Chapter 11 i still can't see myself

I often can't see myself clearly. I often live blindly, so I am often troubled and frustrated. Until now, it seems that I have not formed a clear "I", and I have not fixed a mature "I". It seems that I am still growing and struggling in the ocean of life. .Drifting, still looking here and there to find the lighthouse, still looking left and right to choose a shore where I can anchor and rely on as soon as possible, including writing novels and becoming a writer, it seems that I was determined by a kind of fate by accident, not because of interest.Love, not because of natural talent.However, I have been writing all the way, and have been writing continuously for more than ten years, with more than ten books published, and some readers who like my works.Sometimes, I am also surprised: life has changed me too much, the blows and shapes of life have made me go far away from the original me, as if the original track was smashed by wind and cloud and completely thrown me away Taking off makes me like a meteor unwilling to fall, and I have to redraw the trajectory for myself in the boundless universe.I know that it is this kind of reborn experience of "crash" and "restart", as well as the sorrow and sorrow of the soul when experiencing "crash" and "restart", that made me gradually realize later, gradually close to literature.It can be said that each of my novels is an expression and confession of my soul in each period.When the soul is infiltrating into literature, literature is subtly helping to nourish my soul.Over the past ten years, my heart and my novels have accompanied and complemented each other, which has enabled me to survive such a noisy, turbulent, complicated and majestic time.These years should be the years when literature and novels are published, because in such earth-shaking years, no soul is peaceful, and no soul is not undergoing profound changes.

However, I still find it difficult to talk about literature and myself in a decent way, and I can’t tell the exact reason. What I can do is just look back, hoping to see myself a little bit, so that I can form myself, establish myself, and expand myself—— — both as a human being and as a writer. Really, I really didn't expect that I would walk the path of literature in my life. Even after I became a professional writer, I still felt that being a writer was too much for me?When I was young, my highest ideal was to yearn for the hard and romantic life of a builder, like the young people in the Soviet novel "Brave" who boldly developed Siberia, like Xiao Jiye in the movie "Young Generation" Engage in geological exploration and fight in the mountains.That ideal is passionate and sincere.Later, I really went to the frontier and came into contact with the real life of poverty and hardship. I realized that there are too many complexities and helplessness in real life, which cannot be dealt with by pure ideals or blind passion. .What's more, when we were still young, our ideals, passions and beliefs were all destroyed and denied, and everything had to start from scratch, to get to know people and life anew. However, not everyone has the ability to adapt to the "re-" Turning point, so some people sink, some people are negative, some people are confused, some people seek hard, and more people pursue new life value at any cost—that was from the 1970s to the early 1980s—those are very eloquent. scenario.It was at that time that I began to write novels in earnest and seriously, expressing to my heart's content the special feelings and special thoughts brought to us by those special experiences.The mood at that time was completely ecstasy, and the enthusiasm for writing was vigorous, short stories.novella.Long novels are written one after another, published one book after another, and constantly hear the approval and resonance from readers.After I saw my own book published, and heard the approval and resonance of readers, I realized that I had attached a lot of thoughts and thoughts to my characters in my novels, and my own .Their.Ours.After writing these thoughts and thoughts, many emotions in my heart seem to be washed by clear water. In my heart, there will be a period of tranquility and a period of emptiness, and occasionally, there will be a period of joy and comfort.In retrospect, it was ten years ago. At that time, writing seemed to have the same passion as when I was young. Writing at that time often regarded writing as talking with friends and talking about my emotions. , Talk about your own views and experiences on society, the world and life.

The world is really rich and complicated, and life is also full of hardships. What's more, the times we live in are turbulent, and the society we live in is undergoing reforms, which makes the course of several centuries condensed in just a few decades, which makes Every person, every family, and every level of interpersonal relationship are facing unimaginable differentiation and changes.As an ordinary person, I have not escaped the difficulties and confusion caused by this "differentiation and change".As a writer, facing the "differentiation and changes" of myself and many people, I only feel that my thoughts and writing skills are lacking, but I can't describe these exciting "differentiations and changes". For this reason, my writing has been There was a pause, and there seemed to be no way out, as if there were so many things coming that I couldn't figure it out.After a period of thinking, starting from my own creative style, I chose to focus on depicting women's lives as the main theme of my creation.I do have a penchant for writing about women's lives, and when I write about them, I put my heart into it, and I can't help but pour out my emotions.Because, as an ordinary woman, I have experienced various states, situations, and mentalities of being a woman in ordinary life. It is very chaotic and complicated. The traditional and the modern are in conflict, conflicting and competing, and are splitting many. human heart and soul.Despite the reform and opening up, self-recovery, and the return of humanity, the soil we are based on is still ancient. Therefore, the advancement of thinking cannot immediately drive us forward together. This potential incongruity, hidden In the depths of social life, hidden in the depths of people's hearts, it seems invisible and intangible, but it can be understood and understood all the time and everywhere.I reflect and refract everything that I have learned from God through the fate of women.Most of the fates of these women in my writing have flaws and regrets, and flaws and regrets will inevitably change the tone of the novel.A female student of East China Normal University once said to me: The heroines in your past novels were very tough.Peaceful, but in the past few years, the characters in your works seem to contain a kind of helpless emotion. Do you think the changes in your novels are good or bad?I don't think we can use good or bad to make such a simple and absolute comparison.In my opinion, the helplessness I show on the characters is the sigh when we are unable to extricate ourselves in certain predicaments.People have feelings and desires. Feelings and desires will unknowingly lead people into torrents and whirlpools. They cannot help themselves, but whirlpools are a natural phenomenon for a while. After the whirlpool disappears and the torrent subsides , the inertia of the torrent and vortex is still driving people, and we will blindly pursue the torrent and vortex. It is difficult to break free from this inertia and get out of this blindness. At this time, people are helpless.This helplessness is a reflection of the essence of life.Therefore, in my novels for quite a period of time, I always wrote about the helplessness of people and the helplessness of life.Of course, in my future novels, maybe I won’t write about helplessness anymore, maybe I will write about people’s victory over helplessness, which is called this moment and then moment.

However, whether this time or another, I seem to be still undergoing changes, and I often can't see myself clearly, and that self who can't see clearly is still writing the life I can't see clearly.Is it because you "can't see clearly" when you write novels and articles?If life was a clear water, there would probably be no need for such fiddly work.