Chapter 2 sixth finger

——Commemorating the Third Sister Xianming and our childhood Sister Ming finally passed away on October 23 last year. She was suffering from malignant hepatitis. The doctor said that this type of hepatitis only accounts for 2-3% of the cases, and it is extremely difficult to treat.Sister Ming stayed in Chang Gung Hospital for more than a month, and even spent her forty-ninth birthday in the hospital.Forty-nine years old is not considered a very long life in this day and age of medical prosperity. However, Sister Ming was lonely all her life and was still in pain for a few years. To her, forty-nine years old may be considered a long time.After Sister Ming passed away, in the past few months, I often thought of her misfortune in this life, and thinking of her also reminded me of our short childhood together.

Some people say that childhood is hard to forget, but it’s not necessarily so. Half of my childhood was spent fighting with illness and death. The years of illness are not worth remembering. It was the last year in my hometown of Guilin when I was seven years old before I got sick. , some trivial matters, but I remember them very clearly.It was the end of the Anti-Japanese War, the eve of the retreat of Hunan and Guangxi, and the fighting in Guangxi was already tense. My mother sent my brothers and sisters to Chongqing one after another, leaving only sister Ming and me, and my sixth and seventh brothers; Sister Ming is only three years older than me, so we are very close.Although adults are preparing to escape every day, we don't understand, we have a lot of fun together.At that time we lived at the foot of Fengdong Mountain, in the house at the bottom of Dongzhen Road. It was our new home, and we hadn’t moved there for long.Our hometown is in Tiefo Temple, a gloomy old house, in the yard covered with moss, suddenly a half-foot-long gold-edged centipede will crawl out, the gecko on the wall is staring at it, and bats are flying around in the main room.Later, I heard that the old house was not very clean, and my aunt moved in. At night, I saw a man in a white double-breasted jacket standing in front of the window.Just under a big tree in the pond opposite the house, the Japanese air raided, a bomb blew up a plasterer to pieces, and one leg flew into the tree.The only reason we lived in that unlucky old house was to hide from the alarm. The air-raid shelter was nearby, and the Japanese planes often attacked, and we were shocked overnight.Later, when we moved to the foot of Fengdong Mountain, we also had the same consideration. There was a natural cave at the foot of the mountain. When the siren sounded, the whole family rushed into the cave.I wasn't scared, but when I saw two red balls hanging from the top of the Wind Cave—the air-raid signal—I was excited: because I didn't have to go to school again.

The garden of the new home is at the foot of the mountain, full of peonies, peonies, chrysanthemums, and for some reason, a large piece of clumsy celosia.There were chickens raised in the garden, and as soon as I heard the hens singing egg songs, Sister Ming dragged me to the hen shed, took out an egg that was still warm from the coop, made a small hole, and handed it over. Said to me: "Old five, eat quickly." After a few strokes, I sucked an egg clean.Thinking about it now, such a raw egg, with white and yolk, is fishy and slippery. I swallow it somehow, but I suck it with relish. Sister Ming is very happy to see me eating so vigorously, and her face is full of joy.Decades later, one day in Taiwan, when I came home late at night, I saw Sister Ming groping alone in the kitchen, cooking and eating. I went over and saw that she was cooking eggs in sugar water, and she put two into a bowl. , but handed it to me and said: "Old Wu, here is a bowl for you to eat." I am not hungry, and I don't like to eat eggs anymore, but I still took her sugar water eggs, because I really can't bear to blow her a piece of it. kindness.Sister Ming likes to share her happiness with others, no matter who she is with, for the rest of her life, even if her happiness is not much, only a little bit.

We went to the same school, Zhongshan Elementary School, which was quite far from home, and we traveled back and forth by rickshaw.Once when we came back from school, the car went downhill, the driver slipped, and the rickshaw overturned. Sister Ming and I flew out, rolling like two spinning tops. When we were in shock, we opened our eyes and saw books and pencils around us. Ink inkstones had been sprinkled all over the ground a long time ago, and the two of them sat facing each other on the street, looking at each other, probably dumbfounded, not knowing whether to cry or laugh.All of a sudden, Sister Ming started giggling. The laugh was uncontrollable, and she clapped her hands and rubbed her legs. Seeing that Sister Ming was laughing so joyously, I couldn't help laughing, and she was really happy. Knock up a tumor and forget the pain.I will never forget the way Sister Ming sat on the ground, shaking her short hair and smiling.My father called Sister Ming Pingguomei, because she had a round head and face, and she was innocent.In fact, sister Ming has never grown up, and she refuses to grow up. She doesn't want to enter the adult world.Her life is actually just an infinite extension of her innocence, she has always been the little girl sitting on the ground clapping her hands and laughing.

Before long, we fled.Our house at the foot of Fengdong Mountain and the garden full of cockscombs turned into a pile of ashes in an instant, and the entire city of Guilin was burnt to scorched earth.After leaving Guilin and arriving in the gloomy and misty Chongqing, I was isolated from Sister Ming and the others because I had a nasty lung disease, and when my family saw me, they were scared and ran away.At that time, there was no specific medicine, and lung disease could not be afforded.However, the friendship I established with Sister Ming in childhood has always been maintained. Although we are not together, I am very concerned about her news.At that time, Sister Ming and her other brothers and sisters moved to the countryside of Chongqing to go to Xiquan to go to school, also to escape the air raids.Once the driver brought a big pumpkin weighing several tens of catties from Xiwenquan to his parents. Everyone in the family laughed and said: It was planted by the third girl! It turned out that sister Ming grew pumpkins in the countryside of Xiwenquan. She picked up fresh horse manure in the shed, fertilized her pumpkins, and grew a yellow giant.I was also proud of it, thinking that Sister Ming was amazing for conjuring a pumpkin that big like a magic trick.

After the victory of the Anti-Japanese War, we returned to Shanghai. I was exiled to the outskirts of Shanghai alone to recuperate. My only playmates were two little poodles, one white and one black. The white poodle was given to me by my doctor Lin Youquan. I am from Taiwan. There is a three-foot-high red coral tree at home. Dr. Lin takes good care of me and is my friend who forgets years of age during illness.The black poodle was picked up on the road. When it first arrived, it was covered in lice and its hair was torn apart, like a mangy dog.I caught all the lice for it, and made it plump and shiny black curly hair.I was imprisoned in the suburbs of Shanghai for three years, and I never had any real visitors. Only Sister Ming visited me twice, probably secretly.I was overjoyed, so I gave her the black poodle as a gift. Sister Ming called it Mida, and later it became her sweetheart, often sleeping in the same bed with her.Sister Ming loves small animals, and she treats all small lives equally.Once, when we were still living on Songjiang Road in Taiwan, there were often rats in the house——Songjiang Road was considered a paddy field in the outskirts of Taipei City at that time—we caught a big mouse in an iron cage, and the huge one The rat's head and tail are about a foot long, and its tail has lost all its hair. It is fierce, bared its teeth, and has a fierce look in its eyes. It runs back and forth in the cage, and gnaws the iron wire of the cage from time to time, trying to escape for its life.Such an ugly guy is still so tenacious in a cage. My brothers and I immediately became murderous. We ran to the faucet and filled a large bucket of water with a lead bucket, preparing to drown the rat alive. When he came back from carrying water, he found that the door of the iron cage was wide open, and the big rat had already escaped.Sister Ming stood by the cage with a look of unbearable expression, and begged us, "Don't kill him." Sister Ming is really a bodhisattva, she is too kind, and in this murderous world, she is too easy to be hurt.

In the thirty-seventh year of the Republic of China, we started fleeing again, and fled from Shanghai to Hong Kong.At that time, Sister Ming had grown into a slim girl of fifteen or sixteen years old, and I also recovered from my illness, returned to the team, and lived in the room next to Sister Ming.But often I heard Sister Ming crying secretly in a locked room.I was very nervous, but I didn't understand, let alone how to comfort her.I only know that sister Ming is very lonely.At that time, my mother went to Taiwan to follow my father, and my other two older sisters had already arrived in the United States. There was only one girl in the family, Sister Ming, and she was facing the most difficult period of growing up.Sister Ming went to the best schools, including Chinese and Western Girls’ High School in Shanghai, and St. Mary’s College in Hong Kong. They are known for their strict homework requirements. However, Sister Ming is not a gifted and quick student.She has a good level of English, especially good pronunciation, good handwriting, and artistic talent, but she just can't take the exam, so she stayed a grade in St. Mary's.She was naturally introverted and sensitive, and she was tall and tall. Because of her shyness, she didn't have many friends in school, and only Zhuo Yiyu was her only close friend.I remember that day when she received the school notice, she was so anxious that she burst into tears, so I encouraged her to go to the movies and go out to relax.We were watching a film of Gounod's opera Faust and the Devil. "The devil is coming!" Sister Ming whispered in the movie theater. At that moment, she really forgot about the repetition.

Sister Ming went to the United States at the age of seventeen. At that time, the current situation was turbulent, and the other two sisters were already in the United States. Their parents probably thought that they could follow them if they sent Sister Ming.On the eve of leaving for the United States, the brothers took Sister Ming to a farewell dance held by their friends.Sister Ming wore a long pink dress with a blue satin ribbon around her waist and a white shawl.In fact, Sister Ming is very cute, with a pair of phoenix eyes and a small mouth. When she smiles, she is very childish.But she doesn't dress heavily, and acts more cautiously, so she always looks a little shy.But at that banquet, Sister Ming stood out and became very chic. It was the last time I saw Sister Ming so well-dressed, so bright and moving.

During the more than three years when Sister Ming was in the United States, I have never been clear about what happened or what gradually changed.When Zhuo Yiyu met Sister Ming in New York, Sister Ming complained to her (she had already entered Boston University at that time), and she still couldn't keep up with her schoolwork.She gradually retreated, often hiding in the cinema alone, refusing to come out, and finally stopped studying.Many years later, when I returned to Taiwan, I asked Sister Ming if she still wanted to visit the United States.Sister Ming shook her head, sighed and said, "That place is too cold." The winter in Boston probably frightened her.The icy loneliness of the United States is as boundless as the vast land of the New World.Here, the loser has no place to stand.Sister Ming was very unhappy during those years in the United States.

Sister Ming finally returned home in Taiwan in 1955, and was escorted back by one of our cousins.Before returning home, Sister Zhi, who was in the United States, wrote a long letter to her parents, describing the process of Sister Ming's illness and treatment, probably because she was afraid that her parents would be anxious, so she said it more tactfully.I remember that it was a winter, the wind was cold, and our whole family arrived at Songshan Airport, waiting anxiously.When Sister Ming stepped out of the plane, we were shocked. Her whole body was transformed, and her body doubled. head.Her skin changed, too, becoming rough and sallow, her eyes glazed over, and she laughed for no reason.Sister Ming's condition is far more serious than we imagined. She suffers from a medical term that our whole family is unwilling, unbearable, fearful, and taboo to mention—schizophrenia.When she first returned to Taiwan, she had hallucinations and heard someone talking to her.The sister-in-law told us that sister Ming ate too much in the United States and doubled her weight. She cut her hair with scissors, so she had to cut her long hair short.

Sister Ming's illness is an irreparable regret for our family, a common hidden pain, and a collective guilt.Her misfortune brought the heaviest blow to her parents in their later years.Parents have lived in the country and at home all their lives, and they have experienced many turbulent waves, great winds and great dangers. Their courage and confidence to overcome all difficulties in the face of danger, sometimes reach astonishing levels. In times of calamity, the two strong men were helpless.There are ten siblings in my family. When we were young, my father galloped on the battlefield, and the days at home were short. The responsibility of raising children was entirely on the shoulders of my mother.The happiness of her children is the primary goal of her life. In those turbulent and shocking years, we were able to grow up one by one under the protection of our mother.Sometimes the mother couldn't help but rejoice, and sighed: "I finally brought you up." In the sigh, there is also a sense of relief that the mission has been completed.Unexpectedly, stepping into the evening scene, there will be a thunderbolt from the blue sky, and sister Ming will return, completely changed.At the Songshan Airport that day, I saw my mother's face suddenly changed, and my shock and pain may have reached an unbearable level.Open-minded like a mother by nature, she couldn't let go of Sister Ming's illness.I remember that one year after Sister Ming returned, her mother's temples suddenly had stars and white hair. In her sorrow, she blamed herself deeply, always thinking that Sister Ming did not give her the maternal love she deserved when she was young.However, being the mother of ten of us is not easy.In terms of material distribution, my mother has tried to be fair, but this is no longer an easy task. To distribute fruit, one orange per person is ten, and how can the size of the ten oranges be exactly the same.As for the distribution of maternal love, it is even more difficult to weigh.However, children's yearning for mother's love when they are young is so greedy and insatiable, exclusive and exclusive.The emotions between parents and children are sometimes completely irrational.When French writer Proust was a child, once his mother forgot to kiss him before going to bed. Proust was so sad that he thought he was abandoned by his mother, and he kept it in his heart all his life. He often mentioned it when he was an adult. The "trauma" of his childhood. Sister Ming is the most tolerant of the ten of us, squeezed between us, she is destined to suffer in this battle for maternal love.Sister Ming is the youngest daughter, but she is the sixth in line.After giving birth to the fifth child, the mother hoped not to have another child, so the third brother's nickname was "Manzi", the last one.However, Sister Ming was an uninvited guest again, and brought her four younger brothers.The mother's fatigue doubled and doubled, and later she became sickly in her later years, which was also caused by too many births.Sister Ming is indeed not the mother's favorite child, the mother's love for her daughter has been given to two elder sisters with outstanding talents long before Sister Ming was born.Sister Ming and mother have different personalities. Mother is enthusiastic, forthright, strong and confident, while Sister Ming is shy and introverted and doesn't talk much, so it is not easy for mother and daughter to get close.But in my memory, my mother has never spoken harshly to sister Ming, and the two older sisters also love the younger sister very much. However, sister Ming is hidden in the shadow of three outstanding women in the family. Their light must be a blessing to her. In view of this great threat, she quietly retreated to a corner of the family, playing the role of a good child who has nothing to contend with.The pain, fear, loneliness and hesitation in her heart, the mother will not know or notice.Sister Ming hid it well, but under her shy surface, there was a wounded but inviolable self-esteem.I was the only one in the room next to her, and sometimes I could faintly hear her weeping alone in the middle of the night.It was an era of war and chaos. The mother had to plan for the safe livelihood of the Baima family of dozens of people all day long. She was unable to take care of her daughter's tears and crying.After a few years, my mother realized the big mistake she had made unintentionally, and it was too late to make up for it.After Sister Ming returned home from illness, her mother did everything possible to pity her, get close to her, and redouble her compensation for the maternal warmth that was delayed by more than ten or twenty years.But the wounds of the soul in childhood are sometimes incurable.The threats and fears that Ms. Ming felt when she was a child still exist. The more anxious her mother was to show her love, the more she panicked and tried to avoid it. She didn't know how to accept the affection she had longed for but never got.The two of them seemed to be standing on both sides of a chasm. The mother stretched out her hand desperately, but she couldn't reach the daughter on the other side.Mother's sorrow and remorse are increasing day by day.One day when my parents were in the room, I heard my father comforting her in every possible way. My mother sighed sadly: "When I was young, I neglected her. That girl, I remembered it all in my heart." Then she choked up: "In the future, I will Leave everything to her." Because of Sister Ming's illness, I later read a lot of books about mental illness and psychotherapy.If I hadn't chosen literature back then, maybe I would have studied human psychology. In that secluded area, I don't know if I would have discovered some human secrets.However, the more I read the books on psychologists and medical cases, the more confused I become. They stick to their own opinions, and I really don't know who to trust.People's hearts are dangerous and ever-changing. Human beings have gone to space and conquered the moon, but they still cannot enter their own square inch of land.Our whole family once discussed Sister Ming’s cause: She was not taken seriously when she was a child, she failed to adapt to the environment in the United States, and her physiology changed—she has always suffered from endocrine imbalance.Congenital, acquired, heredity, environment, we have also consulted medical experts, these factors may or may not be related.Maybe Sister Ming didn't like this adult world full of hypocrisy, evil, and fierce competition. In a rage, she walked away and returned to her own childlike world.After Sister Ming got sick, she completely recovered her innocence as a child.She laughed when she had to, whether it was the right occasion or not.When the weather is hot, she scoops up her skirt and sits on the stone steps of the patio to enjoy the cool air. Our old housekeeper, Grandma Luo—who has been in our house for more than fifty years—runs after Sister Ming in a hurry. She shouted: "Miss San, your thighs are exposed!" Sister Ming became more dispositional, and she didn't care about many mundane trivialities, so she simply threw herself out and ate heartily.Sister Ming has become a gourmet, and she must eat Huzhou rice dumplings, and she must specify the one behind the Star Theater.At first we were worried that she would become too fat, so we didn't let her eat more. Later, seeing her eat so hard, I really couldn't bear to deprive her of that little satisfaction. What does it matter if she is a little fatter? Back to Taiwan, sister Ming She has also become a standard movie fan. She only watches martial arts movies and horror movies. She refuses to watch literary movies. She disdains those crying things.Seeing the wonderful performance, she cheered loudly in the theater, and the neighbors on the left and right looked sideways at it, but she ignored it.She really enjoys watching martial arts movies. No matter what kind of movie it is, she will definitely praise it when she gets home: "It's good! It's good!" Sister Ming had just returned to Taiwan, and her condition was not optimistic. She was hospitalized in National Taiwan University Hospital, where she received psychiatric treatment, factor injections, and electrotherapy, and suffered a lot.The psychiatric hospital at National Taiwan University is a very unhappy cuckoo's nest. Many of the patients in it are much more serious than Sister Ming; there is a woman who has been writhing eagerly and dancing non-stop, looking very painful.They were all wearing green robes, swinging around aimlessly, or sitting in a corner in a daze, as if they had lost their souls.The nurse also changed Sister Ming into a rough and dull green cloth gown, and locked Sister Ming inside the iron gate, locked together with the group of unfortunate people who have been forgotten by the world.When I walked out of the National Taiwan University Hospital that day, I was so sad that I wanted to cry. I felt that Sister Ming did not belong to that miserable world. She was like an innocent little girl who lost her way and was suddenly captured by a group of strange aliens.I have seen an American film called "Snake's Lair", starring Olivia Havran, for which she won an Academy Award.She plays a schizophrenic who is imprisoned in a lunatic asylum. All kinds of horrific and tragic scenes in the lunatic asylum are on camera. The film is shot realistically, and some scenes are really thrilling and touching.The last scene is a long shot, condescending bird's-eye view of the panorama of the lunatic ward, hundreds of mentally ill patients stretched out their helpless arms, thousands of swinging arms are like a nest of snakes.When I saw Oliver Havran locked in the "snake lair" in panic, I couldn't help thinking that when Sister Ming was admitted to the hospital that day, she must have been very scared. After Sister Ming was discharged from the hospital, she returned home to recuperate. Fortunately, her condition has improved year by year. The doctor said that it is impossible to fully recover, and it is fortunate that it does not deteriorate.At home, Sister Ming received extra love from her parents and siblings, and relatives also loved her very much.After her parents passed away, they often came to accompany her. Even her parents' former subordinates were very kind to Sister Ming. They often came back to our house and brought some food to Sister Ming.The reason why relatives and old relatives treat sister Ming so kindly is not entirely out of pity, but because sister Ming's pure heart has always had a contagious power, and being with her makes people feel that there are indeed still people in the world. Some people, their kindness is completely natural.Father once said that there is not a single bad word in Sister Ming's dictionary.Indeed, when she treats people, no matter who they are, she always thinks of others first, and she is happy when she opens a can of fruit and everyone gets a share. , Sit in rows and eat fruits and share the fun with everyone.Over the years, Da Guimei, Xiao Guimei, and Sister-in-law Yu who have accompanied her—Sister Ming calls her "Auntie Fat"—have all become her friends. She treats them well and goes out to buy two hand towels. Will give them one.They also love her from the bottom of their hearts. Da Guimei has been married for many years, and will come back to pick up Sister Ming to her Keelung home to treat her to squid soup.My father once had an old guard, Lao Luo, who also left our house for many years. He had a daughter, Sister Luo, who had no mother since she was a child. Sister Ming loved this girl very much. In her room, Sister Ming treats her as if she is her own, pampering her in every possible way.Sister Ming has lost the right to be a mother in her life, and her motherhood has been devoted to that girl.Sister Luo is also full of admiration for Sister Ming, and she is very fond of her.Every year on Sister Ming’s birthday, our relatives, old relatives and old family members will come back to celebrate Sister Ming’s birthday. They will buy cakes, flowers, and various snacks that Sister Ming likes to make birthday gifts for Sister Ming.Sister Ming would also put on a new cheongsam that day, dress up, and go to receive her guests.She likes to celebrate her birthday, and she likes people to give her things, although in the end the cakes and food will be packed in small bags and still let the guests take away.Sister Ming's birthday has gradually become a tradition in our family.Parents are gone, relatives, old relatives and old family members who are scattered around will take advantage of this day to come back to our house to get together, to have fun for Sister Ming, and to reminisce about the old days together.After the age of forty, Sister Ming began to be afraid of getting old. When asked her age, she laughed and didn't answer, and sometimes she would hide two or three years old.In fact, Sister Ming's age has already stopped, and time has nothing to do with her.On her birthday, the happiest thing was to take Sister Luo and several other her children out, invite them to watch a martial arts movie, and be caught in the middle of a group of happy teenage girls, and she also became one of them , and possibly the most childish one. However, Sister Ming's life was very lonely after all. She returned to Taiwan for more than 20 years, and she still spent most of the time alone.I saw her in the room, sitting alone under the window, bowing her head, knitting the upholstery of her chair stitch by stitch, as if she was knitting her endless monotonous years into the chair stitch by stitch. It's like it's on the mat.Sometimes I can't help thinking that if Sister Ming hadn't been ill, as a kind-hearted person like her, she would have met someone who cared for her and would be her lifelong partner.Sister Ming will be a good wife. She likes to do housework, and she loves to be clean to the point of cleanliness.Granny Luo washed the cooking utensils in the kitchen once, but she was still worried, so she always had to cook and polish the spatulas one by one with cleaning powder.She is also very considerate of her family. Half of her monthly pocket money is spent on daily household items such as soap powder and dish towels, and she treats herself too frugally. The new clothes I buy for her are always reluctant to hang them in the closet Wearing it, wearing it around is still a few homely clothes.The other nine siblings bought her everything from TVs, air conditioners, jewelry, to clothing accessories. This is probably a way for the few of us to make amends.However, Sister Ming doesn't have extravagant demands on material comforts, as long as she turns on the TV at night and has a series to watch, she will feel quite satisfied.Of course, Sister Ming will also be a good mother and love her children as much as she loves the younger sister of the Luo family. After Sister Ming got sick, the friendship we established in childhood was not affected. She still remembered very clearly when she was a child. Once she suddenly mentioned the little black poodle that I gave her when I was a child, Mida, And very excited.In our house on Dunhua South Road, in the bedroom of Sister Ming, she has a toy zoo on the table: a baby hen made of shells, a pair of marble penguins, a small wooden mouse—these are from Kenting, Hualien, etc. , and Sun Moon Lake brought back to her, a pair of stone lions was given by the eldest brother, and the other porcelain bird was given by the second brother.Sister Ming’s most precious thing is a set of six funny bears made of glass that I brought back to her from the United States. She wrapped each of these funny bears in cotton and put them in an iron box, and refused to take them out for display. For fear of being damaged.Once when I went back to Taiwan, I brought a box of twelve fine gauze handkerchiefs to Sister Ming. Each handkerchief had a poodle printed on it, and the twelve were different. Sister Ming was so happy that she spread the handkerchiefs on the bed and clapped her hands. hehe laugh.Every time I go back to Taiwan, Sister Ming is happy.In the first few days, she started to prepare, cleaned my house, and Granny Luo took down the curtains and washed them clean. Granny Luo said that Sister Ming climbed onto the chair to unload them herself.She was afraid that I didn't bring any toiletries, so she went to the department store early to buy face towels, toothpaste, soap and other things for me - Sister Ming will be able to go shopping by herself in the next few years, and that has become her pastime one of the ways.Most of the time, she just went to the department store for a walk, fumbling around, sometimes spending three or four hours, and returning empty-handed, because she was reluctant to spend money.She was willing to pay for the toothpaste and soap for me, and Granny Luo said that it was a great honor for me.In fact, I never use a face towel to wash my face, and I am used to a certain brand of toothpaste.But sister Ming couldn't use the toothpaste she bought, because she would inquire about it, and when she saw that the toothpaste she bought hadn't been opened, she was quite displeased and said, "I bought it for you and you don't use it!" However, every time I return to Taiwan, I don’t spend much time with Sister Ming, because there are too many friends in Taiwan, and the activities are frequent; sometimes I go out all day and come home late at night. But often only Sister Ming has not gone to bed, she is sitting alone in the room, facing the lonely lamp.I walked past her room and caught a glimpse of her lonely figure, and I couldn't help but feel a sinking heart. The busy entertainment during the day suddenly became illusory.My sister Ming couldn't share the slightest bit of happiness, and my happiness couldn't save her misfortune. I passed her door, almost tiptoeing past, and an unnecessary sense of guilt made my happiness incomplete.Sometimes I would bring a box of Shuncheng's pastries or Caizhizhai's dim sum home for Sister Ming's midnight snack, but that would only lighten the burden on my heart a little.Seeing sister Ming's life wasted in the long years, I felt sorry for her, but there was nothing I could do. Last year, I returned to Taiwan to produce the stage play "A Dream in the Garden" and lived on the island for half a year. It was the longest stay in Taiwan since I went to the United States. " started construction, I was so busy that I couldn't help myself, and I ran outside; occasionally I also had dinner at home, and after dinner, I went to Sister Ming's room to share with her the happiest moment of her day: watching TV series.Sister Ming is a complete "Xiangshuai" fan. She remembers every episode of "Chu Liuxiang" clearly and in detail. There are a few episodes I missed, and she fills them up for me. And the scene of Monk Wuhua's fighting skills was told to me, and he explained it clearly and logically.Even though watching TV has thousands of harms, I still want to thank the person who invented TV. TV has indeed brought a lot of fun to Sister Ming's dull life.Every night, Sister Ming would go from seven or eight o'clock to eleven o'clock until the news was finished.If there is no TV, I can't imagine how Sister Ming could survive the long nights in those years.During the day, Sister Ming followed Granny Luo to do housework, from tidying up the room to doing laundry and sweeping the floor.In the evening, the two of them went to sister Ming's room to watch TV together. Ming sister was engrossed in watching TV, while Granny Luo sat beside her and fell asleep long ago.The year before last, Grandma Luo suffered from pneumonia and was in the hospital. She was unconscious for more than ten days. We all thought her time had come, but we didn't expect that she woke up miraculously and recovered.Granny Luo said that she met her parents in a coma, and she thought it was her parents who ordered her to return to the underworld, because her mission has not been completed and she still has to take care of the third girl.We often secretly worry that if Granny Luo is gone, who will accompany Sister Ming? Once I talked to Sister Zhi that Sister Ming is in good health and may live longer than the rest of us. The longer you live, the more pitiful you are, and there is no one to take care of you in your old age.Unexpectedly, our worries were superfluous, Sister Ming didn't seem to want to drag anyone down, she quietly left first among our ten siblings. In mid-July, one day, I suddenly noticed that the whites of Sister Ming's eyes were turning yellow.I had hepatitis myself, and knowing it was a symptom of hepatitis, I immediately sent her to the central clinic and was hospitalized the same day.However, we still took it too lightly, thinking that what sister Ming contracted was just ordinary hepatitis B, and she would recover after being hospitalized.Those few days when "A Dream in the Garden" was being rehearsed in full swing, I was unable to visit Sister Ming every day, and my sister-in-law and sixth brother took care of her. The doctors at the central clinic did not realize that Sister Ming's condition was serious, and she was hospitalized for a week. Let sister Ming go home to recuperate.On the afternoon of the day I was discharged from the hospital, I met Sister Ming walking home alone at the entrance of the alley, and I was shocked, so I hurried up and asked her, "Miss San, why did you run out?" Sister Ming held a small purse in her hand and pointed The hair said with a smile: "I went to wash my hair and cut it short." Her hair was cut short to the ears, trimmed thinly, like a schoolgirl.Sister Ming loves cleanliness. She lay in the hospital for a week and was very impatient. When she was discharged from the hospital, she sneaked out to wash her hair by herself. people.Sister Ming went home to recuperate, but nothing improved, and her condition became more and more serious. Although she went to the central clinic for injections every day and frequent outpatient consultations, nothing worked.Later, because the sixth brother knew the director Zhang of Chang Gung Hospital, we transferred Sister Ming to Chang Gung Hospital for a trial, and Dr. Liao, a hepatobiliary specialist, took care of her.Sister Ming lived in Chang Gung, and the test results came out on the third day. I was a guest at an elder’s home that night when I suddenly received a call from my sixth brother.I rushed to Linkou overnight, and my sixth brother also rushed there. The doctor told us that sister Ming's hepatitis was neither type B nor type A, and it was a rare case.What about the chance of a cure? We asked, but the doctor refused to talk about it. When I got home that night, I felt very heavy and couldn't sleep all night. The house on Dunhua South Road was originally set up for sister Ming, but she was seriously ill and was admitted to the hospital.At that time, the performance of "A Dream in the Garden" was a success, and the grand occasion was unprecedented. I was intoxicated in the joy of my victory, drinking and celebrating with my friends every day.The almost fanatical excitement disappeared overnight like a revelation, and I also felt guilty. I was only busy with acting, and sister Ming was ill, so I couldn't take good care of it.Originally, I reserved two good tickets for Sister Ming and Granny Luo, but Sister Ming couldn't go because she never saw my play.If she watched "A Dream in the Garden", I think she will also applaud.At that time, my school in the United States was about to start, and I had to rush back to teach. However, Sister Ming’s illness was unknown, and I was really worried, so I asked the school for a week’s leave, and then called Sister Zhi in Hong Kong.Sister Zhi rushed to Taiwan immediately. After getting off the plane, she went straight to Linkou Chang Gung Hospital to visit Sister Ming.Sister Zhi is kind-hearted, and she is the elder sister. She is extremely sympathetic to the misfortune of this little girl, Sister Ming.I remember one time when Sister Zhi returned from Hong Kong to visit relatives in Taiwan, Sister Ming gave up her room to Sister Zhi to sleep in—she has always respected and loved Sister Zhi—and went to the street to buy a bouquet of flowers to put in the room. In the vase, she pointed at the flowers and said to Sister Zhi in a low voice, "Sister, do you like the flowers I bought for you?" Sister Zhi burst into tears, and hugged Sister Ming into her arms .During those few days, my elder sister, elder brother, sixth younger brother, and seventh younger brother in Taiwan took turns to visit the sick every day, like a cheerleading squad, cheering for sister Ming and hoping that she would get through the crisis.Sister Ming was very brave, and she suffered a lot during her illness. She kept silent and was on a round-the-clock drip. On the hospital bed, he looked awe-inspiring and inviolable.她四十九岁生日那天，亲戚朋友、父母亲的老部下、老家人还是回到了我家来，替三姑娘庆生，维持住多年来的一个老传统，家里仍旧堆满了蛋糕与鲜花。大家尽量热闹，只当明姐仍旧在家中一般。那天我也特别到街口顺成西点铺去订了一个大蛋糕，那是明姐平日最喜爱的一种，拿到医院去送给她。我们手足个人又去买了生日礼物，大家都费了一番心机，想出一些明姐喜爱的东西。我记得明姐去忠孝东路逛百货公司时，喜欢到一家商场去玩弄一些景泰蓝的垂饰，我选了几件，一件上面镂着一只白象，一件是一只白鹤，大概这两种鸟兽是长寿的象征，下意识里便选中了。这倒选对了，明姐看到笑道：“我早想买了，可惜太贵。”其实是只值几百块钱的东西。智姐和七弟都买了各式的香皂——这又是她喜爱的玩意儿，那些香皂有的做成玫瑰花，有的做成苹果，明姐也爱得不忍释手。同去医院的还有父亲的老秘书杨秘书、表嫂、堂姐等人。明姐很乐，吃了蛋糕，在床上玩弄她的礼物，一直笑呵呵。那是她最后一个生日，不过那天她的确过得很开心。 我离开台湾，并没有告诉明姐，实在硬不起心肠向她辞行。我心里明白，那可能是最后一次跟她相聚了。回到美国，台北来的电话都是坏消息，明姐一天天病危，长庚医院尽了最大的努力救治，仍然乏术回天。十月二十三号噩耗传来，我其实心理早已有了准备，然而仍旧悲不自胜，我悲痛明姐的早逝，更悲痛她一生的不幸。她以童贞之身来，童贞之身去，在这个世上孤独的度过了四十九个年头。智姐说，出殡那天，明姐的朋友们都到了，亲戚中连晚辈也都到齐。今年二月中我有香港之行，到台湾停留了三天。我到明姐墓上，坟墓已经砌好，离父母的墓很近。二十年来，这是我头一次在岛内过旧历年，大年夜能够在家中吃一次团圆饭，但是总觉得气氛不对，大家强颜欢笑，却有一股说不出的萧瑟。明姐不在了，家中最哀伤的有两个人，六弟和罗婆婆。六弟一直在台湾，跟明姐两人可谓相依为命。罗婆婆整个人愣住了，好像她生命的目标突然失去了一般，她吃了晚饭仍旧一个人到明姐房中去看电视，一面看一面打瞌睡。 我把明姐逝世的消息告诉她学生时代唯一的好友卓以玉。卓以玉吓了一跳，她记得八○年她回台湾开画展，明姐还去参观，并且买了一只小花篮送给她。卓以玉写了一篇文章纪念明姐，追忆她们在上海中西女中时的学生生涯。卓以玉说，明姐可以说是善良的化身。她写了一首诗，是给明姐的，写我们一家十个手足写得很贴切，我录了下来： 十只指儿 ——怀先明大哥会飞常高翔 二姐能唱音韵扬 And you 你有那菩萨心肠 最善良最善良 大姐秀俊又端庄 二哥三哥名禄交游广 And you 你有那菩萨心肠 最善良最善良 四弟工程魁异邦 五弟文墨世世传 And you 你有那菩萨心肠 最善良最善良 六弟忠厚七弟精 爸妈心头手一双 十只指儿有短长 疼你那 菩萨心肠 最善良最善良 明姐弥留的时刻，大嫂及六弟都在场。他们说明姐在昏迷中，突然不停的叫起“妈妈”来，母亲过世二十年，明姐从来没有提起过她。是不是在她跟死神搏斗最危急的一刻，她对母爱最原始的渴求又复苏了，向母亲求援?他们又说明姐也叫“路太远——好冷——”或者母亲真的来迎接明姐，到她那边去了，趁着我们其他九个人还没有过去的时候，母亲可以有机会补偿起来，她在世时对明姐没有给够的母爱。