Chapter 20 Act 18 The Trial of Grant

The scene is the same as Act 1. God Lee: (Stands up, knocks the gavel) Now announce the opening of the 18th Court of the "Last Judgment" (sit down).Biography of the defendant Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th President of the United States. (Grant stands up.) God Lee: You are Grant, born in 1822, the 18th President of the United States.Your full name has changed three times in your life: the full name your parents gave you was Hiram Ulysses Grant. When you grew up, you reversed the first letter and the second letter and changed it to Ulysses Hiram Grant. You were recommended for admission in 1839 At West Point, Congressman Thomas Lyon Hamer, who sponsored you, mistyped your name as Ulysses Simpson Grant, which you have not corrected, and you have been using that name ever since.Yes or no?

Grant: God Lee said it all. God Lee: General Grant, you are not corrupt.After you stepped down, your admirers donated $250,000 to you. As a result, you invested indiscriminately, failed badly, and declared bankruptcy.Mark Twain paid you half a million for your memoir, which you wrote in the throat cancer ward.After you died at the age of 63, your famous saying - "Let us have peace" (Let us have peace.) was engraved on the grave.In fact, except for the period of selling pigskin, all your life has been war, and your peace is terrible, including the so-called peace you intervened in China and Japan, and you sacrificed China.Your nickname "Grant the Butcher" (Grant the Butcher), Have a butcher's at (take a look) "the so-called Sino-Japanese peace", you have harmed us China.

Grant: I was the president who had stepped down. God Li: You didn’t see how fair you are to China on stage. Don’t forget that on July 13, 1869, anti-Chinese riots occurred in San Francisco; on October 24, 1871, race riots occurred in Los Angeles, 15 Chinese You were killed before you stepped down. Grant: In retrospect, perhaps I should have admitted that I had been duped by the Japanese.Japanese imperialism is disgusting. God Lee: You Americans hate it too.When you were president, didn't you always think about annexing Santo Domingo? Grant: Isn't it the Dominican Republic now? God Lee: It was also at that time, 5 years before you became president, but you have always had bad thoughts about your American neighbors.

Grant: I didn't make it. God Lee: But you, the United States, succeeded. You took away the Dominican tariffs for 36 years.How enjoyable, as long as they have tariffs and don't make a mess, why bother to merge this damn place.Although your successor still has people who can't help it, like Wilson sent troops to occupy it for 8 years, the result is still a mess.It seems that American imperialism like you, Grant, is too outdated. The new American imperialism is not plundering territory, but plundering resources;You are poor and I am rich. This is the new style of American imperialism.

Grant: I'm an old man, I really don't know what's new and what's old, but I fought the American Civil War, and I can figure out what is not peace and what is war.War is too cruel. God Lee: The cruelty of the American Civil War can be described with many adjectives. In December 1864, in your scorched south, General Sheridan led his cavalry through without leaving a blade of grass. "(A crowd flying over it would have to carry his own rations).This is one of the most wonderful lines in poor American literature.Five months before Sheridan said this, on June 30, 1864, General Sherman wrote home to his brother saying: "I have begun to think that a thousand or two thousand dead is a small matter, like a morning jog. No wonder our hearts have become so hardened." (I begin to regard the death and mangling of a couple thousand men as a small affair, a kind of morning dash-and it may be well that we become so hardened.) Finally , 520,000 people were killed, a total of about 600,000.The U.S. population was 31 million, 1 in 50 died, and you fought a war that could have been avoided.After this lesson, you Americans will no longer fight at home, and your evil and foolish deeds will be used overseas.

Grant: I'm glad I didn't live until then, I'm American and I remember singing the Yankee Doodle. God Lee: General Lee should be the same, he should remember your sentence "only Yankees, others are not Yankees"? Grant: (Laughs) God, Lee has such a good memory. My sentence is: I know only two tunes; one of them is “Yankee Doodle” and the other isn't. God Lee: Did 'Yankee Doodle' Really Cover Everything?Before General Lee surrendered to you, he met your Lieutenant Colonel Ely S. Parker. He exclaimed that he saw a real American. What did Lieutenant Colonel Ely S. Parker retaliate to him?The lieutenant colonel said we were all Americans.In fact, Eileen Parker is obviously a bit self-proclaimed. He is a Seneca Indian. In the eyes of you white people, are Indians still Americans?

Grant: On the day General Lee surrendered, the lieutenant colonel was sitting behind me while the other generals were standing. God Lee: You're a good general, but so what, A great soldier might be a baby politician (Hehwuf might be a baby politician). Grant: I am thankful that I died at 63 and that I am no longer involved in the wars of posterity. God Lee: Remember HP Spofford writing your poems? How history repeats itself You'll say when you remember Grant. History Repeats Itself Day, General Chang Yige. If you live into the 20th or 21st century, your battles will be fought.However, if you fight again, it won’t be your turn to be a soldier like you. You can’t keep up with the times. Your life, the final conclusion, is the most worth mentioning. It’s just that you made military contributions to the unification of the motherland, and everything else is too small.

Grant: (laughs) So I'm going to write a successful memoir and make the small a little bigger. God Lee: You just finished writing this memoir 4 days before you died. Grant: Yeah, I didn't see it published in my lifetime. God Lee: Mark Twain paid you 500,000 royalties, and you messed up your family's property with random investments. This money saved you. Grant: (laughs) That's incredible, and I have to thank Mark Twain. God Lee: What do you think of Mark Twain? Grant: Mark Twain is a great American writer. God Lee: Nothing else? Grant: Anything else? God Lee: I think he is a great American statesman.

Grant: Great politician? God Lee: From the point of view of irony, Mark Twain deserves to be your great American statesman. He is full of tricks, and his political philosophy has laid the foundation for your United States for thousands of years.It's not like you, a big boss who plays politics roughly and leaves a bad name in China-Japan relations. Grant: His political philosophy?Mark Twain never told me. God Lee: He's already written in his book.It was The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.Tom Sawyer is lazy and naughty, and his aunt catches him to paint the walls.Painting walls is hard work, but Tom turns it into a lucrative plan. He tricks his children into saying that painting is an honor, a fun, a show, and a rare opportunity, and the whole village is drawn into it. The children flocked to it, and Tom, on the contrary, made a condition that the children should pay a price to be allowed to use the brush.As a result, Tom stretched his legs in the shade, gnawed on the apple, and received his presents.From fake mice to one-eyed cats, from a dog leash to six firecrackers, everything is available, and the whole village of children will be bankrupt.Mark Twain's most brilliant conclusion is (brings out a copy of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer):

Tom said to himself that it was not such a hollow world, after all. He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it-namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain. If he had been a great and wise philosopher, like the writer of this book, he would now have comprehensive that Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do and that Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do... (Tom said to himself: "The world is not built." He stumbled upon a great principle of human behavior, which no one knew about, namely: Let a man or a child pursue The only good thing about something is to make it hard to get. If he is a great and wise philosopher-as the author of this book, he must know that work is what everyone has to do, and play is what everyone has to do. You can not do it...)

This is your American political philosophy, let's call it "Tom's Principle".After using this principle handy, American friends all over the world, just like Tom's children, were all deceived by the smiling faces of Americans. Grant: (confused) I'm rude, my reaction is not good enough, please elaborate a bit more. God Lee: Okay. "Tom's principle" is: it is obviously based on my interests, but I make it based on your interests, so that you are happy to pay for my interests, serve me, and even thank me. Grant: When used in politics, can God Lee give an example? God Lee: Take the Taiwan Island that you robbed from China more than 100 years ago when you helped Japan invade as an example.You probably did not expect that 50 years after Japan took Taiwan, China took it back.But four years later, the Chiang Kai-shek government of China was brought to Taiwan by the Chinese Communist Party, and it became a puppet government and regime supported by the United States in Taiwan. Thirty years later, the United States recognized the Communist Party of China's People's Republic of China. , the U.S. government no longer recognizes Taiwan’s puppet government and puppet regime, but the U.S. Congress came forward to come up with a "Taiwan Relations Act" (Taiwan Relations Act), which stated in Article 2, Item B, Subparagraph 5: SECTION. 2. b .It is the policy of the United States...5.to provide Taiwan with arms of a defensive character. Grant: That sounds really weird. God Lee: The weirder ones are yet to come. The "Taiwan Relations Act" is a domestic law of the United States, and the main purpose of the legislation is clearly based on "the political, security, and economic interests of the United States." Looking closely at the original text of the "Taiwan Relations Act", Article 2, Subparagraph B, and Subsection 5 clearly stipulates that the United States " Provide (provide) Taiwan with defensive weapons", the so-called "supply" is not arms sales or purchases, it can be interpreted as "gift", "please accept", or "I don't want it, put it in Your home", interpreted as "in order to protect our 'American political, security and economic interests', please accept it and use it more".This is the true meaning and correct interpretation of the word provide in English. Provide has never been said to be a sale, and there is no rigid meaning of sale. Why must the United States rigidly interpret it as an arms sale, while Taiwan must rigidly succumb to it as an arms purchase?As far as the United States is concerned, isn't this bullying?As far as Taiwan is concerned, isn't this a cheap bone? Grant: Did Taiwan buy it? God Li: Taiwan not only buys again and again, but also thanks the United States again and again. Grant: Is there such a strange thing? God Lee: There is such a strange thing. Grant: Since it is based on the "political, security and economic interests" of the United States, why doesn't Taiwan refuse to buy it? God Lee: That's the question, the same question, to Tom's kids, why didn't you refuse to paint that wall? Grant: (laughing) I understood right away, ah, as expected of God Lee, a hint made me suddenly realize everything. God Lee: This is the "Tom Principle" in American political philosophy. Obviously, I protect you and I serve you, but I have to pay the price. The price is not a dummy mouse or a one-eyed cat, a dog chain or six firecrackers , at the expense of the world's largest defense budget in proportion.In the 1950s, Taiwan's military expenditure accounted for more than 70% of the total budget. Until 2003, the military budget of US$7.5 billion still accounted for 16.3% of the total budget.According to the per capita military expenditure, it is the first in the world.The United States is so happy. It raises a dog in the first island chain in the Far East, but the lackey pays for the bones, and buys them from the master at a high price. How happy is the United States to have such a good lackey!How happy is Tom Sawyer! Grant: (angry) Why is Taiwan so cheap?Aren't the people on the island of Taiwan Chinese? God Li: They are Chinese, but with very few exceptions, they are beautiful Chinese.This charming personality was educated and instilled all the way from Chiang Kai-shek’s puppet regime and the puppet government. The opposition parties, and even the majority of Taiwan people other than a very small number, these mixed people are all believers in Chiang Kai-shek's idea of ​​beautification. Even if some of them oppose Chiang Kai-shek, they actually fall into Chiang Kai-shek's idea of ​​beautification without knowing it. How funny! !They serve as watchdogs for others and bring their own bones. These lowly Taiwanese, these lowly Taiwanese, lowly Taiwanese, how bastards they are!They didn't even read the original English text of the "Taiwan Relations Act", thinking that the United States would protect Taiwan. In fact, there is no sentence in the full text of the "Taiwan Relations Act" to protect Taiwan. It only provides defensive weapons to Taiwan, and it does not say that the weapons are For sale, these bastard Taiwanese, they are such a disgrace to the Chinese.However, we can’t blame them all. The first reason is to blame Chiang Kai-shek, and the second is to blame—— Grant: (curious) Weird? —— God Lee: The second is to blame your American propaganda skills, that is, the clever deception skills, that is, the Tom Sawyer skills.Tom Sawyer's style is likable and eloquent.The same is true for Americans in the world. Americans are not as obnoxious as Japanese men in terms of appearance, American life is attractive to ordinary people, and American media is pervasive and pervasive. The so-called "soft power", so it turns black and white, Not only can black cats and white cats be confused, black dogs and white dogs will bite their own bones and wag their tails. To the whole world, the Chinese are only one of the victims, but the Chinese in Taiwan are the world's victim champions. Grant: It seems that the Chinese in my friend Li Hongzhang's time had much more backbone. God Li: Who said no, although you are sorry for your friend, you betrayed Li Hongzhang in ceding Taiwan. Grant: God Lee, even without me, Japan wants Taiwan by name. God Lee: Can't you have a little morality? Grant: I am the outgoing president, how much can I do? God Lee: Go ask your 39th President Carter. After he stepped down, he did a lot of gestures of repentance. He even went to Cuba. When he was on stage, he blocked Cuba all the way. (All turn to Carter, who blushes.) Grant: (embarrassed) Thank God Lee for the advice, but I don't see any causal relationship between President Carter and me. God Lee: Is there no causality?That's great. After General Lee surrendered to you in 1865, you promised not to blame the past, but you didn't fully fulfill it. You never imagined that General Lee's full citizenship was restored by President Carter, and it was a century later.You would never have guessed that Carter wiped your ass after losing his own face. (Laughter.) Grant: (shakes head) Oh my God! God Li: Don't cry to the sky, the sky will be ruined by you and the United States.Retire from the court (beat the mallet and stand up). (The curtain falls.)