Chapter 38 back to the embrace of the motherland

After the "final struggle" between Hong Kong and the diplomats of the Nanking government, the tickets were finally obtained.We boarded the ship bound for Shanghai on May 13, 1946, and embarked on the final journey back to the embrace of the motherland. I was very excited. The boat was very small, probably less than a thousand tons, and the equipment was surprisingly simple.A few new faces have been added to the overseas students returning home by boat, so we are not lonely anymore.In addition, there are about hundreds of Chinese tourists crowded on this small boat, and there are no berths at all.On other ships, steerage is the lowest class.In this ship there is a deck below the steerage.There are packages everywhere, some neat, some messy, and some packages smell of salted fish.There are people everywhere, and there is only room for everyone.Overbearing people seize the territory, and if someone pays, they can get it.Therefore, the sound of bargaining, the sound of quarreling, and the sound of quarrels are full of ears.Many people smoked, and the steerage was full of smoke.This kind of smoke, coupled with the confusion of the human voice, formed a chorus of smoky atmosphere.The sound of the waves caused by the boat's advance through the waves, singing with this chorus, is almost insignificant, and sometimes you can't even hear it.

Several of our international students living in the first and second class cabins are the "privileged class" on the ship.No matter how dirty and messy the outside is, as long as the door is closed, the cabin can remain clean and quiet.But there are times when we need some fresh air and we must go out on deck, just a few steps away.But these few steps have become a difficult process.It is not easy to walk carefully out of a crowd of sardines.When I got to the outer deck, I suddenly found the Belgian and French girl studying abroad who boarded the boat with us among the people lying horizontally and vertically.I saw her closing her eyes tightly at this moment, lying there, not eating or drinking, not turning around.Someone walked across her body, she seemed unaware; someone accidentally stepped on her, she seemed unaware; someone picked up water and dripped on her face, she still seemed unaware.Not even blinking an eyebrow.Is she asleep? Or is she awake? I don't know.She lay down like this for several days, until she arrived in Shanghai.I was really surprised.I know that she studies mathematics and is a very devout Catholic.Judging from her expression, I always suspected that she had been a nun.In any case, she must have her own God in her heart, otherwise her work on the ship would be incomprehensible anyway.

I am a layman with no God in my heart.I don't want to lie there, motionless.I want to move, I want to eat and drink, and I want to think.At this time, the motherland is in front of me, and I think a lot.Nearly eleven years of exile in a foreign land are coming to an end.The experience of these eleven years is now re-displayed in front of my eyes one by one, and my mind is amused by a myriad of thoughts.How I wish to confide to the motherland! But, what can I say? Eleven years ago, I went to the country with enthusiasm, one for saving the country, and the other for gilding.It was originally scheduled to be only two years, and you can survive it by gritting your teeth.However, I was born at the wrong time, and the war continued, and two years suddenly turned into eleven years.The hardships and hardships, setbacks and grievances encountered during this period, I don’t even want to think about it now.Just think about it, with an empty stomach every day, the god of death threatens you all the time; the planes of Britain and the United States are circling overhead all the time, and the god of death comes only in seconds.He was spared from all calamities, but he survived nine deaths.For several years, there was no information at home.Relatives are old, wives are young, and children are young.In the loess pile of my hometown lies my mother.If she has a soul, how can she not worry about her beloved son! All these spiritual and emotional sufferings, how I look forward to one day to confide in my motherland.Now the motherland is in front of you, and the time to talk has come.But what can I tell?

I can't just lie there like that devout Catholic.I leaned on the side of the boat, staring at the tumbling waves in the sea, and my heart was tumbling even more powerfully than the sea.When I was in Europe, I fantasized several times that when I saw my motherland, I would definitely kneel down and kiss her, caress her, and let my tears flow.However, I encountered difficulties, there were contradictions in my heart, and there were shadows in front of my eyes.When I was in Saigon, I heard intermittently about the Nanjing government from patriotic overseas Chinese.After arriving in Hong Kong, what I listened to was more specific and detailed.After the victory of the War of Resistance Against Japan, some high-ranking, middle-ranking, and small government officials, relying on crony, background, connections, friendship, co-optation, and bribery, boarded planes and flew all over the sky to "rob and harvest" all over the country. ".They "robbed" houses, "robbed" real estate, "robbed" dollars, "robbed" gold, "robbed" supplies, "robbed" warehouses, and "robbed" even the little wives and aunts. There was a miasma of smoke and grievances among the people.Its level of filth is far beyond comparison.The so-called "motherland" originally consists of two parts: one is the mountains and rivers and the other is the people.The mountains, rivers and land are always beautiful, and they are what I should absolutely love.But can I love such people? What can I confide to such a group of people? As the saying goes: "A child does not think his mother is ugly, and a dog does not think his family is poor." My mother is not ugly at all.But this group of "hijacking" personnel, can you say that they are not ugly? Can you not dislike them?

The conflict in my heart is just like this.Before I knew it, the ship arrived in Shanghai on May 19, 1946.I wrote in my diary: Shanghai, this is really a place in China.I went to China for eleven years, and I used to imagine how I felt when I saw my motherland again.Now I really met, but I feel very strange, without any warm feeling.Could it be that you have changed? Or has your motherland changed? I set foot on the land of the motherland with conflicting moods. I felt joy, anger, sorrow and joy in my heart, as if a sauce jar had been poured, and I didn't know what it was like. Dreaming of Europe once in ten years,

Win ten thousand dendrobium parting love. Motherland! Anyway, I, a wanderer from abroad, have returned. Written on May 11, 1991