Chapter 4 Youth·Flowers·Unforgettable

Those things that we thought we would never forget, are forgotten by us in the process of our obsession. --Gu Xiang·Inscription 1 The weather in Shanghai has changed a lot recently. Yesterday I was still wearing a short-sleeved white T-shirt, and today I was wrapped up in a long black trench coat.I rode a bicycle through the sparsely populated campus of Shangda University. 90% of the students in Shangda University are from Shanghai. During the holidays, the buildings are empty. Every time I am on the weekend, I feel that there is nothing more This is a more suitable place for ghost movies.It is raining today, and the rain is falling from the top of the head. It is not very heavy, but it makes people feel sad.My hair was full of tiny raindrops. When I passed by the entrance of the supermarket, I saw my shadow in the French window, as if my hair was white, and I laughed for a moment.

After I finished laughing, I braked suddenly, stopped, and looked up at the sky. I suddenly thought: Why should I laugh? A long skid mark on the white concrete.rain.green tree.Me with messy hair on a bike.It feels like a beautiful MV. 2 I used to be afraid to hear the word old, and I have been afraid to hear it since junior high school.In fact, if you think about it carefully, the word old should not be in the mind of a fourteen or fifteen-year-old child. Children of this age should think of McDonald's and Coke, CD players and never-ending exams. At that time, I was with little A, and the whole weight of my life seemed to be on him.Because to me he was an elder who taught me everything and pampered me in everything.I can sleep when I don’t want to go to class, lie on the wooden desk and bask in the sun, with the smell of wood in my nose.I always fell asleep very deeply, because I knew that Xiao A had notes, and I could borrow them just by talking about them.

Xiao A and I once discussed the issue of aging. I said that I, as a person, will definitely age very early. When everyone is still wasting their youth, I have already stood in a vague and dense The posture, like the setting sun, sprays out little by little into the final color, and then fades away.In fact, aging is everyone's business, and no one can escape it, just like a swift river, frivolous things seem to be floating all the time, while heavy things are the first to settle down. When I said this, Xiao A and I were sitting on the overpass on the busiest street in my hometown, and we were sitting on the railing drinking Coke.I usually use the most cynical life attitude to live the most serious life, and rarely say such philosophical words, so I laughed after I finished speaking, and then continued to say like a ruffian, when human beings think, God laughs, I am God, look how bright I smile.After speaking, he blew a whistle.

Little A didn't turn his head to look at me, but just smiled faintly, he always looks like this, seems to be forever peaceful, whether it's a flower blooming in front of him, or a city overturning in front of him.He said, I will not, I am a person who will never grow old. I laughed at that time, and I used my smile to express my disdain. Little A reached out and touched my hair, like touching a child. And today, three years later, in Shanghai, a strange city, in the feeling of nostalgia for little A who is far away in Japan every day, I finally understand what little A said, and what he said is true.

When I was 19 years old, I had already learned how to grow long and messy hair, how to get my ears pierced, how to smile commercially, how to make girls happy, how to smile to people I like, and to those I don’t like. When people smile, little A still looks like that, wearing a clean white shirt, coarse trousers, cool hair, eyes are still clear, and his smile is as bright as a 16-year-old.Talk a lot to people you like, and be expressionless to people you don't like. I wrote a paragraph, I said that I always looked back and stood still, and then time left me and ran forward vigorously.In fact, I wrote it wrong. In fact, it was the torrent of time that rolled over me. A has stayed in my seventeen years old, always standing in my memories, standing in my thoughts, standing like a smiling cherry tree, always drifting away.

3 I stayed up late last night and slept all day today. Text messages kept rushing into my phone. I picked them up and looked at them vaguely, then deleted them, and then continued to sleep wrapped in a quilt.I got a text message around noon and I couldn't sleep anymore. The text message was sent by Weiwei, the content was, SARS is serious recently, don't die, let me live. I suddenly remembered that I hadn't contacted her for several months. I had cut off the phone and text messages. We lived alone in our own life circles, happy, sad, disappointed, and mourning, and then we waited for the hopeful tomorrow with joy.

I asked Wei Wei, and I said that I hadn’t heard from you recently, and I thought you were dead. Wei Wei said, for a person like me, if everyone dies, I will live with ease. I was holding my phone and couldn't speak, the rain outside the window was still so heavy, I suddenly remembered a song that Wei Wei and I listened to in the third year of high school, singing in the song, it started to rain, who did the sky cry for?Who cried for whom? I don't know if it's lack of sleep or what, I feel the air around me start to shake slightly, I feel like I'm on a ship, surrounded by waves, wind and rain, and the torrent of time.

I forgot to reply to the text message, actually I don’t know how to reply, I don’t know how to tell Wei Wei, tell my heartache, tell my longing, talk about my memories of my senior year in high school over and over again. It's just that tomorrow will always come, the wind is already blowing, peach blossoms and blossoms in March.Zhang Yueran said that they rolled backwards into the tall grass in March together. 4 I like to stand on a hill, watching the whole city crawling under my feet, watching everyone's sorrows and joys mixed with the hustle and bustle of the world rushing up to the high sky, watching the sun shine straight down, hollowing out everyone's body and soul .

At this time I think of all the mourning souls who sing on the clouds. Sichuan is a place with many mountains, Jiuzhaigou, Emei, Qingcheng, I like to carry a big bag with my friends and walk on those green and cool stone roads and steps, sweat, cola, sleeping bags, cameras, DV, And our emotions and thoughts scattered around every corner. I love travel so piously, and I loathe captivity so persistently. As long as I remember, I will think of me and Xiao A sitting on the window sill wrapped in a blanket on the golden summit of Mount Emei and listening to the snowflakes falling on us when we were seventeen years old.I would think of Xiao A and I buying rough terracotta warriors and horses on the noisy roadside in Xi'an, which was like buying back a testimony of time.I would think of Xiao A and I going to many remote villages, seeing the innocent faces and clean smiles of those country children, they avoided our cameras, they said it was a weird box, and people would be put in it.I will think of me and Xiao A in Stone City, I saw Xiao A standing on the bridge, the wind blowing through his hair like a poet who came slowly from the Song Dynasty.

But now, little A is in Japan, walking in the wind of Waseda, he told me: One day, I will pack my bags again and set off with you, see the mountains I have never seen, walk the water I have never walked, and spend money The youth that has not been squandered, commemorates the memories that can never be remembered. So I believed it, as if I believed in a myth, and the most worshipful thing about a myth is that it is unbelievable. But I am in Shanghai, the most prosperous city in the east of China, on this huge plain alluvated by the Yangtze River, I can no longer find cliffs, and I can’t find a place where I can command a high position. I once stood on the highest floor of the Oriental Pearl Tower, looking at Go out, only to see endless desire.

There are no legends about the grass growing and the warbler flying in this city. It lives in reality forever, with fast drumbeats, hurried figures, numb eyes, false smiles, and I am being assimilated, how lucky it is. I shed tears of gratitude to God. Inside the tears is a small grave, where I buried my seventeen years old, my bicycle, my rock CD, my smile, and my summer days that never came back. 5 Let me make the text a little more elegant and light, and let us start to feel the youth that I once had and you are having. 6 Xiao A and I liked to walk freely along the city in the summer when we were 16 years old, because he had already left, and returning to Sichuan was like coming back to visit him.But I have been living in this place, watching my own time entangled with this city bit by bit, entwined with each other, and can no longer be separated. That summer, Xiao A and I stood on the side of the road, watching the wind running along the corner. In the evening, the two of us wore pure white T-shirts that cost more than 400 yuan a piece and sat at a roadside stall full of oily smoke. Beef noodles, the boss was very enthusiastic and talked to us a lot, I also talked to him, and Xiao A just laughed beside him, his smile was very clear and beautiful, like a bright and extravagant smile of a child.Today, three years later, I can still clearly recall this scene. There were many cars and people around, and even though it was in the evening, the sun was still very hot. Then we'll go to the movies.Popcorn, cola, French fries, laughing out loud when watching a comedy, silent to each other when watching an art film, no one knows whose expression in the dark, I always have a fantasy at that time, I wonder if it will be in the dark In it, when we laughed loudly, little A's face was full of sadness, but when we were silent, little A's face was full of smiles, like mandala flowers blooming in the dark. Later, I told little A about this imagination. That day we were still on the flyover, drinking Coke and whistling.Little A still reached out and touched my hair, he said, you are such a person, you think too much, so you are always unhappy.Do you know what God's greatest punishment to mankind is?It is to give him endless freedom of thought. The decadent neon lights of the city are reflected in Little A's light gray pupils, making him even more decadent.Can't see clearly, can't see clearly. 7 Those things that we thought we would never forget, are forgotten by us in the process of our obsession. This sentence was written by Gu Xiang, and it was written in a book called "Western Paradise". That book is about the story of Journey to the West. Many people told me to read it.So I laughed, I wanted to show them "Western Paradise", but "Western Paradise" was kept at my home in Sichuan. I told Wei Wei this sentence on her 19th birthday, which happened to be our first reunion after separation, in February 2003, my first winter vacation in college. I came back from Shanghai, Xiaobei, Xiaojiezi and ABO came back from Chengdu, CKJ came back from Beijing, Weiwei came back from Chongqing.A large group of people are still sitting in the hot pot restaurant as before, speaking loudly and punching violently.I don't know who is joking there, saying that the star is still the same star, the moon is still the same moon, the person is still the same person, and the dog is still the same dog. After talking, everyone in the room laughed, and then suddenly fell silent, only the hot pot soup was still bubbling. Someone's tears fell into the oil pan, but I pretended not to see it. Wei Wei asked me, do we always remember the things we once remembered. Then I said to her that line in "Western Paradise", I don't know why I said that, I could have told her that we will be together forever, and when we are 80 years old, we will also go to the arcade to play KOF , if there was still KOF at that time.But I didn't, I spoke the most vicious words like the most vicious wizard. That night Wei Wei asked something that made me feel so painful, she lowered her head and asked me, is it because I have no roots?Why isn't there any place for me? 8 During that winter vacation, Wei Wei and I stood at the gate of our high school many times. When they were leaving school, we stood quietly like that, watching countless children in school uniforms passing by us with smiling faces. I suddenly remembered the two angels with white wings in "Fantasy Eyes". Others can't see them, but they always stand quietly in the crowd, watching whoever has a red star on his forehead, then that person is in love. The school is still the same, our youthful vigor is scattered in this place, scattered in the shade of the trees by the lake, scattered in the studio of the complex building, scattered in the piano room, scattered in the classroom in the middle of the third floor of the teaching building , scattered in the dilapidated badminton court, scattered in the crowded cafeteria, scattered in the canteen that has disappeared and moved, scattered in unknown corners, singing sad songs. I told Wei Wei that we had never seriously worn school uniforms before, we always kept avoiding the teacher’s inspection, and rampaged around the campus in clothes we thought looked good.I suddenly wanted to see myself wearing a school uniform, holding a racket, and sweat dripping from my short hair. The wind blew over suddenly, and Wei Wei's long hair and I fluttered in a mess.We've all had ions done to our hair, I feel like we're doing a shampoo ad.I told Wei Wei, and Wei Wei smiled.I laughed too. I looked at the strange and indifferent faces passing by me, but I couldn't see clearly anymore. I couldn't see whose face could be filled with the blooming flowers I wanted, and I wanted to see them forever. But I can see Wei Wei next to her, I see a swift river under her indifferent face, the river whimpers into the sound of a desolate violin, passing through the long and long lanes at dusk, passing through the slender green fields under the scorching sun, passing through the stones of the bustling city Through the forest, through the backs of us running with schoolbags on our backs, through the laughter scattered on our bicycles, through the sorrows and joys of flickering, through the impermanence of the sun rising and the moon sinking, through the four seasons, through the birds, through our long hair, and then Debris scattered around our feet in a mess. Who said that our hearts have already died in the most prosperous moment. 9 My life is the same as before, a lot of friends, a very bright life, but I am more and more convinced of a sentence, the brighter the place, the darker the darkest shadow will be. Life suddenly entered a busy rhythm. I would fly to various parts of the country every weekend. My ears suddenly became accustomed to the huge roar of the plane when it took off and landed. Dream. I made a wish before, and I said that I will walk a lot of roads and see a lot of scenery in the future, and I will truly step on the places I have seen on the map.But now, I have really traveled to many places, and I have gone to all the places I have never been to before.I think I should be relieved.But why do I still feel sad? I am in Shanghai, living leisurely.Learning about editing and directing, I hope that one day I can shoot works that make people cry.In my spare time, I would go to the library and look for those thick and dusty professional books in the long rows of bookshelves.See how to schedule the scene and how to arrange the lights.There are many huge glass windows in the library. Looking out, you can see flying birds that are constantly rising and falling.Sometimes when I close my eyes, I start to imagine the light gray feathers of those flying birds gently covering my pupils, so I think of Little A's light gray pupils. I think of the cherry blossom tree that has been drifting in my memory.In the bright sunshine, keep mourning the dead. Sometimes I eat watermelon in the gazebo under the dormitory, squat on the railing, and a few friends talk casually there, say some irrelevant words, and make some dispensable expressions, so I think that's how life goes. Then I suddenly remembered what Xiang Siwei said: I always remember my seventeen years old when I was eighteen, and I will remember my eighteen years when I was nineteen. I think of what Lu Xun said: When will this kind of life end. 10 I always like to stand on the lawn and raise my eyes to the east, all the way to the east, to the east, I want to see if the fog of Tokyo Tower has dissipated. I always like to stand on the top of the building and raise my eyes to the west. I want to see if the sunflowers in my hometown are blooming. 11 I've forgotten what it's like to ride a train and fly until I feel like throwing up. I remember when I was in high school, Xiao A and I were always on the train, wrapped in a blanket and fell asleep quietly. At night when we couldn’t sleep, we leaned against the window to look at the black and fuzzy outline of the mountains outside, and occasionally scattered the dim lights at the foot of the mountain. Or the gray iron stop sign that flies by.At dawn, I will look up at the sky, thinking whether those moving clouds will piece together a face deep in my memory, which can make me lose all language in an instant.Hastily.Sad.In the field, there are birds flapping their wings and rushing to the high sky. The dream of youth is as clear as a lake, the innocence of the past and the persistence in life.Holding a coffee cup, you can imagine a flower blooming in your palm, and the fragrance is like the most beautiful vine.When I was learning pottery, I worked with mud all day long, and felt the mud twist and turn in my fingers.When I was learning flower arranging, I imagined my future lover with the girl at the same table. She said that her Prince Charming would fill the kitchen with small cacti, and would hold a picture book and wait quietly while making soup.I said my Snow White would plant golden sunflowers in the roof garden and water them in a white cotton dress.After I finished speaking, I laughed, because I suddenly remembered that in the past summer, I was wearing a white cotton T-shirt and beige denim pants, and the roof of my house was full of sunflowers. But now, I can only look up at the sky covered with clouds from the top of the building.I suddenly thought of Takeshi Kaneshiro, and in "Heartbeat", he was always lying on the roof, looking at the gray, blue, white, clear and hazy sky, and then took photos, a box of photos, and then gave her and told her , This is the sky when I miss you. I stand on a high roof, the wind is coming through the sky, I stretch out my hand to block the dust in front of me, when the wind is about to leave, I always tell it, can you help me see, my hometown Are the sunflowers on the roof blooming or dead? Has anyone watered them? "Evil and Poison in the West".Ashes of time.Xidu said, I want to go back and see if the peach blossoms in my hometown have bloomed. Those cities with plain faces, those faces that have been washed away, all fell when my plane took off. In romantic dramas, someone always says emotionally, dear, goodbye, goodbye.We always laugh at the hypocrisy. But I finally found out that the people we have said goodbye to seriously, we can never see each other again. If you choose to go east, then I will stubbornly go west. From now on, I will have different situations, each tossing and turning in different destinies, and each crawling in different scars.When the plane brought our memories to an altitude of 9,000 meters, when the train rumbled and crushed our bright youth, I was so sad, sad, and cried. 12 Forgive my messy words, forgive my broken time. 13 Those winds running fast in the subway station, those birds rising and falling in my pupils. I always have endless hallucinations. Once, Xiao A and I sat on a black boat at night.That boat has been there for a long time, and I even think that maybe the next moment we will sink with this boat.I was sitting on the side of the boat, and Little A was standing behind me, surrounded by large stretches of undulating reeds, and I knew that there were flocks of birds that flew over the mountains and rivers sleeping in it during the day.There are boats moored around, and there are lights on the boats, and I recite "Jiang Feng Yuhuo to Mianmian" in an artificial way.Little A still touched my hair as before, and then laughed nicely and softly, I believe it will not disturb those sleeping birds. I hallucinate that I am running in a time tunnel, I enter through this entrance, and then I will exit through that exit. I don't know what time and what scene is waiting for me at that exit.Maybe it's the south of the Yangtze River where the grass grows in March and the warbler flies, or maybe it's the desert where the gold and iron horses are. Maybe Weicheng, maybe Lichi. What we have to do may be to search constantly, or to wait quietly. Like, Fujii tree and Fujii tree.I have been searching, never knowing the ending, until the end, no one can see how the spreading palm lines are in the cruel and great hands of fate.But at the end, when we saw the ending and heard the cry, all we could do was to realize suddenly that we had loved so deeply and been loved so deeply, and we watched with open eyes. The rails sank below the horizon, and we wept in the wind, tears staining our young faces. And I have forgotten, who said that a true love is like a life and death, if I lose this life, I will not want the next life. 14 Those flocks of birds flying south will come back every spring, and I can stand on the roof and wait for them to fly over my head, waiting for the feathers to fall down like the most gentle flowers in spring. But those who left, no matter how long I waited, they are still scattered in the end of the world, their voices and smiles are unforgettable. I have countless friends who are obsessed with birds. me too.I like Su Tong as well.He wrote countless flocks of birds in the book, flying in the silent cemetery, flying on the perishing city. My friends and I know that there are flocks of birds flying over our heads every day, but we don’t know whether the flocks of birds that fly every day will see the irreversible changes below. The sound of wind and rain.lullaby. 15 Recently, it seems that I can't say one thing completely, the words are getting more and more messy, and the feeling is getting more and more broken. My words seem to be playing games with me, sometimes close to me, sometimes far away from me. I suddenly remembered how fluent my writing was when I was sixteen years old. At that time, I could write very clean words. There was no death or sex in the words, just like the rats in Haruki Murakami's works, living cleanly in a time like water.Drink milk tea from a swimming pool in summer. And suddenly I was nineteen years old, standing on the edge of the cliff where time was about to break, but I couldn't see anything. 16 Sentences written by XJ: Let's grit our teeth together and listen to what's going on in the snow, one city after another From now on I tell you that I am the foreign land of your left hand and the hometown of your right hand 17 The wind is still running along the corner. I am still riding a bicycle through the shadow of camphor in spring as deep as the sea. But time has traveled to April of 2003. I am sitting in my dormitory, feeling the precious sunshine before the rainy season in Shanghai, and typing these words in front of my newly bought computer.My keyboard is a notebook-style flat-panel keyboard, which is very pleasant to type on.But I still miss my computer in Sichuan, and I think its keyboard must have been covered with a layer of soft dust. 18 Ah Liang sent me a text message, saying that she bought my first book, but it was a reprint, and it was no longer the price of only 12 yuan for the simple cover when it was published for the first time.The current book has a beautiful blue cover and is priced at 16.8. In the evening we went to the movies, and A Liang showed me the book in the movie theater. I stroked the cover of the book and heard the sound of running water.I read the postscript, the preface, and the articles I wrote when I was seventeen years old. When I saw that child, I simply laughed and cried. When I closed the book, I realized that I hadn't written for a long time until I cried. 19 That winter was extremely cold You stand on the top of a high mountain and stand like a flag flying in my eyes Gesang is on my finger Prayer flags curled into your long hair Let's cut time together into the most extravagant fireworks bustling bride sharp neon clothes And the feathers of time stand on the top of the clouds and sing loudly darkened frontier broken streamer wiped out the prehistoric 20 Hansey sent a text message to tell me that the willow trees in their city had already bloomed, and little by little catkins were flying over the whole city like falling snow. He looked up at them with a smile on his face. I have an agreement with Hansey, Qinghe and Weiwei. When this summer finally comes, we will go to Lijiang together, see the snow-capped mountains in summer, and walk the bluestone road.Because this summer, Hansey graduated, just like Wei Wei and I had a tragic escape last summer. Things that were once thought to be unforgettable will one day become unrecognizable. Time didn't teach me anything, but it taught me not to believe in a myth easily. twenty one The campus of Shangda University began to be full of people again. Groups of young people rode bicycles through this resplendent university.My life has always been like this, with the most cynical attitude to the most serious life. I am willing to easily trust a person who appears suddenly and follow him. Whether he wants to take me to the supermarket at school or to the end of the world in Murakami, I will follow him without hesitation.Because I need a god. But I have never trusted anyone. A friend I haven’t contacted for a long time said to me. She said that the most precious thing about Siwei is not being changed by anyone. I tried to change him, but now I don’t want to. When I read these words, I didn't know whether I was sad or happy inside.I was just thinking, do people like me live too stubbornly? twenty two There is a classic line in one of Gu Long's novels. He said, with the wind and the sword at hand, my ideal will not be too far away. That night I had a dream. In the dream, a girl I used to like was swinging on a swing. She was wearing a white skirt and barefoot. Her smile was beautiful, and she was blown to the high sky by the wind along with the sun. I stood below and looked at her and laughed. A lot of things passed through my dreams, Shunji Iwai and "Everything About Lily Zhou", Fujii stood on the edge of the cliff and shouted into the open forest, the boy in the white shirt Standing in the wheat field with his head down, he listened to Lily Zhou's CD repeatedly.Xu Jia's, Qin Yu put his schoolbag on his chest, put his cat in the schoolbag, and walked on the street together.I have countless cello CDs, and the movements in them surround me like water.My three badminton rackets were painted off and the strings were broken, but I am still so precious.I dreamed a lot and heard a lot and saw a lot, and I laughed at being so real.Because this is my youth, this is my flowering, this is something I will never forget but will forget one day. Everything expires, even canned pineapple, but I hope that my memory can become a carving knife to engrave all the happy moments. twenty three I had that dream for a long time, crying and laughing all the time, and I woke up from the dream, but I couldn't find any trace of tears. I rubbed my eyes and found that the dream was very long. I was in the dream and slept for nineteen years.