Chapter 18 say

say In order to be talkative, I have suffered a lot; when I was born, my father crossed the Pacific Ocean and went to Columbia University to "study" his banking studies, and my mother also entered the women's normal school and put me in foster care. At my grandmother's house, I hired a flat-billed nurse.Grandma's family is in a mountainous village fifty or sixty miles away from the city. Grandpa was also a scholar when he was alive, but he went to the underground to "research literature" twelve years ago. He has no son, and only my mother and aunt are left. daughter.When I was born, my aunt had died the year before, and besides my grandmother, there was another aunt who was bought by my grandfather for 120 yuan to give birth to a son. Unexpectedly, within a year after entering the house, my grandfather suffered from a Typhoid fever died, and no eggs were laid.Country women don’t have foolish ideas, as long as they don’t get cold or hungry, they’ll be fine, so she kept festivals with her grandmother for twelve years since she was nineteen. passable.The adoptive uncle was studying business in the middle school in the city, so in this old big house facing the mountains and rivers, there were only five women, grandma, aunt, old lady, grandma and me, and the only male was the doorkeeper Ah Hua.

According to them, I was not quiet when I was a baby, I cried when I was teased, laughed when I was teased, and I had to be carried away in the middle of the night.He spoke very early, and he would call his mother after six or seven months.When I was two years old, I became even more noisy, hoarse all day long, and refused to turn off the lights in the middle of the night, sleeping on the bed with my grandmother, pointing at the patterns on the floral linen curtains and shouting: "Orchids, plum blossoms, butterflies!" After weaning, my grandma often asked my aunt to carry me to the next door to play with the fourth mother-in-law, the third aunt, and the eldest son. Because I was not afraid of life, they would tease and joke with me and call me "little parrot" and Xue Tuanyin. Cakes and other snacks are always too much to eat every day.Women in mountain villages don't know what "elegance" and "delicacy" are. In winter, everyone chats and laughs around under the sun. It caused me to suffer a lot in the future.

When I was six years old, my grandmother married my step-uncle, and there was another person in the house.That aunt was polite to me on the surface, but deep down she hated me for eating too much food from my grandmother's house, and maybe when I found out in the future, my grandmother would give me all her pearls and jades, so she often said behind my back I beg my son's mouth to please the grown-ups, so that I can cheat something. My aunt also knows a lot about this kind of work, and I will pass it on to my grandma. Once, my aunt carried me up the mountain to climb wild bamboo shoots. On the way back, I was so happy that I hugged my aunt's neck and shouted: "Auntie is a little mother! Auntie is a bitch!" It was taught to me by my aunt. It sounded interesting to me, and I kept it in my heart. Now, to express my happiness and gratitude to my aunt, I hummed it aloud. Unexpectedly, my aunt suddenly changed her face and pinched me. After a while, he scolded: "Look at your good fortune in the future, go to be the empress!I was born to be a little mother.The same father and mother were born in ten months, so what's the point? "Speaking, I went home, threw the wild bamboo shoots at my grandmother's feet, told me angrily, and said that I would go to my grandfather's grave and cry. My grandmother also became angry, and said angrily: "You are not a little mother , should it be his grandfather who brought you here in a sedan chair?What a hero!The child's family has something to worry about, so she should prepare incense candles and kowtow to you!You are here if you are happy, and if you are not happy, you can go back to your hometown and eat yams, but I lost a hundred and twenty yuan! "My aunt was so scolded that she went into the room crying, and since then she just ignored me when she saw her.

My aunt saw that her first plan was successful, so after a few days, she pulled me over to eat fried rice candies with a smile on her face, and then quietly taught me to shout in front of my grandmother: "Grandma is a lonely old woman who has no children or grandchildren / I smile I took the running belt and jumped over and said, my grandma asked the teacher, and I leaned on her lap and smiled triumphantly: "Baby said it himself-the orphan wife, the broken offspring/While talking, he took care of the fried rice essence sticking to his mouth When I got to my grandma’s trousers, my grandma asked me which fried rice candy is for you to eat, so my aunt’s abetting crime was exposed. Both grandma and aunt scolded her for disturbing the family, and the country women didn’t understand etiquette and family education, so they also scolded their mother-in-law When I got up, my grandmother was trembling with anger, and immediately sent my cousin, Afa, to my natal house to call for my brother, and at the same time asked someone to send a letter to my mother.At that time, my father had returned to China the previous year to work in the Bank of China in Hankou, and my mother raised a younger brother who lived with his parents-in-law at home.

At dusk, the uncles arrived in four sedan chairs, and grandma killed chickens and prepared rice for them.Seeing that the mother had already made a big fuss, she had already fled back to her mother's house crying.So the four men and two women discussed for a while, and decided to abolish the inheritance, so as to save the grandmother from suffering.The next day, my mother also came by rowing boat. After asking the reason, she persuaded my grandmother to do more than to do less. She suggested that she take me back, saying that she was going to send me to school next year.But the uncles all thought that they had committed seven crimes by destroying their prestige in such a way and not doing anything to their uncles. If the uncle was unwilling to give up the family wealth, he would have to drive his wife out.The mother kept urging her, and the aunt's natal family and her husband's biological parents were also in a hurry, and they came to the mother and uncle to speak good words, asking them to persuade grandma, the adults don't remember the villain, and only order the uncle to come back, the couple The two of them kowtowed to grandma for tea.That day the living room was full of people, so I jumped up and down to watch the excitement, so happy that I didn't even think about eating. ——The matter came to an end, and I went home with my mother.

My family is a big family. In addition to grandparents, there are many aunts and cousins ​​in the family. Although they live together in a big house, they live separately, and each family has a maid and nurse.Although the house surrounded many people, it was never noisy.Everyone is polite, speaks lightly and slowly, and never leaves the room easily; every morning and evening, they go to the grandparents to say hello.The whole hall was filled with dark people, but there was no sound, and the children were all very gentle.However, since joining a wild child who just ran out from the mountain village, the situation has changed. The brothers and sisters have all learned their mother's X, and the older brothers and sisters are also yearning for Taozi Mountain and Kumquat Mountain.Seeing that everyone is not as knowledgeable as I am, I am even more proud. I talk to them about my grandmother’s house all day long, such as climbing wild bamboo shoots, touching snails, roasting beef with salt vegetable juice, and pouring beef. I bought beef everywhere, and I was reluctant to kill my own cattle to eat. Only when a certain cattle died of disease, Hecun began to eat beef.) Watching my aunt dig potatoes, and grandma took a pipe and sat on a stone bench I went to chat with Mrs. Zhang... Aunt Bom, the servants, etc. all covered their mouths and laughed, and I also laughed proudly, but my mother was deeply ashamed, and she beat her several times, but she still didn't know how to repent. Can't eat.It was my grandfather who called me to live with them, and told me stories in a friendly manner every day, which enriched the material I talked about, and the yam, wild bamboo shoots and mother's X were not mentioned much.I listened to the story very attentively, and I was able to tell others the whole sentence after listening to it once, so my grandfather was very proud of his short beard and said: "I said that this child is not naughty, it is because you don't know how to follow the rules. In the future, I may be even higher than my brothers and sisters!" My grandfather's words are powerful, so not only did everyone not laugh at me, but they all agreed with me and praised me for being smart. Of course, my mother's teeth would not hurt at that time, and she wrote I wrote a letter to my father, and my father was very happy.

In the autumn when I was eight years old, my father became the manager of the Shanghai company and made some money in the stock exchange, so I got my family papers and I transferred to a primary school in an alley.My father has a lot of friends, and they have entertainment almost every night. My mother dressed me up like a butterfly, and followed them to eat big dishes and go for a drive every night.My father often told me to call Uncle Huang and Uncle Zhang, and told stories and sang songs in front of the guests, "This is my little parrot!" My father pointed to me and told the guests. Of course, the guests praised me a few times, and my mother smiled gently.

However, there is also one thing that makes my mother the most unhappy, that is, when I come back from school, I like to take the maid driver and others to talk about the past, such as climbing wild bamboo shoots and moulding snails; "It will not be difficult to tell these next time!" "Ah, darling, don't say these words, Mom will buy cherry blossom jelly candies for you."This really made it impossible for the mother who graduated from the women's normal school to practice her educational theory. "Isn't this child blessed?" The mother sighed alone, because her father had said to her.I am planning to study until I graduate from university in the future, and I am also planning to find a tutor to teach English conversation, music and dance after class. If I have the opportunity in the future, I can be the wife of a minister. Now I feel that I am so obsessed with the mountains and villages, so I have to be a cowherd. .

Moreover, gradually, even my father got a taste of this disappointment, either during the meal while climbing Banxiang Garden, "Why are there no wild bamboo shoots here?" or during the time of eating bloody steak, "Is this roasted with salt vegetable juice?" Many guests, their parents are too busy to hesitate, the embarrassment is conceivable.After four or five times like this, the father told his mother disappointedly: "Next time, you don't have to take her outside, it's really shameful! From now on, she won't be allowed to talk too much, women should focus on chastity..." So I don’t wear clothes like flowers and butterflies anymore, and my servants urge me to read and write every night, and my Chinese level has improved a lot; my father bought another fairy tale for me to read. The title of the book is The Golden Turtle, and it says that a king loves His talk made everyone hate him; at the same time, there was a geese in the imperial garden who was also very talkative, and was driven out by his companions and had nowhere to go. Two geese saw him and took pity on him, so they took him to another place, so they found a bamboo stick. The two geese cut their two ends, told the tortoise to bite the middle point, and flew freely in the air, and told him not to speak; on the way, he met some children, and the tortoise shouted curiously: "Look, there are two geese. Fly with the tortoise! ​​Hurry up and shoot it down!" The tortoise was furious when he heard this, and wanted to write a few words back, but unexpectedly fell to the ground with a mouthful, and fell to pieces; A golden tortoise was cast at the gate of the palace, thinking that many words would be enough. ——The purpose of my father buying this book for me was to hope that I could follow the example of the king. Unexpectedly, I was unmoved after reading the latter, and added a conversation material, which was told to the servant girl and then to the coachman, My father was so angry that he used negative methods to prohibit anyone in the family from chatting with me, but this had no effect on me. There are so many classmates in the school!

Four years later, the speculation failed, the bank collapsed, and his father died of illness.Not long after, I accidentally ran into an ambiguous situation between the principal and a certain classmate, so I publicized it without knowing the severity. It happened that I was not careful. The tents were set on fire, and according to the principal's wishes, I was going to be expelled. Fortunately, all the teachers, because of my unintentional negligence and the fact that I was graduating soon, treated me extrajudicially, and recorded it as a serious misfortune.This caused a student riot, and as a result, the principal was expelled, a certain classmate was expelled, and my family pardoned me, forcing me to drop out of school and go home. The so-called disaster came out of my mouth.

However, my interest in talking has not been diminished by this.Sometimes I see one or two gratifying words in a book, and I read it together with no less than one person, and I always feel like I won’t let go of it.Sometimes I have an interesting dream in the middle of the night, and when I wake up I have to silently memorize it several times in preparation for telling it to others the next morning;There are many words, I know that after speaking, it will not benefit the listeners or myself, but I still have to say it, so that I can feel at ease.This kind of mentality, I think, maybe most people are like this, otherwise, Zhuangzi dreamed of turning into a butterfly, even though he was in a good mood, and Tao Yuanming met Nanshan under the east fence, even though he was in a good mood to appreciate the leisurely, why bother to say it in words out?Li Taibai, they all love quietness, but they also need to tell people that they once had a certain state of mind in a certain realm, so that people have the opportunity to appreciate the "toast to invite the bright moon, and the shadows form three people" taste.So I think everyone likes to say what they like to say, who they like to say to, how they like to say it, and what they hope will happen after they say it. For emotional women, it is harder than anything else to tell them to keep secrets.I seem to be in Chancel's Cantorbmp. I saw one in Tds, saying that it was a woman whose husband asked her not to tell others about something. In order to protect her husband's happiness, she had to keep it a secret, but she felt very uncomfortable like depressed. , Finally quietly ran to the stream and told the gurgling water about it. When we were in junior high school, a group of us girls were vigorously striving for the struggle of life and the pursuit of ideals. Of course, rigid textbooks could not satisfy our desires, so new literature and art magazines and novels became our daily homework, and we secretly read them in get out of class. , I jumped onto the podium after class, sat down on the table, and condescended to talk about the words in the discussion book. We disagree, but the more we argue, the more interesting it is.I have a temper, that is, I am easy to disagree with others. When people praise the single-mindedness of love, I would like to oppose monogamy: "It is the most boring." A place, will you get bored with that thing?Life needs change, how tedious it is to defend a wife or husband for forty or fifty years! "So everyone objected, and I defended myself in the midst of attacks from all sides. But if someone advocates the absolute freedom of marriage and divorce, I have to raise a factual issue, saying that the relationship between a married woman must be protected by law. In fact, I did not What kind of prejudice is just blindly curious and innovative, so as to appear different. No matter what the term is, it is always good to have a new one. It should be memorized quickly so that it can be used at any time. He was severely reprimanded for writing "My dearest grandfather", but this is not because the new Huatou is bad, because the grandfather's mind is not in line with the trend of the twentieth century. Moreover, my thinking changes very quickly, so there are contradictions in the context; I read an article by Ms. Bing Xin today and praised the greatness of maternal love, and watched a love movie tomorrow and advocated the supremacy of love. My mother didn't hesitate. The day after tomorrow, I heard someone tell a story about beating a thin lover with a stick, saying that everything in the world is empty, and it is best to shave your hair and become a nun. Maybe it was because of my age. At that time, I knew how to cover up what I said, and I was no longer as frank as I was when I was a child. I was willing to tell others all the indecent things about digging potatoes and moulding snails.It is unavoidable to conceal the truth, so what I told people at that time was somewhat mythologized, and sometimes I even completely fabricated a beautiful story.I'm not maliciously deceiving people, I just think I'm talking for fun.For example, when the night is like water and the sky is full of stars, four or five female classmates are sitting around on the grass. Miss Wang said that her lover would lick the tears off her cheeks with his tongue when she saw her crying. I wrote a passage of nasty words in a love letter sent to her by her aunt and cousin. When everyone finished telling the love story and asked me hard, can I say that I have never tasted love?This is tantamount to declaring one's beauty a death sentence, which woman is willing to taste the taste of love?This is tantamount to a death sentence for declaring one's beauty. Which woman admits that she is not beautiful before?So, all right!You show off your beauty, someone loves you and shows off your luck to me, I also make up a beautiful story to prove my cuteness, and make a man willing to die for love, because the living lover may change his heart in three days and stop breathing. It was Geiger who decided, completely captive to me.After making up your mind, you raised your eyebrows, deliberately pretended to be sad, and got up to leave; in this way, will people still let you go?It was so easy to procrastinate and beg again and again, and I said sadly: "He is dead." "When did he die?" "How?" "How do you know each other?" Three or four women showed infinite Sadness, sympathy for this fictional hero.So I felt an inexplicable sadness in my heart, as if I was the protagonist of the tragedy, and the corners of my eyes gradually became moist: "He is a wanderer. We met on an accidental occasion. I still don't know his name and origin." and history. Later he wandered elsewhere, and when he fell ill, he sent me a suicide note, which unexpectedly fell into the hands of my mother, who tore it up and burned it. Afterwards, he scolded me privately, and I knew this person He is dead, but I have never seen his suicide note written in blood and tears! This is three years ago!" After finishing speaking, four or five heads on the grass lowered their heads, chewing their sorrows, and even the stars in the sky I feel sad and want to cry.But fortunately, no one asked me my age, because I was only sixteen years old at that time, and my actual age was less than fifteen years old. Wasn't it twelve years old three years ago?Even if I meet a homeless person who is not as cute as me, at most he will give me a piece of gum. After the fanaticism of 128 was suppressed, we began to feel the sadness of failure, so our friends were divided into three factions: one group advocated hard work, only doing things according to the facts, and did not talk much; the other group advocated having fun, Talk to Ms. Zhang about going to the restaurant today, and watch a movie with Ms. Jian tomorrow. If you are happy, you will play together. If you are not happy, you will do your own thing.When female companions meet, they only talk about celebrities' facial expressions and the taste of pastry, and don't involve major issues such as national life; the other party is happy with life, thinking that life is like a dream, and passing by, minding their own business, worrying about their troubles, and just telling jokes. But I was working hard but couldn't calm down for a while, and I felt too decadent to enjoy myself, and the theory of fate couldn't convince myself, so Bangjun was depressed, and finally accumulated a belly full of complaints, and often made a set of cynical comments .The confession of childhood is gone, and the beautiful lies can't be made up, but I still have to speak.I often flatter those whom I despise the most, and I often discourage those who expect me; I want people to misunderstand me, let them imagine my thoughts in my "insincere" conversations, but I myself coldly LOL IN THE NOSE! Marriage is a great turning point for women's thinking: most of my friends are already settled in the ordinary and peaceful life of good wives and mothers, and when we meet, we don't worry about no news when we talk about servants, women and children.It's just that every time I talk with them, I always feel more heavy in my heart, as if not only have I not said what I want to say, but also add more materials because of it, it is really sad to backlog.In recent years, I haven't talked to others at all, except for entertainment as a last resort.I live mechanically every day, without pain or pleasure; my heart has probably gradually become numb; if I want to get rid of this heavy pressure and restore the original state of lightness, then I can only run to the stream alone to complain There is gurgling water, but it is not easy to find even stream water here!