Chapter 36 walk

(in Berlin) a When I woke up, there were calligraphy and paintings piled up on the floor, all the way to the door.I don't know what's going on.Neither waking nor dreaming is right for me, and I know I'm not just right with waking things.It's also not suitable for sleeping.In the dream, there was no Yinger, nor the shadow of her pale red dress.I woke up halfway through the dream.In the dream, there was an old fish sitting there smoking and still talking about him, as if he was a little polite to me, so I sat there and flipped through the book, and then he said something that ran against me.I said you are here again.So the middle thing seems to be gone.It is a bungalow in Beijing, with water pipes in the middle of the yard, it seems to be the mother's house of tadpoles.There is a person who is exactly the same as a tadpole, but of course it is not a tadpole.Said to be tadpole's younger sister, cooking in the kitchen.It took a long time for the tadpole to come. It is said that she has gone crazy, so she is very fat, and I don't know her.I thought it must be tadpoles.

Many people are going to do something, but I will not.I made an excuse, I said I wanted to stay and write something.In fact, it was not at all, it was in the yard, helping the master to irrigate.See if the water boils, and the pot sits on the fire.There is water on the fire!It’s all in Beijing dialect, and it’s just such a courtyard, where everyone can walk away.I remembered the authentic Beijing dialect spoken by Yinger, washing dishes.The children in the compound said to wash, but she said "brush".Ying'er has always had a problem with the compound. She insisted not to go to the compound, thinking that it was another place and a different language.She has a female classmate who lives in the compound of the headquarters, and she refuses to go if she is asked, "So you are all children." She didn't realize it until she arrived in New Zealand, and she still went to the compound.

Sitting at Yang Jun's house drinking water.The qi in the grains of water was shining. I drank three glasses of water and looked at the globe.It sits in the afternoon light.I went to New Zealand and Germany and ordered a little bit with my hands.At the farthest point, on this earth, it couldn't be further away.Like an apple's stalk and its flower pedicle, it can't be farther away, it's impossible to think, according to our sun, the afternoon sun is about to rise there.Yang Jun helped me think about it, and she said that it was four o'clock over there, and it was still dark on that island.That tiny island, barely visible on the globe, hides my life-killer.

You received the letter, very happy, the fat man draws, draws him and Emma.I also dreamed about the fat man just now. I came out of that courtyard and went directly to the small theater, as if I was going to watch the next movie.I went first, and the fat man was sitting on a railing at the door, he didn't look like he was smiling like in the photo, his eyes were a bit big, and his hair was a bit long.He asked my mommy and he spoke English.I understand this sentence, I said: Mommy will come later.He said: Oh.He didn't know if he understood it, so he learned Chinese from me.He said: wait.I said: Yes, later.

I really don't know what I'm doing.When I woke up, there were calligraphy and paintings on the ground, and I needed to stamp them.Still working on something, the last few things.One, two, three.In the dark night, I really got a little bored, thinking about the unfinished dream, the unfinished business, thinking about that matter. Now it is dark for me. When I wake up at night, I look at the yellow moon outside. The sun has gone there. The sun over there shines on the sea and the islands, and on the people I think and the people you think. I saw that picture again, our island.It is surrounded by blue water, and the apple trees, plums, and African sage on the island are bearing fruit.The green spreads over the wall and invades, carrying the dew from last night, and it is now illuminated by the sun.Ray, the sun shines on our empty house every day, on the weedy steps in front of our door, there is no one, I don't know what the pain will become in these days and nights.But it is indeed black with death in it, and it grows unceasingly, with strange fantasies that I don't know; some colors directly turn into fruits, and some faintly rise like smoke.It started growing again.In the smoke, there are our past days, the days when we walked, the days when we picked fruit trees, the days when we washed clothes and hung the sheets, and there were Yinger’s hands and yours, and you harvested in the sun. Basket of sheets.

The colors of that painting are hurting me.The glassy blue color, and the earthy red color are hurting me.That's my home, where my life is, where I love. Walking home along the path in the evening, the twilight is cool, the leaves seeping from under the huge ferns and palms slowly rise, the sky is darkening, and the clouds are clear.Ying'er and I walked casually together, close to the cool air in the forest, the stars in the sky slowly appeared, and when we returned home, they suddenly and secretly lit up.This is the Antarctic starry sky, so dense. They are like the grains of wheat ears, dazzling and silvery with thin rays of light, sometimes flickering and floating in the atmosphere, and the atmosphere is also undulating like sea water. We used to live quietly at the bottom of the sea.The little island surrounded by the quiet night, the light illuminates it, as if it is in the palm of my hand.I seem to be getting further and further away from it.I can't see anything like it.

Ray, at dinner, I said it was a dead move.The chariots, horses, and cannons are all dead, and they will be dead in one move, and they can't make the next move. They can only make pawns, and there are only two moves.The thing I've always dreaded, nothing more. Ray, you're right, it doesn't matter to you, what matters to you is the fat man.Maybe you still don't quite believe in another life, a joke under the moon, but you can't see any other way out.Just like what I said in the car yesterday, the waves behind the Yangtze River pushed the waves ahead, and the fat man pushed me to see Hades.That's the way it is, Ying'er is a sword, a thorn, and a reason.Basically, I have nothing, I have nothing.You push the truth, you say you can't live like this.I said: What do you want to live for?This is where there is nothing to say, and I can't continue this life anymore.

We got off the iron bridge, left the main road, and walked on the wasteland. Yang Jun waved to us from the bridge. Those railroad tracks were among the grass, and the grass and young trees grew luxuriantly.Closer to the woods, there are railroad tracks, with birches, oaks, wild pears, and lilacs growing in the middle of the rails.It was a deserted place, full of ruins, empty windows, broken wells, living trees, no one came, and we walked around the lilac bushes and the thorns of the wild roses , the living city is invisible.Even the occasional figure swaying in the ruins far away, I will tell you: bypass him.You seem reluctant.Ray, you like people, I don't like people.Haven't liked them since I was sixteen, people are boring.

When I turned off the TV, I also said it was boring, they were all idiots, but in fact it was me who was boring.You said: A boring person has nothing interesting to watch. In the midst of the wild grass, the deserted woods were just right for me. I picked up the stones on the railway track and threw them, but I couldn't hit a tree for a long time.I can't run very fast, and I can't throw very far.As long as you walk down those few steps, you are human again. There are streets and steam arrays, which are living cities. I don't like them.Human disposition is not created by life.From a young age, I loved sitting in the grass matting, getting a little leaf, smashing it, and having a secret feeling.Line up the pebbles, sometimes even eat one or two.I like someone to be with me, to play my game, one person, two people, people who don’t go home, I like the sky not dark, it’s impossible to keep playing this game;

We walked on the abandoned gravel railway, it was warm in the afternoon, and a thunderstorm was coming.On the other side of the earth, I don't want to think so, Ying'er hasn't woken up before dawn.Her hair is loose, she has not yet woken up, her overlapping limbs make my heart chill, dreaming of snakes will not chill my heart like that.This is what keeps me alive. Ray, you were still talking about things with me yesterday, and you got angry again when you mentioned money.You want to continue living, I am speechless about this, but you also need to know how sharp some things are.Fortunately, I don't have the power to go mad at all now, and I don't have the power to die. I have to dodge the living rails.Those bright tracks, I can only walk in the middle of the rusted railway, among the grass, birch and oak trees, I can only walk back along this rusted and dead railway.

I have no hope.Nothing in the dream, nothing in waking up, I have nothing.Think about the moon, think about the sun, think about the things drawn on this small globe.I am doomed, like the nail that went through the globe to make it turn, turn.It is said that the earth is rotating, until it turns me back. Let's go together, Ray.But I also know that your heart is far away.In fact, my patience is running out, so why go? I hope I can fall asleep, the next dream is Yinger.