Chapter 15 Chapter Thirteen

It was almost a little by the time I got home.When I opened the bedroom door, I saw my husband sitting on the bed smoking a cigarette.I felt so full of anger that I suddenly became angry.However, the thought that I had been trying to persuade myself to be rational all the way came to me.I rushed into the bathroom and washed my face. I thought I still wanted to save my husband. I couldn't lose him and this family that I worked so hard for. I walked back to the bedroom again and stood across from him, trying to talk to him in a peaceful tone.However, before I adjusted my peaceful demeanor and tone, and before I could utter the first sentence, he lightly took a puff of smoke, without even looking at me expressionlessly, just said, what do you think? ?

My repressed anger was about to explode again because of his provocative demeanor and his cold, short words.However, I knew that I had to restrain myself, or my family would be devastated.I suppressed the mad anger in my chest again, and then I wanted to say the same sentence I practiced repeatedly when I persuaded myself on the road, let's start again, just like last time.However, I heard myself say another sentence in a low voice: What do you say? divorce!He said it easily. I was stunned.When I realized it, the raging fire that I had been suppressing finally shot out like a cannon fire from a cannon barrel. I became furious and shouted crazily, why?You made a mistake, why don't you admit it, and keep making mistakes again and again.

The husband also got up from the bed angrily. He threw the burning cigarette on the ground, stepped on it, stared at me, twisted it hard a few times, and then walked up to my eyes.I saw his eyes were bloodshot, and besides anger, there seemed to be a kind of wounded sorrow surging in it.He kept his voice low, but the lowness seemed to contain a mass of explosives that could explode at any time.He said: Why should I tell you now?Just because you never liked me when you were in love, just because you never really loved me after marriage, just because you betrayed me, just because you never even had a virgin's blood on the first night of your wedding.

I was stunned all of a sudden. If I could tolerate his previous accusations, then the last sentence made me feel extremely insulted.The first time we had sex, I really didn't know why I didn't bleed.But I firmly believe that I am innocent.Because before him, I hardly let other men hold hands.His accusation made me feel heart-piercing grief again. I opened my angry eyes and pointed at him fiercely, but the anger and grief had already made my mouth tremble so that I could not speak. He didn't care about my humiliation and reaction, and continued, "If I was wrong, I was wrong from the beginning. I always thought that I could use my love to influence you."Because I know how deep and thick my love is.But you are a stone, no matter how deep my love is, I can't cover you.I would rather believe that your maiden night was caused by other external forces, and I would also believe in your innocence.Because I love you, I am willing to believe in you.But in fact I was wrong, I was wrong from the beginning, and I am still wrong again and again until today.So if you think it through, we'll get a divorce.If you don't want to leave, I won't force you either.We all have our own lovers that have leveled out.You can find him casually in the future!

With such a few simple words, he completely denied our marriage, my virginity, and my love for him.I went from anger to grief, and from grief to anger, and finally when he said let me find my lover, I couldn't stand it anymore.I felt that the suffocating breath in my chest had already burst me, and all words, even swearing, could hardly express my anger and hatred.My head suddenly grew bigger in an instant, and there was only one thought in my mind, that is, I wanted to kill him.Under this extremely violent thought, I rushed towards him like an arrow from the string, and almost at the same time I stretched out my hands and grabbed his hair.The anger made me keep screaming and shouting at the top of my lungs, why do you insult me ​​like this, why do you deny my innocence?

He broke free from my hand suddenly and laughed loudly: Can you prove your innocence?Even if you can prove your innocence before marriage, are you really innocent, where is your ring?What about your man who will always love you? His ridicule pierced my heart like a steel knife, making me miserable.I jumped at him again like crazy, completely lost my mind, and reached out to hit him again.However, I was caught by him like an iron clamp and couldn't move anymore.I twisted the body controlled by him, and felt that the bad breath in my chest seemed to be bound by him, making it difficult to vent.I struggled desperately, raised my legs and kept kicking, and kept swearing at him as a bastard.When he laughed and called me a stinky woman again, I suddenly opened my mouth and bit his shoulder.At that moment I deeply experienced the feeling of biting.I clenched a piece of his meat tightly, and my teeth seemed to be uncontrollable without my consciousness. I bit down with a kind of inertia, and the more I bite, the more comfortable it became. This pleasure quickly passed through the teeth to the nerves.I felt a salty taste in my mouth, followed by the smell of blood.When his screams sounded again, I was suddenly frightened and let go of my mouth.Then, I saw a pool of blood on his shoulder shirt, and it was spreading.I felt dizzy for a while, and stood there blankly, as if I forgot what I was doing, at a loss.

At this moment of daze, my husband crazily raised his hands and slapped me in the face. I felt dizzy for a moment, and at the same time as my two cheeks were burning and painful, one ear buzzed. The husband yelled, "Stinky woman, look at you as a shrew, I was really blind when I fell in love with you, find your lover."I don't believe that he will love you, a shrew, and I don't believe that he still loves you now. Something hot came out of my nose and I felt itching under my nose.I subconsciously wiped it with my hand, and I saw the blood-stained hand stretched out in front of my eyes horribly, and then some blood dripped to the ground.I was frightened, I don't know if it's the nose bleeding or the mouth bleeding, maybe the face is bleeding, so, will I be disfigured?In this extreme fear and grief, I once again felt that I was saying in my heart, let the gentleness, the image, and the public opinion go to hell.Then I yelped and headbutted it again in a desperate effort.On TV and in life, I have ridiculed and despised the tricks used by uneducated women many times-such as head bumping, hanging, tearing and so on.Unexpectedly, as a highly educated woman, I also used the same angry way at such a moment regardless of image and face.If I say I am uneducated, it is better to say that it is a woman's nature, because no matter how liberated a woman is, no matter how she is equal to men, her own physical and psychological conditions determine her ability to face struggles and personal challenges. The image of the weak, so when they are in a disadvantaged situation, the means and methods they adopt are beyond the scope of rational control, which is not an exaggeration.And my own performance at that moment is also the performance of my primitive or natural nature as an ordinary woman.I don't know if all high-level cultural women can hold and restrain themselves in some moments of anger and hurt, and if they do, I can only worship them.

My husband grabbed me by the hand and laughed again: What's the difference between you and a village vixen?I can't believe who the one who loves you is! His belittlement of Sima Xiao angered me again, because everything about Sima Xiao is so beautiful in my heart.I shouted hoarsely, pointing at him full of anger and viciousness, I don't allow you to insult him, you don't deserve it. Maybe my words hurt him deeply, and he slapped me loudly again like crazy: Get out, bitch, since he is good, you have the ability to find him, see what he wants don't want you? I gritted my teeth and said word for word, he is stronger than you, a hundred times stronger, and I just love him.

The husband kicked like crazy, get lost, you shameless bitch, go find him! I only felt a tearing pain in my abdomen, and before I had time to cover my abdomen, I groaned loudly with his huge feet and fell to the ground with a grin. Everything went wild and chaotic, and I lay at his feet in an ugly pose.After that sudden scream, the pain, anger and embarrassment made me ignite a raging fire of hatred again. I tried my best to stand up and fight with him, but I found that the strong anger and pain had already made my whole body Trembling, unable to move.So after a moment of struggle, I was like a pig facing slaughter, making the final howl. I was hoarse, shouting loudly and constantly that I love him, love him, I just love him, and I just want to find him ...

My husband was also like a butcher with red eyes. Amidst my frantic shouts, he lifted his feet up again, and then I felt severe pain in the left and right parts of my body.And during the whole process, I also heard his low-pitched insults like dull thunderclaps.I felt like I was in so much pain that I thought maybe I was going to die.However, as long as I had a sliver of consciousness, I still stubbornly and unyieldingly resisted, and I heard my sharp voice passing through the long throat from my chest, breaking through the air: I love him, I want to sleep with him! I saw my husband stop suddenly.However, what he did next startled me.He took a deep breath, gathered all his strength and raised his feet.All that was in my mind at that moment was that I might die at my husband's foot because, in my judgment, his foot was lifted to the point where my head was.Perhaps the instinct of survival injected strength into my body at that moment, and before my husband's feet that gathered great strength came, I stood up like a carp.The dramatic result was that my husband was pushing too hard and his foot was in the air, and I fell at the same time as I stood up.

I watched my husband's funny posture on the ground and laughed crazily, even crying.I stared viciously into his blood-red eyes and said, you lose, you don't need me to fight at all, you will be knocked down by yourself. My words once again angered my husband. He stood up suddenly, grabbed my hair, and blocked my eyes like a wall. I even heard the dull thunder in his chest.The thunder exploded quickly in front of my face, burning me like a flame.He said, stinky bitch, scumbag, you have no right to talk about winning or losing. My hair was pulled forward by him vigorously, and I felt as if thousands of silver needles were being pierced in my head. I had to lift my feet and lean forward with his strength, grinning.But my stubbornness and self-will made me not have the slightest idea of ​​admitting defeat in the face of such a dangerous moment. I still smiled while weeping, and then said through gritted teeth, I am a bitch, I am a scum, I willing! He suddenly increased his strength and pulled my hair upwards, then swung his arm and slammed me against the wall next to him.My body grinned against the wall with a sharp pain in my scalp.With a dull crash, I felt dizzy in my head.Immediately afterwards, I heard my husband's low howl like thunder: go to him and see if he wants a bad guy! When I turned back from the wall, stopped laughing, and listened to my husband's non-stop insults, I once again experienced the hatred that went deep into my bones.At that moment, I saw my husband in front of me, his hair was disheveled, his face was livid, his tie was on one side, and a corner of his shirt came out of his trousers in the process of being torn.This demeanor and situation of my husband did not arouse my maternal love as usual, but instead aroused a momentary pleasure in my heart. I thought, you are in the same pain as me, and I will make you more painful!I want to punish you for being unfair to me, I want revenge!Then I heard myself squeeze out a few words viciously through the teeth: I will go to him now and let you see if he wants me! I quickly twisted my body and stomped out of the bedroom, put on the coat just now, picked up the backpack at a very fast speed, and then I walked back to the room with proud steps, demonstrating to him in a low and proud tone. He cried out: I-want-find-him-sleep-sleep-go! My husband must have been at a loss at that moment. I think although he yelled over and over again to let me find my lover, he must never have thought that I would actually go.So after I really acted, he stood there for dozens of seconds without responding.As I frantically walked towards the door with my coat on, I heard the violent bang bang bang bang behind me, along with a barrage of fuck off and bitch insults from my husband, and I felt a mess of hard things hit me On my back, on the back of my head, on my legs, on my heels.But I didn't feel any pain at all, I turned my head and rushed out. I ran down desperately, and my high heels knocked hurriedly on the hard concrete floor of the silent corridor.There seemed to be rats in the corridor. When I turned the corner from the third floor, I saw a dark thing scurrying past under my feet.My legs softened with the violent heartbeat, I almost fell, and then squatted down involuntarily.There seems to be a rustling sound in the cardboard box in the corner.When I collected myself, I realized that my eyes had already been blurred by tears, and the tears were streaming all over my face, and they were constantly ticking to the ground.Listening to the sound of the mouse in the corner, I suddenly grinned and began to cry.I must be ugly. I squatted in the corridor, feeling pain all over my body, but the extreme stubbornness deep in my heart inspired me again.I told myself to be strong and not to lose.So I endured the pain and fear and stood up suddenly.I said to myself, I'm not afraid of anything, and kicked hard at the rat-infested box. When I came out of the building, a threatening cold air hit me, as if it had penetrated into the marrow of my bones, and my body, which was bruised and bruised by my husband, felt like thousands of steel knives pierced into my body for a moment. He was weak and trembling like a serious illness.Still, I plodded forward with anger.I kept scolding my husband in my heart, scolding him for being betrayal, scolding him for being cruel, scolding him for being unreasonable.He was so pissed off when he found out I had a lover, and he still seemed to be on the right side when I found out he had a lover, it almost made me wonder if it was his affair that was wrong, or me. The tracking is wrong.The scene at the resort hotel at night appeared in front of my eyes again like a picture of crazy activities. I saw the scene where my husband grabbed me by the collar like pulling me out of the car like a nasty dog. At that moment , I'm suddenly reminded of the manic rage I felt when my husband found my condom and found that ring.This comparison made me suddenly feel that I was extremely wronged, and that I was extremely wronged as a woman.The same extramarital affairs, why do we experience differently, is it just because we are different genders? The dim street lamps are like the dim eyes of the night, exuding a sleepy and powerless look. Walking in this bitter winter, I feel like a little sparrow that has not had time to fly to the south, lingering in the icy world , nowhere to hide.And the bone-chilling cold air on the street was flowing as always, like streams of ice water passing through thick clothes, penetrating into the pores of the skin, penetrating into the heart, penetrating into the bone marrow, and began to drench the rising tide in the body little by little. on the flames.At the same time, a trace of sobriety and consciousness deep in the soul began to slowly recover.I shrank my head, shivering on the silent street, and walked with difficulty to the unknown future.When the darkness of the sky continued to permeate from a distance, seeping into the neon lights around me, penetrating into my body and soul, I felt the crazy determination to revenge deep in my heart, like a piece of soap soaked in water began a little Peel off little by little.But in my mind, I began to think of all the benefits of my husband, how he loved and tolerated me back then.As for my husband’s extramarital affairs, I also began to relieve him, telling myself that it was I who betrayed me first, and my husband might punish me for it. At this moment, the mobile phone in my bag rang suddenly, and I remembered that the mobile phone was only reactivated a few days ago.Who will call?I think it must be the husband, because no one else knows yet.I suddenly very much hoped that he would change his mind and keep me. As long as he softened his tone a little, even if he didn't say anything to keep me, I might take the initiative to give up my revenge, take the initiative to go home, forgive him, and accept him again. I answered the phone, and my husband's still angry voice came: bitch, I tell you, if you step out of this door today, you will never look back. When his word "bitch" reached my ears, all the hopes just now were shattered, but the disappearing determination to revenge swelled up like a cell that was rapidly dividing.My disappointment, anger, and perhaps my fear of the future caused my tears to burst out once again, and my proud heart made me like a stubborn little tree in the wind and rain, still fighting hard against the rainstorm Upright your own self-esteem and self-improvement. I gritted my teeth and told him: I will never look back!never! A taxi was approaching slowly, the driver peering at me through the open window.So I didn't think about anything, sat in firmly, and then asked the driver to pull me into the train station. There were only a few people casually waiting to buy tickets at the ticket gate.I stood at the end, the tears of sorrow still flowing, because I knew that I was doing something terrible, something to take revenge on my husband, something to give up on myself.I know all the consequences, but I can't stop doing it, my pride won't stop me.I don't know if Sima Xiao is still in love with me, let alone if he can still accept me now.But I can't care so much anymore, I want to find him. My expression must be very scary, because when it was my turn to buy the ticket, the cold ticket sales lady looked at me twice in a row, and then her expression suddenly eased, changing from the stiff tone just now to a soft tone, asking me The time to buy that car.I said I was going to Tianjiang, no matter which car, whether there is a seat or not, the sooner the better.In the end she sold me a passing bus ticket, which allowed me to board in less than half an hour. I took the ticket and walked among the bustling crowd like a night ghost.Almost all the people around had an indifferent expression, or hurried past or staggered around in every corner, which made me feel cold.It was time to enter the station soon, but when I stood in the line of checking tickets, a hard thing was growing in my heart, and it began to get stuck there, making me feel like I was about to suffocate.I knew that it was the only rationality in the crevice of my self-esteem. It repeatedly hoped that my husband would come to his senses, give me a better chance, and keep me.This poor rationality grew more and more in my mind, and finally defeated my self-esteem.I took out my phone, and at the last moment, I tried again to save our family.I dialed my home number over and over again, but gave up over and over again.When I was about to walk to the ticket inspector, I finally pressed the OK button, and the connection was made. My husband’s voice came over, and he gave a low hoarse voice. With tears streaming down my face, I said, I'm at the train station, I... What I want to say is that I want to go home.When I hadn't said the second half of the sentence, he suddenly yelled loudly: Get out, you bitch, get out into your lover's arms!Then there is a beeping busy tone. The ticket-checking lady stretched out her hand, and she cut off the ticket I was holding in my left hand.At that moment, I once again felt incomprehensible to my husband's hard-heartedness, and felt furious.I yelled to my husband over and over in my heart, it was you who were wrong, you were wrong, why did you use your mistakes to punish our family and me?While weeping helplessly and sadly, I mechanically walked in with the sparse crowd.The people in front of me were running, and the people behind me were overtaking me one by one.I must have been the last one, because when I got to the train, there was hardly anyone moving outside the train, except for a kind stewardess yelling to me, hurry up, hurry up. Walking into the car drowsily, a wave of heating came oncoming, mixed with the turbid smell of smoke, food, body odor and occasional wisps of perfume, which made my already stuffy chest feel more suffocated.Under the dim light, people in a daze were staggering to and fro.Fortunately, there was an empty seat next to a middle-aged man napping with his head down.I walked over and sat down. As the car drove, my heart seemed to be tied by a long string. As the car moved, it became tighter and more painful. I knew that the other end was tied to my husband at home.The distressed feeling intensified with the acceleration of the car, I knew it would be so, why bother... However, I still can't get rid of this weakness of mine, this weakness that wants to save face and suffer.These thoughts still make me cry bitterly, and I can't help it. The few people next to me were drowsy and didn't pay attention to me.I suppressed myself desperately, hoping that I could calm down slowly.The train is still speeding forward, the distressed feeling has reached its limit, and I know that this line will be stretched anytime, anywhere.A traveler came across, and he gave me two glances, which made me feel extremely embarrassed.I lowered my head, and the intensified pain in my heart was still slowly radiating and radiating, soaking into every cell in my body.My head started to hurt, as if there was a drill knife drilling in it, I thought I might go crazy, and I would run around in the train carriage and scream, like the woman with loose hair that I often see on the streets at the intersection. madman. I thought of my insane father, and suddenly felt that my spirit was also on the verge of collapse.As soon as this idea came up, a great fear bit me tightly like a pliers.I knew I had to find a way to calm down.I opened my bag, hoping to find a sleeping pill or two.Since my husband's birthday, insomnia has haunted me again and again, so I often need to buy some sleeping pills.I flipped through the bag anxiously, but there was no such small paper bag. I touched the bottom of the bag again and found a few small pills scattered at the bottom of the bag.I was so happy that I ran to the water pipe and swallowed it. Maybe the medicine was working, because when I sat back down, I felt much calmer.I leaned my head on my back, closed my eyes gently, and felt that the thread in my heart disappeared at some point.Only the rhythmic sound of the train vibrated in my heart. This vibration was like an ancient lullaby, which gradually eased the splitting headache.When the dim lights in the carriage gradually blurred into a gray cloud in front of my eyes, Sima Xiao's face slowly emerged from it. His tender eyes floated on the thick cloud and stared at me heartbrokenly. I even heard him The gentle voice is like a gust of wind blowing from the clouds, and his whisper, his breath.He slowly became clear and began to float towards me, getting closer and closer, I almost felt his soft and strong lips.We met in a warm spring, and we could see blooming flowers everywhere. There was a garden there, full of colors and vitality, and my mother was holding my hand.There was a white and clean little boy secretly staring at his parents and me at the corner of the wall with his frightened eyes... I fell asleep, and in my dream I asked repeatedly whether that boy was young or not. Sima Xiao? I was awakened when the middle-aged man next to me got off the bus, and I found that Tianjiang Station had arrived.so close!I quickly walked through the crowded aisle and got out of the car before the people who got on in less than five seconds. The winter sun hangs high in the sky, pale as the face of an old man who has been sick for a long time, bored and listless, watching the mortals coming and going in the world of mortals indifferently.Like the first time I came to Tianjiang, I stood in the center of the square in a daze, not knowing what to do next.do i want to see himDoes he still love me?How would he see me... Unknown thoughts kept popping out in my mind, disturbing my fragile heart.But the most important thing is whether he is in the unit?As soon as this thought appeared, I really panicked. I quickly took out my phone to see if he was there.I recited the string of familiar phone numbers.It has been several months. Although I have recited this string of numbers over and over again in many lonely nights and many moments of tears because of missing, I have never dialed it.When I pressed this string of numbers, my hands began to tremble slightly.After dialing the number, I felt like I could almost hear my heartbeat.My finger kept hesitating on the OK button, and the other finger subconsciously covered my chest, as if afraid of my heart beating out.Then press the OK button.I held my breath and listened to the movement of the mobile phone. After a momentary pause, a beeping busy tone came.Half disappointed, half happy, I turned off my phone.Disappointed that I didn't hear his voice, and happy because I didn't hear his voice, but he was in the office.I let out a long breath and felt relieved. It was already nine o'clock, and I hesitated at the intersection.The phone rang, and it was my mother.My mother looked very anxious, and asked me worriedly, where are you, please don't do stupid things. It turned out that my aunt came over from her hometown and wanted to see us.The mother called home, and the angry husband told the mother: Your daughter has gone to find her lover. Mom said sadly, I have already felt that something is going on between you.But, daughter, please remember that it is the greatest happiness for a woman to have a husband who loves her in her life, so you must not be dissatisfied.There was already a cry in my mother's voice, and this trembling voice stimulated my nerves like a tiny needle tip. I suddenly wanted to cry, and I wanted to crawl into my mother's arms and cry loudly.Because I really don't know how this happened, what happened to me, and I don't even know where I should go, whether I should go and see Sima Xiao. My mother's phone was hung up, but my mother's voice kept spinning in my mind, as if it had become a snowball spinning at high speed, getting bigger and bigger.I feel like I'm starting to wake up from yesterday's nightmare, and all the tenderness that my husband used to have is starting to flow in.Once again, the hatred for her husband slowly subsided, and finally only some remorse and guilt remained.Yes, it should be the greatest happiness for a woman to have a husband who loves her.But I——as my mother said, am I dissatisfied?I suddenly realized that I was extremely stupid, and I also realized that I was slowly losing the courage to see Sima Xiao. Still, I'm extremely conflicted.I have come to his city, and it would be too sad for me to go back just like that.Standing here, in this land of unforgettable love, the scene of meeting for the first time has already made my heart flustered and excited, and I can hardly restrain my thoughts and longing for him.I want to see him, to see if he is doing well.If the reason is, I think, in the final analysis, I am not a lady in my bones, a loyal and good woman.I stood on the street, and once again kept looking for excuses for myself, looking for a way to escape.When I was wandering aimlessly on the street, I accidentally saw a beautiful flower shop opposite, and an idea suddenly flashed in my mind.I found a way to kill two birds with one stone for myself.I decided to go and see him, just to see him, and not let him recognize me. I went to the flower shop and bought nine roses, and then asked the sales lady to make a beautiful gift box.Finally, I went to a beauty shop to put on some makeup and bought a pair of brown sunglasses and a big white mask.After everything was packed, I got into the car and went to his school. Everything seemed like a dream, and I felt like an unreal shadow. In a trance, I walked into his campus and joined the team of young students who shuttled back and forth.On the clean and wide main road in the campus, I saw two rows of tall and straight sycamore trees standing next to them like giants, without green leaves, lifeless, like my desolate heart.With erratic steps, I walked straight down under the watchful eyes of two rows of giants. I didn't know where his building was, and I didn't want to ask for directions.In this way, I turned from a corner of the main road by intuition, walked on an asphalt road lined with holly, and then followed it until I came to a garden. On the road, walking through the withered rose, winter jasmine, and various unknown flowers and plants.Then I found myself stepping out again, down another unknown path.In this way, I walked in a daze, turning a blind eye to the students coming and going around me, just sleepwalking on my own.I don't know how long it has passed, I even forgot the purpose of my coming here.When I suddenly saw the name of his building "Wenyuan" that my scholar once told me, I didn't even react.I stood there trying to think of this familiar name, and then I suddenly woke up from my dream as if I had been punched: I have arrived!Standing in front of this clean and tidy white building, my flustered heart began to beat violently, and I suddenly felt extremely weak, as if I didn't know what I should do next.I cheered up for myself over and over again, and was discouraged over and over again.In order to calm myself down, I shook my hair vigorously, adjusted my glasses, raised my head to the sky and took a deep breath. For a moment, a cold and fresh winter breath passed through the long trachea from the nasal cavity and entered the lungs. , into the brain, I felt a shock all over.Then I readjusted the bag on my shoulder, switched the rose box in my hand to the other, and gritted my teeth and stepped in. There is a big mirror in the middle of the hall, I subconsciously looked over it.Standing there was a woman with a temperament as elegant as water and a face as fresh as the moon.My hair has grown long, hanging on my shoulders, with small waves curled up and down randomly, showing a bit of liveliness and beauty in my dignity.The long black coat hangs down to the calf, and the slender waist is soft and charming.Especially the brown glasses on my face made me suddenly feel that I hardly knew myself.When I was looking at myself, a man and a woman suddenly came out from the corridor next to me. They looked at me at the same time, so I suddenly became more courageous in a panic, and then walked towards the stairs facing them.However, my courage is only superficial, just to maintain superficial calm and prevent people from being curious about me, a stranger.When I walked up to the second floor, my legs had already started to become weak with the crazy heartbeat.I had to stop again to adjust my gait and demeanor.I closed my eyes gently, took a deep breath, and took another step in a calm posture, because there were footsteps and voices again. I pretended to be unhurried and continued upstairs.The footsteps were getting closer and the voice was getting clearer and clearer. I suddenly felt my heart stop: I heard the voice of Sima Xiao, one of the speakers behind me, the voice that I thought about a thousand times and remembered a thousand times! At that moment, my mind was blank, and my eyes were like a dream, and his voice in my ears was like the white mist floating in the autumn morning.My feet are light and mechanically stepping step by step, and the steps are getting slower and slower.I saw that familiar tall and thin figure passing by my side, I felt a gust of wind from him lift the hair behind my ears, and I heard a sentence in their conversation, no, it should be in a sentence A word "hey Tang period".Then, my tears slipped down silently behind him. Lifting up my tearful eyes, I saw the hair on the top of his head beating a few times with the rhythm of his walk when he turned the stairs, and I also saw the white edge of the paper sticking out from the black handout folder under his long arm , I saw his long legs moving, the light shining from the leather shoes under the trousers... He disappeared unconsciously in the turning corridor under my tearful gaze. I don't know when I stopped, I just stood in the middle of the stairs and watched the direction where he disappeared and wept.At that moment, my mind seemed to be hypnotized, and I still don't remember how I walked to the place where he disappeared, and then walked to his office on the fourth floor.I just remember that the only clear sound of "the prosperous Tang Dynasty" has been ringing in my ears.When I woke up, I found that I was already standing at the door of the bathroom on the fourth floor.Then, I went into the bathroom. I took out the mirror in my bag and tidied up my face washed with tears, then put on a mask, and walked out with graceful steps as hard as I could.Although the light in the corridor is not strong, it has a soft and fresh atmosphere due to the light pink floor tiles and clean white walls.对面走来一位中年女士，不施脂粉的脸上一副详和，周身都散发着一种浓浓的书卷气，她轻盈地走过，一阵淡淡的凉气悄然飘过。看来这里一切都是如此美好，都是如此优雅而高贵。 422，420，418，下一个门就是他的房间了。我激动地几乎听到了自己的心跳声。 他的门虚掩着，没有一丝声音。我盯着门里透过的那丝光亮，再一次产生一种不真实的感觉。那里边是他吗？我是来了吗？我下意识地晃了晃头，才彻底清醒过来。我再一次按住狂跳的心，准备敲门。这时屋里突然传来挪动椅子的声音，然后是书页的翻动声。我知道那是他。一瞬间眼泪涌上眼眶，喉咙哽咽。我想哭！旁边有说话声传来，不知谁的门正在打开送客人。如果有人看到我站在那里，说不定以为我在偷听呢？我急忙擦了擦眼睛，来不及犹豫敲响了门。 请进！ 里边传来了他的声音，那种我令我心碎令我魂牵梦萦的声音。我拚命地压抑着自己的眼泪，才不至于哭出来。我觉得自己的腿沉重得像一块千斤的石头，难以抬起。里边又传来一声请进。 我进来了，站在门边，一眼看到坐在椅子上的他。他穿着一件深蓝色的毛衫，打着整齐的领带，略微秃顶的脑袋正从几份材料上抬起来，向我看着，眼睛温柔和善。突然，他站了起来，好像有什么特殊感觉似的，他吃惊地说，你…… 我没有移动，只是努力压抑着高涨的激情，装出一副平静的神态张开嘴，但我发现自己什么都没说出来。他向我迈开一步，说，你…… 我不知那来的灵感，终于张开嘴说出一句话，还不忘带了一点家乡的口音，以便不让他认出我。我说，司马教授，你好，我是李岩老师的学生，替他稍东西给你。 他的脸上出现一丝失望，然后迅速平静下来，说，噢，你好，请坐。然后他自嘲地微笑着说，对不起，我差点认错人。然而，此时，我的镜片后的眼睛里已有泪水渗出。从模糊的泪眼中，透过暗色的镜片，我还是看清了，他比上一次见面时老了，两鬓上有几根白发醒目的夹杂在黑发中，像夜空中几颗闪亮的星星般扎眼。他也不像上次见面时那样挺拔了，但他的风度举止以及一切仍然让我心醉神迷，而这些变化只不过让我产生更深的爱怜和不安罢了。 我站在沙发旁边，但并没有坐下，以表示自己不能停留。然后，趁他转身走回他的椅子的当儿，迅速地调整了自己。 我告诉他我还有事，东西你收好。我壮着胆子，走过去，走向他的身边。那短短的几步对我来说，似乎是一条巨大的鸿沟，我必须拼着全身力气，跳过去。我感到自己的心异常虚弱，似乎已经被抽成一块小小的可怜的干茄子。我的手在轻轻地颤着，那个礼盒上扎着的美丽的蝴蝶结似要展翅欲飞似的，在剧烈抖着。我想，如果我是一个蝴蝶多好，那样，在我想他的时候，我会随时从窗口飞来，来看他。 他伸出手来了，身体前倾着，高高的身材仍像一棵高大的树一样将我的视线截在跟前。我看到他胸前白衬衣硬硬的领子下那根蓝色领带正对着我，上边有颗颗星星状的暗色小花，忧伤地像碎在夜里的眼泪。 我递过那只包有玫瑰的礼品盒。无意间我的手触到了他的手，一种触电般的感觉从手指传过，然后通过毛细血管，通过神经传遍了全身。我觉得自己在发抖，像秋天枝头的树叶，弱不禁风地等待着宿命。他站在我身边，柔和而平静的眼神几乎使我崩溃，我似乎已闻到他身体的气味，听到他的气息了。 我竭尽力气装出一副平静的神态，只有镜片后的眼睛里正在无限地喷射着怜爱和心疼。我知道我必须以最少的话，最快的速度完成这一切。于是我在心里狠了狠，坚定地说，我还有事，再见。说完，我迅速地转过身，泪水已经再也无法控制了，它像一股喷泉飞流而出，我听到他在背后正客气地说着谢谢，谢谢。 我已不能再说话了，因为我觉得我快要哭出来了。我一步步吃力地迈着向外走，似乎戴着一副沉的铁锁链，这使我每走一步都需要付出极大的力量，每走一步都感到那条铁链正在一点点钳在肉里，然后那种疼痛便像一种放射状的细菌，不断地浸到身体的每块肌肉，每个细胞，然后蔓延到脑中，于是疼痛后的脑中一片空白。我不知道自己如何走出他的视线，也不知道自己如何下了楼，更想不清楚什么时间扯下了那只令人窒息的口罩。当我走出楼下大厅，当一股寒风迎面而来时，一种冰冷如刀割般的寒冷在脸上刮过，原来我脸上全是泪水。我才知道我又一次从他身边走开了。 学生们从身边不断走过，而伤痛的我却是一片茫然。我站在马路上，下意识地抬起头寻找那个窗口。所有的窗口都一模一样地紧紧地闭着，像一张张冷漠的脸，在冬日的寒阳里从不同角度折射着来自太阳的光线。哪一个窗口是他的呢？我感到自己的眼泪又在漫出眼眶。 有一种什么声音似乎传来，有一种隐约的碰撞声遥遥传来。就在我疑惑而四处张望的时候，我看到四楼处有一个窗口正在叮当作响地打开，然后我看见一张模糊而熟悉的脸伸出窗外正在张望。That was Sima Xiao!我一下子蒙了。他像个奇迹，像一个梦幻，像一个童话，出现在我眼睛的上空。我看到他正向我伸出胳膊，正焦急地比划着。等我擦清楚眼睛再一次向上张望时，窗口里已不见他的踪影。只有寒阳中的窗玻璃在泛着刺眼的光芒，而那没来得及关上的窗子却像一只动物张大了的嘴，说明他的确曾出现在哪里。 我回过神来，突然意识到他一定是出来找我了。我的心里顿时涌出无限的企盼、幸福和安慰，然而几乎一瞬间这种感觉便被另一种情绪所代替。我是不能见他的！否则过去和刚才所做的一切努力都会付之东流。what should I do? 我站在原地一时间不知所措。当我清醒过来的时候，我明白我必须躲开这里，躲开司马啸的视线。当我紧张地张望时，路对面一棵棵绿得发青的松柏树伸着密密的枝桠像一团团绿雾吸引了我。我像一只躲避猎人的小动物仓促间冲过去，隐匿在它的后边了。几乎同时一股内疚也充斥在我的脑海，我觉得自己又荒唐又可笑又残忍。 司马啸气喘吁吁地跑了出来。从树的缝隙里，我看见他只穿着刚才的毛衣，连外套都没顾得穿。他站在我刚才站过的地方正在焦急的张望。大约一分钟后，他突然扭过身大步流星地向着校门口奔去。 我在树的后边望着他匆匆的背影，伤心欲绝。我到底是为什么？为什么来见他？为什么这样见他？我不知道我这样会给他的心里留下什么。他会怎样想我。 十分钟后，我看到我的学者从刚才的路上走了回来。他似乎满身疲惫，步履艰难，高高的个子在来来往往的学生中非常引人注目。他走到楼门前，突然停下来，又一次四处张望着，我似乎看到了他脸上的失望和伤感。然后，他缓缓地转过身，走了进去，身影在玻璃门后消失了。 我从树后走了出来，站在马路上又一次望向他的窗口。那个窗口仍然没有动静，洞开着大嘴。我知道这张大嘴已经将司马啸从我的生命里彻底吞噬了。然而，我不想走。离下班还有一个多小时，我想在他周围，那怕只感觉他，感觉那个有他的窗口。 在斜对面有一片小树林，里面散乱地摆放着几张石凳，显示着冬日的空茫和寥落，地上偶尔被风卷起的黄叶似乎也正在诉说着凄凉和落寞。我满身疲惫，沮丧不堪，萎萎缩缩地坐在那个不被人注意的角落里。 不知什么时候太阳已经隐去，有细细的雪粒飘来，打在周围的树上、石桌上和地上，发出沙沙的声响。偶尔飘到脸上，竟像一粒粒冰凉的小石子，砸得隐隐作疼。路上的五彩雨伞越来越多，使洁静的校园有一种眼花瞭乱的感觉。 雪越落越急，雪花也越飘越大，一片一片在眼前飞舞着，旋转着，挣扎着，闪着美丽洁白的光泽。当它们最后不得不认命落在黄色的土地上时，那到底是飞舞着的生命的终结还是生命的归宿呢？抑或是生命的新生呢？ 我的身上已经落了薄薄的一层雪花，黑色羊绒大衣像长了一层白毛。我像一只孤独的泥塑纹丝不动地坐在那只冰凉的石凳上，已经开始引起有些人的好奇。我突然难过起来，一时间又感觉自己像只被遗弃的可怜的狗，在落雪的日子仍然孤独地漂泊在冰天雪地里。司马啸的窗子不知何时已经合上了。当我有了这一发现后，我开始感到了彻骨寒冷，上齿与下齿不断相碰，身体也哆嗦起来。 手碗上的表已指向十一点四十分，快下班了。我不由自主地站了起来，冻得僵硬的四肢似乎已经麻木，难以走动。我伸出冰凉的手开始拍打头上和身上的雪花，一片片白色的雪花从头上和身上悠然落下，悄然隐入地上薄薄的雪层里了。 我目不转睛地望着司马啸办公的那座楼，里边已经有三三两两地人员下班了。透过满眼飞花，一种不真实的感觉从遥远的地方袭来，不知眼前是梦境还是意识中的胡思乱想。如果是梦，那就不要醒来吧，起码让我再看他一眼才醒来吧。 司马啸出来了，掖下夹着一个鼓鼓囊囊的文件夹，高高瘦瘦的身体已经明显微倾了。我不由得心酸起来。他独自一人穿越在飞舞着的雪花里，像一匹瘦瘦的骆驼正在经过长途的跋涉，给人一种疲惫和沧桑感。我从小树林走出，远远地跟在他的身后，像幽怨的魂灵，满眼泪水，尾随着他。 校园里并没有因为飞雪而寂寞，反而因初雪而浪漫起来。道路两旁的冬青和松柏已经是银装素裹。年轻学子们的欢快说笑在旁边不停地传来，与我孤独的心境和表情形成极大反差。司马啸已经拐弯了，他向宿舍楼的方向走了。当我到达他拐弯的地方时，我停了下来。对我来说，那已是我的禁地了。我站在一棵青松旁，与翠绿的青松一起，头顶轻盈的雪花，透过迷人眼睛的雪片凝视着他的背影。白白的雪雾中，他高高的身影越走越远，越来越模糊，最终消失在一片白色中，消失在我的泪眼里。