Chapter 77 Section VII

The jetliner rumbled and shook as it headed east.Sunlight streaming in through the portholes stinged Decker's tired eyes.Decker's stomach ached as the stewardess walked down the aisle, offering coffee and donuts.It reminded him of the stomach ache he used to get when he was an agent.All this came back again, he said to himself. Esperanza sat next to him, the only other passenger in the row. "It's a pity I never met Beth Dwyer. She must be special." Decker stared out the window at the receding high desert landscape, mountains and ravines and the Rio Grande and patches of green dwarf pines on the yellow, orange and red fields.He couldn't help but recall the ambivalence he had felt when he first came here, when he worried that he might be doing something wrong.Now, more than a year later, as he was flying away from here, he felt that ambivalence again, wondering again if he was doing something wrong.

"Yes," Decker said, "very special." "You must love her very much." "It depends. Maybe—" Decker seemed to have trouble saying it. "—I hate her too." "hatred?" "She should have told me about her background," Decker said. "At first, she probably thought it was none of your business." "But then, after she and I developed that kind of relationship, she should have said it?" Decker insisted. "Maybe she's afraid to tell you, afraid you'll react the way you're reacting now."

"If she loves me, she should trust me." "Well," Esperanza said, "I'm starting to see that you're worried that maybe she doesn't love you at all." "I've always let work dictate my personal life," Decker said. "I've never loved, never really loved, until I met Beth Dwyer. I never allowed myself to experience— —” Decker hesitated. “Passion.” Esperanza frowned. "When I'm really committed, when I'm giving my all, I'm all in, nothing is held back. Beth has become the absolute center of my life. If she's just using me as a tool... . . . ” Decker's voice trailed off in desperation.

"What would you do if you found out that she has no feelings for you and you just acted as her bodyguard unintentionally?" Decker didn't answer. Esperanza pressed, "Are you still willing to save her?" "Recklessly?" "yes." "No matter how many doubts I have, no matter how much I worry about her betraying me, and no matter how angry I am because of this fear?" "That's right." "Even if it's hell, I'm going to find her. God help me, I still love her."