Chapter 43 Section 43

"You are just using me, this is not love." Qing lay on the bed, expressionless, and said very clearly. He sat at the table by the window, put down the pen in his hand, and turned around.He hadn't written anything for several years, except to deal with censorship and copied quotations for a few days, and that was before he escaped from the farm. They went to the mountains for a long time, and it rained on the way back, so they got wet.There was a charcoal fire in the room, and the wet clothes on the bamboo curtain were steaming. He got up and sat on the edge of the bed, Qian lay face up in the quilt, eyes wide open.

"Say what?" He didn't touch her. "You ruined my life," Qian said, still not looking up at him. These words stung him, and for a moment he didn't know what to say, so Deng sat down. In the valley on the side of the mountain, Qian was fine at that time, singing loudly with great interest.He ran to the slopes far away!No one could be seen near the withered grass, so Mingqian sang loudly, her bright voice passing over the valley, and the wind brought a faint rumble.Under the hillside covered with weeds and shrubs, clusters of straw roots in the harvested terraces have not been plowed, making it look even more desolate.If only spring!The hillside is full of bright red azaleas, and the rapeseed flowers in the field are all yellow, but he likes the decadent and desolate scene in early winter even more.

On the way back, in the rain, by the side of the ditch, he picked some daisies and dark red boxwood branches and leaves that had not yet faded, which were now inserted into the bamboo pen holder on the table. Qian cried so much that he couldn't understand. He reached out to comfort her, but she resolutely pushed her away. In the rain, Qian's hair was completely wet, and the rain water flowed all over her face, so she just lowered her head and hurried on the road.He didn't know at the time if she had cried at that time, but he just said it was okay, and she would be warm in the charcoal fire room when she got home.He has never lived with a woman, and he doesn't understand why he has such an attack after being drenched in such a small amount. He is helpless, thinking that he loves her and has done everything he can for her, and the possible happiness in this world can only be like this .

He went out to Maomei's house, why did he go to this little girl's house instead of someone else?Because it was the second house in the village, and it was still raining, and because Maomei's mother said that if you want to eat chicken, you can come and catch it.Maomei's mother was picking vegetables in the main room, and said to catch an old hen immediately, and send it over when it was killed. He said there was no rush, and it would be fine tomorrow morning. Going back to the room and pushing open the door, he was dumbfounded, the wet clothes on the cover were thrown on the ground, and the cover made of bamboo strips was crooked on the side, and it was also crushed.Qian was still lying on the bed, face inward.He tried his best to suppress his anger and barely sat down at the table!It rained continuously outside the window.

Depressed and with no place to vent, he was immersed in writing, and when it got dark, he could hardly see where he was writing, when Mei Mao called out from outside the door.He got up and opened the door, and the woman brought a hen that had been plucked, opened and washed, and held a bowl in her hand—it contained the offal.He didn't want her to see the messy clothes here, so he took the chicken and hurriedly closed the door.But Mei Mao still saw it, she was stunned, and her eyes turned to him.Avoiding Maomei's big surprised eyes, he closed the door and bolted it, and sat silently by the overturned stove, looking at the charcoal fire that was still red and dark on the ground.

"You don't believe in God, Bodhisattva, Solomon, Allah, from the totems of the barbarians to the religions of civilized people, your contemporaries have many creations, such as idols everywhere, utopias that don't exist in the sky, it makes people crazy It’s inexplicable..." There are several pages, written on the thin letter paper bought in this small town.Qian saw it after she had an attack with him, and it was too late to get burned again. "You are the enemy!" When his now-wife said he was the enemy, he saw unmistakably the fear, the delusional eyes, the dilated pupils.He thought Qian was crazy, completely out of order, maybe really crazy.

"You are the enemy!" He was equally terrified by the resentful words of the woman he slept with.Cong Qian's bright eyes also reflected his fear.Each other is an enemy, so he must be an enemy.The woman opposite him has disheveled hair!Wearing only a trouser fork, barefoot on the ground, terrified. "What are you shouting for? People will hear you, why are you crazy?" He approached her. The woman stepped back step by step, leaning tightly against the wall, rubbing the sand and stones off the dirt wall, and shouted: "You are a rebel, you stinky rebel!" Recognizing the emotion in the latter sentence, he felt relieved, and said, "I'm a rebel, a real rebel! What's the matter?"

He had to keep his sharp edge in order to restrain this woman's madness. "You lied to me, took advantage of my weakness—I fell for you," "What? Tell me clearly, was it that night by the river? Or this marriage?" He had to shift the matter to their sexual relationship, he had to cover up his inner panic, and he tried to keep his tone peaceful, but he still had to say, "Qian, you're thinking crazy!" "I'm sober, I can't be more sober, you can't lie to me!" With one hand, Qian brushed the palm on the bookcase and even the plate and the chicken to the ground, and smiled coldly.

"What are you going to do?" He was instantly angry and approached her. "Are you going to kill me?" Qian asked strangely, probably seeing the fierce look in his eyes. "Kill you for what?" he asked. "You know best yourself," the woman whispered, breathless and timid. If the woman had called him an enemy again, he might have killed her right then and there.He couldn't let her say that word again, he had to hold the woman steady, lure her to the bed, pretend to be a considerate and caring husband, stepped forward and said slowly: "Qian, what are you thinking? "

"No! You are not allowed to come over!" Qian picked up the urine pot from the corner cover and threw it on his head.He raised his hand to block it, but his head and body were dripping wet. The irritating smell was more insulting. He gritted his teeth and touched the salty piss on his face, and spat out, which did not conceal his deep-seated contempt , said: "You are crazy!" "It's not that easy for you to beat me crazy!" the woman grinned, "I can't take advantage of you either!" He understood the threat in these words, and he wanted to burn the few letters on the table before all this broke out.He had to gain time and restrain Mei Pu from passing by.At this time, the urine on the hair flowed to his mouth again, and he spit out, feeling aggrieved, but still didn't move.

The woman knelt down on the spot and burst into tears.He couldn't let the people in the village hear or see this scene, so he dragged her up, twisted her arms, pressed her straight legs, pressed her to the bed, struggled and cried desperately, grabbed the pillow and pressed her face.He thought of hell, this was his life, and he still had to survive in this hell. "If you mess around again, I'll kill you!" He threatened, got up from the woman, took off his clothes, and wiped the urine on his head and face.After all, this woman was afraid of death, sobbing and sobbing.The plucked and plump hen on the ground had its internal organs hollowed out, and the two legs with the remaining feet were stretched out. It looked like a woman's corpse, which disgusted him from the bottom of his heart. He hated women for a long time in the future, and he had to use his loathing to bury his pity for this woman in order to save himself.Maybe Qian is right, he doesn't love her, he just enjoys her, he needs her body for a moment.What Qian said was right, he didn't have tenderness for her, and that tenderness was also manufactured in an attempt to create a false happiness. The look in his eyes after he had sex with her and ejaculated might reveal that he didn't love her.But on that occasion, the sexual desire of both parties was aroused in fear, and it did not turn into love afterwards, leaving only the disgust born after the sensual desire was vented. Qian cried and cried, repeating "you buried me, and you buried me..." In the murmur of crying, he heard that Qian's father had worked as the chief engineer in the arsenal of the Kuomintang era, and had been eliminated when the class ranks were cleaned up. The Military Control Commission designated him as a historical counter-revolutionary.I dare not curse the dictatorship of my father!Not daring to curse the revolution, but only to curse the rebels—only to curse him, but also to be afraid of him. "It is this era that ruins you," he retorted. Qian also said something similar in her letter, "The reality is that no one can escape, and they are destined to stay with each other. Let's not talk about love!" "Then why are you still looking for me? Go find that little bitch, why do you still want to marry me?" "Who? Who are you talking about?" he asked. "You hairy girl!" "I have nothing to do with this village girl!" "That little flirt you're after, why did you use me as a stand-in?" Qian cried. "It's really inexplicable! You can also divorce immediately, go to the commune tomorrow, declare that the signature is invalid, and call it a joke, it's a big deal" It's a nasty farce, just let the township cadres and villagers here laugh at it! " Qian sniffled and said, "I won't make trouble anymore..." "Then go to sleep!" He woke her up and tore off the new bed sheets and mattresses that were soaked in urine. Qian stood aside pitifully, waiting for him to make the bed, then threw the clean clothes in the bag on the bed, and asked her to change into bedclothes. Down.He fetched water from the water tank, washed his head, face and body, and sat on a small stool by the ashes all night. Will he stay with her like this forever?He was just a straw for her?He had to wait for her to fall asleep before burning the handwriting on the table.It can only be said that she is insane if she wants to have another attack.He didn't leave any more words, and just rotted in this irritating smell. Qian said that he hoped that she would die early, and would never go out with him again. He would push her down to a place where there was no one, a rock or a river. He would never try to trick her into going out again. Not going anywhere!two And he hoped that she would die without a problem and disappear forever, but he didn't say that.He regretted that he didn't find a girl from the country, who was healthy in body and mind and had no culture, who only mates with him, cooks, and bears children, without intruding into his heart, no, he hates women. When Qian left, he took her to the bus station on the edge of the town.Qian said, "Don't wait for the car to leave, let's go back." He didn't speak, but he hoped that the car would start quickly.