Chapter 25 cold pain

Her heart is not dead. In all these years, her heart has been hovering around the old building. She moved back just to curl up in a corner and watch her old love, to catch a little bit of warmth that has nothing to do with her, to soothe a scattered heart. Heart. Love, really, does not come first, first served, and it makes people helpless, it can make people even die. In the spring when she was 18, her father left, and she and a handsome boy were entangled in their father's bed and kissed. When the door rang, she turned her head and glanced at me, then patted the boy's stiff expression and said, "It's okay."

At that time, we still had black veils wrapped around our arms, and that handsome boy came to return my book. They knew that I loved him, although they never said so. After that, I never spoke to Gebu again. Sometimes, I would meet them on the street, shoulder to shoulder, and when I buried my head in embarrassment, as if no one else walked by my side, my heart would explode with pain and there would be no tears. A year later, I went to Shanghai to study in university. Before I left, Ge Buyi was at the door, looking at me with his arms folded. There was something like warmth or apology in his eyes. I lowered my head and flipped through the books. There was a cup of hot milk on the dining table, and a brown paper envelope next to the sandwich. I stretched out my fingers and retracted them. Until now, I don’t know what’s inside, and I don’t want to. Ever since I saw her hugging that handsome boy Since then, there has been a clear distinction between us.

Four years later, when I returned to Qingdao, Ge Bu got married, the old building was covered with decaying dust, and there was a note on the living room table. Ge Bu divided the old building left by his father with me meticulously and fairly. , the kitchen and the bathroom are inseparable, I can use them freely, I wore a hat made of newspapers, cleaned in old clothes for a whole week, shed a lot of tears, there were warm memories in every corner, and now, I am so I clearly feel that in this world, I have no relatives. Now, she is back.On the vermilion porch floor, there is a pair of beautiful shoes, and a few petals of purple lilac are blooming indistinctly on the soft lambskin. Her clothes are always exquisite and breathless.

I pushed open the door, the room belonging to Ge Bu, the window was bright and clean, she was sitting on the sofa in the living room, looking at me with a smile on her lips: "Why didn't you inform me to attend your wedding?" I smiled faintly, my heart was very cold: "We didn't hold a wedding, we lived together after registration." "I wrote you a letter, why didn't you reply?" Ge Bu once wrote me two letters, and after I got them, I threw them into the dustbin outside the mail room. "I did not receive it." Gob said yes?His eyes were stern and menacing on my face.

I turned and went into my room, and she said to herself outside: "I moved back, I hope it won't hinder your life, after leaving the old building, I always feel like I am wandering, cold and tired, I want to come back Stay for a while and find some warmth." My heart fell, although I have been avoiding any news from her, but I still know that she is like a Cinderella who walked out of the back alleys and married into a wealthy family. A lazy woman knows which kind of man is for love and which kind of man is for marriage. I called Chen Mo: "Let's go out for dinner together tonight."

Thinking that Chen Mo would meet Ge Bu, I started to panic, because he was the boy who kissed Ge Bu on his father's big bed. I wished I could chop him up with my teeth, but three years ago, when I met Ge Bu on the street He still couldn't hold back his tears, and he couldn't avoid his hand wiping my tears, because I love him, and in the face of love, all the hatred has taken off the armor. I chose the darkest corner of the restaurant, ordered food, and then kept losing my mind. Across the table, Chen Mo held my finger: "Why do you want to eat outside all of a sudden?" Tears came down all at once: "Ge Bu has moved back."

We never mentioned Ge Bu between us, as if there was no such person in our life, this is the first time. Chen Mo smiled dryly, took out a cigarette, and the lighter squeaked, but couldn't ignite. Just like a woman will never forget her first love, a man will never forget his first woman, which is a scar deep in his life. Men like to make themselves happy with love, while women use love to deceive themselves. Over the years, I have been forcing myself to believe that Ge Bu has disappeared from my life. In fact, she is a sleeping bomb, stranded in our hearts. I took the lighter and lit a cigarette for Chen Mo. He smoked a third of it and then extinguished it. He grabbed my hand and walked and walked on the street, like a pair of people caught on the opposite bank by a soaring river and unable to return home. child.

On the street, there are fewer and fewer pedestrians, and occasionally a car cuts through the silence of the night. Chen Mo took my hand: "Let's go home." I lay in his arms and wept. I really wanted him to tell me exactly how he broke up with Ge Bu back then, or to show me his attitude towards Ge Bu. Of course, I wanted him to describe it in a disdainful tone. But he kept silent, words are the lies of the soul, but I want some insincere lies to comfort myself. At the door, there was a man sitting on a cushion and begging in a low voice. It was Ge Bu's husband, Lu Kuan. He followed us into the living room. Gebu's room was lit, and there was a faint singing voice coming out of the crack of the door. She beat time on the wooden floor with her bare feet.

Lu Kuan patted the stained glass on the door humbly: "Ge Bu, I know it's my mother's fault. She shouldn't force you to have a grandson as soon as possible." The music inside the door stopped abruptly: "You can marry another woman who is willing to give birth to a grandson for your mother, so that you will not become a sinner who will wipe out all descendants of the Lu family." "I only want you, not children." "I don't want to be threatened with suicide by taking sleeping pills. If your mother really swallows the pills, I won't be a sinner forever!?" They were entangled all night, and Ge Bu didn't want to have a child just to fulfill her mother's wish, She never pushes herself for others, even a little bit.

In the morning, Lu Kuanyi sat on the floor leaning against Ge Bu's door and fell asleep, with a smile on his lips from time to time murmuring in his sleep, as if when he woke up, life would return to the hopeful state. Ge Bu's door suddenly opened, and Lu Kuanyi Kuan flashed back, opened his eyes, full of spring light, Ge Bu glanced at him disdainfully, then his eyes froze. Chen Mo just finished washing his face, with a few strands of wet hair hanging on his forehead, he is very refreshed. The past few years have made him look more like a sexy man than a boy. I coldly passed between their stiff gazes, went to the kitchen to heat milk, and then, there was a crackling sound, I couldn't hold the glass of milk, and broke two in a row. After pricking his finger, Chen Mo pinched his bleeding finger and frantically looked for a Band-Aid. Ge Bu laughed silently, with speechless teasing in the corners of his eyes.

That day, we didn't have breakfast, and with the appearance of Gebu, our life lost the calmness of the past, we always go out early and come home late. Ge Bu opened a beauty salon, and it opened very late and closed very late. When she came back, the house was filled with a strange fragrance, which was mysterious and seductive. Chen Mo has never spoken to Ge Bu, and neither have I. For a while, I often saw Lu Kuan at the door carrying large and small bags of fruit. In front of Ge Bu, he didn't look like a husband but a father who spoiled his daughter too much. He followed me into the living room, washed the fruit, put it in a fruit basket, and let me eat it like all the men who take the initiative to please my sister-in-law. I just smiled. Sometimes, I feel sorry for him. In fact, as long as he is willing, there are girls I am willing to wear a wedding dress for him, or donate my body without wearing a wedding dress. He has a prominent and dazzling family background, which is in line with the Cinderella dream of material girls, and he does not have to act like a child who has made an unforgivable mistake like now. Face, waiting for Gebu's forgiveness. However, Lu Kuan didn't, it seemed that the meaning of his whole life was to bear the happiness that Ge Bu gave him by making things difficult for him. Many times, after I turned around, I bitterly said in my heart: "Bitch." Including Ge Bu, including myself, are all low-class women. Since Ge Bu appeared, I suddenly felt a sense of humiliation. I continued to be with Chen Mo, which was very similar to being robbed of my favorite ice cream by Ge Bu when I was a child. Waiting for her to devour the flavor Then I retrieved the empty ice cream box and thought it was a treasure. When Ge Bu was in a good mood, she would entrust Lu Kuan into the bedroom. At night, her teasing jokes passed through the walls of the old building with poor sound insulation, and her moaning was very magnetic, like a song from a long time ago. Pulling it to the top of my head and slipping into Chen Mo's arms, Ge Bu's happy voice could not stop me from awakening my uncontrollable desire. In the dark, I stared at Chen Mo with my eyes open, and I asked him to open them. He likes to have sex with his eyes closed, but it's not possible now, I don't want him to close his eyes and use my body to recall a feeling many years ago. After making love, I stared at Chen Mo and shed tears without saying a word. He stretched out his finger to wipe it for me, because he knew why I was crying, and he didn't say anything. Spring is here, the magnolia tree outside the window is covered with white handkerchiefs, rustling in the wind, Lu Kuan’s car is parked under the tree, petals fall in twos and threes on the roof, it looks very lonely from the balcony. Every evening, Lu Kuan was busy in the kitchen and said mockingly: "Apart from dressing, she is the least able to take care of herself." In fact, no one knows how to take care of herself better than Ge Bu. She will not love anyone but herself. She has a pair of transparent eyes, like a cat squatting on the roof in the dark night. The hypocritical warmth is stripped away, just like she said while eating the dishes Lu Kuan cooked according to the recipe: "You are not doing this for me, but to fulfill your wishes, because you will find happiness when you are with me." Lu Kuan smiled forbearingly, and lovingly brushed away some messy strands of hair on his forehead. Ge Bu stared at his eyes and shook his head, avoiding his hand. Chen Mo never talked to Lu Kuan, his eyes occasionally met, and he quickly moved away, as if he disdain Lu Kuan's unmanly behavior, in fact, I know that in Chen Mo's heart, Lu Kuan is a cowardly but prevailing enemy , even if he doesn't say it, I can see through to the coldness. At the end of spring, we moved out of the old building. On the day of the move, Ge Buyi was at the door, watching the workers moving in and out, with a sense of loss in his eyes. When I missed her, she suddenly grabbed my arm Arm: "Are you still hating me?" I shook my head: "Do you care?" When her hand slipped, I felt the temperature of her fingers, like the stream behind a mountain. Chen Mo and I can't find the feeling we used to have. I can clearly feel the exhaustion of desire, like an old cat that has lost the ability to catch mice, curled up in the depths of the body, to Chen Mo's body. I can't forget that afternoon when I was 18 years old. In the book he returned to me, there was a love poem written for me. His body betrayed me. I still remember that when he left in a hurry, he was white. Embarrassingly, his T-shirt was worn backwards. I said Chen Mo, tell me, have you ever loved Ge Bu? Chen Mo didn't speak. I held his hand, nails dug into the flesh, he showed no pain expression. "Chen Mo, you said that you abandoned Ge Bu because you love me." Chen Mo still didn't speak. Later, he took my hand and covered his face: "Honey, let's not talk about this topic." I laughed, my heart fell down with a bang, it was Ge Bu who didn't love Chen Mo, but he loved her, he was not a man who was good at lying, maybe, being with me was just because he had a blood relationship with me and his favorite woman Relationship, but I took this feeling as love. These years, he didn't say that name because his heart hurts. When I was packing my things, he was lying on my back, and the hot liquid soaked into my sweater. I was afraid of his retention, and I was afraid that I would hug him and cry when I turned around, and I lost the courage to leave. So, I don't look back. Originally, this wasn't mine, and if it continued, it would become a charity. Since I saw Ge Bu again, his heart flew to a place where I couldn't catch it. Ge Bu called me: "Aren't you going to see me?" "Is it necessary?" The voice was cold, and the nails were snapping loudly on the table. I still went, because Ge Bu cried on the phone, I have never seen her shed tears, including when her father died. The old building is still the same as it used to be. The room that used to belong to me has not been covered with dust because of our departure. It is as clean as if it has been inhabited. Ge Bu was sitting on the sofa wearing a large pajamas, his body was obviously fatter, and his eyes kept following my feet: "I'm pregnant." "This doesn't seem to be something that pleases you." I sat across from her and looked at her calmly: "What can I do for you?" Ge Bu looked straight at me, a little dazed, with tears in his eyes: "I'm very upset, and I don't want this child, but it's said that abortion is very painful." "You can choose painless surgery." I looked at her coldly, she has always been like this, selfishly living only for herself, and never bear any consequences. "But, I'm a little bit reluctant." "This doesn't seem to be your character. You were born reluctantly. Besides, Lu Kuan will like it, and his family will like it too." Ge Bu sighed resentfully: "You won't forgive me, do you know? Love is never wrong. Back then I gave up Chen Mo just to give him back to you." I picked up my bag, slammed the door and left: "It's funny, Chen Mo is mine, do I need to express my gratitude to the robber who robbed me and returned it? My love doesn't need you to use alms, you move Isn’t the purpose of going back to the old building just to be unwilling to Chen Mo? As you wished, we separated again, are you happy now? Has your wish come true? You don’t want to have children because you are afraid of being strangled with your precious body and face , God made you pregnant as punishment for your selfishness!" Ge Bu chased after me and shouted at my back: "If I die, will you forgive me?" "It's just having a baby, you can't die." In the narrow street downstairs, I saw Lu Kuan, he was carrying so many things from the trunk of the car, every time he carried it, his body seemed to be in danger of weightlessness. I helped him hold the trunk lid: "Congratulations, you are going to be a father." He turned his head and smiled awkwardly: "Oh... yes... thank you, why are you here?" "Stop by and have a look." "Did Ge Bu say anything to you?" "No, she will give birth to this child for you." I turned and left. Turning the corner of the street, I saw Lu Kuan sitting on the trunk in a daze, like a wooden man in the sun. Occasionally, Chen Mo would come to see me, always sit down for a while, and leave. In name, we are still husband and wife, but there is already a gulf between us. Winter is coming, and Ge Bu was admitted to the hospital ahead of schedule. Originally, I didn't want to go, but Lu Kuan who came to pick me up burst into tears: "She has been thinking about you very much, go and see her." Ge Bu is dying, because of hatred, all these years, I forgot that she has heart disease and cannot have children. She was lying weakly in the intensive care unit, with many tubes inserted in her body, and she could no longer see me. Only when I held her hand, tears flowed down her pale face. The doctor said that the adult and the fetus can only save one, and Ge Bu's body burst into syndrome due to pregnancy. The moment he entered the operating room, Ge Bu seemed to be trying his best to hold my hand tightly: "Take care of the child for me." Looking at this sister who once made me hate, I burst into tears. It turns out that no matter how selfish a woman is, there is selfless maternal love in her blood. Chen Mo was also there, keeping his head down. Lu Kuan occasionally glanced at him, full of hatred. The miracle we expected did not happen. During the operation, Gebu's heart stopped beating, and a little pink baby girl was held in the palm of the nurse. Lu Kuan didn't go to see the baby, but jumped up when the doctor spread his hands helplessly, and knocked Chen Mo to the ground: "I did the sterilization operation without telling her, because she has a serious heart disease, don't you know?" Chen Mo didn't fight back, he leaned against the wall, letting the blood flow from the corner of his mouth slowly. When tidying Gebu’s drawer, I saw the letter lying on the living room table 8 years ago, she said that love is helpless, but one day, she will let Chen Mo come back to me, who made her a sister Well, the elder sister wants to let the younger sister. So, she married before I graduated from university, not for love, so Chen Mo would come back to me with all her heart. Yes, Chen Mo returned to my side, her heart is still on her body, in fact, her heart is not dead, in all these years, her heart has been hovering around the old building, she moved back just to curl up in the corner Looking at the old love from the sidelines, I can get a little bit of warmth that has nothing to do with me to soothe a broken heart. Love, really, does not come first, first served, and it makes people helpless, it can make people even die. A week later, I left the hospital with the baby in my arms. It was Ge Bu's love. Chen Mo followed behind. Lu Kuan didn't let us touch Ge Bu's body, saying that we were murderers. What will happen next?I don't know, I only know that the selfish one is actually me, it's me who took Chen Mo from Ge Bu.