Chapter 4 The third belongs to my era

Life is like countless criss-crossing roads. We start from our own starting point and do multiple-choice questions at every fork in life to find our own one-way street.No one's life can be smooth and smooth all the time. Those sad, laughing, heartbreaking and happy journeys are all an indispensable part of our time. When Master Zhihui was young, it was a time when family background was very important.At that time, people with bad backgrounds were called the "four types of elements". Simply put, they were landlords, rich peasants, counter-revolutionaries, and bad elements.During the "Cultural Revolution", the four types of elements were expanded again, and the original four types of people were added to the rightists to become the "five black types".

In fact, whether it is the fourth category or the fifth category, to the master, there is not much difference, because neither can avoid the identity of the son of the master's landlord. Fate is very strange, whether you accept it or not, it will bring you many things that do not belong to you, just like the identity of the son of the landlord who brought the tortuous life of Master. When the People’s Republic of China was founded, there was a time limit for the determination of the status of landlords. The time limit was three years before the founding of New China. If you are poor after a year, your status will not be classified as a landlord.

Master said: "My father was a gambler. Originally, at the speed of his prodigal family, the family would have become poor by 1946. Unfortunately, my mother has no political foresight and often quarreled with him about his gambling. .” In the end, Master's mother ran away with Master and Master's elder brother, Xiaosan, and returned to her hometown. She also used her savings and dowry to purchase some land as a guarantee for her future life.It was these lands that Master's mother placed high hopes on that eventually became an important basis for her being designated as a landlord.

Master said: "In the north where the land is sparsely populated, my mother can only be classified as a rich peasant at most. Unfortunately, in the south of the Yangtze River, owning 30 acres of land is enough to become a landlord. Maybe this is destined." One of the most memorable days of Master’s childhood was the day when the Land Reform Working Group came to hand over the property. On that day, Master sweated a lot. Because Master's mother heard that not only the land would be confiscated, but also the property exploited from the hands of the working people, so she put on the winter clothes on Master and Xiaosan early.Mother's idea is very simple, the clothes on her body must not be taken away.

For the master who was only seven or eight years old at the time, the situation that day was already very vague. All he could remember was that he and Xiaosan stood in the corner wearing cotton jackets in the hot early autumn and watched the people in the work group go back and forth. Moving things, while the master and the mistress were sweating, sweating. Master couldn't help laughing every time he talked about this plot. In fact, the people in the working group didn't take away the clothes at home that day, but thinking about it now, Master's parents' thinking is quite forward-looking.After all, those people may move the things in the house, but the two sons of the landlord's family will definitely not take them.

The delineation of landlord status was the first turning point in Master's life.Before that, although the family was not considered wealthy, there was still no problem with food and clothing.But since then, life has plummeted.The land was nationalized, and even the houses that were not considered spacious were allocated by the government to fellow villagers with good status. Both Master and Xiaosan go to the primary school in the town. The tuition is not expensive, but it is still a big burden for the financially distressed family.When Xiao San was in the last semester of elementary school, Master's mother decided to let Master and Xiao San drop out of school and go home.

In school, Xiao San was an excellent student with outstanding grades. The head teacher felt sorry for his dropout.In fact, most of the students in the class are exempted from tuition and miscellaneous fees. The teacher also helped the junior and the master to apply, but it was unsuccessful. In the end, only the poor and lower-middle peasants were approved to apply. Before Master's mother told Master to let him drop out of school, she specially asked Xiaosan to clean the house.Master's mother said: "In case your younger brother loses his temper and rolls on the ground later, his clothes won't get too dirty."

The master said, in fact, he doesn't like studying very much, and his grades in school are also very unstable.Sometimes the test is so bad that the teacher once thought he was going to repeat the grade, but the next time he suddenly came out on top.From the point of view of dropping out of school and returning home, Master thought he would not care too much. Master still remembers the scene on the day when he left the school. Master carried a small bench and followed Xiao San across the campus.The facilities of the school at that time were not perfect, even the tables and chairs were not fully equipped.That bench was brought by Master himself from home, but on that day, like Master, there was no need for it to stay on campus.

There are many pairs of eyes looking over from the classroom, and there are not many disgusted eyes, but more of the ignorance and bewilderment of children, as well as sympathy and pity.At that moment, for some reason, Master was burned by those familiar and unfamiliar eyes filled with concern.For the first time, Master realized that he was pitiful, and the tears that should have been shed a few days ago were shed. The family's livelihood is mainly maintained by the master's mother taking over some embroidery work in the embroidery factory in the town.It's just that as a master's parent, she is naturally not qualified to become a regular employee of the embroidery factory. The products she makes are all piece-based, and she pays as much as she does.

Because of the meager income, Master's mother set up a small stall in front of the house.After Xiaosan and Master don't go to school, they have a lot more time, and sometimes they can help to look after the stall and deliver goods. The master said that the joy of not having to go to school has never appeared again. Instead, sometimes when I see my classmates passing by after school, I will hurriedly lower my head, feeling an indescribable feeling in my heart, as if I am not being abandoned, but Generally doing something wrong. Sometimes in the town, the landlords would be gathered together for a meeting. There were about ten or twenty people, and Master's mother was also one of them.The cadres presiding over the meeting would change from time to time, but every time there would be a stout middle-aged woman who would sternly reprimand every landlord, and sometimes let some landlords kneel in the middle of the venue.

Like the children of other landlords, Master and Xiaosan often stood in the crowd and looked at their mother from a distance. She always stood in the line with a blank expression, looking at the crowd like a sculpture. Master's mother lost her composure once because she saw Master and Xiaosan in the crowd.The mother's terrified expression was something Master had never seen before. Afterwards, the three of them did not mention the situation at that time again.But after that, Master and Xiaosan learned to hide. Whenever the mother looked over, Xiaosan would hide behind the adults in front, and Master would bury his head on Xiaosan's back. Master once thought that he would go on like that all his life, just keep walking like that, keep walking.If it goes well, he may become a hawker wandering in the countryside. But the turning point of Master's fate came again, but this time, it was much better than what Master expected.This year, the younger brother who had lost contact with Master's mother, that is, Master's uncle, finally asked someone to find his mother. My uncle worked in Yan'an for a few years, and then went to work in the provincial capital. As for the position, for the residents of the small town, it was a high-level position that was unimaginable.Master's life has improved since then, and my uncle will post 15 yuan to my mother every month as the school expenses for Master and Xiaosan. Master said: "Because I was forced to leave the campus, I later loved reading more than my classmates. For me, textbooks are no longer a tool to hide my face from sleeping, no longer a prop to tear down origami airplanes at will, It’s no longer a weapon to knock your classmates on the head when you’re fighting with them.” Although the master's grades are not as good as those of the third graders, they are definitely among the best in the school. Life is often superimposed by accidents. In 1958, the junior college entrance examination failed.Primary three's grades have been very stable, even in the best middle school, he is among the best.Many people feel sorry for Xiaosan's accidental failure, but in fact, Xiaosan's fate did not change in the examination room. Long before Xiaosan entered the examination room, his file was labeled as "unsuitable for admission" because of his family background. In that year, Master's mother died of illness, and my uncle was transferred to the frontier. Before his uncle left, he found a job for Xiaosan in the provincial capital, and the master followed Xiaosan to the provincial capital. The master went to high school in the provincial capital. Originally, the master had no plan to continue studying. He wanted to start working early so as to reduce the burden on his uncle and mistress. But Xiao San was very persistent. He hoped that Master could continue his unfulfilled university dream.Master said, thinking about it now, Xiaosan's persistence was not rational, because neither Master nor Xiaosan knew at that time that it was just a dark road, and it was branded with a black mark early on, which was an indelible mark. In the end, Master chose to continue studying, not entirely because he wanted to learn and loved learning, but because from that year onwards, food became very scarce.If you work, the state plan distributes food stamps to Master according to social youth, which is 23 catties a month; if you continue to go to school, the state stipulates that the food stamps for students are 32 catties, which is 9 catties more. Tickets, but it is the difference between being full and not full. The master said that his academic performance was quite good, but he did not dare to expect extravagantly to go to university. After all, even the grades of the third grader failed the rankings, let alone himself? It's just that in the end, Master was admitted to the university unexpectedly. Later, Master analyzed that it might be that year, the government relaxed some restrictions on recruiting students with poor grades. Many years later, Master heard from people that in the political review meeting of the admissions, there were people who strongly opposed his admission.A teacher said: "The exploiting class is unwilling to die, and they are still trying their best to find an heir. Although this student is a high-scoring examinee, the children of the exploiting class have accepted the ideas of the exploiting class since childhood, and their worldview is prone to major problems. We Universities should not train successors for the exploiting class." Finally, a teacher who met Master's uncle spoke well for Master. He emphasized that Master's social relations are good, and some members of his family have made contributions to the Republic. The school finally decided to admit the master, but he couldn't be assigned to a secret-related major. The master said that it may be related to his life experience. Since he was a child, he didn't have too many extravagant expectations for life, but Xiaosan has always been full of hope.Xiao San said that in the dark night, we can't detect the signs of the day, but we should know that the ray of light is at the end of the night. Little San's words have always made Master feel very puzzled.But on the day he was admitted to the university, Master suddenly felt this kind of hope.This was another turning point in the life of Master and Xiaosan. The two stumbled from the dark journey, and the road ahead was illuminated by such light for the first time.The master said that he even felt that his life could be a rainbow bridge, where red, orange, yellow and green could appear under his feet. The day when Master went to school to report was a good day, because Xiao San got married, and it was a day specially chosen by Xiao San.Master's sister-in-law is the son of a landlord from the same township. The marriage between Master and Xiaosan was once the most worrying thing of Master's parents during their lifetime.In those days, the first thing to look for when looking for a partner was family background.Girls with poor family status are better off. They will always try their best to marry the children of workers and peasants. If the other party doesn't care about the status, even if the other party's economic conditions are poor or the appearance is not good, it will not be a problem.But men are different. Even if the girl doesn't care, the parents of the other party can't push her daughter into the fire pit. Master's sister-in-law is also a hard-working person.Before 1949, my sister-in-law's family was considered wealthy.When liberation was approaching, my sister-in-law's family members all fled to Taiwan and the United States because they were worried about being affected by the land reform policy.That year, the ferry tickets were not easy to buy, and my sister-in-law's family planned to leave in batches, but an accident occurred in the middle, leaving my sister-in-law alone. Later, after getting acquainted with my sister-in-law, Master realized that my sister-in-law still cared about her family.Sometimes she becomes very silent when she reads newspaper reports about the misery of compatriots in Taiwan. Master saw his sister-in-law crying once, because a friend from a coastal province said that there was a famine in Taiwan and they could only live on banana peels. In fact, my sister-in-law doesn't know whether her family is in Taiwan or the United States, but Master thinks that life in the United States should not be good. Although there may be enough food there, there is a lot of social pressure.Master remembered that there was a news published in the newspaper that an American actress named Marilyn Monroe committed suicide because she could not bear the mental pressure caused by the oppression of the bourgeoisie. At that time, Master thought that even movie stars would end up like this, let alone ordinary people from foreign ethnic groups like my sister-in-law's family? Xiaosan's wedding was very simple, the guests were only a few colleagues who were close to Xiaosan, and relatives of both parties.Most of the elders of the two are gone, and the only relatives on the sister-in-law's side are the aunt. That day, Xiao San was dressed very handsomely. It was the first time Master saw Xiao San wearing unpatched clothes for so many years. On weekdays, Xiao San would wear his patched and patched old clothes back and forth. Xiao San's groom's attire was a green velvet shirt. The fabric and production cost of the clothes was close to 20 yuan, which was almost half a month's salary of Xiao San. However, the master felt that although the clothes were brand new, the workmanship was average, and they didn't fit that well no matter how they looked. After the banquet was over, Xiaosan sent Master far away.Along the way, Master told Xiaosan several times that this is your wedding day and you should stay by your sister-in-law's side, but Xiaosan still insisted on sending it off. At the moment of parting, Xiao San took off the velvet shirt on his body and put it on the master. The master panicked and tried to put the clothes back into his hands.After all, Xiao San is the protagonist today, and this shirt, which cost Xiao San half a month's salary, shouldn't be on her. Xiao San stared at Master and smiled, helped Master put on the shirt, and then buttoned Master one by one. Xiao San said: "My younger brother will be a college student in the Republic tomorrow, and he will become an outstanding pillar of the country in the future. Of course, he must wear the best clothes to welcome his new life." The master once thought that the steady mistress made mistakes, at least on the wedding day, he made a mistake - he cut an expensive but ill-fitting groom's suit. But when the shirt was put on the master obediently, the master knew that Xiao San hadn't made any mistakes and everything was planned by him. On his wedding day, Xiao San wore a sweatshirt full of holes, and gradually walked away from Master's sight.He was the most shabby groom the master had ever seen in his life. The road where Xiao San and Master parted ways was a small road without street lights.After Xiaosan walked a long way, she stopped suddenly and looked at the master who was still in place from a distance. The moonlight was very bright that night, but the distance was too far, and it was impossible for Master and Xiao San to see each other clearly. Xiao San stood there for a while, and finally turned and left. Master said that in his memory, there is often a picture of Xiao San turning around. Xiao San has a clear face and a smile on his face.Master knew that this scene did not appear in his sight, but he was sure that this moment must have happened. The pressure of study is nothing to the master whose college entrance examination scores are much higher than those of his classmates. Instead, it is the financial pressure that makes the master a little hard. Universities at that time would grant bursaries to students from poor families. The amount was different, and each school rated it by itself.In Master's school, the highest grade can get thirteen yuan a month, and the lowest is eight yuan. Master also applied for a bursary. Although he only got eight yuan in the end, the money was enough to make Master excited.Before going to university, Xiaosan asked Master to write a letter to uncle, telling uncle not to send any more money. Xiaosan felt that he could afford Master's tuition and living expenses by himself. Uncle replied to the letter, asked about some study matters, and agreed with Master's suggestion.Although the uncle's income is much higher than that of the mistress, the burden is actually not small.The juniors he wants to support are not just the master and the juniors. Master got the letter, but he didn't give it to Xiaosan, but told Xiaosan that uncle planned to continue sponsoring Master's education. Master chose to lie to Xiaosan, in fact, there was a last resort.At that time, Xiaosan had just got married, and her sister-in-law had just come from another place, so it was impossible to have an income so quickly. Because of Master, Xiaosan's life has been very tight, and he has no savings at all. If Xiaosan continues to support Master's study, then his life may be worse than before. Master planned that his expenditure in college was actually not much. If the food was poor, the stipend of 8 yuan a month might be enough. As for the difference, doing odd jobs after class should be able to make up for it. It is a pity that Master's plan did not catch up with the changes. That year was in the recovery period of the famine year. Chairman Mao suddenly sent a message in Beijing, calling for attention to the health of college students, and schools all over the country implemented it within a short period of time.The operating form of the school canteen has changed. The school has begun to collect food fees uniformly, and meals are no longer served separately, but are eaten together according to the class.As for food expenses, each person has to pay thirteen yuan a month according to regulations. Master did not tell Xiaosan about his predicament, because he felt that if he planned well, he should be able to balance study and odd jobs. Master did many odd jobs after school, such as making shoe soles, selling popsicles, and catching worms to feed the birds.However, due to the need to take into account learning, some jobs with high continuity requirements, such as odd jobs on construction sites, cannot be done. Although the days are difficult, Master has no regrets at all, because Master knows that as long as the most difficult days are passed, good days will come.College students in that era earned high wages after graduation, and they could get fifty-three yuan a month after becoming a regular worker, while those veteran workers who had worked for decades only had a salary of more than thirty yuan. When Master was doing odd jobs, he had a partner named Pusheng. Pusheng lived in the same courtyard as Xiaosan. He was a colleague of Xiaosan, but not a regular employee. Pusheng's nickname is Xiaosi, and Master's nickname is Xiaowu, but Pusheng is one year younger than Master.Therefore, sometimes when the three of them are together, the names of each other are often confused, because Xiao Si calls Master Fifth Brother, and Master calls him Fourth Brother. Xiaosi's father is a rightist, and his family conditions are worse than those of Master and Xiaosan's family.His mother is not in good health, and his income is low as a part-time job, so Xiao Si has to pay attention to some odd jobs from time to time.If she finds a suitable job, Xiao Si will also call Master. Of course, Xiao Si also knows about Master's situation. In front of Xiao San, she will keep the secret of Master's odd jobs everywhere. Xiao San found out that the day Master was working outside was a weekend, which was the happiest day for Master during that time.That day a batch of Northeast pine logs came from the train station. This batch of logs belonged to a factory in the city. Because of the urgent need, the person in charge of picking up the goods in the factory paid very high wages. If the pine logs could be moved in two hours , you can get three dollars in wages. When Xiao Si told Master about this job, Master was very happy. You must know that before moving bricks for others on the construction site, the income was only 80 cents to 1 yuan a day, but now it only takes two hours, and you can earn the previous three or four. day's income. However, the difficulty of moving the goods was greater than Master expected. When a piece of wood was taken out of the cart, it hit Master's leg heavily. The moment the wood hit his leg, Master's leg was injured, but the attraction of three yuan wages distracted Master's attention.It wasn't until the cargo was unloaded and the wages were paid that Master realized that he could no longer walk. Master sat on the stone by the roadside to check his bruised leg, only to find that Xiao San was standing beside him at some point. Xiaosan walked up to Master, stared at his legs in a daze, her eyes suddenly turned red.The master suddenly panicked, because since childhood, except for the death of his mother, the master has never seen Xiao San shed tears. That day, Xiao San pushed Master back to the dormitory with his borrowed bicycle.Along the way, Xiaosan turned his back to Master for a long time, even when talking to Master, he did not look back. Master knew that Xiaosan must not want me to see his face full of tears. After that, Xiaosan had to give Master five yuan every month, and Master dared not refuse.Fortunately, my sister-in-law found a job. Although the income was not high, it also subsidized some of the family. In school, Master often felt lonely. Although the admission policy for students with poor grades was somewhat relaxed that year, there were still a small number of people with family background problems in the entire grade. But a few. The students with good backgrounds were quite friendly and did not particularly discriminate against Master, but the pride of their good backgrounds that they often inadvertently showed made Master discouraged from their friendship. In the era when the phenomenon of being convicted for speaking is serious, Master, like other people from bad backgrounds, has gradually learned the best way to protect himself, that is to seal his heart under the appearance of indifference, no matter how real it is. Restless. In the second year of school, Master met a girl named Meifen. Meifen was in the same school as Master, but one class lower than Master. Master remembers that the first time she saw Meifen, Meifen was standing under an old tree with withered leaves in the campus. She blocked the sunlight through the branches and leaves with her hands, and looked at the frolicking birds on the branches in the distance. Smile.It was at that moment that Master was attracted by her two dimples and those big smiling eyes. At that time, there was a unique way of writing essays, which was roughly like this: On a certain day of a certain year, I encountered a certain difficult thing.I tried very hard, but in the end I failed.Just at the moment when I was about to give up, I thought of Chairman Mao, so my heart was churning, and the fighting spirit returned to my heart. Overcome the difficulties. The master said that he is very good at this method of writing articles, and is very popular with the teacher.The teacher also praised Master and said that when Master remembered Chairman Mao in the article, he used the word "tumbling" to describe a young man who once hesitated in the face of difficulties but was finally inspired. It is a very good usage. In fact, the word "tumbling" was learned by Master from newspapers.For Master, "tumbling" is more like an adjective than a verb, at least in Master's heart, he has not really experienced that kind of agitation. Only when he saw Meifen did Master truly understand what it means to "my heart is churning." Meifen's family background is good, her father is a staff member in the school, and her mother is a state cadre. Master is very aware of his origin, and also knows that there is a huge gap between his and Meifen's identities.Master tried his best to restrain and avoid anything related to Meifen.Master hopes that one day, Meifen will be like many things that have happened in his life, gradually blurred in memory, until no matter how hard he tries, he can't recall it. But life is never that simple. Time is not a weapon that will never stop us from benefiting. Many things are like wine, which will become more concentrated after a long time. Master used to be depressed because of uncontrollable longing, and he even suspected that one day he would die in affliction, but this day never came, and what was replaced was a kind of numbness, a kind of numbness of compromising reality. In that era, the phrase "man will conquer nature" was once said very loudly, but in fact, Master thought that this sentence was not so useful.Because in many cases, people's fate is beyond their control, just like the petals floating in the sky and the earth. If the wind of fate does not take care of them, the petals will never reach the place they want to go. But there is an inexplicable fate between Master and Meifen. The two walked on different roads, and were pushed closer by invisible hands until the two people's life paths overlapped. It was not an era where you could release your emotions wantonly. Although there were still a lot of students who secretly fell in love, falling in love was expressly prohibited in universities.At that time, it was very popular to report ideas to the organization and the leaders, and the superiors also encouraged the students to expose each other's ideological problems, but there were not many students who exposed the romance between students. Maybe everyone felt that exposing other people's political trends was a requirement for ideological progress. If you expose someone else's relationship, it's a bad character. The school has also severely punished students who fell in love. A classmate who was one level higher than the master dropped out of school and went home because of this problem.As far as Master knows, that classmate's identity and family background are very good, but that classmate made his private life relatively high-profile, which eventually led to the school's leaders having to take severe punishment measures. The relationship between Master and Meffin is far from that level, there is only a tacit understanding between the two, a perception that does not require words. It was Meffin's father who discovered the tacit understanding between the two.In the first two years of college, Meifen's father was very kind to Master, because Meifen's father was not a person who paid much attention to politics, and would pay more attention to Master who had good academic performance and was introverted. Meifen's father found a secluded place to have a heart-to-heart talk with the master. The content can be imagined, and naturally he wanted the master to retreat in spite of the difficulties. Master never complained about Meifen's father's attitude, because it was an instinctive attitude of that era, and had nothing to do with character or morality. Master began to deliberately avoid Meifen.For Master, this is not just leaving indifferently at the moment of meeting, but the pain of restraining the gravitational force in the heart, not letting go even if the heart is torn, and not daring to let go. Xiaosan's home is the only place where Master can directly look at his emotions. Although Master has never mentioned Meifen's matter to Xiaosan, on the day of Master's 23rd birthday, driven by alcohol, he still cried wantonly. Master always thinks of the scene when he and Meifen met at the intersection. Under Master's almost zero-degree expression, Meifen's expression changed from eagerness to disappointment to despair, which severely damaged Master's heart that outsiders could not understand. On the deserted path, Master cried and asked Xiaosan, how can we make up for the mistakes we made before we were born? Xiao San didn't answer, but just put his arms around Master and hugged him hard.Master said, with Xiaosan's cautious personality, his ignorant remarks should have been interrupted long ago.But Xiaosan didn't have it that day, she just used her own body temperature to warm up the injured brother a little bit. In 1966, the "Cultural Revolution" came.For Master, although this time was a little more intense than previous movements, it actually had little impact on Master. After all, Master has long been used to the differences brought about by his identity. There are no classes in the school, and the campus is covered with big-character posters. Learning is no longer the task of the students, but the big-character posters have become homework. For example, Master’s school stipulates that each student must complete more than five big-character posters. There is no limit, but it must be for the purpose of in-depth exposure. For this matter, Xiao San made a special trip to the school and asked Master not to write big-character posters of people around him casually.Xiaosan worried that Master could not grasp the situation and made a mistake.In fact, Xiaosan was worrying too much. Master knew very well that he did not have such political capital, so naturally he would not provoke such unwarranted gossip.Xiaosan and Master shared a lot of techniques for writing big-character posters. Since I have to write, I should criticize some things that have nothing to do with me, and find a few unlucky literati in Beijing to write a few articles. will hurt others. The severe winter of politics is colder than imagined, and the criticism of political bad elements in the streets and alleys is almost crazy.Once, Master and Xiao San saw the Red Guards criticizing an old professor on campus.The obsequious old professor is surrounded by a group of angry young people, and the old professor's son is forced to read a letter of promise to distance himself from his father. The master was in a bad mood that whole day. The appearance of the old professor reminded the master of the way his mother was criticized at the beginning. Maybe the experience of the old professor was worse than his mother. At least the mother and Xiao San were with her side, but he has only one ruthless son. But Xiaosan said that the old professor may not be really sad.Maybe we can't understand his heart, and it is never possible to draw a clear line between relatives by means of declaration. If we can protect our relatives, what is unacceptable? The master is very afraid to think about what Xiaosan said, because he does not believe that the old professor does not feel the tingling pain, just like his mother saw Xiaosan and himself being hurt back then, maybe the harm caused by relatives is more painful than that caused by others . Not all the big-character posters written by every student were as innocuous as those written by the master. Those students who were young and young began to target the teachers in the school.A kind of big-character poster became popular among students, that is, one or two classmates drafted a big-character poster to expose the teacher, and then collected the signatures of the whole class to strengthen the momentum. When encountering this kind of big-character posters that collect signatures, Master had no choice but to sign his own name on the paper. Although signing may offend people, refusing to sign on the spot will definitely leave evidence of not enthusiastically participating in the revolution. When the Mid-Autumn Festival was approaching, a friend who was close to Master gave Master some mooncakes. Although it was no longer a time of famine, food was still the most precious gift. The master hid the mooncakes under the cabinet, and planned to take them to Xiaosan's son Dongdong in a few days.That year, Dongdong was already two and a half years old. He was timid and afraid of strangers, but he was very hot with his master. Master said, maybe it's because he and Xiaosan have very similar auras. In those few days, there were so many things. Master was afraid that the mooncakes would be discovered by his classmates. At that time, he would be reluctant to invite them to eat, and he would seem petty if he didn't invite them, so he hid the mooncakes so deep that he even forgot about himself.When Master remembered it, the mooncakes seemed to have gone bad. The master thought it was a pity, and felt that it was not appropriate to bring the mooncakes back to Dongdong, so he ate them himself. Facts have proved that Master's judgment on the deterioration of mooncakes is correct.The next day, Master's stomach hurt and he went to the toilet countless times throughout the day. In this way, Master missed the opportunity to sign a big-character poster written by a classmate. By the time Master came out of the toilet, the students had already put up the signed posters.Master felt a little uncomfortable, because the students collected so many signatures, but they didn't wait for him. Master knew that even though his relationship with his classmates was not bad, deep down they still looked down on him who was born with a bad background.If the ones who went to the toilet were other students with unstained backgrounds, maybe they would have to wait a little longer. Besides being uncomfortable, Master was also a little scared, worried that people with ulterior motives would find out that he hadn't signed the big-character poster. Once this matter was investigated, it might cause trouble. But Master was too worried. The big-character poster had only been posted for a few days before it was covered by a new one.The consequences of this incident were unexpected, because the big-character poster reported on Meifen's father's ideological style. From then on, Meifen's father, who had always had a grudge against Master, began to look at Master differently. The master said that almost twenty years later, in the 1980s, Meifen’s father was seriously ill. His hands are still feeling this matter. Meifen's father said: "Wang Tingxuan, do you know how emotional I was when I read the big-character poster that criticized me? I used to treat you that way, but at the most critical moment, you didn't show up on the big-character poster." Signed. I counted the names carefully, and you are the only one in the class who did not sign. I felt at the time that it would not be a wrong decision to entrust my daughter to you." At that moment, the master felt very uncomfortable. Although Meifen's father misunderstood the whole thing, he deliberately concealed the real situation. Master struggled for a long time, but in the end he still didn't tell the truth.Facts have proved that Master's decision was correct. Meifen's father recovered quite well and is still in good health in his nineties.This incident was quite dangerous, if the master had confessed at that time, Meifen's father might have passed away on the spot. The master said that he has always felt that life is wonderful, even in the cold season, he still feels warm.Perhaps life is just like Xiao San said, the four seasons do not start in spring, because in the cold and hopeless winter, life begins to breed under the ice.Even in an era that does not belong to us, we cannot see or find the hope hidden in the corner, but it has never disappeared. Xiao San once said to Master that if you want to persevere until the moment of hope comes, you must learn to play hide-and-seek with this era that does not belong to us. 小三说，如果不想被人找到，我们便要学会低着头；如果这样不行，那我们便要懂得弯下腰；如果还是不行，那我们必须学会趴在地上。不要觉得自己在忍辱偷生，我们是伏在距离地心最近的地方聆听着春暖花开的声音。 对于未来师父很迷茫，因为即便希望永存在夜色中，漫长的等待依然足以让希望与爱迷失。师父相信小三描绘的未来也许会出现，只是不知道要等待多久！ 生活虽然谈不上圆满，但日子确实是一天天地向好的方向发展。到了一九六九年的时候，“文化大革命”虽依然进行着，但由于中央“要文斗不要武斗”的指导意见，最最动荡的日子仿佛已经过去了，尽管街头还时有武斗发生。 师父应该是一九六七年毕业的，但是由于学校里都在停课闹革命，师父滞留学校一年多才有了工作。师父工作后虽然没有转正，但却有了一个月四十三元的收入，一直以来困扰师父的经济困难，已然大大缓解了。 师父和梅芬有时候也会争执，不过大多数时候，吵完之后，梅芬都会跑去向小三或者嫂子诉苦。 这种时候，师父不会太紧张。因为梅芬去找小三或者嫂子，至少说明她把他们当成自己人，也说明两个人之间的矛盾，是属于可以调和的矛盾，是人民内部的矛盾。 小三常常会说一些师父小时候的趣事给梅芬听，梅芬很感慨小三和师父之间的感情。她有次很好奇地问师父：小三和师父之间难道从来没有闹过矛盾吗？ 其实怎么会没有？即便再好的兄弟，儿时也不免有打打闹闹的时候。不过小的时候，师父的个头小，即便小三再三忍让，师父也很难占上风。 所以，每次争执的结果都是以师父哭哭啼啼和小三再三安慰作为结束。 师父说，小时候的自己特别幼稚，即使吵架结束自己已经不生气了，还会很长时间不和小三说话。后来师父和小三约定，如果自己不生气了，便会把自己的鞋带松开，这样就表明小三可以去找一些玩具呀、食物呀来诱惑师父，请求和解了。 师父每次想到自己有多幼稚都会忍不住笑，当然他和小三之间的约定是万万不可告诉梅芬的，要不梅芬以后又多了一个嘲笑自己的谈资。 小三曾经很担心，以师父不沉稳的性格会在运动频繁的岁月里犯错。所以，小三最常和师父说的话，就是告诫师父小心谨慎。 事实上师父说自己并不是毛躁的人，可能在小三的心目中，这个大学毕业已经工作的弟弟永远都是一个有些幼稚毛躁的小孩子。师父从来没有想到出事的人会是小三。 那是一九六九年的冬天，嫂子过来报信的时候，小三已经被人抓了起来。 嫂子说，小三早晨上班后就没有回来，后来和小三同办公室的小四跑来报信，放在小三桌子上的毛主席石膏像，被人发现滴上了一滴墨水，于是小三被当成现行反革命抓起来了。 这个消息让师父慌了神，损坏主席像无疑是一个大罪名，师父不明白的是，为什么小三弄脏石膏像后，不及时处理。师父想，或许是事发突然，所以小三没有来得及处理。 那是师父最无助的日子，人生中注定有很多事情不是人力可以抗衡的。人生有时就像在水中央没有舵的小船，除了随风而行，别无选择。 师父一直期望奇迹出现，希望单位的人忽然淡忘了小三，但刚刚上任的工宣队队长对小三的事情却上了心。 师父说，其实那位队长很久以前便认识他和小三，他一直讨厌他们兄弟俩，这一次终于找到了机会。 工宣队队长说，小三是典型的地主阶级的孝子贤孙，是隐藏在人民群众中妄图复辟的野心家。工宣队队长说，一定要把这样的坏分子批臭、批倒。 师父再次见到小三的时候，小三站在“现行反革命分子王亦轩的批斗大会”的会场中央。小三静静地站在那里，眼睛里流露出的平静与凌乱的头发和有些伤痕的脸庞并不相称。 师父和小三一起站在会场中央，那是这么多天以来，师父和小三离得最近的一次。师父听见自己飘荡在空中颤抖得快要不能辨别的声音。 师父说：“我生在旧社会，长在红旗下，感谢党和毛主席对我多年的教育和培养。我的哥哥王亦轩把墨水滴在我们伟大的导师、伟大的领袖、伟大的统帅、伟大的舵手毛主席的石膏像上，这是对我们领袖的不尊重。我要坚决站稳阶级立场，和我的哥哥现行反革命分子王亦轩划清界限。” 这份“决裂书”是批斗会的前一天，师父和嫂子一起商量着写的。嫂子说：“上次我见到小三的时候，他悄悄告诉我，如果政治压力大，可以和我离婚。”嫂子还说：“小三一定是希望用这种方式去保护自己的家人。如果你因为倔强，不肯和他划清界限而受到牵连，甚至丢掉了工作，那么即便小三没事了，他也会为此事自责的。” 师父记得小三说过的话——亲人之间永远不可能通过宣告的方式划清界限。但是当师父念出这份“决裂书”的时候，还是被阵阵侵袭的痛苦缠住了。 那是一种师父永生也不希望回味的痛苦，就像塞在瓶子里不断膨胀的悲伤，只会在内心中不停地冲撞，越积越多，越压越重，却无法释放。 师父说，自己下台之前，偷偷望了小三一眼，小三漠然地望着师父。这是这么多年以来，小三第一次这样看着师父，那些曾经很多次、很多次出现在那张脸上的微笑，不再出现了。 严格地说，一九六九年已经不是最坏的年份了。在“文化大革命”爆发的前两年，师父的学校里有二十三个教师和职工选择了自杀。每次听到这种消息的时候，师父总会觉得心惊肉跳。因为对于同样出身有污点的师父来说，自然比别人更能体会这种压力。那种从高贵到卑贱的落差，足以摧毁任何一个人。师父没有想到小三也会迷失在等待光亮到来的夜色中。 小三离开的那天，天气好得异常。那是在连续的阴雨天之后突如其来的一个晴天，工宣队一位同志带来了现行反革命分子王亦轩畏罪自杀的消息。 师父见到小三的时候，小三静静地躺在一张窄窄的床上。见到小三之前，师父的心里一直存着希望，直到师父怎么也叫不醒小三的时候，师父才知道，小三真的不在了。 师父说：“小三出事以后，我一直叮嘱自己，可以难过，但是最好不要哭。因为哭了，之前所有的努力和伪装都白费了。但是看到小三躺在那里的时候，我忽然觉得自己错得离谱，因为自始至终，我为自己找了无数借口，却逃避了作为亲人应该承担的责任，还一厢情愿地以为小三可以理解、能够接受。” 师父说，他不知道小三决定离开的时候发生过什么，但是知道在小三的手最需要紧握的时候，自己却绝情地松开了。 师父睡了自己人生中最长的一觉，师父又梦见了儿时生活的小镇。 在每个节日来临的时候，小镇上照例会组织一些舞龙舞狮的队伍，那些队伍伴随着喧闹的鼓乐声在各家各户门口停留表演。 只是师父家被划定为地主成分后，队伍经过师父家门口的时候，便会直接绕过去，不再停留。但这并不影响师父的观赏，因为小三会牵着师父的手，跟着队伍，跟在欢笑的人群后面奔走。 师父说自己在梦中见到了小三，只是这次小三只顾着自己一直跑、一直跑，却不肯回头看一眼大声呼喊小三名字的师父。 师父醒来后，便再也找不到小三结婚那天送他的那件灯草绒衬衫了。后来梅芬听嫂子说，那件衣服随着小三一起走了，是师父昏迷前从自己身上脱下来穿在小三身上的。 师父说，不晓得为什么，嫂子描述的那个过程他自己怎么也记不清了。师父只记得自己伏在小三的身上，不停地对小三说：“我没有，我没有，我没有……” 师父努力地想告诉小三，自己从来没有想过要和他划清界限，只是小三再也听不到了。小三的人生画面中，自己的弟弟永远被定格在对着很多很多人发言的时刻，小三听到弟弟这样说：“我要坚决站稳阶级立场，和我的哥哥现行反革命分子王亦轩划清界限。” 师父始终找不到遗忘那段记忆的理由，也许人生会隐藏许多秘密，我们把不敢触及的记忆锁在记忆的深渊，以为打不开就不会痛。 师父更愿意相信那件衣服是小三自己拿走的。 师父对自己说：“这很好，反正我不配。” 师父体会到小三的感受是在几个月以后。 那天在小三身边的时候，那个当初建议把小三看管起来的工宣队长，一脚一脚踢着趴在小三身边的师父，他喊道：“王听轩，你喊的是什么划清界限？！你这个欺骗人民群众的狗崽子！” 师父说，混乱中可能他推了工宣队长一把。工宣队长倒在了地上，只是他没有发作，而是愤愤地走开了。 工宣队长的怨恨在几个月后终于爆发了，小三生前住的院子里的一位工人阶级的兄弟被放在院子里的铁锹绊了一跤，摔得挺严重。 有人说，这把铁锹和王听轩有关，于是工宣队长说，这是一次蓄谋已久的阶级报复。 师父说，在人生的每一个岔路口，我们都要面临选择，只是当我们太卑微的时候，选择权便不在自己手中，命运会代替我们翻开一张张决定人生的牌。对我们而言，所能做的便是走过去，不管道路上有什么。 师父在劳动改造的日子里，会想起很多人，有梅芬、有嫂子，还有自己的侄子东东，有时候也会想念小三，但是他不知道小三愿意不愿意自己去想他。 师父走的时候，梅芬提醒师父，小三的畏罪自杀，并不是让家人解脱的途径，从某些意义上说，小三的离开反而是默认了一切罪名。 师父知道梅芬说得没错，不管是嫂子还是自己这一生都会背负现行反革命家属的头衔，永远没有改变的机会。 师父告诉梅芬，他不会“畏罪”自杀，绝对不会。 梅芬流着眼泪送别师父的时候，师父觉得很抱歉，因为一直以来师父都清楚地知道自己未来的人生路上布满了冰屑与荆棘。但自己一直存有侥幸之心，甚至把原本不需要经历这种刺骨疼痛的梅芬引向了不属于她的人生路。 师父觉得自己是一个自私的人，一个以幸福的名义放弃亲情的人不自私吗？一个以爱的名义牺牲与拖累别人的人不自私吗？ 不过师父觉得自己可以弥补，也必须弥补自己曾经犯下的种种过错，当然前提是要找到适合的时机，一次不能错过的时机。 负责看管师父的警察中，有一位姓李的警官是师父的同乡。李警官和师父聊过几次，每次谈话的时候，语气都是冷冷的，只是师父明显感到了李警官对自己的照顾。 那时候，劳改农场里的管理松散得很，单身一人的李警官有时候找不到人带儿子，也会把他带在身边，和劳动改造的犯人待在一起。 说起来，李警官这样的做法也不是那么危险，毕竟这些被关押的犯人多是有政治问题的，并没有伤人的刑事犯人。 在李警官的儿子掉进劳动点附近的水塘之前，师父一直没有想到李警官的儿子就是自己等待了许久的时机。 师父跳下水，把李警官的儿子推到岸边的时候，出了一点问题，师父原本想扶着岸边的石头上去，但那块石头被师父扶得松了，随着师父掉进了水里。 以师父的水性，原本可以很轻松地避开那块石头，但师父忽然发现这就是这么多天以来自己遇到的最好的机会。 师父抱着石头向水中慢慢沉下去。师父说，那时候的自己心里所想的只是：这一次，反革命分子王听轩的死亡是有一点点不同的，他不是畏罪自杀，而是在救助革命干部家属的时候意外身亡的。 也许从那一天以后，梅芬会不再有一个反革命的丈夫，自己未出生的孩子不再有一个反革命的父亲，等他长大后读毛主席语录的时候，不会被人一巴掌扇在脸上，然后痛骂：“你这个地主阶级的狗崽子，怎么有资格念这些？！” 师父知道自己的水性很好，在江南水边嬉闹长大的孩子怎么会水性不好呢？于是师父只有紧紧地抱着那块沉重的石头，在师父心里，那块承载着那么多美好与希望的石头，更像一根必须奋力抓住的救命稻草，虽然那些美好和希望还只是也许。 师父说，自己曾经设想过与小三的离别，那应该是在他们两人很老的时候吧，在午后暖暖的阳光下，两个人躺在床上，微笑着聊着年轻时候的往事，然后其中的一个人渐渐没有了声音。 师父从没有想到自己和小三之间会以那种方式分别，同样也没有想到会以这种方式相会。 小三曾经说过，人不可以在挫折面前懦弱。虽然小三自己没有做到。但师父觉得自己并不属于小三说的那种懦弱，只是在另一个世界里，也有师父所爱的人，他必须要找到他，告诉他一些他不知道的事情。 师父是被农场里的工人陈师傅打昏后拖上岸的。在陈师傅的宣传下，师父的故事变成了劳改农场里最好笑的笑话。那段时间时常会有人说：“王听轩那个小子在水里慌了神，居然抱着个大石头不松手。”每次讲到这个桥段时，总会惹得围观的人大笑。 陈师傅人挺本分，对人也实在，缺点就是不太讲卫生。就拿刷牙来说，基本上是十天半个月才刷一次。师父和陈师傅也算挺有缘，十几年以后，居然在同一个城市工作。陈师傅依然时常在旧友团聚的场合，说起师父当年闹过的“笑话”。 陈师傅喜欢露出全是烟垢黄渍的牙齿，向大家一遍又一遍诉说当初自己是如何通过人工呼吸救回了师父的。 师父说，他每把这个细节说一遍，自己对他的感激之情就又少了一分。 嫂子出现在师父面前的时候，师父很吃惊，因为师父被关押的地方距离家乡很远，而且交通极其不便，所以师父万万没有想到很少出远门的嫂子会辗转四五天的路程过来看他。 师父后来才知道，嫂子向一位犯人的家属打听情况，听到“王听轩在水里抱着石头”的那个笑话，便立即赶了过来。 虽然嫂子一直假装不知道师父发生了什么事情，但是师父知道自己的想法是瞒不住嫂子的。 嫂子说：“离开的人没有痛苦，但是他们会把自己的责任留给活着的人，就像小三离开以后，便把很多事托付给了我们。那是一个很沉重的担子，但是我和你还有梅芬，三个人一起分担这个重担，便可以撑下去。可如果分担的人少了一些，担子再重一些，那些留下的人就会更辛苦。” 那只是一次很短的会面，但师父知道，小三离开后嫂子的生活压力沉重，为了带给自己这段话，嫂子花费了近十天的时间。 师父说，嫂子远去的时候，他想起了新婚那晚的小三，一样是在这样的千叮万嘱之后离去的。 师父知道自己不能死了。师父对自己说：“我会履行自己的责任，我可以低着头、可以弯着腰、可以趴在地上，但我一定会活下去。” 嫂子是坐着闷罐火车过来的，这种火车不怎么通气，人长时间坐着会很难受，但是车票比普通的火车票要便宜不少。 师父说，嫂子走的时候，他对她说不要再坐那种车回去了，路上有机会就吃点热的东西，不要一路都吃冷馒头。 嫂子答应了师父，但是很多年以后师父和嫂子聊天的时候，嫂子无意中说漏了嘴，她还是坐着闷罐车、吃着冷馒头回去的。 嫂子笑着说：“可以节约好几毛钱呢。” 师父说：“我早就猜到你会骗我。” 师父曾经觉得小三向自己描绘过的未来是虚幻的。小三说，一定会有一天，在这个世界上的每个人都会彼此尊重、彼此敬畏，不管对方是地主也好，右派也好。 但这一天居然真的到来了。一九七六年那一年，历史走到了一个新时代，那些曾经响彻耳边的革命口号，慢慢地开始消失了。家庭成分这样一个让师父惊心动魄的词，已经渐渐不那么刺耳了。虽然在最初的几年，人们谈到地主子女的时候，依然不由自主地选择藐视的态度，但时代真的变了，变得像小三描绘的那样，每个人都开始走向轨道，按照正常的秩序生活。 每个人都发生了许多变化，师父在学校里当了老师，梅芬在单位里成了业务骨干，而做了多年临时工的嫂子，被转成了正式的工人。 当然变化最大的人是小四，头脑灵活的小四去了政府工作，升官的速度比火箭还要快。在人们的印象中，小四这个名字早就被人忘了，即便是师父所在学校的校长，见到小四的时候也会故作热络且尊敬地喊他陈主任。 当年同住一个院子的很多人都对这位如今叫陈主任的小四颇有微词，抱怨的多是小四绝情，对老朋友不照顾。 不过师父觉得小四不错，当年嫂子被招收为正式工便是小四出的力。每次见到师父，不管身边是谁，小四都会跑过来和师父打招呼。有空的时候，小四还会拎着酒菜去师父家里找他叙叙旧。 很多人羡慕师父和小四要好，还有人觉得两个人应该是亲属关系，对于这种猜测师父觉得蛮好笑的。师父觉得小四对自己亲厚与两个人都有过一段受人歧视，艰难讨生活的经历有关。 师父说，那时候他根本没有意识到，小四对他的亲厚远远不像他自己想象的那么简单。 师父发现小四的秘密是在几年以后。那一年，小三的儿子东东已经快毕业了，虽然毕业后全部是包分配的，不过学生自身的人际关系还是会影响到毕业后分配工作的好坏。嫂子知道自己没有什么背景，便拜托师父请小四帮忙。 嫂子说，东东的学习成绩也算不错，咱也不指望分到什么好单位，只要能留在本地就可以。 那天晚上，师父弄了几个菜，把小四请了过来。 小四很爽快，完全没有犹豫便答应了。 小四和师父一边喝酒，一边聊了很多过去的事情。小四喝了很多酒，然后忽然趴在桌上大哭。 小四的举动让师父很意外，但也无从劝起，因为他不知道小四到底是想起了哪段伤心的往事。 小四哭了一会儿，忽然抬起头，望着师父说：“五哥，毛主席像上的那滴墨水是我滴上去的。” 那一瞬间，师父的脑子里一片空白，心上那个已经结了痂很久的伤口痛了起来。 师父想起孤零零地站在批斗会场中央的小三，原来整件事情中，小三才是最无辜的人，替别人顶罪，被亲人放弃，而造成这一切的就是眼前这个装了很久好人的家伙。 小四说：“我不是故意的，三哥被他们抓起来的时候，我很害怕，我不敢承认是我干的，我没有想到三哥会死。” 师父说，他把整杯的酒泼在了小四的脸上，他第一次看到有人被酒泼醒。 小四像一只关在笼子里等待被宰杀的狗一样，可怜巴巴地望着师父。 师父说，他没有打小四，因为他知道他和曾经的自己一样，期望用身体上的痛苦舒缓内心的愧疚。 师父在心里说：“你别想，因为我们都是害死小三的凶手，虽然我们无法分清谁是主谋，谁是帮凶！” 东东毕业后分配到了一家不错的单位，有人议论王卫东和小四的关系的时候，师父才知道小四在其中做了很多工作。师父觉得自己很可耻，这些所谓的好处，都是用小三的性命换回来的。 只是师父没有勇气回绝那些帮助，师父不想用东东的前途去换取自己的自尊，也不想让嫂子承受旧时的伤口被再次揭开的痛苦。 那以后，师父见过小四好些次，小四站在师父回家的必经之路上，怯生生地望着师父。 师父说，他总是面无表情地走过去，他知道小四只是希望他可以走过去和他说一句话，哪怕是毫无意义的一句话。 但是师父觉得自己做不到，有时候师父也会怀念年轻时和小四在一起的时光，可惜那时候的师父和小四都没有想到，有一天他们会用最惨烈的方式，将彼此的人生路践踏得崎岖不平。 小四在那条路上坚持了很久，一次、两次、三次……终于有一天，小四不再出现了。 师父说，“我们之间那条本不该相逢的人生路，终于不再交叉了。” 那之后的一段时间，师父还是时不时听到小四的消息，因为总有人希望通过曾经和小四亲密无间的师父接近陈主任，时常有人在和师父聊天的时候把话题引向陈主任。但渐渐地，那些有企图的人发现陈主任已经不再来找师父了。 师父知道小四住院消息的时候，距离喝酒的那一晚已经过去了六七年。师父说，那