Chapter 2 September 15

The biggest pain I feel recently is that I have no place to talk.I have too many words in my heart, but I can't find anyone who I can say to him heartily. What has caused me 120,000 pains recently is that I still have memory, and I cannot completely forget the past.These poisonous snakes of "memory" suck my blood and drive me into a nervous breakdown. Recently I look down on myself even more, because I still have so-called "hope".Sometimes I even have dreams.I have had a lot of daydreams: I have a bosom friend again, and I can say what I say, and smile sincerely. Moreover, a big change has turned the world upside down, buried the past me deeply, and the new me is in broad daylight. Talking and laughing, - and there is a job that suits me.

I am extremely puzzled, why I still dare to have such unreasonable thoughts, and dare to have such a shameless desire.Could it be that I can still break through the many demonic barriers and save myself? Is today really September 15th?The weather was so fine and there was no warning.I went to Yingmao in the morning, and in the corridor outside the office, I met G and Xiao Rong walking arm in arm. Xiao Rong was dressed like a butterfly.How people like to dress has nothing to do with me, and I don't bother to care about her and G's sneakiness; but if she sneers in front of me and makes witty remarks, then I am not so easy to provoke.

At that time, I counterattacked: "Ugly people do mischief, but I don't pay attention to it! You are like a bitch in Jiaochun. You should take a look in the mirror yourself if you are not afraid of being sick when you see it!" This time, it drove the "bitch" crazy.She jumped over and wanted to twist my hair. I opened her with my palm, but the big lapel of my cheongsam was torn.She jumped up and down and said she would report to the director.Hmph, take it for granted, my surname is Zhao, what happened?But it was G's attitude that made me really angry.As if nothing happened, he stood aside and smiled.How is the relationship between me and him, he is naturally clear in his heart, but Xiao Rong chased him like a madman every day, and today he was beaten, but he just looked aside and smiled, does this look like a person?I think Xiao Rong is too pitiful.

I turned around and ran to the section chief, and asked for a day off. People thought that my leave was because of the trouble just now.That's a joke.I don't!I caught a glimpse of the large calendar in the office, and only then did I realize that today is September 15th, and then I remembered that I should ask for a day off today—let me spend this day quietly, for myself. But is today really September 15th?The weather is so nice. I hate that the weather is so beautiful today, but the fifteenth of September in my life is dark and terrible. Twenty-four years ago today, a little life was separated from my mother's body. Since the time this little life has memories, she has never seen her mother have a happy smile.The aunt who is almost as hateful as Xiaorong, and the father who is not much better than G are the evil spirits in the mother's life.As for myself, I have tasted sweet, sour, bitter, and hot since I had knowledge, until today I don’t know sweet, sour, bitter, and hot,—the paralysis of the soul.

One year ago today, a poor little life was separated from my own body.Is this little life still alive?I have no idea. And I have no way of knowing.Because I never tried to inquire after that grief-stricken "resolute action", and maybe I won't think so in the future.I just found out the result, so what?Let it hide in the depths of my heart and become an absolute secret, let it gnaw at my broken heart in loneliness! Every time I think about the situation at that time, every cell in my body is filled with hatred.The fire of vengeance burns in my veins.He was the first despicable and shameless guy who came into my life, and also the first coward and hypocrite I met after breaking up with Xiao Zhao!I remember that it was the third day after the "July 7th" commemoration. He put on a helpless face and told his "difficulties" and "difficulties" of "last resort".At that time, he had already made up his mind, prepared in secret for many days, and everything was ready, but he was still hypocritical, saying that he "thought of such a way by accident" and "care about it" with me.He thinks I'm a complete fool and a woman!I was expecting to expose all his schemes in a few words, but then I thought it would be good to go my own way at this moment; after listening to his nonsense, I just replied lightly: "Why discuss it! You can do whatever you see is more convenient. Discussions and discussions are not the same? Besides, you don’t have to bury yourself for me, do you? I’ve been exhausted lately, and I’m not interested in anything. I wish you a great future, but I can't accompany you."

He stared at me blankly, unable to answer for a long time.Stupid!I knew that he couldn't grasp my true intentions, and he was a little confused, but I also knew that he was very happy to see me so "submissive" and "deceived" so easily!After a long time, he murmured with a half-smile: "I just don't trust you. Here, people are unfamiliar, and you don't even have a friend, and you are about to have a baby. Although you told me to go at ease, I I always feel a little bit uneasy! And, and,..." "Come on, come on! Don't worry a hundred times!" I didn't have the patience to listen to him anymore. His hypocrisy and superficial affectation made me sick.Does he really take me for a fool? It's funny.

"Okay, then, when I get the money, I will send it to you when I arrive in Changsha." He actually said it in a very serious tone, and I remained silent.Do you want me to thank him? "When you are full moon after giving birth, my affairs over there should be settled, and then I will send someone to pick you up."——The voice also seemed to be telling the truth, but the fool believed you! However, within an hour after he left, I found him not only hypocritical, shallow, but also vile; he took all the money, and my gold ring, and some of my slightly better ones. All of my clothes were stolen!What a "vanguard for the people" political worker!Use the act of fleeing to a woman!I knew at that time that the train hadn't left, and I could go to the station to peel off his skin, but after a second thought, forget it, why put on a show for others, who will sympathize with me?People who know a little bit about my past history may still say sneeringly, saying that I did it to myself!I can't be a woman like a woman and let people use it as a conversation material.I don't regret the ghostly life in the past, and I still have the courage to bear it whole; I don't lose heart in the current cruel experience, I still have the courage to swallow it silently!

I-- I am not a womanly woman! At that time, I could have "struggled for foreign aid".Hengyang has an old classmate teaching there, and Guiyang also has one or two "friends", but I don't have any; I can't stand the so-called "sympathy" from others, and I have other ideas. When I entered the hospital, I had already made the determination to "act decisively". However, on the eve of the labor, there was bursts of praise singing from the church near the hospital, and the half-bright electric light gently pressed on my eyelids. : "I should always keep this future life. If it is a man, I will teach him how to respect women; if it is a woman, I will teach her how to hate men, and use the most ruthless and indifferent to deal with the unworthy Smelly man!" I was an "idealist" again by then.

However, my emotional excitement was almost unbearable when the nurse brought the baby and put it in my arms on the second day after delivery.Although being a boy made me feel slightly uncomfortable, I hugged him tightly at that time, afraid of losing him.At that time, I felt that everything else in the world did not exist, only me and him; I had lost everything in the world, and now I only have his ear!My tears fell on his little face, he seemed to feel a little itchy, he stretched out his little hand to wipe it, but wiped the wrong place again; I stuffed the nipple into his little mouth, I closed my eyes, intoxicated The sweetest state.

But a vicious taunt seemed to be coming slowly, and finally made me shudder. "This child's father is him!"——the most despicable and shameless, and I can't forgive him no matter what! I cannot deny this fact.And every time I feel the presence of the child, this cruel fact attacks me with redoubled force, making all my memories electrified and active!Why didn't I try, with the most forgiveness, to find a little—just a little—goodness in him, but what did I get?The first is that my initial bond with him was very unnatural.What he needed from me at that time, I know; and on my side, for what, my God, I will not lie,-but, is this the punishment that has been imposed on me since then until now?

It's okay to punish me, I have no regrets, and I'm not timid! I distinctly remember that during the first two weeks after the baby was born, I was always in such ambivalence, that I seemed to hear my heart oscillating between two extremes—answer, answer; But it can be delayed any longer, and I resolutely act according to the predetermined plan.When the nurse came to take the temperature as usual, I said to her: "I plan to go out to find a friend. It will take three hours. Do you think it's okay? What about the child, please take care of it. I will feed him first, and I will go back If you cry, just give him some rice soup." This is the last time I will breastfeed my baby.It seemed that this little thing also had a premonition, and sucked fiercely; I thought enough of it a few times, and I wanted to let go of him. As soon as I let go, he cried, so I fed him again.My heart seems to have turned the five-flavored bottle upside down, but my decision remains unshakable.Suddenly, a sentence popped out from the long dust: "Even if I have a thousand days of wrongs, there should be one day's benefits. This time we break up, it will be a forever farewell. I hope that in your future happy life, you will sometimes remember you. It was good to have someone like me once in your body.”——Who said this sentence, I just recognized its taste at this time.I was contemplating it, and then I remembered that it was Xiao Zhao who said it, but I was very disgusted when I heard it at the time, and despised him for being unmanly!I looked blankly at the little face in my arms, I gently put him on the bed for the last time, I lowered my head, kissed his face gently, I slowly straightened my waist, and pressed my hand Heart, suddenly, I remembered, I haven't named this child yet! "Xiao Zhao, I'll call him Xiao Zhao!" - I muttered to myself, and couldn't help but let out a long cry. Why not, I'm going to mark a page in my life with this kid.Just as Xiao Zhao said, during our more than a year of union, even though there were thousands of bitterness, there should be a day of sweetness.And just as the sweetness of this day is irretrievable, so I shall never see this child again. I took one last look at my "Xiao Zhao", picked up the small bag I had already packed, walked out the door, and met the nurse in the yard, I just nodded to her, and pointed at my room again. , just drift away.I have lost my baby ever since! All of this, when I think about it today, still seems like yesterday.I owed that hospital two hundred and dozens of yuan, and I gave them a baby that was more than 20 days old, but my "Xiao Zhao" was only worth this?How will I be scolded in the hospital: a lowly woman?Heartless mother?Oh shit, me?Ten thousand are not!Do you have the heart?I have the right to blame myself like this, but people have no reason to scold me like this. I am not a woman like a woman, but I know that I am a mother like a mother! Maybe I still had a more "worldly taste" method at that time, for example, writing a touching and pitiful long letter and binding it to the child.Created a story, saying that I was exiled thousands of miles away, my family was scattered, and I didn't know where to go. Now that a piece of meat has left me, I can use it to find my husband thousands of miles away, but Guanshan is the barrier. Carrying this baby will bring more difficulties. The "last resort" is to stay in the courtyard. Respectfully ask for temporary custody, at least three months, at most half a year, and must come to receive the recognition as a reserve: so it is, and it is not impossible to prevaricate for a while and open up the way out.But why should I voluntarily participate in this comedy after being the protagonist of tragedy?Why should I honor my appointment?What's more, I owe people money, and I have to coax them to raise the children on my behalf, and I want to win people's praise,-hmph, this is naturally more human, but I know that I am not so low-spirited! In case some kind person adopts my "Xiao Zhao" and keeps the supposed long letter, and "Xiao Zhao" grows up believing that his mother is so holy and pure, wouldn't it be too funny what?Since I have the heart to abandon him, and I intend to steal a favorable position in his innocent heart, this is what some "heroes" in the world do, but I am not worthy, I am not so shameless! The facts are obvious: even if I have the power to "redeem" him back, I have no way to raise him.Am I sure to get rid of my environment?I can't let my kids see me loathe my environment so much while fooling around day in and day out.What is especially important is that I still have unrevenge; I need to single-handedly, uninvolved, give merciless revenge to those I hate and despise!I have identified the location of the enemy.