Chapter 4 "Things of the Past" Three Essays on "Cultural Revolution" Remembering Ashamed

"Cultural Revolution" ashamed essay three (1) 1. Toys The first toy I ever had was a small red car, less than one length long, with a very simple shell made of iron sheet, with a few windows but no door, through the window I could see an inertial wheel, put the rear wheel on the ground With friction, you can run "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"I can still hear it now.I don't remember how it ended up leaving me, sometimes I imagine where it is now, or where it has become now. But I remember how it came about.It was a double blessing that day. My mother wanted to take me to Beihai to play, and said that my uncle would buy me such a car.I remember being so solemn when my mother buttoned my collar; before that, and long after that, I had no idea there was a more beautiful and extravagant toy than that little car.When I arrived in front of Beihai Gate, I looked around and could not see my uncle.I reminded my mother: Is uncle really going to buy me a car?The mother said: "Okay, you stand here and wait, don't move, I will be back in a while." The mother walked into a row of old houses next to it.I stood a few meters away from the row of old houses and looked around. Maybe at this moment, the green doors and windows, red beams and high blue-gray steps of the row of old houses walked into my eternal life. memory.After standing alone for a while, I suddenly realized that it was a store, maybe my uncle had already bought me a car in it, so I walked over and climbed up very high steps.There were a lot of people in the room, and there were legs everywhere. I tried to get between the crowded legs and get close to the counter, but every time I failed, as soon as I saw the counter, I was squeezed away by those legs again.Those legs are basically blue and have no eyes.I bumped back and forth in those blue swirls, and finally my eyes lit up, only to find that I was standing outside the store again.I didn't see my uncle or my mother, so I thought I'd better stand at the original place, so I climbed down the very high steps and looked at the green doors, windows and red beams from a distance.In the blink of an eye, my mother came from nowhere, holding the car in her hand.I got my hands on it for the first time in my life and saw that it had some decent windows but no doors - I wasn't disappointed at all, just a second of skepticism and years of envisioning it , imagine what kind of door it should have.I am a child who is easily ashamed, and I feel that I should not just be happy when I hold that car.I asked, "Where is uncle, why hasn't he come out?" My mother was taken aback for a moment, followed my gaze to look up the high steps of the store, and then smiled and said, "No, uncle didn't come." Do you want to buy it?" "Yes, uncle bought it for you." "But he didn't come?" "He gave me money and asked me to buy it for you." Now I understood, and I said, "Uncle gave it to you." You bought the money for me, right?" "Yes." "Then why do you say that uncle bought it for me?" "The money that uncle gave you is what uncle bought for you." I was confused again: " But how did he buy it when he didn’t come?” Most of the time in Beihai that day, my mother explained to me why my uncle bought me this car.I don't understand, and no matter how my mother explains it, I will never understand it.Even in the following years, I was still stubborn and stubborn. Whenever someone asked about the origin of the car, I insisted: "My mother bought it for me." , my mother went into that row of houses to buy it for me."

Yes, that row of houses: green doors and windows, red pillars, very high blue-gray steps.I will never forget.There is a passage in Whitman's poem: "A child went forward day by day; / He saw the first thing, and he turned to it; / And it became a part of him, in that day , or at a certain part of that day, /or lasted for several years, or stretched out several ages formed by several years.” That’s how the row of old houses became a part of me.Many years later, when my mother and the car had left me, and when childhood became an incomparably precious memory, I wanted to visit that row of old houses several times.But very strangely, I can't find it.It remains in my impression alone and incomplete, with green doors and windows, red beams and high steps...but there is no orientation, no background, and nothing around it.I don't look for it anymore.The row of houses in the space may have been dismantled, and it only existed in my time as a part of me for many years.

But one day I suddenly discovered it.I've actually walked past it many times, it just never occurred to me that it might be it.Its steps are so low that I never take it to heart.But that day I went to Beihai again, and occasionally stayed in front of it. I saw a three or four-year-old child climbing up the steps. He struggled to climb up the steps and even used his hands and feet. I suddenly realized that I had forgotten the simplest logic after so many years: The steps don't grow taller as I grow taller.Only then did I look at it carefully.Green doors and windows, yes, red pillars and blue-gray steps, yes, it is it, reason tells me that it should be it.My heart became hot, and incomparable past events flooded in instantly.I made up my mind and stepped back a few meters, believing that I had retreated to the position of the year and looked at it as I did back then.But the longer you look at it, the stranger it becomes, the farther it is from the memory.From then on, the row of houses was divided into two parts and became two parts of me, two parts that were very different or even completely different.So, if I write it, which one should I follow?I began to wonder: what is real.If I look at it again after a few decades when I am old, I think it will be divided into three parts and become three parts of my life.So what is truth, especially when it comes to objective truth?

2. Role In the movies, I've seen a row of a dozen, maybe two dozen newborn babies.The baby room of the maternity department is spotless, they are all wrapped in white swaddling clothes and lined up next to each other, sleeping, the wind is shaking the branches and leaves of the old trees outside the window, but the world has not yet disturbed them, they sleep very peacefully, looking Much the same. At that time, I thought: who were those two children who were next to me? (It is reported that I was also born in the hospital. I must have had such a moment and such a row of first partners.) The row of children who came to the world with me are doing whatever they want to live now. ?Of course it is difficult and there is no need to check.What people in the world are doing, they may be doing, and they may be playing whatever role the world needs.Such as ministers, such as beggars, such as workers, farmers, professors, poets, needless to say, such as villains, of course, such as gentlemen.

Three Essays on "Cultural Revolution" ashamed (2) It is conceivable that there will be no fundamental changes in human dramas for at least tens of hundreds of years, and human dramas still require a variety of roles in thousands of different ways.Then the row of children in the movie can do anything and become any role in the future, so there is roughly an arrangement plan and a distribution ratio.Every day, millions of ignorant but full of desires come to the world.Desire should not be blamed, the simplest reason is: accusation is already a product of desire.But this row of lives, that is to say, this row of desires, cannot be rewarded equally.This row of innocent and childish children, they can't all be Einsteins, they can't all be Wang Xiaoer, they can't all be ordinary people, they can't all be heroines, it doesn't matter, it's not worth it The most nerve-wracking and most frustrating thing is that they can't all have a happy future, and they can't all be lucky. Similarly, it's impossible for them all to become holy or Buddha.Even if there were ninety-nine places of happiness and honor and only one place of misery or ugliness ahead, waiting in the future for these newcomers, the depressing situation would remain the same: who, should play the unfortunate one? ?and why?

I don't believe there can be a happy answer to this question.Sakyamuni's answer may be the most wonderful answer, "I don't go to hell, whoever goes to hell".Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva also said, "Hell is not empty, and I vow not to become a Buddha."But when they answered in this way, he had already transcended pain and stepped into compassion and peace. After he answered in this way, he had already turned from ugliness to a hero, but the question was still there unanswered.Because just like the position of the president is limited, the number of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas may be slightly more.

I'm no longer looking for an answer to it.Nietzsche said: Since I got tired of looking, I learned to find. A friend died. K, she died suddenly in the confusion of fate.Those who love her say we could have kept her alive if we had known sooner.Yes, it is possible.However, who can make the sky bright for the fate of hundreds of millions?Who can guarantee that no one in this world is dying of pain in confusion? K died in this way, or in fact: a man died in this way, and this man's name was precisely K.Because the row of lovely newcomers in the maternity nursery have no names yet. One man was paralyzed in both legs. S, he doesn't know why, even the doctor doesn't know why, but it's impossible for him to stand up and walk for a minute.Those who love him say that in the future, there may be a way to make him stand up and walk again in the future.Possibly, it is possible in the future with an indefinite period.But no matter how long the future is, it is impossible to completely eliminate injuries in the world, and the future of medicine cannot be without new problems.So what is the difference between a person suffering from an incurable disease in the future and the present S for himself and those who love him?The present is the past of the future, the present is the future of the past, and the future is the present of the future.Every day in the maternity nursery there is a row of lovely newcomers, none of whom have names yet.

One man has gone astray. L, maybe because of poverty, maybe because of ignorance, maybe because of the creation of history, he has committed a crime and may even be an unforgivable sin.Those who love him say: Should he alone be responsible for poverty, ignorance and history?Why is he unforgiving?Yes, he is unforgivable, because it is a wrong way for human beings to move forward.But human beings still have to move forward, they still have to encounter wrong paths, and they still need to show that they are wrong paths.Those lovely companions who have just arrived in the maternity nursery have no names yet, who among them will be called L?

One day, neither in the movie nor in the maternity nursery, I saw a row of departing or departing partners, lined up next to each other, extremely quiet, the wind was shaking the branches and leaves of the old trees outside the window but The world no longer disturbed them.Call them by any earthly name, they shall not.They have a common name: dead. Three, marriage 1. I joined the team in a small mountain village in northern Shaanxi.I wrote about that place and called it "Qingping Bay", but the actual name is Guanjiazhuang.Because the river in front of the village is called Qingping River, and the river formed by the siltation of Qingping River is called Qingping River.Qingpingchuan winds for more than a hundred miles, connecting dozens of villages in series.The people who joined the queue in several villages up and down Guanjiazhuang were almost all my classmates who had studied in the same middle school or even the same class.There are exceptions, man A, who is not my classmate but came to Qingpingchuan with us to jump in the queue, he is to be in the same place as my classmate man B.But by mistake, when we arrived at Qingpingchuan, the cadres of the educated youth office of the commune assigned me, B and other classmates to Guanjiazhuang, but placed A and my other classmates in another village.After several setbacks, he failed to change the intention of fate.In this way, man A met my classmate lady C in another village, ate on the same stove, worked in the same field, fetched water from the same well, and went to the market by the same road. People develop from lovers to husband and wife, and they have the same home under the same roof.Once I joked with them and said: "Do you remember who your matchmaker is? It's B!" Everyone froze for a moment, then laughed and said, "No, it's not B, it's the gentlemen from the educated youth office of the commune." Everyone laughed again. With further enlightenment, he said:

"No, no, no, it's not B or those gentlemen, it's the great leader Chairman Mao. If it weren't for his old man's strategic plan, how did A and C meet?" The idea is deduced in this way, and it is suspected to be a matchmaker between A and C. There are many kinds of people and they grow exponentially, and there is no end. 2. I rarely climb high and look far.Sitting in a wheelchair is entering her twentieth year, and there is no end date yet. One day, the elevator took me up to a dozen floors of high-rise buildings. When I looked down from the window, I saw that the hustle and bustle of the city was even more shocking than before.But the ants-like crowd kept running around with their heads buried in their heads, with unpredictable motives; they passed each other, like avoiding a tree or a wall; Dispersed and blended into the flow of people, it is difficult to identify; a string of cars speeding eastward end to end, one of them was tempted by something in an instant, slowed down, got out of the line, turned around, diverted to the west again; a fluttering red skirt, fluttering Fluttering and eye-catching, but suddenly disappeared forever, and replaced by an old man pushing a cart in his original position; the old man walked slowly, pushing a baby carriage, and the children in the carriage cared about themselves Falling asleep... I think this old man and this child are just a symbol of millions of destiny in the world, and their origin and whereabouts are still always mysterious.

Looking at this magnificent human world from a high position is probably just like the testing and observation of the microscopic world by quantum mechanics.The book said: "Classical mechanics has a completely definite property, that is, given the force and mass as well as the initial position and velocity, the future or past properties of the moving object can be accurately predicted. However, in quantum mechanics, Heisenberg cannot predict The quasi-principles point out that the position and momentum of microscopic particles cannot be accurately measured at the same time; therefore Newton's laws cannot be applied to the atomic range. The laws of quantum mechanics do not describe the details of particle orbits, it can only give possible events and their in different situations. The relative probability of what happens next.” According to the book, later on, physicists regarded all matter as having wave-particle duality.I think that human beings also have wave-particle duality in the same way.You are a particle in a position every moment, but you are moving every moment, and your history is just an uninterrupted wave, so you are in any position at any moment, and your fate is equally unpredictable.The book says: "The material world is composed of infinite fields that exist at the same time." Then the human society must be the same; among the infinitely intertwined combinations of billions of destiny tracks, a person's destiny is really in the air. It's time to worry.Can you know what you are heading for now?Can you know what fate is coming your way? "Cultural Revolution" ashamed prose three (3) Sitting in front of the window of a dozen-story building, I thought of a boy from the past.When the boy was seven years old, he once asked his mother, "What is marriage?" The mother said, "A man and a woman, they want to live together." The seven-year-old boy then asked his father, "You marry Have you?" The father said, "If I were your father, I must have been married." The boy thought for a while in a daze, and said, "I'm not married." The mother laughed, "Of course you don't want to get married now." , but you will get married in the future." "Why?" "Because, generally speaking, all people want to get married." The boy thought about it seriously all afternoon, and at night he asked his mother: "Then I Who are you going to marry?" The mother said, "No one knows now. But that girl may be walking towards you." So the boy went to the balcony alone, looking down at the people rushing on the street, trying to identify That girl, I really want to see where she came from... At this time, I suddenly thought of asking my wife: "Where were you when I was seven years old?" She was reading a book, looked up at me, and said, "Don't forget next time—it will be three years later. I was born in 2010." She smiled.But I didn't laugh. "Then where were your parents at that time?" "Probably at that time," she said as she lowered her head again, "my parents didn't know each other yet." 3. A friend from Shanghai told me that the Bund on a summer night has the highest density of couples in the world.The scorching sun is setting, the bright moon is rising, and when the river wind blows away the fumigated heat, look, beside the fence along the river, lovers of men and women are pouring out their hearts in front of the water. The welcome and farewell in the lane; a pair next to each other, a pair of a pair of a pair without even leaving a gap between each other, a man and a woman, a man and a woman, a man and a woman, if you ignore the twist of each head, let you guess Which two are a pair, you have a 50% chance of ordering a mandarin duck by mistake.I'm a little skeptical of his description. "Why don't you believe it?" My imaginative friend laughed and said, "Let's put it this way, if someone gives an order at this time, such as shouting one, two, three, or blowing a whistle, lovers and lovers don't need to do it." Just turn your head 180 degrees at the same time, and you can continue to talk about love in a new combination." "It is probable," said I, "that such an order has already been given." "Did you play it?" This time it was his turn to doubt. "Downloaded, but you didn't hear." "Did you hear that?" "I sometimes feel like I hear it. God's whistle blows long before you go to the Bund, long before you go to the Bund, so you see what you see, you see what you can only see combination." Not long ago I read a book that talked about shuffling.To start a game of cards (whether it is poker or mahjong), the cards must be shuffled first.Successive losers complain about bad luck, especially when they have to shuffle the cards. He can't rest assured after being shuffled by others.The author of that book said: Of course this will change his card luck, but whether it has changed for the better or worse can never be known.The various arrangements washed away by you have disappeared before they exist, and God only takes one of them to encounter you.