Chapter 22 Letter to Xiaonan

Xiaonan: Can't sleep, write to you. You said: If you don't bring Ying'er, you won't have these things.Maybe it's true. I still remember that you were trying on clothes in the house. Lei had a brown and checkered long dress, and Yinger was red.Then I went into the garden.Ying'er was a little discouraged when taking pictures, because you took pictures of Lei again and again. The photos you gave us are two of four people. I always carry them with me. I only look at them on special occasions. Other times my mood is not pure. Thinking about it now, it was already the Garden of Heaven.

What a wonderful spring, the best.There is nothing, but everything is there. Perhaps there are not many such moments in a lifetime. Ying'er took away every picture of her, this is where she is the coldest, sometimes she doesn't care about others, like me. I suddenly wanted a picture of us together.I live in the memory, and say some nonsense every day.Today I know why I write things. It would be nice if I could build a garden, a big garden, and I just water it. Memories are complete when nothing is possible. So glad to go back and see you, I don't know anyone anymore.You're fine, really.You are all fine, but I am not.Beijing is dust, while foreign countries are building blocks.Only when I miss every word of you, the memory is as fresh as ever.

I live for this, I really have no interest in other things, I may live for a while and finish the book. Xiaonan, people are too different, and when their nature is finally revealed, it is too cruel.But after all, there was a moment like a flower like a moon, we were together, looking this way.The photos are still pretty good, please give me some more photos. I am thirsty and I drink cold water. You have seen what I have become.Ray and you are still so kind, I have become a strange bird (I am writing a confession). In the book are all the days we met.I may not be able to see it when the book is published.

miss you. There are many words that cannot be said. city Friday, April 23, 1999 Thinking about it now, being able to see you is like a dream. I was too extreme, and writing a book opened me page by page before I realized that I had gone crazy long ago. I am not love, I am dreaming of a daughter world, my love is small. I dreamed of cleanliness and wanted her to kill me, and all desires were unclean except for one place in my heart. I love because I desire and also because I fear.I'm afraid the world will take them away, and if a girl is touched, my heart will tremble because that's my heart.

I'm not worthy of being loved, so I don't know how to love. Only when the world is turned upside down, I will become fierce. Instead of loving, I will hate. The world destroys girls. This is where my lifelong enmity lies. Herein lies my enmity with myself. I like good girls with good girls. I don't know why in the past, but now I know that it is the only possibility for me to realize love. I was born missing it. There are some things that make people happy when they are born, and some things that make people move. When girls are together, the atmosphere is moving. I am grateful for loving me, I hope she loves the gentle ice and snow in my heart, I don't really want her to love me as a man, I want to shine on each other and make the shadow fade away.

Because of my unquenchable desire and flame, I can never be saved.I can only dream of a life I can see seeing them together. I can only build my wall like crazy, my city, the border of my heavenly world. I draw the boundaries of my heart outside. It was a crazy idea, and I made it, in a split second. I have been preparing for so many years. Now I have nothing to do.I have the best wife, home, land, and a little money, but it's no use.I live for that, I don't know if I really loved, I just know that I love, love inexplicably. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, because I don't recognize life and everything it arranges—including birth. How can such a person still be alive?

At dawn, people will wake up, just like being born, and the water that is not tightly shut down makes me crazy. There is blood in my heart, and I have to cut it with a knife every once in a while.People can die when they can't stand it, but I don't want to die.Another part of me was alive, talking, laughing, being with other people, endlessly. If you give your heart to others, you can't take it back, and others give it to others, and it circulates in the world. (I don't mean the heart, I mean the body, I love, the body becomes my heart, it goes crazy.) I hope there are girls who love her and have spring.I want to see people who are equally beautiful, all pure and white, and my heart will return to its original peace. It can only be peaceful when it sees its own image. .

Otherwise it was trembling in filth, and I gave it to her, and she went to a more filthy place. I stood there looking weird.I cannot keep my heart, and my hands are unclean even after I have washed them.There's a fishy fire in my blood, it's hot, I'd love to say do you want me?Put this fire out.Let me dance for you like the sky is full of snow, spread all the way to the eaves, and there will be no footprints when you walk by. I really want to say, at least you take me away, my heart is worthy of you, it comes from heaven. But she put it in the pot like a soup, I am suffering, cold water and boiling water, day and night, my heart can not come back.

It was my worst fear, and that's how it turned out. I am not prepared to give you love.I'm not him, people from that world, you don't even know me, so you treat me as a human being.I also admit that you think that if you put me in the house, I will sit down and eat; you think that if I love you, it will become the house you live in. I know what I've been looking for, that assurance, that phantom, that dare to love and dare to die, without which would go back to the world and destroy my dreams.A little diary with a satin ribbon is not the same thing as flowers.Flowers bloom and fade until life and death, I long for love, bit by bit, take me away, do you want me?

My love is beyond the reach of human beings. You take me into life, and I say the road is wrong, so I stand at the intersection and build a house. When you come back from the street, you should earn some money. This is my job. I said: good.Then go to the world. I went out for you to stay in that place.When I came back, she was gone. I can't forgive.For she has taken my heart and gone to the filthy place, and I cannot die before my heart perishes. Mouth mouth mouth mouth mouth. city April 25, 1999 Xiaonan: I stood alone at the intersection, seeing that there was no one on either side, so I started running on the street.

I really feel that things are very simple, and it only takes a moment to end. Thank you for the photos and letting me know what a great day it was. No matter what I think, I'm still forgetting.I created a lot of images, which are fantasies, but they are actually better than them for myself.In fact, it is enough, a person does not want everything, but this, but this is more expensive than the sky.Not everything can be replaced.God gave it to you, whoever told you not to cherish it, I did something bad, now is the time for me to abandon myself. I say this because death will not leave me, I am not afraid, I can still look a little more, and give back to whom belongs to whom.I let many birds eat me.Their calls can be heard by the living, and she heard them too.She heard what I said from the living side, but didn't see what I said from the dead side, it was actually the same. Cars driving around have nothing to do with me.I can't understand the words, that's great. I stopped the car, it stopped, I waved my hand, and it left again.I don't know anyone, I'm a stranger.Just like when I came. Is there such a thing?It is enough for her to see me once, let alone an island. I don't understand anything, here. As long as Ray leaves me, death will come to me.She is so alive, you have seen how beautiful she is, in the garden, I was blinded because I was too close to the light. What I can't say, I hope she can say, It's better to fly by as a song than to be eaten by birds, I don't like burials.I don't like my hands, my thoughts, my bones, they hijack me, I only like a place in my heart, like a snowflake. I annihilate myself, and the world is gone, and there are no more dreams and springs to wake me up, and no more cars stuck on the snow-stained ground.What are you waiting for? I know, I won't say it. I always have a little thing, I should not say it until I die. city May 5, 1999