Chapter 36 water cloud

——How did I create the story, how did the story create me? May in Qingdao is a strange season. After the exchange monsoon suddenly stopped from February, the heat of the sun reached the ground, and the weather immediately became warmer.Deep in the woods, there are traces of woodpeckers and the singing of yellow warblers.In the park, plum blossoms, peach blossoms, magnolias, plum blossoms, ditang, crabapple and cherry blossoms all bloomed together as if they had made an appointment.Some tourists gathered everywhere, wearing spring clothes that were originally upper body.Bring wine, food and candy, sit on the grass under the flowers and trees and enjoy the flowers.Some of them come from the big cities in the north and south to see the cherry blossoms for a short trip, which can be seen from the outside.In order to express their calmness and happiness after the liberation of nature, these people usually lie on their backs on the grass, rest their heads on their hands, and are fascinated by the shadows of clouds and the blooming flowers in the sky.He was still whistling softly in his mouth, imitating the singing birds in the forest to call for spring.Women often stand on the grass and take pictures of their children, but the children run around among the flowers and trees.

In this smoky spring scene, I happened to come across a little poem by a man, to the effect that all flowers and fruits on the ground get their fragrance of life from the sun, and man is just a living thing in the natural order. To be nourished and educated from the sun.So I often feel happy and lonely, take a few hard green apples and two books, and walk towards the seaside where there is more sunshine and no one pays attention.As usual, I aimed at the direction of sunrise and walked east along the coast.Kuafu chases the sun, but I catch up with the sun. I don’t worry that I will die of thirst halfway.We walked past the bathing place, past the fort, and passed the big house of some Russian duke built on the rock pile in the bay... until we reached the big black stone pile protruding from the sea at the corner of the Pacific Ocean, we stopped moving forward.There is already a green sea in front of this place, and the gray round shadow of Shuilingshan Island can be seen in the distance, and the light smoke left by the ships passing by in the light purple sky.Behind me is a masson pine forest, like emerald green brooms, blowing the clouds, under the short and sparse pines, there are clumps of light blue and yellow and white wild flowers blooming at random.Among the flowers, you can often see pairs of small, smart, and brown hares chasing games there with an innocent look.There is not a single house in this place, and there are few tourists. It should be regarded as a special area for these small creatures, so when you find each other with strangers, you can't help being curious and looking at them with bulging eyes.After watching for a long time, it seems that he saw a little danger from his expression, or guessed what a "person" is. Fang Jingran was shocked, turned his head and ran among the grass and trees.When running away, it was just as fast as a fluffy marble, and like a marble, it suddenly touched the tree and turned around, changing the direction and continuing to run.This intelligent and lively creature.Finally disappeared among the green masson pine and miscellaneous flowers.So I felt a little sorry, and tried to imagine how it would run back to the nest after being frightened.They were photographed using pottery cylinders buried in the ground for water diversion, because the inside extends in all directions, which is in line with the legendary meaning of the three caves.After entering, they must be crowded tightly, preparing for a second escape for safety, because sometimes it is likely to be chased by a dog that is still wandering at the mouth of the waterway.After a while, I calmed down a bit, and cautiously exposed my two little furry ears and bald head from the mouth of the waterway, listened to the sound of the wind near and far, and learned from experience that "the world is peaceful", before going back to play among the grass and trees.

Eight feet away from where I was sitting was a steep cliff that plunged straight down into the deep sea.If you want to commit suicide, just jump forward with a little force, you can fall off the cliff and fall into the sea to feed the fish.The water is sometimes calm, like a sheet of smooth glass.Sometimes you can see a big wave two or three feet high, carrying a wrinkled white hat, rushing straight to the bottom of the rock, but the wave turns into a piece of silvery white foam, a burst of salty fog and rain.On the one hand, I let the warm sun burn my shoulders, hands, and feet, and obtain the heat and energy needed for life, but on the other hand, I use the sea in front of me to educate me and wash my life deeply.After a long time and many times, the shapes, colors and smells of the sky, trees and sea quietly melted into my absolutely independent soul.I am lonely but not sad.Because from tacit reverie, I feel the wisdom and power of life.In the beating rhythm of the heart, there are poems with perfect form and fresh rhythm, and music with a soft tone and full of youthful memories.

"Fame, money, or love, nothing, it's nothing. I have a heart that dances for all the lights and shades of the world, and that's enough. A heart that can not only dream of anything, but fully realize it. All flowers and plants Both can get vitality from the sun, and each blooms in the smoky scenery of Yangchun for a while, but the flowers in my life also need to develop and bloom, and they must have amazing beauty and fragrance." That's how I look when I'm lying on my back.As soon as I stand up, another answer comes from the depths of the center.This is exactly the kind of echo that the imagination produces when it hits the edge.There was a touch of sophistication in the echoes, a touch of cynicism, a mark of being ravaged by social setbacks.

"A person who is proud and withdrawn may not be able to be a warrior. You should always remember that you have to be careful. You have arrived at a deep sea. Even if your body does not fall into the sea, if your heart falls into a dream It is also quite dangerous to go into the illusory realm, and it is not easy to struggle out." This sophistication was not necessary to me at the time, so I lay down again, as if expressing my willingness to be conquered by whomever I chose for life.I wait for this conquest. "Why struggle? If that's where I want to go, there's no need to struggle. I must give up any desire to resist and keep sinking. Whether it's salty sea water or bitter life, I To sink to the bottom is the top.

This is like life, life.What I need is absolute refuge, from which I can see God.I am a countryman, and I take a ruler and a scale with me wherever I go, which is always inconsistent with the general society.Everything that comes to my destiny, I have my own size and weight, to prove the value and meaning of life.I don't need that thing you call 'society' for, I hate standards in general, especially the stupid things that thinkers put down to warp and corrupt human nature.What kind of thinking is this?It's just a morbid expression of a person who uses this to make up for himself and take revenge on the world because his desires for men and women are suppressed when he is young, his desire for power is hit when he is middle-aged, and his physical activities are restricted when he is old.This kind of person has always been unhealthy, how can I hope to have a healthy outlook on life. "

"Okay, you might as well try to see if you can use your own ruler and scale to measure your relationship with people." "Don't you believe it?" "You should have confidence in yourself, and don't worry about others not believing it. A person often needs proof from others' belief because he lacks confidence in himself. Political entanglements, and sacrifices in such disputes, make millions of people Bleeding in front of the face, the meaning of bleeding is to increase a certain person's self-confidence. In ordinary human relations, some people are not confident enough, and there is no way to prove it by sacrificing others. So they commit suicide when they lose love. This kind of person has done something extremely stupid, thinking that he is pursuing the highest meaning of life and has achieved it."

"I only want to keep that little bit of self-confidence as you call the pride of the soul!" "That's perfectly fine, because any man who has real self-confidence, whether it comes from the health of his senses or the stubbornness of his ideas, can hope to win the approval of others. But you have to be careful, the wind doesn't always blow in one direction. Our lives are full of "accidents", and there are "emotions" that are more powerful than reason. A person's life can be said to be multiplied and divided by accidents and emotions. Although you are not superstitious about fate, new accidents and emotions, But it will form your fate tomorrow and determine his fate the day after tomorrow."

"I am confident that I can get what I want and say no to what I don't want." "This is limited to such small things as buying a toothbrush. Another small thing, you will find it impossible. As for personnel, you can't intentionally get that accidental coincidence, and you can't deny that emotional weakness. " When the debate came to this point, it seemed that my self-esteem was damaged a little bit, and the me who was lying facing the sky fell silent.The me who sat looking at the plum blossoms was also silent because of this. Try to look at the sea in front of you, the sea is bright blue and quiet, warm and reserved.Although I know that there must be some islands in the middle, which can be used for migratory birds to live in, and keep moving forward, and finally reach a green and infinite shore.But a person who lacks sailing experience cannot use imagination to prove it, which is similar to a person's life.Try to look up at the cloud shadows in the sky, and review the cloud shadows in the same sky at another time, and I seem to know it by heart.Because the clouds on the sea are really rich and unusual.

Sometimes the five colors are rendered in an ever-changing manner, and the sky is like a brocade carpet.Sometimes it is plain and pure, and there is nothing but a piece of green jade in the sky.For most of the year, this place is completely a magical picture in the sky, with the breath of youth, arousing fantasies and dreams, and it seems to evoke a sense of lightness, tenderness, music, and passion.Mirages appear in this kind of sky. Although they are not often seen in people's eyes, they are always in people's hearts.It is not unreasonable that the careers of Qin Huang Han Wu also ended in a dream of immortal youth.

But this should be chance and emotional multiplication and division, and what else? I don't envy gods, because I am a mortal.I have never been cared for by any woman, nor have I cared much for any other woman.Under the shadow of moving clouds, I dreamed the dreams that young people can dream.I understand that my heart can withstand people's indifference and spoiling in terms of love, gains and losses, and it can also carry selfless carnival.I try to ask myself again. "Who can be like a rainbow or a star in my life, who will never be forgotten in my memory? There should be such a person." "Why are you so humble and stingy? Although this kind of people are about to come into your life one after another, each of them has a little power. These people are called 'accidental'. The name is a bit vulgar, but you don't hate it, because it is more powerful than you. Rainbows and stars are still fixed, and have no reproducibility. They pass away, leaving something on a person's heart in this world; they disappear, and they really disappear, except for the trace left on the heart, which may be forever from now on. Disappeared. This disappearance does not make people pessimistic, because it once lived in your heart, and it is everywhere accidental." "Can I also retain a power in another life?" "It depends on your emotions." "Could it be that I and others can't do something according to a predetermined plan..." "Oh, come on. What plan? Do you mean that reason can decide for you a matter that God has never committed to anyone? Just think about it, can you decide three o'clock?" In the future, when you go back to your residence from the seaside, what will be waiting for you on the way? How much will these things affect your life in a year or two? If you fail at this point, then other things will obviously exceed Your intelligence and ability go further. This kind of test is not a bad thing for you.Because it can make you understand all kinds of accidents and emotions in your life in the future, maybe it can also increase your tolerance for the coming of troubles—that is, the new Taoist thought. On a certain point, you have to believe in God Therefore, you can continue to live calmly and calmly. "So I leaned against a masson pine, picked those variegated and unknown wildflowers, and tried to imagine all the things that might happen on the way back in the afternoon. By around four o'clock in the afternoon, I was ready to go home.On the muddy floor of the beach after the tide has receded in Huiquan Bathing Beach, I saw a handful of small snail mussels bleached white by sea water, shining pearly luster on the scattered ground.From the appearance of the snails and clams, it can be inferred that this is the result of a careful person.I guess this may be a girl who came to play on the beach with her family. She carefully selected it from the gravel with her two small and beautiful hands. After playing for a while, her hands felt a little warm and sweaty, no wonder Useful, but also reluctant to throw away.I happened to see my family take an apple out of the rattan basket in the resting place in front, and I got a reason to clean my hands, so I stuffed it in the nanny's hand, and I didn't care about this thing any more.The nanny held the remains of the snails and mussels in her big hands for a while, and then randomly threw them here for another reason.Because a row of extremely long footprints was left on the wetland, one of them was left by a little girl. I found it in order to trace this footprint.The footprints ended here, and then he walked obliquely towards a big rock where he could rest. The steps were wider and the footprints were deeper, so it could be seen that he was running.And there are some apple and banana peels on the stone.So I picked up those beautiful snails and clams one by one, because these past lives, the beautiful and innocent wish to retain some other lives lived in my imagination. After walking a little further, I followed two other footprints, which were left by a young couple as can be seen from their size.Arriving at a place that is most suitable for watching sails on the sea, the two footprints are a little deeper and messy, and they seem to have stayed for a while.From the meaningless curves drawn on the sand by the tip of the man's cane, some triangles and circles, and a small yellow paper box containing film, it can be inferred that the young couple may have just seen a triangle in the sea when they arrived here. The white sail passed by, and he paused for a while to appreciate the scenery, and even took a photo.The person taking the photo is probably a woman. The curves drawn by the cane on the sand and others represent a man sitting idle and a little bored.Taking pictures in this place, it can be seen that it is a pair of foreign tourists. According to the rules, locals will not take pictures in this place. Walking a little further, when I reached the head of the beach, I met a poor girl who was picking oysters. There were some oysters and a handful of yellow flowers in a bamboo basket. So I went back to my place.When going up the stairs, the stairs still creaked, and from the noise, it was clear that nothing unexpected happened.From a colleague who opened the door ajar, he could see a picture of a beautiful woman advertising cigarettes on the wall.On the window sill of another colleague, there was vaguely an empty bottle of cod liver oil.Everything remains the same.Especially the master chef in the downstairs kitchen, the sound of bowls clinking when spooning and seasoning, as well as the tangy fragrance overflowing from the entrance of the building, add to the feeling that everything is business as usual.I can't help but feel a little bit unsure about the fatalistic and agnostic me at the beach. It was not yet dusk at that time, and the small courtyard of the residence was very quiet, and the whispering and gnawing sound of the sea three miles away could be heard clearly.There is a large cluster of pearl plums in the flower bed in the yard, and the flowers on the fragile branches are like snow.I walked back and forth alone on the square concrete path in the courtyard, thinking about some abstract problems while walking.Just like in the "Biography of Goethe", it is said that when he was in his twenties, he watched the mood of the village scene on a clock tower, and had nothing but this collection of poems at hand, but everything in the world seemed to exist for him.Jumping for all the lights, colors, sounds, and smells with one heart is more than what two strong arms can do to a woman.But it was more or less uncomfortable, as if I was waiting for something, but I didn't know what was coming. Suddenly I heard a woman's laughter from a distance, looked up, and found a young woman, wearing a yellow silk suit that fit her figure, by the side of the Canadian poplar forest beside the short wall and the sloping mountain road. Robe, across the lawn to chase a female companion.In another place, there was a No. 2 fat man who looked like a "Shanghaiese" in travel clothes, and was carrying two children, greeting them.I thought to myself, I'm afraid some banker came to see the cherry blossoms.These people lived in the first-class rooms of the No. 1 Hotel as usual, and when they went to the restaurant, they were always called "carp carp", and they even went to the fort to take a few photos.The girls probably come from Shanghai, and their clothes are very fashionable, but their minds are empty, and they don't know anything except chasing the heroine's hair style from movies, which is the highest joy in life. After a while, several experts who lived with me came back from school one after another, so they had dinner as usual.A, B, C, Ding, Xu, Ji, Geng, and Xin sat at a table, plus a strange female guest, a woman who had received a high school education in Peking and a high fashion education in Shanghai.On the surface, this woman can be said to be perfect, the ideal wife of a university professor, but on the face of it, this woman seems to be capable of literature and art.Unfortunately, when Professor B, who usually takes Baoshen pills, took a hand-rolled figure painting to admire after dinner, this beautiful female guest was particularly interested in the number of characters in the painting. The figure in the Grand View Garden took the flower purse. At night, when I think of the two terms "accidental" and "emotion", I can't help feeling a little bit aggrieved again.It seems that I, who has a plan for life and has confidence in rationality, was defeated by another me who is fatalistic and agnostic.Even if you are defeated, you still have to admit defeat, so you have to find a way to prove it.At that time, the only thing that could prove that I was able to live according to my ideal was to write something with a pen in my hand.First, I wrote some letters for a girl thousands of miles away, planning to attach the snails and mussels I accidentally got on the beach during the day to the letter. Because I described the source of these snails and mussels, I could not help but describe the scene at sea. After writing this kind of letter, I couldn't help but feel a little sad, and my heart seemed to sink into a kind of hopeless quagmire. In order to save myself, I wrote another story.I thought it was up to me to arrange my destiny very beautifully. If it is impossible, it should not be too difficult to arrange a small story.I want to try to see if I can build a novel style pavilion in the air.I created something out of nothing, and based on what I saw during the day, I reassembled it and wrote it down. I should admit that when I wrote a small part of the story, my emotions had already raised their heads.I wrote till dawn without ever leaving the table, and after twenty-three hours I ate only three hard apples. In the middle of writing, we added a title in front: .After the fifth day, the story was written successfully.Twenty-seven days later, the story was published in a Shanghai publication.When the publication was sent from Shanghai to Qingdao, several experts who lived with me felt ridiculed by me. They all thought that they were A, B, C, and D in the story, and they had no idea of ​​my intention in writing it, just organizing a dream.As for expressing the complex emotions of sexuality and psychology seen by "people" under various restrictions, I extracted several types of people with different styles from them, and used language, behavior, association, metaphor and other methods to describe it.These people still live their lives and don’t feel uncomfortable, but when they are handled so artistically by others, they seem uncomfortable instead, which I found incomprehensible at the time.Although this story caused unnecessary trouble and affected me to give up my ideal of teaching later, the common readers left a good impression because of the coincidence of the story and the title, the way of expression is quite new, and the handling of emotions is quite beautiful. And I thought that there must be such a thing, so I indexed my story according to the Shanghai customs, and both men and women have names and surnames.This kind of index is naturally unreliable, especially when it comes to women, it is close to guessing.This kind of guessing is not the main point, so I can only answer with a smile and silence.Summer is here, everyone runs to the beach, but I stay on the mountain.One day, I was walking alone under a row of sycamore trees next to the school. The sunlight filtered through the gaps between the big leaves of the sycamore trees, and the light and shadow were printed on the ground, criss-crossing. Dissolved in light and shadow.At this time, I became two opposing personalities as usual. I was a little proud and excited, "What is accident and emotion? I can do what I want to do. Palaces and castles that cannot be built with any human materials in the world could have been made successful with words. Someone used Write the history of human behavior in words. I want to write the history of my own heart and dreams. I have tried it, and I will make various experiments from other aspects." The echo was still cold, "This is not the best example. If you use the previous incident as an example, it just proves that the accident and emotion mentioned earlier actually determine the form and content of your work. You encountered a few trivial things by chance. , glued and ran through these things in the excitement of emotions, and finally wrote such a story. If you write again, you will know that you just "wanted to write" and it was not successful. Although words can build palaces and castles, but That pattern was determined by accident and emotion at another time." "It's a sophistry. Time will tell what I can do." "Don't say what you 'can' do, you don't know, what you 'want' to do, isn't it determined by the multiplication and division of chance and emotion? People should have self-confidence, but they are not allowed to go beyond that limit." "Don't emotions belong to me? Out of my control?" "It belongs to you, but it is not as rational as the accumulation of knowledge, which can be used by you. It can only be said that you belong to it, and it belongs to the physiological 'sex', and sex belongs to the accident of human chance. It can What makes your life radiant is that it is just like a star for the sun to shine in time. Can you know how much life the sun has produced on the earth, and how many different forms? Can you know how many lives are called 'Women', Under what circumstances will your life shine and your emotions become inflamed? Can you estimate that there is some life growing under the sun that at a certain time is just dominating you and accomplishing you? You don’t know all this! " "..." This seems a little too empty, just like a person swimming in the abstract, swimming around like this, naturally will not reach the ideal or the edge of reality.If it is sea water, the ups and downs and position of itself can also be inferred.Now it's just an abstraction, everything is beyond perception, so I can't help feeling a little scared.I hurriedly left the shadow of the sun under the tree, walked towards the place where the crowd gathered, and arrived at the bustling street.As a result, both of me disappeared as usual.I saw all kinds of strangers busy with everything.Shops and banks, restaurants and hairdressers, people come and go everywhere.The relationship between people has become unbelievably complicated, yet they are all controlled by money.Everywhere there are people who love and hate, laugh and scold, and make all kinds of expressions about gains and losses.left the street.When it comes to city halls and churches, one can think of this as a symbol of all kinds of competitions in history.Either use words to make classics, or use wood and stone to make huge but extremely unsightly buildings, which together support some of the opinions of the predecessors, and as usual, support the clothing of most descendants. …I don’t know how, everything turned into a caricature in front of my eyes, which is both hypocritical and vulgar, and it will continue repeatedly, and I don’t know when it will end. But I feel that life is hard work for a hundred years, although there is a lot from things, but not much from oneself. I seem to rest on this kind of emotion about human affairs, although I am tired but not very tired.I sat for a long time on the stone steps of that church facing the sea. When I came back, I wanted to get rid of those caricature impressions and unnecessary human emotions, so I used this pen again to enlarge and renovate the small and medium stories in Buddhist scriptures, and inject all kinds of delicate feelings and absurd imaginations that belong to emotional walks in my life.I believe that in order to pursue abstract principles in life, we should go beyond utilitarian gains and losses and the hierarchy of wealth and poverty to deal with life and life.I think that life can be rearranged in the future at least once, and I just try to rearrange it, so I wrote another book. Two years later, and ended my teaching life, and ended my emotional life in seaside solitude.A novel I accidentally wrote two years ago damaged the dignity of others and made it impossible for me to continue working with experts A, B, C, and D.Some snails and mussels I picked up by chance, together with a text message, were sent to another place, but they decorated another person's youthful life. My fantasy has confirmed a part of it. There is always a kind of force in life, and there is no way to get rid of it.I have arrived in Peking. One day, I walked into the spacious and luxurious living room of a family in Beiping City, where the scarlet velvet curtains and the scarlet velvet four-foot-square carpet left me stunned.I was in the middle of a set of scarlet velvet old-fashioned large sofas, and I chose a sofa near the corner of the room to sit down and watch the huge calligraphy and paintings on the tall wall opposite.Mo Youzhi Douda's split screen, Zhao "*shu Douda's heart scroll, all these seem to be specially prepared to match the living room, and they also seem to be specially prepared to oppress the guests. Everything is so big that I seem to shrink very small.I came here to bring a small gift for a relative, and I should hand the gift to the hostess face to face.After waiting for a while, the hostess never came out, but came out by "accident" from a corner of the living room. After asking, I found out that it was the family's tutor, who was also acquainted with the relatives who had entrusted him with gifts in Qingdao, and acquainted with many of my friends. Although I have never met me, I have read many stories written by me.Since the hostess was out and would not come back until later, I asked her to talk to me on the phone.We talked about the four seasons in Qingdao. Two years ago, she went to Qingdao to see the cherry blossoms. She thought that the cherry blossoms and other flowers were not better than the flowers in Beiping, but the sea was more interesting.When the hostess came back, we were talking about everything on the beach, and we talked about other things before we left with Matu, the host who looked like the beach. "Accidentally" gave me an elegant and fragile impression, a small white face, a pile of black and soft hair, a little strange and shy smile, when the pressed hair fell on the carpet, and I bent down to look for it , I seem to see a plain rainbow.Hauni has lost its color, what else is there, I don't know. "Accidental" is a book, the first story in the book, it can be said that it was written two years ago to resist "accidental". A month later, I saw "by chance" again in another simple but beautiful small living room.She said that she had read the story I wrote one hour ago, and smiled as she said it.And he turned his head slightly, and there was a little shyness in his eyes. He wanted to inquire, but it was inconvenient to speak. It seemed that the sound of turtledoves calling for rain came from afar.The small garden magnolia is in full bloom.We had some gossip, and finally Fang asked me "accidentally", "Is what you wrote about the real thing?" I said, "What is truth? I don't quite understand the literary difference between truth and untruth, and I can't tell the difference in emotion. Literature and art can only be beautiful and not beautiful. Jingwei holds a stone, a cuckoo cries blood, It doesn't matter if the situation is true or not. Don't you think so? " "I read your novel and think it's beautiful, but it's not true—it may not be true!" This kind of doubt seems to have surpassed the appreciation of literary works, what needs to be understood is the author's attitude towards life. I paused for a while, "Whether it is a story or a life, everything should be beautiful! Ugly things are not evil, but they are not pleasant. We live in this modern society, surrounded by bureaucrats, politicians, bank bosses, haircuts, etc. Masters and tailors make ugly everywhere together, but people should have a more ideal standard, and they can also meet that standard, at least allow the creation of that standard in literature and art. Because no matter what else, beauty should be a part of goodness. form!" Just as if these few empty words had hit another hobby of "Casualty", "Casualty" sighed softly. "Beautiful can sometimes be unpleasant! For example, when a person happens to be engaged, and by chance..." I said, "Oh! I know. You must feel sad after reading the story I wrote. Don't feel sad. Beauty always makes people sad, but it's still useful. It's an illusion created by my education in water and clouds at sea, not reality. Something happened!" "Accidentally" then laughed.Because my heart has been softened by the story, I suddenly realized that the weakness of the ancients had been discovered by the guests, so I naturally felt embarrassed.So he didn't say anything else, and pulled his white hands around the corners of his clothes, wrapping them tightly around his knees. The clothes I wore that day happened to be a small yellow flower silk jacket with a green background, and the cuffs were a little purple at the corners of the clothes.Maybe I thought of this kind of thing just inadvertently coincident with my story, maybe I thought the guest didn't think it was inadvertent, but thought it was intentional.Therefore, it is unavoidable to use more smiles as a polite decoration and a cover for anxiety during the response.The result gave me another impression.And I, I know, have had enough sweet melancholy in that little book last time. Something seemed to be missing when I left the modest little living room.On the Chang'an Avenue full of horse cherry blossoms and acacias, I tried to search every pocket, but I never found what was lost.Later, he turned to Zhongnanhai Park, walked a big circle on the willow embankment, and saw the shadow of clouds in the water. Fang suddenly realized that what he had lost was just the childish assertion he had lost when he was alone in Qingdao seaside gazing into the void three years ago and making various debates.If this confidence is not lost behind a lot of time, it is lost in the small living room not long ago. I sat and rested under an old willow tree, thinking of the jacket I wore "accidentally", how the colored flowers coincided with the scenery in my story.When this secret was discovered by me, what kind of weight was the slight uneasiness expressed by "accidentally"? I thought of the words I didn't say to "by chance", these words, in the "by chance" life, what kind of meaning and weight do they have, and my heart seemed to be beating a little abnormally. "Beauty always makes people sad, but it is also useful." A small golden beetle landed on the back of my hand. When I caught it and looked at it, I saw all six little feet shrunk under the metallic carapace.From the complete life of this little bug, we can see the natural coincidence and the multifaceted life forms.With a slight wave of the hand, the golden worm flew up with fluttering wings and disappeared among the lotus leaves on the vast lake.I also retain a little impression in my memory.It turns out that my heart is still very spacious, because I have filled all kinds of dreams in the past, and when I remove the dreams, I can still pretend to be many things.However, I think that if this pantheistic tendency is used to face nature, it may give me more opportunities to understand the light and color of the world; if it is used to face human affairs, it may inevitably become my weakness, especially in the current situation. Weaknesses must not be allowed to rear their ugly head under such circumstances. Therefore, I deliberately searched for some shortcomings in living habits from the impressions "accidentally" gave me, and used them to protect my weakness in temperament. ...Living in an unimaginable society, life is full of fat and powder.This kind of fat and powder gas has become a part of life, and it will become an indispensable part of life after a long time.Everything is nothing more than decoration, only focusing on increasing the effect on people, without any spontaneous deeper and farther ideals.Gentleness of temperament and literary love can also be said to be a kind of decoration.Faciality is adjacent to vulgarity, and knowledge is also adjacent to hypocrisy.Everything is trendy, but how shallow and tacky it is! ...so I felt safe.I should say it was quite safe, if nothing happened at other times.Because the shortcomings in my "accidental" life and temperament that I have experienced have always protected me, and they still have effects in any situation.But what protected me even more was perhaps another fact, a happy marriage, or the phantom of a happy marriage, which I was about to accept and confirm.This can also be said to be a coincidence, because it was the result of the conch shells picked up at sea two years ago and accidentally sent to the south.In this matter, however, I think that will and reason are wrought, just as all my pen-written stories, though bordering on legends in content, are, in my personal opinion, born out of a plan. Time passed, bringing plum blossoms, lilacs, peonies, and magnolias, all the flowers that are pleasant in color and fragrance in the north, blooming one after another in the frozen and thawing scenery.Another gentle phantom has become actual life.In a small courtyard, a locust tree and a jujube tree cover half of the courtyard. The fine and clear autumn sun shadows sieved from among the fine leaves are spread on the brick floor and reflected in the plain paper windows. A new experience and revelation for life or life.Everything seems to be in order.I thought to myself, "I've got what I want. Fame or recognition, friendship and love, it's all come to me. I have confirmed the meaning of existence from society and others.But no, I seem to have another fantasy, which is to prove the legend that I hope to achieve from my personal work.I am going to create some pure poetry, poetry that is not attached to life. A bit of the emotional backlog that family life can't quite neutralize consumes it, I need a bit of romance, a bit of painful experience out of luck, a bit of tragedy from my 'past' for the inevitable.In other words, a perfect love life cannot adjust my life, but I need to write about love in a gentle style, and write the idyll that is completely opposite to my current life, but very similar to my past emotions. Life is balanced. " So every early morning, I put down a stack of white paper on a small mahogany eight-legged square table in the courtyard, let the sunlight shine on the paper, and at the same time write some of my repressed dreams on the paper.The characters in the story, on the one hand, obtained the certainty of life from a rural woman whom they met by the North Jiushui in Laoshan Mountain, Qingdao a year ago, and on the other hand, used the bride around him as a model to obtain the simple style of character.Everything is full of goodness, yet everywhere is unfortunate.Since it is not a coincidence, the simple and good death will inevitably lead to tragedy.The story is full of slanting wind and drizzle in May, as well as the stuffy heat and loneliness in the mid-June when the summer rain is about to come.The reason why all of this can be transferred to paper can be said to be the ability obtained from the sunshine at sea in the past two years.In this way, my painful struggles in the past and the longing for love of the suppressed and unarranged country people were excreted and made up for in this unfortunate story. As I write, I always seem to be greeted by a voice that is unfamiliar in life but quite familiar in emotion: "You are escaping from a certain destiny. In fact, all your efforts are in vain. Although your pen can lead you to the 'past', it is just writing poems with stories. What is really waiting for you is the 'future' '. Do you dare to think deeper, the reason why the writing is so gentle? Do you dare to take a closer look at yourself, is it a person who can be satisfied with small gains and losses?" "I don't need to do this kind of analysis and research. My current life is very happy, and that's enough." "You think you are very happy because you respect the past, and the present is successfully arranged according to your past rationality or plan. But how can you truly be happy in self-sufficiency?Either protect with other people's shortcomings, or protect with your own phantom of happiness, both of which can be used as the changes that can happen when you are afraid of "accidentally" immersing in your life.Because 'chance' can destroy your illusion of happiness.You are afraid of the truth.So consciously it is suitable to capture abstraction with a pen. " "I'm afraid of the truth?" "Yes, you are afraid of tomorrow's facts. Or you hate all facts, so you try to stay close to the past, and sometimes you have to stay close to the abstract past, making it the anchor of your stable life." I seem to have been hit, and I have no way to continue my defense.I hoped to find my lost self-confidence, or to support the idea of ​​self-confidence, in other things; instead of finding it, I got many fragile old pottery and old china.Thanks to the experience gained through patience and hobbies, I learned the characters and artistic characteristics of these artworks from the shapes and patterns of some plates, bowls, bowls, and bowls, which are just like the experience a middle-aged person gains from various personal relationships. .Over time, for the dishes and bowls in Qing Dynasty porcelain, I can almost judge the relative age of the works by touching the edges of the bottom feet with my fingers.But all this only added to the sarcasm of another voice in my ear. "You try to use these fragile things to stabilize and balance your unrestrained life, but in the end there is no result. This can't kill your thirty-year backlog of fantasies. There is only one thing you can do, and that is to start from a more direct and effective way. On the road, discover yourself, and discover people. Somewhere there are young and gentle hearts waiting for you to accommodate your fantasies, you know that. Because you are afraid of things, you are called the good man." The voice came from nearby, It also seems to come from afar, but it is very clear, and it is not easy to disappear. When I tried to search for the people and things I passed through in my life, I realized that this and that "accident" seems to be controlling me and dominating me.Therefore, based on the impressions given to me by all "accidents", I will find out the shortcomings of each "accidental" and protect my own weaknesses.Simply because these voices come from all directions, and from different places at different times.My new book "Flower City" is out.This little book has garnered some compliments among readers, and some rare encouragement among friends.But no one knows the mood in which I wrote this work, and they don't quite understand the meaning of my writing it.That is to say, according to the criticism of my very careful friend Mr. Liu Xiwei, I can't get the reason why I use this story to fill up a little sorrow and joy in my past life.Only in this way, in my abstract sense, I got a kind of severe and ironic reproach for this work. "This is the greatest achievement of a timid, contented, escapist. Infusing passion into a story that satisfies others, secures oneself, and affirms the meaning of life in an echo of friendship. But the true meaning of life What is it? Is it temperance or unrestrained? Is it reserved or crazy? Is it a story or a fact?" "This is just a question for me to answer, and others cannot force me to answer it." But this thing has actually become a problem in my life.When the jujubes are ripe in the courtyard, seeing the small fruits tied among the twigs that have been tanned red by the sun, I can't help feeling a little bit of sadness about the timing.All life has an autumn, but it is the "autumn feeling" that comes to me.This feeling can turn a prodigal son inwardly, or make a gentleman corrupt, because a premonition of decline stimulates him or annoys him. The weather is getting colder, and I can no longer write in the sunshine in the courtyard, and it seems that I have no stories to write.As a result of being idle, I began to fall into the chaotic emotions of the country girls in the story.what do i needI don't quite understand it, and it seems that I don't dare to think about it.In short emotion has reared its head in life.It's closer to some "chance" than I'm really going Still feel scared.Because although it will not harm people, in fact it will definitely destroy me-my work ideals and a little bit of self-confidence will inevitably be destroyed in this way.The most inappropriate thing is that I still have some pre-determined plans. Although such things do not quite match my "disposition", they are almost necessary for my "life".If emotion rears its head, and a group of "accidents" let it freely infiltrate my life, it's all over.At that time, if I could write a novel, write about the collapsed rural areas according to the "Border Town Inscription", consume it, and summarize it, maybe I can get rid of many difficulties in the future.But this kind of topic didn't fit my state of mind at the time.I only escaped to enjoy copybooks again.I want to think of writing as a bundle of grass, a broken plank, as if using it to prepare me for sinking.I want to continue to struggle with the unfixed potential energy in my life, and try my best to transfer myself to a way of life that does not hinder others or me. But although I can escape my life into art, I can't leave that environment.The environment is full of young lives and "accidents" everywhere.Maybe some are avoiding each other into some kind of problem, some are avoiding each other into politeness, and some may even be close to the situation of "putting each other into this", so everyone can get a sense of security or a fact of security.But this is naturally not suitable for me.When my need is suppressed, it is easier to see its unnaturalness.At the end of the year, due to one of the "accidents", a new chance gave me a little more bizarre impression.Still so fragile and shy, decorating our meetings with a few words, a lot of smiles or silence.At that time, although the sunlight in the daytime was very thin, and the cold wind froze the air, the fire in the room was extremely warm as usual, and in the soft light beside the fire, everything could grow, especially the thing called "feeling" or "love". thing.But in order to prevent the disputes and disputes attached to this term, we call it "friendship".Anyway, one of the "chances" and my friendships are becoming more and more different.The hard work of retreating for more than a year proved to be a waste of energy within ten minutes. The defect of "accidental" is still in my memory, and it is more certain, but it can't protect me.Other "accidental" strengths can't protect me. So I gradually entered into a fierce battle, that is, the choice between rationality and emotion.But it became very clear that the rational me was finally defeated.When I first gave "accidental" a description after defeat, it must have made "accidental" There are many surprises, and I don't know how to deal with this new problem.Because if this incident comes from another "accident", it has been prepared for a long time, and it may be nothing more than a soft answer of "I knew it earlier", followed by some inevitable giving and giving. However, this matter came into the hands of an inexperienced and unprepared "chance". In her age and life, she was unable to deal with this problem, let alone the technology to deal with it.So when she felt that my fate was in her hands, she was at a loss. As for me, it seems that I am using people to educate me.I know that these are the two sides of my life, when I use it to weave stories, to see the beauty of suppressed enthusiasm, and when I use it to deal with people, it is inevitable to see the weakness of my temperament, which not only distresses myself but also troubles others.I had really given up everything that could be dealt with by common sense and allowed myself to sink into an emotional vortex. When I reviewed this "past" ten years later, I was reading a book on pathology, which should be titled: "Emotional Inflammation and Its Cure", written by a madman and a poet at the same time.There is no story in the book, only an almost abstract combination of impressions.By the time the red and white plums had all fallen in the living room, the "accidental" smile had turned into a wry smile. Knowing that this has to come to an end, pretends to be the perfection of friendship, and the proof of one's ideals, with a little sadness, a forced, bitter smile, as if to say, "I've got enough ", and went to another place. The demeanor when she left and the confusion in her mood before the event were exactly the same as a story she wrote at a certain time.The difference is only the direction to go. So I regained my stability and the opportunity to use my pen.But I no longer write romances, because life itself is a touching romance.I have read a ton of books, and there is no story more surreal than my emotional experience of grief and sorrow.I've read many stories, and many of them end with "death" and a word "go", but I guess this is not the end of my story. The second "accident" existed in another form in my life, and I read another book.As if this book came from an extremely cautious author, there is never a single sentence in the middle, never a description that stimulates others to read, and there are never bizarre events and disputes, but it is really a legend.In order to keep behind the story, the necessary recall of all stories, every chapter and every section of the book is a dialogue, which is completely opposite to the previous story with a smile and continued silence.The endless dialogues and monologues in the story are created because silence will completely destroy the structure of the story. From the monologues, it can be seen that the form of "accidental" life is given and given.Because of precautions, we both understand that when we are silent, we will think about it, when we think about it, we will search for nouns, and if we search for nouns, we will be able to separate the meanings of "friendship" and "love".As a result, the situation will change, and those who are not embarrassed will inevitably be embarrassed.So the story begins with a dialogue and ends with a monologue.The characters in the book seem to have maintained a ten-year friendship in a kind of war.Formally they were all victorious, but in fact they were all completely defeated.Because of the life that adorns the past, a little charm and arrogance, as well as a little restrained madness, are allowed in the story, but dialogue monologues are used instead in the story. When the third "accident" dipped into my life, it gave me an impression at first, that it was the graceful skills of Shanghai tailors and barbers on a young body.I think this kind of technique is only suitable for adding a little bit of amorous effect to the second-class people, and it is not necessary for "chance".Therefore, in order to remove these artificial techniques in silence, I see the perfection and delicacy that nature bestows on a young body.The strangest thing is that there is no passion here, it can be said that there is no passion, only art.My position is that of an art connoisseur.I am concerned only with a form of life, and a form of natural morality.There is no conflict, beyond gains and losses, I know God and beauty from a person's body, and so far, I have never used other methods to destroy this impression of God and beauty.It can be said that it is a legend with complete pictures, but there is no text in it.Only in this way, this legend is also so solemn that I cannot describe it in words.The only thing that can reproduce this sublime and beautiful emotion is music.But a slight sigh, a fixed look, a little retreat mixed with love and resentment, or a slight approach of gratitude and worship, a kind of simplicity that symbolizes the ultimate in morality, and a kind of amazement that expresses astonishment, the music can't help but be complete here. Lost meaning.The legend is... I am employing people to educate me, as if I have read some legends of different genres one after another.Most of this opportunity is proved by a bunch of stories I have written before. I am honest and careful, and I am uniquely able to discern life and understand people's hearts, and I know the fine line between solemnity and vulgarity. Abuse, so I can read these wonderful books. But to measure all this, of course, I used the ruler and scales I brought with me from the country.If my weaknesses and my frankness are measured by the weights that the general society is used to, the meaning of my existence and the value of my existence have long been lost.Because I may have read these chapters that should not be mentioned in "accidental". However, it is precisely because the weakness and the frankness are manifested in the character or personality, so pure and clear, that I have seen miracles in marriage.Amidst successive setbacks, the housewife has been able to retain that phantom of happiness and confirm it in other ways.This kind of thing seems incomprehensible to others, just like the situation described in a short story I wrote on this issue: "When two people are called 'marital couple' in front of acquaintances, they smile to express 'also like enemies'; Or when acquaintances are called "enemies" in the air, they still use a smile to say that they are "really married couples"", from my own point of view, it is also very natural.This must be the case simply because it is understood that "strengths" and "weaknesses" are differences in the way life is used.Everything is based on understanding.I am a skylark, I often fly very high and far into the blue sky, and to a certain extent, I finally fall down and return to my old nest. Another four years later, the war completely changed the world map and human history. At the same time, from a very small point, it also recreated the relationship between people and the position of this person in that person's heart. A clever and sensitive girl, when she is a little older, will naturally be glad to have the trust of a friend, and still more to receive from a friend a little madness expressed by a mixture of melancholy and enthusiasm, which is divided, and used as a foundation for the rest of her youth. Embellishment, and proof of tomorrow's youth disappearing review.If there are still some good impressions in the past, the overlapping of impressions will naturally make people have to change a way in giving and receiving, and it can be seen that tolerance on certain things is inevitable, and taboo on certain things is inevitable. Necessary, virtually gave up the momentary vigilance and defensiveness in the past.Therefore, if the rainbow and the stars are in sight, I can reach out and pick them at will.But what I pay attention to extract, it should be said, is a form of pursuit of abstract principles in my own life.I just hope how to retain this enthusiasm into the text.As for love or friendship itself, it is no longer so thrilling to approach it.I understand "people" a little more, and I also understand myself a little more.I have discovered the beauty of moderation in the "safe" way one "accidentally" used to be.In another "accidental" way of "self-forgetfulness" that I have seen so far, I discovered the beauty of loyalty again.In the third "accidental" way of "cautious" hope in the future, I also found the beauty of courage and wisdom in modesty and retreat. ...There are many choices in life, so I can't help being a little conscious of "you know how little you read when you get old".I still need to learn, learn a little "life" from more unfamiliar books and a few familiar people. As a result, "I" becomes a meaningless word again, because it soon disappears completely into "accidental" smiles and such smiles. After losing "I", I know "God" and the majesty of God.A spot of yellow sunlight on the wall, a little flower and grass in the courtyard, a star in the blue sky, everything that everyone has the opportunity to see, approach it with ordinary emotions.For me, because they are embedded in my memory at the same time as the "accidental" life at a certain time, their brilliance and color seem to have divinity and become a kind of miracle.Not only these things that have been immersed in my life for a while with "accidental" contain a kind of divinity, that is, for all natural scenes, when I meditate on their own existence and the delicate relationship with the universe alone, I can feel the vitality of life. solemn.A religious emotion inspired by the beauty and love of creatures, growing in silence, cannot be generalized. Because of a part of my life, I completely disappeared in the conversion to all nature.This simple emotion is likely to be shared by all living things when their lives are harmonious, and it must be indispensable for higher-level creatures.Yet when man retains this feeling, great religions, or all works of art of exquisite and emotional depth, arise.As for me, I write nothing and say nothing.All my faculties seemed to experience the most delicate sensations in a new education. I used this emotion of "knowing from the depths" to write stories, and it was not accidental that this work was detained and unable to be published.Because from the general requirements, it is not necessary to dig so deeply into the description of war. I live in the countryside, and because of some kind of work, I often leave everyone alone and pass through a field about seven miles wide.If you follow the zigzag of the diversion channel, you can see that there are countless small fish and insects in the perennially fresh gurgling water.There are more clusters of wild Arrowhead mushrooms growing in the advection area. Although the arrow-shaped leaves are smaller than those grown in the field, the small white flowers are very lively.The flowers are like narcissus, with white petals and yellow stamens, in a small cluster, standing up from the center.On the side of the road, there is a clump of wild grasses of thistle family, with emerald blue flowers blooming, which are more elegant and refined than forget-me-not grass, making people's eyes bright and refreshing, like facing a cloudless blue sky.After the flowers wither, they form countless small thorn balls, which are easy to carry to another place for breeding with the help of wild animals and domestic dogs.If you walk along several other small roads, in the broad bean and wheat fields, purple primroses grow everywhere as usual, the flowers are fine and charming, and they also bring a lot of white powder.It withers within half an hour after picking it. Because life is so beautiful and fragile, it makes people feel the divinity of living things to survive and reproduce.On the fields covered with colorful and small flowers on both sides, and pairs of black and white feathers can be seen at any time, and the unusually clean bird-backed birds are slightly surprised when they see people, flying up and shaking their small long tails, Up and down in the bean and wheat fields, it seems to be full of the joy of life.There is also the hoopoe bird with a big velvet crown, covered with miscellaneous hair, a pair of small eyes staring at people obsessively, until when someone approaches, Fang Weisai hurriedly spreads his wings and flies away.The local seedling fields are not used for other purposes according to custom.Except for raising seedlings in March, they are immersed in a piece of shallow water all year round, and the other small fields where the lotus root is planted with arrowhead mushrooms are often in a piece of water.Regardless of the weather, there are three or two bald-tailed egrets with shrunken shoulders in the fields as usual, quiet and lonely, waiting and looking for something in the mud.There is another kind of gull-shaped water bird. When walking in the field, the feathers on the shoulders and back are all beautiful peach gray, smooth and silky. Sometimes hundreds of them fly in the air and play games. A burst of bright star points, turbulent under the blue sky.There is a flowing water running through the small village, and people use thorny flowers as fences beside the mud walls on the surface of the water. With rain and dew, clusters of small white flowers often hang down on people's heads, and they have to be teased to pass through.In the small river ditches under the trees, there are often children catching squid and mussels, or watering each other naked for fun.The old lady in the village is sitting by the sunny earth wall full of beehives to keep warm. In the corner of the house, someone can hear the sound of someone pounding rice slowly with a big stone pestle.After passing through the small village, there is another flat field. When the cauliflower blooms, the eyes are yellow and the nose is fragrant.The dirt road is not very wide, and when the ponies laden with wheat flour and ponies laden with shochu pass by the oncoming people, the drivers who drive the horses to escort the goods shout "Let the horse" far behind the horses, and never lead the horses in front of the horses. let people.Therefore, pedestrians must follow the rules to go up the field and wait for the horse to pass by before starting on the road.In the yellow flat fields of cauliflower, you can still see neat rows of flax, which seem to be completely for decoration. They are planted in the middle row by row, and at the thin and fragile end, there are small emerald blue flowers blooming, with the flower heads slightly facing It hangs down, with its small mouth open like a lily of the valley, graceful and bright, smiling like a bee or bug in the sun, "Come, kiss me, there is honey here!..." There are miracles as far as the eye can see, and from all these can be found the laughter of "accidental" friendship and the fragrance of love. On the other hand, there are naturally slight invisible jealousies, unreasonable worries, intentional distances