Chapter 3 Section 3

"He needs a den, a shelter, a home where he can hide from others, where he can have privacy from surveillance. He needs a soundproof room where he can shut the door and talk loudly without being heard, He can say whatever he wants, a place where he can think aloud about his own personal world. He can no longer be wrapped in a cocoon! Like a voiceless assistant, he has to live, feel, and make love to women, moaning or shouting. He I have to strive for a living space, I can no longer bear the depression for many years, including the desire to reawaken, I have to have a place to vent. "At that time, a single bed, a desk, and a bookshelf had just been placed in his small cubicle. After installing a coal stove for heating and iron ventilation ducts in winter, it was difficult for one more person to turn around in the room. Simple. Behind the partition wall, the worker and his wife can hear the couple having sex at night and the baby peeing. There are two other families in the yard, and the public water pipes and sewers are in the yard. Every time the girl comes to his hut, she is always left and right by the neighbors. Watching, he has to leave the door ajar, not chatting, but drinking tea. His wife who has been separated for more than ten years has investigated the neighborhood committee through the party committee of the Writers Association. The party will control everything, from his Thought, writing, and private life.

"When the girl came to him, she was wearing an oversized cotton military uniform with a red collar badge. She blushed and said that she was very moved after reading his novel. He was wary of the girl in military uniform. With a baby face, he asked her how old she was. The girl said that she hadn’t graduated from the military medical school and was doing an internship in a military hospital. This year, that is, that year, she was seventeen. He thought it was the age when girls are easy to be emotional. "He closed the door and kissed the girl before he got the court decision to divorce his wife. When he held his breath and stroked the girl, he also heard the neighbors pouring water in the yard, doing laundry, washing vegetables, pouring dirty water into the sewer, and the footsteps of the past.

"He became clearer and clearer, so the need for a home is not to have a woman. What he needs first is an impermeable roof and four walls that are sealed and soundproof. But he doesn't want to marry another wife. The past ten years have been in vain. Legally bound marriage is enough, he has to indulge. He has doubts about women, especially young, beautiful and promising girls who may fall in love with him. He has been betrayed and denounced many times. When he was in college, he fell in love with a girl in the same class—she had the same sweet looks and voice. This lovely girl pursued progress and reported her ideas to the secretary of the party branch. The sarcasm of Song of Youth is also reported by the way. Of course, this girl didn't mean to hurt him, and she didn't have any feelings for him, but the more affectionate the girl, the more she couldn't stop showing her heart to the party, just like a person with faith He needs to confess to the priest the secrets of his heart and heart. The Communist Youth League branch thinks he has a dark mind! This is not so serious. Although he failed to join the Communist Youth League, he was allowed to graduate from the university. The serious thing is his wife. If the report is based, Get even a piece of paper that he secretly wrote, and that era is enough to label him a counter-revolutionary. Ah, in that era of revolution, the girls were also crazy about the revolution, and the revolution was terrifying.

"He can't trust such a girl in military uniform. People came to him to ask him about literature. He said that he couldn't be a teacher and suggested going to university night school. Nowadays, there are all kinds of literature classes. You can sign up for some money. I can still get a diploma in two years. The girl asked him what kind of books he should read? He also said that it is best not to read textbooks. Come and see. This girl said that she also wanted to learn to write, but he advised her not to learn, otherwise it would only delay her future, and he himself was in constant trouble. Such a simple girl, wearing a military uniform and studying medicine, has a bright future Guaranteed. But the girl said that she was not so simple, not as he imagined, she wanted to know more things, she wanted to understand life, which was not contradictory to wearing a military uniform and studying medicine.

"It's not that he's not interested in this girl, but he'd rather have easy sex with the kind of slut who's been in the muddy pit at the bottom of society, and don't have to bother to teach this girl what life is, and what life is? Only God knows. "He couldn't explain what life is to this girl who came to ask for advice, let alone what literature is, just as he couldn't explain what he called literature to the secretary of the Writers Association Party who led him. unlucky. "Facing the military uniform worn by such a fresh and lovely girl, he couldn't move, think, let alone dream. He didn't think of touching her, let alone having sex with her. The girl even came to take a few pieces from his bookshelf." He had read all the book, his face was flushed, and he was still panting slightly when he entered the door. He still made her a cup of tea, and asked her to sit on the chair behind the door by the desk like an editor who received a draft. Sitting on another armchair in front of the desk. There is also a simple sofa in this small room, which was already in history at that time. A coal stove was installed in the room for heating, and the sofa was moved to the wall next to the bed. If the girl was to sit on the sofa, the metal ventilation duct installed on the coal stove would block her face, making it difficult to talk. They all sat at the desk, and the girl was still fiddling with the few returned books because Reactionary and pornographic novels have been banned, that is to say, this girl has tasted the forbidden fruit, or she is so disturbed because she knows what the forbidden fruit is.

"He noticed that the girl's skin started from the slender and tender hand, which was close at hand, and kept touching the book. The girl also noticed that he was looking at her hand, so she put her hand under the table, and her face became more red He started to ask the girl what she thinks of the protagonists in the books, mainly the heroines. The behavior of the women in those books does not conform to the current morality and the teachings of the party. He said that this is probably the so-called life, and life has no size. This girl is going to expose him one day, or the party organization in the army she serves ordered her to confess her dealings with him. He is not wrong in saying that. His past life experience reminds him constantly. Ah, that is also called Life!

"The girl later said that Chairman Mao had many women, so he dared to kiss her. The girl also closed her eyes and let him caress her body that was so sensitive as if it had been electrocuted in the large military cotton coat. At that time, the girl asked if she could do it again. Borrowing such a book for her to read? Saying that she wants to know everything, there is nothing terrible about it. Then he said that if books also become forbidden fruit, this society will be really terrible, and how many people will be buried in the so-called Cultural Revolution that finally came to an end The girl said she knew all about it, and she had seen the person who was beaten to death. The black nosebleed was full of flies, and she said it was a counter-revolutionary and no body was collected. She was still a child at that time. Don’t treat her like a child. She is an adult.

"He asked what does it mean to be an adult? Second, she said don't forget that she is a medical student, and smiled. He then pinched her hand and kissed his soft lips. After that, she often came to return and borrow books , always on Sundays, staying longer and longer, sometimes from noon to dark, but she has to catch the 8:00 p.m. The sparseness subsided, and the neighbors closed the door, so he sewed the door shut and made out with her. She never took off her military uniform, looked at the clock on the table, and hurriedly buttoned the uniform button when the last bus was approaching .

"He needs a room that can protect privacy more and more - he finally got the divorce judgment from the court, proposed to get married in accordance with the official orthodox view of life, and said that the condition for the woman to register for marriage with him is that he must first have a serious room. He has 20 years of working experience, including those years of rural reconstruction during the Cultural Revolution. According to the regulations on housing allocation, he should have been allocated housing. But he still has to struggle for more than two years. I don’t know how many times the cadres quarreled and quarreled. Before the higher party leaders who lead the Writers Association criticized him, they finally won a small apartment. He used all his savings and paid in advance for a book. Part of the manuscript fee, and regardless of whether the book can be published or not, it has settled a small comfort zone.

"The girl came to his newly assigned room, and as soon as the spring lock of the door was touched, the two of them were very excited. It hadn't been painted yet, there was lime mortar all over the floor, and there was no bed! There was only a piece of lime stained On the plastic sheet, he stripped off the girl's thin body that had been hidden under the large military uniform. But in the end, the girl begged him not to enter her body. The local military hospital has regulations, and a comprehensive medical examination is required every year. For physical examination, unmarried female nurses have to check whether the hymen is intact. They have to undergo strict political review and physical examination before serving in the military. In addition to daily medical work, they may also have military missions to accompany the chiefs on business trips at any time to ensure the health of the chiefs. She is allowed to marry at the age of 26, and her marriage partner must be approved by the army leader, and she cannot be discharged before that. It is said that state secrets may be involved.

"He did everything, except for penetration, or rather he kept his promise and did everything else he could do. Soon, the girl received a military order and accompanied the head of the army to inspect the Sino-Vietnamese border! information. "Nearly a year later, also in winter, this girl suddenly appeared in front of him. He had just returned from drinking at a friend's house in the middle of the night, when he heard someone knocking on the door gently. The girl was crying! She said that she had been waiting outside for a long time. She was frozen for six hours, and she didn’t dare to stay in the corridor. She was afraid that people would see her and ask her who she was looking for, so she had to hide in the shed outside. It was hard to see the light in this room. He quickly closed the door and drew the curtains , the girl's petite body was still wrapped in the baggy army coat, and he didn't feel relieved, and he fucked her on the pool blanket again, tossing and turning, no, tossing the river and sea, naked like two fish, rather like Two-headed beasts, tearing grass, clustering five is success."Also skin wrestling.She was crying, and he said it's better to cry aloud. — Said he was a wolf.She said no, you are my good brother.He said that he wanted to be a wave, a fierce, greedy and blood-eating beast.She said she understood his brother!She belongs to her brother, so she is not afraid of anything. From now on, it only belongs to his brother. What she regrets is that she didn't give it to him earlier:  …He said stop it. "After that, she said that her parents would try to get her to leave the army no matter what. At that time, he got an invitation from abroad and couldn't make the trip. She said she could wait somewhere—she was his brother's little girl. And he finally took When it came to the passport and visa, she was the one who urged him to leave quickly so as not to change his mind. He didn't expect that this would be, Shui Farewell, maybe he didn't want to think so! So as not to touch the depths of his heart. "He didn't ask her to come to the airport to see him off, and she said she couldn't ask for leave. Even if she took the first train to the city from her military camp in the morning, and then changed a few times to the airport, it would probably be too late to arrive before he took off. "Before this, he didn't think that he would leave this country. It was only when the plane left the runway of Beijing Airport, with a buzzing sound, and the vibrating fuselage flew into the air in an instant, that he suddenly realized that he might be here. What he realized at the time was this possibility. In this way, he will never return to the land under the porthole. He was born, raised, educated, grown up, suffered, and never thought of leaving. This yellow land is called the motherland. And does he have a motherland? Or Is the gray-yellow land and frozen river moving under the wings his homeland? This question was derived later, and the answer gradually became clear. "At that time, he just wanted to be relieved, to go abroad to take a breath from the shadow that enveloped him. In order to get a passport to go abroad, he waited for nearly a year and searched all the relevant departments. He is a citizen of this country, not a criminal, no Reasons for depriving him of the right to go abroad. Of course, the reasons vary from person to person, and you can find any reason. "When I went through customs, they asked what was in the box? He said there was nothing prohibited, "What's inside?" "Inkstone, used for grinding ink. A newly bought inkstone." He meant that it was not an antique and was not included in the ban, but they could find any excuse to detain him, after all, he was a little nervous.A fleeting thought: this is not his country. "At the same time, he seemed to hear "Brother", he quickly held his breath and calmed down. "Finally let go, he packed the suitcase, put it on the conveyor belt, closed the zipper of the travel bag he carried, and turned to the boarding gate. He heard another shout, which seemed to call his name. He pretended not to hear it, and continued to go, but Still turning his head, the master who had just checked his luggage saw several foreigners in the passageway separated by wooden walls, and they were letting them through. "At this moment, he heard another long sound, a woman's voice calling his name, the voice came from far away, floating above the roar of people in the waiting hall. He looked over the board wall at the entrance, looking for From the source of the sound, I saw a figure in a military coat and a military cap lying on the white marble railing on the second floor, but I couldn't tell the face. "On the night of saying goodbye to her, when she committed herself to him, she kept saying in his ear: "Brother, don't come back, don't come back..." Is that a premonition. Or is it just for his sake? She is better than him. More clearly? Is it a guess about his mind? He didn't speak at the time, and he didn't have the courage to make such a decision. But she awakened him and awakened this idea, but he didn't dare to face it, and cut off the connection between emotion and desire. Caring, can't abandon her. "He hoped that the figure in the green uniform leaning on the railing wasn't her. He turned around and continued towards the boarding gate. The red light on the flight display board was flashing. He heard a clearly desperate scream behind him, and a drawn-out "Brother ——" Then it must be her. But he didn't look back and entered the boarding gate.