Chapter 38 Chapter Eighteen

Ever since he witnessed what happened on the edge of the forest when the enemy shelled in the early morning, Shangguanfeng has not been freed from the overwhelming darkness and fear that suddenly broke into his heart at that moment. "...Death....Yes." Amidst the sound of shell explosions in the woods, he curled up deep in the cat's ear hole, staring blankly at the small piece of the wall that was constantly shaking in front of him. For a long time, he felt like a cold snake crawling up the ditch of the spine, wrapped around his neck and throat, and his consciousness was completely frozen, and only the idea above that horrified him remained; I know what happened at the edge of the forest, but I don't understand it, especially I don't understand that death will be such a naked and completely unprepared form.It seems that death shouldn't be so sudden, turning a living person into a bomb crater steaming with thin veil-like smoke, it shouldn't be so simple... yes, it shouldn't be that simple!

"Death.... What kind of thing is it? Its truth is different from all the concepts, theories, poems, music, paintings that I have known in the past to explain it....Death is just a kind of thing. Unpredictable, unexpected, unexpected facts that people encounter. ... Death is the end of everything, not only the end of all metaphysical, soul-like existence of thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc., but above all the destruction of the body." Consciousness It started to flow, and then blocked up here, as if someone wanted him to understand more carefully the unique heavy background of the word "destruction"; the cold snake was moving around his throat, binding his neck tighter and tighter; the sight in front of him The darkness gradually faded. Shangguanfeng raised his head and looked out of the cave. The darkness did not dissipate completely. It turned into a gray-black curtain, covering all the scenery within his field of vision, making the artillery fire looted. The world, mountains, rivers, and vegetation below all have an uncharacteristically eerie tone.As if in order to understand the full meaning of the word "destruction", his eyes subconsciously turned to the shell crater outside the forest under the slope again.He still didn't see it, all he saw was a few clumps of burning bushes on the edge of the pit.The branches of the bushes were black, and the flames that were devouring these branches and leaves were also black. This picture made his heart tremble again, and he suddenly felt that it was more terrifying than the scene of death he had just experienced.

"What happened to me here? . . . Yes, something happened. Because of that crater, those black flames, I suddenly couldn't comprehend anything. . . . I lost my comprehension of war and death . . . " Consciousness is flowing again, and then blocked; flowing again, and blocked again. "...I have encountered a thing that I can't understand at all: death... It scares me. Is this shameful? No.... Life is what every grass wants infinitely, otherwise every time the cold winter passes, When early spring comes, they will not hastily and joyfully unfold the bits of greenery that have been treasured and bred in their hearts for a winter, they will not let their flowers bloom in the most beautiful season of life, and they will not be full of enthusiasm when the autumn wind is bleak. Sow the seeds to the ends of the earth...Death, even an ant is unwilling, so after the ant dies, the corpse will also present a painful and ugly posture....Man is the spirit of all things, his living space and thinking The space is so vast, and the cognitive ability can even reach the realm that you can't predict. Every new sunrise, every new landscape - a mountain, a river, a forest or even a fallen leaf, a drop of sunlight illuminated Drops of water can bring joy and happiness to his life. Throughout the year, he can expect joy that is difficult for other creatures to obtain. In order to make himself happy, man has created so many things that are enough to match the beauty of nature. Brilliant achievements of civilization, man started his voyage to conquer the universe as soon as he learned to stand up.... In order to enjoy life, man has made great efforts to control aging and prevent himself from dying prematurely.... Man has more things than ants. But life is only once like an ant, so death is especially terrible and regrettable to people.”

"But man also created war." He continued to think, but his consciousness was blocked here, and he encountered the dark and terrifying thing that he didn't understand.Life is what people desire; death is what people hate; but people use war to let others and themselves die. "...Man has created science, invented rockets to land on the moon, and written magnificent poems. Their intelligence should not be so low. ... But they still have to use war to solve many problems. There must be some kind of deeper , a more reasonable and stronger reason, a reason that is both sad and helpless.  …”

His thinking returned to rigorous logical deduction; he realized that he had just begun to get rid of the disorder and chaos that the crater brought to his heart, and was stepping closer to understanding the essence of war and the death that war brought to soldiers .But he couldn't continue thinking.Half an hour after the enemy shelled, the whole battalion had received an order to attack the 632 highland area.Wu Bin called him out of the cat's ear hole, and conveyed the order of the company commander, asking him to take the three platoons to gather outside the forest.Shangguan Feng mechanically carried out the company commander's order, and the inner problems were not resolved. On the contrary, he was given a new sense of urgency and heaviness because the company was about to set off to fight ("You may fall down before you figure it out. it!" he thought).Standing on one side of the assembled team, Shangguanfeng shook his head, trying to wake up from this endless nightmare, but saw the sun through the forest: the sun is also black, with a black mass in the center Under the sun are the familiar world, mountains, rivers, vegetation, and they are all black, or in other words, without exception, they are all covered with a thin black veil like a thin mist!

With these feelings and thoughts, he experienced everything that happened after the assembly of the whole company: he participated in the cadre meeting, listened to Cheng Ming convey the instructions of the deputy head of the regiment; returned to the platoon to organize the combat inspection before departure; and then stood in the queue Waiting for the time to go.He did all this passively and absent-mindedly. The urgent problem in his heart prevented him from truly turning his attention to the outside world, but what happened outside affected him to continue to think deeply.He didn't hear Zhao Guangliang's cry. He didn't wake up until Cheng Ming ran over and scolded Zhao Guangliang and him, but he didn't hear what Cheng Ming said.At this moment, there was only one simple thought in his mind: what is this annoying guy shouting?Let him go away quickly!Thinking of it this way, a vicious idea came to his mouth without a teacher. "Company commander, he's hungry!" He said loudly to Cheng Ming, his eyes became bright and sharp.The effect of this sentence was really good, the soldiers around laughed, Cheng Ming thought he had been greatly insulted, shouted something at him, and walked away angrily!

Then something else happened: an unsuccessful cadre meeting was held; the company commander yelled at the cook.However, he felt that none of them had anything to do with him, but he never returned to the ice of logical thinking that seemed to find the answer soon.Then the company set off.The sun, the earth, and the mountains and rivers are still black and lifeless, but they imply a more urgent meaning; a path that is also covered with the black veil of death stretches unsteadily towards the big mountain ridge of Qipanling.His attention returned to the unresolved problem in his heart. "War and death.... This is a question I don't understand, but I must understand it," he thought. A shell flew from the direction of Tianzi Mountain and landed on the high slope with a howl. He instinctively He dodged back, didn't pay attention to the stone under his feet, and sat down on his buttocks.After the thick smoke dissipated, he saw a few soldiers in the second row in front looking at him with sneering eyes, as if saying: Look at a shell that scares you!Shangguan Feng suddenly felt his face burning hot again. "...would they really think of me that way?...They must think I'm afraid of death!...but don't they have the slightest fear of death?" , his fears may indeed be despicable and shameful.It took another ten minutes for another shell to come screaming, and before it hit the ground, he saw the soldiers who had ridiculed him just now screaming and lying on the ground, and hadn't gotten up for a long time. "...No, they are also afraid of death," he thought, his heart, which had been tortured by the sense of shame, felt better. "In this case, why did they laugh at me just now?...What is the difference between them and me?... ..." Another shell came flying, and he prostrated himself on the ground again, and some excitement suddenly appeared in his life. "...there is still a difference. The difference between us is that I went to college and they didn't. Their fear is just a simple feeling that comes with danger and goes with danger. My fear is a thought. ——I lost not only life in death, but also Pythagoras, Newton, Gauss, Galileo, Einstein, and the non-war mission of human beings they understood, as well as all the past thousands of years The civilization of the earth or the civilization of the solar system, as well as the happiness of all the people I don’t know or enjoy, I can’t help but think that I have more things to lose in death than they, and I have more reasons to suffer for it. …”

Even so, he stood up again and climbed up to Qipanling Dashanliang step by step with difficulty.War is beyond his comprehension, and death is something he fears, but this mechanical climbing action does not seem to be directly related to the two. It is only related to another professional responsibility that has now become the instinct of his life. It has something to do with the habit of obedience which this professional responsibility entrusts to him and gradually develops.Since he walked on this path, shells flew from time to time, and his inner attention had to be partially diverted to the outside world, and the fear of death outside also partially offset his inner attention to death; however, he could not He completely gave up his attention to death, and he couldn't stop thinking about the metaphysical reasons for war and his own death. Therefore, he didn't pay full attention to the fear of death in the outside world. What is the meaning of the small triangular flags - which are also covered with a black veil.He understood this meaning subconsciously, but he didn't rise to the level of consciousness, so he didn't "understand"; but after all, because of the former, he didn't step on the grass and bushes outside the small flag.Shangguanfeng was the first to climb the Qipanling Mountain Ridge with three rows more than the first row and the second row; his "metaphysical" fear of war and death prevented him from feeling the death fear of the outside world wholeheartedly. A kind of fear reaction is insensitive and slow. Many times, others feel that they should lie down quickly, but he continues to climb up the hill without feeling it. At this time, his behavior becomes calm in the eyes of the whole platoon. and heroism; before the enemy shelling started, he turned a blind eye to the fact that the whole platoon violated the regulations by eating dry food. When they set off, the soldiers in the third row had a little more belly than the soldiers in the first row and the second row "Capital", this "capital" has shown its effect at the critical point; Shangguanfeng himself obeyed the company's regulations, and did not eat compressed dry food in advance, so he was the first to enter the dizzy, weak legs, A state of reduced sensory and conscious abilities.At this time, Ge Wenyi, the leader of the eighth squad, and Liu Youcai, the leader of the seventh squad, fulfilled the promises they made to him before going to bed last night. They didn't let him "disgrace", they took turns supporting him, and walked up step by step, and finally reached the road that appeared to be before. A mountain ridge that seems too high to climb.

Standing on the mountain ridge line with both feet, he found that the company commander had also completed the climb to Qipanling almost at the same time.Shangguanfeng's consciousness returned to reality: Cheng Ming didn't let them stay on the mountain ridge line for a while, so he ordered the third platoon to become a sharp knife platoon, and went down to Nandapo to catch up with the eighth company's team! The majestic and formidable peaks of Tianzi Mountain hurt Shangguan Feng's eyes head-on, they were like everything he saw today covered with a horrible black veil of death.The fear in his heart came back, so Cheng Ming saw a fleeting moment of indecision on his bloodless face.But the power of obedience given to him by the sense of professional responsibility that became another part of his life instinct once again acted on his will, and Cheng Ming's order was immediately carried out.