Chapter 4 A letter to Ah Ching

Ah Ching: I am writing to you to talk to you about some issues that may be troubling you.I can't say that there are ready-made answers to every question. I can only give you some hints based on my personal observation and experience of life to help you find the path you think is feasible and embark on the journey of life. I know that you have experienced the most shocking moment in your life. At that moment, you suddenly faced your true self and realized that you were carrying a different fate from most people; at that moment, you may feel that you are The loneliest person in the world, the sudden hesitation, the inexplicable fear and sadness, I am afraid that your young and sensitive seventeen or eighteen years old can not bear and understand.When adolescence invades your body and mind like a storm, you are like other growing teenagers, you long for the love and comfort of another person, and you find that the object of your admiration is the same gender as you, you The momentary panic may not be able to be subdued in a short period of time.You can't tell your parents, you don't want to tell your brother, maybe even your closest friend you don't want to tell him.Because you have heard, from many people's mouths, the contempt and ridicule of this kind of love since you were a child, so you hide this "love that you dare not speak" deep in your heart, and you don't want anyone to know it—this is heavy on you. The burden in your heart is the source of your loneliness, because no one can share the pain in your heart with you, and you have to bear the cross of fate and walk alone.But I want to tell you, Ah Qing, in fact, before you and after you, there are many people in the world who have the same fate as you. .Some failed and embarked on the path of self-destruction. According to statistics, homosexuals have a higher suicide rate and alcoholism tendency than ordinary people, because they cannot bear the pressure of society and cannot relieve the heavy burden in their hearts.San Francisco is the city with the highest rate of homosexuals in the United States, but it is also one of the cities with the highest suicide rate. Thousands of people, most of them young, have fallen into the sea from the Golden Gate Bridge to their deaths.Some have spent their entire lives avoiding, daring to face themselves, and living a double life.But there are not a few people who, after several hard struggles, finally accepted the special destiny bestowed on them by God, and some even turned grief and anger into strength and created some careers.I read the biographies, diaries, and letters he wrote to his brother, the great Russian musician, who was also gay.I have always loved his music, but I was more moved by the emotional torment of his life.At the beginning, Tchaikovsky could not accept the fact that he was a homosexual. When he was thirty years old, he married a female disciple who admired him. It was a failed marriage. Tchaikovsky once had a mental breakdown and jumped into the river attempted suicide.In fact, the person he loves the most in his life is his sister's son Bob. When Bob was a teenager, Tchaikovsky had already had a deep relationship with him. The two had a father-son relationship and a teacher-student friendship. , and later became a pair of dependent couples.Tchaikovsky wrote in his diary: I love him so much, it is terrible.Not seeing Bob for a moment made him feel "unbearably lonely".However, social morality and ethics often make him feel guilty and self-blaming. He wrote his "Symphony of Sorrow" full of resentment and sorrow, which was his last masterpiece and his final work. He dedicated the first immortal movement to Bob.Shortly after Tchaikovsky's death, Bob committed suicide because he could not bear to live without his uncle's nurturing love.Of course, I can also cite many famous figures in history, from Socrates, Alexander the Great, Michelangelo to Whitman, as examples to illustrate that although they are born with extraordinary talents, they can still become the founders of human spiritual civilization.But after all, they are only a minority of the minority.Ah Qing, what I want you to understand is that when you find that your fate is different from ordinary people, you have to face it and accept it.Avoidance, resentment, and self-pity won't solve your life's problems.I am not saying that if you accept your fate, your road will be smooth in the future. On the contrary, I want you to know that your road in this life will not be easy, because this society is not designed for you few people, The etiquette, customs, and morality in society are all established for the majority.Therefore, the discrimination, ridicule, and even insult you will encounter in the future can be expected, because ordinary people in society inevitably have a tendency to reject and fear a few dissidents.But after you have accepted your unusual fate and yourself, at least you have maintained your basic dignity as a human being, because you can be honest and work hard to be a human being.Only under the basic condition of being a human being can you hold your head up and stand on the same line with everyone, and all people are born equal. This is the ideal pursued by mankind for centuries, and it is also the goal pursued by the gay rights movement around the world in recent years.Those who participated in the movement were not appealing to the society for sympathy, let alone fighting for privileges, they were just seeking justice from the society: return their basic human dignity.Last week, New York, the city with the largest gay population in the United States, finally passed the anti-gay discrimination law. After 15 years of hard work, this law was finally passed in the city council. Since then, gay people in New York have legal protection , no longer have to fear being discriminated against by residence, work, etc.

In people's emotional life, I think homosexuality and heterosexuality are the same. Who doesn't want to have a long-lasting love in their life and find a lifelong partner? Especially at your sensitive and vulnerable age .Ah Qing, I understand how much you wish to have such a friend who can comfort you when you are lonely, encourage you when you are depressed, and share with you when you are happy.I've heard quite a few gay teens complain that people are fickle and that lasting love is impossible to find.Originally, the feelings of teenagers are like a barometer when the weather turns cloudy and sunny, not to mention the "love that dare not speak out", under the heavy suppression of social etiquette, of course it is even more difficult to bear fruit.Heterosexual couples have social support, family encouragement, and legal protection. After they get married, they will have children and build a home. Of course, the chances of growing old together are much greater. Even so, there are still many grievances in the world. California The divorce rate is as high as 50%.But same-sex couples have nothing to rely on, and the only thing they can rely on is each other's hearts, and people's hearts are only in danger, changing rapidly, and staying together for a lifetime, they have to go through a lot of trials and cultivation before they can achieve true results.Ah Qing, maybe you can do this for a long time. As long as there is a moment in your life, you have devoted yourself to loving someone, and that moment is eternity.There is a certain period in your life, and there is a person who supports each other and weathers the wind and rain with you, then that period is better than a lifetime.Some children become cynical and cynical because they are emotionally hurt. If they don't respect their own feelings, they certainly won't respect others.In the end, they hurt others and themselves, their hearts become dry and premature, and they squander their precious youth at will.Ah Qing, I hope you won’t become like this. Even if your relationship suffers setbacks, don’t forget that as long as you have moved your heart and loved others, your life will be deeper and richer.The greatest sorrow in life is not being broken in love, but not being able to truly love someone.I know for sure that there are some same-sex couples who stay together for life and live happily ever after.Although their examples are relatively few, and they need to redouble their efforts and perseverance.Ah Qing, I hope you will always keep your pure heart, search and search, who knows, maybe one day in the vast crowd, you will suddenly meet your future lifelong partner!

Ah Qing, you take special care of some children younger than you. I know it is because you miss your younger brother who died young. You have found in them some of the dependence you used to have when you were with your younger brother. brotherhood.You have special admiration for certain middle-aged men, it is because you want to seek understanding and sympathy from them that your father failed to give you.You are homesick, and since you were thrown out by your father, your sense of wandering must have grown with each passing day.In fact, you are not alone, Ah Qing, most homosexuals always have a sense of homelessness in their hearts, because in a sense, they are all children exiled by their parents, because few parents will unconditionally Those who accept their homosexual children, when they find out about their children’s sexual orientation, must be angry, panicked, and ashamed, all kinds of reactions: How could such a freak be born in the family? They may still love their children, but they must Will keep the lesbian part out of the house.What gay children need most at that moment is the understanding and acceptance of their parents.Originally, the love-hate relationship between gay children and their parents is relatively strong. Once the conflict surfaced, especially the rift between father and son would suddenly deepen. The father despised the son, and the son resented his father.This family cold war is often protracted and cannot be resolved.In fact, homosexuals, especially gay teenagers, they also need family warmth very much. Some teenagers love middle-aged men because he is looking for fatherly love, and some are with people of the same age because he is looking for brotherhood. Friendship, of course, some middle-aged men fall in love with young children, it is because of his paternal nature, just like Tchaikovsky fell in love with Bob.The family is the most basic social organization of human beings, and the parent-child relationship is the most basic relationship of human beings.The most basic organization of homosexuals is of course the family, but the relationship between father and son and brother is not based on blood, but on emotion.

Ah Qing, maybe you can't go home for the time being because your father is in a rage, after a while, when he calms down, maybe he will start to miss his son.At that time, I think you should go home and comfort your father. The pain and trauma he has suffered these days will never be under your control. You should try to get his understanding. It may not be easy to do, but you You must work hard, because your father's understanding is equivalent to a pardon, which is really important to your future growth.I believe that your father will eventually soften and accept you, because after all, you are the child he loved and made him proud.

I wish you happiness and success.