Chapter 113 The twentieth day of my thirteenth birthday

The year "The Wilderness" was banned was 1988.I remember very clearly that when I was thirteen years old, I went back to the small town where I used to live to see my classmates.There, in that dilapidated cinema, "The Wilderness" was about to be shown.It was the twentieth day of my thirteenth birthday, August 25, 1988.I found my classmates.One is the kind of guy who looks like an honest and reckless old man. I have forgotten his name. I call him W.The other, like me, was tall, with a teenager's lean, brown body, and I still remember his name, I called him L.They used to be my protectors. Every freshman in middle school had to find such protectors and form some secret, tacit little associations in order to survive in a middle school where dangers raged and the jungle was preyed on by the jungle.Now, it's still the same.Wherever it is, it's all the same.

They weren't the only friends I had, I had other friends, some tougher, more mature upperclassmen.I am their man, and they threatened that if anyone provokes me, he will be attractive.One of them, I still remember, his house is not far from my house, and the adults of the two families work together.He was extremely handsome, with big bright eyes, a straight nose, and was very muscular, resembling those of later Japanese cartoons.He is the leader of all, and all obey him.He died at twenty-three, after falling off a cliff during a not-so-dangerous climb, and it took them days to recover his body.Those who died prematurely, and maybe others, we are all survivors.

The three of us met in the field outside L's house.It was autumn at that time, the corn and sorghum in the wilderness had matured and had not been harvested, and the poplar groves had also turned golden.We were standing in a small wood and talking, and the sound of the wind blowing the leaves was really pleasant.We haven't seen each other for a long time, and our eyes are staring at each other eagerly, as if we want to snatch each other's soul into our own, imprison, and feed.At that time, there was this kind of enthusiasm, irrational enthusiasm, nascent desire, and the budding sea.Refuse to choose at all, and do not discern.

Let's go see "The Wilderness", a banned film that we have heard about for a long time.Go to the only movie theater in the town.That movie theater is still the same as it was thirty years ago, and that's what the movie theater in "Platform" looks like.There were only nine people in total, and besides the three of us, there were six soldiers from the nearby barracks.A total of nine people bought tickets to watch the movie, so the cinema decided to stop showing it.Those soldiers sent representatives to negotiate. We waited in the hall. At this time, it started to rain outside.

There is a pair of eyes that have been staring at me all the time, staring at me from the beginning.It was a handsome Air Force officer from the south.He was wearing a light uniform shirt with maybe epaulettes, Air Force trousers from those days, maybe blue, maybe not, I've forgotten.Anyway, he was wearing military clothes.The surrounding environment and smell are still in the memory, and there is an incredible precision, but he is vague.He stood at first, then sat down, crossed one leg over the other, and wrestled with his hands, but he kept looking at me.I was thirteen at the time, and as I’ve said, I wasn’t fat and thin from overeating or erotic from hanging out in bars and in front of computers like I am now. dark circles.At that time, I had no wrinkles and no shadow left by scars. At that time, I was a beautiful teenager with a clean face.I knew it very well, from a very young age, from the first time he looked at me, I knew it.Sometimes, I was also a little hesitant about whether I should mention my premature awakening that did not match my age at that time. I had no other concerns, but I was worried that others would think it was fabricated by me.Until one day, I saw it.I don't have that worry anymore.

He was looking at me all the time, and I knew that because I was looking at him too, and being watched by someone more mature than yourself is the achievement and glory of most kids.And I obviously already knew that it wasn't simple, sane, banal attention, and not all kids were good enough to earn it.So I was immersed in this doubled glory, like walking at night in brocade clothes, but the secret joy was gradually lost. "Rain" creates a temporarily closed and isolated space. In this space, because there are no consequences and responsibilities among those who pass by by chance, there is temporarily a lustful atmosphere where they can do whatever they want. The degree of unfamiliarity between the two parties doubled.This is a high-altitude tightrope walk and barrel car ride without the slightest danger, happening and suppressed in the stage of imagination, wrestling without sound, it is the scorching sun shining on the black and green waxy leaves, a Tahiti island At noon, the shade is hidden in the dark green, the red and purple on the fruit seems to be dyed on the hands, and someone is shouting in the stream.It seems that all the stimulation happens in the imagination, and the pleasure is not diminished in the slightest.

The following passage is excerpted from Yukio Mishima. A young man descended from the slope.Carrying the dung bucket back and forth, with a dirty towel wrapped around his head, with a good-looking cheek and a pair of bright eyes, he walked down the slope with his legs sharing the weight.It was a toilet cleaner—someone who scooped up excrement.He was wearing rubber-soled cloth shoes and navy-blue pants. As a five-year-old me, I stared at him strangely.The meaning was not yet determined, but the first revelation of a power, a dim unimaginable call to me.The appearance of the toilet cleaner is initially allegorical.Because excrement is a symbol of the earth.Because what calls out to me is no different from the malicious love of the mother who is the root.

I had a hunch that there was some burning desire in this world.I look up at the filthy young man's figure, and that "I want to be him" desire, "I want to be him" desire binds me tightly.It clearly occurred to me that there were two important points in this desire.One is his navy blue underpants, and the other is his profession.Navy blue pants clearly outline the outline of his lower body.It trembled softly, and I couldn't help feeling that it was coming towards me.I had an indescribable admiration for those underpants. For, with regard to his profession, I feel a certain extreme sadness and longing for this burning sadness.I feel "something tragic" in an extremely sensual sense from his profession.From his profession overflowed a sense of so-called "coming forward", a sense of self-abnegation, a sense of closeness to danger, a surprising mixture of emptiness and vitality.They approached the five-year-old me and captured me.Maybe I misunderstood the profession of toilet cleaner, or maybe I heard some other profession from people, misidentified it because of his clothes, and forcibly attached it to his profession, otherwise, it cannot be explained.

There was a noise from upstairs, the people who had won the negotiations were complaining and going down the stairs, the movie was finally about to start.My friend and I walked into the dark movie theater and he sat not far behind us, when the light on the screen was bright enough, I could see the light in his eyes, he was still looking at us, looking at me Like being intimate with my friend. South Sea Film Company. "The Wilderness". He, that tough man, Qiu Hu, maybe made some money as a bandit, escaped from prison, and returned to his hometown with hatred.Like Heathcliff, he has forgotten where his hatred came from and who it was born from. He only needs to complete his revenge and give himself an account of how many years of wandering, adventure, pain, and tossing and turning at night.He needs revenge, and revenge is enough.This desire is pure and strong, without any impurities at all.It doesn't matter that the person he wants to take revenge on is no longer there, this desire has already been loaded, and the barrel of the gun is burnished red hot, and it won't work if it doesn't fire.

It was autumn in his hometown, and the fields were bright red and golden, and even his enemy's house was deserted. Standing there, he seemed a little hesitant.His woman was forced to marry the offspring of his enemy a long time ago. She couldn't love the person she wanted to love, and was pampered by the person she didn't love for many years. She gradually lost her heart and turned towards a bad woman. .And this badness has no real content. She bears the name, with a red face, in the northern plains, picking a small wild chrysanthemum and pinning it on her head, or holding a piece of wood in her mouth, or a piece of chrysanthemum. The bright red berries surprised her.Just live like this?She didn't think about it, flashing her face among the birch trees.She is still living in the crowd so far, so it is not difficult to be found.

Then both love and hate will break out, breaking the autumn, and thunderstorms will come.The fleeing steps of the rabbit ups and downs, heavy breathing, and the discomfort of the rain staining clothes and hair on the forehead all came together.In the end, they see the narrow railway track in the jungle and the beauty of their hometown they thought they would never see again, and it is there that we feel the camera tilt.Their whole lives are tilted there too, and the planet won't even feel like it's lost a bit of its dusty weight. In that movie, there is a very beautiful piece of music, once you hear it, you will never forget it again. The refreshing beauty of the northern wilderness cannot be forgotten. The movie is still the same movie, stopping at one hour and forty-four minutes, but the people watching the movie are fourteen years older. I put the DVD out of the machine, and the light green number on it flickered for a while, then slowly disappeared.There should be no light in the room at all.Those people slowly came one by one in the darkness.