Chapter 15 Chapter two

This time it really made me miserable, the people of Cao County celebrate the new year - it killed me!This is the first time I have suffered such a heavy treatment when I grow up so big.I still remember the feeling at that time clearly.At the beginning, I didn't feel too serious, but I was always glad that the old dummy didn't break my nerves.After the old mute and his party walked away, I looked up to see the direction they were going away, only to find that the surrounding crowd was already full of spectators. Eyebrows dancing and saliva flying, the people listening are bowing their heads and ears, concentrating on pointing and talking.Another sister-in-law pointed at me to educate her children: "Baby, have you seen it, have you seen it? Who can count on such a kid to succeed? If he doesn’t get killed, it’s a good thing!”

People gathered around me, chattering non-stop.At that time, I felt that I shouldn’t show my eyes here. They lived not far from the door of the house. It would be too embarrassing to stay any longer, so I wanted to get up and go home. I put my hands behind my back and stood up slowly with the support of the wall. Come.The crowd took a step back involuntarily. I tried to take a step forward. Every time I took a step, there was a piercing pain. The two legs like soft noodles were no longer enough to support the body, and the hands holding on to the wall began to tremble. They couldn't stop shaking, and they sat down on the ground again involuntarily.

In Jincheng at the end of March, the spring breeze has gradually warmed up, blowing warmly over people's faces like goose feathers, but at this moment, I feel the cold from the heart, which makes me shiver, and my throat is sticky , dry, unbearably thirsty.I slumped on the ground weakly, looking at the crowd more than a dozen steps away from me, the image gradually changed from clear to double, and finally blurred, and waves of fear hit my heart.I thought to myself that I might be able to choke, maybe I will die here today, my head was dizzy as if sleepiness was getting stronger, I stretched out my hand to the crowd with the last bit of strength, and opened my mouth, but I couldn't say a word , Immediately lost consciousness, vaguely felt someone pushing my shoulder, and someone shouted at me: "Don't close your eyes, wake up, don't fall asleep!"

As if I had had a good night's sleep, I woke up, opened my eyes and saw the snow-white ceiling, the hanging bottle on my head, and then my relatives and family members, as well as blue hats with big brims.My consciousness came back in an instant, damn it!I am saved!My mouth was still parched, I licked my lips, unable to speak, but I motioned for a drink of water.With tears in her eyes, the old lady shook her head, leaned down and said to my ear: "The doctor said you can't drink water first, please bear with it for a while!" I nodded helplessly, and someone went out to find the doctor.The doctor came over to check on my situation, took down the medical record from the bedside and began to record something, and then began to bombard the people around my hospital bed.Everyone went out helplessly one by one, and the old lady also went out step by step.Except for the faint "beep" sound from the instrument, there was no more movement in the ward.I tried my best to recall what happened, and when I thought of the big-brimmed hat I saw when I was awake, my heart sank again: Damn, how can I tell them?

The choking smell of Lysol stimulated my olfactory nerves one after another. Because I was involved in a criminal case, I was taken care of by "lucky" and transferred from the intensive care unit to a single room for treatment.Two days later, except that the wound was still aching, the "Yuan Shen" had recovered as before.I survived a catastrophe in exchange for temporary peace, and everything that happened after I was stabbed and passed out in Banqiao Alley gradually became clear in my heart from the narrative of my family. After I completely lost consciousness that day, a few bold men in the crowd stepped forward to observe, and found that I hadn't died completely, and there were still weak signs of life, so they hurriedly carried me to the west gate. On Li Street, I was intercepted by a Liberation car that had just been unloaded from the Dongmenli Garbage Loading Station, and I was taken directly to the Public Security Hospital.Several others went to the police station to call the police.Look at my life, I was on the verge of death before I got into the special car for garbage, but our old Tianjin Wei has always been full of warm-hearted people, if it weren't for that era, if it weren't for those who usually live in the streets and alleys. In a nutshell, the wife's tongue is passed on from east to west, the big ladies who play and roll around when their own interests are damaged, and the elders who are always swearing and cursing at the critical moment, I will definitely be there. In the afternoon of early spring, the blood was exhausted and everyone died and reported to the Palace of the King of Hell early.Really, the people who lived in the market in our old Tianjin Wei at that time looked like secular people, and they spent their days with each other, but when the critical moment came, there were really not many cowards who pissed in the sea, and counted on each other. Falling down on you and yelling at you, but helping you with something that could save your life, no one is ambiguous, this is the neighbors around us, maybe you haven't even looked at them - the door of our house!

Let’s talk about the injuries. From the ankle up, the ankle, the calf, the root of the thigh, the ball of the buttocks to the waist, there are 21 wounds in total, some of which are stabbed on the body. Twenty-one cuts, all concentrated below the waist. Fortunately, no bones were injured. They were all flesh injuries. I had been injured intermittently a while ago, and this time I was almost stabbed into a sieve, resulting in traumatic anemia. , needed blood transfusion and protein transfusion, and he was treated like this for more than a week.During this period, Mao Hua kept coming to investigate. I have always used the reason that I met these people after drinking too much that day, and I was beaten and stabbed after provoking me. In the past, the police station never came to the hospital to investigate.

Lying on the hospital bed, the scenes of that day still flashed in front of my eyes from time to time. Whenever the wound ached, I couldn't help cursing in my heart: "Damn! I really look down on you, old dumb, and I kept telling you No. Xitou old dumb, blocked me from taking the order, four beat me one, and I was unarmed! I don't admire you, if you old dumb are really 'good enough', we can make a deal, or One against one, did you take advantage of my unpreparedness to attack me? You wait, when I recover, didn't you stab me twenty-one times? I will return double the amount to you, forty Two knives! Absolutely I will return you with no more and no less. You didn’t pick my big tendons. If you don’t do it, I will break your old dumb’s big tendons. I only know one sentence, that is, one person dies , Ten thousand men are afraid..." After thinking about it, he fell asleep again in a daze.

This sleep lasted until the visiting time at night, and the family came to deliver meals.I had something on my mind, and I ate the pork rib soup and ribs sent by my family like a whirlwind.Waiting for me to eat a bowl of rice, my old lady went out to wash the dishes, and at this moment, someone picked her head at the door of the ward, a small head, a smooth three-legged head, and chattering eyes--Little Pomegranate up. I also knew that he was about to arrive. Seeing him pawing at the door, I waved to him and asked him to come and talk.Pomegranate still didn't dare to come in, so she asked me in a low voice at the door of the ward: "Is there any cap flower?" I said, "The cap flower hasn't come for several days, come in quickly!" Tell me: "I'll come over to explore the road, there are still a group of people behind, I'll tell them to go." Turn around and go out again, and in the blink of an eye, all the old people have arrived.Li Bin, Baojie, Lao San, Guodong, Xiaoyizi, Liangzi, Commander, and the bald gods gathered together in a room.The brothers carried canned fruit, malted milk, cigarettes, snacks and other consolation items in their hands, and they piled up a bedside table.Only Baojie was unreliable, and brought me two bottles of Zhigu sorghum!

When there are more people in the ward, the chattering becomes lively.When my old lady came back, she saw that there were a bunch of god-faced masters, and she couldn't help but feel a little worried.Both Baojie and Shiliu were close to my old mother, so they persuaded my mother to go home first.The old lady saw that there was less than an hour before the end of the visit, and I had finished my meal. After repeated urging by me, the old lady left uneasy. As soon as the old lady left, the chatterbox of these people opened up, and the room was in chaos. A little nurse in the corridor came in and yelled: "You all keep your voice down, the other patients have to rest!" Seeing the little nurse raised her eyebrows fiercely, she stared at the two bulls and shouted loudly: "What are you doing? Get out!" The little nurse blushed and turned her head to go out, no longer paying attention to us, and the few of us laughed wantonly.

Now that the room is clean, let's get down to business.I told them all about the ins and outs of this incident.The third child thought about it and said: "The old mute is really number one in Xitou. I've heard of this person before. This person claims that he will be disabled if he succeeds. Being crippled by him, he is famous for being ruthless. The year before last, Nantou Kiln had a "five groups" who had just started, because they met an old dumb man in the bathhouse, and the old dumb man was not good at talking, so he took the five groups for fun. Five Qun couldn't bear it anymore, and turned against him. The two made an appointment to come out for a painting comparison, but just outside, before Wu Qun was ready, they also used a boning knife to cut a big hole from Wu Qun's eyes. Wuqun's right eye was almost blind, and there is still a big scar on his eye, and the old dumb man made a decision with others, and he didn't play cards according to the routine, and others generally couldn't figure out his pulse. Mainly Xiaolin Biao Praise him, but Xiao Lin Biao can't control the old dumb. We have to think long-term about this matter, anyway, it's not easy to handle."

At this time, Li Bin took out his usual style of taking charge and making decisions, and told me in an orderly tone: "You give me a good recovery, don't think about anything else, I will talk about it after I touch his old dumb first, During this period, you must not act rashly, please give me some time, I am in charge of this matter!" Seeing the fierce look on Li Bin's face, I didn't say anything, and changed the topic to talk about other things After chatting for two full hours, the brothers and sisters filed out under the repeated urging of the nurse, walking in the corridor and still yelling: "Take care of yourself!" How Li Bin and the others will arrange it, let's not mention it for now, let me talk about such a "father" first.I met a friend while I was recuperating in the hospital, and later I can say that it was a lifelong friendship. For a long time, he played a pivotal role in my life.Let me first explain the situation of this person. His name is "Liu Qingmin" and his nickname is "Lao Jier". He is four years older than me. In order to give you a more intuitive understanding of his appearance, I will briefly describe it: He is about 1.75 meters tall, with short black and hard hair. He looks as simple as "Five Counties in the Four Suburbs" and resembles Wan Ziliang. There are dots of white-headed "pimples" scattered on his face. , lost two upper front teeth, I don’t know if it’s due to missing teeth or missing teeth. Most of the time, the old wilt is serious and doesn’t even talk much. He wears a grass-green military uniform all the year round. The scars on his body are a few "death marks" burnt with cigarette butts, and the old man's life experience is also full of various legends and accidents. Lao Ji'er's father was a highly respected cadre who went to the city. I went to Lao Ji'er's house later, and the walls were covered with photos of his father when he entered Tianjin and after.His father was in charge of the police station at that time, and he lived in a military compound near the October Theater in Hebei District.Lao Ji'er has three older brothers and four older sisters. He lives at home, and the older brothers and sisters are all arranged by his father to join the army. Some are in Beijing, some are in Xi'an, and some are in Jinzhou. Mixed up with an official and a half job. Originally, the old wilt was young at home, and he was very much loved by his parents. His father also wanted to follow the prescription and send him to the army to hone his skills before he could be promoted. Now, just go one step at a time, and you will be famous in the army, and then you will be retired until you end your life.His father found the old subordinates to clear up the relationship, and sent the old wilt to an army in Taiyuan, Shanxi without any trouble.Even though he is the son of a cadre, the old man does not have the arrogance and arrogance of the ordinary young master. The reason is his father's strict control and stick education. His father's control of these children at home still continues to control soldiers in the army His consistent "warlord style" has also resulted in Lao Shuer's unsmiling, inarticulate, and resigned temper. After arriving in the army, Lao Ji'er participated in recruit training, because the veterans bullied the students and repeatedly bullied the recruits, Lao Ji'er couldn't understand this, and because he contradicted the squad leader at a class meeting of the recruit class, the squad leader hated him.During a group meal in the cafeteria at noon, the squad leader instigated several veterans to provoke Lao Zhuer and admonished him in front of the whole company. The repressed youthful rebellion was stimulated.In the night of that day, Lao Zhuer carried a pot of boiling water and poured it on the squad leader without being humiliated at all.Fortunately, the squad leader was covered with a quilt, so the burns were not serious.Lao Ji'er was then placed in confinement and sent to a court-martial. The matter was suppressed by his father's old subordinates, and his father was notified. The old subordinates asked the old chief on the phone: "What do you think should be done about this?" Sternly speaking: "He is sent to the front line to be baptized and forged by the flames of war. If he is alive and can come back with a full body, he will be considered an adult. If he is disabled, he will be raised by the country. He will not come back with a short life." Even if my son is raised by the country!" So the old man and his subordinates followed suit, and a month later, the figure of the old man appeared on the "Faka Mountain" position in the self-defense counterattack. However, his father miscalculated again, and the old man The son had neither made any meritorious service, nor was honorably disabled, nor did he sacrifice his life for his country as a face to his father, but deserted during an urgent march! You want to ask why the old man deserted, is he afraid of death?In fact, it is not the case. Old Zhuer is really not the one who is afraid of death. His background also determines that he does not have the gene of fear of death in his body. The whole family from the army are all people who marched and fought and shrouded in horse leather. The reason why Lao Zhuer The reason why he didn't make a fool of his father was because Lao Zhuer had a natural psychological defect - he was dizzy! This bloodsickness is not fear of death or war, it has nothing to do with that, it is a psychological reaction, as long as it sees blood, it will be uncontrollable and vomit.In the peaceful era, the old wilt's family was in a good position, so what chance would his pampered life cause him to bleed?The high-ranking children are not like us, all of them are thicker than potatoes. If you make a cut or a hole, you can just spit it out on the ground with your mouth. That old wilt is a baby at home, unless you have a period, or you won’t see blood. The chances are almost nonexistent. According to Lao Zhuer himself later told me that during the blood test during the military medical examination, when he saw his blood being drawn out by the nurse little by little along the needle tube, he felt that the sky was turned upside down, his face was pale and his lips were colorless, he could only put His eyes shifted to another place, and he endured it before dealing with it.While marching in a hurry, he saw military trucks pulling the wounded from the front line. The wounded on the trucks were blood-stained uniforms soaked in bandages.He tried not to look at it, but the more he didn't want to look, the more he looked at the wounded, until a stretcher carrying the wounded stopped in front of him, and he saw that the clothes of the wounded on the stretcher had been blown off, and his hands Holding his calf that was blown off, the wound surface of the calf was still flowing with purple blood, he collapsed completely, a mouthful of warm military rations rushed out, and sprayed directly on the back of the comrade in front After that, he passed out with a bloodless face. After the comrades reported to the squad leader, the squad leader left two soldiers to take care of him, and then hurried away.At the beginning, the two soldiers fed the old man with water and some medicine, and when the old man recovered, the three of them sat on the side of the road to rest.The fear in his heart firmly occupied the old man's heart. He decided to run away. By chance, the road in front of him had been blown up in the previous battle, and the road was full of shell craters. A military vehicle fell into a crater, and the two soldiers guarding him stepped forward to help push the vehicle.When the old wilt saw the opportunity and missed it, he didn't come back again, and rolled down the hillside behind him with his head in his arms, and fled without anyone noticing. The two soldiers guarding Lao Jier came back and saw Lao Jier's weapons and luggage on the side of the road but did not see him.Relying on the only few months of allowances in his pocket and the few coins sent by his family, Lao Zhuer lived and slept all the way. On the fourth day of his escape, he was sent to chase after him by a team of supervisors in Fusui County, Guangxi. After catching up, he was taken back to the company in the rear. After a thorough investigation and the confinement was closed, a cadre of the army hurriedly contacted Lao Ji'er's father, and with his father's approval, he escorted Lao Ji'er back to Tianjin.The old wilt's father saw that the old wilt was really a rotten wood, so he lost hope in him, but he couldn't leave him alone, so he arranged for him to find a job in a department of the post and telecommunications system through his relationship.Not long after Lao Zhu'er went to work at the post office, through some unknown channel, the story of Lao Zhu'er fleeing in fear of battle at the front spread all over the system where he worked.Gradually, Lao Zhuer realized that the companions around him no longer greeted him with a smile and a pleasant face, but rather had a cold face as cold as ice. Rumors spread to Lao Zhuer's ears one after another. After all, Lao Zhuer is a five-foot-tall man with strong self-esteem, although he knows in his heart that his father has racked his brains to arrange this relative for him at the expense of face. It's a decent job, but the reputation of running away from battle and being afraid to fight before the battle weighs him down.From then on, Lao Shuer's personality became more silent and introverted, moody, and his interpersonal relationship in the work unit was also extremely bad.The depression in Lao Ji'er's heart has also reached the critical point of explosion, as long as there is a spark, it will explode. In fact, Lao Er is still very stubborn in his bones, but his current living environment and his parents' incomprehension of him make him extremely resentful, and he can't find a channel to vent and a person to confide in, so he just smokes a cigarette when he has nothing to do. While smoking, I ironed the "dead lottery" on my arms. At first, I ironed them one by one.He was gradually obsessed with the feeling of letting the cigarette butts slowly scald the skin, and slowly burn the muscles little by little, and let the scars unfold little by little.The scar gradually becomes rounder and deeper, looking for the heart-piercing pleasure in the burning pain. When he was working in the unit, sometimes he inadvertently exposed his two arms, which shocked all his colleagues.At that time, most people who had this kind of "dead sign" burned on their arms were not accepted by people, and they were regarded as playing shit.When he got home, he deliberately let his parents see his "works". Seeing the pain and regret expressed by his parents, the old man even felt elated in his heart. Why didn't he know the truth of "the body and skin are affected by the parents", he This is silent defiance.Under the coercion of the old warlord father at home and the disregard and rejection of his colleagues in the work unit, he could not find a friend to talk to, and he could not find a person to confide in, even temporarily, to vent his depression.The old wilt felt that he was aggrieved in life, and his young and restless heart always wanted to find someone to fight, but when he thought of his blood-sickness, which was enough to make him feel inferior, he swallowed his anger again and again. Finally, on a morning when he just got to work, when he was loading and unloading mail, Lao Zhuer had a serious conflict with his team leader. For a while, all the grievances, depression, and hatred of Lao Zhuer these days were vented here. On a hapless team leader.The old wilt left everything behind, kicked and kicked recklessly, and punched the hapless bastard on the nose, adding to the suffering of the old wilt. It was not so coincidental that the team leader He suffered from low platelets, when he punched, blood gushed out of that bastard's nose like a fountain, and flowed down along the crevices of his fingers covering his nose. When the old man saw the blood, he closed his eyes tightly and didn't dare to look at it again. He suddenly felt dizzy and was sweating all over his body. Before the team leader could fight back, he had already collapsed on the ground.Colleagues didn't know why, so they surrounded Lao Zhuer to check what it meant, and then Lao Zhuer got up from the ground with a loud roar, and ran out of the door like crazy. Lao Zhuer roared and ran out of the gate of the post office, ran for hundreds of meters like a demon possessed by a god, and finally sat down on the curb beside the road, panting.His eyes were staring, his mouth was breathing heavily, he took out a cigarette from his pocket and was about to light it, when he suddenly felt his stomach churning like a sea, he quickly stood up and vomited along the wall.In this fight, Lao Ji'er had already gained the upper hand, and seeing that the team leader was defeated by him, he fell short at the critical moment. Since then, this glorious performance of the old man has been widely circulated within the system, and has become a laughing stock among colleagues.Lao Ji'er was defeated by himself again. Lao Ji'er, who fought with his team leader and refused to accept the management, was transferred from the original department by his superiors because his father had a relatively tough background, and was transferred to the warehouse as a warehouse clerk.Now Lao Er is more isolated from the outside world and more autistic. After a period of time, he fell into the problem of talking to himself again. His colleagues in the unit all said that he was mentally ill. This fight had greatly stimulated Lao Ji'er's spirit, and Lao Ji'er knew it well, and vowed in his heart that he would pass the test of bloodsickness, otherwise he would only be bullied, ridiculed, and looked down upon by others in the future.Anyway, he is now an idler and has a lot of time. Since then, the old wilt has been going to the surgical emergency departments of major hospitals one after another, specifically to see those who were sent to the hospital. Car accidents, industrial accidents, bloody head, to experience my courage and fear of blood sickness and injury.This kid has gone crazy for a while, and the anti-imperialist hospital, the public security hospital, the general hospital, and the first central hospital all left him wandering around in the surgical emergency department. It was at this time that Lao Jier and I got acquainted. From here on, Lao Jier, Pomegranate and I formed a fateful iron triangle relationship, and once formed a situation of fighting against Li Bin. When I was sent to the hospital for emergency treatment by kind neighbors, Lao Jier was wandering boredly in the surgical emergency department of the hospital. When he saw a man with bloody wounds from the waist down, he immediately cheered up and went to the hospital. Before sharpening his fear and dizziness towards bloody.According to what Lao Zhuer told me afterwards, after I entered the emergency room, the nurse threw out my long johns like a mop that had been soaked in water, and Lao Zhuer stared at my long johns in the trash can for a long time. From that day on, Lao Zhuer had never had the curiosity about the process of my injury. He followed my footsteps in the hospital again and again, from the intensive care unit to the general ward today. to.At that time, it was not like the visitation system in the hospital now, and family visits were time-controlled every day.Almost every day when people come to visit my family to deliver meals, I can see Lao Jier pawing his head at the door of the ward.He didn't speak, and didn't stay long. Once, he was stopped and interrogated by Maohua who came to investigate. Lao Ji'er said that he was fooling around by saying that he was accompanying the family members of the patient. On the fourth day when I was lying in the hospital bed, I also began to notice him poking his head at the door. To be honest, I was a little confused when I first noticed him. I always thought that the old man was sent by the old mute. The one who "makes up the knife" is still thinking that this is going to kill me. I can't get off the ground. If he really comes in and hits me a few times while no one is paying attention, I really have nothing to do. Let me look at the man standing by the bed. Infusion stand, Xin said: "If it doesn't work, let's use it as a comparison!" Finally, one day when I was eating lunch, I saw the old wilt wandering around the door again.I couldn't help but yelled at him: "Hey! Why are you hanging around this door all the time? Why did your mother come in and tell me something!" When the old wilt heard me calling him, he stood at the door hesitantly He didn't move, his eyes showed a trace of panic, he opened his mouth and swallowed saliva, and he could see the Adam's apple on his neck moving up and down, but he froze in place for a moment, at a loss. This kind of performance of Lao Ji'er made me feel a lot more at ease. If it was a character who came to "make up the knife", he should not have such a performance.I calmed down a bit, and raised my hand to greet him: "Come and help me!" Then Lao Zhuer walked into the ward cautiously, and walked to my hospital bed step by step.I said to him: "If you are tired, can you help me shake the bed?" Old Zhuer didn't say a word, and lowered his head to shake my hospital bed up and down. I sat on the bed and looked up and down at Lao Zhuer. From the outside, his clothes and attire were somewhere between an honest boy and a playboy. You can classify him either way, but his face was not The banditry that is common on the faces of the playmates is not airy, and they appear to be serious and honest.At this moment, Lao Ji'er's face was flushed red, and he could not speak.I saw that there was no one in the room, so I thought it would be better to find a step to relieve the awkward atmosphere, and said to him with a smile on my face, "Do you have any cigarettes, buddy? Give me one!" He took out a box of "Cloud Bamboo" from his pocket, took out one and handed it to me, and lit a cigarette for me with a match, then he turned and left again.I yelled at him: "Hey, don't go, you have to help me plant the flag (sentry), and tell me when you see nurses and doctors coming!" Looking at the door frame, meticulously watch out for me.I asked him, "Why do you hang around my door every day? What do you want? Where are you from?" Seeing that I had run out of cigarettes, Lao Zhu turned around and went into the house again.I motioned for him to pull up a bench and sit down.Only then did Lao Zhuer start to tell me all about his experiences, but of course he didn't finish his story that day. Ever since I came here, Lao Zhuer began to run towards me from time to time, and when he came, he would still hang out outside the door and pick his head. As long as there were people in the room, he would never come in. Once no one was by my bedside, he would enter the house on tiptoe. I don't stay too long, and I sit for ten minutes every time before leaving.He doesn't have much to say when he sits down, and he usually answers whatever I ask him. He's really just like his nickname, too "little", and he belongs to the master who can't kick a fart with three legs.In the future, Lao Lier will come again and start to bring me things, two boxes of cigarettes today, two boxes of canned luncheon meat tomorrow, and two boxes of milk cakes the day after tomorrow.I was very sorry, we met by chance, and the old man was a few years older than me, and he came to see me twice in the past three days and still came empty-handed, which made me feel embarrassed! The wound had healed well at first, but I didn't know what happened later. After an infusion, I had large erythema all over my body, accompanied by itching all over my body.After the doctor came to check, he began to do blood and urine tests on me. After the results came out, he found that there were ingredients in the infusion that I was allergic to, so he prescribed medicine and infusion again.I was about to be discharged from the hospital, so I stayed in the hospital for another half a month. On the day before I was discharged from the hospital, several brothers headed by Li Bin came to pick me up.The day before I was discharged from the hospital, Lao Jier came, and I had already told him that I would be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. I just took this opportunity to introduce Lao Jier to Li Bin and the others. They shook hands and nodded in greeting.Lao Ji'er and I also left contact information with each other, and we agreed to strengthen our relationship in the future and walk around as good friends. In this way, a catastrophe is exchanged for a rest, a bloodshed to make a dead friend, the choice of gains and losses, right and wrong, it is God's will somewhere.