Chapter 51 Section 51

Talk about these past events with Sylvie. Unlike Marguerite, she is completely different. She has no patience to listen to your narration, and she is not interested in pursuing your past.What she cares about is her own affairs, her love, her emotions, which are constantly changing every moment.If you want to talk about politics with her for more than three sentences, she will interrupt you.She is not troubled by ethnic origin, and most of her lovers are foreigners, North African Arabs, Irish, Hungarians with a quarter of Jewish blood, or Jews in Israel, and the latest one, if you can count it as a lover, is It's you, but she says she'd rather have you as a friend than a sex partner.Of course she had French boyfriends or sexual partners, but she said she wanted to leave France and go somewhere far away, like a tropical country like Indonesia or the Philippines, or Australia.She likes to bask in the sun, go to the shining beach, and start a new life again, but falls into the old routine again.Of course she is not with you, she is pregnant, this is her third abortion.She wanted to give birth to this child, but a woman has to give birth to a child, should she or not?The man never said anything clear, so she knocked him out in a fit of anger.Afterwards, this man was born because he said he couldn't get rid of it. If he wanted it, then she had to raise it?It's not that she doesn't want a child, but she must have a stable family first, but she hasn't found such a man yet, so she is distressed.Her distress is profound, the most fundamental distress that every human being has, the contradiction between freedom and limitation, in other words, where is the limit of freedom?She has no livelihood problems, and her small apartment on the top floor of the sixth floor was paid for by her parents.Outside the window is a red-tiled roof with a pharynx, and you can also have a panoramic view of the steeple of a church in the distance behind the roof. This is an intoxicating Paris, and it is rainy and melancholy. You can’t help but think of having sex in the ground room.

It is said that her distress is profound, not that she cannot find a man she loves and people love her, she has no shortage of men.The men love her too, at least to some extent, even after they have new loves, they still come to her from time to time.She says she's not a slut, she reminds you, but she wants to get serious about doing something meaningful, or rather fun, about making art, like having a baby, something worthwhile for her. Children who devote themselves wholeheartedly, including spiritual children, are the deepest part of the problem.But what is worth putting your heart and soul into?To be honest, there is only love, but it is very difficult to manage this love well. You must know that it does not depend on her alone.

When you fuck the floor or when she lets you fuck, she really puts her heart into it, but you’re done when you’re satisfied, and she feels very wronged. Of course, there are men in this world who are good at sex, but she doesn’t love them that much. What do you want to seek? The most love and the greatest pleasure, this is like an ideal or a dream, it is also utopia. She fully understands this, so she is sad! Her sorrow is also deep, the deep sorrow of human beings, and the sorrow that cannot be resolved. . She appreciates art as much as she loves men!But it is impossible for her to do art, she must have the spirit of dedication to the cause, but she thinks it is stupid.She is not stupid enough to dedicate herself to art, she wants to live art instead of being a work of art for people to appreciate.Besides, she is almost the same as herself, with enough charm of a young woman that not many men can resist, but she is not a plaything for men.On the contrary, she enjoys men, and love has to be enjoyed as she thinks it is worthwhile, but love often brings her frustration.

You still can't give her relief, you think you understand her, so try to overcome jealousy, tell her, go enjoy the man she loves!Like the devil who instigated Eva to seduce, you are the snake, but she doesn't need you to teach her, she already knows how to seduce and be tempted.She was much younger than you when you were still struggling for the basic right of a person to exist, and she had already tasted the bitterness of the forbidden fruit before you tasted it.She's way too smart when you're an idiot or trying not to be an idiot.She can't bear a little bit of grievance, unless she wants the kind of masochistic pleasure, pay attention: then it is accepted as enjoyment.

But don't think of her as a feminist, she has no doctrine like you, and she shuts down whoever mentions the word feminist.You dare not talk about feminism, and you have not personally experienced the oppression of patriarchy. If you are not a woman, you cannot really understand the difficulties. What is the significance of this resistance. In any case, Culve is not a feminist, definitely not.She said that she could actually be a very good wife and spend a wonderful sleepless night with you. She already made the coffee for you when she got up early, and the bread slices were toasted yellow. She carried the tray on the bed with bare feet and sat cross-legged. Opposite you, she is also happy to see you eating deliciously. That smiling face is like the sunlight that shines into the room when you open the curtains. You can’t see the tired face of staying up all night. At that time, she was a very cute girl, or rather, a radiant girl. young woman, when she is in good spirits.

But when she's depressed, there's nothing you can do, none of your bullshit will comfort her.Then you know that you can't marry her, you can only be lovers, maybe lifelong friends, but as she said, you can't be a partner, which also makes you sad.So, her grief is so deep, and it affects you deeply, that it cannot be healed. You worry that she will kill herself one day, like her companion Martine.A week before Martine's death, I had a conversation with her, which was selected and recorded.An old pocket recorder was on the table. They were drinking and talking, and the recorder was on. It was Martina who played it. She didn't care at first, but then she found that Little Red was on and the tape was playing. She asked: " Are you recording?" Martina's tongue is a bit big, and she started to drink it in the afternoon. When she arrived, there were already many empty beer bottles on the table, and it was Martina's daily routine to eat beer as a meal and drink it as water.She laughed, Martina's voice on the tape, that hoarse voice.Tilvey said that her girlfriend used to have a good voice, a natural mezzo-soprano, and she was in a choir before entering the mental hospital, and she participated in the performance of Fauré <Requiem 1, at the Saint-Germain Cathedral , the French music radio station also recorded the sound, and performed formally.

You never met Martina, and when you met Sylvie she had been dead for months.The only remnant left to Gervi is this small tape. After listening to the second half, the battery was almost exhausted during the recording, and their voices, especially Martina's rough voice, became like men. As for the vagueness, it is completely inaudible. They began to say without seriousness, "Would you like to drink some?" "Have a glass", "I still have half a bottle of red wine," "Hasn't it turned sour?" "Where, I just opened it yesterday..." Then the glass There were noises and whistling, probably wiping the table.Tilvey said that Martina's house was so dirty that it was almost impossible to set foot in it, but it wasn't like this before, it was after she came out of the mental hospital.Martina said she hated the psychiatric hospital, hated her mother, who had put Land in the psychiatric hospital.The tape also said that he met a man on the street and brought him home.Then the two laughed, Tilve the shrill one, and Martine the one with the big tongue. They laughed for a long time, and there was the sound of wine glasses again. "How is it?" It was Tilvi who asked.I chased him away.He stayed there until the next afternoon, when I said I was going to call the police, and he scared away. "It was laughter again.

"How old was it when it died—" you asked Gervi. "Older than me...nine years old, thirty-eight when he died." "Not very old. She never married?" you ask. "No, they all lived together and broke up later." "How did you die?" "I don't know. On the fourth day after her death, her mother called me and said that there was such a tape. I wanted it back, but her mother refused to give it to me. I said I had my voice and wanted to keep it as a souvenir." "Didn't you ask her mother? How did she die?" "Her mother didn't say much, only that she committed suicide, and she didn't meet me. She knew me. The tape was sent by mail. Of course, Martina's book has my address."

She has shown you a picture of Martina, a girl with very sharp eyes and mouth, grinning wide open, maybe because of makeup, compared with Sylvie's light brown eyes, the eyebrows and eyes It was much deeper, and it was filmed when they roamed Spain together that summer, almost ten years ago.Vincent next to Martina, thin, with sunken eyes and a green beard, lived with Martina at the time and had a minivan, and they let her and the handsome young man behind her head Take it, Wen Erwei had just entered college at that time, and Jean was two years older than her. It is said that she was his first real lover. She would rather believe that although Jean and she had already had such experience before, there is no need Say, sexual experience.In the other photo album she showed you, there is a photo of Martina a year before her death. The corners of her mouth are drooping, and she looks like a woman who has passed away. Gervi said that she is much more beautiful than this photo. , has the allure of a mature woman, that melancholy tiredness.

It was difficult for her to express her feelings for Martine, they talked about everything, but she had been estranged from Martine for several years.It was after returning from Spain that she hated her, Mulvey said she hated Martina.She also brought a tent, and it rained heavily one night, making her so embarrassed that she couldn't sleep.It was Martine who told them to go to the car, and she and Jean first slept together in the front seat of the car.Martina asked her to go to the back to lie with her again, but made love to Vincent, which made her very uncomfortable and pretended to be asleep.Then, somehow, Martine climbed into the front seat again and let Vincent sleep with her, she was in a daze, and it was raining again. When it was daylight, she heard Martina and Jean Wan Sang put his hand into her bed for that matter, and she and Wan Sang started doing it. At that time, the rain was rustling on the roof of the car, which seemed quite natural. The hotel they stayed in the next day, It was a room with an extra bed that Wan Sang asked for. Martina smiled and said that she would give Wan Sang and her the big bed. That's when she started sucking on men.

Such was life, Martina broke up with Vincent, and she did not love the man.She didn't ask how long Martina's relationship with Jean lasted, but she didn't like him anymore, she didn't care about his business, and she had another boyfriend. "Are you still listening?" she asks you, mockingly. She also said that what she wanted to know was whether Martina had made up her mind to commit suicide when she was recording with her?And why didn't she say it differently?She doesn't resent her now, that has passed long ago, and the sense of disillusionment and excitement no longer makes her dizzy, is it Martina's bad idea or a trap set by Wan Sang?But she just jumped in and didn't resent anyone. She had tasted both intoxication and bitterness, guilt and pleasure, both of which were beyond morality.Her feelings for Martine were indescribable, and Martine was the only one she could confide in. "You men don't understand, you can't understand, don't misunderstand the relationship between two women." She said that she is not gay, and there has never been anything like what you men imagined between her and Martina. Know what you are imagining.She can also tell you that she is still somewhat attached to Martina, she understands why she killed herself, she is not mentally ill, her family wants to treat her as if she was mentally ill, for the sake of face, her mother cannot allow her daughter to be a bitch , but she is not a bitch, never was, she just no one can understand, people do not want to understand a person!That's it.