Chapter 12 Chapter Twelve

I don't know if Liu Feng didn't want to live when he did that.Using his life to lead the way is necessary, and it seems unnecessary.The fork where Liu Feng waited for the ambulance was less than seven kilometers away from the dressing station. If the driver sent him to the emergency tent first, and then turned around to deliver ammunition and supplies to the ×× regiment, the difference would be thirty to forty minutes, and hundreds of ammunition would be exhausted. The desperate soldiers are nothing more than an extended thirty or forty minutes of running out of ammunition and food.That's right, during those 30 to 40 minutes, there was a possibility of being attacked by the enemy, and there was also the possibility of being peaceful.Afterwards, it was indeed peaceful; the radio of the XX Regiment was blown up, and they left the battle in a daze, and were not involved in the fighting for the next two days.I don't know whether Liu Feng's choice to risk his life to help the driver give ammunition is due to his noble personality, or he wants to create a heroic story.Maybe he, like He Xiaoman, also has a subconscious desire to die.This secret wish started to sprout the moment Lin Dingding yelled "Help me".Maybe later, when we all turned against him.

When the truck driver was driving like crazy to the bandage station, Liu Feng felt ruthless in his heart, hurry up, it's too late, you can't catch up with the blood flowing from my artery.The truck was driven into bullet holes and puddles, and muddy water splashed on the glass of the doors on both sides, and Liu Feng was awakened.Seeing him wake up, the driver screamed and cried: "You brother-in-law! You are lying to me! You don't want to live, why don't you die in my car!" Liu Feng smiled triumphantly: This is what he wants, he His death will create a heroic story, which will spread far and wide, will be composed, filled in lyrics, written into songs, and popularized in the songbook of a female singer. That Lin Dingding with a sweet voice will eventually have to Singing it, I couldn't help thinking of him while singing, and thinking that his death had something to do with her, a tiny bit of a relationship, but she couldn't get away from that relationship.Xia Ye, that touch is his entire love history at the age of twenty-six. You still call him "help"?I was the one who died in the end.Amidst the sound of the truck running wildly and falling apart, he watched the mud splashing on the glass with fireworks contentedly.Thinking of this, Liu Feng looked at the glass window completely muddy, and closed his eyes contentedly.

Liu Feng was already in a deep coma when he was sent to the dressing room.At this moment, the driver has formed a hero worship complex towards Liu Feng, and donated 300 milliliters of O-type blood for him.Liu Feng's deeds came from the driver's mouth.It happened that a reporter from the military region was interviewing in this bandaging station, and wrote a report on his deeds, called "Retrograde with Life". That report and He Xiaoman's report appeared successively in the newspapers.I was still a novice in this field at the time. After reading these two reports, I just felt that something was wrong, it was not the case, but I couldn't explain why.I regret that those two reports were not written by me.In any case, I understand them on many levels.

He Xiaoman's image in a 5,000-word reportage is like this: weak and stubborn, tenacious and full of idealism, a pair of thin iron shoulders carried a seriously wounded person for more than ten kilometers, across valleys and river beaches, Back through the jungle where snakes and scorpions are rampant, through the villages where the enemy is infested, and back to the world from the edge of death.When He Xiaoman read this report, she couldn't believe that the heroine was herself.She recalled the incident over and over again, but it was nothing like the report.Roughly, the process is as follows: she and another young male nurse took a truck transporting the corpses of martyrs back to the dressing room. The truck strayed into a minefield, and the car was blown up. The male paramedic was injured in his leg. She helped him walk more than ten miles. On the way, she met a documentary film crew and took them back to the field hospital in a car loaded with filming equipment.He Xiaoman was helping the male nurse on the march. He was too tired to walk, but she didn't dare to stop. She did carry him for a short distance, not what was written in the report: crossing mountains and rivers with a wounded comrade on her back .The comrade-in-arms was seventeen or eighteen years old, a typical Sichuan mountain man, thin and strong, weighing more than one hundred catties, she would not be able to carry him for more than ten miles if she was killed!For a certain distance, she wrapped him in a shroud, and crawled forward with a rope tied around her waist. The cloth was quickly worn out, and she cried and begged him to climb with her, and finally they walked along the road. The grass crawled for a mile or two and ran into the camera crew's car.

He Xiaoman also couldn't recognize the photo in the newspaper: a female soldier in a nurse's white shirt was sitting on the root of a tree, some white sheets were floating on the clothesline behind her, the setting sun shone on her young face, her fingertips Holding a branch of wildflower, the petals seemed to tickle her lips.The female nurse in the photo is beautiful, as beautiful as a poem, the kind of poem that makes people feel nasty when they think about it.A line of words next to the photo read: "Battlefield Angel He Xiaoman".On the second day after the report was published, she went to work early in the morning, and as soon as she went out, she was scared away by a banner tied to two trees opposite the door.The big characters on the banner read: "Respond to the call of the military region, set off an upsurge of learning from Comrade He Xiaoman!"

She stepped back through the door, feeling ambushed.When she was four years old, her father went out and saw a banner, so he hurried back home.It was the opposite general mobilization, mobilizing people to fight the right-wing father.He just slept for one night, and the people mobilized and united to overthrow him: he was sleeping and dreaming well, and people pulled out slogans outside and ambushed him with the word "Lean to the Right".Like her father, Xiao Man gently opened the window a crack, wanting to see if the banner saying "Ambush" her was still there, and if she had been delusional just now.It was there, with a big red background and big golden characters.She closed the window, really, she was ambushed when she slept well.Can't honor ambush a man?She circled the room, and then again.How to go out?The morning shift is waiting for her to go to work, but what should I say when I see someone, what posture and demeanor should I show?What does a person who is "learned" by everyone look like?

Ten minutes later, the young nurses who were sweeping the yard and doing exercises saw a different Nurse He from yesterday: black half-heeled leather shoes, a white shirt with sky blue spots, and a blue military skirt that just reached her knees.The hair is the most wonderful, with a thick bun piled on the back of the head, which elongates the back of the head and neck. People in the valley use their compliments to describe this hair: foreign style.After the big banner at the door scared Xiao Man back, the way she used to resist was to dress herself up.The He Xiaoman on the slogan doesn't seem to be her, just like the "angel" in the big photo in the newspaper, it's another person, and her dress seems to be getting closer to that person.She spent more than ten minutes tidying up her hair, the thick black hair that was called "shit pegs" by her younger brother; She put a very thin layer of powder on her face, and painted her lips in a color that no one could detect, and then she stared at the small mirror on the washstand to see if the face in it was like that other person, was it Closer to the photo in the newspaper.The next step is to choose clothes: she has two plain clothes shirts, one pure white and one with blue spots.The one with the blue dots was bought when she married her husband, and it was what she wore in the wedding photo.She is not like her in the wedding photo, like all the brides in the world who marry for the sake of marriage, only to find out at the end of their life, and live happily ever after in the wedding photos.Her half-heeled T-shaped black leather shoes are also used in wedding photos. She is 1.60 meters tall when she wears them. You must not disappoint those who learn from you.Although the "angel" He Xiaoman in the newspaper photo is sitting, her legs are in a dancing pose, which makes her look very slender, so she looks much taller, at least 1.65 meters. Although she is not as good as Hao Shuwen, she is at least as tall as Lin Dingding is about the same height.She lifted the waist of the military uniform skirt a bit, and the legs under the skirt were more exposed. She knew that these legs were the most worthy of showing off.

Ever since He Xiaoman rescued the male nurse, the publicity department of the bandaging clinic had a premonition that the humble Nurse He would be a good material for a heroic article, and that Nurse He must be protected so that she could no longer be left on the front line.In this way, He Xiaoman, who had just participated in the war for a week, was sent back to the hospital department in the valley at the junction of Sichuan and Yunnan.Speaking of which, He Xiaoman's deed of saving his comrades arrived before her. When she got off the train, the director of the Political Department had already brought two reporters from the military newspaper to greet her.

She trotted all the way, and on both sides of the aisle sandwiched by the Eucalyptus eucalyptus, large banners with gold letters on a red background were all pulled up. Her name was all on the banners, and there were praises in front of her name: Heroic nurse, angel who saved lives and healed the wounded, Bethune A white-clothed soldier... She walked more and more anxiously, as if being chased by bullets. Fortunately, the people in the hospital were not familiar with her, so they hadn't matched her appearance and name for a while.She felt her heart beating in her throat, on her temples, her fingertips, her eyelids, and the tips of her eyelashes were transmitting the beating of her heart everywhere.My father used to run in the same way among the slogans written in black and white on a white background, as if he was being chased by bullets.She ran to the door of the nurse's duty room, opened the door and said, "Sorry, I'm late!"

There were five or six people sitting in the nurse's duty room, and when they saw her, they got up from the stools and chairs together.She was ambushed again.People held out their hands to shake her hand.She still said, sorry, I'm late.Five or six people said that it is not too late, we are all waiting for you. She thought, why not too late?She has been a nurse for two years and has never been a minute late.Now it's twenty minutes late, and the night shift nurse has been on duty for an extra twenty minutes for her. She's afraid they'll notice the bun on her head, the half-heels on her feet, the thin powder on her face, and the shirt on her body. , What did she use up those twenty minutes late for?One of the five or six people was from the political department of the hospital, the young director of the political department who had greeted her at the train station a few days ago.

The young director of the Political Department introduced several other visitors to her, all of whom were from the news organizations in the province, hoping to invite Nurse He to give reports in schools and institutions in the province.He Xiaoman felt that everyone's eyes were too bright and they were chasing after her, but she was desperately thinking about her lines.She must have said something, because five or six people reacted immediately and said she was "too modest."The young director called her Xiao He and said: Xiao He won't go to work today, huh?Go back and get ready, huh?Tomorrow morning train, Chengkun Express.The young director of the Political Department is quite sophisticated.When the people from the province left, the director took out a stack of manuscript paper from his pocket and stuffed it in her hand: "This is the manuscript for the report, and it's all ready for you." Alright, here comes the prompt. He Xiaoman spent the whole day rehearsing the lines on the draft paper.The manuscript is about her psychological activities when she "crawled to the shore of life with her seriously injured comrades on her back". It said how many times she was shaken, desperate, and fearful. She escaped alone, but seeing the helplessness of her comrade-in-arms and hearing his groans from pain, she defeated her selfish self.This manuscript can only be read as a line. In the battle hero report group, there is only one female soldier, He Xiaoman, who is truly a jewel in the palm of her hand.Like all members of the report group, she has no space on the front of her military uniform, military medals, medals, and a silk glory flower bigger than her face.All the heroes are dressed up to fit in a sedan chair. On this day in April 1979, He Xiaoman was the sun, surrounded by so many young faces as bright as sunflowers!That's their age, right?She took the two "French braids" combed by her mother and fled to a new life three thousand miles away.She was so reluctant to take the braids apart, and in the end they couldn't be taken apart, they could only be cut off. "Cutting" is the least troublesome, and it is better to continue. Didn't the father also choose to cut it?What is cut off is his own life, and what is cut off is the possibility of things and the relationship between people changing towards ugly.She signed each notebook, and there were only two words left in her name: Xiaoman.Cut it off, shouldn't she give herself a freedom from subordination?"Xiaoman" "Xiaoman" and "Xiaoman" flow in her writing, what her father gave her, she takes back from her mother, and returns what does not belong to her to her mother and stepfather, she does not need the word "he" , He Xiaoman?What is Xiaoman?Who's Xiaoman?Xiao Man can only be herself, her own. How much worship does Xiao Man receive every day!Offset the bullying and insult we gave her a thousand times, and the negative is positive, but what about positive?Will it cancel each other out too?Too much praise, too much glory, all piled up together, can't you give me some more?Drought leads to drought death, waterlogging leads to death from waterlogging... Xiaoman's autograph is almost crippled, and sweat drips down his chest and back, isn't it turning rancid again?It must be rotten.How could it be her Xiaoman in the big photo in the newspaper?It could only be another person, looking so cool and crisp.And Xiaoman was soaked in sweat every time she moved, and was rotten by sweat, so rotten and stinking.She started to get rid of people, to break out of the crowd, and the prize pen for signing was also taken away.A few arms hold her, and me, and me, you haven't signed me yet!All the young faces are on her body, don't forget, you don't want to touch me in the past! That night, when she returned to the No. 1 Guest House of the Military Region, the gatekeeper called her to stop and handed her a telegram.Her mother, whom she had bid farewell to forever, actually wanted to see her.At night, Xiao Man was lying on the Simmons bed in this high-ranking hostel, thinking about a question: Did she become another person, or did the world become another world, and the crowd became another crowd?Or did the mother become another mother, from old to young, and back to the real mother who accepted her father's caress and conceived her?Or turned her back into a sprout of life, reheated in her mother's womb, and then came out with a new name?She clearly has a new title, but it's just a new title that doesn't suit her, makes her embarrassed, and doesn't dare to take it, because she doesn't have a real mother to back it up for her.In the morning, she woke up to the sound of "Goodbye Mama" feeling too full, full of "Goodbye Mama" lyrics, unable to digest, and unable to vomit.She also felt chest tightness and suffocation, the singing voice filled her trachea and lungs, she couldn't become a camellia to accompany her mother, she couldn't become anyone, she still had to be herself, even if she was discriminated against and hated by others, she still had to do it She herself, except the mother's womb to her furnace. I later met Liu Feng, and when I heard that Xiaoman had suffered from schizophrenia, I went to the psychiatric department of the General Hospital of the Military Region where she was hospitalized to inquire.At that time, she had been transferred to a more professional psychiatric hospital—Chongqing Geleshan Hospital.What I heard was this scene: that morning, "Battlefield Angel" He Xiaoman opened the window and shouted to the people running downstairs: "Stop! Tell him to stop! Stop singing!" All the joggers and yard sweepers stopped and looked at her.Her hair was puffed up like an oversized black dandelion. "Stop! Stop singing!" she screamed to the singing voices in the world. The attendant opened her door, and the script was torn into flakes, whitening the floor beneath her feet."I'm not a fighting hero, I'm so far from a hero," she told the waiter. She kept muttering these few words, and the morning report meeting had to be cancelled.In the afternoon, a middle-aged woman came to the guest house, saying she was from Shanghai to see her daughter He Xiaoman.The woman carries a suitcase in her left hand and a net bag in her right hand. People can see the contents of the net bag: a big metal biscuit bucket and a big sugar box, both of which are shining golden. To Chengdu people, just empty boxes and barrels are enough Priceless.There is still a large bunch of bananas in the net pocket, and Chengdu people have long forgotten what bananas look like.The woman is not tall, but she is made even shorter by the things in her hands.The waiter told the woman that her daughter has locked herself in the house and locked the door so that no one can get in. The woman followed the waiter to the door of that room. The waiter tried to knock on the door lightly, but no one answered.The room faces south, and the bright light casts the shadow of a pair of shoes with two and a half high heels under the crack of the door. The people in the room are obviously standing with their backs against the door, but no matter how you knock or call the door, those feet don’t move. The middle-aged woman pushed the waiter away and called softly through the crack of the door: "Xiao Man, open the door, mom is here to see you." There was a sound in the door: the soles of shoes rubbed against the floor.The person inside the door was turning around, from turning his back against the door to facing the door. "Man! Open the door!" The changed title caused those inside to unbolt the door. "Man Man!" The door opened, and He Xiaoman's face was radiant. She had a new military uniform and a new hat, her chest was covered with military medals, and a red ribbon was slung across her shoulder. There was a big hydrangea in the center of the ribbon. She looked like a young female marshal.Her eyes are also the kind of immortal eyes facing the future in the hero photos.The middle-aged woman took a step back and used half of the waiter's body as her cover to see what happened to the young female marshal first.He was clearly alive, but how did he enter into this state of immortality? At this moment, she heard Xiao Man whispering sincerely: "I am far from a hero. I am not the person you are looking for." She just walked out the door from her mother and the waiter, and walked down the corridor, with only this sentence: "I am so far from a hero..." She went downstairs like that, and walked into the big sun amidst the singing of "Goodbye, Mother".The middle-aged woman came to her senses, this is really her daughter He Xiaoman.She followed and ran downstairs, and the biscuit barrel and sugar box in the net pocket also beat drums and gongs all the way. He Xiaoman was held back by guard soldiers in the courtyard of the guest house, because a chief's car came from behind the building and almost knocked her down.The chief's car would hit the fence if it didn't hit her.He Xiaoman's mother wailed and covered her eyes with her hands.She thought that her daughter was not sacrificed on the front line, but was sacrificed under the wheel of the chief.But the chief lowered the window glass and shouted loudly: "Where are you going to hit?!" When he saw Xiaoman's badges, glory flowers, and ribbons all over her body, she was a heroine, and the chief fell silent.The chief got out of the car, saw something, and asked Xiaoman, "Little girl, what's wrong with you?" Xiao Man had an angelic smile on her face. He Xiaoman has been in the psychiatric hospital for several years, always with such an angelic smile, carefree, kind and kind, as if he is imprisoned in a very limited activity space, devouring by the handful every day Pills are fine.It also seems that psychiatry is her paradise.On the fifth day after being admitted to the hospital, the young director of the political department of the hospital came, and He Xiaoman had no memory of him in his expression.Like her mother, she neither expressed familiarity nor seemed strange.The young director of the political department came with bad news, but after seeing He Xiaoman, he pressed the telegram back in his belt.The telegram told Xiaoman that her newly married husband had died. Xiao Man knew that it was more than a year after her husband died.At that time her condition improved slightly.The news was relayed by her attending doctor, because martyrs' relics, deposits, pensions, etc., a bunch of forms, need to be signed by the widow of the martyr.Without Xiaoman's signature, the martyr's parents in his hometown could not enjoy the meager benefits that his son gave them in exchange for his life.The doctor in charge is Xiao Man's most trusted person. When he told Xiao Man the bad news that happened more than a year ago, Xiao Man accepted it calmly.The doctor doubted whether she understood, but the next day he was sure she understood, because beside her hospital bed, there was a two-inch photo, and a handful of gold picked from the grass was inserted in the mouthwash jar. Yellow wildflowers: the kind of dandelion flowers that herbicides can't get rid of.In the two-inch wedding photo, Xiaoman and her husband seem to be unfamiliar, and their smiles are a little embarrassed.The platoon leader who had been nursed by Xiaoman had a dark and thin face, bright eyes, but dull eyes.Xiaoman once went through the sea of ​​disappointment, and landed on the first island she encountered.