Chapter 15 i don't think of you

Little A: I didn't miss you very much, but suddenly Japanese dramas started to play on TV again, and those familiar tones appeared in the summer when we had not graduated many years ago.I still remember you throwing your head back and drinking a Coke and laughing.Said that one day I would also go to step on that piece of land.Then no one thought that a joke at the beginning would really become a reality now.Or maybe you didn't take it as a joke, you were talking very seriously, but I wasn't listening seriously. It's already winter in Shanghai, and now it's very cold when you open the windows.Although it is only halfway through November, many times I have the illusion that as soon as I open the curtains, I will see thick snow. I repeat this imagination day after day, and then repeat this day after day Imagine, then be disappointed day after day.Because we have never seen it since we were young, Sichuan is a place where it is too difficult to snow, and the black basin is so warm and humid all year round.It’s just that you went to Japan many years later, and you can see a lot of snow every winter, so I am not reconciled, because I have wanted to surpass you since I was a child, and I want to compare with you in everything. I will compare with you The grades are better, who writes more beautifully, who has better clothes, who plays badminton better, but you have always been stronger.So until now I have never defeated you, and now I even have less chance to see snow than you.Really frustrating.But if you can come back, I don't think it doesn't matter if it snows or not?I don't think of you who loves to wear white clothes just because I think of snow, and I don't miss you very much.

I haven't listened to music for a long time, and I hardly even listen to the cello.I feel like the world is getting louder and louder, and there is hardly any time for silence.And silence is a luxury. I remember that your life was like that many years ago, you didn’t like to talk, you didn’t like to be noisy, you didn’t like to chat with people, you would bring a book when a group of people went out to play, and you would sit down when everyone was toasting and carnival. Read a book quietly.I took your book away and handed you the karaoke microphone, and within a few minutes you gave the microphone to someone else to read the book again.

But many years later, all this changed. I began to write my own memories and write about my life. I actually chose a so-called writer, which is a ridiculous profession, and you told me about Japan in e-mail. There are so many karaoke shops in China. In fact, I really want to tell you that I secretly read a lot of books before, because I don’t want to lose to you. When you mention a certain author, I will proudly say "I have also read his "XXXX" book", When I said that, I felt quite stinky, and I felt so proud.And you always laugh without saying a word, which I probably take as a mockery, so it's not uncommon for you to roll your eyes.It's just that after so many years, when I think of the smiles I used to have, what I think about the most is, what do those smiles represent?Because I gradually understand that you will never laugh at me.And never mocked.

I didn't suddenly think of the books you left on the whole bookshelf at my house. You asked the moving company to move to my house when you left. I just suddenly wanted to know what that smile meant. Miss you. That day I passed by the entrance of Shanghai University of Finance and Economics again, and I was actually sitting in a BMW 7-series car owned by a certain boss. I still remember that when the BMW 7-series came out, I was very excited and wrote to you to describe the resentment in my heart. I'm still talking about how there are so many rich people in the world that they look abnormal.But in a blink of an eye, I was calmly traveling around Shanghai, the most prosperous city in China, in the BMW 7 Series.And as long as I am happy, I can easily transfer money from the card to buy a car to drive myself.But why don't you say I can't be happy?How can I not be happy when I see its streamlined body, see the blue and white checkered logo in front of it, and hear the sound of it starting?

When I passed Shanghai University of Finance and Economics, I happened to see a group of students coming out of it. I don’t know why in this winter, it’s not the summer of graduation. They would shake out of it wearing a bachelor’s suit and a bachelor’s hat, and they were performing a stage play wholeheartedly. ?It's just that I saw them suddenly think of the tone you called me. It was a rare day in a year when I went back to Sichuan. The scorching summer gradually passed, and the typhoon couldn't blow over, but I knew that a huge wind would land in Shanghai. You called my home in Sichuan, you said that you are about to graduate and you have got two accountant licenses and other licenses, you said that the boss of a certain consortium appreciates you very much, as long as you graduate, you can go there I work for a well-known foundation in Japan. If you ask me if you are doing well, you must be happy. I wish you happiness.

So I wanted to ask "When are you going to come back?" I finally didn't ask.If you want to wish me happiness, what will you do when you come back?Maybe you'll come back on my wedding day.But maybe you're getting married the day I get married.Because I have been comparing with you since I was a child, the auspicious day you choose must be the best, since I can't choose a better one, at least I am as good as it.So we will probably get married on the same day.A lot of words are left unsaid, I think, if I don’t say it, you should know it too. You definitely don't know how strong I have become now, and how many people in China know my name.That's all you have no way of knowing I'm just telling you I'm starting to write a book now and it seems to be pretty popular.But maybe you can also find some news about me on the Internet.I have no way of knowing whether you really don't understand everything about me now.I used to always think that you were very strong, always imitating your tone and learning your attitude in dealing with things, and even comparing with you who stayed up late to compare whose reference books were done more.The reason why I used to be a student with excellent grades turned out to be so simple.

But after you left, I became very lonely. I always feel that the people around me are not as good as me. They are not as famous as me. Without me, I can make money without me. I can’t play badminton well, and even tell jokes that are not as funny as me .I lost the goal of moving forward but I didn't want to stop so willingly, so I always shouted at myself. I admit that I am a person who wants to save face. I am exhausted to let myself keep improving and surpassing. To reach one peak after another in life. So I wrote one novel after another and they sold better and better. It’s not that I’m getting better and better, but I’m getting more and more panicked. Now I’m rewriting 10 times, 14 times, and finally 20 times. , just because I am afraid that one day I will no longer be good, and because I am afraid that one day people will choose to give up and forget me, and because I don't know how well you grew up on the other side of the ocean.

I don't know if I have reached a place where you can praise me for being great. I don't know because of this, so I have been living stubbornly.I remember what you said to me before, that the strongest people cry the hardest behind their backs. I didn't understand many years ago, but many years later, I chewed my words every day and night until I chewed them out and swallowed them into my stomach.This sentence is like a coptis, so bitter that drinking any sugar water will not help.Only now have I discovered that you can actually speak very viciously, but those words have an extremely ordinary face, so I ignored the past when I made the speech, and then recalled it shaken and shaken after many years.

I only suddenly recalled that there was such a prophecy-like sentence in my life, and it wasn’t because I thought of you who said it, and I didn’t miss you very much. In fact, sometimes I feel that those migratory birds are so stupid. Every year, they work hard to fly from the north to the south, and then come back again in the next spring.Why don't they stay in the south all the time?Just like you, go and never come back.Thinking about it later, it was because they were not as smart as you. You have been a very smart kid since you were a child.When I graduated from elementary school, there were 22 certificates on my wall, and you had 31.

Do you still like cherry blossoms?I don't like it now anymore, it's kind of boring because I watch too much on TV and never see it in real life.Now I am beginning to like the camphor trees that are planted all over the campus in middle school.The tall and silent camphor is very much like you once stood in front of the school canteen, you once took out your wallet to buy a Coke, you once bought a hanger and went back to the dormitory to dry the washed shirts, and you once gave up because you didn’t bring any money. I was thirsty and wanted to drink water, so I asked a girl to borrow three dollars, and then that girl began to write love letters to you crazily; you once stood on the sidelines because you couldn’t buy a kind of candy you like that I can’t name The gray face of the former grocery store, you once went shopping and your wallet was stolen and you were sad for a whole month.And it just so happens that that wallet was a gift from me for your sixteenth birthday.And then I wanted to buy a new one to give away, but found that the three-fold canvas wallet was out of stock in the city.Then it was out of stock and out of stock until you left and went to more and more distant places one after another. I still haven't found that kind of wallet.

How unlucky do you think I am? It seems that many summers have been experienced in a flash. Since I left those camphor trees, I feel that the summer has become incandescent and unbearably hot. I wonder if Japan is like this?In the summer now, I don't want to go out at all when I stay at home or in the studio. There are groups of happy and happy young people outside under the sun.Sitting in the car after going out to do some work today, a female writer I liked suddenly said to me a long time ago, she said that you can see that Chinese characters are amazing, one word cannot be completely replaced by another, you can see happiness and happiness So similar, but is a happy person a happy person? This sentence left me speechless.When I was thinking about yes or no, I changed the topic early and changed the topic. She is also a Gemini. She is hot for three minutes. She won't remember what she said. The person who said it is not serious, but the person who listens is serious. Is it true that I used to be like this, I said a lot, and you remembered everything in your heart?In order to make a speech, you are writing to me now and talking about the many things I said before, I can't remember at all.Did I really say that?I didn't suddenly recall the easy or heavy topics we used to talk about, but I was suddenly bumped into some memories by that girl, and I didn't miss you very much.Do you still remember the brand CK? You were the first person to wear CK in front of me. At that time, I was a poor student, so when you told me that it was like 600 yuan, I crusaded your luxury and lamented the gap between rich and poor in China all day long.And now, many years later, you don't know how much I like CK, just because I saw you wearing that white T-shirt standing under the camphor tree many years ago, with two schoolbags in your hand, you Yours and mine, you stood under the tree for half an hour waiting for me to take the sketch plus test to go home together. So now I am wearing CK and walking on the street, always thinking that I will see that boy in a white T-shirt looking around at a certain moment, a certain corner, a certain traffic light.I am not late now, I am now starting to wait for someone earlier than the appointment time, because I know that no one will wait for me like that, standing at the appointed place and looking around, so now I am repeating what you were like back then , Waiting for others to appear, let a person see someone looking around and waiting for him, he will definitely feel happy, right?I didn't suddenly think of your extravagant dress, it's just that I was bored and wanted to talk to you when I was waiting for someone, and I didn't miss you very much. Do you still love to sing in the shower?Do you still maintain this habit that makes me laugh so much?At that time, I was watching the concert in the living room, but the sound on the TV was not as loud as you singing in the shower.In fact, you can sing pretty well, but you can’t distinguish the occasion. When you go out to sing karaoke, you always keep your voice out, so no one will ever miss what I said, you sing really well. And now I take a bath and soak in the bathtub for an hour or two without moving. I don’t want to talk or change my posture. In such a quiet and small space, I seem to be able to see the slow pace of time trampling across the ceiling. I always think of the love of singing in the bath. Dear you, I suddenly understand that a person who can sing in the shower must have no pressure in life, and he must live a happy and contented life.I didn't suddenly think of you and your ridiculously large bathroom, it's just that when I took a shower, I felt that the surroundings were too quiet, so I was talking to myself, and I didn't miss you very much. I suddenly want to tell you one thing, you will definitely laugh at me, that is, when I write this letter, I have been listening to the song "The Name of Angel" in Zhao Wei's new album.I remember that she was already popular before you left, but you don’t know, after you left, she is no longer that little swallow, she is now Zhao Wei, I have always liked her until now, looking at her Falling all the way, getting up again, falling down and then standing up gritted my teeth, I was shocked, and then found that I seemed to be the same as her or even more stubborn than her. Did I ever tell you I like strong people?Maybe it's because I'm not strong enough, so I hope to live beside such a radiant person and be illuminated by his/her light.But there is always no light around me, and the darkness is boundless and dark, so I can only work hard to become a shining star, but if I accidentally become brighter and brighter, it will make people feel more dazzling.Everyone looks up to you and envies that you can shine brightly in the dark night sky, but no one knows that when a star gets brighter and brighter, it is not far from death. Alright, alright, I’m going so far, I still haven’t got rid of the old problem, I will forget that I am willing to listen to what I want to say.I want to tell you that I am 21 years old, but this 21-year-old man cried because he heard the line in "The Name of Angels": "Because I miss you and blow towards you gently" It's a mess.You bent over laughing heartily. You and I should be living jet lag now, right?But you definitely can't guess how much time difference we have to Yi.It's not because your geography is bad, I know your geography score was 100 when you graduated, but because I'm now living a day and night life upside down, going to bed at 7 in the morning and getting up at 7 in the evening.Then hang around the studio all night.There is no one in the whole night, everyone is sleeping, only I am walking back and forth in the space of 144 square meters like a ghost, and in the whole day, I am sleeping again, I seem to be living a life, the whole world has died I am alone. So I started to have a bit of a nervous breakdown.Late at night, I was discussing with someone on the Internet which method of suicide is better, and the tone of that person and I were very serious.He said that after taking sleeping pills, people will starve to death instead of sleeping to death, because in the end people will wake up but will not have any strength. They will not have the strength to open their eyes or make a sound. You can hear the people around you. Crying is calling for you, but there is no strength to respond, so everyone thinks you are dead, and then you end up starving to death. And then I asked him what about cutting his pulse?He said that although soaking the incision in hot water does not hurt, but when one-third of the blood is lost, the whole body will start to cramp, and the pain is so painful that you would rather die. Why do you think I suddenly thought of such a thing?But don't worry now, I have already started to adjust the time difference.I didn't suddenly think about the time difference between Japan and China. I just wanted to tell you that if you want to commit suicide one day, don't use the two methods I mentioned above. I don't want you to be so painful.It's just that you will never want to commit suicide, right? I forgot to tell you that I was putting out the bathwater as I wrote this and now that the water is out I am going to take a shower.I don't want to write to you to complain because I have a hard life recently, a lot of pressure, and I often cry for no reason. You know, you know, you know. Be strong, I just suddenly heard the sound of Japanese TV dramas on the TV and remembered the situation when we watched Japanese dramas together many years ago, that day you ate watermelon and dripped the watermelon juice on that beautiful CK white T-shirt , I only suddenly remembered the way you screamed, I didn't miss you very much. Finally, I forgot to ask, A, when do you think I will mature before I learn not to lie to myself? Guo Jingming (Did you know? These three words are so valuable now, haha)