Chapter 19 Chapter Eighteen

The third row came up, and Shangguan Feng stepped into the queue. He would feel better about himself only when he was back in the platoon, with soldiers around his age, and away from the "adults" such as deputy regimental commander and company commander. The troops climbed with difficulty on an uphill path.The woods are dense and sparse again, sparse and dense again, and the moonlight also dims as it brightens, and brightens as it dims.The hands on their wrists pointed to eleven o'clock in the middle of the night. After four hours of rapid march, the soldiers were exhausted to the extreme, walking silently with their heads bowed, and all they could hear was their hard breathing.At the cadre meeting just now, Shangguanfeng suddenly realized that a significant change had taken place in his heart: since he entered the war zone, his thinking about war was basically purely personal, and the light of life illuminated only his own life. and death, but at this moment he realizes that personal life and death is not only not the whole thing, it is not even the most important thing.The most important thing is that he must first think of others, especially his own responsibilities as a platoon leader.This is a brand-new idea that flooded into his heart, he realized; what the deputy commander and the company commander said gave him another feeling that shook his heart strongly: before the battle, he was always thinking In their eyes, the personal life and death is not a matter worthy of attention and seriousness. Compared with your life or death, what is more important to them is whether you are competent and what will happen to the whole world if you neglect your duties. The damage caused by the company, the whole battalion, and even the overall situation of the war.You are no longer a being alone, but a spoke, a tiny part of the wheel of war that has rumbled on. "Individual life and death are not important, what matters is the victory of the war." He abstracted this feeling into a clear and aphoristic thought at once. I can see a lot more clearly.

"War. Death. Responsibility. Victory.... These are the questions I should think about before the war, but I have never thought about anything other than death..." He thought silently, feeling that he could use a rational attitude again Think about the problems facing life, and no longer be bothered by the shame that the company commander just brought to him.And why the words of the company commander aroused a strong sense of shame and anger in my heart is itself a question that needs to be analyzed rationally. "In the past, I never thought about my responsibilities on the battlefield, and I never thought about others except myself. The reason is that I have never been involved in war. My inner world is still hesitating in the void between peace and war. However, In fact tonight I have entered the war, there is no question, there is no escape... I am ashamed today because I have been suspected for what seems to be no reason, my dignity and personal honor have been injured ...Then why do they do this? They do this because they also have their own responsibilities, and if tomorrow's battle goes badly, it will be a matter of their dignity and honor....From this perspective, I have just been concerned about the war. The thinking is still incomplete. When you face a war, besides personal life and death, there is also a question of responsibility, a particularly sensitive question of personal dignity and honor.  … I am willing to Did the commander commit the crime of dereliction of duty and accept the court-martial trial after the war?..." For a while, he looked at the bright white moonlight floating on the forest leaves in front of him, and his thoughts jumped to the deputy head's proposal to the cadres of the whole company not long ago. On the topic of the past, and unconsciously became excited, "No, my attitude is the same as that of the platoon leader, the second platoon commander, and the deputy company commander. I said it because I hadn’t thought it through. But now that I think it through, it’s better to die a heroic battle than to accept that shame.”

The team had already climbed the bare, long ridge that Liu Zongkui had just passed.The moonlight melted, and the water moistened the high and low top layers of the forest sea rising from the bottom of the valley on both sides.The mountain peaks in the distance are like small inconspicuous mounds, lined up in large groups of gray and white thick clouds.After some contemplation above, the heavy premonition of death has not disappeared from Shangguanfeng's mind, but it is no longer the only existence after all. Responsibility, victory, personal dignity and honor have become equally real, important, heavy presence.However, all the latter did not lessen the heavy pressure of the premonition of death on him, on the contrary, it made it stronger and closer. "No matter what, I won't let myself lose face tomorrow, that's for sure...but it's just one side of the matter. The other side is: the more I charge forward and fight bravely, the more likely I am to die... "

"Platoon leader, what are you thinking?" A soldier with a Sichuan accent asked, waking him up from his contemplation.Shangguanfeng turned his head and saw clearly that it was Liu Youcai, the leader of the seventh squad. Liu Youcai was five years older than him, twenty-two years old, thin, of medium build, and weighed only forty-eight kilograms (they weighed them with scales in the station before the war), and he was the kind of simple and honest man who could be seen through at a glance. Farm children.Before the war, Liu Youcai was the machine gunner of the Eighth Company, but he was transferred to the Ninth Company to be the squad leader when the organization was expanded. Now besides his own submachine gun, he also carries a squad machine gun on his shoulder for others.Shangguanfeng doesn't have an older brother, so when he gets along with Liu Youcai, he feels like a kind-hearted older brother.He also noticed that after his real age was spread throughout the platoon, only Liu Youcai did not change his respectful attitude towards him.

"Oh, I didn't think about anything." He prevaricated vaguely, unwilling to speak out his real thoughts.Although it is much easier for him to get along with soldiers like Liu Youcai than with "adults" like Jiang Tao, Liu Zongkui, and company commanders, there is still a gap in his relationship.I am not the same person as them: Liu Youcai's educational level is generally low, and most of them did not finish middle school or college and voluntarily joined the army. They are real soldiers and fighters, but he is a highly educated, People who have artificially changed their life paths, aspirations, and tastes to be completely different from theirs.He doesn't want to make friends with them.

Even entering a war zone, facing war and death, did not change his mentality. There was a sense of inquiry in Liu Youcai's eyes.After walking a few steps forward, the seventh squad leader lowered his voice again and asked: "What kind of meeting was held in the company just now?...Did the battalion give us a company mission?" The team stopped at this moment.Probably the front is blocked again.When the soldiers heard the question from the seventh squad leader, they quietly approached him and listened to his answer with concern. "There is no mission for our company in the battalion," Shangguanfeng replied, "The deputy commander and the instructor are here to check the combat readiness." Afraid that Liu Youcai would not believe it, he added another sentence.

The team moved on again.Liu Youcai did not speak.Shangguanfeng didn't return to his contemplative mood either.He found that because of what he said just now, the atmosphere in the exhausted queue was quietly alive! "Hey, Lao Qi, are you still worried that you won't be able to fight?" This was Ge Wenyi, the eighth squad leader, who was speaking, and at the same time he patted Liu Youcai roughly on the shoulder carrying the machine gun.Before the war, Ge Wenyi came from the first battalion and the first company. He was stout and spoke loudly. He was the most outspoken and courageous among the three squad leaders in the platoon. like him).After four hours of night marching, he seemed to be the only one left in the platoon, still as energetic and enthusiastic as when he set out.

"He is not afraid that he will not be able to fight, he is afraid that if there is no battle, he will not be able to make achievements, and if he does not make achievements, he will not be able to marry a wife!" Someone behind teased, causing a burst of laughter in the queue. "Hey, old Zhao, how many falls have you had in total?" Qin Erbao, the deputy of the eighth class, asked the new recruit Zhao Guangliang in a teasing tone.Although there was moonlight tonight, the troops walked in the dark forest for the first hour, with one foot on the slippery moss, and everyone fell a lot.

"I fell 12 times at the beginning, but I didn't remember any more after that." Zhao Guangliang answered honestly.This is a young man about eighteen years old, with a figure of 1.72 meters, he looks like an adult, but the expression and timid eyes on his face still look like a child. "What about you?" He asked Qin Erbao. "Ouch, then you are the champion!" Qin Erbao exclaimed triumphantly, "I only fell twice." Qin Erbao was short and thick, with a round baby face, except for a pair of expressive and flexible , Don't think bad things, others think they are thinking bad things, small eyes, and there are some blurred scars on the face.Qin Erbao was transferred from the regiment's anti-aircraft machine gun company before the war, and he also brought a nickname: "Jiao Erbao".According to his own private statement, the reason why he was able to become the deputy squad leader of the eighth class was because he became the "confidant" of the instructor Liang Pengfei when he arrived at the ninth company.

"You are too modest!" His voice fell, and he was robbed by Li Le, the monitor of the ninth squad, who came up from behind.Before the battle, Li Le was also transferred from the regiment's anti-aircraft machine gun company, so he knew Qin Erbao's details. "I fell no less than fifteen times just looking at you, and you fucking fell twice!" There was a burst of laughter in the queue.Qin Erbao was a little embarrassed, wanted to argue with Li Le, but felt that he couldn't take advantage of it, so he said, "Old Nine, why do you care about me so much! Are you my bodyguard?!"

The excitement of this moment quickly passed, and there was only heavy breathing left in the queue.Shangguanfeng walked, walked, and gradually returned to that contemplative state of mind, but now it is not himself who occupies the center of consciousness, but the soldiers in front of him and behind him. "Why are they so excited?...They just heard me say that the battalion didn't give us a mission....The deputy head didn't give the Ninth Company a mission tonight, it doesn't mean that he won't give the Ninth Company a mission tomorrow, they don't It shouldn't have occurred to me.... Then what are they happy about? They're excited because they think they've heard good news. But why do they think it's good news?" He wondered, aware of his heavy A ray of sunshine penetrated into the dark heart. "...The reason why they think it is good news is because they are willing to think it is good news, and the fundamental reason is that they also went to the battlefield like me." He was surprised by his discovery, as if It just happened, "Since they go to the battlefield like me, they have a life and death issue to consider just like me. ... The real secret is: Although they go to the battlefield, they don't want to fight in their hearts." It was this last aphoristic thought that opened his closed inner vision, and he now noticed not only a white cloud and a black cloud in the sky, but also the vast fields, villages, and distant vistas. A freestanding tree too. "...how did I not notice this simple fact in the past?" he asked himself, thrilled by the discovery above. I am facing the same fate with them....The black cloud means death, and the other white cloud represents life, and they hang over the lives of all of us....After the war, some of them are willing to go to war Court-Martial?" A thought popped out of nowhere and crossed his mind. "No, that thing was disgraceful, terrible, and unimaginable to them too. They were more real soldiers and soldiers than I was. Since they would think about life and death like me, they must think like me. The same regard for military duty, personal dignity and honor. They, like me, have no other choice but to fight valiantly to win." The peaks, ridges, and cliffs of the Gongmu Mountains protrude closer and closer to the depths of the sea of ​​clouds in the southwest.The moonlight is getting brighter and brighter at this moment, as if it is really turning night into day.Heifengjian is coming.The black cloud of death is still floating in the sky of Shangguanfeng's heart, but because of the contemplation just now, the white cloud of life is much stronger for the first time, and has the strength to compete with the black cloud. strength. "...I am not myself, I am a part of the whole. Why have I always been unable to go to war in the past? ...The reason is that I have a deep fear of death. I thought that as long as I didn't admit it, it didn't exist for me ...But it exists, and the despair I had in my heart just shows that I know it. But why am I so desperate?...Because I only had myself in my heart at that time, and I knew that my strength was small. In front of the wheel, my life is not even as tenacious as a blade of grass... But now it is different. I am with Liu Youcai, Ge Wenyi, Qin Erbao, Li Le, and even with the company commander and deputy commander. As a whole. If it is impossible for each of us to overcome war and death individually, it is no longer impossible to overcome them as a whole." The command of the company commander came from the front: When you go down the mountain, you will find Heifengjian, and you must keep absolutely quiet while you are marching.Shangguan Feng's meditation was interrupted.He knew that many problems in his mind had not been solved, but because of the above meditation, his heart became bright and relaxed, and a masculine and heroic feeling flooded quietly.After all, tonight was the first time since he entered the war three months ago that he was no longer afraid of the strange, huge, terrible thing he was destined to encounter tomorrow.