Chapter 24 miss mother

I have had two mothers in my life: one is the mother who gave birth to me; the other is the mother of my motherland. I have the same great respect and the same sincere admiration for both mothers. I left my biological mother when I was six and went to live in the city.I went back to my hometown twice in the middle, both of which were for funerals. I only stayed with my mother for a few days, but still returned to the city.In the last eight years of separation, when I was in the second year of college, my mother abandoned her and lived only in her forties.I cried bitterly for several years, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep well.I really want to go underground with my mother.My wish didn't come true.Since then I have been an orphan without a mother.A child who lacks maternal love is a person with an incomplete soul.With my incomplete soul, I hold the eternal hatred.Whenever I think of my mother, I can't stop crying, and it has been like a day for decades.Now in Germany, in the lonely small town of Göttingen, for some reason, my mother frequently comes to dream.

My motherland, this is the first time I leave her.It's only been a few months since I left. I don't know why, my mother also comes to dream frequently. In order to preserve the true feelings at that time and avoid tampering with the feelings at that time with today's feelings, I will not describe or describe them now, but only excerpt a few paragraphs from the diary when I first arrived in Göttingen: November 16, 1935 Before long it was dark outside.I think it's most interesting at dusk.I didn't turn on the light, just stood silently in front of the window, watching the dark night gradually weaving the sky and the opposite roof.Everything was sunk in hazy darkness.My heart is often active in an atmosphere that is so quiet that it can no longer be quiet.The activity is mild, I simply don't know of such an activity.When I think of my hometown, my old friends in my hometown, I feel a little sour and desolate.However, this desolation is not the same as ordinary desolation, it is sweet, thick, and has an indescribable taste, which sticks deep in my heart.

November 18 A few days ago, the landlady told me that her son came home today, coming home from school, and she was very happy. ...But the son just didn't come, and she looked a little depressed.She also said that there was another train at night, maybe he would come.I saw her look, and thought of my mother who was lying underground in my hometown. I really wanted to cry! Only now do I know that mothers in ancient and modern China and abroad are all the same! November 20 Now I really miss home, my homeland, and my friends in my homeland.Sometimes I just can't bear the thought. November 28

I lay back on the sofa, listening to the wind passing by outside the window.There is rain in the wind.It was as cloudy as night.Thoughts were ups and downs in my heart, and I thought of my homeland again. December 6 In recent days, my mood has become much more stable.In the past, I really felt that two years was too long; at the same time, I felt uncomfortable in every aspect of food, clothing, housing and transportation here, so the two years seemed unbearable no matter what. From my diary in Göttingen when I first arrived, I temporarily quoted these passages.In fact, there are many similar places, which can be seen from these few paragraphs.In short, I don't want to stay abroad.When I think of my mother and the motherland, my heart surges, and I am in constant anxiety, and I don't even have the idea of ​​staying abroad.A few months later, on July 11, 1936, I wrote an essay entitled.The opening paragraph reads:

I dreamed of my mother at night, and I woke up crying.When I woke up and tried to catch the dream again, the dream flew to nowhere. The following describes the scene of seeing the mother in the dream.The last paragraph is: My God! Don’t you even give me a clear dream? I looked at the gray sky, and in the tears, I imagined my mother’s face. When I was in China, I only missed, and could only miss, one mother.Now that I have come abroad, a mother of the motherland has been added to my nostalgia.This kind of nostalgia was extremely strong when I first arrived in Göttingen.It has not been broken since.The memory of these two mothers has been with me through ten years in Germany and eleven years in Europe.