Chapter 9 Liu Daoyuan's funeral

There are so many buyers and sellers in Tianjin Wei.As long as there is a dispute between the two families, there will be a kind of people who will come in immediately, pick up words and file lawsuits, and make things big.This kind of person is a bastard. The gangster is a ruffian from Tianjin Wei.It has always been divided into two types: civil and military.Martial gangsters talk and squabble, breaking their arms at every turn, fighting bloody battles; but literary gangsters only rely on a pen in their hands to represent lawsuits for businessmen.Although the bristles of the brush are soft, there is a sharp knife hidden in the bastard's brush; black and white writing still kills people.Liu Daoyuan is the most outstanding among the jumbled articles in this essay.

In the lawsuit between buyers and sellers, whoever makes Liu Daoyuan's champion wins, and he didn't run away.People say that the pen in his hand is the judge's pen, and he himself is the judge in the local world.But he never cared about the affairs of small shops, he only wrote complaints for big business.Big business has money, give as much as you want.If he is short of money, he doesn't need to borrow it. He just needs to go to the door of the big business and lean against the door frame, and the shopkeeper will immediately pack a bag of money and bring it up with a smile.When those gangsters came to ask for money, they used nails to nail their mouths to the door frame.The appearance of grinning, blood flowing, really frightened people to death.But Liu Daoyuan, a cultural bastard, would never do that. He leaned against the door frame with an air of basking in the sun.As long as the money is in hand, turn around and leave, it will never be a big deal.This is the word "wen" for "literally mixed up".

Liu Daoyuan is rich, so he doesn't buy a house or land, doesn't play with money, doesn't visit brothels, and doesn't even use servants.The bachelor lived alone in a courtyard north of the Ximen Waijiaohui, and was looked after by two apprentices, Jin San and Ma Si.The money earned, apart from eating and using, is all spent on loyalty.When he was walking on the road, whenever he heard someone crying in the house, saying that they were poor, or that they were too poor to fight, he would open the window and throw a handful of money into it.In the area of ​​the Biaoguhui, many people have received his favor.But no one dared to thank him face to face; you thanked him, but he refused to accept it and even turned his face and scolded you.

When it comes to the temperament of bastards, no matter whether they are civil or military, they are all a bastard. One day, he suddenly called his two apprentices, Jin San and Ma Si, to him and said, "Master, I am fifty-six years old. I have read everything about the world, but I don't know anything about the underworld. I have been thinking about it lately. What's the matter? I have a good idea today. I'll pretend to be dead and have a funeral alive. As for me, I'll hide in the coffin and keep my eyes open. But I'm in the coffin and I can't take care of external affairs, so I leave it all to You two. Listen! You two bastards, don’t be fooled and nail me to death in the coffin!"

Jin Sanling is fast, while Ma Sidu is slow.Jin San said: "How can it be? If the master is finished, we are not as good as a pair of bereaved dogs. Master! Although your idea is good, but if someone dies, he will have to be tired and fast for seven days, at least seven days. How can you Hiding in a coffin every day? It’s dark, narrow and stuffy in there, can you bear it? Besides, what if you’re in a hurry to eat or shit? I mean, the coffin is empty in the mourning hall. Hiding in the small room in the backyard. No one is allowed in the backyard. Eat and drink, we will serve you every day. On the day of the funeral, you will go into the coffin again. As for the coffin lid, how can you nail it? , you have to open it a little and look out!"

Liu Daoyuan smiled.Said: "You bastard is really smart, just do it like this!" After that, Tianjin Weiquan knew that Liu Daoyuan, a big literary bastard, was dead.I also know that he died of a sudden illness in the middle of the night.So Liu's obituary was posted outside the gate of Liu's house. A mourning hall was set up in the house, where the coffin was placed, a tablet was placed, and the famous judge's pen was offered as an offering. Then, monks were invited to play and beat for seven days.There were so many people who came to pay their respects, and there was a long queue at the door, which was a good match for Da Bian's porridge shop.

Liu Daoyuan hid in the hut in the backyard, where he had food and drink, and a basin where he could pee, which was quite comfortable.Jin San has been watching the entertainment in front, and Ma Si came to send a message to the master from time to time.At the beginning, Liu Daoyuan was very proud.I thought that when I was alive, I was majestic, and after "death", I was also very majestic.But two days later, when I thought about it, something was wrong. Why didn't any of the big shopkeepers who won the lawsuit for him come; people without names and surnames flocked.Did you come to watch the fun?These people usually walked past his door without even daring to turn their heads and glance inside, but they were able to enter the room at this moment and see clearly the daily life of this big bastard.Ma Si said that Boss He of Fushuncheng Foreign Goods Store, who had made him almost bankrupt with a paper certificate in the previous year, also came this time.He walked into the mourning hall in a big way, and instead of being polite, he left a mouthful of sticky phlegm on the ground in a "pooh".Afterwards, Ren Ma's weird and weird things happened.

On the fourth day of fasting, a big man broke into the door and led a wolf dog into the mourning hall.When he entered the door, he scolded: "Liu, once you die, lend me those ten pieces of gold, who do you want me to go to? If you don't pay me back, I will sit here and not get up." He really sat in the middle of the hall without moving.Occupy the boundary, so that others can't come in to salute.Jin Sanmasi had never seen this guy before, so he knew he was looking for faults to extort money.It was useless to even talk or persuade, so I had to pull it with my hands. Unexpectedly, this man was so powerful, with one punch, he beat Jin Sanma and Si Si so that one ingot each turned over.Jin Sanmasi are all literary bastards, they write a lot of money, their hands are weak, there is nothing to do with him, they just waited with staring eyes.It wasn't until the next afternoon that he got up and left when he was exhausted.When I was leaving, I said that I would come to collect the debts from these houses in ten days.He took the big wolfhound and ran away, and took one of the big white steamed buns on the table that were used as alms for lonely ghosts.

The four horses told the truth and told all these things truthfully.When Liu Daoyuan heard this, he was furious and shouted angrily, "Which bastard dares to trick me! Who did I, Liu Daoyuan, borrow money from? I'm not dead! Let me see who this bastard is?" Ma Si couldn't stand it anymore, so he hurried to find Jin San.Jin San said: "As soon as you go out, don't you blow up the corpse? Our play can't go on. Master, please suppress the fire first, and everything will wait until the funeral is over. You can just watch it." Do you think these people have changed?"

That last line from Kim San works.Seeing Liu Daoyuan's fire go down.Since then, Ma Si no longer learned from his master what happened before.When Liu Daoyuan couldn't bear it, he asked him about the usual acquaintances, which ones came and which ones didn't.Ma Si understood that what the master was asking in his heart was another bastard named Yizhihua.That guy ran to them all day long, calling Liu Daoyuan his brother, and they had to wear a pair of pants, but when he beat Liu Daoyuan to "death", he would be as dead as he was, without showing his face.How dare Ma Si tell his master about this situation?The more Ma Si didn't say anything, the more he understood.The face became longer and longer, and Hao Sai hung a weight on his chin.Later, he simply closed his eyes and ignored them, as if he really looked like a dead person.

In the middle of the day, there was a sudden noise in the courtyard.It's not like golden three horse four.Listening again, it turned out that Qiao Erlong, the neighbor who sells boiled water, and his son, Gouzi, climbed over the wall and came to his backyard.Gouzi said through the window: "Father, as soon as Jin Sanmasi is here, it will be too late for us to run over the wall." Qiao Erlong said: "Are you afraid? Pustule! Jin Sanmasi can't even kill a fly, You are still afraid of them. This Liu family has no heirs, and there is no owner of the things. If we don’t take them, we will take them! Come with me—” Liu Daoyuan's lungs were about to explode.I thought to myself, I will give you money when I am "alive", and you will treat me as a grandfather; when I am "dead", you will come and raid my home!What else are you doing?Shall I be skinned for a rattle? He wanted to break open the door and get out, but he couldn't, he couldn't mess things up because of those two dogs.In a hurry, I don't know where the idea came from, but I pretended to be a woman, and called out softly: "Come on! There are bad guys!" This cry scared the Qiao family father and son so much that they were blind. The donkey, running and jumping, clattered over the wall and ran away.Fortunately, the monks who were chanting scriptures in front were playing drums happily, and did not hear his cries.But when Ma Si came again, he saw that all the food he ate on the table was thrown on the ground. After one or seven days, at last there were no major mistakes, and everything was fine.Jin San put the judge pen on the altar into the coffin.He told people that this judge's pen must be buried with his master; he also said that this pen is a gold pen, Hua Shikuina's pen is just a grass brush, and this gold pen is only suitable for his master to use alone.Then, he quietly went to invite his master, and while no one was paying attention, he hurried into the coffin and woke up for the funeral.Liu Daoyuan scolded: "I don't know if I have lived enough or died enough." Then he got into the coffin. In the coffin, Jin San prepared everything for him to be comfortable.The cover is alive, so you can open it if you want; there is still food and drink inside, and there is a pillow for sleeping.He didn't have time to sleep, he finally "died" once, and he had to "die" to understand better. When the coffin was lifted and placed on the hearse, Jin San and Ma Si were heard crying from left to right.Jin Sanling cried as soon as he said it, and his voice was like tearing the liver and lungs.Liu Daoyuan thought, Jin Sanhao is better, Ma Si is a bastard who can't even pretend to cry.But Jin San's fake crying couldn't last long, and after a while, it fell silent.Only then did Ma Si hear crying.Ma Si came slowly, his voice was not loud, but he moved for real, whining and crying all the way, Hao Sai died of his own father.This endless crying disturbed Liu Daoyuan, and the more he listened to it, the more frustrated he became.Liu Daoyuan couldn't figure out whether it was true or not. As he was walking, Liu Daoyuan suddenly heard that there was a chaotic noise outside, and the sound was quite loud, so something happened to the game.The hearse also stopped.He felt strange, held the lid of the coffin with both hands, opened a crack with all his strength, and looked outside, he saw paper people, paper horses, paper cars and paper sedan chairs, black and white impermanence, silver flags, snow willows, and white flowers.Both sides of the street were full of people watching the funeral.Why did the funeral procession stop?He looked through the flagpole again, and saw some people stretching their fists and legs to block the front. They turned out to be Teng Heizi's gang of armed gangsters who were walking around.He thought to himself that this group of people had always talked to him politely, but why did they turn their faces, what do they want?Then he suddenly saw his brother Yizhihua standing among the group of people.Only a flower shouted: "That judge's pen should belong to me, he is a fart! Want to take the pen away after death? No way! If you don't give it to me, don't even think about going there!" Liu Daoyuan's head "coaxed" - but this time he was not in a hurry, instead he became cheerful.He said in his heart: "It turns out that this is what happens when people die, I understand it all!" With both hands, he pushed the coffin lid vigorously, and with a bang, he stood up. This time, not only the funeral attendees and those who watched the excitement were scared to scream, but even the gangsters who blocked the road scattered and fled. Liu Daoyuan stood on the hearse and laughed endlessly.