Chapter 7 "Things of the Past" Why did we meet when I was 21 years old?

Why did we meet before when I was twenty-one years old (1) There are twelve wards in the neurology ward of Friendship Hospital, except No. 1 and No. 2, I have lived in the other ten.Of course, never proud of it.No matter how proud a person is, as far as I have seen, they are humble when they lie on the hospital bed.Numbers 1 and 2 are critically ill, a place where the sky is the limit, and God thinks it's too early for me to live there. Nineteen years ago, my father helped me into that ward for the first time.At that time, I could still walk, but it was difficult and sad.At that time, I had a resolution: either be good or die, and I must never come out like this again.

It was noon, and in the ward, apart from the slight snoring of the patient, there were the light footsteps of the nurses, their eyes were white, and the smell of potions floated in the sunlight, like a believer walking into a temple, I felt hope.A female doctor led me into Ward No. 10.She leaned close to my ear and asked softly, "Have you had lunch?" I said, "Do you think my illness will recover?" She smiled.I can't remember how she answered, but I only remember that after she said something, my father's frown slightly eased.After the female doctor walked away lightly, I will always have a prejudice: women should be doctors the most, and white coats are their most elegant clothing.

It was the day after my twenty-first birthday.I don't know much about medicine or fate, and I don't know how troublesome it will be if the disease occurs in the spinal cord.I lay down comfortably and had a good night's sleep.I thought to myself: Ten days, one month, well, three months, and then I can be the same again.My classmates who jumped in line with me thought the same thing when they came to see me; they brought me a lot of books. Number ten has six beds.I am six bed.Wu Bed is a farmer, and he looks forward to being discharged from the hospital every day. "The room fee alone is one yuan and fifteen cents a day, you can do the math," said the fifth bed, "is it worth it to die?" The third bed said, "Come on, you're never finished! I'll count you Pessimistic." The fourth bed was an old man who said, "Don't tell me, let's talk about it. Chairman Mao has something to say—if you come, you can rest in peace." The peasants turned their eyes to me with a smile, but said to them: "Don't be afraid. You all have medical care at public expense." He knew that I was still united with the poor and lower-middle peasants.One bed does not talk, and the other bed can be discharged from the hospital once it talks.The second bed seemed to be a person of some background, and he won everyone's awe with his gestures.The second bed blissfully forgot all nouns, including her own name.When the second bed spoke, all the nouns were replaced by "this" and "that", so when he talked about some vigorous deeds, he couldn't tell who did it.Si Bed said: "This is so good, I don't want to offend anyone."

I don't agree.Just a little bit of comfort is instantly full of light.More than one yuan a day for housing has to be paid from my parents' wages, and several yuan a day for medicine and meals have to be paid out of my parents' wages. What's more, the family has already been heavily in debt to treat my illness.I immediately thought about what the farmer thought: when can I leave the hospital?I quickly let go of my fist to let myself understand: this is in the hospital, not at home, no one here will tolerate my losing my temper, and if I break something, don’t I have to use my parents’ salary to pay for it?Fortunately, there were books by my side, so after much deliberation, I had to bury my head in the books, alright, alright, even if it was three months!I simply believe in such a deadline.

But after three months, not only was I unable to leave the hospital, but my illness became worse. At that time, I lived with the second bed until the seventh.The second bed is really unusual, it is a bureau chief, an eleventh-level cadre, but there is still an extra level, and those who are not above the tenth level have no chance to live in the single room of the senior cadre ward.No. 7 is the only room with only two beds in this general ward, and it is the closest to a single room, so it is always occupied by people closest to the tenth level.It is said that a level 13 just came out from here.The second bed was moved in justifiably.And me?The head nurse said "this child loves to read", and asked me to help the second bed remember the nouns again. "You see he doesn't even know who he is," said the head nurse.But because of this, the second bed has become more and more popular, because "director" is also a noun and is also forgotten, and the relationship between us is becoming more and more equal and harmonious.One day he asked me, "What do you do?" I said, "Jumping in the queue." The second bed said that his "that" was the same, and both "that" were, and he gestured at a place half a head taller than him. : "Those two, I raised them myself." "You mean your two sons?" He said yes, son.He said, well, the revolution should not be afraid of suffering, it should be united.He said, "That's where we came from." I said, "Countryside?"I said, "Where is your hometown?" He held his head and thought for a long time.This time I couldn't remind him.Finally, he cursed, gave up, and said, "I'll let that thing go too." He stretched two fingers above his head. "Is it a cow?" He shook his head and lowered his hand. "Sheep?" "Yes, sheep. I let the sheep go." He lay down, put his hands behind his head, and looked sweetly at the ceiling for a long time without saying a word.The doctor said that his disease is called "angular gyrus syndrome, nomenclature aphasia", and it does not affect other memories, especially the distant past.I think the director is the director after all, he will get sick more than me.He suddenly sat up again: "My one, hello, what's the matter?" "Son?" He is going to join forces, and I said okay, I support it." Said: "He wrote to ask for money, saying that he wants to do this." He pointed around, and I thought that "that little thing" might want to set up a medical station.He said: "Okay, how much do you want? I'll give it. But that little thing!" He walked back and forth grumblingly, then stopped and spread his hands: "But he's going to get married there again!" Rural area?” “Yes, rural area.” “With the peasants?” “With the peasants.” Whether based on my ideological awareness at the time or the propaganda and advocacy of newspapers and radio stations at the time, this is worthy of awe. "Roots." I said admiringly. "What a pie!" he said, "but do you still want to come back?" I was a little confused now.Seeing me stunned, he stomped his feet again, and added: "But do you still want revolution?!" Now I understand, no matter what revolution is, Second Bed's frankness is gratifying.

Don't have to worry about those mysterious logic.The whole winter was coming to an end, but I couldn't even walk out to the yard with a cane. My legs were getting numb day by day, and my muscles were shrinking uncontrollably. That's what I needed to worry about. I was able to live on the seventh, in fact, because the doctors and nurses sympathized with me.Because I am still so young, because I paid for my medical treatment at my own expense, because doctors and nurses already understood that the prospect of my disease is extremely bad, and because I love reading—in that era of "more knowledge, more reactionary", doctors and nurses especially I love a child who loves to read.They still treat me like a child.Many of their children are also jumping in line.The head nurse praised me in front of my mother several times, and in the end she always said: "Oh, this child..." This sigh revealed the helplessness of contemporary medicine.They have no other way to help me, they can only let me live in a better place, be quieter, and read books—they may think that maybe there is a way for "this kid" in the book.

But I have lost interest in reading.Lying in bed all day, listening to all kinds of footsteps passing by the door; I hope they stop and push the door in, and I hope they never stop, walk over and go your way, and don't bother me.I prayed desolately in my heart: God, if you don't take me back, leave me the legs that can walk!I did put my hands together and make a wish to the gods aloud when no one was around.It was many years later that I heard an unknown philosopher say: It is difficult to have an atheist in a sick bed.Now that I think about it, it is not worth arguing whether there is a god or not, but at the point of chaos of fate, people will naturally ignore science and place a devout hope in the void.Just as the most beautiful yearning of mankind so far has no actual verification, but the yearning does not disappear because of this.

Why did we meet before when I was twenty-one years old (2) The doctor in charge came to check the ward every day, and stayed the longest in front of my bed every day: "Okay, don't worry." According to the rules, the director checks the ward once a week, but several directors often come to see me: "How do you feel?" So? Well, don’t worry.” There were days when doctors from general practice came to see me, within eight hours or more, individually or in groups, to check and express their opinions, and then they all said to me: “Don’t worry. Don’t be in a hurry, okay? Don’t be in a hurry.” From their cautious conversation, I gradually understood one thing: if my disease is caused by a tumor, if I find it out, cut it up and throw it in a trash can, I will I can still walk upright, otherwise I would probably lose this advantage that my ancestors evolved over millions of years.

The small garden outside the window is already full of peach blossoms, willows and greenery, and none of the twenty-two springs has made my heart tremble like this.I no longer dare to envy those healthy people who walk among the flowers and trees and the young people who play badminton on the path.I remember that I saw an old man in hospital clothes for a long time, pacing and basking in the sun on the grass; as long as this is the only way I think it is!As long as you can do this, that's enough!I recall how it feels to step on the soft grass?How does it feel to walk wherever you want?How does it feel to kick a stone on the side of the road and kick it to walk?Those who have never recalled it like this will not believe it, it is impossible to recall it!After the old man left, I was still staring at the grassland, where the sunlight was slowly fading away, condensing into a ray of lonely red light, climbing up the wall step by step, climbing up to the roof... I wrote a crooked sentence Poetry: Gently open the small window to see the spring scenery, and a setting sun leaks into the world.In the future, I rolled my wheelchair to see that piece of grass, and looked at window No. 7 from there, guessing who lives behind the glass now?What career does God intend to choose for him?Of course, God doesn't need to ask his advice.

I'm begging God to play an impromptu joke on me - to have a benign tumor installed in my spine.Yes, it can grow inside the spinal canal, but it must grow outside the pia mater, so that it can be stripped without damaging the precious spinal cord. "Didn't you, doctor?" "Who told you?" "Didn't it?" said the doctor, "It doesn't look like a tumor, though." I wrote "God bless" all over the place with my eyes, and I thought , Maybe writing these four words thousands of times will win God's mercy and make it a tumor, a well-intentioned tumor.Or it's just a vicious tumor, the kind that can kill, that's fine.It's got to be a tumor, God!

A friend gave me a pack of lotus seeds. When I was bored, I picked a few and soaked them in a bottle, thinking, do you want to make a wish? —If they could germinate, my disease would be but a tumor.But I was trembling and never dared to bet.Unexpectedly, the lotus seeds would sprout after a few days.I think ok I bet!I guess I'm actually inclined to gamble at all.I think leaning toward betting is actually betting.I think now I'd bet--they'll grow leaves! (This is obvious.) I change the water for them every day, move them to the west side of the window sill in the morning, and move them to the east side in the afternoon, so that they are always in the sun; for this I walk by the bed rail and the window sill , I was sweating profusely after walking a few meters.I won't tell you about it, no one knows.Soon, they grow round leaves. "Circle" is another good sign.I waited on them more attentively, sat back on the bed and looked at them panting, and woke up at night to look at them in the moonlight: well, I'm going to change my luck.And suddenly noticed the homophony of "lotus" and "pity", and thought respectfully: God is finally going to show mercy to me, right?I don't tell anyone about these things.The leaves grew out of the mouth of the bottle, and idlers wanted to touch them, but I refused to let them touch them anyway, so I prayed twice in my heart several times.I will not say these things, and no one knows now.But science triumphed, and it said over and over again that there was no tumor there, no no no.Sure enough, God directly tampered with that delicate spinal cord!On the day when the verdict was decided, I ran wildly like an unjustly condemned ghost, struggling to stand up, thinking why can't I run back and show that heartless God?The consequences are simple, and if you didn't fall to your death you would understand: indeed, you can't beat God. I lay in bed all day without saying a word, and my heart was completely blank at first, and then filled with a dead word.Director Wang is here. (That old lady, I will never forget her. There is also head nurse Zhang. Eight years later and seventeen years later, I was really sick to the door of death twice, thanks to these two old ladies who snatched me away again. ) I was lying facing the wall, Director Wang sat behind me and said nothing for a long time, then he said, not much, to the effect: Let’s read books, don’t you love reading?Don't live in vain if you live a day.In the future, when you work, you will be so busy that you will have no time at all, and you will regret that you let this time go by for nothing.Of course, these words cannot dispel my desire to die, but I will use them for life. In the next few years, I have frequently been enthusiastic about the god of death, but before I died, I always remembered Director Wang’s words, so I still do something.There are many reasons why I did not die (I have written about it in another article), one of which is "Don't live in vain for a day", do things slowly, and gradually gain the interest and value of living feel.One year I went to see her in the hospital and gave her the book I wrote. She has gray hair and retired, but she is busy in the hospital from morning to night as usual.I looked at her and thought, this old lady must have known that I would not die, so she only showed me a way to live.But I don't know who was the first to find a bunch of wires there after I moved out of No. 7?And what do you think about it?That's a secret, and there's no need to tell it now.Suppose I really went to die then?I want to find a day to ask Director Wang.I think she might say "If you really want to die, no one can control it", she might say "If you can't find the value of living, you will still want to die sooner or later", and she might say "Thinking about death is not a bad thing , If you think about it, you will live more freely", and you may say "No, I can see that you were far from death at that time, because you have so many good friends". Friendship Hospital - that's a good name. "Tongren", "Xiehe", "Boai" and "Keats" are not bad names, but they are either a little calm or a little ostentatious, and they are not as easy and intimate as "Friendship".Maybe it's my bias.At the end of twenty-one, my legs completely betrayed me. I didn't die because of friendship.The classmates who were still jumping in the queue in the countryside kept writing letters, admonishing and scolding me both hard and soft, in order to arouse my courage to live; the classmates who had transferred back to Beijing would come to see me every visiting day, and they could come in even on non-visiting days. "How did you guys get in here?" "Cough, just close one eye and think about it for a while, and then you'll come in." This group of people who have been in the queue can travel north and south with a single platform ticket, so don't worry about the road they can't get through.That's when I moved to plus.The plus sign was not originally a ward. There was a small stairwell in it. The stairwell was abandoned and the remaining space was only big enough for a bed. Although it was as narrow as a chimney, it was a single room after all. But it is not comparable to the eleventh level.This is the painstaking efforts of the doctors and nurses. Seeing that I have too many friends, they are all boys and girls who inevitably talk and laugh regardless. They can neither affect others nor deprive me of happiness, so they gave me a 9.5-level treatment.The plus window faced the street, and my bed was next to it, where I spent the happiest time of my twenty-one years.Every morning, I would sit by the window and read quietly. I read many classics at that time, and I also started to learn foreign languages ​​in a decent way.After noon, I looked straight at the street, especially the young people riding bicycles and the No. 5 bus station, looking forward to my friends coming.For a while I ignored Death for a while.Friends came, books, news from outside, comfort and joy, new friends, and new friends brought new friends, and then they all became old friends.In the following years, friendship has been expanding around me like this, and it is deep in my heart.Close the door of the plus sign, we can laugh and curse freely, talk about everything in the world without any scruples, and sing something softly when we are happy--folk songs of northern Shaanxi, or the songs of the educated youth who jumped in line.My friends left at night, and in the quiet and noisy light of the small desk lamp, I began to want to write something, and that was the initial initiation of my creative desire.I forgot to die for a while, and why?Also because the shadow of love is shaking faintly.That shadow will sway in my heart for a long time, bringing happiness and pain to the days to come, especially bringing passion, leading a desperate life out of the valley of death.Whether it is happiness or pain, it will become a treasured and sacred memorial forever. At the age of 21, 29, and 38, I entered the Friendship Hospital three times and left the Friendship Hospital three times. I did not die because of my friendship.The last two times were not because I wanted to collude with the God of Death, but because the God of Death was interested in me; I had a high fever of more than 40 degrees, and my friends carried me to Friendship Hospital. The internal medicine department said that I had no experience in caring for paraplegic patients, so Dr. Bai came to find me. Director Wang called head nurse Zhang, so I was admitted to the Shennei Ward again.Especially when I was 29 years old, my high fever persisted, lethargy and vomiting all day long, I dared not smell the food for almost three months, I just used my blood vessels to drink glucose, and my blood pressure was not stable, first the low pressure rose to 120 and then the high pressure dropped again When I was 60, the doctors worried that I would not survive that winter—my kidney seemed to be dying, and the treatment seemed to be almost gone.My classmates consulted Dr. Bai, and they went to Dr. Tang together: Do you want to tell my father about this?They decided: no.Tell him, he is not in vain?Then they divided the work: my classmate and Dr. Bai will take care of my death, and they will explain to my father when I die; Dr. Tang will take care of me alive. Why did we meet before when I was twenty-one years old (3) Dr. Tang said: "Okay, I'll keep him here for teaching reasons. He has to figure out a way to live every day." Go to the next century.Dr. Tang was the female doctor who took me into No. 10 back then, she was the light-footed and gentle female doctor, but after eight years, her temples were like frost.Nine years later, when I was hospitalized for the third time, Dr. Tang was no longer there.I heard that I was coming again, and all the old doctors and nurses in the department came to see me, greet me, praise my novel is not bad, and tell me about the family life, but Doctor Tang can't come.I know she can't come, she's gone.I once rocked a wheelchair to give her a small wreath, and everyone said: She is exhausted, she must be exhausted!I will always remember the noon when she welcomed me into the ward. She leaned close to my ear and asked softly, "Have you had lunch?" All of a sudden, why is she gone?She was only in her early fifties.This thing really makes people speechless, I always feel that it doesn't make much sense, and someone must have messed up the logic. I hope that the fate of Dr. Bai's generation will be better.In fact, I only call her Dr. Bai in front of many patients.Usually I call her "Xiao Bai", and she calls me "Xiao Shi".She joked that she was my "personal health practitioner," but that's not a joke, it's closer to the truth.In the past two years, I called her "Old Bai" and she called me "Old Shi".In late autumn nineteen years ago, a new hygienist came to the ward. He wore short braids, a long scarf and a pair of black corduroy shoes. Not yet exhausted. "Are you jumping in line too?" I asked her. "You too?" It was obvious that she already knew it. "Where are you from?" "Second year of middle school, how about you?" "I'm six or eighth, first year of middle school. Where are you?" "Northern Shaanxi. Where are you?" "I'm Inner Mongolia." The greeting is the patent of our generation, and such a question and answer immediately brings us closer.I expect that such dialogue will still be popular among some gray-haired people in a few decades, and it will still be the most affectionate greeting and the most effective way of communication between them; Textual research, seriously write a thesis to get a degree.And how does our generation get a degree?Stopped school at the age of 14 or 15, went to the countryside at the age of 17 or 18, returned to the city after a few years, and got the most despised job, but after staying in the countryside, what kind of work can I not do? After finally going to a university, I was despised after graduation—because unfortunately you are a "worker-peasant-soldier student", and you have to try to get rid of this hat. People of this generation really have a lot of exams, and then use you Go the extra mile to convince old and young, use your actual level and ability to convince people that you are worthy of that degree-this is the typical way for our generation to get a degree.This is not the most difficult path. "Little Cypress" became "Old Cypress", and the hygienist became Dr. Bai, roughly in this way, I know, because we have been friends for many years.Her husband generally came along in the same way, and we are all friends; even her son calls me "Old Shi".Take a break to taste carefully, the most enviable part of this "old history" is that it has always lived in friendship.Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I happened to be admitted to the "Friendship" Hospital when I was 21 years old. Therefore, occasionally someone says that I live in a paradise, and there is a bit of sarcasm in their tone, as if it is all out of my own entertainment or even self-deception.I am quite unimpressed.I neither live in Xanadu, nor have I ever believed in Xanadu.But I believe in a paradise in the world, there is indeed such a source in the world, if there is no such source, I am afraid that no one will want to live again.If this source sometimes becomes weak, at least irony does not, in my opinion, make it strong.For tens of thousands of years, it has been used as a reality, and even more as a belief, so it has continued.It originates from the heart and then flows into the heart, it applies to the heart and comes from the heart, and so on.If you want to be strong, what can you ask for the piety of self-sacrifice? Some people also say that I have been living in a fairy tale?There is both praise and warning in the tone.Appreciate and admonish, which is very convincing to me.Since the praise is there, the admonition does not mean that people should strengthen a line of defense, but just reminds me: the shortcoming of fairy tales is not that they are too beautiful, but that they must enter a more complicated and harsh world. delicate. In fact, at the age of twenty-one, God had already reminded me that he had already revealed to me his super fairy tales and eternal riddles. When I lived at number four, I met a boy.He was seven years old at the time, and he lived in a remote mountain village. One day, it was said that the road was going to be built in front of his house, and the children were eagerly waiting for the sweet dreams.The road was finally repaired, and the car finally came. When they first saw the car, the children were surprised and timid, and looked at it from a distance.As time goes on, the children have a whimsy and find that they can go for a majestic ride by holding the tail of the truck. They have a good time carrying their parents on their backs.But once, just once, the seven-year-old boy fell from the car by accident.When he was admitted to the hospital, he could no longer run, and the muscles of his limbs were atrophying.It was very lonely in the ward, and the child was limping around; when he washed too much, the patients said to him, "Tell me how you got hurt?" The child immediately lowered his head and remained obediently motionless. "Speak?" "Say, why?" the child muttered. "Hey, why didn't you say it? Did you forget?" "Because of picking up a car," the child whispered, "for being naughty," the child added.He is sincerely admitting his mistake.Everyone was silent, except for himself, everyone knew: this child was injured on the spinal cord, and such an injury is irreversible.The child still didn't dare to move, and stood upright, wiping away tears with a pair of shrinking hands.Finally someone will speak first, and the tone becomes mournful: "Do you want to wash it next time?" The child is very familiar with this kind of tolerance or forgiveness, and immediately shook his head vigorously: "No, no, no!" At the same time, he breathed a sigh of relief.But this time is different, why no one promised him "Okay, as long as you change it, you will still be a good boy"?He looked at every grown-up with his eyes wide open, which meant: Isn't it okay?Can't you stop being naughty?He doesn't know, he still doesn't understand, there is a kind of mistake in fate that can only be made once, and there is no chance to correct it. is not forgiven.The child's nickname was "Wudan". I remember him. He was only seven years old at the time. He didn't know, he still didn't understand.In the future, he will surely know one day, but is he bound to understand one day?But in any case, that day was the end of a fairy tale.At the end of all fairy tales, let us understand it this way: God will set a cruel riddle in order to temper life. When I lived at No. 6, I met a pair of lovers.They were my age then, forty years old.They are college classmates.When the man was twenty-four years old, he was going to study abroad. The date was set and all the luggage was prepared, but fate was unpredictable. I don’t know why it had to be postponed for a month because of some trivial matter, but in this month, because of one A medical malpractice left him paralyzed.The woman was devoted to him, waiting for him, first waiting for him to recover from illness, but not waiting; then waiting for him, waiting for him to agree to marry her, but still not waiting.There are many external and internal resistances. Year after year, the man is looking forward to her coming and persuading her to leave.But year after year, illness and love are inevitable, and the woman just keeps waiting.Once she became cruel and transferred from Beijing to another place to work, but it was not so simple to cut off the relationship, and it was not so simple to transfer back to Beijing. The woman would travel thousands of miles to Beijing as long as she had a three-day vacation.At that time, the man became more seriously ill and couldn't move his whole body. He lived in the same ward with me.After the woman left, the man said to me: If you love her, you can't harm her, unless you don't love her, but then why do you want to get married?The man fell asleep, and the woman said to me: I know he loves me, but he doesn't understand that he is actually hurting me, I really want to leave, I tried, no, I know I can't do not love him.The woman left and the man said to me again: No, no, she is still young, she still has a chance, she has to get married, she cannot live without love.The man fell asleep and the woman said to me again: But what is an opportunity?The opportunity is not outside but in the heart, the opportunity of marriage may be outside, but the opportunity of love can only be in the heart.When the woman was away, I told the man what she said, and the man wept silently.I asked him, "Why can't you marry her?" He said, "You don't understand that yet." He said, "It's hard to say, because you live in the whole world." He said, "So , Sometimes it’s not something that can be decided by just two people.” I really didn’t understand it at the time.I found an opportunity to ask the woman again: "Why can't two people decide?" She said: "No, I don't think so." She said: "But yes, sometimes it is really difficult." She pondered for a long time, Said: "Really, I tell you that you don't understand now." Nineteen years have passed, and the couple should be old people by now.I don't know where they are now, I only heard that they broke up later.In the past nineteen years, I have experienced love myself. Now if a twenty-one-year-old person asks me what is love?Probably I can only answer: Really, this may never be clear.Whatever she is, she is seldom of language, but all of heart.The Taiwanese writer Sanmao was right when he said: Love is like Zen.It was also at the end of a fairy tale, God set a cruel but seductive riddle for us to pursue and live forever. At the age of twenty-one, I was carried out of the hospital by my friends, which I never expected when I entered the hospital.I'm not dead, I can't go anymore, I have hope and fear for the future.In the years to come, many unexpected things will happen to me, and I still sometimes silently recite "God bless" and fall into a daze.But one day I met God, who has a more specific name—Spirit.In the bewilderment of science, in the chaos of fate, man can only turn to his own spirit.Whatever we believe in is the description and guidance of our own spirit.