Chapter 44 feelings

I don't know when it started, I became a person who is easily anxious. As I get older, I no longer care about many things that I have to care about, and many longing dreams no longer make people upside down. On the surface, I already seem to be a good citizen who can be reassured and follow the rules, but in my heart I am still secretly thriving. There was a muffled thunder, waiting for some kind of explosion from time to time. Still weeping, when I was reading the story of Zhuge Liang, Marquis Wu sighed in vain, and stepped out of the thatched cottage; when I was passing by Rome and saw Michelangelo's chiseling every trace was a sad wish to open up the world, in the middle of the night Sleeping, when I look deeply at the sleeping faces of my children.

Suddenly I was forty years old, and I felt like I had turned into two, one was grinning, looked at the other coldly with folded hands, and said: "Hey, hey, hey, you're forty, and I want to see what you'll be like at forty!" So I began to wait seriously, stretching my neck full of curiosity and excitement to look at the upcoming "When I'm Forty", almost forgetting that I was the one starring. Several years ago, I saw an English motto on a plain wall of a friend, which said: "Today is the first day of the rest of my life." I stared at it for a long time without saying a word, but I was secretly dissatisfied:

"No, today is the last day of this life so far." I am always in a hurry, how much is left for the rest of my life, who knows?Is it really as long as the poet said, "comb 36,000 times in a hundred years"?Or is it the overbearing and inhumane "four seasons come and go, cold and heat become thieves, steal people's beauty, and steal people's blackness"?One year, seeing his friend Shi Weiliang, who was suffering from cancer, go away inch by inch, that day was February 14th, Valentine’s Day on the calendar, he must still have a very lingering love, “China” is always the same at the beginning The last lover, however, he was gone, on Valentine's Day.

When am I going?who knows?I only know that the world is in a catastrophe, and all living people are lucky. I only know that today is my last day. Love what should be loved before it is too late, and hate what should be hated before it is too late. . When I came back from Nepal, India, I had a little pride in the world, good mountains and rivers, good travel companions, and good feelings. So far in life, what more can I ask for?How can you boast?After I came back, I was eager to see the lotus in the botanical garden. I didn’t dare to look at the lotus in September, but maybe the lotus lake in Cashmere made people want to go crazy, and I always wanted to see my own fragrant red. The thought of them still there was even hotter than it had been in June.When I got home, I hurriedly called Murong and told Murong, but I didn't expect this person to be sinister, and he had already seen it.

"Have you ever thought," she said, "that even this pool of lotus flowers is not what we 'should' have!" People have to live for many years to know how to be grateful, and to know that everything comes from looking at it. The emerald color and the cool breeze blowing in your ears are all luxurious heavenly favorites.Only then did I know that every moment in my life is a piece of feather borrowed from eternity, and I believed that every ray of tenderness in my chest is the gleam of infinite secrets. And what does all this have to do with forty years old? I think of the oriental women in ancient times who carefully stored the ointment in the jade bottle. When the ointment was filled bit by bit, she suddenly longed to throw it on the spot and wipe away the strong fragrance all at once, ah!Just once like that is enough.

Thinking of the swordsman in the quatrain, "I have sharpened my sword for ten years, but I have never tried the frost edge. Today, it looks like a king. Who is wrong?" It is clear that a swordsman is holding his sword. He stepped out of the saddle in the early morning, eager to try it out. Thinking of my friend Liangxuan, who was seventeen years old, passed Zhonghua Road, and saw a couplet by Yu Youren in a low-rise restaurant, "Happy with the world, and equals the injustices of others."If there is anything to contend with in life, it’s nothing more than these, right? I also thought of Yang Mu’s paper fan, which was bought in Shaoguang, Zhejiang Province, where Qiu Jin’s former residence was, and a poem was inscribed on the fan:

Continuous rain, Qingming, small pavilion and autumn, Hengdao Qimeng is a short time travel. For a hundred years, I have envied the Yueyuan girl, There is no land in this life, I throw my head. In the years of the Cold War, there was no passion for throwing heads. However, I am forty years old. I am the woman who raised the bottle and wanted to throw it. I am the boy who went straight with a knife. There is always one thing in the world, waiting I do it, and there is always a sword in the stone trough, waiting for me to draw it. Last September, our family of four visited Hengchun.Since my natal family has lived in Pingtung for 28 years, I feel that I have every reason to regard that piece of land as my hometown.The sun is thin and golden, the autumn wind is thin and cool, and the white waves on the cat's nose are as white as pearls and jade. Standing in the confusion, looking back at the insignificant life experience, everything that I envied when I was young is now available.I once heard people say that when a shooting star passes through the sky, if I can say my wish quickly, it will come true. At that time, I was so eager to improve my articulation. Now, when the shooting star passes by, I can only say contentedly:

"God, I ask for nothing!" However, on that day, I walked in front of a small stall, and some brown-spotted birds were tied in a string like fruit and hung at the door. After I got used to it, I reached out and touched it. Suddenly, the bird turned around and pecked at it. I took a bite, I felt pain and shock, I quickly withdrew my hand, and stood there in a panic. At that moment, I suddenly forgot the pain and remembered the life of the bird for the first time. It must also be sentient and knowing, right?It must also be in distress, right?It also faintly feels unwilling to face death, right?It is also depressed, angry, sad and frustrating like crazy, right?

My heart hurts more than my hands.This was the first time I met the unfortunate Shrike, which had been a name in my old desk until then, "July Ming". It is the Shrike, and the Shrike is also part of the allusion of "Lao Yan Flying". Walking a little further, my friend showed me the roasted bird, and walking further, he pointed out the tip of the beak of the little shrikes piled up on the ground. "If you catch it, break the mouth first, so as not to bite people. Then kill and roast. The one that bit you just now is because it intends to sell you, so the tip of the mouth is not broken."

My friend is a conscientious tour guide, but I am confused.Is this my hometown Pingtung?Is this the ancient and beautiful Hengchun Old Town?Is this the town with glowing "shell sand" on the beach?Is this the mythical land where the blue flame of imperial energy will light up from Ozawa after nightfall? Shouldn't "Hengchun" be "Eternal Spring"?Why did I step on the tip of the bird's beak step by step in the thrilling sunset before the famous "Guanshan sunset"? Do you want to meddle in this nosy business? I have been living in so-called academic units for decades, and the reality and calculations of academics are sometimes more serious than that of businessmen. A frank professor said:

"Are you asking me to help with food inspection? What good is that for my research plan? This kind of thing is done by the management of the health department. They don't do it. What's my business? How do you mess up in academia?" What he said is not wrong, but I sometimes think of Hu Hu Jinquan's "Dragon Inn", the door suddenly opened, and the knight in white floated into the house. "What are you doing?" "Midget your own business!" What an eloquent answer. Why do I think of these?Will there still be youthful romance at the age of forty?Why is there always a faint call in the air, which makes people uneasy. I don't like the image of "kind-hearted people". "Benevolent eyebrows and kind eyes" always seem to be related to aging, womanhood, and weakness.As for me, when I do things, I always have a very angry nature, angry that life is not respected, and angry that the environment is not cherished.But, really, should I mind my own business?In spite of it, the money will be wasted, the sleep will be more deprived, the mental and physical strength will be more exhausted, and, besides, people will be regarded as my least favorite "philanthropist", should I still intervene in it? Liang, who teaches philosophy, came from Hong Kong and was amazed to see that I had planted a bed of flowers on the roof.Seeing him, I suddenly chattered and became philosophical while laughing. "You know, in this world, I finally gradually understand that there are too few things that I can control. Can you control the fight in Northern Ireland? Can you control the fight in Pakistan? Fourth grade in primary school There is a song in my music textbook that goes like this: "Look at our young heroes, running forward with trembling spirits, shouting slogans from the bottom of our hearts, we must reshape the world, seek equality for the nation, strive for justice for mankind, and make the world There is laughter everywhere among the nations.' At that time, whenever the wind blows, I like to sing this song and go forward against the wind. However, thirty years have passed, and I dare not say such big words again, 'We must rebuild the world. Transformation', I don't have this kind of ability, so I had to go home and plant a corner of the flower garden, commanding the red flowers and green flowers of the four seasons, this is what Xin Jiaxuan said, when a person reaches a certain age, he suddenly finds that the world's affairs can't be controlled, so he has to look back' Nai Weng Still take care of it, take care of the bamboo, the mountains, and the water. 'As for me, I will take care of a few flowers now." When I said it, I was joking, and my friend listened carefully, but I also know that although I have never been afraid of "showing others my true self", I have never "shown others my whole self". Planting flowers is true, so I deliberately bought a bamboo bed bamboo It's true to put a chair on the balcony to watch the stars, but it's like the teenagers on Chang'an Street in ancient times. He heard the sound of metal and iron in his ears, only to realize that he couldn't get out in time. One night, I rested from the tiredness of galloping all day long. On an October night, it was moderately cool, and I was comfortably alone on a couch designed for reading. It was a little pampering for myself!I like to chat in my life, sitting in the research room is chatting with the ancients, and chatting with the Westerners.Reading leisurely books and newspapers at night is to chat with the people of the time, writing articles is to chat with the world and future generations, and when traveling, it is to chat with dignitaries, dignitaries or old farmers. . Suddenly, a pair of melancholy and sullen eyes looked at me from an inconspicuous corner at the bottom right of the newspaper, a pair of eagle eyes, and I began to feel uneasy.The reason for the uneasiness may be that the eyes are born with the sharpness of the eagle family, but there are more than that, I read on quietly, in Hualien, a town called Yuli, and a town called Zhuoxi Township Gufeng In the village, a "Hector's horned eagle" was arrested.I never knew the name of the Horned Eagle, so I quickly checked the books and found out that it traveled south from the Himalayas and northwestern Yunnan tens of thousands of years ago, and then stayed in the Central Mountains. It is not a unique bird in Taiwan. They are not migratory birds passing by by chance, but "resident birds". This stay lasts for tens of thousands of years, which sounds like an endless love story. But someone caught this bird with iron traps and sold it for 5,000 yuan. I jumped up and made a long-distance call to Yuli. It was late at night and no one answered. I ran to the desk to write a letter, anxious to find a time-limited envelope for readers to submit. , Looking at the watch, it is already five o'clock in the morning, how could it be so late?That's the only way to go, is it important to save lives? When I came back from the car, my heart was calm and excited. Some troubles might be caused. Some people would scold me for showing off, some people would say that I was trying to make money out of my name, and some people would say straight out: "I think she is going to run for election! "Don't care about him, I'll go to sleep for two hours first!I began to vaguely understand why I was uneasy during the face-to-face meeting with the eagle just now. I knew that there was a calling, an irresistible calling that was almost destined, the voice was soft and steady, and the voice was speechless , but as clear as face to face, the voice said: "Speak for the sufferer who cannot speak for himself! Speak for the aggrieved who cannot speak for himself!" Then, after the ups and downs in the newspapers, the scouts came out everywhere, but they didn’t know where the eagle was. Since when did my life become inexplicably connected with an eagle?Every time I stare at the photo, imagining its safety at the moment and the fate of life, it is really strange.Twenty days later, I arrived in Hualien and presided over two symposiums. I stayed in the hotel that night. When the door was closed, the sound of the tide came faintly from the corridor, and my heart was filled with strange gratitude. Many, but this one was booked and paid for by the elders in Hualien. I am grateful that my little kindness and care are accepted by others. Sometimes I feel like an old monk who preaches alms. I can also form sincere friends with people. Tonight, I have been paid for a meal and set up a couch for sleeping. I am really thankful. Compared with the ascetic monks who lived in the wind and slept in the open in ancient times, I am lucky. The next morning, I took a bus to Yilan. I heard that the Hirsch's hawk that was hunted down last time died there while being smuggled to Taipei.Zhang Wanfu, a bird expert, and I traveled from Luodong to Yilan, and finally found in the freezer of a "mountain product shop" the alpine creature that once soared to the clouds, but now it is a bone that is as solid as ice.Standing in an unfamiliar town at noon, the jars of poisonous snake medicinal wine in the mountain product shop looked down on me from the shelf.Such a result was actually more or less expected, but I still couldn't help feeling sad.At the age of forty, in a full body, standing in front of a ruined mountain product shop on a small street in a small town, unwilling to admit defeat, what is it that he wants to fight against? I packed it with Zhang Wanfu in a hurry and rushed home on the Beiyi Highway. I said goodbye in Taipei at dusk, and I was filled with gratitude to see him continue on his way to Taichung.Just for me to make a long-distance call, he was willing to give up two days, carrying a large pack of slides, from Taichung to Taipei and then to Hualien to "Shuowiao".This person is also a strange person, an Amis, graduated from the Law Department of National Taiwan University, worked in the US military advisory group, and received a high salary, but suddenly found that the so-called lawyers were often on the side of the rich and powerful but unreasonable. This was no small surprise, so he resigned Instead, I ran to the East China Sea of ​​Dadu Mountain and devoted myself to studying the ecology of birds.The story sounds as miraculous as the Jiangyang bandit who suddenly closed the mountain and stopped doing it, cut off his hair and converted, and rescued everyone.But he is such an ordinary person, he would stay in the wild from 6:00 am to 6:00 pm in a foolish way, carefully counting the records of the 480 feedings of the brown-faced warbler's mother bird.And will learn the different songs of birds one by one at the symposium.But now, "Herst's Horned Eagle" asked him to make a specimen. A week later, the young eagle with a pink feather on its chest will spread its wings obediently and stop on the specimen holder obediently, without any iron clips to hold it It's gone, and there are no merchants going to sell it anymore, the eternal wings!In the twilight and dust of Taipei, I saw him and the eagle go away, and I couldn't tell the hot and cold in my heart for a while. Am I a bird lover?No, the thing I love must not be called a bird, so what is it?Maybe it's the fluttering of the bird's wings, or the high-spirited movement across the sky, maybe what I love is not this, it's an indescribable display of vitality, a desire to break through the infinite time and space. I once loved the grass and smoke of Greek ruins in translated poems, I once loved the bright beaches of Hawaii on landscape postcards, I was fascinated by "the water of the Yellow River comes from the sky" in online books, and I once wanted to drive by myself in the songs of Jiangnan Yiye was lost in a boat of ten miles of lotus fragrance... and half his life was busy, sitting in shock under the lamp, and suddenly found that the one who was dreaming was still an eagle bird on the central mountain range that I had never seen before. At the age of forty, there is no extra emotion and time to squander, and love the land under your heels exclusively!And piously protect the blue sky above your head!I don't know a single card in my life, but I was born with the character of a big gambler. I don't know the value of the chip I bet, but I only know that it is the rest of my life. What is I betting on?It's when I can see clearer rivers, fresher air, greener forests, and more fertile wild life when my eyelids are drooping. How about winning or losing?Who knows?But after such a big struggle, it is worthwhile to be a human being. I went to see a movie called "Forty-one Skills of Women" with my husband, and I couldn't stop laughing on the way home. Love in Hollywood has always been so simple and absurd. "What about you?" The husband joked, "Are you a woman?" "No," I became serious, "I am a 'forty-one fruit for a woman', a woman still grows a flower at the age of forty, and it is not a flower in bud, but if it is a fruit, it is very green and green. Ripe fruit!" Everything is just right, I have the leisure time to watch the clouds, but also have the hot-hearted guts, there are places where I have not restrained and do not want to be restrained, and I am envied by others, and I am ordinary and honest enough to allow others to be friendly. Like a naive child, there is also a vast country that allows me to stretch out my arms like a mother, with the arrogance of sudden anger, and the indifference of a deep smile. What else is there to say?The tender buds have passed, and the flowering period has passed. Now I plan to make a fruit. When the fruit is ripe and the stems fall, I hope that God will allow me to be a nucleus, and I will be transformed into a new place, looking forward to another degree of buds and leaves.