Chapter 21 Nine

I stood in front of her dejected, as if humiliated and ashamed, the expression was really disgusting, I forced a smile, and tried to wrap my tattered cotton pajamas tightly - just as I imagined when I was depressed not long ago The situation is exactly the same.Apollo stood beside us for about two minutes, and finally walked away, but I didn't feel relieved by it.Worst of all, she also suddenly became embarrassed, even more embarrassed than I expected.Needless to say, it was because of seeing me like that. "Please sit down." I said mechanically, moving her a chair by the table, and sitting on the couch myself.She immediately sat down obediently and looked at me with wide eyes, obviously waiting for me to say something.It was this innocent waiting that made me so angry, but I restrained myself.

It's a good time to try to pretend you don't see anything, like it's all normal, but she... and I have a vague feeling that she's going to pay a heavy price for it all. "You just happen to find me in this embarrassing situation, Lisa," I stammered, knowing that was the last thing to start. "No, no, don't you think otherwise!" I cried, as I saw her suddenly blush, "I'm not ashamed of my poverty... On the contrary, I'm proud of my poverty. I'm poor, But I am noble...one can be poor and noble." I murmured. "But...would you like some tea?"

"No..." she was about to speak. "Please wait!" I stood up hastily and ran to find Apollo.You have to find a place to hide first. "Apollo," I whispered in a fever-like haste, flinging at him the seven rubles I'd been holding in my hand, "you're paid; look, I've paid you; but You must save me: go to the restaurant at once and buy a pot of tea and ten slices of rusk. If you don't want to go, you will make me a wretched man! You don't know what a fine woman this is . . . That's everything! You may be having some crazy idea... but you don't know what a fine woman this is..."

Apollo had sat down to work, had put on his spectacles again, and at first he did not put down the needle, but silently squinted at the money; then he ignored me at all, and did not even answer me. , still continue to thread his thread.I stood in front of him, a la Napoleon, with my hands clasped to the seams of my trousers, and waited for about three minutes.Both my manes were wet with sweat; I was pale myself, and I felt it.But, thank God, he looked at me like that and probably felt compassion.After threading the thread, he slowly stood up from the seat, slowly moved the chair away, took off his glasses slowly, counted the money slowly, and finally turned his head and asked me over my shoulder: Do you want to buy a pair? Whole portion?Then he walked out of the room slowly.When I went back to find Lisa, I suddenly had an idea on the way: Can it be like this, wearing what I was wearing before, wearing pajamas, and running away immediately, no matter where I escape, and let it happen if love happens in the future up.

I sat down again.She looked at me curiously.We were silent for a few minutes. "I'll kill him!" I cried suddenly, and raised my fist and beat the table so hard that the ink was spilled from the ink bottle. "Oh, what are you doing!" she cried, shuddering. "I'm going to kill him, kill him!" I screamed, pounding on the table, almost mad.At the same time, I fully understand how stupid it is to be so outraged. "You don't know, Lisa, what an executioner is to me. He's the executioner who kills me and tortures me. . . . He's off to buy rusks now; he .

I suddenly burst into tears and burst into tears.It's a sudden onset.How ashamed I was in sobbing!But I couldn't stop crying.She was terrified. "What's the matter with you! What's the matter with you!" she kept yelling as she walked around me anxiously. "Water, bring me a glass of water, right there!" I murmured weakly.In fact, I realized myself that I didn't need to drink water at all, and I didn't need to murmur feebly.But in order to save face, I had to act on the occasion, although it was true that I was suffering from a psychosis. She brought me a glass of water and looked at me in bewilderment.Then Apollo brought tea.It suddenly occurred to me how indecent and shabby this ordinary, bland tea was after all that had happened, and I blushed.Lisa even looked at Apollo in horror.He walked out without looking up, without looking at us.

"Lisa, you don't look down on me, do you?" I said, looking at her intently, trembling with anxiety, eager to know what she was thinking. She felt embarrassed when I saw her, and couldn't answer anything. "Drink tea!" I said viciously.I was mad at myself, but, needless to say, it was all on her.My heart suddenly burned with anger, and I hated her deeply, as if I wanted to kill her.In order to get back at her, I swore in my heart not to say a word to her the whole time. "She's the one to blame," I thought. Our silence lasted about five minutes.The tea was on the table; we didn't even touch it; I didn't even start drinking it on purpose to make her feel more embarrassed; she was too embarrassed to drink it herself.Several times she looked at me sadly and inexplicably.I insisted on keeping silent.It was of course mainly me that felt awkward, because I was fully aware of how hateful and despicable this stupid rage was, and at the same time I couldn't help myself.

"I want to ... get out of ... there altogether," she began, trying to break the silence, but, poor girl!In this embarrassing moment, to me, an asshole, who shouldn't have said it in the first place, even my heart began to feel the A soreness.But something unreasonable in me at once swept away all pity in me, and even teased me even more: May everything in the world come to an end!Another five minutes passed. "I'm not in your way?" she began timidly, barely audibly, and began to stand up. But as soon as I saw the slightest spark of this wounded pride, I trembled with rage and seized the opportunity to explode.

"Excuse me, why did you come to me?" I said out of breath, without even thinking about the logical order of my words.I just want to say what's on my mind at once; I don't even care what is said first and what is said last. "What are you doing here? Answer! Answer!" I almost exclaimed, almost carried away. "I'm here to tell you, dear, what are you doing here. You're here because I said something pitiful to you at the time. Then you immediately become coquettish, and you want to come to hear 'poor words' again. So to you You know, I was making fun of you then. And I'm making fun of you now. Why are you trembling? Yes, making fun of you! Before that, I was insulted by people, that is, the people I ate with , that is, the gang that went before me. I went to you to give one of them, an officer, a good beating, but it didn't work, and they went away; Take it out, turn the book back, you happened to catch up, so I got angry at you, and made fun of you. They insulted me, so I want to insult others; they tore me into a rag, so I also want to show my power... This is what happened that day, but you thought I was trying to save you, didn't you? Do you think so? Do you think so?"

I know that she may be confused and can't figure out the details for a while; but I also know that she will definitely understand the essence of my words very clearly.It turned out to be the case.Her face became as white as a handkerchief, and as she tried to say something, her mouth twisted morbidly, but her legs fell as if struck by an axe, and she sank down on the chair.For the rest of the time, she listened to me with her mouth and eyes wide open, trembling with panic.I overwhelmed her with the most vile and outrageous things I said... "Save you!" I went on, jumping up from my chair, running around in front of her, across the room, "save you! Besides, I may be worse than you. When I tell you that Why don’t you spit on me, spit on me, and say: ‘Why did you come to us? Did you come to us to preach?’ What I needed at the time was power, power, I needed to play on the spot, I needed to cry bitterly, and I needed you Your humiliation and your hysteria - that's exactly what I needed! You know, I couldn't stand it myself at the time, because I was a wretch, scared out of my wits, and God knows why I foolishly gave you your address. So Then, before I got home, I yelled at you for giving you this address. Because I lied to you at the time, I hate you. Because I was just talking about it, just thinking about it Fantasy, actually what I want is, you know what it is: I want you to be completely fucked, this is what I want! I need quiet. So that people don't bother me, I can sell the whole world for nothing Sell ​​it for what it's worth. Let the whole world go to hell, but not my tea? I'd say it's better to let the whole world go to hell, but I have to have my tea forever. Do you know that? Hmm But I know I'm a villain, I'm a badass, I'm a selfish person, I'm a slob. I've been trembling for three days, afraid of you coming. You know what I've been worried about for three days Is this what worries me the most: I acted like a hero in front of you, and now you're going to see me in this ragged pajamas, and I'm a beggar, a scumbag. I just told you , I am not ashamed of my poverty, so you should know by now that I am ashamed of being poor, I am ashamed of it, I am ashamed of it, and I am more afraid of being poor than stealing or being a thief, because I am very vain, It's like someone skinned me and it hurts as soon as it hits the air. Don't you understand until now that I'll never forgive you 'cause you meet me in this pajamas and touch me like a vicious dog To Apollo. A hero who once saved the world, like a mangy dog ​​with a long hair, threw himself on his servant, and the servant laughed at him! I will never forgive you, because not long ago you saw How could I weep before you like a humiliated woman! And what I confess to you now, I can never forgive you! Yes—you, you alone are responsible for all Responsible for all this, because you just happened to catch up with me, because I'm a villain, because I'm the ugliest, most ridiculous, most boring, most stupid, most jealous of all the humble people in the world, these little people The bastards are no better than me, but god knows why they're never ashamed; but I've had enough of all kinds of bastards in my life--that's one of my traits! You might hear a word of that I don't know, what does it have to do with me! I don't care, I don't care, I don't care about your business, it's none of my business if you get fucked up there! Do you understand: I told you this , because you are here and have heardMy words, how much do I hate you now?You know, there is only one time in a person's life that he can express himself in this way, and that's when he's hysterical! ...what more do you want?After hearing what I said, why do you still stand in front of me, torture me, and refuse to leave? "

But then a strange situation suddenly appeared. I was so used to thinking and imagining everything from a book, and always to imagining everything in the world as I had imagined it in my fancy, that even this strange situation did not dawn on me at once. .Here's what happened: Lisa, who was insulted and embarrassed by me, knew a lot more than I thought.She learned in all this what a woman knows first of all if she really loves someone, that I am unhappy. The sense of fear and humiliation on her face first turned into sadness and consternation.When I called myself a rascal and a villain, and the tears rolled down my eyes (I've been tearing up all this while I'm talking about this), her whole face was contorted as if convulsed.She wanted to get up and stop me from talking; when I finished speaking and shouted at her, "Why are you still here, why don't you go away", she didn't pay attention to my shouting, but noticed that I said It must have been hard to say those words.Besides, she's used to it, poor girl; she thinks she's so much inferior to me, how can she be angry, how can she be angry?She suddenly jumped up from the chair impulsively and uncontrollably, and threw herself towards me, but she was still timid, not daring to move her position, only daring to stretch out her hands to me... At this moment, my heart was turned upside down over time.Then she suddenly threw herself on me, put her arms around my neck, and burst into tears.I couldn't help crying, I've never cried like this before... "They won't let me...I can't be a...good guy!" I said with some difficulty, and then I went to the sofa, threw myself on the sofa, and cried for about a quarter of an hour in true hysteria.She clung to me and put her arms around me, as if fainted in the embrace. But the problem is, after all, this hysteria will eventually pass.So (you know, I'm writing extremely ugly truth), I sprawled on the sofa, buried my face deep in my crappy leather cushion, and slowly, vaguely, involuntarily, I began to, But I couldn't help but feel that now I have no face to raise my head and look Lisa in the eyes.Why am I ashamed? —I don't know, but, I'm ashamed.In my terrified mind, it suddenly occurred to me that now our roles have changed, and now she is the hero, and I am exactly the tortured woman she played in front of me that night (four days ago) Abused and repressed characters... I can't help but think about it all when I lie on the couch! my God!Did I envy her then? I don't know, I haven't been able to say for sure until now, and then, of course, I couldn't understand what was going on any more than I do now.I can't live without dominating and tyrannizing people...but...but, you know, empty talk says nothing, so there's no need for empty talk. However, I restrained myself and raised my head: sooner or later I have to raise my head... Well, I still believe that because I was ashamed to raise my head to look at her, another kind of fire suddenly ignited in my heart. A feeling...a sense of dominance and possession.My eyes lighted up, and I grabbed her hands tightly.How I hated her then, and how I wanted to possess her!These two feelings grow in each other.Almost like revenge! …Her face first showed a kind of confusion, even similar to fear, but it was fleeting.She hugged me cheerfully and passionately.