Chapter 10 Chapter 4 How to Cultivate Elegant and Favorable Conversation

Recently I was invited to a bridge party.As far as I'm concerned, I don't know how to play bridge, and what a coincidence, there's another pretty lady who doesn't know how to play bridge either!She knew that I had been Thomas's personal manager for a while before he went into radio.At that time, Thomas was traveling around Europe, and during that trip, I helped Thomas record what he saw and heard along the way.After this beautiful lady knew who I was, she immediately said, "Mr. Carnegie, can you please tell me the places of interest you passed by and the bizarre scenery you saw?"

After we sat down on the couch next to her, she went on to mention that she and her husband had recently traveled to Africa. "Africa!" I continued, "how interesting that is.... I always wanted to go to Africa once, but except for a 24-hour stop in Algiers; I have never been to any other place in Africa.... Have you ever been there? You have found a place worthy of your memory... how lucky that is, I really envy you, can you tell me about Africa?" We talked for forty-five minutes during that conversation, and she stopped asking me where I had been or what I had seen.She no longer talked about my travels; what she wanted was an attentive listener so that she could expand her "self" and tell about the places she had been.

Is this what makes her different and special?No, many people are like her. I recently met a well-known botanist at a banquet given by the New York publisher Grimber.I have never been in contact with a scholar of botany, and I find his words very attractive.I sat in a chair and listened to him, fascinated, about marijuana, the great botanist Pubong, and indoor gardening, and he told me amazing facts about potatoes.Later, when he talked about my own small indoor garden, he told me very enthusiastically how to solve several problems I wanted to solve. There were a dozen other guests at the banquet, but I ignored all the others and talked for hours with the botanist.

When it was midnight and I said goodbye to everyone, the botanist, in front of his master, paid me a huge compliment, saying I was "extremely motivating"... Finally, referring to me as one of - the funniest, most chatty, with " A person who speaks beautifully. "Beautiful conversation"?I?I know I'm barely talking!If I didn't change what we just talked about, I wouldn't be able to talk about it even if I wanted to.The reason is that I know too little about botany. But I know that I have already done this...that is, I "listen carefully and quietly".I listened quietly and attentively, and I found that I was really interested in what he said, and he felt the same way at the same time, which naturally made him happy.That kind of "quiet listening" is our respect and compliment to anyone.Woodford once said in his book "Love in a Stranger Land": "Few people can resist the flattery that attentive attention involves."

I told the botanist that I was entertained and guided by him; I wished to have his wealth of learning--I really hoped so.I told him that I wished to go for walks in the fields with him, and that I wished to see him again. Because of this, he thought I was a good talker, when in fact I was just a good listener and good at encouraging him to talk. Talk about a successful business, what is its secret?I followed what that solid scholar, Eliot, said: "There is no secret secret to a successful business transaction.... The man who listens attentively to you, is the most It is important, there is nothing more important than this!"

That's obvious, isn't it?You don't need to spend four years studying at Harvard University for this question.But we all know... There are many businessmen who rent luxurious storefronts, reduce purchase costs, display new and beautiful window displays, and spend a huge amount of advertising expenses, but they hire shop assistants who are unwilling to listen to customers: ． ...Those clerks, who cut off the customer's words, contradicted the customer, and irritated the customer, seemed to be reconciled to taking the customer out of the door! Hooton has experienced such an example; he told this story in my workshop: He bought a suit of clothes in a department store in New York, New Jersey, just offshore.This suit is such a disappointment to wear, the top fades and the collar of the shirt is blackened.

He took the suit back to the department store; found the clerk who was dealing with him at the time, and told him what happened.I said he "told" the clerk what happened in detail?No, that's not the case at all... He wanted to tell the clerk what happened, but he couldn't do it. What he wanted to say was cut off by the clerk who seemed to be a bit eloquent. The clerk retorted, "We have sold thousands of sets of this kind of clothes. This is the first time someone has come to pick on us." This is what the clerk said, and it was surprisingly loud, and the meaning of what he said was like: "You are lying, do you think we can be bullied? Humph! I will show you some color!"

While the debate was raging, another clerk intervened. The clerk said, "All black clothes fade a little at first, that's inevitable... : . . . It's about the material! "At that time, my stomach was full of people." Mr. Hooton recounted his experience: "The first clerk doubted my honesty. The second clerk suggested that I bought second-rate goods... I became annoyed, and when I was about to scold them, the person in charge of the department store came over. The person in charge seemed to know his job. He completely changed my attitude... He turned an angry person into a satisfied customer.How did he do it?He breaks the situation down into three steps:

First, he asked me to tell my story from beginning to end, while he listened quietly without inserting a word. Second, when I finished those words, the two clerks were going to start arguing with me again.But the person in charge argued with them from my point of view... …he said, my shirt collar, obviously the suit was stained.He insisted that such things that cannot satisfy customers should not be sold. Thirdly, he admitted that he didn’t know that this suit was so bad, but pointed at me frankly: “What do you think I should do with this suit, just tell me, I can totally do what you want.』

A few minutes ago, I wanted to return this disgusting suit, but now I replied, "I can take your advice, I just want to know if this discoloration is temporary. Or what do you have? There is a way to prevent this suit from fading further.” He advised me to take the suit home and wear it for a week and see how it goes!He said: "If you are still not satisfied at that time, you can exchange it for a satisfactory one. We are very sorry for causing you trouble. . I left that department store satisfied. After a week with that suit, I found nothing wrong with it. I am very satisfied with that department store.

The confidence of the cargo company has also been restored. " No wonder that gentleman is the person in charge of that department store. As for those clerks, not only will they stay in the position of "clerks" for life, it is best to relegate them to the packaging department and never see customers. The most critical person, the fiercest critic, will often soften before a patient, sympathetic listener!The listener must have extraordinary composure, and when the provocateur opens his mouth like a serpent-- listen quietly.There is such an example: A few years ago, the New York Telephone Company had one of the most aggressive and unreasonable customers ever.The customer scolded the operator with the meanest eyes.He later pointed out that the phone company had created fake bills, so he refused to pay.At the same time, he has to vote for the book and newspaper; he also has to file a complaint with the Public Service Commission... This customer has several lawsuits against the telephone company. Finally, the telephone company sent one of the most experienced and skilled "mediators" to visit the unreasonable customer.After the "mediator" went there, he listened quietly... Try to let this argumentative old gentleman vent his full of complaints.The phone company "mediator" responded with curt "Yes! Yes!" and expressed sympathy for his grievance. The phone company "mediator," who came to our workshop, described the situation: "He went on and on and on and on and on and on. I listened quietly for about three hours -- and then I went to him again and listened to him again. Unfinished whining. I interviewed him four times. By the end of the fourth interview, I was a basic member of an organization he started, which he called the Telephone User Protection Society; member, but as far as I know, I'm the only one there other than this old gentleman. During this interview, I still listened quietly, and I used a sympathetic attitude to every reason he raised.According to him, no one in the telephone company had ever talked to him like this, and his attitude towards me gradually became friendly.On the first three occasions I did not say a word of what I wanted from him, and finally on the fourth I closed the case entirely.He paid all his bills, and for the first time in his past troubles with the phone company, he withdrew his complaint against the Public Service Commission. " Undoubtedly, this gentleman appears to be fighting for social justice, protecting the rights and interests of the public from unreasonable exploitation.But in fact, what he wants is a sense of self-respect, and he obtains this sense of self-respect by being critical and complaining.When he gained this sense of self-respect from the telephone company representative, he no longer had to raise those unrealistic grievances. One morning a few years ago, an angry customer broke into the office of the founder of the "Dee Mao Wool Company". Mr. Detomo explained to me: This man owes us fifteen dollars... Although the customer refused to admit it, we knew it was him who was wrong.So our credit department insisted that he pay. After he received several letters from our credit department, he came to Chicago immediately. He came into my office in a hurry and told me that not only did he not pay the money; he also said, Our company will not even think about doing business with him for a dollar in the future. I was patient and listened to what he said quietly. Several times, I couldn't hold back my anger, and I almost wanted to refute and argue with him and stop what he said, but I knew it was not the best way.I tried my best to let him vent, and in the end, his arrogance seemed to have slowly subsided, and I said calmly: "I appreciate you coming to support Chicago and telling me about it."In fact, you have done a very meaningful thing for me... If the credit department of our company offends you, I believe they will offend others, then the situation will be unimaginable.Please believe me, I desperately need you to tell me the situation you just said It never occurred to him again that I would say those words, and he might be a little disappointed.The purpose of his coming to support Chicago was to negotiate with me, but I thanked him and did not argue with him.I calmly told him that we would cancel the fifteen yuan in the account and forget about it at the same time.I told him that he is a careful person, and all he needs to deal with is one account, but our company staff has to deal with thousands of accounts, so it may not be easy for him to make mistakes. I told him that I understood his situation well and that if I had the same problem as him, I would feel the way he did.Since he no longer buys from our company, I sincerely recommended several other woolen companies to him. When he came to Chicago in the past, we often had lunch together, so I invited him to dinner that day, and he reluctantly agreed.But when we got back to the office after lunch, he ordered more than he had in the past, and went home with peace of mind.The customer seemed to be affected by my reception and handling, so he went back to check his bill carefully, and finally found the bill, which he had misplaced himself.So he sent the fifteen-dollar account, along with a letter of apology. Later, his wife gave birth to a boy, so he took the name of our company's signboard and named his son "Dimot".He remained a loyal customer of our firm and a great friend until his death twenty-two years later. " Years ago, there was a little Dutch boy who cleaned the windows of a bakery after school for fifty cents a week.His family was very poor, so he often carried a basket to the ditch to pick up coals that fell from the coal truck.This child is called "Edward Barker", and he has never received more than six years of education in his life.But he went on to become one of the most successful magazine editors in American journalism.How did he do it?It's a long story, but how he started can be briefly described.He begins with the principles presented in this chapter. He left school at the age of thirteen and worked as a child laborer in a "Western Union" institution. His weekly salary was six dollars and twenty-five cents. Although he was in a very poor environment, he was always pursuing opportunities for education.Not only did he not give up the idea of ​​seeking education, but he began to educate himself.He walked around, never took a street car, and saved his lunch money, which he accumulated to buy a biography of famous Americans—and then he did something that no one had ever heard of. Edward.Barker, having studied the biographies of famous Americans in detail, wrote to each of them, begging them to tell him a little more about their childhood.It can be seen from Buck's performance that he has an essence of being good at listening -- he hopes that those famous people will talk about themselves. He wrote to General James, who was running for president at the time, and asked James in the letter if he had indeed been a child laborer on the canal.After James received that letter, he sent him a detailed reply.Buck wrote to General Gray again, asking him to describe a battle in that famous biography... General Gray drew a detailed map in his reply letter and invited the fourteen-year-old boy to dinner , they talked all night. Buck wrote to Emerson, hoping that Emerson would say something about himself:. ... This boy who was originally a messenger in the "Western Union" agency, soon corresponded with those famous figures in the country, such as Emerson, Burrows, Stoliver, Longfellow, Mrs. Lincoln, General Sherman, and Taiwan. Weiss et al. He not only corresponded with those famous people, but also visited some of them when he was on vacation, and became a welcome guest in those people's homes.Buck's experience of this kind gave him an invaluable self-confidence.These male and female celebrities inspired his ideal and will, and changed his future life.All of this, let me say it again....All due to the implementation of the principle we are discussing. The well-known reporter "Ma Kesun", who has interviewed many famous people, once told us: "The reason why some people can't make a good impression on others is because they don't pay attention to listening to other people's conversations...these people care about themselves What are they going to say next, but they never open their ears..." Marcusson said again: "Some famous people have told me that...they don't like people who are good at talking, but people who are good at talking. People who listen quietly. People who develop the ability to listen quietly seem to be rarer than people of any good character.” Not only big people like people who are good at listening, even ordinary people are like this. I like people listening to him talk. As Reader's Digest puts it: "A lot of people go to a doctor; all they want is a listener." During the darkest days of the Civil War, Lincoln wrote a letter to an old friend in Springfield, Illinois, inviting him to Washington, saying that there were some matters to be discussed with him.The old neighbor came to the White House, and Lincoln talked to him for hours about the emancipation of the niggers. . . . Lincoln went over the pros and cons of the action, and then read some letters and newspaper articles, Some condemned him because he did not deal with the slaves, and some condemned him because he was afraid that he would free the slaves.After talking like this for several hours, Lincoln shook hands with the old neighbor and sent him back to Illinois...   Lincoln did not seek the opinion of his old friend. He said all the words himself, and he seemed to feel better after saying these words.This old friend later said: "After talking to me about these things, Lincoln seemed to be more comfortable and refreshed." Yes, Lincoln didn't need this old friend's advice. What he needed right now was friendship. , Sympathy, there is a person who listens quietly to his speech, so as to vent his depression.We also have such a need when we are depressed and difficult! If you want to know how to get people to run away from you, laugh at you behind your back, or even belittle you, there is a very good way to do it here... You should never listen to people carefully and talk about yourself constantly.If when someone else is talking about an important matter, you find that you have your own opinion, before the other party has finished speaking, immediately put it forward.When you think about it; he will never be smarter than you, why do you spend so much time listening to those words without insight?Yes, just cut in and use one sentence to stop other people's high-spirited speech. Have you ever met someone like that?Unfortunately, I have encountered.Oddly enough, some of these people are social celebrities. That kind of people are notoriously "hating"...they are drugged by their selfishness, their sense of self-importance, and are "hated" by the general population. People who only talk about themselves will always only imagine for themselves, and "people who only imagine for themselves"... Dr. Badler, the president of Columbia University, once said: This kind of person is incurable educational! Dr. Badler added: "No matter what kind of education he has received, it is still the same as having no education." So, if you want to be a laughing and popular person, you need to listen to other people's conversations.As Mrs. Lee said: "To make others interested in you, you must first be interested in others." Ask others questions that they like to answer, and encourage him to talk about himself and his achievements. You need to remember: the person you are talking to, for himself, his needs and problems are hundreds of times more important than your problems.His toothache was more important to him than a natural disaster that killed millions.He noticed that a small sore on his head healed more than he noticed a big earthquake. So, if you want others to like you, the fourth principle is: Be a good listener and encourage others to talk more about themselves.