Chapter 40 Ideological struggle

The "ideological struggle" I am talking about here is not the nonsense we understand later, but is about my academic research.I have mentioned many times that in the field of Indology, my interest is mainly in the Sanskrit of Indian ancient and medieval Buddhist scriptures, especially in the "hybrid Sanskrit".My doctoral thesis mentioned above and several papers I wrote in Göttingen can attest to this.However, doing such work requires a large number of professional monographs and magazines.The library of the University of Göttingen and the library of the Institute of Sanskrit have this condition.In the 10 years in Göttingen, I used thousands of monographs and magazines to write my thesis. Only once did Göttingen lack books and had to borrow from the Prussian National Library, which shows the richness of its collection.On the other hand, although our country is rich in classics, when it comes to books and periodicals of Indology, it is almost a desert.This question, I have thought about when I left Europe.My so-called "ideological struggle" began to sprout around this issue.

Although I have no great ambitions, once I am determined to embark on the road of academic research due to a good opportunity given by God, I am like a pawn crossing the river. I can only move forward bravely and never look back.But the job I want to do is not to write poetry or novels, as long as I have inspiration, I need materials, and at that time, only Europe had them.And now I have to go back to my country again, and I lose this, and I lose that, "I'm really in a mess."Just like Hamlet, before my eyes is: To go, or not to go? Thatisaquestion.In addition to the fierce ideological struggle, I thought of the disaster in the motherland. In the unprecedented disaster, I was a relative, a poor family, and a young child.If I don't go back, I will be a person who has no conscience and lost his humanity.If I go back, my academic future will go down the drain.In the end I came up with a compromise plan: first accept that G. Mr. Haloun introduced the employment contract of Cambridge University in the UK. After returning to China, the family problems are properly dealt with, and then return to Europe to engage in my academic research.This is really a way I came up with in a desperate situation.

As soon as I returned to my motherland, especially after flying back to Jinan, where I had been away for 12 years during the summer vacation of 1947, I saw the real situation in my family, which was much more serious than I had imagined. I immediately and painfully decided not to return to Europe.I am not a person who has lost his conscience. I must bear the responsibilities of being a son, a husband, and a father.I wrote to Professor Haloun and told him my decision, and he wrote back expressing his understanding and regret.This is the end of the "ideological struggle" concerning Europe.

However, a new "ideological struggle" followed.Now that I have made up my mind to devote my whole life to research work, my situation is like that said in a Peking Opera joke: "It is difficult for a horse to return to the horse when it is in the narrow lane".There must be objects for research, but my favorite object, the ancient mixed Sanskrit in India, is already as small as three mountains on the sea, and it is within reach.Where is the new object? My interests have always been mixed, and I am interested in a lot of knowledge.This makes the choice even more difficult.Only because of difficulties did "ideological struggle" arise.Weigh this one, weigh that one, it can't be decided for a long time.I have to consider two conditions: one is that I cannot leave India, and the other is that there are sufficient materials available in the country.If I leave India, all my ten years of study will be useless.Insufficient data, research will still encounter difficulties.My thinking or my "ideological struggle" must revolve around these two conditions.When I first arrived in a new environment, I cherished time far less than I do now. The "struggle" has no results, so let's put it aside for now.