Chapter 19 children

children I am now the father of five children.Thinking of the metaphor of "the snail has its shell" that Sheng Tao likes to use, I feel uncomfortable.Recently, a relative laughed at me and said, "It's time to peel off the skin!" It was even more terrifying.When I first got married ten years ago, I saw an article in Mr. Hu Shizhi's "Notes of the Canghui Room", saying that there are many great figures in the world who are not married; the article also quoted Bacon's words, "Whoever has a wife, his It's fate." At that time, I was really taken aback, as if waking up from a dream; but the family couldn't help but say that they married a daughter-in-law, so what can they say?Now she is a daughter-in-law, with five children coming along with her. With such a heavy burden on their shoulders, I really don't know how to go about it. "Destiny" is needless to say; from the children's side, how they should grow up is also something that can be worried.I am a downright selfish person, I am barely able to be a husband, let alone a father.Naturally, I also have some understanding of the philosophy or ethics of "children worship" and "child-centeredness". As a father, I know that it is impossible to close my eyes and obliterate the rights of children.It's a pity that this is just a theory. In fact, I am still dealing with it savagely according to the ancient tradition, just like an ordinary father.Recently, I am almost middle-aged, and I gradually feel my own cruelty; thinking about the corporal punishment and scolding the children have received, I still can't justify it-like stroking old wounds, my heart is sour.Once, when I read the translation of Takero Arishima's "With the Young Ones", I actually shed tears for that great and serious attitude.Last year, my father wrote to ask about Ah Jiu, who was still in Baima Lake at that time; the letter said, "I didn't delay you, and you should not delay him." I cried a lot because of this sentence; why did I Unlike a father's kindness?I should not forget how my father treated us!Human nature may be dualistic, and I am so contradictory; my heart comes and goes like a pendulum.

Have you read Mr. Lu Xun's "Happy Family"?Mine is that kind of "happy family"!Every day, lunch and dinner are like two tides.First, the children came and went to check in the kitchen and dining room, while urging my wife or me to issue the "serve dinner" order.The hurried and chaotic footsteps, with laughter and shouting, came in waves until the order was issued.They ran and shouted one by one, passing the order to the servants in the kitchen; they immediately rushed back to move the stool.So this one said, "I'll sit here!" The other said, "Big brother won't let me!" But the big brother said, "Little sister hit me!" I mediated for them and said good things.But sometimes they are very stubborn, and sometimes I am impatient, so I have to scold them; if the scolding is not enough, my heavy hand falls on them involuntarily.So cry and cry, sit and sit, the situation is settled.Then you want a big bowl, he wants a small bowl, you say red chopsticks are good, he says black chopsticks are good; this one wants cooked rice, that one wants porridge, tea or soup, fish or meat, tofu, radish; you want Say he has a lot of food, but he says you have good food.His wife comforted them as usual, but it was obviously too slow.I am a grumpy person, how can I wait?Needless to say, they were immediately conquered by the old method; although there were some who cried, they soon held up their bowls wiping away their tears.After eating, they climbed off their stools one after another. On the table were rice grains, soup, bones, dregs, plus vertical and horizontal chopsticks, and slanted spoons, just like a colorful map model.Outside of eating, their big thing is games.During the game, the big one has big ideas, and the small one has small ideas, and each of them can't stick to it, so they argue; or the big one bullies the small one, or the small one actually bullies the big one, and the bullied one cries and yells until we I complain in front of my husband or wife; I probably still have to use the old method to judge, but there are times when I ignore it.The most difficult thing is when competing for toys: this one is the same thing as that one, but one wants that one; and the other one refuses.Under such circumstances, no matter what, I finally had to cry.Naturally, these incidents do not happen every day, but there are generally better ones.If I am sitting at home reading or writing something, I must distract myself a few times an hour or stand up once or twice.On rainy days or on Sundays, when there are many children at home, there are times when the book cannot be read or a single word can be written even when the book is opened.I often say to my wife, "Our family is really full of thousands of troops all day long!" Sometimes there are soldiers and horses going on not only "all day long", but also at night, when there are nursing or sick children!

I was nineteen years old when I got married.At the age of twenty-one, I had Ah Jiu; at the age of twenty-three, I had Ah Cai again.Then I was like a wild horse, which can bear these burdensome saddles, bridles, and reins?I know it's impossible to get rid of it, but I'm trying to get rid of it unconsciously all the time.Looking back now, those two children were really miserable in those days; what atrocities were unforgivable!Ah Jiu is only two and a half years old, and we live in a school in Hangzhou.For some reason, this child loves to cry very much and is also very afraid of strangers.As soon as my mother disappeared or a visitor came, I started to cry.There are many people living in the school, I can't let him disturb them, and there are always guests; I was so annoyed that once, I specially tricked my wife out, closed the door, pressed him to the ground and beat him once. pause.My wife still feels a bit unbearable when she talks about this matter; she said that my hands are too hot, after all, I am still a two and a half year old child!In recent years, I often think about the situation at that time, and feel sad.Ah Cai is in Taizhou, so she is even younger; she is just over one year old, and she can't walk well yet.Also for the sake of pestering my mother, I pressed her tightly against the corner and cried for three or four minutes; as a result, I fell ill for several days.My wife said, it was really chilling at that time!But my pain is also real.I once wrote a letter to Shengtao, saying that the torture of the children was really helpless; sometimes I thought it would be better to commit suicide.Although these are angry words, such feelings have indeed happened before.Later, there were more children, and the torment was prolonged, and the sharpness of the youth gradually blunted; the added age increased the rational judgment, and I could bear it——I felt that I was really a "bad man" in the past. father," as I wrote to another friend.But my children were indeed more restless than others when they were young, and I still feel this way.I think this is probably due to the fact that we have not brought up properly; in the past, we only blindly blamed our children and asked them to take responsibility for us, but it was shameful and cruel!

"Happiness" in a positive sense is actually not without it.As someone said, the small ones are always cute. The small appearance and narrow-mindedness of children are indeed a little bit reluctant.Amao is five months old now, if you poke her chin with your fingers or make funny faces at her, she will open her toothless mouth and giggle like a flower just blooming.She didn't want to stay in the house; when she stayed for a long time, she yelled loudly.My wife often said, "The girl is going out for a walk again." She said that she was like a bird, and she always had to go out for a while every day.Run'er just turned three years old last month. She is very stupid and hasn't learned the language yet.He could only speak three or four-word phrases or sentences, with grammatical errors, slurred pronunciation, and labored utterance; we were always laughing at him.When he said "good", it always turned into "small"; when asked "Is it good?" he would say "small", or "not small".We often tease him to say this word for fun; he seems to feel that he can occasionally say the correct word "good" recently-especially when we say "small" on purpose.He had an enamel bowl, which he bought for ten cents; when he bought it, the old lady told him, "It's ten cents." "Mao" is sometimes called "Mao" in provinces.This is something new moms must translate to understand.He was embarrassed, or when he saw a stranger, he would grin foolishly; we often called him a "fool" in the local dialect.He is a little fat man with short legs, and when he walks, he staggers ridiculously; if he walks or runs fast, he will be more "good-looking".He sometimes imitates me and folds his hands behind his back and shakes them; that is both for himself and us.His eldest sister is A Cai, who is over seven years old and is studying in elementary school.At the dinner table, you must report something about your classmates or their parents; talk out of breath, whether you like it or not.After finishing speaking, she always asked me: "Does Dad know?" "Does Dad know?" My wife often forbids her to talk during meals, so she always asks me.She has so many questions: When watching a movie, she asks if the people in the movie are human?Is it real?Why don't you speak?The same goes for taking pictures.Someone told her that the soldiers were going to beat people.When she came back, she asked, are soldiers human?Why beat someone?Recently, I probably listened to what my husband said, and when I came back, I asked who Zhang Zuolin's soldiers were helping?Did Chiang Kai-shek's soldiers help us?Questions like these can't be short every day, and I often make trouble so that I don't know how to answer them.She and Run'er were playing together, one big and one small, not very suitable, always arguing and crying.But there are also times when it fits: if one arm hides under the bed, the other one goes in and chases after it; when one comes out, the other one follows—from one bed to another, only laughing, shouting, and panting are heard, just like a wife. Said, like a puppy.These three children are the only ones in Beijing now; Ah Jiu and Zhuan'er were brought back to Yangzhou temporarily by their mother when they came north last year.Ah Jiu is the child of Huanxishu.He likes to watch "Water Margin", "Water Margin", "Little Friends" and so on; when he has nothing to do, he sits or lies down with a book in his hand to read.I just don't like "Dream of Red Mansions", saying it is tasteless.Yes, the taste, how can a ten-year-old child appreciate it?Last year we could only bring two children; because he was older and Zhuan'er had been with his grandmother, we left them in Shanghai.I clearly remember that parting morning.I led Ah Jiu out of the hotel at Eryangjing Bridge, and sent him to the house of relatives where his mother and Zhuan'er lived.My wife asked, "Buy them something to eat." We walked across Sima Road to a tea shop.Ah Jiu said he wanted smoked fish, so I bought it; I also bought biscuits for Zhuan'er.Then take the tram to Haining Road.When I got out of the car, I saw his fear and burden, and felt very sympathetic.When I went to a relative's house, because I was going back to the hotel to pack up and get on the boat, I only said a few words before coming out; Zhuan'er looked at me and said nothing, and Ah Jiu went to talk to his grandmother.I glanced back at them, bit the bullet and left.Later my wife told me that Ah Jiu said to her behind her back: "I know my father likes my little sister, so he won't take me to Beijing." In fact, this was wronged.He once said to us, "Come and pick me up during the summer vacation!" We agreed at the time; but now it's the second summer vacation, and they are still staying in Yangzhou, far away.Do they hate us?Still thinking about us?My wife has been unable to let go of these two for a year, and often sheds tears alone; but what can I do!I can't help but feel a little sad when I think of the nameless poem "Just because the family is poor and get together".Zhuan'er is relatively unfamiliar with me.But when she left Baima Lake last year, she also used blunt Yangzhou dialect (she hadn’t been to Yangzhou at that time), and said to me in that particularly high-pitched little voice, "I want to go to Beijing." What does she know about Beijing? , just talking to the older children; but listening to it at the time, and thinking about it now, I am really sorry.It's a common thing for the two brothers and sisters to leave me. Although they left their mother once, it was too long this time. My little heart knows how to endure the loneliness!

My friends probably love children.Shaogu once wrote me a letter to scold me, saying that the children's quarrel is also very interesting, but how annoying it is, as I said; he said he really didn't understand.The article Zikai wrote for his family, Hua Zhan, is really "the words of a benevolent man".Shengtao also often worries about his children: After graduating from primary school, which middle school should he go to? ——In this case, he told me two or three times.I am only ashamed of them!But recently I have gradually felt my responsibility.I think the first is to unite the children, and the second is to give them some strength.I have seen with my own eyes a man who loves his children, but neglects them because he has not educated them well.It's not that he dotes on them, it's just that if he doesn't have the patience to take care of them, they won't be able to grow.I think if I go on like this, the children will be in danger too.I have to plan, let them gradually know how to be a person.But would they be like myself?On this level, when I was teaching junior high school students in Baima Lake, I also asked Ping Zun from the standpoint of teachers and students, and he said without hesitation, "Naturally." Miao, "I don't want to be worse than myself." Yes, as long as I don't "be worse than myself", I don't care if I "like" or not.It is better for them to decide their careers, outlook on life, etc.; they are the most precious, as long as they guide and help them develop themselves, it is a very wise way.

Yu Tong said, "We have to let our children graduate from college before we have fulfilled our responsibility." SK said, "Otherwise, it depends on our economy, their qualifications and aspirations; if they have graduated from middle school, they cannot or will not If you want to go to higher education, then you can do other things, such as being a worker, that’s not impossible.” Naturally, a person’s success or failure does not depend entirely on school education; it may be just our prejudice to say that one must graduate from college.In this matter, I absolutely cannot have a definite idea now; especially in this changing era, what will happen in the future?Fortunately, the children are still young, so let's wait for the future.What can be done at present is to cultivate their basic strengths - mind and vision; children are still children, so naturally they can't be said to be tall and far away, and they will start slowly from the near and small.Naturally, I can only follow my own way first: "Gods are enlightened, and they exist in their own people." Whether it is brilliant, unlucky, or ordinary, let them each do their best.I just hope that, as I think, I can be a good father from now on, and I will be satisfied. ——Thinking of the cry of the "madman" and "save the child", how dare I not encourage myself in horror?

Finished writing on the evening of June 24, 1928, Tsinghua University, Beijing. (Originally published on October 10, 1928, "Novel Monthly", Volume 19, No. 10)