Chapter 10 New Year's Eve

On New Year's Eve, I woke up in the middle of the night and looked at my watch. It was half past one, and my heart trembled slightly: Another year has passed. When I was young, I always hoped that time would pass by quickly, looking forward to the festival, looking forward to the New Year, and looking forward to growing up quickly.However, time seems to stand still, and the little heart is full of resentment. However, once middle age is passed, the car of life seems to slide down a high slope, and time passes like lightning.It doesn't forgive people, doesn't understand people's mood, and runs wildly in a daze.In a blink of an eye, "the apes on both sides of the strait can't stop, the light boat has passed the ten thousand mountains", slipped past the sixties, slipped past the old age, and a few lucky people or what, slipped to the octogenarian age.When people reach this state, they are more sensitive to the passage of time.Thinking about problems when you are young is measured in years and months.At this time, it is measured in days and hours.

I'm a lucky man or something, and I'm in my octogenarian years.My mood is different from that of young people, and also different from that of middle-aged people. There are many kinds of moods, and it is by no means clear in a few sentences.I can't figure it out myself. The past year can be said to be one of the most glorious years of my life.There is no ruin at all, but there are countless reputations, which weigh on me, making me unable to digest, and making me feel heavy.There are some titles, when I first wear them on my head, I am surprised and feel very uncomfortable.Just the day before New Year’s Eve, that is, the day before yesterday, at the first national National Book Award Conference after the liberation, more than 510,000 books have been awarded in the past ten years since the reform and opening up, including arts, science, law, agriculture, industry, medicine, and the military. Among these books, under the care of the Propaganda Department of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China and the Ministry of Finance, and under the direct leadership of the Press and Publication Administration, 45 books were selected for the National Book Award after careful and meticulous review by more than 70 experts across the country.Just look at this ratio figure, you can understand the difficulty of winning.I participated in the selection work from beginning to end.As for my participation in the award, at the beginning, I didn't even dream about it.However, I ended up with two books that won awards.At the group meeting, I asked to withdraw my book, but the judges disagreed.I can only deal with this by not casting my vote.Regarding this result, to say that I am not happy is hypocritical and hypocritical, which I do not accept.What I feel more is trepidation, feeling ashamed.Many very valuable books, due to various reasons, have not been reviewed, but I have repeatedly abused them.This is also a kind of opportunity, and it is also a kind of luck.I would like to add one more sentence here: On the last day of the old year in Guangming Daily, I read my old friend Professor Deng Guangming's evaluation of me, and I felt ashamed.

I have said many times in the past that I have no ambitions, and my ambitions are improved step by step, just like a rising tide.I am by no means a genius, I assess myself as a mediocre talent.If there is any merit in myself, it is that I am hardworking, which is hardly consolation.I am an emotive person, a person who knows more than he needs to, a person whose mind is not lazy, whose mind is always on the move.I am afraid that this is where I benefit from.In the past year, on the road I walked, there were roses, smiling faces and praises everywhere.I became a "Very Reachable".To understand my mood during the past year, it is necessary to connect my situation with my character, with my inner feelings.Now write "New Year's Heart", my "feeling", that is, my mood, what was my mood like in the past year?

First of all, I am not dazzled by flowers and praises, my mind is quite clear.A young friend said I seemed to forget my age.This is just a superficial phenomenon.Although on the surface, I seem to be vigorous and academically ambitious, I have taken on far more jobs than an octogenarian can afford, and my daily workload is probably the highest among my peers.But I didn't get carried away, and I didn't forget my age.In the midst of the laughter of my friends, in the midst of family gatherings, in the feasting, and in the flood of awards, I am all smiles, relaxed and happy, but suddenly I will think in my heart: "This drama is coming to an end soon." !” I was like a bumper, this thought followed me closely, and I couldn’t get rid of it.

Am I afraid of death?No, no, absolutely not.I have said many times: My life should have ended in ten years of catastrophe.I survived by chance thinner than a strand of hair.Since then, all my lifespans have been picked up for nothing; if I live an extra day, it can be regarded as "earning".And regarding death, I have recently formed a complete set of views: "What should be done should be done, and there is no need to worry about alone." Death is a natural law, and no one can defy it.There is no need to worry about yourself, and it is useless to worry about it. So where did my idea of ​​a quick show come from?I remember reading an essay by Mr. Yu Pingbo when I was studying in college: "Revisiting Xiyuan Wharf". After more than 60 years, I still remember it vividly.There is a sentence in it: "From now on, we must live our lives carefully." This shows that in the past, our lives were not careful, or even too sloppy.Mr. Yu Pingbo is like this, so are other people, and I am no exception.Today, life is always sloppy.As time passes, the memories are sweet again.There is a sentence in Song Ci: "At that time, only Tao was common." It is really a famous sentence through the ages, expressing people's feelings.I hope that now I can live my current life a little more carefully and feel that it is a little unusual.Especially when embarking on the last stage of life, this should be the case.Therefore, my feeling of quick death is completely positive, there is no negative thing, and it has nothing to do with fear of death.

Under the guidance of this mood, I thought a lot, and I thought of a lot of people.The first is to think of old friends.Hu Qiaomu, an old friend from Tsinghua University, told me several times in recent years that he wanted to see an old friend from his youth.He said: "It's less time to see each other!" When I first heard it, I thought he was too sentimental, but then I gradually realized the weight of his words.It's a pity that he left us the year before last and left.Last year, I responded to his words with practical actions. I invited six or seven old friends who had friendship for fifty or sixty years to a gathering.Everyone is gray-haired, but they are all dripping with excitement.I think I did a good job.How could I have imagined that Wu Zuxiang, who attended the party, is now sick in the hospital.I heard a tremor in my heart.On New Year's Day this year, I devoted myself to praying silently, wishing him a speedy recovery and attending the gathering I prepared this year.There are still a few old friends who did not attend the meeting.I have thought of them one by one, and I am here to pray for their health and longevity.

I think not only of old friends, but also of young friends, including my first, second, and third generation students, whether they are in China or abroad, I also think of them one by one.I have recently come into contact with some young students who I consider to be my little friends.I don't know why my feelings for this group of children are getting deeper and deeper, almost directly proportional to my age.They are full of vigor and have a bright future.I found that they are a brains generation, they think about a lot of problems.Simple, straightforward, and moved me everywhere.As the saying goes: "The waves behind the Yangtze River drive the waves ahead, and the new people in the world replace the old people." The hope and future of our motherland rest on them, and the hope and future of all mankind also rest on them.To deal with this group of young people, the only correct way is to understand and love, induce and educate, and at the same time learn from them.This is public speaking.Personally, I was with these lively young people, and they seemed to be able to wash away the stagnation in me, and I suddenly felt that I was younger for several years.Being in contact with young people really prolongs my life.An ancient poem said: "Take food to ask gods, and most of them are mistaken by medicine." I don't take food, and I don't ask gods.Young students are my medicine stones and my gods.I am trying to prolong my life, not because I want to eat thousands of meals in the world.The meals I'm eating now aren't particularly good, and there's no point in eating more than one meal.I still have a lot of academic work that I plan to do. It seems that when a person is alone at sunset, there is still a long way to go.All I want now is to live a few more years, to walk a few more miles, to do a little more academic work, that's all.

In the family, I feel this kind of fast drama is even stronger.The reason is also very simple. It must be because I think this play is very interesting, so I don't want it to stop immediately, so I have this strong feeling.If I think that this play is not worth watching, it has nothing to do with me, and I take it lightly, where does this feeling come from?In the past few years, our family has suffered many serious accidents.The ancestor left us and left.My daughter also went before me.This left scars on my emotions that will never heal.Despite this, I still have a sweet home.My wife, son and granddaughter-in-law are still around me.We live in harmony and respect each other.Everyone is a cutest person.In addition to people, the family members also have two Persian cats, one is naughty and the other is docile, and they are also the cutest cats.The air in the home is pleasant and exuberant.However, not long ago, my wife suddenly suffered from a cerebral hemorrhage and was admitted to the hospital.When she was not sick, she was already unable to walk and sat on the bed all day.We usually don't have much to say.But when I walk home from the big library every day, I always feel that the road is long and I hope to get home earlier.When I got home, I sat on the broken wicker chair, and two Persian cats immediately jumped into my arms and asked me to cuddle them to sleep.I also close my eyes and take a nap.When you open your eyes, you can see the sunlight streaming in from the window, forming a strip of light on the carpet, moving slowly.This joy is not enough for outsiders to understand.However, his wife suddenly fell ill.In those serious days, when I was walking home from the big library, subconsciously, I always felt that the road was too short, and I hoped it would be longer and longer so that I would never be able to walk home.The family lacks a person who radiates light and heat even though he sits on the bed and does not speak.I feel deserted, I feel lonely, I don't want to enter this house.Under such circumstances, the sentence appeared in my mind more frequently: "This drama is about to end!" However, as far as the current situation is concerned, although my wife is still in the hospital, her condition has improved .I am looking forward to the fact that she will come back home soon, and there will be another person in the house who can shine and glow even though she doesn't speak, so that I can quietly enjoy the beauty of silence again, so that this drama that is going to end sooner or later will be over again. Go on for a few more acts.

According to the common calculation, from today, I have reached the age of 83, almost a century.Although I don't like to travel, I have been to 30 countries, so it should be said that I am well-informed.In the past half a century in China, I have experienced ups and downs, and I have experienced joy and suffering juxtaposed, success and frustration.There are too many memories in my head, too many.The work in front of me is full of clues, and no one can tell how many honorary titles I have. It is not necessarily an exaggeration to say that I have broken the record, but the mental and physical burden is too heavy.I can't take it anymore.Although, as I said above, I am neither pessimistic nor world-weary, but I really want to rest.The ancients said: "I work hard to live, and to rest me to death." The great German poet Goethe had a well-known poem in his later years. The last sentence is "You also rest", which seems to express my mood, I really want to rest clicked.

The mood is the mood, and we still have to live.The road behind him is getting longer and longer, and the road in front of him is getting shorter and shorter, so the short road ahead is even more precious.I live now by days, by hours.Every hour of every day is precious.I hope that I can really live it carefully, seriously, and savor every minute and every second carefully. I think every minute and every second is not "ordinary".I hope you don't wait until the future to feel that "it was only ordinary at that time" and take regret medicine in vain, which is useless.Treat yourself the same way, treat others the same way.I hope to do my best to make my old friends, my little ones, my young students and of course my family happy.I will never forget my motherland, as long as I can do for her, no matter how small, I will do my best to do it.Only in this way can I gain peace and comfort in my heart. "This play is about to end", it can be ended whenever it wants.

It is severe winter.The indoors are full of spring, and thousands of miles outside the window are frozen.The magnolia tree facing the window is now bare and lifeless.But the bones growing on the dead branches symbolize life and contain hope.The flowers are curled up in Gu Duo'er's heart. When spring comes and the east wind blows, white jade-like flowers will bloom immediately.In the pond, there are only the remaining dead leaves swaying on the layer of ice in the cold wind.However, I also know that as soon as spring arrives, the solid ice will immediately turn into sparkling spring water.The leaves and flowers that are now huddled in the black mud will burst out of the water in spring and summer.In spring, "lotus leaf He Tiantian".In summer, "the lotus leaves are infinitely blue in the sky, and the lotus flowers are red in the sun", what a glorious scenery it will be. "Since winter is here, can spring be far behind?" On the one hand, I still have a thought flashing through my mind from time to time: "This drama is about to end." This is not ambiguous at all; I feel that the climax of this play has not yet arrived. I am afraid that the real climax is the moment before the evil scene. This is absolutely unequivocal. January 1, 1994