Chapter 17 Chapter 16 A Free Heart

For Aaron, the rooftop of Lord Milne's library was a place of magic.On a clear day, the world spread out beneath his feet, a world unencumbered by walls and sigils, stretching out endlessly.This is also where Aaron first gazed at Mary with his heart and actually saw her. Work on the library was nearing completion, and he would be back in Karber's sigil shop shortly.He watched the sun play on the snow-covered mountains, and then went deep into the valley below, trying to describe this beautiful scene in the painting.When he looked back at Mary, he also wanted to engrave her in his heart forever.She is fifteen years old, far more beautiful than mountains and snow.

Mary had been his best friend for more than a year, but Aaron had never had anything wrong with her.At this moment, the sun was shining on her body, the cool mountain breeze was blowing her long hair, and he folded his arms around his protruding chest to resist the cold. He suddenly realized that she was a woman and he was a young man.He felt his heart beat faster as the breeze lifted the hem of her skirt, revealing the lace of her petticoat. He watched her Pingting approach without saying a word, and when she saw the look in his eyes, she immediately smiled. "It's about time, too," she said.

He reached out tentatively, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand.She approached, and he was intoxicated by her sweet breath, and leaned forward to kiss her lightly.The kiss was soft and shy at first, but it became wild when it struck a chord, as if the kiss had a life of its own, full of hunger and passion, something that had been gestating inside him unconsciously for years. After an unknown amount of time, the four lips parted with a soft "boo".The two then smiled shyly.They embraced each other, looked at Milne, and shared their thoughts in the light of childish love. "You're always looking at the valley," said Mary, running her fingers through his hair and kissing him on the side of the head. "Tell me what kind of beauty you see in your heart when your eyes wander into the distance?"

Aaron was silent for a moment and said, "I dream of liberating the world from the fear of the monsters in the center of the earth." This unexpected answer completely exceeded her expectations, and she couldn't help laughing out loud after hearing it.She meant no harm, but her laughter throbbed in his heart like a whip. "You see yourself as a liberator?" she asked. "What are you going to do?" Aaron stepped back slightly, feeling suddenly vulnerable. "I don't know," he admitted. "Start by serving as a messenger. I have saved enough money to buy armor and horses."

Mary shook her head. "Not if we're going to get married." "Are we getting married?" Aaron asked in surprise, not expecting to be so nervous. "Why, am I not good enough for you?" Mary asked angrily and pushed him away. "No! I didn't say..." Aaron immediately defended. "Well, then," she said, "being a messenger may bring wealth and glory, but it's too dangerous, especially after we have children." "And now we're having another baby?" Aaron screamed. Mary looked at him as if he was an idiot. "No, that won't work," she went on, ignoring him completely, thinking to herself, "You have to be a Rubik, like Karber. You still have a chance to fight the demons, but you'll be safe." The earth is with me, instead of riding through the barren mountains where the monsters in the center of the earth are infested."

"I don't want to be a magic sealer." Aaron said, "Drawing magic seals is just a means, and cannot achieve the goal." "What target?" Mary asked. "Dead by the side of the road?" "No," Aaron said, "that's not going to happen to me." "Is there anything you can do as a messenger that you can't do as a sigilist?" "Escape." Aaron said without thinking. Mary fell silent.She turned to avoid his gaze, and after a moment, let go of his arm.She sat there in silence, and Aaron found that her sad look made her look more beautiful.

"Run from what?" she asked finally. "Me?" Aaron looked at her, lost in the love he was just beginning to understand, speechless for a moment.Is it really that bad to stay?How many chances in this life will I meet a girl like Mary again? But is that enough?It never occurred to him to have a family, a burden he didn't need.If he wanted to get married and have kids, he might as well have stayed in Tibe Creek and lived with Rina; he thought Mary was different... Aaron had images of supporting him along the way for the past three years, watching himself on the road, exploring the world without restraint.As always, the thought stirred him until he turned to look at Mary again.His vision was gone, and all he could think about was kissing her.

"Not you." He said and took her hands. "I wouldn't want to leave you." Their lips met again, and at this moment, he didn't have any other thoughts in his mind. "I'm going to Halden Park," said Regan, a small village a day's journey from Milnburg. "Would you like to come with me, Aaron?" "Regan, no!" Eliza yelled. Aaron glanced at her, but Regan grabbed his arm before he could speak. "Aaron, can my wife and I be alone for a moment?" he asked softly.Aaron wiped his mouth and left the table. Regan closed the door behind him, but Aaron refused to let anyone else decide his fate, so he walked through the kitchen and eavesdropped in the servants' hallway.The cook looked at him, but Aaron glared back, and he went about his business.

"He's so young!" said Eliza. "Eliza, he's always too young for you," Regan said. "Aaron is sixteen and capable of a day's travel." "You're egging him on!" "You know very well that Aaron doesn't need my egging," Regan said. "Then you're giving him a chance," cried Eliza. "He's safer at home!" "He's safe with me, too," Regan said. "Wouldn't it be nice to start the first few trips with someone to guide you?" "I'd rather he didn't start any journey at all," Eliza said displeased. "If you care about him, you should think the same."

"Night, Eliza, we shall meet no demons. We will arrive at Halden Gardens before dusk, and return after dawn. Many ordinary people travel between the two places every day." "I don't care," said Eliza, "I don't want him to go." "It's not up to you," Regan reminded her. "I won't!" Eliza yelled. "You can't deny it!" Regan yelled back.Aaron had never seen him speak so loudly to her. "Just wait and see," Eliza raged, "I'll drug your horse! I'll cut off all the spears! I'll throw your armor down the well and let it rot!"

"Take as many tools as you want," Regan said through gritted teeth, "Aaron and we must go to Halden Park tomorrow, and we will walk if necessary." "Then I will leave you." Elisa said coldly. "what?" "You heard me," she said. "Take Aaron out of town, and you won't see me when you come back." "You can't be serious," Regan said. "I've never been so serious in my life," Eliza said. "Take him and I'll go." Regan was silent for a moment. "Listen, Lisa," he finally said, "I know you're bitter about not being pregnant..." "I won't let you bring that into that!" cried Eliza. "Aaron is not your son!" Regan also yelled, "No matter how much you love him, it is impossible to make him your son! He is our guest, not our child!" "Of course he isn't!" Eliza exclaimed. "You deliver letters every time I ovulate. How could he be our baby?" "You knew what I was when you married me," Regan reminded. "I know," Eliza replied, "and I know now that I should have listened to my mother." "What do you mean by that?" Regan demanded loudly. "It means I can't take it anymore," said Eliza, and began to cry, "waiting and waiting, not knowing if you'd ever come home; and every time you came home you'd have scars that you said were no big deal ; expecting a few sex sessions to get me pregnant before I'm old; and now, you're taking Aaron out!" "I knew what you were when I got married," she cried, "and I thought I'd be able to live with it. But now... Regan, I just can't lose you both. I can't!" A pair of hands suddenly placed on Aaron's shoulders, startling him.Margaret stood behind with a serious expression. "You shouldn't be eavesdropping on them," she said, and Aaron was ashamed of eavesdropping.As he was about to leave, he heard the messenger's words. "Okay," Regan said, "I'm going to tell Aaron he can't go with me, and I'm never going to push him again." "Really?" Eliza choked out. "I promise," Regan said. "When I come back from Halden Park," he added, "I'll take a few months off and fertilize you well, and I'll make sure something grows inside you." "Oh, Regan!" Eliza laughed through her tears, and Aaron heard her throw herself into his arms. "You're right," Aaron said to Margaret, "I have no right to overhear this." He suppressed his anger. "But they don't have the authority to discuss these things in the first place." He went back to his room upstairs and started packing.He would rather sleep on a hard straw mattress in Kappa's than sacrifice the right to determine his own destiny for a comfortable soft bed. For the next few months, Aaron avoided Regan and Eliza.They would often pass by Kappa's shop to visit him, but they had never been able to see him.They sent servants to warn first, but the result was the same. Unwilling to use Regan's stables, Aaron bought a horse of his own and practiced riding in the fields outside the city.Mary and Jack often accompany him, and the friendship between the three grows day by day.Mary didn't like to watch him practice riding, but they were both young, and the mere pleasure of galloping across the fields made her feel uneasy. Aaron began working independently in Kappa's store, taking new clients and traveling outside without supervision.He began to make a name for himself in the circle of sigilists, and Karber's business flourished.He hired servants, recruited more apprentices, and handed them over to Aaron for training. Most evenings, Aaron and Mary take a walk together, admiring the colors of the sky.Their kiss grew horny and both wanted to push it further, but Marie kept pushing him away in a pinch. "You'll be a teacher in another year," she always said. "If you want, we can get married the next day, and then you can have sex with me every night." One morning, when Kappa was out of the shop, Eliza came to visit.Aaron was too busy talking to customers and had no time to hide when he spotted her. "Hello, Aaron," she said after the customer left. "Hello, Lady Eliza," he replied. "There's no need to be so formal," Eliza said. "I think not being so formal will confuse our relationship," Aaron replied. "I don't want to make the same mistake again." "I've apologized over and over again, Aaron," Eliza said. "What will it take for you to forgive me?" "I sincerely apologize." Aaron replied, and the two apprentices behind the workbench looked at each other and turned to leave at the same time. Eliza ignored them. "I am serious." "You're not," Aaron replied, picking up a few books from the counter and putting them back in their place. "You're guilty of overhearing your conversation and throwing a fit, and you're guilty of my leaving your house, and the only thing you didn't Feeling sorry for what you did to force Regan to refuse to take me on the trip." "That was a dangerous journey," Eliza said cautiously. Aaron put the book down hard and met Eliza's gaze for the first time. "In the past six months, I have traveled back and forth between the two places more than a dozen times." "Aaron!" Eliza gasped. "I've also been to the Duke's Mine," continued Aaron, "and the South Quarry. I've been to every place within a day of Miln. I've built my reputation. The guild just keeps evaluating me and taking me wherever I want to go. Nothing you do makes sense. I'm not stuck here, Elisa. Not with you, nor with anyone." "I never intended to trap you, Aaron, I just wanted to protect you." Eliza said softly. "You have no right to control me." Aaron said and continued the work at hand. "Probably not," Eliza sighed, "but I only do it because I care, because I love you." Aaron stopped, but refused to turn to look at her. "Is it really that bad, Aaron?" Eliza asked. "Karber's old enough to think of you as his son. To take over his business and marry that beautiful girl I've seen, really. Is it that bad?" Aaron shook his head. "I will not be a Rubik, ever." "When you retire like Kappa?" "I'm not going to live to retirement age," Aaron said. "Aaron! How can you say such a thing!" "Why not?" asked Aaron. "It's true that any messenger who works continuously is unlikely to die." "Why do you do this job when you know how dangerous it is?" Eliza asked. "Because I'd rather live a few years free than spend decades in prison." "Milne is no prison, Aaron," said Eliza. "It is," insisted Aaron, "we convinced ourselves that Miln was the whole world, but it wasn't; we told ourselves there wasn't anything out there that wasn't in the city, but there was. Why do you think Regan keeps delivering letters ? He has wealth that he can't spend in his lifetime." "Regan is serving the Duke. That's his job, because no one else can take his place." Aaron scoffed. "There are other messengers in town, Eliza, and the Duke is nothing more than a worm in Regan's eyes. He's not doing it for loyalty and glory, he's doing it because he knows the truth." "What truth?" "There are a lot of things out there that you don't have here," says Aaron. "I'm pregnant, Aaron," Eliza said. "Do you think Regan could have impregnated his wife somewhere else?" Aaron paused for a moment. "Congratulations," he said finally, "I know how much you want to get pregnant." "Is that all you have to say?" "I think you'd like Regan to retire. A father can't venture out, can he?" "There are other ways to fight the devil, Aaron. Every birth is a victory for us." "You sound exactly like my father," Aaron said. Eliza's eyes widened.Since she knew him, she had never heard him mention her parents. "He sounds like a wise man," she said softly. As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Eliza knew she had said the wrong thing.Aaron looked stern like she had never seen it before, something frightening. "He's not smart at all!" Aaron yelled, throwing a cup with a brush on the floor.The cup shattered into pieces, splashing black paint on the ground. "He's a coward! He let my mother die! He let her die..." His facial features twisted in pain, his body shook, and he clenched his fists tightly.Eliza ran up to him, not knowing what to do or say, except that she wanted to hug him. "He let her die because he was afraid of the night," Aaron whispered.He tried to resist as she approached with her arms around her, but she held him tightly in her arms, crying. She hugged him for a while, stroking his hair gently.Finally, she said softly, "Go home, Aaron." For the last year of his apprenticeship, Aaron lived with Regan and Eliza, but their relationship had changed.Now he was his own man, and even Eliza no longer resisted the fact.To his amazement, letting go of the resistance brought the two of them closer together.As her belly grew, Aaron became more and more loving, and he and Regan staggered their travel schedules so they wouldn't leave her at home alone. Aaron also spent a lot of time with Eliza's herbalist midwife.Regan said that the messenger must dabble in the herbalist's knowledge, so Aaron helped the herbalist find the plants and roots that grew outside the city walls, while she taught him the skills of herbs. All those days Regan stayed near Miln, and when his daughter Maya was born he put the spear away.He and Karber drank and celebrated all night. Aaron sat with them, but he stared at his glass, lost in his own thoughts. "We should make a plan," Mary said one evening as she walked with Aaron to his father's house. "Plan?" Aaron asked. "Wedding plans, silly goose." Mary laughed. "My father will never let me marry an apprentice, but after you become a magic sealer, he won't say much." "Messenger," Aaron corrected her. Mary looked at him for a long time. "It's time you stopped traveling, Aaron," she said. "You're going to be a father soon." "What does travel have to do with this?" Aaron asked. "A lot of the messengers have kids." "I won't marry the messenger." Mary said coldly, "You know, you always knew." "Like you always knew I was meant to be the messenger," Aaron replied, "but you're still with me." "I thought you'd change," said Mary. "I thought you loved me! I thought you'd forget this crazy delusion that you risked yourself to be free." "Of course I love you," Aaron said. "But I didn't love it enough to give up being a messenger," she said.Aaron was silent. "If you love me, how can you do such a thing?" Mary asked. "Regan loves Eliza dearly," Aaron says, "and it's possible to have both." "Eliza hated Regan's profession," retorted Mary. "You said so yourself." "And they've been married fifteen years," Aaron said. "You want me to live that kind of life?" Mary asked. "Stay alone in an empty room, sleepless at night, and don't know when you'll be home? Did something happen to you, or did you elope with other women?" "That's not going to happen," Aaron said. "You're absolutely right," Mary finished, tears rolling down her cheeks, "I won't let this happen, we're done." "Mary, please," Aaron said, holding out his hands to her.But she took a step back and wouldn't let him touch it. "We have nothing to say." She turned and ran towards her father's residence. Aaron froze in place, staring at the direction she left for a long time.The shadows lengthened and the sun gradually sank below the horizon, but he stayed where he was, not leaving even at the last evening bell.He turned around slowly, rubbing the soles of his shoes desperately on the slate floor, hoping that the earth core monster would come through the slate and free himself from this lingering pain. "Aaron! Creator, what are you doing here?" Eliza cried out in surprise, trotting up to him as he entered the house. It's at Karber's!" "I just need a little time to think," Aaron murmured. "Outside the dark house?" Aaron shrugged. "The whole city is protected by magic seals, and there won't be any earth core monsters nearby." Elisa opened her mouth to speak, but after seeing his eyes, she swallowed the words of reprimand. "Aaron, what's the matter with you?" she asked softly. "I told Mary what I said to you," Aaron smiled numbly, "and she reacted strongly." "I remember my reaction was really strong," Eliza said. "Then you'll know what I'm talking about." Aaron said, turning and going upstairs.He went back to his room, opened the window, breathed in the cool night air, and gazed out into the darkness. The next morning, he was going to find the guildmaster Malkan. That morning, before dawn, Maya had begun to cry, but her crying would not upset her, it would only comfort Elisa—she had heard stories of children dying at night, and this shadow It lingers in her mind, so that every night when she goes to bed, someone has to snatch her daughter from her before she is willing to let go, and she sleeps very restlessly. Eliza rolled out of bed, put on her slippers, and held one breast to feed the baby.Maya would suck so hard that her nipples ached, but she relished the pain because it meant her baby was alive and well. "That's it, my sun," she said with infinite love and affection, "drink well and grow up quickly." She walked around while nursing and began to worry about being separated from her one day.Regan snored peacefully in his sleep.It's just been a few weeks since being retired, he's already sleeping much better and having fewer nightmares, and with her and Maya keeping him busy during the day, maybe he won't be tempted by the roads out of town again up. Maya finally had enough to drink, hiccupped contentedly, and fell asleep in her arms.Eliza leaned over and kissed her little cheek, put her back in the cradle gently, and walked towards the door.Margaret was waiting for her outside the door, as usual. "Good morning, Mother Eliza," said the woman.The title and the sincere tone of the other party filled Elisa with joy.Although Margaret is her servant, she has not had an equal status with Margaret in the concept of Miln until now. "I heard the baby crying," said Margaret. "It was loud." "I'm going out," Eliza said. "Get me the bathwater, and the blue dress and mink cape, please." The woman nodded, and Eliza went back to the child.After bathing and changing, she reluctantly handed over the child to Margaret and went out before her husband got up.Regan would have scolded her if she knew she was meddling, but Eliza knew Aaron was on the brink and she would never let him fall for not taking action.She looked around, afraid that Aaron would see her entering the library.She didn't see Mary near any of the cubicles or bookcases, but she wasn't surprised.Aaron rarely mentioned his past personal affairs, and he rarely mentioned Mary.But as long as there is a mention, Eliza will listen attentively.She knew it meant something special to both of them, and she knew that the girl must be out there somewhere. Eliza finds Mary on the library roof, crying. "Mother Eliza!" Mary said in amazement, and hurriedly wiped away the tears on her face, "You startled me!" "I'm sorry, honey," Eliza said, walking to her side. "If you want me to leave, I will, but I think you might need to talk to someone." "Did Aaron ask you to come?" Mary asked. "No," replied Eliza, "but I saw him very sad, and I know you must be very sad too." "He's upset?" Mary asked, sobbing. "He wandered the dark streets for hours," Eliza said. "It worried me to death." Mary shook her head. "He must want to die." She murmured. "I think it's the opposite," Eliza said. "I think he's longing to be alive." Mary looked at her curiously, and she sat down beside the girl. "For many years," Eliza said, "I couldn't understand why my husband felt compelled to leave our home, face the monsters, and risk his life for a few packages and mail. Because he made enough money for us to live comfortably." I've lived comfortably for two lifetimes, why continue?" "People might use words like duty, honor, and self-sacrifice to describe a messenger, and they believe that's why a messenger is a messenger." "Isn't it?" Mary asked. "I thought it was," Eliza said, "but now I see it more clearly. There are moments in life when we experience a strong sense of being 'alive', and when those moments are over, we feel... regret .At times like this, we're desperate to get that feeling back." "Never regretted it," said Mary. "Neither did I," Eliza replied, "until after I became pregnant. Suddenly, I had to take responsibility for the life inside me. Everything I ate, everything I did affected her. Just Like many women my age, I waited too long for fear that I would lose this baby." "You're not very old," argued Mary.Eliza just smiled. "I can feel the beating of Maya's life inside me," Eliza continued. "My life is one with her. I've never felt this way before, and now that the baby is born, I'm afraid I'll never be able to." It’s that feeling again. I’m bonded to Maya all the time, but the intimacy just isn’t what it was before.” "What does all this have to do with Aaron?" Mary asked. "I'm just telling you what I think it's like when the Messenger travels," Eliza said. "For Regan, I think taking the risk made him appreciate life more, and it sparked something in him that never let go. His death instinct." "With Aaron, it's different. The goblins have taken things from him, Mary, and he thinks it's his fault. Deep down, I think, he even hates himself. He hates him. Inner demons, because they make him feel that way, and only by fighting them can he find inner peace." "How did you do it, Mother?" Mary asked. "How did you bear to be married to the Messenger all these years?" Eliza sighed. "Because Regan is kind-hearted and strong at the same time, and I know how rare such a man is. Because I never doubted his love for me, never doubted that he would come home. Most importantly, the short time with him Better than all time apart." She put her hands on Mary's shoulders and held her tightly. "Give him some reason to come home, Mary. I think Aaron will learn that his life has some value after all." "I don't at all want him to go away," whispered Mary. "I know," Eliza agreed. "Me too. But I don't think I'll love him any less, even if he travels a lot." Mary sighed. "me too." Aaron was outside waiting for Jack when he left the mill that morning.He leads his horse.A black-maned sorrel horse named Dawn Runner, with his harness. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "Going to Halden Park?" "It's not just Halden Park," Aaron said. "The Guild commissioned me to go to Renekton." "Rekton?" Jack gasped, "It will take several weeks to get there." "You can come with me," Aaron suggested. "What?" Jack asked. "Be my bard," Aaron said. "Aaron, I'm not ready..." Jack began. "Karber said the best way to learn is to let it go." Aaron interrupted him, "Come with me, let's learn together! Are you going to spend your life in the mill?" Jack looked down at the flagstone floor. "There's nothing wrong with working in a mill," he said, shifting his feet and shifting his weight. Aaron stared at him for a moment, then nodded. "You take care of yourself, Jack," he said as he stepped onto the Dawn Runner. "When will you be back?" Jack asked. Aaron shrugged. "I don't know." He said and looked towards the city gate, "Maybe he will never come back." Later that morning, Eliza and Mary returned to the Regan mansion to wait for Aaron to come home. "Don't give up easily." Eliza said as she walked, "You don't want to give up all your power. Let him try his best to fight for you, otherwise he will never understand your value." "Do you think he'll fight for it?" Mary asked. "Oh," Eliza smiled, "I knew he would." "Did you see Aaron this morning?" Eliza asked Margaret when they got home. "Yes, mother," the woman replied, "a few hours ago. Played with Maya for a while and left with a bag." "Bag?" Eliza asked. Margaret shrugged. "Perhaps to Halden Gardens or something." Eliza nodded, not surprised that Aaron chose to leave town for a day or two. "He won't be back until the day after tomorrow at least." She said to Mary, "Come up and see the child before you leave." They go upstairs.Eliza made teasing sounds as she approached Maya's cradle, eager to hug her daughter, but stopped immediately when she saw a folded piece of letterhead under her daughter's body. With trembling hands, Elisa picked up the letter of belief and said: Dear Elisa and Regan: I have accepted a commission from the Courier Guild to travel to Renekton.When you read this letter, I'm already on my way.I'm sorry that I can't meet everyone's expectations. Thank you for everything you have done for me, I will never forget you. "No!" cried Mary.She turned and rushed out of the room, leaving Regan's house quickly. "Regan!" Eliza called. "Regan!" Her husband hurried to her, and after reading the letter, he shook his head sadly and murmured, "Always avoiding my own problems." "How is it?" Eliza asked. "How about what?" Regan asked. "Find him!" cried Eliza, "bring him back!" Regan looked at his wife seriously, and the two argued in silence.Eliza knew from the start that she couldn't compete with him, and she soon bowed her head. "Too soon," she whispered, "why wouldn't he wait another day?" Regan put his arms around her as she started to cry. "Aaron!" Mary called as she ran.All the pretended calmness disappeared without a trace, and all the pretending to be tough made Aaron forget all his thoughts about fighting for himself.All she wanted to do now was find him and tell him how much she loved him; no matter what he chose to do, she would never stop loving him. She reached the gate at record speed, almost exhausted, but it was too late.The guard said he had been away for several hours. Mary knew in her heart that he would never come back.If she wanted to be with him, she had to go to him.She can ride a horse, she can borrow a horse from Regan, and then ride after him.He would surely be lodging at Halden Park the first night, and she could still be there in time if he drove fast. She rushed back to Regan's house, the fear of losing him giving her the strength to carry on. "He's gone!" she cried. "I want to borrow a horse!" Regan shook his head and said, "It's already past noon. You can't make it in time, you will be torn to pieces by the earth core monster halfway." "I don't care!" Mary cried, "I've got to go!" She rushed to the horse hall, but Regan stopped her.She cried out and hit him, but he wouldn't budge, no matter what she did, he couldn't break free. Suddenly, Mary understood why Aaron called Milne a prison, and at the same time understood what it was like to be mutilated. It was already late when Karber saw the letter in the account book at the counter.In the letter, Aaron apologized for leaving before the seven-year deadline.He wished Kappa could understand. "O Creator, Aaron," he said, "of course I understand." Then he couldn't hold back his tears.