Chapter 57 Section 57

Here and now in New York, the first day it snows at minus ten degrees, the next day it gets warmer, the floor is full of dirty ice, and the shoes are soaked in water, you have to buy a pair of thick leather boots for this damn weather, you I prefer the mild winters in Paris.There are so many Chinese here. Walking on the street, you can hear Beijing dialect, Shanghai dialect, Shandong dialect, and the Henan dialect spoken by the villagers on the edge of the farm where you were reformed. And there are all kinds of Chinese snacks. , and even crab roe soup dumplings and sliced ​​noodles, one Chinatown after another, whether it is Manhattan in the center of the city or Flushing in Queens, so Chinese, more Chinese than China, where Chinese New Yorkers rebuild one false hometown after another.

You don't have a hometown, and you don't need to be a Chinese play in the United States, what you want is authentic Western actors.You hope to find a particularly American actress as the leading role, and you only meet the beautiful sister Lin after the premiere, although she is also 1/4*Turkish.You met her at a theater festival in Italy, and at midnight dinner after your play, she came to your table and put her arms around you. You are not a gentleman, so there is no need to pretend, Ding Xin wants to spread your desires all over the world, making the world muddy!This is of course a delusion, and it is unavoidably a little sad, and you know that this sadness is also adulterated. Yiyi is really glad to have picked up this life. At this moment, life belongs to you who called you a bastard, and let the law who called you a bastard Girl share, you are willing to give it to her, let her get wet too

That past is so far away, you're wandering around the world, it's not really sad.You like jazz, casual blues, like you do that show.An old picture frame was found in the prop warehouse, and a plastic thigh of a model fell into it, and "what" was written on it. This What is written quite fancy, and it is your signature.You mock the world, and you mock yourself. Only when the two cancel each other can you live happily.You would like to be a blues song, like the black singer Joan.That old Hartmann tune: they say fall in love so wonderful so wonderful they say fall in love

But it's too good to be cured... In the rehearsal room, the actors said that two black singers were shot and killed when they stopped to repair their car on the highway last night. The newspapers that day also published photos of the deceased. Although you have never heard his songs, you can't stop and feel sad. It's hard for you to love a Chinese girl anymore. You left the little nurse when you left China, and now you don't feel any guilt, and you don't live in guilt anymore. The soft moonlight, the misty hillside, the huts are faint, the harvested rice fields spread out in the valley, and a dirt road on the slope climbs in front of the barn door. This is a toothless idyll. You seem to have seen such a dream. I also saw that the door of the mud house was closed, and your female student was raped inside. No one could ask for help, and because she had no choice, she hoped to get a recruitment index so that she would not have to grow her own rations. This is what she wanted the price paid.She is far away on the other side of the earth, and she has long forgotten that there is such a person as you. You sigh in vain, what arouses is not so much a miss, but a desire.

She said that she had no desire at the moment, she said she wanted to cry, but the tears flowed down.You say you are full of desires that cannot be suppressed.But she said she didn't want to be a substitute, it's not her you want to enter, and she can't enter your heart, you are very far away.You said you were by her side just because you slept with her tonight!I told such a story to stimulate her, but she said don't use her to vent the pain in your heart.You said you didn't expect her to be so stupid like a French girl, she said she was just stupid, what can I do?You ask how she doesn't understand male evil?But she said that it would be good to lie down like this, she cherishes the relationship with you, don't let sexual desire dirty this beautiful emotion, just let her lie quietly, and said, she can also be crazy, if you want to It's a man he doesn't know and let him go, just because she loves you, and she won't ruin the relationship with you. You reminded her that she was a bitch. She said that she was still your little bitch , but not at this moment. You asked when? She said she didn't know, but it would be your little bitch, she would give you everything you wanted at that time, but you didn't wear a condom, she was afraid of getting sick, don't hate her! She Who told you that you didn’t think of it beforehand? Where did you find this thing in the middle of the night? The semen, her tears, and the sweat of the indistinguishable ones were all smeared on her lower abdomen, breasts and nipples. You asked her if she was happy? She said you can do whatever you want, but don’t ask. She hugged you and let You pressed against her swollen chest, saying that you love you no matter what, and the whispers and breaths were in your ears.

The curtains are drawn and it's another day, and you're then in a bar, sitting outside under big parasols, it's a Sunday afternoon, the sun is golden.She came to see your play specially and has to rush back to Paris. At six o'clock is the opening ceremony of her boyfriend's art exhibition. She said she should be faithful to him, and she loves you too.And you were full of joy, stretched your hand into the sunshine, and said that you could grab a handful of sunshine on your palm and let her try it, and she looked up and smiled.Holders are here!Say sorry, it's past lunchtime and the chef is off work.So what else is there to eat?Only ham fried eggs.Just fried eggs with ham!

The sun is too golden to be real and you find everything glowing.She said it was like taking drugs.Yes, with her, everything around you feels unreal, and you hear people's voices, far and clearly.She said she also felt very, very happy! You said you wanted to write it all out and she said it would be beautiful.You said that she gave you these feelings and helped you turn suffering into beauty, and everything was so heavy.She said that suffering will become beautiful after the past, you said she is a real French girl.a woman!She said it was correction and affirmation.You said you were still a witch, and she said maybe you were, she wanted you to vent your pain, and you became good.Yes, you are refreshed inside and out, like you have been thoroughly washed.She said she wanted this feeling, don't you think it is very precious?You said that she gave you this feeling, and she said that what she wants is you!not your desires.You said you still wanted to tear her up and swallow her.Then there is no more, she said, don't you think it's a pity.

You send her to the train station, she hooks your arm.You say you love her, she says she does too.You say you love her very much!She said she did the same.It's worth living, you say, pay attention, you want to sing!She couldn't stand up laughing.She said get in the car with her!You said that there is still a show tonight, you can't leave the actors alone, and you still have such a little responsibility.She said she knew—don't listen to her, that's what she was going to say.The doors closed and she mouthed three times as the train started, and the lips said I love you.You also know that she just talks like this, and as she said, she must remain faithful to her boyfriend.And if you really love her, you will fall in love with other women again.

You float lightly, drifting and losing weight, wandering from country to country, city to city, woman to woman, not wanting to find a destination, only chewing and playful words, leaving traces of life like ejaculated semen.You get nothing, and you no longer care about the past and future. Since this life is all picked up, why should you care?You only live in this moment, like a leaf about to fall, is it a black cypress or a poplar?After all, the leaves have to fall sooner or later, and they are still fluttering in the wind. At this time, you must be as comfortable as possible. You are still the hopeless prodigal son of the family that inevitably declines. , like music, like that black person jazz: they say it's wonderful to fall in love, so beautiful, it's so wonderful that it's so beautiful... ;.

The plastic thigh with your signature and name hanging in the old picture frame was pulled by an old man with a pouty mouth. It was slowly raised on the stage amidst singing, as solemn as raising a national flag. Your dancer , a Japanese girl, standing at the front of the stage, is also very solemn, stretching out her hands to offer a broken rose to the audience, and then grinning brightly, showing her black teeth. This is wonderful, so wonderful, it is so wonderful! The revolutionary art and the revolutionary people of the art have already played it, and you can’t get anything new if you play it again. The world is like a broken flag unfolding.In the early morning, driving from Provence to the Alps, you will face a flat fog, you have no body, no weight, and you will dissolve with the wind amidst mockery and self-deprecation. ...:

You are a sad jazz, in the hands of a woman, in that damp and deep cave, greedy and insatiable, what else can you complain about, this poor little bird. You are a saxophone, moaning with feeling, shouting with feeling, ah, farewell revolution!If you feel happy crying, just cry loudly, you are not afraid of losing anything, you will be free when you have nothing to lose, like a wisp of smoke, the fragrance of marijuana leaves mixed with the smell of Houttuynia cordata, what else is there to worry about?What else is there to be afraid of?When it disappears, it disappears. It disappears between the plump and moist thighs of a woman. This is really wonderful. Only then can I fully understand what life is. There is no need to pity, no need to save, and it is all squandered. This is so wonderful——. The thatch is flexible in the wind, the sea breeze on the north coast of Denmark is strong, on the undulating sand dunes, there is a circle of thatch clumps moving against the wind, you think it is a pair of wild swans, you only see it when you get closer." A pair of naked men and women turn around and walk away but hear They are laughing behind your back. The black sea beyond the desolate beach, the white waves are breaking down, rushing towards the seaweed-infested concrete bunker left by the Nazi occupation. If you want to cry, just lie on her thick breasts, and cry on the sweaty and lubricated breasts smeared with semen. You don't have to be reserved, just like the child who needs the warmth of his mother.You not only enjoy women, but also yearn for their tenderness, tolerance and acceptance. The first time you saw a naked woman was your mother, and you saw the light from the half-open door, and you slept on the bamboo bed in secret!Hearing the sound of water, wanting to see clearly, propping up his elbows, the bamboo bed also made a sound.Your mother comes out after washing her body with soap, so you straighten your face and lie down, pretending to be asleep.She comes back into the tub with the door still open and you look at the breasts that fed you and the place where the black bushes gave birth to you, hold your breath, then gasp, then fall asleep in burgeoning desire and bewilderment up. She said that you are just a child. At this moment, your desires have subsided, you are satisfied, and you are tired, you are her good child.She caresses you lightly, and you sit flat against the ground under her palm and look at your body. The shrinking thing between your crotch is called her bird.She has soft eyes, strokes your hair, and you are deeply grateful!What do you want to rely on, rely on the woman who gives you happiness and comfort in life.You call it love, you call it sex, you call it sadness, you call it a desire that agitates you, you call it language, an expression, a need to let loose, a pleasure to let go, that doesn't contain Any morality, without any hypocrisy, is vivid, washes you clean, and is so transparent that it becomes a ray of life consciousness, like a ray of light shining through the door, but there is nothing behind the door, hazy, like the moon in the clouds You can hear the seagulls calling and flapping their wings in the night sky, and the sea tide emerges from the dark depths and turns into a white tide. In Valreggio, Italy, the searchlight illuminates the seashore, and the beach is deserted. You stood for a long time in front of the big parasols with red and white stripes. And now in New York at night, the ice and snow on the sidewalks are dirty and muddy, this very common New York, Larry's sloppy New York, the New York piled up with money soaring into the sky, the dizzying New York, you have to stand on the street and breathe New York smoking in the cold, you and her, you play the role of a young girl who is a slut mother, a zombie nun, a female ghost, a Japanese dancer without a line, after the show, find a bar where you can smoke and have a "cup" . Walk from Eighth Street or Ninth Street in Manhattan for more than thirty streets, and finally on Third or Fourth or Fifth or maybe Sixth Avenue, you never remember the number, and you find a Brazilian or Mexican bar.All in all, the atmosphere there is very good, candles are lit on the table, but the rock music is too loud to flirt, and you can only hear clearly when you talk face to face, and the talks are all about art, very serious art.She said that she was very happy to be able to play so many roles in one play, it was really enjoyable, as if this play was written just for her.You scolded the *New York Times*, and the promoter hired by the troupe said hello again and again, and their reporter was coming, but no one was seen after the play was over.She said off-Broadway theaters were like that, it was hard to get on their pages, but she had no regrets about working with you. "I'll miss you," she said, looking at her fingers with ink-blue nails. This is about life. You said that her nails seemed to be brown two days ago. She said that she often changes them, and several nails can have different colors. What kind of nails do you like?You said that it is better to be blue and gray, which looks colder on the stage, although what you are looking at is dance and body, this is back to art. "What about the lipstick?" she asked. "Are there jet black ones?" you ask. "There are any colors you want, why didn't you say so earlier?" "That's the make-up artist's business, I don't care about it," you said. "But the show is over!" she sighed. "Next, what new play or show?" you ask her instead. "Wait, look at the opportunity. There is a musical and I have to choose dancers. Next week I have two opportunities to recruit actors. My dad has long asked me to go back to Japan, either to join the office worker or get married, my dad If you say you can’t eat by dancing, you should have enough to play.” She also said that his father was about to retire and couldn't support her forever.But her mother is up to her to decide. Her mother is a Chinese born in Taiwan and she is very enlightened.She said she was not *fit* to see Japan, as women were not free in that society.You said that you love Japanese literature, especially women in Japanese literature. "why?" "It's sexy and brutal." "That's in the books, not real. Have you ever had a Japanese woman?" she asked. "Would love to have one," you say. "Then you'll have it," she said, looking towards the bar counter. You pay the bill and she says thank you. At the Grand Central Station of the 42nd Street Subway, you remember this 42nd Street very clearly. You transfer trains here every day for rehearsals and performances. letter.But you never received a letter from her, and you just saw her address on a torn corner of a napkin when you were cleaning up a package of materials for your trip to New York a few months later, and you sent her a postcard, but there is no whereabouts. , I don’t know if she went back to Japan.