Chapter 2 Myself

I think that the so-called "real life" is not clear what it refers to. In fact, there are so many things happening to a person at any time, and each of them is real.For example: a person is walking on the street, his legs feel a little sore, but he is thinking about the meal he ate last night, and he sees the products in the shop window in his eyes. Which one of these things is more real? For this topic, I really don't know what to say for a while. In fact, for me, those important things in life I have written all the things in the novel, what is left? What time do I get up every day, what do I eat, where do I usually go shopping, what books do I buy, what records do I listen to, what movies do I watch, what do I like to wear What kind of clothes, what kind of hair style, what posture to adopt when sleeping, how to deal with unpleasant things, what to say when you see friends, who you don’t like, are these important? Or, for me , does it have value? I don't think so.

Anyway, I find it disheartening to talk about things I don't think I have any value for, and that's the kind of nonsense that comes in handy when friends get together because they're so commonplace that there's nothing to talk about. It is easy to find common ground and use it to deepen the atmosphere of identification in the conversation. As we all know, gathering with people is not for quarrels, but for rest and entertainment. But, here, I have to point out that that kind of conversation is empty , without any intellectual element in it.To pass the time together, distracted, talking or listening to nonsense that comes out without thinking, is not, I think, conversation, but a stupid leisure that requires no labor.In this leisure activity, the most unique thing about being a human being--thought, is of no use, and only the human instinct of speech can be used.

I like another kind of conversation. For example, several friends have read several valuable books, and we get together to talk about those books.In this way, at least the wings of those who have brains can be plugged in to fly, so that there is room for personal thinking. Through those valuable topics, people can develop their own views and understandings, and even the most stupid people can talk about it. His own feelings, and those feelings that are not kept together will one day become a certain rule in his life.However, if you haven't been sent to a mental hospital, then, for more people, the above conversation is almost an academic exercise. That "as far as you can be elegant" sort of peasant point of view that I hate.

So, here, I can only say things that irritate me, because this is a newspaper.People flip through a page of a newspaper, find something to read in it, and if they read something like "You're a fool, your life is meaningless, what's the point of living? You're dead." There is no one who is not angry.I don't want to make people angry, whether it's angry with those words or angry with myself, in short, I think I should write something that makes them happy. So, what can make them happy? It's nothing more than saying "Hey, reader, you are doing well. At least you are worse than me. I am not as good as you. Here is a product that suits your shrewd taste. You buy it. Here's one of my bad times, look, you didn't have it? Look, I broke down, one of my girlfriends dumped me, and you don't have to worry about it because you're fine, you're in shape good".

This kind of thing, I say it really effortlessly, but it's really boring. Why? Because it's all nonsense.However, according to the logic of the masses, there is always a reason for nonsense, so why are so many people willing to listen to it? According to this logic, I have to say that my real life is miserable. I read and write books every day when I wake up , holding a ten-dollar calculator to count my income and expenditure, at this moment, I still feel a sense of grief and indignation in my heart, making money is so difficult, so difficult! Either go shopping, comfort myself and say, first Store this expensive commodity here, and when I have money one day--if my friends are bored, I will gather together to eat, talk nonsense, and express my feelings by the way, friends are really indispensable! The happiest The thing is to find a woman who is pleasing to the eye to commit adultery after eating, and then look at each other, smile smugly, feel the beauty and comfort of life together, and even better look forward to the future and think about the next time! However, I I have to complain a few words, there are too few such things! How wonderful it would be if it was like this every day!

Apart from these, what else is left in my real life? I can't think of it. If I have to insist on it, I can continue to talk about it. It is the anger and helplessness towards life. This is a continuous state. Its The content is: If, as some people say, life is worthwhile, encouraging, and in short, beautiful, then why do people die? If the opposite is said, life is hateful, terrible, Painful, so why is everyone struggling to live? If life is neither good nor ugly, but is woven through endless details, then where does the meaning of these details come from? In life, individuals are usually in the midst of emotions, people are controlled by their emotions, and emotions seem to be uninvited strange guests, which judge everything in life anytime and anywhere, so that People feel uncomfortable or comfortable, and people run around for their emotions, like leaves unfurling to the sun, like beasts pouncing on their prey.In my eyes, the truth of emotion is worth the truth of all external things. You can not believe in your partner or friends, but you can't help but believe in your emotions. Emotions always tell the truth to yourself and try to make yourself Obedience makes people work hard for a better state.People worry about the gratification that is delayed in expectation, and their enthusiasm is doubled for the success that comes. Human emotions always understand one thing, that is, no matter what, people must make themselves satisfied with themselves. It's nothing.In my eyes, it seems that behind the real life, there is a hidden force that arranges everything, making individuals move towards a goal that is neither clear nor clear.The nasty thing about this situation is that you don't know what you're doing, where, or what it means, and I've had it bother me a lot in my life.Apart from reading and writing, I still cannot eliminate my anxiety and doubts.I know, what I eat today, I will eat again tomorrow.I also know that I fall asleep and wake up just to last until the day I don't wake up again.Everything is so repetitive and cumbersome. I am happy for a certain specific matter, and then worry about another specific matter with the same enthusiasm. However, why is all this? It can be said that my life Corrupted by this kind of suspicion, but I don't think I will be reconciled to not getting an answer to a question like this.

I dated three girlfriends in a row in 2002, but they all failed. I was so angry that I also suffered from depression, and my mood was extremely bad.Eight hours of sleep can be divided into four parts, in the middle of which are sweating profusely waking up from nightmares, which are too bad to recall.Of course, after waking up, the situation was even worse. My heart felt like a huge rock was pressed, my emotions were unstable, and I felt extremely inferior, and my mind was always turning about the matter with these three girlfriends.Suddenly uncomfortable and suddenly angry, uncontrollable, it is a kind of automatic rotation, and it does not stop at all.Exercising, meeting friends, going to the playground to relax, no matter what method is used.I've been like this for two months, and I've been on drugs like Prozac that don't matter, and I've been tossing around like this, and I can't get back to normal, I

It's finally gone, so be it. Because there are only three girls in my mind, so I am also at ease. To sum it up, it is all self-denial.Self-denial made me miserable, and it made me see how selfish and intolerant I was, but also how hard it was to get along with girls.The main reason I didn't get on well with the first girlfriend was that I had a dark lower class feeling that everyone should go to work, and the girl was from a decent family and had a serious lack of interest in work.She ate at home when she was at home, and ate at my place when she was with me, and she preferred to be with me, so I felt like I was constantly consuming.To get rid of her, I found a second girlfriend.The second girlfriend bought a house not long after she met me.In fact, she was a little bit beyond her power, seeing that as a boyfriend, I had to do my best, so she ran away halfway and found a third girlfriend.The third one, who has just graduated from university and is busy looking for money to go abroad, treats me well, but always likes to go out alone and associate with rich people.Seeing her find the rent for a while, have a short-sighted eye surgery for a while, and get a laptop for a while, I feel jealous and depressed, so the relationship is over.The common feature of the three girls is that they are pretty. The reason why I failed to get along with them is that I am unable or unwilling to satisfy all their desires, which is also the reason for my pain.

I can't say that I don't need them, I think I can't deal with them, between me and these three girls, apart from love, there is something that makes me blush to say it, and that is money.I have to say that between love and money, it is obvious that money has the upper hand. This is what I discovered this year, so that I almost formed a prejudice, that is, to associate a girl's beauty with money .This hook is very uncomfortable for me to hang, but it is a fact that I have encountered.This fact changed my relationship with the girls, made us both feel embarrassed and unhappy, and forced me to think that if I didn't have enough money, then I could only have an ordinary girlfriend.If I have enough money and am willing to spend it on a girlfriend, then I can have a good-looking girlfriend.According to my experience, the conclusion is that what kind of girlfriend I want to have is not important, what matters is how much money I want or can have.

What annoys me is that I don't live up to myself and judge people by their appearance, but the other party counterattacks by taking people by money.All I can say is that in our day and age, the culturally established link between money and beauty is so strong that it is far from being dismantled by individual power, so what else? Seems like it would make more sense to seek truth from plain girls , maybe I'll give it a try and see if I can get along better with such a girl. There are so few heart-pounding moments in everyday life that I am inclined to think that life, on the whole, is uneventful, unchanging, dull, and unworthy of mention.

However there are always exceptions. I went to pay the road maintenance fee at the end of September, because it was the last day, the hall was full of people, people lined up in two groups, moving forward slowly I waited in line for 20 minutes, and the two teams stopped moving. There was a commotion at the front window because of something, and people behind stretched their necks to look forward.I kept looking at my watch because I had other things to do, and I felt very anxious. I wanted to leave first and come back later, but I thought that if I paid late, I would have to accept a fine, and I had to go to the bank to pay the fine. , I still have to come back here and pay the road maintenance fee again. I have experienced this matter before, so let’s not mention the troublesomeness, so I feel even more anxious. The quarrel in front was getting louder and louder, but the team was still motionless. Standing in front of me was a young man wearing glasses. He told me to go ahead and have a look, and he was still standing in front of me when he came back. I nodded, he's gone.Maybe watching people fight up close will make the time go faster.I waited for a while, and couldn't hold back anymore. The previous curse words reached my ears, which were fancy and varied.And there was a shrill female voice among them, which made people want to see what this person looked like, and who did he learn to swear from? Why did he swear so badly and colorfully? The front line has long since disappeared, and the surrounding Formed into a small solid circle, like a dead knot, the two teams are like two pigtails pulled out from the back of one head, which is ridiculous. I made up my mind to go ahead and have a look. So I turned around and wanted to say hello to the people behind me.I turned around and saw a little girl, very short, wearing a summer dress, her hair was neatly combed, and she was reading with a book in her hand.It is not a magazine, not a newspaper, nor a practical guide, nor is it a book that teaches people how to make money, but a thick novel.I glanced at it, and it was written by the Japanese writer Haruki Murakami. She read it very attentively, with a serene demeanor, and was indifferent to what happened outside, as if it had nothing to do with her. I suspect that she didn't even know the chaos ahead. up. Seeing this scene, I was heartbroken. I hesitated to speak, and finally turned around, fearing to disturb her reading.Looking around, I found that there were hundreds of people queuing up in the hall, and except for the girl behind her, no one had a book in their hands, not even a newspaper.Everyone stood there with empty hands, and probably their minds were equally empty. Some people were in a daze, some were carrying or holding bags, and some were talking and discussing something with other people.Everyone looked helpless and numb.They are really amazing, living in this world and turning a blind eye to this world, they stand and wait as if they are enduring something, it is sympathetic, but it makes people feel speechless. This is a period of boring and irritable time, infected by the environment, people's mood will become very bad.Everyone has to go through this moment because it involves everyone except her, the girl behind me.She is a survivor, and she lives in an imaginary world. During this unrepeatable period of her life, she lives in Haruki Murakami's novels, and is deeply attracted by the stories and characters in the book.This is an amazing reader. She and the author cooperate tacitly to resist all kinds of unsatisfactory things in this world and create a life different from ordinary life. What else can I say? I am relieved. The quarreling in front stopped, the team moved forward again slowly, and the young man in front of me also returned to the team, with a satisfied expression on his face, as if telling others, "I have seen this fight, the scene version!" I didn't look back, and waited until I paid the fee at the window, then turned and left, and when I left, I glanced at the girl again, and saw that she was holding a book in one hand, and was rummaging through her travel book and wallet in her bag with the other. When I got home, I made a cup of tea and found the book from the scattered pile of books. I had bought this book for several months, but I hadn't opened a page. Everyone likes to encounter romantic things from beginning to end, although everyone can't encounter such things, things are generally divided into beginning, middle and end.For romance, the middle and the end are difficult, but the beginning is sometimes not as difficult as imagined. I can still remember how Chocolate with short hair sat next to me on the night of December 29, 2002.It was on the dance floor of New 88, where the music was blaring and the lights were dark.I was sitting on the sofa, she was wearing a short skirt, with short hair, determined to take a handsome guy back to celebrate the New Year before the New Year's Eve, to forget the unhappiness left by her Thai lover after leaving .According to her afterwards, unfortunately, due to drinking too much, she missed the opportunity, and when she woke up from the sofa in a daze, there were no handsome guys in the ballroom.So, she put her gaze on my face, and decided to break the can and said: If you can't accept the handsome ones, can't you accept the unhandsome ones? She walked over straight like a little zombie, and sat straight beside me again. After a while, she opened her mouth a few times, and closed it again because she had nothing to say.Finally, she stretched out her head and dryly invited me: "Let's smoke together." I handed her a cigarette, and together we tried to keep our eyes open, watching the writhing people on the dance floor, and I lit my cigarette, and hers.She brought her face closer, and in the dim light of the lighter, I saw her face, which was beautiful.After a few days, I had the opportunity to see her many times, and I found that the angle I saw her that day was really good. I mean, she was good-looking only from that angle. "You look like a bar of chocolate," I said. "You're like a brick," she said to me. That's how we got to know each other, and we left each other's mobile phone numbers. Of course, we not only knew each other, but also smoked several cigarettes together. The next night, I ran into her again at the Yugong Yishan billiards hall. At that time, a friend and I were walking to the billiard case to play billiards. I saw her stand up from a sofa not far away and look towards me.So he waved to her, and then invited her: "Will you spend New Year's Eve with me?" "Okay." Before the words finished, one of her female companions called her, so she turned and left. On the evening of the 31st, I had dinner with my friends.At the dinner table, everyone tried to match a pair of older men and women.What's annoying is that it took me a long time to find out that these two people had a better life before! Now they are still single, and each has an ideal man and woman in their hearts.Of course, they have never met in reality, so I understand that Kuang men and resentful women often cannot be squeezed together. When it was almost twelve o'clock at night, a group of us were going to rush to the cash drawer to play.According to reliable information from friends, there are a group of beauties in the private room where he is, singing karaoke lonely.On the phone, I asked him: "Have you figured out the situation of these girls?" The friend replied proudly: "I know whoever has a master." "Where's the ownerless one?" "Nobody looks good." Hearing what he said, I gave up all of a sudden. But because we had nowhere to go, we ran to the private room of our friends.Two groups of boring people come together, but what they get is still boring.Everyone took turns singing love songs, each singing better than the other, but unfortunately it was just singing.In actual action, I think one is more ruthless than the other.I listened to karaoke for an hour, and felt that it was worse than hearing nonsense, so I went to the cafeteria to eat, and accidentally came across chocolate again.Chocolate smiled and held a glass of drink in her hand. I said happy new year to her, and she also said happy new year to me. I said, "I didn't expect that the new year really happened. How can we spend together?" "Let's smoke a cigarette together." She still told me so. So, we smoked a cigarette in the corridor, watching the Chinese New Year people walking up and down in front of our eyes, we said goodbye and left after the cigarette was finished. Looking back, no matter what others say, anyway, I think this matter has something to do with romance. In my memory, the first time I felt perfect was in the summer of 1986.At that time, I was a fashionable young man, or rather, a vain and stupid middle school student.The so-called fashion at that time was called rebellion, and the content of rebellion was to go against everything parents, teachers, newspapers, and TV said.That kind of confrontation is very blind, but it is very suitable for adolescence.I think in adolescence there is a strange need to build up the self, to make the self independent of the world. The first thing to do if you want to build yourself is to break free and pursue freedom.Associated with that age, this first The thing is to do something that seems to be beneficial to you, but you have never done it before.Fortunately, back then, there were so many things that had never been done that it was easy to rebel. I remember that at that time, when I was tired of doing things like skipping classes, reading novels, fighting, and not studying, there was a wonderful little word in my head that automatically turned around, and that was love.In fact, I learned this little word from a novel. At that time, because I never touched the books in class "until three days before the exam", I had some spare time to read extracurricular books.Because I was confused and naive at the time, I read all the novels as romance novels, and I paid attention to how men and women get married.During this process, both of them said something.Of course, novels are written in black and white, so you can imagine as much as you want, but it would be too shabby to keep imagining and imagining, so I was eager to try.Moreover, my peers also have a bit of that meaning, that is to say, many people are eager to try.So there is a situation opposite to "a slap can't make a sound"-in school, gossip like "who gets married with whom" is more important than the news broadcast on TV.In a word, the momentum of middle school students falling in love suddenly rose.For boys, having a girlfriend becomes more important than anything else, because there is no such thing in the syllabus.Therefore, if you can find a girl, write a love letter to her, hold hands and show off around, and kiss someone when they are not prepared, that is simply a hero.From a rebellious point of view, doing so is undoubtedly against the education system on the surface, and everyone knows secretly that the reason for wanting to fall in love is because of the age-men put girls on the back of the bicycle without complaint, tirelessly Bring it around every day, think about it, this kind of thing, if you replace it with a dying old man, you can’t do it no matter what-it’s not worth it! It’s unnecessary! And I’m not in the mood! Recalling that I was in love at the time, I really had a perfect feeling. I remember that my first girlfriend celebrated her birthday. I rushed to their house against the strong wind and gave her a birthday present. She said that she also had a birthday gift for me.So she took me to a construction site downstairs. It was dark at that time. She turned left and right and found a place where no one was around. She told me to stay three meters away from her, then suddenly took off my shirt and showed me He glanced at her upper body.She stood opposite me for a full half a minute, and I thought it was better to say that she stood well than by a coincidence, because the moonlight happened to shine on her, so I thought I saw something that was not in the book knowledge--romantic , love, purity - simply intoxicating! In short, it was a perfect feeling, that is, it couldn't be better.I'm embarrassed to say, I quietly recalled the half-naked scene under the moon for several days, and I couldn't express my enthusiasm.What I think is respectable about that girl is that she didn't fall in with the various female stars who are now making money off of this trick, and she only showed me and not everyone - the social climate was finally at that time Today, I have almost been rebelled. I don’t know how the next generation can be rebelled again—Feng Shui turns.I reckon that if a girl wants to do this to her boyfriend now, she might be hit mercilessly—put it on, put it on, and show it off with this posture and level, which is better than those in the pictorials. Women are too far behind! I'm thirty-four years old, and I've had a bad life for many years because of the inexplicable rebellious psychology of adolescence.Looking back, I see nothing but corruption and self-indulgence.Sometimes, when I look through the novels I wrote about myself, I can’t help but feel deeply surprised when I summarize the long adolescence that seems to be infinitely delayed by me, just like reading other people’s stories.I used to think it was self-affirmation, but in fact I never had myself at all; I thought it was the pride of a young life, but it was just weakness and stupidity; I thought it was bravery and strength, but it was just running around to satisfy my selfish desires . Now, I feel sad and painful for my rapidly passing youth.I don't think it's a creative rebellion because I haven't built a life of peace of mind that is my own, I don't take any responsibility.Even, I didn't face everything upright, just like the smoke that covered my eyes cleared in the wind, and those things that were originally blurred appeared in front of my eyes.It was a picture of the truth of life where nothing had changed except that I had become middle-aged.All of a sudden, I discovered the tenacity and value of tradition, in fact, I found that I began to dream about family.I want to know where and with whom the girl I like is at all times.I hope to form a reliable and strong relationship with people of mutual trust and loyalty, and through this relationship, I hope to find solace in the world. The reason for this transformation is simple, because I have found a mirror of myself in my life.It was a girl who was as young as I was ten years ago, as fond of romance, as curious and proud, and I fell in love with her at first sight.Everything at the beginning is like a familiar natural process, romantic, touching and beautiful.I fell in love with her and tried hard to find the end of that love, and I found that the end was nothing but a stronger relationship.I asked her to live with her, she refused.And so, the end was gone, and it was another heartbreaking affair, just like the old-fashioned romance I described in my novels.I don't know why, I didn't ask her out of pride, but I guess it might be because she doesn't trust me, or she still wants to try a new life, still wants to rush forward, to find the people who are in my eyes. to an impossible future.In short, compared to my past experience, I suddenly found that the roles were reversed, and I was at the other end, at the disadvantaged end. After it was all over, I began to think about it, not as a casual affair, but as a serious matter.The very thought frustrated me, my cynicism, my cynicism shattered in the blink of an eye.I feel weak and corrupt.My powerless life was once again taken up by loneliness alone.It took me a long time to shake off the self-blame, and my thinking came to fruition.I have learned the power of morality, and I have learned that integrity and sincerity are the cornerstone of everything.I will no longer pursue pleasure by talking about love. I know that behind the sincere emotions, there must be self-control and responsibility, and desires must be controlled rationally. I understand that family is the goal of love. Not a grave.When we talk about love, we are preparing for the establishment of a family, and we are looking for a more natural place for our emotions.There we can find rest and peace.We walked away from the family, not to upset another family, or to satisfy our wild sexual fantasies, but to my innermost altruistic ideal—that of providing more valuable and long-term work for society.I'm sure that for strong people, family and children teach us to plan for the future more long-term, plan our lives more interestingly, teach us to be tenacious, to endure pain, to work quietly, and to be more effective Carefully arrange our few days in this world. The weather in Beijing in June this year is not bad. Sometimes I stand by the street in the evening, and when I am blown by a small wind, I suspect that it is autumn.The Sanlitun bar is full of fans, people actively participate in the World Cup by watching the Chinese team play, of course, a few people also participate more actively through the more ancient way, I mean gambling.The latter takes longer than the former.Generally speaking, a few friends and I go to a bar every night to play poker, watch TV games, and chat. During the World Cup, everything stops, but the entertainment life is quite rich.During the game, there is also an auto show in the International Exhibition Center, which exhibits various cars produced by various countries in the world.I also went around for a while, I didn't see a few cars clearly, but I saw a lot of people in sexy outfits The models dangled around the cars with a flattering smile on their faces, adding to the luster of those cars, giving people the illusion that they would be able to buy the car home and be lucky enough to bring one with them. model. However, what is really reassuring is the Chinese football team. Due to their normal performance, they failed to score a goal. They are on an equal footing with the last World Cup champion France. I can't help being proud of it.The team members were very humble in the interviews after the game. The heroic appearance of Yang Chen, the handsome guy in the team, often appeared on the coloring pages of newspapers, and he was on an equal footing with the world-class male symbol Beckham.However, when he really ran on the field, he seemed a little less chic than Beckham. He was originally famous for being good at playing football, but under the watchful eyes of the public, he rarely had a chance to kick the ball, which discouraged his admirers a bit. I really wish I could go up and kick him twice.There is also a famous player, Li Tie, who is also dazzling. He often runs around on the court like a headless fly, but to be fair, he is more handsome than a headless fly for all to see.The one who dissatisfied me the most was the coach Milu, who earned much more money than me, yet led the team like this.The three games of the Chinese team left me with these impressions. Fortunately, it is too early to see the fourth game, and we have to wait until after June. A football match is a game in which there is a ball and 22 players of the same sex, divided into two groups, they run, jump, and keep fighting for the ball that can be bought with a meal.The so-called victory is when one group of players sends the ball into the gate of another group of players with their feet or heads.Usually, there are tens of thousands of spectators watching happily, and a few more interesting spectators also use gambling to connect watching with personal interests.The highest form of this game is called the World Cup, that is, each team represents a country to participate in this customary childish game, and I don’t know what it represents this country. During the Cold War, the World Cup aroused the strong emotions of a huge crowd and was mainly used to show the political leanings of individual political groups.Now, it's a big entertainment business where money plays a number one role.In the future, I don't know what else it will become. Generally speaking, it is difficult for those young people who run around chasing the ball all day to have anything to talk about. Let everything change.These people, I mean the so-called football players, what is their specialty? They are very good at kicking the ball with their feet. Using this specialty, a few of them have become famous stars. In the future, a person who is good at farting may also become a celebrity.This possibility exists, as long as someone in the world is willing to pay, select people who are good at farting from each country, and let them represent their countries in the World Cup farting competition.At that time, the eyes of the whole world will turn away from a ball and turn their ears to listen to the wonderful fart sounds full of imagination, and choose the one they like most. The so-called football culture is all kinds of discussions accompanied by an inflated ball.The football rolls from one foot to the other, with the ultimate goal of being sent into a gate.Some people say it's a sexual innuendo, some people talk about it from the perspective of teamwork, and some people prefer to talk about the kicker, talking about kicking the ball with their feet, just like Jin Yong said about the fight between people It's like a god.Due to the ever-changing expressions, there will be a drama that dazzles ordinary people, which is metaphysical to the height of poetry.However, when we suddenly looked back, we found that the sound of farting can also be talked about in the same way. We can say: "I saw the handsome farting man with blond hair, his legs were spread apart, his buttocks were only crooked, and his lower abdomen was retracted, pushing the air pressure." Entering the small intestine, the stench swirls and rushes through the nine-curved ileum like an overwhelming sea. Finally, it is squeezed by the anal sphincter and rushed out of the body with a roar. Ah, he has won! The beautiful voice is like the whispering of flowers, It is also like a deep bass expressing human passion, in short, one word, beautiful! Another word, good! Another word, cool!" In fact, football mania has always puzzled me.I also played football, and I was happy when I played.I also watched football for a while, and I can say that I felt okay while watching it.I think I know what that thing is about, but as I get older I feel like I'm getting more and more confused about football.The 2002 World Cup is about to kick off. I think it is understandable that football players and coaches are keen on this, because that is their profession, and they will have nothing to eat if they don't do it.The organizers of the World Cup are keen on this, and I have nothing to say, because it is their way of life and their profession.But I am puzzled that so many people who have nothing to do with it are talking about this matter. Obviously, this game is simple and lacking in emotion, and the way of participation can only be "watching".It is enough to watch one game, but people's goal is to watch fifty-two games! And the games are similar.Still the same sentence, twenty-two people, running wildly in a closed field, a ball rolling around, at most adding a referee who often blocks the line of sight to follow the wind, I don't understand, what's there to see ? Why are they so excited? I remember watching some pictures of the World Cup on TV before. I was deeply impressed by the fact that some very strong stars cried in public without dignity after losing the game.I guess they were sincere when they cried.输了，就意味着以后挣钱少了，或是其他利益方面的损失，这有情可原。但接着我发现，观众里也有大量跟着哭的。要是赌钱赌输了，我能理解，要是白白地跟着哭，那我可就太不理解了，我认为那是瞎哭一气，或是感情太多没地儿使。但你要是非说是他们的同情心过于旺盛，我就不服。电视上报道过一些人类生活的阴暗面儿，比如非洲饥民、战争什么的，也没见他们这么哭过，说明他们的同情心也就是一般。我认为，那是一种不及物哭泣，也就是说，他们没有什么真正站得住脚的哭泣理由，却能哭得出来，这说明人类的情感充满了盲目性。也许，我猜测，这引起人们关注的世界杯，不过是一个使人们从空虚中摆脱出来的小藉口。人们通过集体无意识，来证明他们彼此之间的荒唐联系，也就是，明明没什么联系，却硬是瞎联系。从共同行动中，人们不仅想证明他们作为个体的存在，还想试图证明，他们作为一个整体的存在，尽管这种证明方式叫我觉得有点不可思议--难道大家真的就那么无聊吗? 二○○二年就要过去了，一回头，竟然有一种空落落的感觉，我不想问自己这种问题：这一年我干了些什么?因为这种问题是可怕的，若是把个人所做的那一点事情混入世界上其他人所做的事情中，那么就会显得可有可无，无聊透顶，甚至，十分好笑。〖JP〗 很多时候，忙碌令人安心，忙碌之后什么也不想，沉沉睡去，叫人感到一种麻木的充实。有一阵儿，我特喜欢那种充实，我出了两本书，一本《鸡一嘴鸭一嘴》，另一本《激情与 迷茫》，那就是我忙碌的产物，但过后我却没能安下心来。拿着自己写的书在手里晃一晃，竟有一种垃圾的感觉，不知别人是否会有与我一样的感受? 从来没有哪一年像这一年一样，叫我觉得我们这个花样繁多的物质世界令人泄气。指导时尚与消费杂志把几样商品往一起一凑，便能给人提供一种想像力。比如一个穿着时装的美女，一间起居室，几样小摆设，这是一种关于安全、富足、舒适的想像，它是一种人们追求的结果，也不知人们有了那些大同小异的东西以后是否仍会感到单调?我知道，人们不会感到单调，换一种颜色，换上几样新东西，人们便觉得似乎一切都改变了。唉，这一年，真是给孩子们准备的一年，好在我估计下一年孩子会更满意，因为所有人都在为此而奋斗。我怀疑，这是否是所有那些追求成功的大人们的一个玩笑呢?如果真是，无疑，这个玩笑会开很久，人们对此真的不会厌倦吗?我拭目以待。 我一直不太喜欢照相，在我看来，每一张照片中的人都可用一个词来形容，那就是装腔作势，叫我觉得很不舒服，因为照片中的脸所表现的不是自然与真诚，而是虚荣与毫不掩饰的愚蠢的自我表现欲。但这种想法是主观的，因为我自己从未正儿八经地去拍过。 身为文人，我有时会给一些杂志报纸写稿，出于版面安排，他们向我要照片。我推说没有，事实上，我有一些，但拍得奇形怪状，叫我恨不得觉得没有才好。终于，我找到一张还 算过得去的生活照，托人扫出来，传向各处。但不久，这一招便不灵了，因为同一份报纸或杂志不愿一而再再而三地登发同一张照片。事实上，这件事严重地影响了我发表文章，于是下了决心，去拍一些照片，不就是玩帅装嫩吗?不就是丢人现眼吗?不就是傻相毕露吗? 正好，时尚杂志约了一个采访，他们说还要拍照片，我一听，暗地里止不住地高兴，一种占小便宜的心理油然而生。忙向他们打听能不能多拍一些属于我私人的，他们说可以。于是我便跑到位于中粮广场五层的时尚杂志社，采访过后，我被叫到一个房间里。一个年仅二十一岁的女造型师开始给我做造型，她问我头发为什么这么短，我承认，来之前，跑到楼下的发廊里花十块钱剪了一次头。也许是钱花得太少了，造型师直摇头，我估计她认为剪得不够好，她往我头发上打了一些黏糊糊的像是糨糊的东西，用梳子梳了梳，又用手胡撸了几下，发型就算是做成了。接着，她又往我脸上打了一层粉，直叫我暗中害怕这一弄会不会把我变成一个老妖精。我不放心地问她，有没有像我岁数一样大的男人被这么化装过，她随口说了一串名人的名字，一种同流合污的踏实感使我安静下来。接着，我被要求站到一盏灯下，对面的摄影师忙碌起来，用测光表测光，而我也开始粉墨登场了。 来之前，编辑曾叮嘱，叫我带上一身衣服，于是我把我最贵的衣服全带来了。一件深灰色ＣＫ毛衣，五年前我妹妹送我的，一条米黄色ＬＥＥ ＣＯＯＰＥＲ灯芯绒裤子，买于六年前的西单。一条黑色LEVI`S仔裤与同样牌子与颜色的Ｔ恤，是我爸十年前出国时省下差旅费给我买的。编辑还为我从瑕步士专卖店借了一双鞋、一条裤子、一件毛衣、一件马甲，这就是我的拍照行头儿，可惜的是，我成天穿着的牛仔裤没用上。 看得出来，摄影师、造型师、编辑都很专业。在他们眼中，对于时尚有一个很具体的概念。我按照他们的要求，摆出一个个我感到羞愤的造型，做出一个个我回想起来恨不得自杀的动作，做出一个个平常从来没有在我脸上出现过的表情。有时候扮酷，有时候扮骚，有时候扮高兴，现在想不过是出乖露丑而已。拍照时，摄影师还给我的表情起了些名儿，什么"向往"之类的。中间为拍一个踢腿的动作，我还不慎摔了一跤，我暗叫了声"活该"就站起来了，接着拍，心里想着这是为我三十四岁了还老不正经而理应付出的代价。奇怪的是，越往后拍，我越放松，最后，我并没有感到装腔作势后的羞愤难当，反倒是有一种奇怪的表现欲促使我完成了拍摄，我怀疑我也许本来就是照片上所表现出来的那个人，只不过以前没机会暴露而已。 拍摄在继续，他们很努力地工作，与我谈话，使我轻松，鼓励我，跑前跑后，给我视线，让我的眼睛有地方看，给我倒水，耐心地等我抽烟，把我换下的衣服叠得整整齐齐。总之，这是一幕认真工作的场景。两个小时结束了，大约拍了四五卷反转片，我知道，一组时尚照片出笼了，再过几天，我就能亲眼看到了，此刻我觉得忧心忡忡，因为我不知时尚是什么，我也不知我在那些照片上是什么样子。叫我放心的是，据说他们知道，但愿他们知道，他们要是不知道，那么很多人就会指着那些照片笑话我，那我麻烦可就大了，我不禁偷偷地想：我靠，那，那以后可怎么混呐? "非典"时期像是要过去了，起初是恐慌，渐渐地，恐慌被习惯了，最后，不管如何，"非典"被当成一件别人的事情，"非典"病人与医生的事情，也就是与自己无关的事情。 过程就是这样。 "非典"时期，尽量少出门，出门戴一个白口罩，每天上网看的第一条新闻是发生人数及 死亡人数。为了略表心意，本来想找个地方捐点钱，也没找到向哪里捐，就算了。看看报纸，政府也没宣布"非典"病人一切免费，看来没我什么事儿。 总是这样，没我什么事儿。 接到几个写"非典"的约稿，想想无甚可写，就推了。 总觉得要为"非典"做点什么，终于行动起来，买了瓶维生素，吃了几粒，就懒得再吃。 与朋友打过一些与"非典"有关的电话，无非是把新闻里说的事情再说一遍，打打也就打烦了，不打了。 忽然发现，我仍像生活在封建社会的农民，没有什么社会生活，与社会的联系就是写点字换点饭钱，自种自食，自产自销，生死由天，后果自负。 对了，有一点比农民强，那就是上网抱怨，网上就是我可去的教堂，所有读者就是我的牧师。当然，我也顺手当一当别人的牧师，把心里想说的说一说，完事大吉，当然，也于事无补。不过，这也就是外国农民的水平。 据说国家因为"非典"损失了不少钱，本来觉得挺可惜的，再一想，像我这样的人，没什么钱可损失，而像我这样的人又占绝大多数，损失钱的一定是少数人。那些人钱多，损失了一部分也没什么了不起，最多也不过沦落到多数人的地步，即使这样，对于我，也谈不到可惜，这样一想，也就觉得没什么了。 历史上的所谓古代农业国家，也不过就是有那么一群人凑巧住在一块地上，他们懒得换地儿，还说着同一种相互能听懂的话，彼此间的联系就是食色两件事。仔细看一看，就知道，他们简直就是不得不相互交往，不得不呆在一起，力求为自己打小算盘时别伤着别人，对于这样的人来讲，国不国的似乎意义也不大，就那么回事儿。 有点消沉。除了社会分工以外，我能为别人做什么呢?别人能允许我为他们做些什么呢?他们又能为我做些什么呢?不知道。 这是个政治问题。 美国人是这么做的，他们愿意把国家搞成一个大家庭，每一个人尽可能地去帮助别人，并接受别人的帮助。在家庭里，所有成员一律平等相处，相互尊重，他们如此地抱团儿，在家庭内部，什么事儿都是大家商量着来。而对外部，他们统一行动，据说他们是现在最强大的国家。 希望有一天，有一种东西能把我与大家联系起来，叫我感到我与谁谁谁是一伙儿的，那样，就不会这么冷冷清清的了。若是出了点什么事，就是起哄也能找到人和地方，那就好了。这是一个可维持小农经济的农民的希望，这希望源于一种无法摆脱的小农孤独。不过，我知道，这希望定会落空，因为时候还没到，也不知要等到哪一天。 我悄悄地相信，当很多自信的而自足的小农都感到了我感受的那一种孤独之后，便会蠢蠢欲动，到那时，也许我的希望就会有机会实现。 醒来已是下午三点，北京依然下着雨，这次秋雨出奇地漫长，天天都是阴天，一股一股的小阴风在窗外徘徊，久久不散去，叫人向外看一眼，便顿觉十分泄气。 女友见我要出门办事，便吵吵着搭车去逛商场，我把她放在国贸饭店，那里有数也数不清的各式服装，好叫她迷失在里面。 四点半，我来到位于国际展览中心附近的皇家大饭店，与知己公司的石头还有华夏出版社高苏几个人一起商谈再版我的小说的有关事宜。看得出来，华夏出版社对于文学书的出版仍带有一股多年前才能看到的热情，虽然大家更多的谈到的是对于图书盗版的无奈，以及如何才能通过商业运作使书赢利。 我们聊到晚上七点才散去，我接到女友的电话，她正在阳光100，一个叫三乐的朋友家，大家自己动手做饭。我赶去，正碰到新菜上桌，于是毫不客气地大吃起来。饭桌周围有我的朋友唐大年，女作家赵赵，赵赵的两个女朋友小弛和三乐。小弛是个演员经纪人，三乐供职于一家广告公司，现已结婚生子，生活步入正轨，这次吃饭的由头儿是给小弛介绍男朋友，小弛虽身为一个成功的演员经纪人，却在个人问题上严重地缺乏经纪。前一个男朋友是个日本人，两人好了两年后，关系无疾而终。小弛因单身生活过于贫乏，日渐憔悴，作为朋友，赵赵和三乐看在眼里，疼在心头，于是大家帮她物色新对象。 新对象正在厨房里炒菜，叫小康，糖醋虾、煮螃蟹、罗宋汤，每一样做得都很好。唐大年斗志高昂，以一当十，风卷残云，一盘盘地吃掉所有菜，最后把菜汤儿都吃了。小康出来后，面对的一桌子剩菜，但他很为自己的成绩高兴。他在某演出公司工作，长得不错，经济条件与小弛相差无几。小弛开本田、他开福特，从细节上观察，生活作风也都属于勤俭持家型的，我们纷纷张罗着叫他们定了算了，但两人都很稳健，既看不出同意，也看不出不同意，我们天南地北地聊天，最后小弛说她太累了，想回去睡觉，于是大家决定散去。 此时，唐大年又嚷嚷饿了，于是我们一行人从三乐家开车前往东直门苗岭酸汤鱼吃火锅，吃着吃着说起笔仙的事来。据说是确有其事，有的笔仙聪明，有的笔仙笨，有的人请来笔仙容易，有的人半天请不来。笔仙也很调皮，有的请来不愿走，要跟他呆到很晚才行，这种神神鬼鬼的事儿说来有趣，我真想试一试，三乐打电话给她的一个会请笔仙的朋友，可惜太晚了，那人已睡下了，于是留待以后。 深夜三点多，我困得要命，带着女友回家，上网玩了一小时联众围棋，睡去。 一天就这么浑浑噩噩地混过去了。