Chapter 121 Section 24

In the predawn darkness, 20 miles deep in the desert west of Santa Fe, Decker dropped the camouflage suit and gloves into a pile in the pit.He looked at Beth.She was wearing a sweater he had given her, and she was looking at him with her hands folded against the front passenger door of the Cherokee.He walked back to get those jugs filled with plant fertilizers and fuel oil, poured the contents on the clothes, and the choking smell rushed straight into his nostrils.He threw down the arrow that Esperanza had used to kill the man in the woods, and he threw in the 22, the 30-30, and the shotgun, leaving only the 270 because the The gun was never used.Decker used the claw of a hammer to poke holes in the kettle so that no smoke would remain in it and cause another explosion.Since fuel oil burns slowly, he poured some gasoline over the pile.Then he struck a match, lit a whole box of matches, and threw them all on the pile.Gasoline and fuel oil blazed up, engulfing the clothes and weapons, and pillars of flame and smoke rose into the brightening sky.

Decker walked up to Beth and put his arms around her, watching the flames. "What's that Greek story about? The one where a bird comes out of the ashes?" asked Beth. "The phoenix?" "It's about regeneration," Decker said. "That's what Renata's name means in English, doesn't it? Rebirth?" "I thought so too." "But not really?" Beth asked. "Rebirth?" "If we want it to be, it is." Behind them, the sun climbed the Blood of Christ mountain range. "How did you bear it?" Beth asked. "Last night. What we had to do."

"That's what I tried to explain earlier, that in order to survive, I've learned to hold back any unrealistic feelings." "I can't." Beth shuddered. "When I killed my husband...although he deserved it...I vomited for three days after that." "You did what you had to do. We did what we had to do. Even now, I feel bad, I can't get used to what's in front of me, that we're here with my arms around you -" "We're still alive," said Beth. "right." "You probably wonder how I learned how to shoot a gun."

"You don't have to tell me a single thing about your past," Decker said. "But I wanted to tell you. I gotta tell you. Joey made me learn it," Beth said. "He had guns all over the house, and he had a shooting range in his basement. He used to make me go down and see him. shooting." The flames and smoke shot higher. "Joy knows how much I hate this. Even with my earmuffs on, every gunshot makes me cringe. That makes him laugh out loud. Then he decides that having me shoot is the real thing to rave about. Sometimes I think the reason he taught me how to shoot a gun was because he liked to keep the loaded guns around me and laugh at me and ask me if I'd take one and shoot him. He liked the thrill. He took great pains to make me understand what he would put me through if I was stupid enough to try the job. Then he made me learn to use a shotgun. Then The gunshot was louder and the recoil was more painful. That's the kind of gun I killed him with," Beth said. "Shotgun."

"do not talk." "Double tube, the same one I used tonight." "Stop it." Decker kissed a teardrop that was streaming down her face. "From now on, the past does not exist." "Does that mean your past doesn't exist anymore?" "What do you want to say?" "Have you lost the openness you found here? Have you really recovered? Are you sealing yourself off again, feeling like you used to be closed off from everything else?" "Not from you," Decker said, "not from this." He pointed to the sun above the ridge, to the yellowing aspens in the ski basin, to the lush greenery of the hills. The dwarf pine pointed to the plateau desert shining red and orange, and the deep yellow Californian evergreen shrubs in the desert. "But there are some things in my life that really make me feel alienated. These are things I don't want you to know, and I don't want to remember."

"Trust me, I feel the same way." "I'll never ask you those things again," Decker said. "If you don't want to tell me, you never have to. I can only imagine the horror and panic you went through. You came to Santa Fe, Trying to stay out of the mob knowing I'm capable of helping you. You see me as a savior and try to get hold of me. Is that using me? If so, I'm glad you did - because otherwise I'd be forever Will not meet you. Even if I know you are using me, I will be willing to let you use me." Decker reached into the back of the car and pulled out the travel bag that contained the million dollars. "For a while, after I got you out, I thought you stayed with me for this."

Decker took the bag and headed for the fire. Beth seemed taken aback. "What are you going to do?" "I told you I have a good use for this thing, and I'm going to use it to destroy the past." "You want to burn the money?" "Esperanza was right, if we spend this money, we'll always feel dirty." Decker held the bag over the fire. "A million dollars?" Beth asked. "Blood money. Do you really care if I burn it?" "Are you testing me?" The bottom of the bag began to smolder. "I wanted to get rid of the past completely," Decker said.

Beth hesitated.Flames danced along the bottom of the bag. "Last chance," Decker said. "Let it go," Beth said. "Are you sure?" "Throw it in the fire." Beth came towards him. "For us, the past ends now." She started kissing him.Neither of them looked at it when Decker let go of the bag and let it fall into the flames.They kept kissing.Decker felt out of breath.