Chapter 11 old society and new society

If my life is divided into two parts, I am used to saying that the first part is the old society, a total of thirty-eight years.The latter section is the new society, and the number of years is still uncertain. I don't want to go to Babaoshan for a while, and I can't draw a close to my life. Why is it divided into two parts? It must be that the two societies are so different that a gap must be drawn in the middle.In fact, like the middle-aged and elderly intellectuals who stayed behind and did not go abroad or went to Taiwan at that time, I didn't know much about the Communist Party;Therefore, we welcome the People's Liberation Army to enter the city, and we are excited in our hearts. We hope and feel that we have changed the world from now on.In the early days of liberation, the politics were clear and bright, and many measures won the hearts of the people.The many muddy waters left by the old society have been cleaned up.We all feel that since then, the river will be clear and happiness will come to the world.

However, we also had an adaptation process.I don't know the true mood of other intellectuals who are older than me.As for myself, I was only forty years old at the time, just entering middle age, but the obstacles I had to overcome were not old or young.Going to the conference and shouting slogans like "Long live", I couldn't open my mouth at first.Even such a trivial matter as taking off his coat and changing into a Chinese tunic suit felt extremely awkward, he knew it. For me, this adaptation process was not long, and I didn't feel any special difficulties. I seemed to be a different person all of a sudden.I feel that everything is beautiful and kind.I think the sky is very blue, the grass is very green, the flowers are very red, and the mountains are very green.The whole of China seems to be full of beautiful roses, and the future of the Chinese nation is bright and bright. I seem to be ten years younger, and I have become a big child.During meetings and parades, shouting slogans and shouting "Long live", my voice is no less than anyone else, and my passion is no less than anyone else.Looking back now, it was the happiest period of my life.

But, looking back at myself, I feel useless.Deep down, I consider myself a true "Peach Picker Pie".The Chinese people stood up, and straightened their backs accordingly.Any thought similar to Jia Gui was swept away.I enjoyed the happiness of "liberation", but what did I do? What contribution did I make? I did not become a traitor, nor did I join the Kuomintang, nor did I succumb to German fascism.However, when the outstanding sons and daughters of the Chinese nation hung their heads on their waistbands, fought bloody battles, and sacrificed heroically, I was hiding in a foreign country thousands of miles away, pursuing my own fame and career.Is there anything more shameful in the world than this? I feel extremely ashamed.Even my smattering of so-called learning—if there is any—is extremely disgraceful.

I thought about it, felt guilty, felt guilty, and felt that intellectuals were really unclean.I seem to have become a Christian, convinced of the "original sin" statement.For many, many years, this sense of "original sin" was deeply imprinted in my soul. At that time, I had a whim, I hoped that the wheel of time would be turned back, back to the war years, and give me a chance to make meritorious deeds and atone for my crimes.I will not hesitate to sacrifice my life for the revolution and the nation.I even have crazy fantasies: If our leader encounters a life-and-death crisis, I will definitely stand up and use my blood and life to defend the leader.

I am ashamed of myself everywhere.At that time, I most envied and admired three kinds of people: veteran cadres, the People's Liberation Army and the working class.For me, their image is supreme and sacrosanct.In my eyes, they are all "the cutest people", people who I can't catch up with even if I study all my life. In this way, I carried the heavy cross of "original sin" and was always ready to dig deep into my thoughts, transform my bourgeois thoughts, and truly establish a proletarian thought—except for "not self-serving, only benefiting others", I went to Today, it is impossible to say what is proletarian thinking—to be reborn, to be a new man.Ups and downs, ups and downs, mountains and rivers for a while, and willows and flowers for a while, it has gone through 30 long years.