ivory rabbit squints its red eyes, and looks at the open space next to it with resentment. Half of the small paper fan, of course, was pushed down because the paper fan was too rude—now it is lying on its side like a baby, revealing a line of thin green characters on its white belly: "Xianxian March 8th First Commemoration .Her dear husband Junshi gift".However, the word "husband" seems to have been scratched with a knife.

The sofa couch covered with golden silk squats under a pair of windows in the middle of the east wall, and there are sofa chairs of the same style as its guards on the left and right sides.On the far left, standing upright against the wall, is a two-story wooden cabinet. The upper half is narrower, with a pair of glass doors, but it is still lined with purple silk behind the slides.Opposite this wooden cabinet, to the right of the sofa chair on the right, is a hanger holding a raincoat, cloak, hat and the like.Beyond that is the right window on the east wall; a small square table by the window is placed with teapots, teacups, cigarette boxes and other objects.Going further, in the corner, is the regular dressing table.Here is a small door that seems to lead to the bathroom.The wardrobe with large oval mirror doors is leaning against the north wall, reflecting the big teak bed in front of a pair of windows in the middle of the west wall, the beaded gauze curtain, and the two people sleeping on the bed.

At an oblique angle to the west of the closet is the door, which is now tightly closed. Some women's clothes were piled up on the sofa.Sky-blue sardine cheongsam, black silk flag vest, white cotton braid, and scarlet shorts with wide cuffs and waistbands: all rolled into a ball, very much like laundry clothes. The bleaching tank is waiting to be dropped inside, I want to see how hurried the master was when he took it off.The shiny pointed toe of the carved gray sheepskin shoe is exposed under the couch; but its companion is hiding far away by the short feet of the dressing table, and the master has to wait patiently to find it.On the right side of the bed, near the door, there is a cease-fire table, and a table lamp with an amber silk cover sits solemnly. Beside: a small handkerchief embroidered on the corner, perfume paper, powdered paper, a small mirror, used tram tickets, small silver dollars , department store receipts, half-inch leather-covered gold-tipped pocket notebooks, gemstone brooches, small business cards—all the small items that can be found in a young woman's handbag are here.An unfolded magazine, supported by the desk lamp and sacrificing the correct posture of the lampshade, stood strangely upright.On the bronze stand of the desk lamp, there is a pair of small doves gesturing, with their heads tilted, as if guessing a line of inscription on the cover of a magazine:

"Women and Politics". The sun shines through the tulle on the east window and shines on the table, chairs, and bed.The wood, once painted cream, was now gilded with sun-spotted gold.Suddenly the beeping of a fast-moving car—strangely loud, as if it was downstairs—awakened one of the people on the bed.He opened his tired eyes and moved slightly.The rich fragrance of hair rushed into his nostrils; he turned his head instinctively, and saw that his wife was still awake, her cheeks were flushed, as if she was about to spurt blood.The quilt on her body has long been pulled aside, and the young woman is now on her side; she only wears a woolen knee-length vest, so her arms and legs are naked in the morning air , the sunlight sifted through the beaded gauze fell on her white legs like dancing drops of water.

——The sunlight has already reached the bed, probably it’s getting late. Junshi thought, and yawned again.He went to bed early last night.He was completely unaware of his wife's return; however, he still felt very tired at this moment, simply because he woke up at three o'clock this morning and suddenly couldn't sleep anymore, until he saw fish-belly white on the window, and it was as if he was asleep again. caught.Moreover, in this half-sleeping state, he had many short, discontinuous dreams; one of them, which he still remembered roughly at this time, seemed to be a bad omen.He closed his eyes repeatedly, recalling those dreams, and at the same time gently held his wife's hand.

Some people say that dreams are the reappearance of daytime anxiety, while others say that they are subconscious activities; but Jun really thinks it is neither.He himself said that he had no dreams after the age of fifteen; his wife did not quite believe this statement: "Dreams will never be absent, probably because they are forgotten when they wake up and go back to sleep." She often said so. "You are full of dreams; not only do you have dreams when you sleep, but you can also dream when you open your eyes!" Junshi often refuted her like this. Now that Junshi actually had a dream, he felt it was an accident; and it also proved that there was no dream in the past, not forgetting.So he tried to recall those dreams so that he could tell his wife.Even if it is such a small matter, he is not willing to let it go lightly; he is not willing to let his wife doubt in his heart that what he said is a lie; Come and be embraced by him.

He breathed out briskly, opened his eyes again, and stared at the sunlight dancing on the window screen; then, the ball of clothes on the sofa caught his attention, and then, he quickly scanned the room for a week, and finally landed on lady's face.For some reason, this sleeping young woman, with her brows half frowned and her little lips tightly closed, is exactly the same face she had when she and Junshi vomited yesterday.Recently, the two of them often have disagreements; Xianxian often refutes her husband's comments, and Junshi also criticizes his wife's actions more, and many criticisms, in Xianxian's view, are simply intentional innovations.Xianxian's girlfriend, Ms. Li, thinks it's because Xianxian's thinking has improved recently, while Junshi has regressed.Xianxian quite agrees with this assertion, but Junshi absolutely refuses to admit it. He secretly hates Ms. Li, thinking that his good wife was completely spoiled by her, so yesterday he took an excuse to vent his anger and criticized Ms. Li very sharply. After a while, what upset Xianxian the most were these few sentences:

"...Miss Li's behavior is so much like a slippery female politician. She is busy with so-called political activities every day. What does she understand about politics? Xianxian, I am not opposed to women paying attention to politics. I used to be very enthusiastic to persuade you Those who pay attention to politics, now you finally know something about politics. But you have to do practical activities—hey! Subjectively, the ability is not enough, and objectively, the conditions are not ready. Besides, Ms. Li still treats political activities like dancing in a movie, It’s just a fashionable thing for young mistresses of the new style. It’s also said that women want to be independent and have social status. Well, stop talking about facades! Where is Miss Li independent? What social status does she have? I know her status is in Carlton, In the Moon Palace Dance Hall! Now they say that they are dissatisfied with the status quo and want revolution; heck, revolution, I am tired of watching revolution, but I don’t know that there are still new tricks called revolution in the dance hall of the movie theater!  …”

Junshi's expression when he spoke—the air of knowing that others will never be promising, made Xianxian more uncomfortable than his conservative thinking and accusations; she was indeed really angry at that time.Although Junshi comforted him with gentle words afterwards, Xianxian wondered for a long time. Now Junshi sees his wife still acting like this while sleeping, and he keeps thinking about what happened yesterday; he feels that his wife is leaving him spiritually day by day, and he feels that he can no longer monopolize his wife's whole soul.The young woman who had been embraced in his mind and spirit for a long time has now jumped out and has her own thoughts and opinions.This is uncomfortable for Jun Shi, who is very conceited.He loved his wife, and still does; but what he loves most is the lady whose thoughts are his thoughts and his deeds are his actions.Unfortunately, this golden age has passed, and Xianxian is no longer the Xianxian she was two years ago.

Thinking of this, Junshi couldn't help but sing slightly.He closed his eyes again, meditating on the process of his wife's thought changes.He remembered that when she spent the summer in Moganshan the summer before last, Xianxian had expressed her independent opinions on the duties that women should fulfill in society; could this be the starting point of today's divergence?It doesn't seem to be true, Xianxian didn't know Miss Li at that time; it seems to be true, and Xianxian has been wrong day by day since then.In the past six months, not only has her thinking changed, but even her actions have lost their graceful and delicate normality. Clothes and other things are thrown everywhere, and she has the style of "a big event is slovenly".Junshi instinctively opened his eyes and glanced into the room, and saw that his own world had shrunk to only the desk under the south window; except for this piece of "clean soil", the whole room was full of traces of clutter, which was Xianxian's world.

In his gloomy mood, Junshi recalled all the trivial quarrels between Xianxian and him.Moganshan summer vacation is the time when the two hearts are most harmonious and the culmination of happiness, but the black thread of fate seems to have entered their lives at that time; Gradually, she got tired of the quiet and elegant clothes and demanded strong stimulation, so she often had the opposite opinion with Junshi in daily life.Buying a piece of clothing, watching a movie, or going to a restaurant have all become the subject of dispute between the two of them; often Junshi likes A, and Xianxian prefers B, but they are unwilling to go their own way, and each wants his own idea to be completely successful.The result is always that one side is sacrificed.Because they both feel that the method of "doing their own way" will make them feel unhappy in vain. It is better to have failures and victories in turn. A sweet kiss for forgiveness is the pleasure of a loser.When this kind of dispute happened for the first time or second time, both of them were indeed seriously troubled, but later they discovered the beauty of the reconciliation, and they agreed that this is also an indispensable wave in the life of love.So after getting used to it, Junshi often said to Xianxian: "This time you won the victory again. But, beautiful young mistress, spoiled lady, don't think that your victory is reasonable and long-lasting." So amidst the trembling laughter, Xianxian snuggled into Junshi's arms and gave him a long kiss.This is the price of her victory, and her ardent gratitude to her husband for giving in for love. But the mystery of this love's playfulness is soon blunted.When the giver becomes a mechanical and routine action, the receiver feels that the lips are cold and the smile is fake, but the dull pain of failure to assert is throbbing in the heart. Besides, Xianxian gradually becomes more persistent in her assertion. Almost every time she had to win, so the "doing their own way" that they didn't want to do had to be carried out.This is one of the reasons why Junshi only has a desk left in his sphere of influence in the bedroom. The difference in thinking also came slowly.It is a silent, painful struggle.Junshi tried his best to restore his exclusive advantage in his wife's heart, but it was in vain.Xianxian already had a solid barrier in her heart, resisting his attacks; and the new forces in Xianxian's heart were expanding day by day, forcing the old ones to come out.In the past month, Junshi felt his failure several times.He admits that his rule in Xianxian's heart is about to be overthrown, but he still doesn't quite understand why he won Madam's heart so easily two years ago and possessed her entire soul, but now he loses it unknowingly. And recovery again seems hopeless.Two years ago, my wife's heart was like a sponge, absorbing every drop of his thought, but now this same heart has somehow become a piece of iron, although he used the fire of enthusiasm to Exercise doesn't soften it. "Mysterious woman's heart!" Jun Shi often thinks like this when he is puzzled.His only solution now is to be sarcastic; he hopes that the sour taste of sarcasm can dissolve the iron in Xianxian's heart.So Miss Li became the target of satire.Junshi believes that the change in his wife's temperament is entirely caused by Miss Li.Sometimes he also feels that irony is not the right way, and it may make Xianxian farther away from him.However, there is no other way than this road. "Oh, the heart of a mysterious woman!" he could only think with a sigh. Junshi suddenly became irritable.He shook off the wool blanket on his body and turned over to the edge of the bed; he actually forgot that his left hand was still holding the wife's hand.Xian Xian also woke up.She regained her composure, moved her body closer to her husband, and slightly raised her head to look at his face from his shoulder. Junshi closed his eyes and did not move.He felt a soft arm come to his chest.He felt itchy again by the fluffy fine hair around his ears.He still closed his eyes and did not move, but he gathered all his attention and watched in secret.Suddenly, a warm body pressed up, and the heartbeat of the other could be heard clearly; Junshi couldn't bear it anymore, opened his eyes, and saw Xianxian propping up her upper body with her arms, facing each other. Look at his face, like a cat spying on a mouse that cheated.Junshi couldn't help laughing. "I know you're fake sleeping." Xianxian said with a smile, and at the same time loosened her arms, and her whole body fell into Junshi's arms.The vigor of the female flesh leaked out from the back of the long vest, soaking into Junshi's muscles and bones; he was really shaking and couldn't hold himself.But then an aching thought seized his heart: this soft bosom, this lovely face, these long frowning brows, these winking eyes, these seductive lips like ripe cherries—everything, this Everything that is charming belongs to him, indeed it belongs to him, but within all of this, there is a heart that is deeply hidden, and the heart that can still feel its beating is not his. !He can touch this beautiful body named Xianxian, but besides this tangible Xianxian, there is also an invisible Xianxian—her soul, which is no longer within his reach!Is this the so-called tragedy of love?In love life, is this also considered a lovelorn? He thought reluctantly as if he couldn't get rid of it, ignoring Xianxian's questioning gaze.Suddenly a hand covered his eyes; the thin and long fingers reflected the sunlight, like a few transparent coral stalks.And on that plump wrist, a bracelet made of thin pearls was tightly wrapped around it, three turns.This is a souvenir from their summer vacation in Mount Mogan. The cable was disconnected a few days ago and was recently replaced.Junshi gently pulled Xianxian's hand.The fine pearls gave his fingers a cold, slippery feel.His mind suddenly shook.O memorable beads!The joy of the lost Moganshan that can be remembered!Bless this happiness that can never come back again! Junshi's eyes wandered bewilderedly on these beads for a while, and then, as if he had touched something, he moved to Xianxian's face.The young woman's sleepy eyes were also looking at him thoughtfully. "In our past life, what days did you think were the happiest?" Junshi spoke slowly, as if he had carefully chewed every word. "I feel the happiest now." Xian Xian answered with a smile, pressing her body closer. "Don't talk nonsense. Xianxian, think about it—think about it carefully." "Then, the first year of our marriage—six months, to be precise, the first month, the happiest." "why?" Xianxian laughed again.She felt that such an exam was too weird. "Why? No reason. It's just because my experience was new at that time. My previous life seemed to be a blank page, and it was only then that I filled in the color. Looking back on my previous life, I don't feel special now. It’s interesting, and it’s also very vague. Only the life after marriage—well, it should be said that it’s the first month after marriage, even the most trivial clothes and meals, I seem to remember clearly.” Junshi nodded with a smile, and the past was reappearing in front of his eyes.Yet sentimentality ensues.Is the joy of the past just gone forever, can never be called back? "And you, then? What do you think—what are the happiest days?" Xian Xian asked back.She stroked the hair on Junshi's forehead with her left hand, letting the short tail of the pearl bracelet dangle between Junshi's eyebrows. "I don't disagree with what you say, but I can't agree with it either. In my first year of marriage—or as you say, the first month, it's just the beginning of happiness, not the culmination. I want to make you into an ideal woman , that was the beginning of the realization of my ideals, inspired by great hopes, but not attained to true happiness." "I've heard you say those words several times." Xianxian stepped in lightly and said.Although I was able to hear these words in the past, I was also "inspired by great hope", but now I don't like to hear that I was created according to my ideal. "But you never asked whether my ideal was success or failure. Xianxian, my ideal was successful, but it also failed. When Moganshan was away from the summer, his creation happened to be successful. Xianxian, you Remember when we were on the Daguang Stone next to the Yinling Mountain Waterfall? You were quite restrained at first, but at that time, we were sitting next to the waterfall, and you were only wearing a vest, just like you are now. Naturally, this is a It’s a small thing, but it can prove that your creation is completed, and my ideal is realized.” Junshi stopped suddenly, took Xianxian's arm, and fixed his eyes on her.The young woman's face was burning now; she recalled the situation at that time, and she wondered why she didn't feel the need for such novel stimuli at that time.If it is now... But Junshizao went on to say: "My ideal was realized, but it was shattered immediately! I have already filled the cup of happiness. Before, the road of our life was bright, and now it is light and darkness intertwined. Moganshan has become our life. You have gradually changed since you came back from the mountains. Xianxian, you have changed little by little since then. You have become yourself, not the you I created according to my ideal. The books I led you to read have formed a different opinion in your heart than mine; I really don’t know what’s going on, I don’t believe that there are two truths in the book. Xianxian, you are in the book In addition to—besides the thoughts I guided, you have received other influences, but you have destroyed yourself! You have also destroyed my ideals!" Junshi's face changed, and he closed his eyes again; the disillusionment of his ideals made him very painful, and the dream-like past made his depression worse.