Chapter 15 Xiaochun weather

one It seems that a long time has passed since I became estranged from the pen and inkstone.I have lost all sense of time these days.In short, the two or three letters from home from the south asking me why I never write letters are piled up on my desk, which can be used as a clear proof that I have been careless for a long time.So counting from the beginning, it has been more than a year since I published the last whole few words, and it has been at least two or three months since the five fingers of my right hand were thrown away from paper and pen.Comparing this year or three months with the length of heaven and earth, it is probably only half a hair on a camel; but due to congenital deficiencies, acquired losses—this is what our Chinese doctors often say, and I use it in this way. Here, please don’t laugh at me——I’m an insignificant person, living in the sea of ​​people in the imperial city where the north wind is cold, and I have suffered all kinds of bullying and insults, but I was able to go through such a long period of time without incident Time, however, is one of the greatest miracles since Moses.

Looking back on the years of this year, it is really long!On the long and long autumn night, I was walking around in the six-foot-square bedroom alone, thinking of my woman, thinking of my friend, thinking of my dim Future, how many short and long cigarettes have you smoked?When I couldn't sleep, I took the candle by myself, and ran to the kitchen with my feet and hands to cook some chicken and duck to drink, not only three or five times.But looking back at that time now, the restless and anxious expression after first arriving in Beijing at that time was just like a childhood nightmare, and it seems that it has been more than ten years since the past. Am I long or not?

This extraordinarily long time is not only a matter of consciousness, but in fact, this year, both my physical and mental aspects, have been imprinted by this time that people think is short, but to me it is a long time.The few poor friends who sent me on board at the head of the Huangpu River in October last year, if they met me on the way at this moment this year, they would probably see me, and they would just give me a glance, and they would definitely not change. Walk forward normally. (Although I prayed silently in my heart, so that I met them, don’t know them too!) In the middle of this year, my aging weather really hit me too fast, fast, really fast . Let's not use the first-class, exaggerated metaphor of "white hair three thousand feet long", let's just subtract it and subtract it for a discount. During this year, I have indeed aged at least ten years.My teeth have also fallen out, and my memory has also faded. In the morning when I shaved my mustache in the mirror, I would look back in amazement every day, thinking that what was reflected in the mirror was another person standing behind me who was not under forty. half-year-old.The belt around the waist was full of holes shrinking inward one by one. Later, the ready-made holes were not enough, so the drill had to be reused to make new ones, and now it has reached the second one.What saddens me the most is that when people bully me and insult me, the kind of anger that was easy to arouse in the past can't be aroused now.Not only that, but when I feel that I have suffered the greatest humiliation, I don't know where a funny feeling comes from, which always makes me smile knowingly.Needless to say, all kinds of delusions in my youth have long since faded away. Now I can't even think about the survival of my own women and children, or the health of my mother; In the car, I just want the driver to go to a place facing the sun—because I am suddenly afraid of the cold now—go slowly, so that I can fully watch the pedestrians on the street and the various forms of the modern Datong world. .Tired of watching, tired of walking, and running home, I just want to get something delicious to eat, and while eating, I have to figure out how to make these delicious things eat without being full, because I have bad teeth, indigestion, and I am afraid that I will not be able to eat delicious food all day long.

two What we have here right now is the best October of the year.Jiangbei Jiangnan, it is the time of Xiaochun.Besides, the world is Datong. On the Dongyang carts, ox carts, and horse carts, the flags of all countries in the world except the five-color flags are fluttering in the breeze. The sky is blue, high and far away, not only us all The sound of singing, laughing and dancing cannot reach the ears of heaven, even our wailing and weeping are tens of millions of folds away from the ears of Jehovah.Born in such a peaceful and prosperous age, I should also drink a cup of birthday wine to celebrate Nanshan in the setting sun of Chang'an, but for some reason, since yesterday, a layer of fog has suddenly appeared in my heart like a mirror .

Looking up at the blue sky, the air is terribly clear; the sunlight scattered everywhere seems to say something terrible to me, but because I love me and love me, I dare not say it right away.There were countless fallen leaves under my feet, and suddenly there was a rustling sound. When I lowered my head and looked at the place where the sound came from, I couldn't see any movement. This was probably our backyard. The locust tree I was looking for got rid of the burden of another leaf.It was about ten o'clock in the morning, and all the family members had gone out. I couldn't sit still in the house alone, so I wandered into the yard, but after standing in the yard for a while, I felt nothing. Meaning, the little melancholy that came over last night still hangs over my chest.

When half a year ago, every day was just a continuous period of melancholy, I had the leeway to enjoy this kind of melancholy. Now my fragile body and mind, which cannot even enjoy happiness, are suddenly contaminated with this layer, although it is very light, But it also seems to be a deep hidden worry, I just feel uneasy sitting and standing.There is no way: I just smoked several cigarettes in a row.Is it the provision of the gods?It's still my star's destiny. At this moment of helplessness, the doorbell rang.Mr. G, a kid, came in with a watercolor bookshelf and said: "Duff, I want to go to the suburbs to sketch, you can also go for a walk with me in the suburbs!"

Mr. G is under 20 years old, and he is a very lively young painter. Because I also like to look at paintings, he always comes to me to talk to me about painting.According to him, "The weather is so nice today. Sitting at home is too disrespectful to nature. It's better to go out for a walk." I changed my clothes, walked out with him, and told the concierge, "I don't want to eat lunch. I can't describe the joy I feel when I tell everyone not to wait for me." three We didn't have a definite destination, but when we reached the road, we naturally headed west and left Pingzemen.Sunshine doesn't matter inside or outside the city, it's abundantly sprinkled there.At the small stall near the city gate, the peddler who spreads peanuts there, probably because of the wide jacket he is wearing, feels that it also reflects a taste of autumn.The tea drinkers in the teahouse and the passers-by on the road, in such a warm sunshine, always have a look of poverty on their faces; when I look at these people, I feel a little uncomfortable again, so I Ask Mr. G to avoid the streets outside the city and turn north along the city.On the long embankment under the city that often comes here in summer, there are very few large vehicles passing by today.The willows beside the road have also changed their color and their shadows have faded away.The shallow water in the city river still reflects the sky and reflects the sunlight. In fact, it is no different from summer, but I feel that there is always a feeling of loneliness floating on the water.Looking up at the opposite bank, there are rows of half-withered forests criss-crossing in the air.The color of the earth is not like the spring onion in summer. The light grass on the ground has all withered, and it has turned pale yellow.The roof of the French church also seemed to have lost its power, standing alone in the half-withered woods.Same as in summer, there is only a row of peaks in the west.Probably because of the extraordinarily clear air today, this row of bright brown barriers seems much closer, indeed much closer than usual.In addition, what permeates the sky is only the bright blue and clear air, the long and vast sky and the full sunshine, the warm sunshine.On the other bank, two soldiers in gray uniforms suddenly walked out.They dragged two slanted shadows and walked south silently.When I saw them, I remembered the robbery outside Pingze's gate a few days ago, so I said to Mr. G:

"I think it's too vast here to capture the scenery. Let's go into the city! Let's go to a small restaurant and have lunch." Mr. G looked at it for a while, then smiled at me and said: "Recently, for some reason, there is an inexplicable and mysterious inspiration that often flashes in my mind. I can't do it today, without paint and paint. Here comes the oil painting guy," he said, pointing to the church in the distance with his hand, and at the same time went on to say: "Sometimes I want to paint the religious paintings in the church." "That's great!"

Maomaohuhu replied like this, and I changed direction and walked slowly back to the city.After a few steps behind, he carried the painting tools on his back and walked slowly towards me. Four After drinking two catties of rice wine, I was full.Mr. G and I were in the rickshaw, and when we were taken to Taoranting, the sun had already slanted.I was a little drunk at first, but after being baked by the afternoon sun, I sat in the car, and my eyes gradually became hazy.The rickshaw drove all the way through Fenfang Liuli Street, passed several uneven new land, and when I entered the Nanxiawa wilderness, I looked to the right and saw a few rows of roof tiles, half hidden and half visible on both sides. Jumping in the woods around.The sky is still dark and bottomless, and the miscellaneous grains in the wilderness have been cut. Looking around, there is only the afternoon sun like a flood, and the small mandala city lying far away in the sun.I opened my sleepy eyes, looked around, and suddenly smiled and said to Mr. G: "The sky is full of autumn, and Hu Weijun travels far away. These two lines of Tang poems are really interesting. If today is the day you go to France, I will be here." If you do your best, then I am afraid that there will be no more suitable sentences than these two poems, haha..."

After only drinking half a small glass of wine, Mr. G, whose face was already flushed, smiled and said to me: "Tang poetry is not such two sentences, you remember wrong!" The two laughed and said in the car, the rickshaw had already entered the reed bushes near Taoranting, a piece of gray hair, even if there was no wind, it was making waves there.There are some faint green hills in the western sky, as if smiling and nodding to us there.When I got out of the car, I felt that I couldn’t take it any longer, so I said to Mr. G: “I want to go to Taoranting to sleep and you can draw here! It’s only past two o’clock now, and I’ll come to you when I wake up. "

Fives Tao Ranting's footman came to shake me when I woke up; the west window was already filled with red setting sun.I washed my hands and face, drank two bowls of green tea, and came down from the steps to the east. I saw the black shadow of Tao Ranting, which had crossed the road to the east and covered a large area of ​​reed flower water on the east side of the road.Walking to the north, I saw a vast expanse of white reed flowers in front, back, left, and right.In the corner of Baobingtang in the northwest, the shadows are expanding, and the high place on the west side is full of the last rays of the setting sun, urging the farmers to rest there.Passing through the east side of the mound of the parrot mound, in the middle of a shallow water and the cemetery, I recognized the shadow of Mr. G facing the setting sun from a distance.When I approached Mr. G from the wild road covered with reed flowers, I suddenly couldn't breathe out, and stared westward.I have never seen such a grand, such an enchanting vista of a sunset.The sun is only about a foot away from the mountain, and the distant mountains are fainter than the tender grass in early spring, more illusory.A high pavilion in the prison juts out from the branches of many harmonious trees.The shallow water of reed roots is full of velvet ears of reed flowers, neither like piles of velvet, nor like the Milky Way.When Lu Ping opened, a narrow and golden sun suddenly reflected, rushing high and high.The same tufts of reed velvet flying and falling in this reflection are half red and half white.I stared to the west for a few minutes, then looked back to the northeast for a few minutes, and suddenly forgot everything, even my own body. I walked forward a few steps, and in the dark, I saw Mr. G's hands, which were busy moving. I called out, but Mr. G didn't turn his head, and said to me in a hurry: "Come on, come on, come on!" Look at my masterpiece!" I went closer and took a look. What was hanging on his easel was not the sunset, nor the reed flowers. In the middle of the painting, it was a road with very dull color that was slanting to the right.Beside the road is a gloomy cemetery. Behind the cemetery, there are many gray and black withered ancient trees, crossing the space.In the dead wood forest, the half-curved waning moon has just risen, and the cold moonlight vaguely illuminates the half body of an owl resting on a branch in the cemetery.Although the colors are not complete yet, a forceful cold air is sprayed from this unfinished picture directly to the face of the viewer. I tightened my brows, watched the picture silently for a few minutes, raised my head and looked straight at the viewer. When I wanted to speak, I felt that the sun had completely set, and the twilight around me was more urgent than a moment ago.What frightened me especially was that when I looked up, there was also a very faint black shadow in our northwest cemetery, which moved.I paused silently for a while, and after my shock had settled down, I turned my head to look at the eastern sky, only to see a crescent moon hanging in the sky on the fifth and sixth day of the lunar month.After stopping for a while, I suppressed my panic, and then I slowly said to Mr. G: "This little painting is indeed your masterpiece, an unfinished masterpiece. It's too late, get up quickly, let's go! I feel very cold." Before I finished speaking, I looked at his painting again One glance gave me a cold convulsion, and suddenly I felt my hairs stand on end; at the same time, the inexplicable melancholy that had been entrenched in my chest since yesterday enveloped my heart again. Mr. G smiled contentedly, and closed one eye—this is his temper—to look at his unfinished masterpiece.I urged him several times before he got up to pack the painting tools.As the two of us walked slowly home, he too seemed tired and was unwilling to talk, and I too was overwhelmed by that melancholy and did not want to talk.The two walked silently to a place with many brightly lit private houses. G Junfang asked me: "The title of this painting, I want to call it "Sunset in the Last Autumn", do you think it is good?" "Isn't the expression on the painting a scene in the middle of the night? Why is it called sunset?" Hearing my words, he smiled mysteriously and said: "This is the mysterious inspiration I talked to you about this morning! The paintings I draw always like to set the titles according to the emotional seasons when I paint them. I don't care whether the pictures and the titles match." "Then, "The Sunset of Remnant Autumn" also feels too bleak, besides, it's already October, and it's October's Xiaoyangchun, so what is Remnant Autumn?" "Then my painting should be called "Little Spring"!" At this time, we had entered a lively side street, and each of us hired a foreign car. When we broke up and came back, the new moon was already rising very high.I was swayed back and forth by myself and was dragged home, passing many dark alleys where no one came and went.On the empty tunnels in the alleys, there are only black shadows of houses and electric poles lying there vertically and horizontally.When turning from the brightly lit Qu Street to such a secluded place suddenly, anyone will have a strange feeling. I looked around under the twilight of the early moon, and suddenly seemed to have encountered something. , the inexplicable melancholy in my heart deepened. (1924) On the seventh day of October in the thirteenth year of the lunar calendar