Chapter 19 Hypothetical questions never have answers (2)

Let me show you a letter, a letter dated January 2, 1998. It was written with a calligraphy brush, and it was barely written. "Mr. Li Ao, you always scold Chiang Kai-shek and his son without leaving room, but have you ever thought that if it weren't for Chiang, who brought hundreds of thousands of troops to defend Taiwan, would you be able to speak nonsense on TV? Maybe you have long been under the rule of the Communist Party. I'm dead." You see, this represents a typical cultural level problem. What he means is: you, Li Ao, are in Taiwan. You scold Jiang and his son when you are doing TV. If Jiang and his son do not bring the army, you, Li Ao, are ruled by the Communist Party. Are these words? But I, Li Ao, would ask: Who the hell brought me to Taiwan? Who lost the mainland? Isn’t that the Chiang father and son? He brought me to Taiwan, or brought me to Taiwan by accident, I don't blame him. I still owe him money according to your tone, right? How can this matter? Who lost the mainland? The Jiang family lost the mainland, didn't they? So, this kind of person, he may be a Veterans, or the group of old people who came from the generation of Jiang and his sons, he couldn't figure this out.Their biggest mistake is: they can't tell whether they love the country, or the illusory "Republic of China", or the state of the Chiang family and his son.If they can't tell the difference, they just get mixed up.

Someone also asked me on the website today: You, Li Ao, speak like this because you speak sarcastic remarks in Taiwan.During the "Cultural Revolution" in the past, did you dare to say these words? Can you say these words? This topic is a question I often encounter. Dead, or mangled out of shape, no? My opinion is different from yours.Please take a look at one of my standards. Please pay attention to my standards. In 1963 (exactly 41 years ago), I wrote an article to explain my position. This article is called "Thirteen Years and Thirteen Months" ".An important position here is what I said. The philosophy of life I firmly believe in is simple: if you can be less of a coward, you will be more of a warrior; if you can express your true self, you will wear less of a mask; The same as Fu Chao, I hope that I am not a bad guy who is too embarrassed; if I am in the bottom of the pot, I hope that I will not be a meat, but a living wandering soul.This is my outlook on life.I believe that if I am in mainland China, I have the power to play.Maybe you will say: Play? Many people fought to the death.It is true that many people died in the fight, and many people collapsed, but we must think that when some people dream back at midnight, they will think: When I was being fought, when I was helpless, I could not Can I say one less thing? Can I retain a little bit of conscience? Can I be less of a villain? Confess my true self more and tell less lies. At that time, did I have the ability? I did.

Everyone read this book, Ba Jin's "Capricious Thoughts", a paragraph in it talks about the time (the situation) of fighting Hu Feng in the past, and see what Ba Jin said today.Ba Jin said: In the 1950s, I often said that being a Chinese writer was my pride.But when I think about those struggles, those movements during the "Cultural Revolution", I feel disgusted and ashamed of my own performances, even if I have to do it as a last resort.Looking back at those words written 30 years ago today, even if Ba Jin stepped forward to fight Hufeng, I still can’t forgive myself, and I don’t want to ask future generations to forgive me.I think this is Ba Jin. The greatness of Ba Jin is that he is not a strong man, but when he gets rid of this pressure one day, he will bravely write what he said and what he did thirty years ago. Those things, when the entire party made a wrong decision to deal with Hu Feng, during the Hu Feng incident, Ba Jin came out to speak, he shouldn’t have said those words, he shouldn’t have written those words, he shouldn’t have written those words Much, he shouldn't have written so wrongly.

People inevitably become rogues, like me, Li Ao, in the last year of my imprisonment, before they released me, they had to brainwash me (brainwashing means thought remolding) for a year, I had to study all day long, and I had to study Chiang Kai-shek articles, forced brainwashing.I can't escape that fate, but I will protect my brain from being washed away by him.What method? That is, when they asked me to write a report (you have to submit these reports—written reports), I couldn’t hand in a blank paper, so I also wrote it out for him and passed the test.But do you know what I wrote? I synthesized the dogma in Chiang Kai-shek, copied it in paragraph by paragraph, and handed it in.The reviewers were not that familiar, and they were not that familiar with Chiang Kai-shek, so they passed the test in a daze.So, in other words, it was Chiang Kai-shek who brainwashed Chiang Kai-shek, I copied it and sent it up, and I was laughing while writing it in my heart.Why is it like this? This is also a kind of Ah Q.But when I was locked in the cowshed, when I couldn't get out, when I was tortured by these ghosts and snakes all day long, when my mind and body were under pressure at the same time, I would think that one day I would get out , I want revenge, I want to live, I want to face my past self again, how can I face myself.That's why I said: Today, when I think back to the time when I was sitting in the bullpen, I remember that I would use a cynical method, a method of escapism, a cunning method, and a skillful method to escape that catastrophe.But Ba Jin couldn't hide, he talked too much, he felt that he lied, so after the "Cultural Revolution", when the conference was held, he was already physically inconvenient, sitting there, an old man in a wheelchair, Slowly pushed in front of him and greeted him slightly, he couldn't even recognize who that person was.Later he remembered that that person was Hu Feng, the Hu Feng whom he had written ignorant articles back then, and the Hu Feng who wanted to make himself pass in order to fight him.This is a tragedy in the world, but how can you deal with this tragedy?

Therefore, some people said: You Li Ao are in the mainland, you will die badly.You, Li Ao, are in the mainland, so you can't do anything.I don't think so.I can tell you, read my memoirs written by Li Ao. I have a good friend. When I was in Fresh Hutong Elementary School in the mainland (upper), I worshiped him. He was an excellent boy I admired most when I was young. Zhan Yongjie.In the first year of junior high school, I transferred from the high school attached to Beijing to Shanghai, and he slowly became a great Communist (member).Later, he held a very high position in the central government. No one would have guessed that he was my brother.Maybe you will say, if you Li Ao don’t come to Taiwan, what can you do if you Li Ao stay in mainland China? Do you dare to write articles? Maybe I don’t need to write articles to express myself, maybe I will use another method To express how it is beneficial to the country.Of course, many people failed, many people sacrificed, many people's dreams were shattered, and many people committed suicide.Many people died, like Zhang Zhixin, a girl from our hometown in Northeast China.However, let us not forget that in a painful situation that cannot be abandoned, there is still a little something that an individual can do.What to do? This is what I just said. When you come out to fight others, can you write less words? Can you write less lies?

I remember shortly after the Hu Feng incident, Mr. Hu Shi told me that if Lu Xun survived, he would end badly.So, please don’t assume that if I, Li Ao, stay in the mainland, I may do some very humble things, and I may also do some small earth-shattering things. Who knows? This kind of hypothetical question will never have an answer .